Chapter 1: Octavia Melody
The garden was abundant with life this summer morning. The wind was calm and crisp, it felt great to feel it run through one’s mane. The air was abundant with the serenades of the local birds and those who occupied the garden’s stage, as the audience listened quietly to the soft, mellow music that had entranced them into an almost comatose-like state as it began to wind down slowly.
With one final draw of her bow against the string, the final note sang out harmoniously in tune with her enchanting voice, and before she had lowered her bow and her head, she heard the coos and the awws of her audience which signaled how fantastic her performance just was.
Always was.
She’d played many performances for many, many years, and had performed at every possible venue one could think of: Canterlot? Played there three years ago. The Grand Galloping Gala? Four months ago. Las Pegasus? Two months ago. Manehatten? Last week.
And now she brought home her most notable accomplishment that no other famed musician had ever had—merely only dreamed of accomplishing—playing for the Royal Sisters in the royal garden, for them and only the most noteworthy nobles that they had invited.
Five years in a row now.
Octavia raised her head ever so slightly, just enough that from behind her bangs she could see her audience of thirty, all of them nobility of the highest chaff, but of them all, she smiled at eight notable figures: Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, both who were smiling and clapping their hooves to her music. To the right of Celestia was Twilight Sparkle and to Luna’s left, an aged Sweetie Belle and her plus one, Sassy Saddles, while sitting just one row below them in front of the Royal Sisters was Prince Blueblood the Third and his—if she remembered correctly—third marefriend of the year.
Seeing how old Sweetie Belle and Sassy both had gotten brought a tear to her eye as Octavia recalled that it seemed like just yesterday they were both ever so young and full of life, whereas now they were as old as Granny Smith
After what felt like a lifetime, the noise began to die down and the clapping all came to a dead stop. After it had, Octavia raised her head fully, stood up, and took a bow, then began to walk offstage while her assistant, a mauve unicorn wearing a black dress that gave the impression she had broad withers (or was just hefty by how high up it stood along her back) stood up from her seat behind Octavia and packed the instrument away in its case, then followed the cellist off stage.
Once she had escaped the eyes of the audience and returned to the safety and comfort of her room inside the castle, Octavia stared at her reflection in the mirror absentmindedly. She stared at herself and allowed her thoughts to be free of their chains, and as she did, the mare on the other side of the mirror began to change; she took on a new look that Octavia had seen countless times before, but when she heard the sound of the door opening, Octavia slipped into the bathroom where she started the shower. While she waited for it to warm up to her liking, she walked over to the full body mirror across the room and peered into it, seeing her reflection changing before her eyes.
Her purple eyes dulled and lightened until they seemed to be glossy; her hair, unkempt, and her smile now a frown. Upon her face, she saw features of light purple and black, with tiny spots of maroon in them prominent against her cheeks and around her eyes. While along her lower mandible, she saw bright red gashes, once stitched up but now coming undone.
Turning to her side so she could stare at her profile, Octavia saw similar bruises all along her body as well as multiple cuts and scrapes, each also stitched up and red, then once she made her way to her Cutie Mark, that was when she felt the tears in her eyes. It was no longer pristine and unscathed but rather faded. It looked like it had been ebbed out by sandpaper in an attempt to remove it completely, but managed only to cut into her flesh and tear that away instead.
Octavia slowly brought a hoof up to her face and touched her cheek, the visage in the mirror doing the same, before she wiped away the tears in her eye and looked away in shame.
“It doesn’t get easier, does it?” a soft voice spoke to Octavia.
Octavia opened her eyes and looked up to see her assistant now standing in the bathroom with her, completely unclothed, and eyeing her solemnly with amber eyes. The depressed mare could only look back at her friend and shake her head before she lowered it shamefully.
“It never does, Azure,” Octavia answered Azure Blossom.
Azure frowned then gently walked over to Octavia and pulled her against her barrel before stroking a hoof through Octavia’s mane and humming to relax her. Azure could attest to what Octavia was feeling right now, was always feeling, and all she had to do was glance over her left wither and see the grotesque disfigurement of what once used to be a whole wing, which was now just a stump of its former self, then to her right and unfurl her other wing just to see that it had been maimed at its tips; rending it useless now as well.
