Why Didn't Ah Stay at Th' Farm?

by FanNotANerd

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Romance, Fancypants, Sex, Big Macintosh, Main 6, Princess Luna
Length: 5483

Being the only stallion in town isn't all it's cracked up to be.

A minor accident at Sweet Apple Acres sends Big Macintosh to Ponyville in the middle of applebuck season. At first, things seem fine. But then some of the mares begin acting a little...oddly.

Then very oddly. Turns out every other stallion skipped town for a very good reason.

Published 2011-12-02 23:07:36 UTC
Last updated 2012-01-11 01:44:42 UTC

All Was Not Well In Ponyville...

Special thanks to Bronius Maximus for the preread. And, of course, there's DoctorBrony's live reading.

The apple tree trembled as the stallion’s hooves slammed into the trunk, sending most of the ripe apples on the tree into the baskets strategically placed around the base.

Big Macintosh turned and frowned at the few apples stubbornly remaining. They were ripe, no question about it. Bright red, and hanging heavily on the branches.

The red stallion turned and bucked again, putting some extra power into it. He was rewarded by a series of thumps as the apples fell. He turned back to the tree, a satisfied smile on his face-

Which immediately faded as the tree crashed to the ground, trunk smashed by his overpowered kick. The stallion stared at the shattered stump for a moment, eyes wide in shock. His customary wheat stalk dangled comically from the corner of his mouth.

“Big Macintosh? What was that?”

The stallion snapped himself out of his shock and started pushing the fallen tree to the side. “Nothin’, sis,” he called back, straining to move the tree from where it lay.

“You sure? Ah coulda sworn that was a fallin’ tree…”

Come on, the stallion thought, pushing at the tree again. His Herculean effort succeeded in shifting it a couple centimeters.

Applejack walked into the clearing and stopped, watching her brother try to push a shattered tree out of sight. She sighed. “Fer real, Mac? That’s the fifth time this week!”

Big Macintosh abandoned his efforts and sheepishly faced the orange earth pony. “Ah know. They jus' don’t make trees like they used to.”

“Looks to me like you jus’ don’t know yer own strength,” Applejack commented.

The stallion glared at the tree. “Ah know my strength. This tree was just…too fragile.”

Applejack sighed, placing a hoof in her face. “Mac…Ah jes’ don’t know what t’ do with you.”

Big Macintosh shifted sheepishly, fully aware of the lucridity of the situation. Here he was, a good few years older than the pony in front of him, and he was getting lectured.

We’ve hit a new high, haven’t we?

“Tell you what,” Applejack said. “Leave applebucking to me. Go wander around town a little.”

Big Macintosh sighed in resignation. “Eeyup,” he said glumly.

Applejack nudged him teasingly. “Besides, Fluttershy’s been eyin’ you. Might be worth goin’ after.”

The stallion blushed furiously and fled, for no other reason than to escape his sister’s laughter.

He slowed into a light trot a good distance for Sweet Apple Acres, forcing his blush to vanish. Mares were fine to chat with, but as soon as they started getting forward…

Macintosh snorted to himself. Mares were too much trouble, anyway. Couldn’t they understand he was perfectly happy tending the apple fields, with nothing more serious than blackspot to worry about? He’d gone out with another mare once, nearly three years before. Cute unicorn by the name of Lyra.

He considered it a personal triumph that he managed to put up with the migraine other ponies called a “relationship” for four full months before finally giving up.

Nope. Mares were just too much trouble. The farm kept him busy, in any case, as long as he kept-

Something smacked against his face. A moment later, it croaked in indignation, expecting to have landed somewhere a bit more…boggy.

“Oh, dear. I’m sorry.”

Big Macintosh peeled the frog off of his face and looked upward to the heavily laden pegasus hovering above him.

“Fluttershy? Any reason yer carryin’ a basket of frogs?”

The pegasus landed beside him, putting the basket down. Croaks and chirps could easily be heard from inside. “Well,” she said, “I originally brought these frogs to Froggy Bottom Bog. But now the bog’s overpopulated, so I’m taking these ones back to the marsh.”

The stallion shrugged, and deposited the frog she’d dropped back in the basket.

“If I might ask,” Fluttershy said, unconsciously hiding behind her mane, “Why aren’t you back at the farm? Isn’t it applebuck season?”

Macintosh looked away. “Well, Ah…kinda misjudged mah strength…and kicked over a tree.”

