The Ultimate Contest Of Evil (And The Not-So-Evil)

by deadpansnarker

Rating: everyone
Tags: Tirek, Trixie, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Starlight Glimmer, Random, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3557

In a mysterious location, all the baddies and not-quite-so-bad baddies of Equestria get together, to see who among them is the evilest and most wickedest of them all. Who will win? Well, I'm not going to tell you that here, am I?

In a mysterious location, all the baddies and not-quite-so-bad baddies get together, to see who among them is the evilest and most wickedest of them all.

Who will win? Well, I'm not going to tell you that here, am I? Read on, and all will be revealed. Maybe.

Published 2017-04-06 04:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-04-06 04:50:01 UTC

Who will take the title?!

The mysteriously cloaked dark figure crept slowly over to the entrance of the property at the dead of night. He glanced about once. Twice. Then, after having made absolutely sure the coast was clear, he banged on the door. Hard.

A tiny slat opened up at the top, and a pair of glowing emerald eyes surveyed the new arrival with suspicion. "What's the password?" whispered the raspish voice that accompanied their piercing gaze.

"Look, I haven't got enough time for this nonsense." The withered old voice growled in response. "It's taken me all week to escape my chains at Tartarus to be here tonight, because I heard there was a plan ahoof to take over Equestria featuring a partnership of the worst criminals around. I thought my powers might prove invaluable for the task, so that's why I'm here... to sign up. Now, are you going to let me in, or am I going to have to blast this door down?!"

"Relax, Tirek... I know who you are. Though in your current shriveled state, I doubt you could 'blast' a kitten..." The door was slowly unlocked and swung open to the accompaniment of mocking laughter. "But anyway, welcome to our little meeting of malcontents. You can wipe your feet on the way in..."

"You can blame those accursed ponies and their Rainbow Magic for my weakened condition, and my filthy hooves..." Tirek winced at the accurate observations leveled by his accuser, while making sure his hooves were nice and clean. "Not to mention those puny prison rations. There's barely enough grub underground to feed a Breezie..."

"Well, you don't have to worry about that here..." assured the female correspondent, now revealed to be none other than the snickering form of Chrysalis. "We have specially catered nibbles for all our ghastly guests, whether it be heart-shaped candy for me, or live domesticated mice for you..."

"Yummy!" Tirek licked his lips in anticipation, thinking about the fact that all he'd had to chew on in jail was dead, diseased rats, which weren't nearly as tasty or nutritious. "...Wait. Exactly how many 'guests' are there going to be tonight? Just to warn you in advance, I don't work too well as part of a team. After all, I have a slight history of betraying others..."

"Huh?" Chrysalis turned around briefly in confusion, as the pair walked down the corridor together towards the main meeting area. "Oh... this goes back to your earlier comment about a 'plan to take over Equestria'. Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I'm afraid you've been ever-so-slightly misinformed. We wicked sinners are simply here tonight for fun... to take part in a contest, if you like. To see who's truly the evilest of all of us evildoers..."

"W-What?!" Tirek rarely showed any emotion, but upon hearing this surprise revelation he found himself completely dumbstruck. "Y-You mean to tell me... I went to all the trouble of gnawing through my manacles and cell bars for over a month... spent days out in the open evading capture in freezing cold temperatures... and even jeopardised my chance at getting a couple of years off my millenia sentence to be here today... for the sake of a petty competition to see who's the biggest bad guy?!"

"Well, I'm here because I heard the prizes were pretty good, plus if I win it'll give me something to brag about to all my children once I get them back from the talons of that traitor Thorax..." Chrysalis shrugged, before delivering a hard kick to Tirek's side. "...And that's for saying this contest is for 'bad guys'. Don't be so sexist, you washed-up old fossil."

Before a grimacing Tirek could retaliate with a cutting riposte along the lines of: Chrysalis needing corks to stop the wind whistling a catchy melody through her hole-strewn body, the pair reached the large chamber. Already, a few familiar felon faces had arrived for the big event, and as Tirek scanned the room trying to recognise each one, Chrysalis stepped into the centre spot to rally the troops.

"Ponies and... miscellaneous lifeforms, please retire to your designated tables." She barked, relishing being in command of a large group once more. Immediately, the lively conversation dispersed, as the attendees charged to their pre-determined seats.

"Flim, and... Flam is it? I can never remember the second one's name..." Chrysalis scratched her chin, deeply in thought. "Never mind. One of you is responsible for counting heads, to see if everyone is here. Do we have any late arrivals?"

"I don't think so, Oh Former Queen. Only cancellations..." Flim went to check his list, only to find that his more resourceful brother had already stolen the second part of it.

