Always Read the Wine Label
Rumble pranced around the cottage, shaking his rump to his favorite cassette as he danced up to the table and placed a box of matches next to the candles in an extravagant manner. The soft pop ballad fueling his hooves as he set the small round table in the little cottage dining room. The square table was set with a silk tablecloth, two plates facing each other, soup spoon on the end, knife on the inside, fork on the other side, dessert spoon on the top, wine glass and then drinking glass.
Rumble was enthralled in the music, his rump moving side to side as he finished setting the table. So enthralled, in fact, that he completely neglected the soup he had left to simmer and reduce on the stove. Suddenly the sound of soup spilling out of the pot and bubbling on the stove’s surface caught his attention. His eyes went wide as he whirled towards the kitchen, the soup no longer forgotten.
“Shitshitshitshit!” he yelped as he dashed into the kitchen in a desperate move to save the boiling soup. Clicking the stove off he sighed in relief and took the hoof blender. Under his vigorous efforts the soft pumpkin and assorted vegetables from a chunky mixture were turned into a beautiful, creamy soup. He wiped his brow to remove the sweat and steam, then smiled at the soup he had made; it smelled amazing; spicy pumpkin soup with fresh vegetables and herbs. He tossed the hoof blender towards the sink, but it bounced out and fell onto the floor. He scowled at the sink that was already so overflowing with pots, saucers, skillets and a vast assortment of cooking utensils that many had found a home on the floor. Then he returned to smiling, nothing, not even the thought of doing so many dishes come morning, could dampen his mood..
As a result Rumble had pasta resting in a strainer with some veggieballs in a marinara sauce in a skillet on the opposite end of the stove. Dessert was going to consist of chocolate ice cream with peanut brittle he had picked up as a side thought. The T.V. in his room was set, a VHS tape of his favorite horror movie on top of it, ready to be played. His cupboard stocked with more intimate... ingredients for the perfect date night.
Rumble went through his house, still moving his hips as he triple-checked that the entire cottage was spotless. Finally, he went to his bedroom where he checked, for the fifth time, to make sure the gift he had gotten had not grown legs and run off. Sure enough, it was there, in the black and gold wrapping paper he had wrapped it in.
Making a high pitched squeak, a stupid smile formed on Rumble’s face as he awaited his date’s arrival. One hour and twelve minutes before he was due… one hour and eleven minutes.
...
Running the water to the sink, Rumble pulled the hundreds of dirty dishes out of the sink to try to give himself space to clean. He propped them on the ground and pulled the drying rack from the cupboard under the sink. Next came the detergent. Rumble turned the unfamiliar bottle over in his hooves, the instructions had worn off a bit and were quite faded, though he couldn’t say exactly when that had happened. Shrugging the stallion squirted a good half of the bottle into the sink.
Knock… Knock… Knock
Raising an eyebrow Rumble went to answer the door. Wondering who could possibly be knocking. He opened it to not see anypony at first, raising an eyebrow he looked down and was greeted by his little brother. “Hiya Rumble!” his little brother shouted.
“What do you want, Cloud Tumble? Where is Dad and your Mum?” Rumble glared at his half-brother.
“Mum and Dad said that Thunderlane was out of town and that you needed to look after me while they go to Canterlot to see Grandmama.” He smiled and dashed into the house, then rushed to the the dining table.
“Why do you have the table all fancy are you having dinner with Mayor Mare or are you eating dinner with someone really fancy or with royalty or are you just really trying to become fancy or yourself?” he shouted at the speed of lightning. He suddenly gasped, eyes turning to dinner plates. “You’re totally a secret agent and you are inviting over a super-villain so you can get them to confess to all their crimes and then you are gonna arrest them, but you need the house to look fancy, so you set the table really fancy.” Cloud Tumble bounced up and on his hooves as he imagined his big brother being a spy.
“Tumble! Get away from there, please, I’m not a secret agent, I just have somepony coming over, and I don’t want my little brother to ruin this for me. Here, go up to my room, please; I’ll put on a movie for you and you can have some popcorn. How does that sound?”
“Yeah! Thanks Rumble!” the little colt shouted. Dashing into Rumble’s room at the speed of sound he knocked the table slightly and, unknown to him, the delicate wine glass slowly tipped. Rumble walked into the kitchen to fetch some popcorn for Cloud.