Fluttershy gasped. “You kicked over a tree?”

“Ah know,” Big Macintosh said. “Applejack ain’t happy ‘bout it.”

“That’s not what I meant,” the pegasus said, backtracking. “I mean…that takes a lot of force, doesn’t it? You must be really strong.”

The stallion shifted awkwardly. “Thanks fer the compliment an’ all, but…”

“I’m sure it comes from pulling plows all day,” Fluttershy continued. “Don’t you ever have time to…relax?”

Warning bells went off in the earth pony’s brain. Something was off here. He recognized that tone, and the subtle emphasis on “relax”. Fluttershy was…

Flirting…with him.

“Fluttershy,” he said nervously. “Don’t you think them frogs should be getting to the swamp sometime soon?”

“They can wait,” Fluttershy said.

Big Macintosh took a step back. This was all wrong. Fluttershy was supposed to be…well, shy. Hence the name.
“Listen,” he said, taking another step back. “Ah just-“

“You what?” Fluttershy breathed, moving right up close to him.
Big Macintosh swallowed. Why were her wings still standing up from her back? He didn’t know a lot about pegasus anatomy, but he knew enough to be genuinely perturbed by what he was seeing.

“I…I…”

Words failing him, the stallion turned tail and fled, crashing through the underbrush where the uncharacteristically forward pegasus couldn’t follow. When he was sure he was out of earshot, he slowed to a walk, letting out a deep sigh. Damn these ponies, he thought to himself. They drive me to drink.

Fluttershy had never been that forward about anything. Usually, if he’d been the one to suggest spending some time together, she’d let out a frightened squeak, blush, and hide behind her mane. Now it seemed that their positions were reversed.

Must be in heat, or something, he decided. All mares went a little rangy for a few weeks every year. Many of the more conservative ones, Fluttershy included, just made themselves scarce during that interval.

Well, nothing to be done about it. The only thing he could do was try to avoid-

“Oh, hey Big Macintosh!”

The stallion jumped nearly a metre into the air, letting out an uncharacteristic shriek. Once his hooves touched the ground again, he whirled around, glaring at the purple unicorn standing behind him. “Twilight! Don’t sneak up on me!”

“Well, someone’s high-strung,” Twilight commented, walking closer. “What are you doing out here in the forest?”

Big Macintosh indicated back the way he came. “Tryin’ to get away from Fluttershy. She’s…well…”

“Oh,” Twilight said, cheeks reddening.

The stallion took a nervous glance behind him. “Ah just hope-“

“There you are!”

Big Macintosh yelped, glancing up, where the canary pegasus hovered over a gap in the trees. “I found you!” Fluttershy crowed, picking her way down through the branches.

The stallion let out a frightened neigh and crashed through the bushes again, heading in the general direction of Ponyville.

“Big Macintosh!” Fluttershy called after him. “Wait!”

This time, he didn’t stop. He kept up the gallop all the way to Ponyville, despite the scratches stinging on his flanks from where he crashed through a patch of nettles.

He glanced behind him, hoping Fluttershy hadn’t deduced where he was going. He relaxed for a moment, seeing nothing in the sky…wait.

Oh, damn. A yellow dot was growing in the distance.

Macintosh glanced around, looking for somewhere to take cover. Rarity’s Carousel Boutique beckoned immediately.
The stallion burst inside, ignoring the “closed” sign on the door.

“Rarity,” he panted. “You gotta help me. Fluttershy’s-“

Only then did he notice the state of the room. Gems and scraps of fabric were strewn over every surface. This was a fairly common sight when the unicorn was buried in some project, but this mess seemed…different, somehow. It wasn’t the organized chaos he was accustomed to. This was just…a mess. No order to it at all.

Come to think of it, one thing was missing. Rarity.

He took another step in. “Hello?”

This ultimately turned out to be a mistake. “Mine!” snarled a voice from the back room.

Big Macintosh jumped back, letting out his third surprised yelp of the day, as a disheveled alabaster unicorn charged out from the back room.

The stallion barely had time to register the severity of the situation before the unicorn slammed into him, knocking him to the ground. “Such a big, strong stallion,” she whispered into his ear.

Oh, Celestia. Not you too…

He wasn’t really sure how he was able to extricate himself without hurting the unicorn, or destroying half the shop in the process. The point was, he did. Moments later, he planted his weight on the other side of the door, while the spurned unicorn pounded on the other side. “You can’t get away that easily, you big hunk of stallion!”