"Let's see... Nightmare Moon won't be coming, because she's sadly dormant for now..." Flam ignored his sibling's angry protests, as eager as he was to curry favour with the influential Chrysalis. "Spoiled Rich thinks this pathetic gathering is way beneath her astronomically high standards, and King Sombra would've loved to attend, but sadly he is totally dead. He sends his apologies, though. So, I guess that's it..."

"Not quite!" A booming female voice could be heard rumbling out, as it's owner stepped into the room.. "A great occasion like this wouldn't be complete without The Great And Powerful Trixie putting in an appearance!" A blue mare wearing a swishy, starry magical outfit put herself forward for scrutiny, as cheap fireworks exploded all around her.

"Erm... hello there. I'm Trixie's 'plus one'." Her companion, the far meeker Starlight Glimmer, tried to make herself heard above the general hubbub. "Just to clarify things... we're both good now... but Trixie just had to come today to boast about her accomplishments, and I just had to follow her along to keep her out of trouble..."

"You!" Upon clapping eyes on Starlight for the first time since her ignominious defeat, Chrysalis abruptly flew at speed to seize her mortal enemy by the throat. "This is all your fault, the mess I'm in now! I lost my kingdom, my dignity and my children the day you crossed me... and now it's time for you to pay, with your life!!"

"Hey, hey!" Tirek suddenly found himself wedged between the two warring parties, in the incredibly unfamiliar role of peacemaker. "If we must participate in this stupid contest, the least we should do is try and be civil for the duration of it! Later on, we can tear each other to pieces at our leisure! How does that sound, ladies?"

"Why Tirek, my old chum, that sounds like a simply spiffing idea! I always knew you were an old softie in the pits of your blackened, shrunken heart!" Tirek cringed upon hearing that cheeky tone of speech. It almost certainly belong to the one and only draconequus, otherwise known as...

"Discord! I should've known you'd be here..." Tirek turned to sneer at the floating hybrid, who seemed to be wearing a waiter's outfit today. "And they say you're reformed. I didn't believe that rumour for one minute, creatures like you never change their ways..."

"Au contraire, mon ami!" Discord chuckled at length, while stirring some sort of bizarre concoction in his claw. "I am merely here tonight as a humble server of refreshing drinks. I won't take part, because that would be unfair to the other contestants. I'd quite like to catch up with some old friends, though... and by 'catch up', I of course mean take sweet, bitter revenge..."

That was the cue for the draconequus to pour the 'beverage' he'd been carefully preparing, which just so happened to be the finest quality sulfuric acid, all over Tirek's ancient visage. The aged geezer screamed in agony for a few seconds, before his special power of instant cell regeneration began to kick in. It didn't make the experience any less painful, though.

"That's for stealing my powers, lying to me and almost taking away the life of the pegasus I lov..." Suddenly, a strange red glow seemed to encompass Discord's entire frame, before he quickly blew his nose to restore himself to normal settings. "A-Anyway, can we get this show on the road, please? We've only got this venue 'til the morrow, and it was so hard to rustle up these staff at such short notice..."

Having said all this, the draconequus snapped his fingers and a bunch of ponies with their entire face and body region covered silently went about their designated tasks of wiping down the tables, refilling the food bowls and passing each guest a drink, ones which were slightly less skin-melty in nature than the initial 'cocktail' Discord dished out.

"These were the cheapest hired help we could afford at the weekend, and they insist on keeping their identities a secret, probably to protect their families, or something. A bit weird but hey, at those prices, you can't really complain. Regardless, I hope you all enjoy this special one-of-a-kind brew I've invented, it's entirely my own making. In fact, you might even say a little piece of me is in every..." The hybrid announced proudly, before a nearby scream from Dr Caballeron cut him off in his prime. "...Oops, forgot I left that stray eyeball in your glass. Still, at least I've proven my prior claim to be completely accurate. Here, have a special ten per cent Discord discount card to make up for any future therapy bills that horrifying experience may have cost you. Redeemable at all good Chaos-Marts out there..." He said, handing over the voucher while simultaneously plopping his wandering organ of sight back in it's socket.

"Hang on just a minute..." Having regained most of his composure and burnt-off face, Tirek signaled with his walking stick to some of the less illustrious guests there. "What are the 'B Team' doing here?! Most of these rookies haven't even come close to taking over the world, let alone done anything that could be seen as mildly evil..."

