Waffles...
The waffles are calling you.
All through the night they have been invading your dreams. Stacks of those golden fuckers, piled up high and drowning in syrup and melted butter. It taunts you, calls out your name.
"AAAANNNNNNOOOOONNNNNNN and shit. GET UP AND MAKE SOME MOTHERFUCKING WAFFLES YOU COCKBURGERLER!"
The sun has barely started its climb as you spring from your bed and head over to the bathroom to perform your morning triple S (void where prohibited by law) . Rushing through your daily routine as your taste buds are already working overtime in excitement, barely able to contain itself.
You squeal like an underage schoolboy after being told that all the best candy is in that windowless van parked along that one side of the school yard. You prep the batter and watch as the waffle maker that has never been explained before how you got it heats up. Seriously you expect me to write all this shit down?
A smile spreads across your face as your plate is overflowing with the fluffiest waffles you have ever seen. Their aroma floods your nostrils, that forces a small trail of drool down the corner of your mouth.
You sit down at your table turning your brand new Samsung UN65KS8000 65-Inch 4K Ultra HD Smart LED TV that once again has never been explained as to why it's their. Honestly I'm getting tired of explaining all this shit to you. For once in your lives just go with the flow and stop complaining about all this fucking continuity bullshit that everyone bitches about. Who the hell do you think I am the continuity fairy? Fuck! You never appreciate all the hard work I put into these stories and would it kill you to leave an up vote on them once in awhile? And why does the My Little Pony look so cute? Back in my day all we had to look at was wiggling sticks with faces drawn on them and we were happy to have them. And why did fourteen purple elephants walk into my room and why are they singing "Let it go?" And where did that talking mushroom with the sunglasses and tie come from and why is fimfic run by the Illuminati and...
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Ahh...okay the meds are finally kicking in so lets continue.
Your fork cuts through your waffles as...as...well a really good fork thingy...cutting through...waffles. (Nailed it.) You bring the fork full of food to your mouth and...and stop. Your eyes glued to your TV waiting for something horrible to happen. Which usually does since this is an Anon story. You wait, and wait and wait a little more. Until you hear someone yell "CUT!"
Your house melts before your eyes as ponies jump out of the woodwork. Doing minor work to the set you suddenly find yourself on. Off to one corner you notice a pony quite different from the others. He looks kinda like Princess Luna with a bad case of Down Syndrome. You feel a certain oiliness to him as if he should be making porn or writing on fimfic.
"What's fimfic?" You ask.
"Fuck off Anon."
"Where's our soulless abomination Flutterschmooze?" he shouts.
"She's still in make-up." shouts another pony from across the set.
"Dammit!" the special-ed looking pony grumbles as he gets up from his chair and walks over to you. "Anon! Buba! Baby cakes!" he says while slapping you hard on the back. "Opium4TmassS here and its a pleasure to finally meet you. Were so happy Flutterpriest was kind enough to subcontract his characters to our next story. I have to tell you it's an honor to be working with one of the greats here. It's a damn shame mine organized a union. Fucking demon pony union!" He says spitting out the last words, "I am now required to give them time off. Next thing you know they'll want to be paid. Thank god for expendable characters like you."
You start to question what does expendable character means when you hear a yell from across the set.
"She's coming now," a voice yells out.
"Finally we can now get started." said Opium going back to his seat. "Places everyone."
"How do I look?" asks Pinkie Pie stepping on the set.
"Like Fluttershy herself," said Opium, "Too bad were still in negotiations with her agent and weren't able to use her."
You look over at her in shock. Her fur has been poorly painted over with a coat of yellow paint leaving spots wherever she went. In some places you can still see her pink fur. Even worse was what they did to her cutie mark. Someone had started to paint butterfly marks on her flank but must have gotten bored and said fuck this shit. You know this because those are the words that they wrote on her flank. Along with some half-assed doodles plus something that resembled a rocket and a taco. (Don't think to hard about that one.)
"Okay are we ready to start the scene?" Opium asks.
"Um kinda," says Pinkie, "No one handed me a script."
"Oh its simple. You are an undead monster desiring human flesh. So you jump out of the television and eat Anon," Says Opium, "Any questions?"
"Hey!" you cry.
"Shut up Anon."
"Got it," Pinkie says as she put on her Fluttershy wig
"That's great. We'll do a quick run through before we film...err write. Go to your mark and well start," he says as he goes back to his chair, "everyone ready?"
The room gets quieter as the ponies go to their places. You wish you could talk or move or do something but the writer seems to have forgotten to do anything with you. Hey It's my story I can do anything I want. WWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
"And action." Opium yells.
You watch as a stalking Pinkie slowly makes her way over to you. You feel a sense of fear slowly overtaking you as a horrible, evil grin spreads across her face as she gets closer and closer until she's right next to you. A dangerous gleam is in her eyes and a snarl escapes her lip. Arching her back she pounces you.
Zzzzziiiiiiippppp! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP!
"Cut!" yells Opium.
"How was that?" Pinkie asks.
"Sweetie! Pinkie Boobala! That was perfect. But can you do me one favor?"
"Oh what's that?"
"When we do the scene can you not suck his dick."
"Sorry."
"It's okay. Now lets get ready for the shoot. Places everyone."
"Sir," said a young pony assistant that looks a lot like Princess Luna walking over to Opium, "I think we need to talk about Pinkie."
"Oh, what is it?"
"Well besides the fact she is acting like a complete idiot I feel she is being written way out of character. This is some really awful fanfic writing."
You glance over and find Pinkie busy cleaning her ears with a six-inch nail she found on the floor.
"What? Pinkie is a lovable goofball well known for her zany randomness. Singing, dancing, giving random ponies head." Opium says while staring at the floor, "Just like that season three episode."
"Which episode is that?" the assistant said narrowing her eyes at him
"Oh, you know, that mumble mumble one."
"Which one?"
"You know, the one where she sings the smile song then blows seven ponies."
You notice an argument about to happen when another pony intern approaches. "Sir!" He shouts to Opium, "I just got a call from Fluttershy's agent and she has agreed to be in the story. In fact she just arrived on stage now."
With surprising speed you watch as Opium grabs the sloppy and formerly pink pony and with a quick thrust tosses her out the window.
Disclaimer: No Pinkie Pies were hurt during the writing of this story.
"Fluttershy! Sweetheart! Babycakes! Glad you could join us," schmoozes Opium while putting a hoof around Fluttershy as she walks in, "Do you need a moment to read the script?"
"No thank you I already read it on my way here," she says as she throws his hoof off of her, "If it's okay with you I would like to start the scene." she says as she walks over to your television, "So do how do I jump out of the TV?"
It takes a moment as two burley ponies walk over to her, picked her up and crammed her into the screen. You hear the sound of glass and equipment breaking as a Fluttershy sized hole suddenly appears.
Disclaimer: No Fluttershys were harmed during the writing of this story. Anon was but no one gave two fucks about him.
"Ready," she groaned as she dangled halfway out of the TV.
"We'll CGI the rest in." You hear Opium say to his assistant.
"Places!" yelled one of the ponies.
A pony walk over to you and holds a clip in front of your face, "Flutterschmooze wants to get in your pants scene one take one," he says as he slaps the top down
"Action!" Opium yells.
Reality bends back to what it was as you still find yourself sitting in your seat with a forkful of waffles hovering near your mouth without the slightest idea of what you should do.
EAT THE FUCKING WAFFLES DIPSHIT!
You pull the food closer to your mouth as a soft voice calls out your name.
"AAAAnnnnoooonnn shit I'm stuck. I'm coming for yyyyooouuuuuuuu. Ugh...Dammitt. Your end is nnniiiiigggghhhhh. Can someone give me a push? Your soul is my...I mean mmmmiiinnnneeee."
"Your not a ghost sweetheart," a voice says
You hear a few sniggering in the background as Fluttershy finally pulls herself from the screen and stalks her way over to you. Surprised by her sudden speed she pounces on you.
SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP! SLURP!
"Cut!" yells Opium, "No cock sucking."
"Sorry. Haven't been in a lot of horror mostly clop."
"Really awful writing." whispered a third voice.
"You shut up."
"Do you want me to do another take?" said the assistant as she stared at Opium.
Opium thinks about it for a moment before he speaks, "I'm hungry, lets grab a bite to eat then we will redo the scene from the start. My treat."
You hear a cheer among the crew as everything is dropped as the ponies scurry out leaving you alone and still frozen in your spot. (I knew I forgot to write something...Oh well.)
"Chinese?" asks Fluttershy.
"Sure," Opium says as he walks by, " I know this great spot not to far away."
You can only watch as he grabs your plate of food and takes a bit bite of it as passes. "These are really good waffles Anon." he says with his mouth full of food, "but I better not spoil my appetite." and throws them in the trash as he leaves.