Please just go away, please…

At that exact moment, Twilight decided to appear in a flash of light.

Big Macintosh sighed in relief. “Twilight. Thank Celestia. Quick, Ah need you to-“

“You never let me finish what I was going to say,” the unicorn said, grinning seductively.

The earth pony shrank against the door. “Twilight, Ah don’t want to hurt yer feelings, but Ah don’t want a relationship right now, and Ah think you…”

“Don’t pretend you don’t like the attention,” Twilight said, wrapping a thread of magic around his neck and tugging insistently.

Big Macintosh dug his hooves into the dirt, struggling to both resist the magic and continue to hold the door closed. For a small unicorn, Rarity certainly had a lot of energy.

“Maaaacintosh…”

The stallion groaned, looking up. Fluttershy hovered above him, a sultry grin plastered on her face.

“Hey, back off!” Twilight shouted. “He’s mine!”

“I saw him first!” Fluttershy shot back.

“Let me out!” Rarity howled from behind the door.

Big Macintosh stared dumbly at the two ponies in front of him. A muscle under his right eye began to twitch.

“There’s only one way to settle this,” Twilight said, glaring at the pegasus, who had alighted on the ground, her wings now too stiff to keep her aloft. “He’ll just have to choose.”

She turned toward Rarity’s boutique. “What’ll it be?”

Twilight frowned. “Macintosh?”

Big Macintosh galloped down the streets as fast as his legs could carry him, panting in terror. Why didn’t they take the hint? He didn’t want a relationship! Why didn’t they just leave him alone?

They’re in heat. That’s why. All of them. All at once.

Big Macintosh spat a few choice obscenities as he raced away. He had never been so glad in his entire life to not be a mare. To be driven into a hormone-fuelled frenzy every year…it was no wonder every mare he met seemed imbalanced.
A dark building to his right caught his attention. Without wasting any time, the stallion barreled inside, slamming the door behind him.

Once inside, he finally relaxed. Finally, a moment of peace. Now if only he could figure out how to get back to the farm without anyone-

“Hey.”

In ordinary circumstances, the stallion would have jumped. With his nerves as frayed as they were, he screamed at an octave entirely unbefitting for his gender and ran away from the voice…straight into a support pillar.

In the few moments it took for the room to stop spinning, the mystery pony was already at his side. “Relax, Big Mac. It’s me.”

Big Macintosh looked up, into Rainbow Dash’s magenta eyes. “Ah swear, if you-“

Dash laughed. “Relax, Mac. I’m not into that sort of thing, remember?”

The stallion grimaced. “No. Yer just into my sister.”

The cyan pegasus grinned at him. “Now I thought you were over that.”

Big Macintosh shuddered, peeking out through a crack. “What the hay is goin’ on? Everypony’s gone stark ravin’ nuts!”

Dash sighed. “You really need to get out more. It’s just that time of the year.”

“What time?” Macintosh snarled. “Everypony Ah’ve met has gone into heat! What kinda time is that?”

Rainbow Dash winced. “I guess it’s just bad luck that you came to town today. You’re usually at the farm this entire time, applebucking. You’d have missed it all.”

“Missed what?” Macintosh pleaded.

The cyan pegasus waggled her eyebrows.

Macintosh paused. “You mean…this time every year…every mare…”

“Now you’ve got it!” Rainbow Dash said, clapping a hoof onto his yoke. “Every other stallion who doesn’t want to get mobbed skips town this time of year. Something about late spring just...”

She laughed nervously. “This year was a bit nasty, I admit. I had some trouble keeping myself under control. You’re probably the only stallion who actually stuck around.”

Something suddenly occurred to the stallion. “What’re you doing in here, anyway?”

Dash shrugged innocently. “Nothing. Just happened to be here.”

Macintosh’s eyes narrowed. Meanwhile, the pegasus peeked through a hole in the wood, scanning the street. “Okay,” she whispered. “All clear. You’ve got a clear shot to Sweet Apple Acres. Go there and wait for this to blow over.”

The stallion tossed his misgivings to the side. Hard to believe all this was happening just because he kicked a tree too hard…

“Go!” Dash hissed. “Before anypony shows up!”

Big Macintosh pushed the door open, “Thanks, Rainbow. Ah owe you one.”

He looked forward, and froze.

Every single mare in Ponyville was standing there in front of him. Every. Single. One. Even his ex-marefriend Lyra, staring at him with those doe eyes that irritated him to no end.