The moment he left the room the glass landed on the table with a loud thud. Cloud cringed as he heard the sound, halfway to the bedroom. Going back quickly -before Rumble returned- he propped the wine glass back up, not noticing the small crack in the glass.
”HOLY SHIT WHAT HAVE I DONE!” Rumble shrieked as he looked at his kitchen. The floor was sopping wet, the water line quickly rising. But what was more alarming was the mountain of soap bubbles rising from the sink like a volcano erupting during a foamy science experiment. The detergent was quickly rising, approaching the point of being able to touch the ceiling. Plastic dishes were swimming around the water like lost ducklings and the metal pile of dishes beside the sink had quickly turned into the last dry piece of land. Mercifully, the food on the stove had survived the onslaught.
“Oh no, oh no, dear Celestia... oh this can’t be happening,” Rumble yelped as he sprinted across the flooded floor to the still running tap. Turning it off quicker than lightning, he hyperventilated as he surveyed the damage. Glancing at the clock Rumble’s eyes widened like they were about to pop out.
“PIPSQUEAK IS ARRIVING IN LESS THAN AN HOUR!” he squawked as he dashed into the laundry and fetched all but two towels from the linen draw. Rushing back to the kitchen Rumble placed the towels on the ground in an attempt to try to rid the floor of the swimming pool he had created. Once all the towels were used he started wringing them out into the sink. Suddenly, an idea popped into his head.
Using his front legs to pull the mountains of bubbles into the extra sink he started using the water from the towels to wash the suds down the drain. His efforts paid off, the bubbles disappeared along with the water and the Mt. Everest of soap turned into a termite mound, then before long, an ant hill sized pile of soap suds, which he rinsed down the sink. The floors were still damp, but no longer flooded. He quickly did the dishes, properly this time and set the stove to low to keep the soup warm. Then, exhausted, he sank into the chair with a sigh.
Knock... knock... knock-knock... knock…
Knock-knock.
Rumble’s eyes bulge open shooting a look at the clock. “Four-thirty? Pip wasn’t supposed to arrive until five!” he yelped as he stood. He rushed over to the door. Nervousness pouring off him, almost having a corporeal form of its own, he quickly fixed his hair and posture before opening the door. As soon as the door opened a blur moved towards him at a pace that could probably be matched only by Pinkie Pie. Flooring Rumble to the ground, Pipsqueak hugged tight as he could.
“Heya Rum,” Pipsqueak chuckled, as he leaned down to kiss his coltfriend on the nose. He then rolled off and stood, with an outstretched hoof he helped Rumble to his hooves.
“Hey Pip! Somepony is early,” Rumble giggled back giving the other stallion a proper hug, embracing the warmth.
“Well I was excited to see ya’! We ‘aven’t seen each other since I went down to Trottingham.” Pipsqueak snuggled into Rumble’s chest. Rumble noted with a smile that Pip still had a faint hint of his Trottingham accent, it had been one of the many things the pegasus found difficult to resist.
Rumble giggled and nudged Pip off of him so he could slip away to the kitchen. “I’m just gonna warm up dinner, I’ll be just two seconds.” Rumble smiled leaving his date in the main room of the house.
As he stirred the soup he called out to the hall, “So, how was the family?”
Pip was left standing in the front hall. He took a few steps towards the kitchen, “Good. I didn’t get to sleep in as much as ah wanted, but it was good to spe-”
He was interrupted by a high-pitched scream from Rumble’s bedroom.
Rumble dashed out of the kitchen in sheer panic. Looking at Pipsqueak, the two locked eyes for a second, both terrified, then they turned to the bedroom.
“Cloud Tumble!” Rumble shouted barging into his room, Pip not far behind him. Huddled up crying his eyes out was Cloud Tumble, cowering in the bedsheets and rocking back and forth. His eyes were glued to the television.
“Make it stop make it stop!” Cloud cried, tears rushing down his face. Rumble looked at the T.V. To his horror, Cloud Tumble had played the video on top of the television; the scary movie he was planning on watching with Pip. He turned off the T.V and ripped the VHS out the player, but it was too late, the damage had been done. Rumble looked back at Cloud and quickly rushed around the bed to hug his little brother tightly. As soon as his hooves wrapped around his little brother, the colt started bawling his eyes out, sobbing helplessly into his brother’s forelegs.