"By Anon we'll see you in a few hours," his assistant calls to you as she turns off the light while exiting. Leaving you alone in a dark empty room, with no food, and your limp dick hanging out of your pants with horse spit slowly drying on it.
The good news is this is only day one.
Return of the Flutterschmooze
Return of the Flutterschmooze
Waffles.
All you wanted was some waffles.
Since coming to Equestria your life has been nothing constant stream of torment to even more torment. Just when you think you finally hit rock bottom you find that your not even half-way down. You been beaten, raped, experimented on, stalked. Your house set on fire more than a few times. You lost count how many times you have lost everything, regrouped, only to lose it all again and again and again.
You realize you haven't just reached your limit but you have taken twenty steps over it and are admiring the black void underneath your feet. For a world of rainbow colored ponies that sing songs all day about friendship you have found they can be a bunch of evil little shits when they want to be.
You feel the blackness of despair slowly overtaking you as it burrows deep all over your body. You have had enough of Equestria. Enough of their insanity. Enough of GODDAMN PONIES!
You realize what you have to do to get away from it all.
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Before you can do anything you feel the room grow noticeably colder as the rotting smell of death and decay fills the place. The dark room darkens even further as if all the warmth was being consumed by something terrible. As if something incredibly evil was consuming life itself.
A tear in the fabric of reality opens right in front of you. You hear the screams and cries of unknown victims through it in unimaginable pain as a creature steps through it.
Born of nightmares beyond comprehension you feel her soulless eyes lock squarely onto yours as she begins to speak in a voice that promised only death and destruction in the most horrible ways.
"ETERNAL PAIN AWAITS YOU MORTAL! I WILL DEVOUR YOUR VERY SO...Wait where the hell is everybody?"
You notice the room returning to normal as the demonic aura fades away leaving you what looks like another Fluttershy standing next to you.
"I'm Flutterschmooze," she says as she walks over to you, "The demonic version of Fluttershy created to devour the unaware. So mind telling me what happened?"
It takes you a few moments to collect from the nervous breakdown you just had before you finally can find your voice and tell her.
"What!" she cries, clearly upset, "I came all the way to Equestria for nothing? You know how much bits I spent to get my hair done for this scene? And the traffic, don't even get me started on that. I...I could just scream. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (Fluttershy is still Fluttershy.)
She looks at the ground dejected for a moment while kicking her hoof around silently until she takes a deep breath and looks at you.
"Well it can't be helped. Truth be told the only reason why I even wanted to be in the story was to get a chance to talk to you."
"Oh?" you say quietly, not sure if this is a good thing.
"Of course your Anonymous. You been in a lot of stories on fimfic. So many that you have become very popular. So I wanted to talk to you and see if you could tell others about me. Maybe put in a good word or two. I brought my portfolio that you can, you know spread around."
You open your mouth to speak when she holds up her hoof to you to stop.
"Hold on," she says, "Before you say anything let me show you what I can do."
You watch as she takes a step back and closes her eyes in concentration, "Give me one second and let me get in the mood." as she focuses you notice a purple glow starts to emanate around her. Slowly it grows outwards from her moving towards you.
"Um Flutterschmooze," you start to say as it surrounds you, "Flutterschmooze."
"Shh!" she says, "Give me one second to show you what I can do."
"Anon," the mist whispers in your ear while you feel something soft and delicate start to caress your body, "Do you know me? I know you do. I am those darkest desires you have hidden away deep inside yourself. I am that lust you are so afraid of admitting even to yourself."
"Almost ready," said Flutterschmooze taking a deep breath.
Your body tingles all over as unseen things start to work on you. Your mouth feels dry, tongue is swollen as you feel something unseen brush against your lips tracing it slowly as it explores every part. Already you feel your dick throbbing painfully as the mist almost reverently fondles it as it continues to speak to you.
"Oh little Anon. What do you know of the pleasures of the flesh. The things I could show you no mortal has ever felt before. I will destroy you, rebuild you and destroy you again. Over and over and over again and you will come back begging for more little Anon. You have no grasp of the pleasures I can give to you. You know I am speaking the truth.
"Okay I'm ready," said Flutterschmooze, "watch and tell me what you think."
You feel yourself ready to explode. As every part of your body is being worked over by the darkness.
"You have know idea of the things others have done for my attention. Empires have crumbles in wars over me. Kings have sold themselves into slavery for my smile. I have made gods weep when I have refused them. Just say the word Anon and I will show you pleasures can't even possible conceive of."