And they looked…

“Here you go!” Rainbow Dash announced. “The only stallion dumb enough to stay here! Go nuts!”

The crowd of mares let out a deafening bellow of lust and charged at the terrified stallion.

Big Macintosh had time for one horrified scream before he was enveloped by the crowd. Hooves began pawing at him from every direction, as every mare in the crowd tried to get him for themselves.

Please, Celestia, or whatever else is up there, get me out of this, I swear I’ll do anything you ask, just get me away from these crazy mares!

Much to his alarm, a voice answered. Anything?

Yes! he thought back. Anything!

A violet flash enveloped him, spiriting him somewhere else. The crowd of frustrated mares collapsed in on itself, and began wildly looking for the stallion.

He was nowhere to be found.

Big Macintosh reappeared in a building somewhere. Where he was really didn’t matter. As long as he was away from the town’s insane female population.

After a moment, it occurred to him to look around. Stone walls...tapestries...

His brow furrowed. Am I…in a castle?

His eyes widened as realization dawned. Oh, no…

“Oh, yes,” Princess Luna replied, horn glowing as she bound him with a chain of magic.

The stallion struggled against the bonds, but to no avail.

“You said you’d do anything,” the alicorn said, moving closer. “Remember?”

Big Macintosh sagged, defeated. “Fine,” he moaned. “Ah give up.”

Luna laughed. “Oh, I have no intention of making this easy. No intention at all. After all...”

She leaned close and leered evilly at the stallion. "I have a thousand years to catch up on."

The stallion’s eyes widened in terror. Why didn’t I just stick with Fluttershy…

Escape from Canterlot

Just so you guys know, this chapter was never intended to be written. It's a product of the massive demand for a continuation. So, here you go. Go nuts.

Big Macintosh struggled wildly against the chains of magic binding him as the moon princess crept closer, a horrific grin plastered on her face. “Can’t we talk this over?” he pled. “Maybe have dinner first, a walk under the stars…at least pretend you ain’t gonna just…you know!”

“Oh, Macintosh,” Luna sighed. “You have no idea what it’s been like. To bear the cold of the moon for so long, without the warmth of another to share…the warmth of another stallion…”

The stallion jerked his head back involuntarily as the alicorn stroked his cheek with a tendril of magic. “Sshhh…” she whispered, winding the magic around his muzzle. “You talk too much.”

“Mmph!” Macintosh mumbled, shaking his head. Wake up, Mac. Wake up…

Luna closed the distance between them and dragged her tongue up the side of his neck. Macintosh flinched away, shivering. Despite his terror, he actually found himself getting a bit aroused by all this…

The moon princess licked the side of his neck again, and started planting small kisses on his jawline, moving closer and closer to his mouth. The red stallion beat her to the punch and turned his head to the side, kissing her square on the mouth.
Luna visibly shuddered at the contact, wrapping her forelegs around his shoulders and moaning into his mouth. She quickly released the tendril of magic holding his mouth closed and forced her tongue past his teeth, dueling with his own.

Rational thought lost to a sea of hormones, Macintosh tore himself away from her lips and began trailing kisses down her long, elegant neck. The midnight blue alicorn moaned again at his touch, and began pushing him toward the far end of her chambers, where her four-poster bed beckoned…

Both jumped as the door to Luna’s chambers slammed open. The moon princess immediately leapt away from the stallion, glaring at the intruder. “I said no visitors!” she snarled.

Macintosh shook his head, where normal thought processes were finally overpowering animal instincts. What the hay was I about to do?

Luna’s snarl cracked on her face as the intruder stepped farther into the room, revealing none other than Princess Celestia. “Luna!” she snapped. “I thought better of you!”

Luna took a tentative step backward, trembling. “I’m sorry, sister. But this season is especially bad. I forgot how hard it was to-“

“I’m not talking about that,” Celestia scoffed.

Luna blinked in confusion. “You…are not?”

The Regent of the Sun cast a sidelong look at Macintosh, a sultry grin spreading across her face. “I’m talking about keeping this spectacular specimen to yourself.”

The stallion’s animal instincts returned in full force, practically salivating at several particularly visceral images of what could happen…right before he shouted them down. After the fun would come awkwardness, followed by mistaken feelings, followed by a massive, debilitating headache. He’d been through all that with Lyra during a slight overindulgence on hard cider, and look how that had turned out.

But a potential three way between a pair of immortal goddesses was just so tempting...

Luna glared at her sister. “That’s not fair! You always got everything first! I want this one for myself this time!”

“Sometimes we don’t always get what we want,” Celestia snarled, lowering into an attack position. “Sometimes we just have to compromise.”

“I’ve got your ‘compromise’ right here!” Luna yelled, hurling a spell at her sister that left a vibrant afterimage on Macintosh’s retinas. The stallion shrank against the wall, trying to present as small a target as possible. All right, then, he thought, feeling strangely lucid all of a sudden. Stress hormones tended to do that to him. That's why I shouldn't stay.

The solar princess deflected the spell into a nearby wall, shaking the stonework and obliterating a Ming dynasty case that was unlucky enough to be in the way, and replied with one of her own. Sparks of magic sizzled through the air as the two sisters dueled furiously, hurling spells of steadily increasing ferocity at each other.

Finally, Luna deflected her sister’s spell and stopped, panting. “What are we doing?” she gasped, aghast.

Celestia relaxed, letting the magic in her horn die down. “I…I don’t know. Our feelings got the best of us, I suppose.”

Luna glanced around, surveying the destroyed room. “I don’t even know what to say.”

She glanced back at her sister. “Let’s promise to never fight over stallions again.”

“Agreed,” Celestia said. “I’ll just leave you two to-“

The alicorn glanced around the room, eyebrows furrowing. “Wait. Where’d he go?”

Luna stared for a moment at the spot the stallion had previously occupied, jaw hanging open. “This is all your fault!” she finally sputtered. “If you hadn’t barged in, I…I…”

Macintosh squeezed through a window, panting, as the sounds of a magical duel once again resumed from inside the princess’ quarters. He pushed off from the wall and landed heavily on a slate rooftop below, cracking several of the tiles. Too bad, he thought. I’ve got a pair of lunatic princesses to evade.

He hopped from rooftop to rooftop, finally landing on the cobblestone streets. “Right,” he panted to himself. “Jus’ relax. Keep movin’, and find somewhere t’ hide until this all blows over.”

He kept telling himself that as he crept along the darkened city streets, furtively scanning the surrounding buildings and alleys for signs of any more randy mares.

“Find somewhere t’ hide,” he repeated, glancing into a window…

And directly into a pair of eyes.

“Aah!” he yelled, scrambling backwards, before realizing it was a stallion staring out the window at him.

Macintosh carefully got to his feet, as the stallion inside the building beckoned to him. “Come inside,” he hissed. “Quickly! There isn’t much time!”

The draught horse would have been an idiot to refuse. He quickly scrambled in through the door, which his rescuer slammed behind him with a flick of his horn. The mystery stallion then proceeded to telekinetically close nearly a dozen locks and latches, finishing with a sturdy oak bar across the whole thing.

“Now,” he said when he had finished. “Perhaps you could tell me what you are doing in a populated area.”

“Ah might ask th’ same of you,” Macintosh replied, glaring at the unicorn’s fine clothing. “Specially since you actually had some warnin’.”

“Warning?” the unicorn asked. “What do you mean?”

Macintosh waved a hoof. “Long story.”

“I have time,” the mystery stallion replied.

The red earth pony eyed his rescuer suspiciously. Rainbow Dash had taught him to be cautious. Finally, he let out a breath. “Don’t suppose it would do much harm,” he said. “It all started when mah sister Applejack sent me t’ Ponyville-“

“So that’s where I recognize you from!” the unicorn crowed. “I thought your mark was familiar. Tell me, do you know a pony named Rarity?”

Macintosh flinched at the mention of the name. Mine!

“Ah know her.”

“Excellent!” the unicorn said. “Perhaps I should introduce myself, then. I am Fancy Pants, the leading word in Canterlot trends. Or so my followers would say.”

The draught horse was unimpressed. “Macintosh Apple,” he said, extending a hoof.

“Jolly good to meet you,” Fancy Pants said, shaking Macintosh’s hoof in both of his. “Or maybe I’m just glad to see somepony I can talk to. It’s been horribly dreary, listening to my own voice all day.”

Macintosh managed a weak smile. “Well, Ah’d love t’ stay, but Ah need to get back to mah farm. Ruttin’ season or no, there’s apples that need bucking.”

The unicorn’s smile slipped slightly at the stallion’s rough language, but he replaced it in an instant. “A truly winning attitude,” he said. “Allow me to at least allow you a night’s rest. This building is quite impenetrable to mares, I assure you.”