“Th-th-th-the… the monsters… it was so scary Rumble, they’re gonna get me! Rumble, they’re g-g-gonna get me!” Cloud Tumble cried loudly trying to control his breathing.
“Hey, shhh shhh shhh. It’s alright Cloud. It was just a movie. Hey, it’s alright. No monsters are going to get you.” Rumble hushed, rocking his brother back and forth, stroking his mane, trying to calm him down. Meanwhile, Pip silently left the room and went to the kitchen to pour a glass of water.
“But how do you know they won’t get me! They’re gonna get me! And you! They’ll get all of us! They’re so scary!” Cloud cried, racking sobs coming from his chest. He was close to hyperventilation, still in total shock.
Rumble kept rocking him, holding his brother close to his chest as he kept shushing him. The little colt just needed to get it out of his system. Eventually Cloud managed to calm down enough to listen to Rumble. “They won’t get you Cloud, I am here, and so’s Pip. We are trained in monster hunting. Promise, we went to a special school before you were born! We went undercover and put a huge spell around the entire of Ponyville that stops evil monsters from coming into the town,” Rumble explained softly. While he was creating his story Pip had come back into the room and sat on the bed next to the brothers to listen in.
“But... you two aren’t unicorns! How do you have magic?” Cloud asked, beginning to come to his senses a bit.
“There is more than just unicorn magic. It is special to us big brothers, but it’s a secret, so you gotta keep it quiet, alright?” Pip entered the conversation while Rumble stumbled.
“Okay, thanks Rumble… and you too, Pip.”
“Drink up matey,” Pip added, holding the water out to the little colt. Cloud looked up at him as thanks and drained the glass. Pip took back the glass and placed it on the bedside table, then sat down in front of Rumble and used his hoof to rub Cloud’s foreleg. Between the two stallions, Cloud Tumble started to calm down a bit’ his eyes were bloodshot and he was still scared out of his wits, but he was no longer in shock.
“Why don’t you hang with Rumble and I?” Pip asked, pulling his hoof away from the colt, though Rumble continued to hug Cloud tightly. He nodded vigorously, not in any position to spend any time alone for the time being.
After a few more minutes Rumble slowly loosened his grasp on Cloud and the three ponies left Rumble’s room. Pip set a new spot on the table and Rumble turned off the -now heated- first course. Pouring soup into three bowls he took them all out to be enjoyed with his dinner guests. By the time he had the soup poured Pip and Cloud were seated and ready for dinner.
“Ya’ know, I met a Griffon once, she taught us this really fun game! It is called, ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’. Basically how it works is that you shake your hooves and both say, ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’. You make a motion resembling either a rock, a piece of paper, or a pair of scissors. Scissors beat paper, paper beats rock and rock beats scissors. The aim is to beat the other bir-pony’s gesture,” Pip explained. The two ponies put their hooves in front of them. “Ready?” Pip asked.
“Ready.”
“Rock, Paper, Scissors!” both chanted. They placed their hooves out, both just holding their hooves in the air.
“So, a tie?” asked Cloud.
“I didn’t really think that one out did I?” he asked, looking up at Rumble who simply rolled his eyes.
Rumble placed a bowl in front of each pony and gave his brother a smile. Suddenly he realised he had forgotten a key ingredient. “Oh! I totally forgot!” he exclaimed.
Getting up he moved out of sight of Cloud, sneaking out of the pantry a bottle of wine. He came back to the dinner table with a cheeky smile. “It’s a red, I think you are gonna like this one.” Rumble smiled, looking at Pip. Pouring himself and Pip a glass the two sat there. Cloud sipping his soup, the other two stallions following suit with the added action of taking a mouthful of wine.
Rumble’s eyes shot open as he took his first try of the Shiraz he had gotten from Applejack for a pretty bit. ‘Holy Celestia this stuff is strong. What do they make this from?’ he asked himself. ‘Play it cool, Pip is enjoying it. Just act like you like it,’ he urged himself to continue drinking. He took a second and third sip already feeling slight effects of the red.