"I resent that remark!!" Prince Blueblood huffed, muzzle held firmly in the air as always. "My boorish escapades are often the talk of the town! In fact, just last week I got voted 'Biggest Cad In Equestria' by Eligible Stallion magazine! I'm so proud of myself... nopony else came close in the final count! E-Er... what do the words 'boorish' and 'cad' mean again? A-And, this is the award ceremony for the most Princeliest of Princes honour, i-isn't i-it?! "

"Gee, aren't you the smart one. I can see the Equestrian royal family is in great hooves with you as it's future representative." Suri Polomare rolled her eyes, before announcing her own impressive credentials. "Hi there everypony. I'm the most uncompromising, unprincipled, cutthroat designer you could ever not wish to meet, who'll steal even the most mediocre of ideas to turn them into a potential profit, m'kay? Having said all that, business has been a bit lean since my humiliating humbling in Manehattan, ssooo... anypony here got any brilliant design ideas they don't wish to share?!"

"Yes, I have an 'idea' for you... get off the stage, you rank amateur!" Svengallop regarded the previous speaker with utter contempt."...For clearly you are no match for the great Svengallop, who spent years exploiting the burgeoning talent of Countess Coloratura, and I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling ponies. Honestly, it's so hard for a conniving promoter to make an indecent living these days."

"That's the one thing you and I can agree on..." Wind Rider growled, studying the vacant area on his chest where all of his medals used to proudly hang. "A bit of deception to keep my flying record, that's all it was. Now, not only have I been dishonorably discharged from the Wonderbolts, I've lost any shred of respect I ever had. Even the most pathetic of flight training cadets won't ask me for an autograph now. It's just not fair... all those years, wasted... mutter"

"I'll tell you 'what isn't fair'..." The only dragon guest that evening by the name of Garble decided to have his say at this juncture, as he narrowed his slit eyes. "...Not being able to eat your most favourite phoenix egg dish because of an interfering little runt, and then the same stunted reptile somehow becoming Dragon King in front of you after a deadly obstacle course. Then, to rub further salt in my wounds, he has the nerve to pass up his privileged new position to a female, of all creatures. It makes me sick to my very scales..."

"The only 'sickening' thing around here is the amount of male chauvinism on display..." Chrysalis remarked, while kicking Garbles firmly in his garbles. "Anyway, blatant sexism aside, you'll have to forgive the somewhat weak resume of some of our contestants this evening, Tirek. You see, Equestria is such a sickly-sweet utopia of happy-clappy equines these days, it's very hard to find any decent baddies at all. So, needless to say, we've had to bustle in some of the... lesser fiends out there. I don't mind though, as it means more chance for the likes of me and you to win."

"Surely you can't include Trixie in that parade of charlatans over there..." The blue unicorn took great umbrage at being compared to, from her perspective, a load of losers. "Trixie not only came this close to conquering all of Ponyville with her magic amulet, she even managed to control an Ursa Major! Now, that takes some doing..."

"Trixie, that's a fib, and you know it! Twilight told me the whole story..." Starlight shook her head in disappointment, before returning to address those in attendence. "Sorry about her... she's often prone to boasting, and talking in first pony. But, even though I am thoroughly ashamed of my past activities and would never dream of replicating them, I have got a pretty good C.V of evil atrocities myself. My participation depends, though... exactly how good are the prizes?"

Each guest looked at each other in confusion at this point, before turning to Flim and Flam, who apparently had all the pertinent information written down.

"Hmm... That's the one thing we don't know." Flim announced, while checking and rechecking his list.

"...Along with who set up this contest in the first place." Flam confirmed, also studying the same paperwork.

"Wait a sec. You're telling me, you all turned up here today, in this same spot, with no idea who arranged this entire thing." Tirek was alert to danger all of a sudden. "Didn't it cross any of your feeble little brains, just for a second, that this could all be a..."

"Well, well, well. Looks like our prison escapee has been the first to figure everything out." A countrified accent piped up out of nowhere, the significance of which particularly made Flim and Flam shake. "Congratulations should be in order, I suppose..."

"Indeed. Nice to see you're keeping well, Suri. You haven't changed one bit, have you?" That voice... that posh, irritating voice. Miss Polomare scanned the area with bared teeth to locate it's owner.

"And Wind Rider. Great that you're trying to make amends for your past behaviour... not." A disgusted tomboyish tone sounded next, one which the former Wonderbolt knew only too well and caused him to cower in fear all of a sudden.

"I didn't come here with any grudges... I'm just here for the party!" An excited, shrill voice cut above all the tension. "Though I must say, I've seen much better. Where's the balloons? The games? The rubber chickens?! I wish I'd bought my cannon with me now..."

"Pinkie Pie, I told you we're not here to have fun..." A commanding tone revealed the identity of at least one of the gatecrashers. "But, seeing as they've just figured things out, let's reveal 'the big surprise', shall we?"