“Don’t mind if Ah do,” Macintosh grunted, dragging a couple silk cushions off the nearest couch. A polite cough from Fancy Pants interrupted him.

“I have a perfectly serviceable guest room, you know.”

“Oh,” Macintosh said, glancing at the couch. On second thought, maybe it didn’t look that comfortable. “Lead th’ way.”

XXX

Macintosh awoke with the dawn, as usual. He yawned and rolled out of the elegant bed, ignoring how the springs creaked in protest. The stallion stretched as he planted his hooves on the floor, and ventured downstairs.

A moment later, he found himself in a large kitchen, bristling with more appliances than he could count. With a bit of effort, he located the kettle and set about boiling some water for a refreshing mug of mint tea.

A noise at the window suddenly attracted his attention. Macintosh frowned, and carefully set a mug back on the counter.
He crept toward the door, noting with some relief that the locks were still intact. A few more steps took him to the shaded window beside the door. He tentatively made a gap in the curtains and peeked through.

Right into the bloodshot eyes of no less than seven mares, all crowded around the window. For a moment, the two parties just stared at each other, too shocked to act. Then one hoof crashed through the delicate glass of the window, grabbing at Macintosh’s shoulder. Another followed, and another…

The red stallion shrank back, unable to even summon his voice. One mare managed to push her face through the window and smiled at him. “Hey there, handsome.”

Macintosh howled in terror and fled upstairs, nearly colliding with a bleary-eyed Fancy Pants, who was still wearing a pink terrycloth nightrobe. “What’s all the fuss?” the unicorn yawned, peeking downstairs.

The sleep immediately fled from his eyes when he saw the mares pushing in through the window. “Oh dear,” he whispered.
“Come,” he said to Macintosh. “I have a back entrance. We can lose them in the alleys.”

The draught horse was only too quick to obey. Fancy Pants quickly swung open a weathered oak door, which opened out into a rather gritty back alley. Compost and waste water were strewn along the path, making Big Macintosh wrinkle his nose in distaste.

“Not the most pleasant of getaways, I admit,” Fancy Pants said. “But I’m sure you’d rather go here than on the main streets.”

Macintosh silenced him with a sharp look. “Enough o’ that. Move!”

Fancy Pants quicky led him down a side alley as something slammed against the back door. Neither stallion looked back, even as they heard the door break off its hinges behind them.

After a few minutes, Macintosh stopped, listening intently. “Ah think they’re gone,” he breathed.

“Good,” Fancy Pants panted. “I…whoo! I’m not as spry as I used to be…”

“You’re probably gonna be through worse,” Macintosh said grimly. “D’you know anywhere we can hide? Out in th’ country a bit?”

Fancy Pants thought for a moment. “Well…one of my friends hosts fox hunts at his chateau not far from here. Ghastly activity, I must say. I never took him up on the offers. But I have a good idea where it’s located. Now that I think of it, I really should have gone there in the first place...”

“Good.” Macintosh said, cutting the unicorn off and picking an alley at random. “Now all we have t’ do is get-“

He stopped, suddenly realizing the alley he had chosen made an abrupt turn onto a main road. A main road that was literally packed with mares.

This time, Macintosh was the first to break the stunned silence. “Run!” he howled, galloping back the way he came. The mares surged after him, cheering in glee.

“This way!” Macintosh yelled, ducking down another alley.

“No, wait!” Fancy Pants called “That’s back the way we-“

A scream cut him off, nearly drowning out several feminine cries of joy. Macintosh raced past him, eyes wide with panic. A moment later, the mares from Fancy Pants’ house appeared at the mouth of the alley, practically salivating in anticipation.
The unicorn didn’t let himself linger. He immediately pushed his exhausted legs into a full, gallop, forcing himself to catch up the fleeing earth pony ahead.

“Left!” he called when they got to a fork in the alley. Macintosh turned, trying to ignore the thunder of female hooves behind him.

Fancy Pants forged on, trying to ignore the burning in his lungs, but a wry smile finally spread across his face. “Who am I kidding?” he said.

“Macintosh,” he called. “Listen. When you get out of the city, head west. My friend’s chateau is on a bluff overlooking the river. The key is under a loose cobblestone in front of the house.”

“Why’re you tellin’ me this?” Macintosh yelled back. Then his ears flattened against his skull as he realized what the older unicorn was getting at. “No! We can make it!”