Between them, by the time soup was finished, Rumble and Pip had managed to get through half the bottle and neither could handle another sip. Cloud waited patiently while Rumble cleared the table, a little clumsily. With both ponies nodding thanks to the masterchef of the night Rumble retreated into the kitchen for the spaghetti and hayballs. Two minutes (and a small spillage on the kitchen floor) later he was back out with two fresh plates of Istallion cuisine.
“‘ere we are Signore, tha spaghetti and tha veggieball,” Rumble placed the two plates in front of both Cloud and Pip in an over-the-top Istallion accent. Having made both ponies giggle he returned to the kitchen and brought out his own plate. The three ponies settled down for the second course. Fate, however, decided that Rumble couldn’t catch a break; the moment he put a veggieball in his mouth the lights went out.
“AHHHHH!” Cloud shrieked as the light in the house instantly turned to darkness. Cloud, panicked, ran into the lounge room and hid in the couch cushions. Pip tried to stand, fell back into his chair, then stood all the way up and flashed an unseen smile at Rumble, before he ran after Cloud to try to calm him down. Rumble stood and followed for a second, but paused thought for a moment.
“Pip! Piiiiiiiiiiip! I’m gonna chef the pow box, can you loo afta Cloud? Okay Pip?” he asked.
“Yep, alreary on it, Mumble,” Pip called back.
“Thanks Piiip! I love you Piiiip,” Rumble giggled.
Rumble stumbled back to the table, not quite feeling himself. The influence of the wine easily taking hold. ‘I only had like one-and-a-half glasses! This is insane, what sort of red was that?’ he asked himself as he reached over to take another sip from his glass. His thirst satisfied he fumbled with the match until he finally managed to get one lit long enough to light a candle. Using that to light the other candle he went back to Pip to give him the second candle.
Trotting into the living room, Rumble had totally neglected to remember candle holders, holding the candle the hot wax slowly dripped onto his hoof. The alcohol delaying his feeling a bit, but, when it finally hit him and it certainly hit him. Yelping, he ran into the kitchen and threw both candles onto a plate. By the light they produced he stuck one of the candles to the plate using its hot wax. Then he repeated that with the other candle until he had two makeshift candle holders. Walking back into the living room he gave Pip a candle, nuzzling him a bit before moving back to the dining room.
“I won be long, I’ll leths you know when I works ouf wha happed.”
He walked out of the lounge and into the laundry. The teenage stallion dropped onto his butt and his jaw lay agape as he realised what happened.
The fuse box in Rumble’s house was on the wall outside of the laundry. All the water piping was connected between the kitchen and the laundry. When he drained the soap suds down the sink, only half of it had actually reacted with water. In front of the distraught pony was a mountain of soap sud coming from the sink drain next to the window. The suds had managed to accumulate outside the window, right where the fuse box was. Rumble had a rather rusty latch when it came to the fuse box and never bothered to lock the waterproof containment box because the fuse box was under a veranda anyway. Rain could never get to it. Yet, sadly soap suds streaming from the sink managed to snuff out the electricity to the entire house.
In a panic Rumble sprinted out the laundry and out the front door, stumbling a few times along the way and knocking over a few things along the way. When he got to the fuse box he started shovelling the soap suds away from the window. Using a towel he flapped it in front of the box in an attempt to dry it out. He spent five minutes wildly flapping his hooves trying to get all the soap suds from out of the box. Pip and a sniffling Cloud Tumble, holding hooves came out to help Rumble assess the damage.
“Rumble, you can do that all nightey, but they won’t gif us power back until the mornin when they can look at it. Come off, we can still eat finish dinner by canhlelight,” Pip sighed as he turned around to go back inside. “Oh and Rumble… why the heck is your laundry filled with detergent?” Pip asked worriedly, looking at Mt. Sud erupting from his sink.
“Long sory, lesh just, go and finis dinner,” Rumble said, trying to stop his lip trembling at the utter disaster the night was turning into.
Pip stumbled back into the dining room. “Jeez Rumble, we’ve had like one or two…. One, two, two glasses of this stuff,” Pip laughed and stumbled towards the table, “what the heck is it?” Pip scooped up the bottle and looked in horror.
“Wha ish it Pip?”
“You fed ush Fortillidillyfied Port! Pip! Do you know what this stuff is?” Pip replied… to himself.