The lights were turned off unexpectedly, and when the hall was illuminated again a few seconds later, everything became clear. For there, formerly attired in the nondescript rags of the servants for the evening, were none other than Twilight Sparkle and friends, looking sternly at the astonished faces all around them.

"We set up this fake competition to try and drag Chrysalis out of hiding, as well as a few other notorious ne'ver do wells..." Twilight spoke to all those gathered around her. "But we never thought we'd attract this much attention... including from you, my prize student. Nearly giving into temptation over a big prize... shameful. I see we shall have to redouble our Friendship Lessons post haste, as well as discuss the continuing bad influence of your magician friend over there. Was I right all along, in my reluctance to let the two of you hang out together?"

While Starlight tripped over her own words in trying to proffer an explanation for her first big boo-boo since the little hypnotic brainwashing incident, Discord slapped himself silly. "Oh, I should've known it was too good to be true! Servants that cheap are impossible to come by... especially on a Sunday!! Don't I feel like a total ass?!"

And, as the shape-shifting creature morphed his spiral form to match that of a goofy-looking donkey. the last of the formerly disguised ponies ventured forward to speak. "Discord, I'm surprised at you!! I thought, after banding together with all your friends to save the world, you were a fully-reformed draconequus! I suppose I may have been too hasty in my optimism..."

"Oh Flutters, please forgive me... I was only here as a bartender!!" Discord protested, and to prove his point he started pouring her a pint of grass extract with a little umbrella sticking out of it. "You know I would never willingly get involved with that sort of pony again after last time. If I'm going to take over the world in the future, it'll purely be a solo job!"

"This isn't funny, Discord!!" Fluttershy gave him an irritated look, but she still took a sip of his drink. "Still, I take your point that you weren't actively participating in the depraved events staged here. Even so, I can't help but feel you deserve some kind of punishment for even being in attendance at this clearly advertised 'Evil Nasty Baddies Convention'... I've got it! no cucumber sandwiches for a week!"

Discord stopped begging piteously, to stare at Fluttershy in sadness. "R-Really?"

"Yup." Fluttershy sounded and resembled the stoic Big Mac for a moment, but a cheeky grin soon worked it's way onto her face. "Of course, we can still have coffee together, and maybe, you can tell me about that 'thing' that made you go all red earlier on."

"I...what... who... where...when.... whoa." A now-flushed Discord's long forked tongue emerged all tied in knots, and when he inserted a random thermometer in his mouth, the top just exploded. He gamely followed the rest of the shame-faced 'villains' as they were frogmarched outside, along with a particularly embarrassed Starlight Glimmer, eager to make amends for her unwise appearance that night, holding Chrysalis firmly in one of her inescapable magical aura locks.

As for Tirek, he couldn't help but shoot his mouth off. "You'll never take me alive! Evil shall arise once more! Hear me, for I have spoken! Bwhahahaha!!" The mad old coot in question proclaimed loudly, as he was swiftly nudged away by a very fed-up looking Twilight.

"Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the judge. I'm sure he'll be extra nice, and order you some specially designed unbreakable handcuffs and bars this time around..." The princess remarked as she was about to leave, before noticing something out of place on the floor.

"Hold on..." Twilight quickly flew over to where the small bundle was located under the table where Chrysalis had been seated, to find that it was none other than Flurry Heart, babbling away happily while waving a rattle in the air.

"Oho! Now I see we can add infant kidnapping to your list of offences!" Twilight frowned, staring at the former Changeling queen with outright disgust.

"B-But, I had no idea she was here!" Chrysalis protested, rapidly waving her hooves while floating in the air. "I-I'm innocent, I tell you!!"

"Oh, and I suppose she flew all the way here from the Crystal Empire by herself, eh? And I'm supposed to believe somepony who was silly enough to wander into Ponyville Town Hall for a popularity contest, when she's still a wanted fugitive?! Whatever. It's just another extra addition to your charge sheet. Should be an interesting trial indeed..." Then, in a considerably more affable manner, Twilight picked up her niece gently before cooing. "Let's get you back to your Mummy and Daddy shall we, and away from all of these horrible bullies? I bet they're missing you terribly..."

If you'd watched the youngster closely as she was carried out, you might just have noticed the tiniest little smirk on her face, along with the smallest hint of green colouring flashing from her irises.

Who knows, maybe she was not so out of place there that dark night after all.

Author's Note

This fic is based on an episode of something-or-other from some-classic-animated-series. :moustache:

If you want to chat, please comment down below. In the meantime, I'll be working on another of my grande ideas... :raritywink: