Earlier this summer, my best friend had disappeared. I wish I could put it any other way, but there’s really no other way I can say it. This was the summer that my best friend vanished.
I didn’t give it too much thought at first. There was no reason to; the explanation behind it all just seemed so obvious. After all, Fluttershy had spent the last few weeks of the sophomore year about as giddy as I’d ever seen her get, telling us all about it. According to her, she was going to spend part of her summer vacation with an old friend of hers that she had supposedly been keeping in touch with since they parted ways in elementary school. Simple enough. She never said when it was happening, but honestly, I never felt the need to ask her for details back then. All I really needed to know was that she was happy, and man alive, was she ever.
So when she had first stopped answering her cell phone late into June, I figured she must’ve gone on that trip she’d talked about back in school, and had decided to phase out everything else so she could enjoy her time with her old friend. Fine by me. It’s not like she was my only friend or anything like that, and if I was spending my time with an old friend who I hadn’t seen for a while, I’d probably try to keep interruptions out of the picture too. From late June through mid to late July, everything was fine. I spent my time practicing on the soccer field, going on jogs throughout Canterlot, and hanging out at Sugarcube Corner with my other friends. Every now and then, I thought about how Fluttershy was doing, and whether she was enjoying her time with her friend. I even sent her the occasional text message, asking her how she was doing and telling her that I hoped she was having a good time. Even if she never answered, I figured she would appreciate the sentiment. I know I would’ve.
Things continued like that until the 26th, when I discovered something that completely caught me off guard. See, I’d always assumed that she would’ve let me know when she was coming back from her trip. She’d done it the last few times she went on a trip, so I had gotten used to getting a call or text from her when she got home from a vacation. I guess you could call it a tradition of sorts.
So you can imagine how surprised I was during my jog that day, when I saw her sitting alone in a graveyard I happened to be passing by.
When I saw her, I froze in my tracks. I hadn’t received any calls or texts from Fluttershy about returning home ever since she’d left, so I really wasn’t expecting her to be back home without bringing it up with me, or heck, even with any of the others.
I stared for a moment to make sure that my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me. They weren’t. I’d recognize her bright pink hair, her white tank top and green skirt outfit, and her butterfly hairpiece anywhere. At the same time though, something about her face looked different. I couldn’t tell from my position, but her normally clear face seemed to have a bunch of unnatural marks on it. Despite the odd marks, it was still clear that it was her. I then double checked my phone’s map feature to make sure that I hadn’t gotten so caught up in my thoughts that I accidentally jogged all the way to another city’s cemetery without realizing it. Once again, not the case. While this graveyard was a bit out of the way, it was still within Canterlot’s borders.
At the time, I honestly didn’t know what to make out of it. She’d made it clear that she would be leaving Canterlot to go visit with her friend, so if she’s back here, then that must’ve meant that she had come home at some point and just didn’t tell us. But if that was true, then why didn’t she tell us? Why would she have come to a cemetery all alone? Why did her face look so messed up? Looking at it now, it seems all too obvious why she was there, but back then, it didn’t make any sense. Still, strange as it was, I was happy to see her, and quickly ran over to her.
“Hey Fluttershy! Welcome back!” I shouted as I ran towards her.
She didn’t respond. Heck, she didn’t even move. Even though she should’ve clearly heard me coming, she remained frozen in place, acting as if I wasn’t there. Frankly, I had no idea how to react. We’d known each other since the sixth grade, and I knew for a fact that we were always happy to hear from one another before now. Why was she ignoring me this time?
Once I got within a few feet of her, I was close enough to make out what the odd marks on her face were. Scars. Her face was covered with several large scars, with the most worrisome one being a large dark red gash above her left eye. I couldn’t help but gasp in shock.
“Fluttershy, what the heck happened to your face?” I asked. Although she continued to remain motionless, I heard her make a quiet mumbling sound under her breath. I decided to take that as a sign that she’d heard me, but just didn’t want to talk about it at the moment. I sighed to myself. While Fluttershy was far from the most assertive person ever, she was often quite stubborn when it came to staying silent, and I knew from past experience that no amount of direct prying would make Fluttershy talk if she wasn't willing. If I wanted to know more, I'd have to wait.
Once I'd finally managed to tear my gaze away from her scars, I looked into her eyes, and saw that she was staring intently at the grave in front of her. I lowered myself onto the gravelly path she was sitting on, right by her side, before reading the name on the grave she was staring at:
Silver Melodies
That name meant nothing to me. I’d never heard of anyone who was called that before. Still, I knew that Fluttershy wouldn’t spend so long staring if the name didn’t have some importance to her. So, I started trying to figure out what was so significant about this ‘Silver Melodies’. Thinking back to it now, I feel so stupid for not figuring it out faster. Still, I did eventually realize that there was one possible solution that explained everything.
Once the thought had entered my head, I could feel my heart begin to sink. For quite possibly the first time in my life, I hoped that I was wrong, that the date would contradict my theory. Slowly, I looked down at the years listed below the name. To my dismay, it listed the year of death as 2019. The current year. Just the year it needed to be for my theory to work.
I turned towards Fluttershy, and saw that she was staring blankly at me. Ordinarily, I would be happy she was finally acknowledging me, but given the circumstances, I could only ask what now seems so obvious.
“Fluttershy…? Was she…?” I began before stopping. I’m not sure why, but I couldn’t get myself to finish the sentence. Regardless, Fluttershy clearly knew how I was planning on finishing my sentence and nodded, confirming my suspicions.
Even though I suspected it to be true, and knew absolutely nothing about her friend aside from their name, I could feel my heart sink into my stomach when Fluttershy nodded. She’d been so excited about seeing this Silver Melodies again for so long, and now her friend was gone. Forever. I could only imagine how Fluttershy must’ve been feeling.
Instinctively, I grabbed Fluttershy’s hand. Ever since we had first become friends, I had been with Fluttershy through two prior deaths, the first one being one of her pet dogs, and the second one being her grandfather. After those two experiences, I knew full well how Fluttershy reacted to these sorts of things, and knew that one of the best ways to keep her reassured was by gently holding her hand as she cried it out. No matter how long it took, I would stay with her until her tears had ceased.
This time was different, however. As I held her hand, I looked up at Fluttershy, who was staring back at me. She wasn’t crying, sniffling, nothing. Ordinarily, I would take this to mean that she’d gotten over it, but that didn’t seem right either. If she had gotten over it, she would’ve shown some emotion in her face. Instead, her expression seemed completely empty, as if she was actually a million miles away, even though her body was right there. It was at that point that I noticed the bags under her eyes. They looked heavy, as if she hadn’t slept in days.
I don’t like admitting these sorts of things, but this whole situation made me shudder a little. Nothing about it felt right. Fluttershy being back home without telling anyone, the scars on her face and arms, the fact that her friend had apparently died and yet she wasn’t reacting to it in the slightest… none of it seemed to add up. My friend was right there in front of me, and yet it felt like I was meeting with a complete stranger. What the heck could've happened to make her like this?
There was only one way to find out for sure. I turned my head towards the grave, and decided to try talking to her.
“So…” I began. I could feel her staring at me as I tried to think of something to say. Given her strange behavior, I had no idea how she would react to anything I said, so I tried my hardest to be as gentle as I could with my questions, “…I’m guessing you and Silver were pretty close, huh?”
“Mmhmm…” she mumbled quietly. For a moment, I thought I heard her say something else under her breath, but I wasn’t quite sure. I decided not to press my luck about it.
“What was Silver like?” I asked. My plan was to start with basic questions, and then build up to the major questions. I felt her grip around my hand tighten a little bit after I’d asked the question.
“Well… she was one of the best singers you’ll ever hear.” She began in a quiet voice. Although her voice was devoid of emotion, those were still the first words she’d said clearly to me so far, and I felt a sense of relief hearing her voice again.
“Every note she sung was beautiful, every melody moving, every song awe-inspiring. She’d even started up her own acapella group since we’d last met…” Fluttershy said.
“Did you get to hear them?” I asked. Fluttershy paused for a moment, then nodded again, her grip around my hand growing slightly tighter.
“…Yes, I did. Silver got a few of them together and they sung a couple songs for me. They sounded wonderful…” As she spoke, I felt her grip around my hand slowly tightening, and her breathing seemed to be growing heavier. I knew what that meant. It meant that Fluttershy was about to lower her defenses, which meant that she would soon begin crying. I braced myself for the familiar crying.
I was not prepared for what happened instead.
While I was prepared for Fluttershy to grip my hand, I never would’ve guessed that she of all people would have such a strong grip. She kept squeezing my hand tighter and tighter, and within only a moment, she was gripping my hand so tightly that I was worried that she might break it. As I tried to pull my hand out of her grip, I turned towards her, and saw that her eyebrows were furrowing together. Her breathing had become faster and harder, and her originally emotionless voice had suddenly switched to a new emotion. Instead of sadness, however, her voice was filled with anger. The last thing I’d ever have expected to come out from Fluttershy.
“Rainbow… Why her? She had so much talent, she was so smart, and she had so many plans for what to do with the rest of her life! She didn’t deserve to die!” She said, practically screaming by that point.
After a moment, I finally managed to pull my hand out of her grip. As I massaged my hand with my other hand, I looked up at her in shock, unable to comprehend what I was seeing. I’d never heard Fluttershy so loud and angry sounding before, and I really had no idea how to react to it.
At least not until I heard what she said next.
“It should’ve been me! I’m the one who deserved to die!”
Of all the things to come from her during our conversation, that was definitely the last thing I was expecting. I’d known Fluttershy for years, and I knew that she was one of the kindest, most innocent people I’d ever known! Even taking that out of it, she'd never said anything like that the last two times she’d lost someone close to her, so what the heck could’ve made someone as nice as her say something like that this time?
I had no idea. All I could do was say what seemed obvious to me.
“Fluttershy, don’t be ridiculous! You’re the last person who deserves to die!” I exclaimed. I think I ended up interrupting her with my words, but after hearing her say something like that, I honestly didn’t care. She was talking nonsense, and I had to make sure she realized it.
Fluttershy spun her head towards me, her eyes filled with fiery venom. I could barely even recognize my friend anymore.
“You’re wrong, Rainbow! You don’t know a thing about this!” She shouted. I could feel frustration beginning to build up within me. I’d known Fluttershy for years. She was the kindest person I’d ever known. Even if I didn’t know her friend personally, I knew that Fluttershy couldn’t deserve to die over it.
“Fluttershy, stop it! Y...” I began, but before I could finish, she cut me off, killing the conversation in its tracks with one sentence.
“I’m the reason she’s dead right now, Rainbow!” she screamed.
Silence fell over the graveyard right after she said that, as the two of us stared at each other for what felt like forever. I was trying to get my mouth to say something, but I could only get the first letter out before the word died in my throat. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. How could someone as sweet as Fluttershy be the reason for someone’s death? It didn't even sound like something that could've been real!
After a moment, I noticed a change in Fluttershy’s eyes again. The venomous look in her eyes had vanished, only to be replaced by something new.
Fear.
Whether that fear was due to the realization of everything hitting her all at once or as a reaction to her unexpected burst of fury, I’m still not sure, but either way, she looked absolutely terrified, moreso than I’d ever seen her before. It wasn't too long before the tears I’d been anticipating began streaming down her face. They weren’t just tears of sadness and hurt, though; these appeared to be tears of terror, as if she was scared for her life with nowhere to run. After a couple moments of silence, I finally managed to speak.
“Fluttershy… what happened?” I asked her. Fluttershy’s breathing had grown faster and faster, and part of me was worried she was going to hyperventilate. Still, she managed to keep conscious as she explained herself.
“It... it happened earlier this month, during our fourth day together. She told me that she wanted to see where I had been living since I moved." Fluttershy spoke each word very slowly, as if she wasn’t quite sure of the details, and was taking extra time to make sure she got them all right.
"It was a pretty long way away, so I ended up driving her over to Canterlot in her car, since I knew the way there. Everything was going alright at first... but after a while, we began fighting.” Fluttershy paused for a moment, and briefly looked up at me, before quickly turning her head away.
“I… I don’t even remember what we were arguing about. All I remember is that it was making me really angry… Eventually, I became so frustrated that… that I stopped paying attention for just a couple seconds… That was all it took…" I noticed that Fluttershy was beginning to tremble.
"Next thing I knew, I was waking up in a hospital room in Canterlot, my head and arm wrapped in bandages with my mom and dad there. They told me what had happened to Silver…” Fluttershy paused for a moment to catch her breath, before turning her head back to me, finishing in a soft voice that I could just barely hear.
“Don’t you get it, Rainbow? I’m the one who crashed the car. I’m the one who got her killed. I’m the one who shouldn’t have made it.”
Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t move. I knew I had heard her right, but at the same time, I couldn’t believe it. Part of me wanted to shout out that Fluttershy had to be wrong, that she couldn’t have been the reason for her friend’s death, but deep down, I knew that it was the only explanation that seemed to explain everything. It explained the scars she had on her face, it explained her lack of willingness to talk to any of us about the trip, even after getting home, and it explained why her recent reactions were so unusual. I looked up at Fluttershy, who had put her head between her knees, hiding her face from me. Still, I could tell from the slight shaking her body was doing that she was likely sobbing.
I wanted so badly to say something. I just wished I could think of some magic words I could say that would make everything okay. Something that would help my best friend. Some assurance that I knew what she was going through, and that everything would be okay.
But I couldn’t think of anything like that. I’d never been in a situation like that before, and really had no idea how I would react if I were. Still, there was one thing I knew I could do. I scooched myself a little bit closer to her, and carefully put my arm around her shoulders. If nothing else, I figured that having someone with her would help her out.
For the next hour, I sat by her side, allowing her as much time as she needed. Occasionally, I heard her say something underneath her breath, although I could never make out the specifics. I didn’t bother asking her for the specifics, though. I figured that when she was ready to say them aloud, she would. Until then, though, I made sure I didn’t leave her.
About thirty minutes in, I felt her body stop shaking. I figured that meant she’d stopped sobbing, so I turned my attention away from the clouds in the sky and looked over towards her. She stayed frozen in that position for another few minutes afterwards, but she eventually removed her face from her knees and turned to face me, her eyes now puffy and red. Her breathing was still heavy, but had slowed down by a fair amount. She looked exhausted. She stared at me for a moment, before I heard her whisper something to me.
“Rainbow, I want to go home.” She said, her voice slightly quivering as she spoke.
It was a long walk back to her house. While in reality, it probably wasn’t more than twenty or so minutes away, our walk there felt like it lasted for an hour. A lot of it was probably due to how unsettlingly quiet of a walk it was. Unlike our normal walks from school, she never said anything to me, and even though I tried to start a conversation with her a couple times, she always shot it down with either silence or one word answers. Eventually, I stopped trying to talk, and instead made sure I held onto her hand tightly. After the conversation we’d had at the graveyard, I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I sure as heck knew I didn’t want to lose her.
Eventually, we reached her house. I told her to give me a call when she felt better, to which she responded with a simple nod. Before I let go, I looked down at her arm, and took note of the scars she had on it. They didn’t seem to be as bad as the ones on her face, but they were still plentiful regardless. For whatever reason, seeing those scars and thinking about the incident she’d described made me think that I should try to reassure her one more time. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t bother, since I’d always figured it went without saying, but after all the strange happenings that had already happened that day, I guess I wanted to make sure it was clear to her.
“Fluttershy. I have no idea what you’re going through, but I want you to remember one thing: Things will get better, I promise. And if you ever need any help at all, I promise that we’ll be there to help you.” I said. I knew it was probably more of the same sentiments she’d already heard before, but I just wanted to be sure she knew that.
She turned her head towards me and nodded again. As she did, I looked into her eyes… and saw that they were just as empty as they were when I’d first seen her earlier that day. My heart sunk a bit at that. I was hoping that a second reassurance would help make her a little more hopeful, but it seemed like it didn’t help anything. Still, I’d done everything I could do, and I figured that she would just need some time on her own to get over it. So, I let go of her. She walked straight into her house, without looking back.
Had I known then what I do now, I would’ve done more. Held on to her longer. Hugged her. Told her it wasn't her fault. Anything but let it end the way it did.
I didn’t expect to hear anything else from her right away. I knew that Fluttershy usually took a couple days to get over the death of a loved one, and I figured that if she needed to talk to me again, she would give me a call. It was only after a week had passed without a response from her that I started to really become worried. As different as Fluttershy and I are, one thing that we do have in common is that we call our friends a lot, so not receiving a single call or text from her after such a long time made me really worried, especially considering how she was back to texting with me within a couple of days the last time something like this happened.
Once I realized she wasn't going to say anything to me, I decided to try and see if I could see her again myself, just so I could make sure she was okay. I tried everything I could think of. I tried visiting her house a few times, but every time I did, her mother told me that she wasn’t home. I revisited the graveyard Silver was buried in whenever I went out on a jog, hoping that I'd see her again in passing, only to discover each time that she wasn't there. I’ve even asked the others if they had seen or heard from her. None of them had. In fact, most of them had just assumed the same thing I had; that she was still on her trip and just didn’t want any interruptions. They ended up asking me why I was so sure that wasn’t the case, at which point I had to tell them about mine and Fluttershy’s talk in the graveyard. I made sure to leave out the part about the car crash, though. I figured it would be better if Fluttershy told everyone about that when she was ready. Once they realized the situation, they all promised to try and help Fluttershy any way they could, but none of us have had any luck so far.
It’s only been about three weeks since we last talked, but it honestly feels like forever since I’ve last seen Fluttershy. Ever since our talk, she’s been pretty much the only thing on my mind. Her strange behavior, odd reactions, her battered appearance, the fact that she seemed so thoroughly convinced that she had killed her friend… it’s all imprinted into my mind. Ever since then, however, one particular part of the conversation has stuck out to me:
“It should’ve been me! I’m the one who deserved to die!”
Fluttershy had said that she was the one who should’ve died in their crash. Honestly though, after the last few weeks… I’m not sure she didn’t. I mean, I know she’s still alive, but… her actions are so unlike her. I haven’t seen her since that talk, and even when we were talking, more often than not it was like I was talking to a total stranger, not the Fluttershy I know. It’s like the Fluttershy I knew from before this whole mess really did die in the crash...
I know that she can’t stay hidden forever. School will be starting up again soon, and I’m sure that she’ll be there, but even so, I can’t help but wonder… will she be over it by then? Will I see the Fluttershy I know then? Will she finally let me and the others help her through this? Will she keep pushing us away like she’s doing now? I just don’t know.
Fluttershy… I know you can’t hear this, but I just want to say this: I don’t know what you’re going through. I have no idea what you’re feeling after something like this. I just want you to know: I miss you. I want to help you. Please don’t keep pushing me away…
Fluttershy... I... I just…
I just want my best friend back…