“Uhhh?” Rumble replied meekly sitting back down with slight effort.
“Rumble… I men Rumble… Rumble! This stuff is like a hundred times the shrength of regular wine!”
Rumble blinked, he blinked again. Finally, after a solid minute Rumble pressed his head against the table and groaned in defeat.
…
Dinner was a lot more quiet after that, everypony finished their spaghetti and veggieballs, a few jokes were made, but at that point everypony was ready to go to sleep. Two of them due to consuming fortified port in rapid fashion, the other due to a movie forever cemented in the back his mind.
Rumble’s glass still half filled with wine, not daring to go any further he raised his glass, “To one of the more… eventful nights we have spent together,” Rumble smiled at Pip, prompting to rise his glass as well. Cloud looked on in curiosity and a clean plate.
The two chinked, but at the very moment the glasses connected, Rumble’s glass exploded, sending shards of glass all through Pip’s glass, the food that remained on their plates, all over the table. The wine spilling out staining the beautiful silk tablecloth Rumble had gotten especially for this night.
The explosion made an enormous noise, Cloud screamed and jolted from fright. The colt bolted into the lounge room and sobbed behind the couch, not daring to come out for fear of the monsters coming for him.
“Cloud! Come back! It was juft a wine glass…” Rumble looked at Pip with pain in his eyes. He stood and stumbled ever so slightly, then went into the lounge room, “Cloud! Come out, nothing is going to get you, it was just a wine glass. Come on Cloud!”
Cloud Tumble peeked his head around the couch. Seeing it was his brother, Cloud hesitated for a second, before rocketing forward. He huddled underneath his brother holding onto a leg and shaking like a leaf.
“Cloud? Don’t worry about it, remember what I said; I’m gonna keep you safe. It was just a stupid wine glass.” Rumble backed up and cuddled his brother, settling down a bit. “Damn, I think we got a bif of wine on you, your legs are a bit damp, damn, we’rel get you cleaned up.” He smiled.
“Rumble…” he squeaked. Rumble only just heard his little brother make a high pitched squeak.
“What was that Cloud?” Rumble replied.
Taking in a deep breath Cloud Tumble’s face turned even whiter, “I… I, I peed myself,” he sobbed.
Rumble groaned as Cloud shrank to a small ball trying to sink into the earth. “I’m sorry Rumble, I didn’t mean to it was just so scary, I’m sorry,” the distraught colt babbled.
“It’s okay Cloup, juss go to the shower and clean yourself up a bit, I’ll deal with the floor, ohay?” Rumble replied, exhausted.
Shaking, the colt couldn’t do anything but nod and make a dash to the bathroom with one of the candles.
Meanwhile, Pip had grabbed the tablecloth and put it in the sink. Pouring some stain remover into the sink he left it to soak. Rumble then got a mop and bucket and set out to clean the stain behind the couch.
Sighing, Rumble put the mop back into the bucket, leant it against the wall and looked back at Pip. Seeing Rumble’s eyes glistening a little, Pip rushed over and hugged him tightly. “This night has been a meff, I’m sorry Pip. Everyfing has gone wrong, I’m so stupid,” he wailed into Pip’s mane as the pinto returned the hug
“Hey! Stop it Rum, it isn’t your fault. This stuff jush happens, I don’t mind, not one… uh... bot. When I’m with you, I don’t care what’s ‘appening ‘round us. Besighes, your brother is really sweet. I ‘ope we get to look after ‘im more offen.
Rumble sniffled a little bit and retrieved his head from his coltfriend’s mane. “Pip, yoush are the sweetest, I love you Pip,” he smiled, giving Pip a little kiss. He then carried the bucket and mop back to the laundry and cleaned them out. Pip put all the broken glass in the bin and took the tablecloth out of the sink. Sneaking into the laundry, he crept up behind Rumble and threw it over him while he was putting the mop back.
Rumble giggled and pretended to act like a ghost, making ghost noises as he slowly cornered the pinto stallion. Soon the ghost and Pip were centimeters away, Pip’s rear pressed against the corner. Rumble lifted up the cloth and leaned forward a bit more to kiss Pip softly on the lips. Shivering, Rumble threw the cloth into the washing machine and walked out of the laundry.
