Discord's a Talkative Asshole
“The moon hung big and shiny over the darkened skies of the Crystal Empire,” Dad monologued. “Which is pretty weird of you think about it. I mean, why does a huge rock reflect light? It's a rock. Rocks aren't shiny. Unless you're thinking about crystals, they're pretty shiny. But is the moon made of crystal? Books say no, but the only Pony to ever go there was Luna. She is the Princess of the big sky-rock, she could say whatever she wanted. If the moon really is made of crystal, that would make Luna the Princess of the big sky-crystal instead. Which just happens to be hanging over the crystal city.”
We were on a train to the Crystal Empire. A Demon had recently attacked Canterlot, so God-Horse The First had sent a summons to my father and me. And instead of telling us what she wants us to actually do like a normal person, she had to go and make the letter as cryptic as fuckin’ possible...
"Why doesn't Luna rule the Crystal Empire?" Dad suddenly asked, not turning away from the window.
"'Cause she rules the ‘big sky-rock’," I replied.
"But the Empire's made of rock, it'd be perfect for her. Instead she just rules over a big, shiny rock."
"Why are we having this conversation?" I sighed.
"Because I'm bored."
"Let me rephrase that: Why are we having a conversation with the stupidest subject ever?"
He turned away from the train window and sighed. "Fine, you pick a subject."
"Okay. How do non-Unicorns clean up after they jack off?"
Dad was silent for a few seconds.
"So going back to the moon thing," he said, turning back to the window, "why doesn't the Princess of rock rule the rock place?"
"'Cause the princess of smooth jazz claimed it first."
"Amazing."
"Thank you. I did learn from the master, after all. I even managed a double joke."
"What was the second joke?"
"I said smooth jazz."
"So?"
"She makes Ponies wanna fuck."
"So?"
"You don't see the correlation between smooth jazz and fucking?"
"No."
I sighed.
"So how are they linked?"
"I'll tell you when you're older." Right at that moment, the train pulled into the station. "Well, let's get off."
"You should probably leave the train first."
"That was terrible."
"The master remains the master."
"I guess so."
"And you were baited by him."
"Please don't let this go where I think this is gonna go..."
"You were baited by the master." Twilight walked up to us.
"Hi, guys!" She greeted happily.
"I just master-baited my daughter."
"Bye, guys!" She immediately turned around and walked away.
The Element Bearers, Dad and I were walking towards the palace in the middle of the city. Is it really a palace? It could be described as a castle as well. A better thought is; this train of thought needs a person thrown on the track to derail this STUPID PIECE OF-!
Applejack coughed up a rock.
"I am excited," agreed Twilight, "but I'm a little nervous too."
"You're nervicited!" Pinkied Pinkie. I quickly tuned her out and waited for her to finish.
Applejack coughed up two rocks.
"TWILIGHT!" Screamed Rarity, for absolutely no logical reason. "Oh, sorry, darling, but I just realised you're not wearing your crown." She grabbed Twilight's head and twisted it around. "You haven't left it back in Canterlot, have you?"
"It's in my bag," Twilight replied. "I just feel a little self-conscious about wearing it. Haven't really gotten accustomed to these yet, either." She flapped her wings before poorly attempting to fly, only to crash into the ground and swallow a mouthful of dirt.
"That's 'cause you're keeping them straight when you're pulling them up," I pointed out. "You need to fold them in a bit, otherwise you counteract the drag with an equal amount. Your down strokes seem alright in shape, but it doesn't look like you're putting any magical energy into them. Your Pegasus magic isn't activating and you're just falling from your weight."
Everyone stared at me with blank looks.
"What? I've been a Griffon and a phoenix, ya think I didn't learn anything?"
Twilight scraped the dirt out of her mouth with magic. "I'll, uh, keep it in mind..."