The unicorn planted his hooves and skidded to a halt. “If you see Fleur de Lis,” he said softly, “Tell her…tell her I love her.”

The red stallion forced himself to continue, leaving his newfound friend to buy the time he needed.

Fancy Pants settled himself comfortably on his haunches, waiting for the mares to arrive. “Well, that sounded much better in my head,” he muttered. “Always wanted to use a line like that, though. Ah, well.”

The mares came, flooding into the narrow alley. “Have at you!” Fancy Pants exclaimed. “I’m not afraid! Eh…what are you doing with that? Oh my, I don’t believe that’s…Wait! That’s not supposed to go there!”

Macintosh galloped on, as Fancy Pants’ voice was lost in the lustful cries of the pursuing mares. Dammit, he thought. Why do other folk always have to be the heroes?

But he carried on, swearing that the unicorn’s sacrifice would not be in vain. He burst out of the alley onto a main street, the exit to the city in sight.

But then he skidded to a halt, horror written on his face. The gate to the city…was closed.

He was trapped.

Macintosh forced himself to turn, meeting the eyes of a dozen mares who had already made their way out of the alleys.
“Jus’…” he started, his voice breaking. “Jus’ be gentle.”

“They won’t get the chance,” a voice said from on top of the city wall. “Rainbow! Put ‘em up!”

“C’mon, girls!” a scratchy voice yelled from overhead. “Come and get me!”

Macintosh looked up in shock. What…

Rainbow Dash streaked overhead, immediately drawing the attention of the pursuing mares. A tin can had been painted a bright cyan and attached to her muzzle, giving her a surprisingly coltlike appearance. It would never stand up to close examination, but it seemed to fool the horde of mares, for they all set off in pursuit of this new target, forgetting Macintosh entirely.

Applejack leapt off the wall, landing lightly beside her brother. “C’mon, Big Mac! Let’s get outta here!”

Macintosh’s mouth could barely string words together. “What…how…”

His sister laughed. “I ain’t about t’ leave my brother hangin’! Now let’s move! Dash won’t be able to keep ‘em distracted fer long!”

She turned and bucked the wooden gate. “Hey! Open up!”

A bluish glow surrounded the gate, and it swung open, revealing a rather battered Fancy Pants. “Don’t worry,” he told Macintosh. “I was as surprised as you to find this pony here! Seems someone up there has a soft spot for you.”

Macintosh looked back to his sister. “How’d you find me?”

Applejack shrugged. “Didn’t take much. Only three ponies Ah know of strong enough t’ teleport you any distance. One was accounted for, an’ the other two are here. So Ah just hogtied Twilight, knocked her around a bit, an’ got her t’ teleport me an’ Rainbow here. Findin’ Fancy Pants was a stroke o’ luck, Ah guess.”

The red stallion frowned. One thing didn’t add up. “But why’s Dash helpin’ me? She’s the one responsible fer gettin’ me sent here!”

Applejack shrugged. “Ah don’t know anything ‘bout that. You know Dash. She might mess with you a bit, but she’s the loyalest pony Ah know.”

Macintosh didn’t wait another moment. He galloped out of the city, feeling his stress finally fall from his shoulders as Fancy Pants closed the gat ebehind him, sealing the city off. “Wish Ah could see those ponies’ reactions when they find out Dash’s a mare,” he commented.

Applejack grinned wryly. “Somethin’ tells me a good portion wouldn’t object.”

Fancy Pants cleared his throat. “Well, it has been most enjoyable adventuring with you, but I must take my leave. And, uh…”
He lowered his voice. “You can…well, forget what I said about Fleur. Heat of the moment, you know?”

Macintosh nodded. “Will do. Good luck.”

“I wish the same to you,” Fancy Pants said, trotting away.

The red stallion turned back to his sister. “By the way, you knew what was goin’ on with the mares, didn’t you?”

Applejack kicked a stone, trying to look innocent. “Ah knew. It jus’ happened to coincide with applebuck season, so Ah had t’ keep myself under control.”

Macintosh glared at her. “So why’d you send me into town?”

His sister grinned widely. “Well, Ah had to teach you a lesson for kickin’ down that tree, didn’t Ah?”

The draught horse’s jaw dropped. “Why, you…you…”

He couldn’t even say it.

END (I mean, really the end this time. It took me long enough to even come up with an idea to continue this. I am not writing another chapter, no matter how much you beg. End. Finis. Al fine.)