Cloud Tumble came back from the bathroom, dried and very ready for bed. Yawning he walked over to the table and put the candle back on the new bare table. “Rumble? I wanna go to bed.”
“Okay Cloud, we’ll jush shetup the couch for you, alright?” Rumble yawned back.
Cloud’s eyes shrunk to pin points. “Th-th-the couch? B-But it is so far away, please don’t make me sleep there!” he cried dashing forward. He hugged Rumble to make it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere that was away from his brother’s side.
Pip suddenly had a fantastic idea, nudging Rumble he looked into his eyes and indicated to follow his lead. Pip bent down to be level with Cloud Tumble. “Cloud, how about you try the couch? Rumble and I will be in the living room the whole night! Making sure noshing can get you. I’ll shet up the bed, and you can go with your brofer to get ready for bed okay?”
“A-alright Pip,” Cloud nervously replied. Holding his brother’s hoof, Cloud brushed his teeth with Rumble’s toothbrush. He finished getting ready and by the time they got back, Pip had made up the couch. Scrambling into bed the little colt gave Rumble a huge hug.
“G’night listle bro, we’ll be right here, I promish.”
“Thanks Rumble, you’re the best brother ever, love you! G’dnight.” Cloud said just before he yawned. Rumble gave him a goodnight kiss on the forehead and backed up, indicating for Pip to go next.
“Night, Cloud, matey, like ya’ bro said, we’ll be here the whole time.” He smiled and gave Cloud a huge hug.
“Love you Pip, g’night,” Cloud replied. A stupid smile came over Pip’s face and he went in for another hug.
Both stallions sat on the ground, leaning against the couch Pip rested his head on Rumble’s shoulder, Rumble resting his head on Pip’s. The two sat like that for a while enjoying the embrace. After a long time the couple caught snoring coming from behind them. In darkness Pip gave Rumble a squeeze indicating for him to quietly get up. Drunkenly, they both snuck into Rumble’s room.
“Rum, ‘elp me get the mattress of the bed, leave the bed sheets and stuff here,” Pip whispered.
The two stallions managed to lift up the mattress and drag it out to the living room. Being as quiet as possible they lowered it onto the floor in front of the sleeping colt. Finally getting it on the ground Pip rushed back and scooped up the bedding. Then the two reset the mattress.
Meanwhile, Rumble went to the kitchen and grabbed the ice cream he had been saving for dessert that night. Two spoons later, Rumble walked back into the lounge room carrying a container of chocolate ice cream and a bowl filled with peanut brittle. Both lay against the couch on their makeshift bead. Nestling into Rumble’s chest, the two lay there eating ice cream with peanut brittle, enjoying the cold of the treat and the warmth of each other.
Halfway through the container the couple couldn’t take in another scoopful. Casting the spoons in the half empty ice-cream bucket and the peanut brittle with it to the side of the mattress the two moved down so they were properly lying down. Rumble pulled the thick cover over their heads and brought Pip close to him.
“Hey,” he whispered giggling.
“Hey to you too,” Pip giggled as he poked Rumble in the snout.
“You are a great sitter Pip, I wich I was that good with kidsh.”
“Don’t be daph Rumble, Cloud loves you, more than anything, I can see it. You’re a great bro, and with kids in genheral.”
Rumble giggled a bit more, “It is so adorable when you say ‘daft’ even more when youvr had a bish to drink. I jush want to lishten to your ashent all day long.”
“I shwear Rumble, is that the only fing you find attractive abou me? Me acshent?”
“Noooos, but the accent is a huuuuuge bonush,” he whispered cheekily, giving Pip a little kiss on the lips. “Unno, tonight… I’m not going to lie, it was a total disasher. Everything that happened, it was quite literally the worsht date ever. But by being so, I fink it has been the bestest date ever, and you,” he poked Pip’s muzzle, “made it the besht date ever.” Rumble smiled, attempting to hold his coltfriend closer.
“I had a fantashtic time as well Rumble. I can’t think of a better way to spend my night. Now come here you crazy colt.” Pip locked front legs and wrapped his back legs around Rumble. Pip, being larger, let Rumble roll over and be the little spoon, both slowly drifting off to sleep with silly grins on their faces.
“Love you, Pip”
“Love you, Rumble”
