Author's Note
A random, silly idea for a very short fic that I just couldn't let get away from me. Enjoy!
Am I being detained?
The red and blue lights of the police cruiser illuminated Officer Shining Armour’s ivory-white skin as he stepped out, hitching his belt up around his dark blue pants. He paused to adjust the cap on his head as he eyed up the vehicle he’d pulled over. A white pickup, slightly battered-looking… and most pertinently, with no licence plate.
An electronic squawk emitted from the radio on Shining’s waist as he approached the truck. He stepped around to the driver’s side, motioning for the driver to pull the window down.
The window buzzed down to reveal a wiry-looking man with black, slightly greasy-looking hair and thick horn-rimmed glasses. He sniffed as he looked at Shining with what could only be described as suspicion. Poking out of his shirt pocket, Shining noted, was a smartphone with the camera pointed towards him.
“Evening, officer,” the driver said, still giving him that squinty-eyed look.
“Good evening, sir,” Shining replied, leaning in and putting his hand on the roof of the truck. “Do you know why…”
“Can I get your name and badge number for the record, please?” the driver asked, a slight smirk appearing at the corner of his lips.
Shining blinked. “Pardon me, sir?”
“You are being recorded,” the driver said robotically, taking his hands off the steering wheel and folding his arms. “Can I get your name and badge number, please?”
Shining sighed internally. He could already tell that this was going to be way harder than it needed to be. “Certainly, sir. It’s Shining Armour, badge number 448. Now, do-”
“Am I being detained?” the driver interrupted, not even trying to hide the hostility in his voice. Yep, this was gonna be really easy, Shining could tell.
“Sir, I just-”
“Am I being detained?” the driver repeated, raising his voice to a near shout. He was outright glaring at Shining by this point. What the hell was this guy’s problem?
“Well, no sir,” Shining replied, rubbing his eyes. “I just pulled you over because…”
“Under what probable cause?” the driver demanded. “You need probable cause to pull me over. Do you suspect me of a crime?”
“Well, yes sir, I do,” Shining said flatly. “Your truck doesn’t have any licence plates on it, front or back. It’s illegal to drive without plates here in the state of-”
“And can you prove I was driving?” the driver asked, smiling superciliously.
Shining suppressed the urge to groan. What was this guy’s… “Sir, of course you were driving. I just pulled you over, didn’t I?”
The driver’s grin widened. “No, I wasn’t. I was travelling. And by pulling me over without probable cause, you are impeding on my Constitutional right to travel unmolested.” He nodded smugly. “Corfield vs. Coryell, and the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution. Look it up.”
By now, Shining was grinding his teeth in the back of his head at the idea of dealing with this fool for a moment longer.
“Sir,” he said, trying to stay calm, “the Fourth Amendment is not relevant here. The Supreme Court ruled in 1925 that a police officer may stop a motorist if he has probable cause to-”
“And do you have probable cause?” the driver snapped.
“Yes, I do! You don’t have any licence plates! That’s a felony under-”
“No, it’s not!” the driver yelled. “I am not beholden to your laws. I am a free man on the land.”
“A what?” Shining groaned.
“I do not submit myself to any country or corporation,” the driver said pompously. “The only law I follow is the common law, set out under the Articles of Confederation. I don’t care what your little rulebook says. That’s the law.”
“But sir, you just tried to claim protection under the Fourth Amendment,” Shining pointed out. He wasn’t even going to bother trying to point out that the Articles of Confederation hadn’t been law for over three centuries now.
“That’s right,” the driver said snippily. “I have the rights of a U.S. citizen, but I do not recognise U.S. law.”
Shining could feel a migraine coming on. “So… you have the rights of a U.S. citizen… without following U.S. law?”
“Exactly,” he nodded. “That’s what common law says, and it supercedes any little state law you may have.”
“One moment please, sir,” Shining said heavily, walking to the front of the truck.
“Am I being detained or am I free to go?” the driver called after him. Shining ignored him, pulling out his radio.
“Car Charles-5 here,” he said. “I’ve got some damn freeman on the land giving me a real headache down here on Route 4. Refusing to cooperate. Can someone give me a hand with him? Over.”
“16-Adam, I can take that, over,” a voice shot back.
Relieved, Shining returned to the truck, where the guy was looking at him with the petulance of a child. “Okay sir, another officer will be here shortly. In the meant-”
“Am I being detained?” the driver shot at him.
“Yes, sir, you are,” Shining snapped, losing his patience. “You do not have any licence plates on your truck, and now that I look, there’s no insurance either. This, combined with the attitude you’re giving me, gives me probable cause…” He enunciated that part carefully. “...to believe that you are up to some shady-ass shit.”
“Well, joke’s on you, Officer,” the driver spat back as another cruiser pulled up in front of them, “because I do not consent to any of this. You touch me, and I’ll sue your ass and your entire damn department.”
“Try it,” the newly-arrived officer, a fire-haired young lady named Copper Top, said angrily as she approached him, baton raised. “Step out of the truck, now.”
“I do not consent!” the driver yelled. “This is all being recorded-”
“Step out now or I’m going to break the glass,” Copper warned.
“I do not consent!”
“Step. Out. Now!”
“I do not consent!” the driver screamed, his voice rising several octaves. “I am not beholden to-”
“Final warning!” Copper yelled.
“I do not-!”
The deafening crash of shattered glass cut the driver off as Copper busted the window in, before pulling the door open. “Let me see your hands!”
“This is abduction, you hear me?!” the driver hollered, as he clawed at Copper Top. “You’re all gonna…”
He put his hands on Copper Top’s body, which was immediately followed by a loud, gurgling scream mixed with the rapid clicking of her taser. Grinning, Copper pulled his limp, quivering body onto the ground. “And now we’ve got you on assaulting an officer, dumbass. You have the right to remain silent…”
Shining watched the spectacle, shaking his head. “All of this over a damn licence plate…”
END
