1 - Woe Unto Those Who Stand Before It
Celestia adjusted herself on her cushion. "Things are progressing... well."
Luna smirked faintly. "Well? I should think so. Never have I seen you quite so large. Hmm, on the other hoof, there was one time."
"Oh?" Celestia peered at her sister. "Do remind. I do not recall appearing as this before." She waved a wing back at her swelling form.
"You wouldn't." Luna rolled her eyes, but her eyes danced with mirth. "Do you forget the time you decided to see how much cake you could stomach at once? You were sick for a week, but claimed it had been entirely worth it."
Celestia colored faintly as the memory of the event came back to her. She had practically swum in baked goodness. Her daydreams of the event made her miss Luna wandering off towards bed.
"Your Majesty?"
She perked up and saw a chef there. "Ah, is it breakfast time?" She was hungry. Actually... "Nevermind that. I want something else."
"Yes?" He looked confused at the notion. "We have your breakfast ready for you, just the way you like it."
"You don't know what I like!" She hissed suddenly, then colored. "Sorry, forgive me. I just mean that I have a specific desire."
He recoiled at the angry noise Celestia had made. "O-oh? What can I get for you, Princess Celestia?"
"Cake. The more the better. Start light, vanilla, and I want to end in a sea of chocolate and see the rest of the world before we arrive." She gave a refined little nod. "In respect to the time of day, we can begin with a light vanilla pastry."
He swallowed audibly. "Y-your highness, that isn't a healthy way t--"
"Cake," stated Princess Celestia plainly. "Get it for me."
"Let me... speak with the kitchen."
"Thank you."
He scurried off. Bursting through the doors to the kitchen, sides heaving and face drawn with worry, he screamed to the staff there, "We have a code red. Carb mountain!"
An older mare chef frowned at him. "Carb mountain? I didn't think I'd live to see another..."
"What's a carb mountain?" asked a fresh faced mare. "Does she want a big pile of candy?"
"We should be so lucky!" The elder mare grabbed a colander and placed it on her head like a helmet.
Staff ran around in a panic, grabbing what they could to arm themselves.
"Why don't we just give her what she wants?" asked the same young mare.
The original chef that had come to warn them shook his head. "There is no satisfying her. Once she starts, there is no end. For her health, and the sanctity of the kitchen, we must stop it before it begins." He turned back out and began to march. "I will delay her as long as possible.
As he strode, he found he was not alone. The younger mare and another kitchen staff had joined him. He gave them each a smile, comforted by their presence.
Celestia was more surprised to see three kitchen staff approaching her. "Is something the matter?"
He considered his reply carefully. "We are... preparing."
Celestia ran her tongue over her furry lips lightly. "Mmm, it is always worth the wait for your work." She suddenly grabbed the young mare and hugged her close. "I am so fortunate to have such caring waitstaff."
The mare squeaked as she was pressed up against her pregnant ruler. "Um, Celestia?"
"Yes?" Her horn glowed as she plucked up the mare, dangling her in front of herself. "What is it?"
The mare raised a hoof timidly. "Being, um, pregnant, maybe you should eat nice healthy things, um, to..."
"Cake," stated Celestia flatly. "Cake first." The thought had become too rooted in her mind. Her cravings demanded satisfaction. "You are bringing me cake, yes?"
The mare bobbed her head furiously. "Oh! Yes, they're working in the kitchen," she promised as her ears went back.
"Why don't they have a cake on hoof?" Celestia asked, voice growing harder. "Even a muffin to start things, piled tall with frosting." Her belly rumbled with her growing hunger. She rose to her hooves slowly, every motion making her waitstaff tense with dread.
The stallion that had led the way tried to take back the poor mare with his own magic, but Celestia pulled her up and away easily. "You can have her back when I have my cake."
The dish cleaner glanced around nervously. "This takes time, your highness. They want to get it--"
"Cake." Celestia's front lowered a bit, her back shaking faintly like a cat readying to pounce. "Bring me what you have."
"I'll go... check..." The dish cleaner took off at a sudden gallop.
The original stallion cleared his throat. "These things are not instant, your highness, please have pat--"
Celestia grabbed him with her magic and hefted him into the air easily. "Then we'll just have to go see what's taking them so long," she spoke calmly, a smile returning to her face. That smile promised kindness, but madness lurked in those eyes.
Back in the kitchen, the dish cleaner burst into view. "She's coming! She can't be stopped!"
The elder mare tilted her mighty helmet forward. "We won't let her. She doesn't pass that door. Those of you with the will to protect Equestria, come with me."
"I just want to cook!" cried one of the chefs, quivering in fear.
"Then you'll fight, so we can cook tomorrow."