With half lidded eyes aroused you watch her as she lowers her head and stares upwards at you through her hair. "Anon," she timidly asks as she moves her head a little, "I was wondering...if...if oral sex was your fetish?" she says as a smile spreads over her face. Exposing rows upon rows of cruel razor sharp teeth.
You hear a little scream and a pain spreads across your stomach as you realize that your penis is busy trying to bury itself back into you.
"Well? What do you think?" she asks, "So can you talk to someone about adding me to a story?"
Your expression frozen on your face. You get up and walk over to one of the cabinets in your kitchen. Putting on a pair of oven mitts you gently almost reverently pick her up, walk her outside and ever so softly put her on the ground before going back in and locking it. Emerging a few seconds later to nail a wooden cross you just made on the door before heading back inside.
"O-okay. You need some time to think it over I understand," she says to the door, "I'll come back later."
You spend the rest of the day under the covers in your bed holding, various holy symbols. A short while ago you wanted to die. Now you realize their is a thing worse than death waiting for you.
Fucking demon ponies.
Flutterschmooze needs a favor
It is a bright and beautiful day in Equestria.
The sun is shining the birds are singing and the sky is a beautiful shade of blue. Everyone and anyone seems to be having a great day.
Yo we can't be having this shit here. This is an Anon story for fucks sake.
You skip your way down the road like the filthy degenerate you are. Completely unaware of the ponies laughing at you behind your back at how stupid you look.
You are whistling a catchy tune to an old earth song as you travel on, when a globe of utter darkness materializes in front of you. A blast of cold wind carrying the stench of rot blows through you, throwing you to the ground. You stop dead in your tracks as the globe constricts back into itself leaving a certain yellow soul-sucking pony suddenly standing on a field of dead, burnt grass.
You feel the urge to run and hide but the experience of many Anon stories under your belt have taught you the futility of that. She looks at you with a strange expression on her face as she shifts back and forth. You feel she is almost embarrassed.
"Oh, Flutterschmooze. Hi" you say feeling despair well up in you.
"Hi Anon is something something your fetish? No? Damn I tried. Listen I need a favor."
Oh?" you say wondering how far you could get away if you started running. "Well I love to help but I'm pretty busy at the moment. Maybe if you ask Spike he would be..."
"JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN!" she shouts, baring her wicked teeth as her eyes flash a jet black color. leaving you frozen where you stand.
"Did-did you just use your demon voice on me?"
"Sorry about that I'm feeling pretty stressed today. Which is why I wanted to talk to you."
"Umm.."
"Look I'll be honest. It's been five thousand years since I got any and I'm in heat. Anon I need the D and your going to give it to me. I'm climbing up the walls over here and I promise not to eat your soul when were done."
"Ummm...Isn't their other Anons that would happily take care of that for you." you say as you start to back away slowly.
"Don't be a pussy Anon."
"As much as I would love to I'm going to have to say no. I'm sure their are others more than happy to bang you." you say as you start to run
A low growl emanated from the back of her throat as a snarl spreads across her face. You watch in horror as she stomps her hoof onto the ground and a void appears under her sucking everything into it. "It wasn't a request. YOU WILL FUCK ME!" she screams as she dives into the nothingness.
You try to fight the pull but it is too much. You are lifted off your feet and thrown into the eternal darkness that closes immediately after you enter.
Decades from now ponies from across Equestria will gather in the town center in Ponyville to tell the story of what they were doing when the girliest scream was heard across the land.
Spring changed into winter, then fall, then spring again then winter again, then summer because it was forgotten then another winter happened to come again. Not because of a great amount of time passed but mostly because ponies have no sense of seasons. I mean did you see season five? Nightmare night and Hearths Warming Day right next to each other. Geez silly ponies.
So basically a week and a day passed when suddenly the hole reopens and your battered, broken, still smoking body is tossed roughly onto the ground. Until then you had no idea your dick was capable of crying.
"Thanks Anon I needed that." said a very relaxed Flutterschmooze says as she blows a kiss to you. "Don't forget tell people about me if they need a spare Fluttershy. I'm always willing to work." And with that Flutterschmooze vanishes leaving more dead grass in her wake.
You turn your broken body over as you lay on the grass panting. Their is no amount of bleach in the world to erase the horrors that happened to you. You get up and slowly limp your way home wondering why this insane shit always happens to you.
See you Space Anon.