"Anyway," continued Rarity, "you are a princess now, Twilight. Embrace it! I'm telling you, if I had a crown like that, I would never take it off. Why, I'd even sleep in the thing!" More like sleep *with** the thing...*
"Are you sure it's safe to just have it with you?" Asked Rainbow Dash.
"What do you mean?" Twilight counter-asked.
"It's a powerful magic thing, what if somepony steals it and uses it themselves?"
"Here's probably the safest place," Dad answered. "You've got the two god-slaying aliens, the four God-Horses of Magi and the Crystal Heart. I'm sure it'll be fine."
Rainbow laughed. "Yeah, you're right! There's no way anything could happen!"
"...Princess Twilight is going to have her first princess summit." We were in the throne room and Celestia was spewing up her usual crap.
"Okay; why are the rest of us here?" Dad asked.
"I thought it would be more official to have the Elements of-"
"Why are Vesper and I here?" Celestia frowned slightly from being cut off.
"I thought, as her friends, you two would want to-"
"Seriously?” Dad groaned. “A demon just attacked Canterlot for an unknown reason! Shouldn't I be back there waiting for a counterattack?!"
"And I have a therapy session tomorrow!" I added.
Rarity snorted. "You have therapy? Whatever for? Having such a bad hairstyle?"
I glared at her. "No, because I was tortured in a basement for a few hours before my mother was murdered in front of me which led to years of sex, drugs, crime and self loathing!"
The room went silent.
"You seem better at talking about it now," Dad observed. I sighed and turned to him.
"Yeah, the therapy has helped out a lot."
"Anyway," interjected Celestia, "you should all go and get some rest. I will arrange a carriage for Vesper tomorrow so she can reach her therapy. I know more information about the Demon than you think, Cloud, so do not worry about-”
Suddenly, there was an explosion at the centre of the room. As the smoke cleared, Discord was revealed.
“Hello, readers!” He exclaimed, looking in a direction beyond what I could ever comprehend as possible. “Unless you decided to try to read this story without reading any of the original, which would be a very silly idea, welcome back to the world of The Quest For The Past!”
“Discord!” Celestia growled, infuriated by his bullshit. “What are you talking about?! Stop this at once!”
With a snap of his talons and a shiver down my spine, Discord turned all of us to stone. Somehow, I was still able to see and hear everything.
“As I was saying,” he continued, “welcome back! Now then, this first chapter has been nothing but a rehash so far and I’ve become bored, so let’s get this ball rolling right now! Though this is simply a side story, non-canon at that, this will still require some semblance of plot - specifically, a motive for what I’m going to do.”
I tried moving with every ounce of my being and I tried casting any kind of magic, both Unicorn and Arcane, but it was no use.
“Just to make sure we don’t have any naughty new readers, let’s say that my motive is revenge for what Ms. Vesper did to me back in chapter thirty six of the original story!”
“Ooh, I like that one!” Squealed Pinkie, who had somehow broken free from the spell. “That one has a Pulp Fiction reference!”
Discord nodded. “It does indeed! One last thing for you dear readers: You already know that I can only keep people in alternate universes for a couple of weeks, but be sure to remember that the time is only relevant in this universe, meaning that our little Vesper here could be trapped for quite a w-” Discord suddenly stopped, and looked offended. “Oh, titling the chapter that, are we?! I see how it is!” He huffed. “Fine! Have it your way!”
Discord turned to me, finally not looking in a direction that only an Elder God could comprehend-
Pinkie winked.
-and raised his both his paw and his talons, ready to double click.
“Overcast Vesper!” Discord exclaimed. “This is for making war with me!” He chuckled. “But of course, war never changes!”
“That was stupid and clichéd!” Pinkie booed.
He glared at her. “Look, it’s a Fallout crossover, you know it was going to be said at some point. I hate the cliché as much as you do, but now it’s been said so we can just forget about it altogether.” He looked back to me, regaining his previous composure. “Goodbye, Ms. Overcast Vesper!”
He double clicked and I felt myself torn from reality as I knew it.