They set out with grim determination into the dining hallway that was just in front of the kitchen. They spread out and began knocking tables over to use as cover. They stocked their weapons and ammunition and dressed up in all the armor that kitchen supplies could offer. They knew their opponent was great and powerful and implacable. Their chances of success were slim...
With barely a sound across the tense room but the little sniffle of an unsure chef, they were as ready as they were going to be.
With a burst of brilliant light, they knew the battle had begun. The sun had arrived, and she was hungry.
"Cake," stated Celestia. Orbiting about her head were two ponies that the defenders knew well as coworkers. "Where is it?"
"Attack!" screamed the older mare.
A net dropped from above over Celestia, weighed down by heavy iron kettles at the corners. They smashed into the ground heavily and pulled Celestia down, her hostages sprawled over her with squeaks.
"You should eat your greens!" hollered a younger stallion as a battle cry as he hurled a head of cabbage at Celestia.
She caught it easily in her magic. "I don't want greens," she stated as she stood back up, the rope burning free of her wherever it was in contact with her form. "You eat it." The head flew back at the stallion even as he ducked down. It splattered in a great splash of destroyed greenery. "Bring me cake!" she ordered, voice losing its patience.
"An apple a day!" shouted a mare as she and her friends began pelting Celestia in red and green fruits of various shades. They bounced off of her when she didn't swat them aside. One she caught in her teeth and bit in half.
For just one pregnant moment, they thought she would be mollified, watching her chew softly and silently.
"An excellent start. Now cake. Bring it." She brought down a hoof with a thunderous clap.
A stallion charged her with a rolling pin, only to be swatted aside with her magic, sent flying over an upturned table. A mare approached with a platter of eggs and hay bacon and a huge, nervous, smile. "Time for a healthy break--"
She didn't get to finish, her face pressed into the offered food. "You eat it," grunted Celestia, her patience worn as she slowly strode through the room towards the kitchen doors. "Cake..."
A pony beside the elder leaned towards her. "Why don't we just give it to her?"
"It won't end. It never does. For Equestria!" She popped up over her upturned table, horn glowing with determination as she pulled a cannon into view.
Celestia blinked at it. "Seriously?"
"Dead serious," assured the mare before she pulled the string.
With a great bang, it disgorged a field of breakfast goodies, all mashed and blended in the force of the explosion. Celestia was covered in her surprise, her once-pristine fur covered in bits of food. She extended her tongue and licked her snout hopefully. But it wasn't nearly sweet enough. She caught some hints of breakfast cookies, but cake... "Where is the cake?" She faced the elder, her own horn shimmering as she lifted her up and pulled her over. "You! You seem to be in charge of this unruly mob. Where is my cake?"
"You'll never have it," cried the elder even as she spun slowly in place. "Not in a thousand years!"
"We'll see." Celestia set the mare aside and took a step forward. "I'm going to get it." Her words were frighteningly calm.
The two mares that had launched apples before came charging out suddenly with wild cries. They were armed with trays of muffins.
That caught Celestia's attention. Muffins were not as good as cake... "Mmmm..." But perhaps enough to pause for. She opened her mouth and closed her eyes as the mares charged for her. She felt a muffin be stuffed in her open snout and chomped down on the muffin. The texture was divine, but the taste was... off...
Celestia's eyes snapped open. She spat the muffin out. "Rhubarb?! I did not request a healthy muffin." There wasn't nearly enough sugar. Celestia roared with a lack of patience, her magic flaring and sending the two mares flying away from her. "Cake!"
The door to the kitchen suddenly opened. It was the dish cleaner, and he has a covered tray. "Thank you for waiting, our benevolent princess."
Celestia's expression brightened. "Are you a new chef? I do not remember seeing you before." She stepped past the dazed defenders at either side towards the stallion. "Is this your first cake? How charming. I'm sure it will be lovely. Let's see it."
His smaller horn glowed and he pulled the top off to reveal a little cake, with crude lettering on top. Celestia read it out loud, "We love you. Aw, very nice. I'm almost sorry this kind sentiment will not last for long." She grabbed a cake cutter some pony had been meaning to use as a weapon and brought it swiftly to the cake, slicing out a strangely small slice carefully. All eyes were on her.
She considered the slice carefully as it lifted onto a little plate. With a firm nod, she gestured to the dish cleaner. "This is your share." She floated the little plate to him, then seized the platter with the rest of the cake in her hooves directly. "This is mine."
Collective groans filled the room. The battle had been lost.
Author's Note
Celestia demands cake! What manner of typo is it that she can't get any without a fight?
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UPDATE: This was requested of me by a patron, and it came from another story... that is still being updated, oops! Mistakes were made... Please read The Perilous Gestation of Swans by kudzuhaiku if you like where this was going.