“And yet you asked for this despite all of my warnings,” Azure whispered back to Octavia.
Octavia silently nodded against her companion, weeping and trying her best not to cry to Azure, only to herself. She had been doing great by only letting the runaway sobs that escaped her lips burrow deep within Azure’s tuft, but that facade came crashing down the moment she felt the familiar blanket of warm feathers against her body. Octavia knew that it was Azure’s clipped wing and instantly became nothing more than a foal wanting its mother’s comfort.
Azure Blossom lowered herself down onto her haunches and pulled Octavia closer to her to let the mare cry to her heart’s content, just as she always did every moment they were alone and every night before she fell asleep. In her own age, Azure had long forgotten what sadness felt like or that tears were commonplace with such an emotion since she had become dull to the pain that her longevity provided her.
“Hush now, little filly, don’t you cry,” Azure began to whisper sweetly to Octavia. “Mommy’s here now, so don’t say goodbye…”
Octavia listened to Azure as she sang a song that she had grown to love and admire over the short span of time she spent with her. Somehow, it managed to do something that her own music, or the songs of her fellow musicians, could never do, which was calm her and soothe her aching soul. As Azure continued singing to her, Octavia felt her tears coming to a stop and her pain just vanish and before she knew it, she felt her sadness wash away too.
“Azure, do we have time?” she asked hesitantly.
Azure Blossom stopped singing to Octavia and looked down at the shaking mare, then nuzzled her before planting a kiss on the top of her head.
“Not right now, Octi. Promise me you will tell her the truth and tonight, and I will grant your wish.” Azure countered in response.
“Do I have to tell her ‘the truth’ entirely?” Octavia asked Azure when she looked up at the motherly figure she was nestled closely to.
“Yes. Trust me, Octi, it will help you get better.” Azure answered back, meeting Octavia’s gaze with her own.
Chapter 2: A Cellist's Sorrow
Azure Blossom tied Octavia’s bowtie, then looked at her in the mirror with a smile. She had helped Octavia dress after giving her a hoof in bathing herself, something she always did as a small token of goodwill, and because Octavia always had issues with doing even the basic things that everypony knows they should do, after an episode.
Now dressed to impress, Octavia could only stare blankly at both herself and Azure Blossom in the mirror of the bathroom. She wanted to smile but had forgotten how to, even when she was in one of her favorite outfits that she deemed casual for every private meeting she had with the Princesses. It wasn’t overly fancy or even black in color because she had come to accept the fact that neither Celestia nor Luna minded if she dressed in a suit or not, they always told her to ‘wear whatever makes you happy’, and a lavish blue sundress made Octavia feel comfortable and happy.
“Are you ready now, Octi?” Azure asked the mare.
“No, Azure, but then again, when am I?” Octavia replied back before taking in a deep breath and exhaling it slowly. “I don’t believe I will ever be ready to sit down with the Royal Sisters and talk to them about my hidden desires.”
“I’ve always promised you that if you talk to them about those things, you’d begin to feel better, haven’t I? You know I would never lie to you, Octi. I just want you to see for yourself, that’s all.”
“I know, Azure. And for you, for all you have done for me, I am trying the best that I can. It’s just so hard—”
Octavia was cut off by a sudden turn of her head and the feeling of a pair of velvet lips pressed lovingly against her own. Octavia’s eyes closed and she embraced the affection, even letting out a sweet moan before she felt her lips part from Azure’s own.
“I will tell them everything this time, Azure. I promise you that,” Octavia said to her.
“And in return, I promise you that you will have your session just as you wish, tonight,” Azure replied then stepped away and smiled. “Now come along. It isn’t polite to keep them waiting.”
Octavia smiled, then nodded and followed Azure to the open door. She stopped and looked back at herself in the mirror one last time and let that moment sink in before she looked back ahead of herself and stood proudly, another facade she had learned to do well in her time with Azure.
/~/~/~/~/
Azure Blossom escorted Octavia through the halls of the castle alongside two royal guards until they stopped before a massive set of golden doors and greeted the two sentries that stood watch. Not a word was uttered between the six of them, merely the doors opened loudly and the group of four walked on by into the antechamber and right down the hallway. As they neared the thrones, they took a sharp right down a side hall until they stopped at the fourth door on the left.
Azure looked at Octavia and saw the mare deep in thought. Through her upstanding, immaculate facade, Azure could tell how nervous Octavia was to enter the door she now stood in front of and just as well as how hesitant she was to open it. With a quick spark of her horn, Azure opened the door. Octavia soon felt something boot her in the plot towards it and looked behind her. Looking back, she saw Azure nodding her head and wearing that warm smile she always seemed to have on no matter the situation.
“See you soon,” Octavia said to Azure meekly before slowly entering the room.
Once she had walked inside, the door closed shut and Octavia knew she was now at the point of no return, so she closed her eyes and took in a few breaths, then let them out and calmed her nerves. She was used to these meetings with the Princesses, but still, they were never easy for her and since she had made a promise to Azure that she would speak openly with them about everything, her body wanted to shut down.
When Octavia opened her eyes and put on that stoic face she always had when she knew the eyes of the public were upon her, she found Celestia and Luna both waiting for her at a brown oval table smiling and waiting patiently for her to meet them. She felt the calm in the air as she let their presence permeate the space around her and help to clear her head of the fog that she always had. And while she built up her courage she took a look around the familiar room and smiled at how it differed from the rest of the castle—from the rest of Canterlot—too.
Unlike the fancy ivory pillars, or the gold trim that decorated the edges of the rooms and the stained glass windows that reached up towards the vaulted ceilings, this room felt cozier; roomier, even, with its natural outdoor look complete with a myriad of different flowers and potted plants, natural sunlight that shone through the windowed ceiling, and the common decor of furniture. It made Octavia feel like she was at home again, and maybe that is what the Princesses wanted her to think of so that she could better stay calm and collected. If that was the case like she had thought for a while now, it had worked.
And now that she was feeling ever so much more level, she trotted proudly towards the table until she made herself comfortable by sitting down on the overly-sized, fluffy pillow chairs bound up in a maize cloth, and smiled at the sisters across from her, the aroma of chamomile and honey tea thick around the three mares.
“Hello again, Octavia,” Celestia greeted first, her sister Luna just sitting quietly next to her.
“Hello, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna,” Octavia answered back.
“How have you been faring lately?” Luna asked her.
Tell them the truth. Octavia heard Azure say to her in her head. “When I am in public, fine. But when I am alone...not so much.” Octavia’s head dropped and her tail instinctively wrapped itself around her.
Celestia and Luna both looked to each other with frowns then turned their attention back to the sullen mare seated across the table in front of them. They were used to Octavia hiding her true emotions from them, covering them up with ‘been fine,’ ‘doing great,’ but never just blatantly admitting to them that she had not been doing so well. They knew something must be up if Octavia wasn’t trying to cocoon herself up in a blanket of false security.
“Octavia, what is on your mind?” Celestia spoke after several seconds of wordless pauses.
“Everything, Princess,” Octavia answered back.
“Have you been getting worse?” Luna chimed in curiously.
Octavia only nodded her head to Luna’s question and dared not to look either of them in the eye. This told the sisters more than Octavia would ever understand, but she did raise her head when she heard the sound of tea pouring into the cup next to her.
“Take your time, Octavia. Have a drink. When you are ready to talk, we will listen,” Celestia told Octavia.
Octavia had seen Celestia’s generous smile and knew that both of them would listen when she finally decided to speak up, but now she was nervous to say anything at all.
How would they react to what she had to say to them? Would they look at her in a different light after she revealed to them the darkest bits of her mind? Would they even want to look at her again after she fulfilled her promise to Azure?
All of these questions began to bombard Octavia relentlessly and with each hit, she felt her strength wane, but then something came over her and she took a sip of her tea. When its warmth and flavor cascaded along her palette, Octavia felt at ease again, and then she heard Azure’s loving voice remind her that talking to the Royal Sisters would help her. All she had to do was believe in Azure’s words and trust the one pony who had been by her side for years.
“I’ve been getting worse, I feel…” Octavia told them after she took a second drink, then set the cup down on the coaster. “...But then I feel as if I have finally plateaued, too.”
This raised both sisters’ curiosity now, and it showed when they perked their heads up and straightened up their posture. Octavia looked between the two, just waiting to be questioned, but when neither said a word she got the hint that they would just listen to her as she talked and when she was done talking, then they would talk back with her.
“The pain hasn’t gone away, and I have been told numerous times—by both you, Princess Celestia, and you, Princess Luna, and Azure too—that it may never go away. That it will always be there even if just a dull, annoying itch. I’ve come to accept that a bit, so I suppose when I say that I have ‘plateaued’ I mean that I have found a form of therapy to help keep me occupied.
You both know of my sessions already, so I guess all that I have left to really tell you both is the rest of the truth. Aside from my sessions with Azure, if I am not with her and I begin to feel antsy or anxious, I try to occupy myself with a number of things: inflicting pain on myself in several ways, purposely trying to get hit by oncoming traffic, or even trying to find a late night buck. The last being only if I cannot find a tool for me to use to cause physical pain to myself.” Octavia took a breath and closed her eyes, bracing herself for the storm that she felt was coming now. But no matter how hard she tried, she still knew she could never be prepared to handle any form of reproach from anypony—especially not from the Princesses themselves.
“How long since your last session?” Celestia finally spoke up, breaking the thick air with her melodic voice.
Octavia flinched at Celestia’s voice and opened her eyes. “Pardon?”
Celestia smiled when Octavia answered in the way that she did. “How long, Octavia?”
Octavia felt her stomach drop and her heart stop. This was the part of their conversation that always made her feel like she had been struck by a train, but with a loud, hard gulp that was proceeded by her body shaking, she managed to tell them both the utmost truth.
“Three days.” Octavia then looked back down at her own lap, her ears bent low against her head in shame.
“Do you always wait three days?” Luna chimed in next.
“Yes. It’s always three days, Princess Luna,” Octavia spoke up.
“Tell us again why it is always three,” Celestia asked Octavia.
“Because that was how much time I got to spend with her before she was taken from me,” Octavia answered with a hard gulp.
“Before who, Octavia?” Celestia spoke again.
“Vinyl,” Octavia brought her right hoof up to her mouth and bit into it just enough to feel the pressure against it. “We had three days of bliss together before she was yanked from my arms.”
“And is it also three for Lyra too?” Luna eyed the mare as she asked her question.
Octavia bit down harder on her hoof and closed her eyes as she prayed that she would bite just hard enough to taste blood in her mouth. “Yes...three years with her before she was whisked away from me.”
Celestia and Luna both saw the pain in Octavia's answer simply by seeing how hard she was biting down on her own hoof trying to feel some semblance of relief, and this made it harder for the sisters to want to ask her some of the questions they had discussed for this day. But because Octavia had told them already that she would relinquish everything that she had until recently kept under wraps, they both knew now was the time to ask the questions they had kept from these discussions. And Celestia would be the one to do just that.
When Octavia reopened her eyes and took her hoof out of her mouth, she looked back at both sisters, longing for some form of comfort.
"Octavia, I have one question to ask of you before my sister asks hers," Celestia spoke kindly to the distraught mare. "You've told us today that you feel alive when your body is raptured by cuts and bruises—you've told us how you need those wounds to be deep and bloody—so tell us now, how is it you never have any visible signs of this abuse when you leave your home and are out in public?"
Octavia's pupils shrunk in fear of Celestia's question, and the bated breath she held in let itself out in a meek whimper. Luna was also shocked at her sister's inquiry, as it was something she had also wondered but never brought up in any of these gatherings for Octavia's own sake.
"I—I," Octavia stuttered and went back to biting down on her hoof.
Celestia and Luna did not take their gaze off of Octavia while she tried to eat her own hoof again. Both could see the gears in her head turning and the contemplation of whether she should tell them or keep it to herself and lie.
"Octavia?" Celestia's serene voice chimed in and Octavia blinked.
She stopped biting down on her hoof and sighed shakily. She closed her eyes and pictured Azure's smiling face and heard her gentle voice calming her down. After she had stilled her trembling body and pushed aside her terror, Octavia opened up her eyes and let out a short breath.
"It's part of my affliction," she told them. "It is the Cellist's Curse. Since I accepted the deal I was proposed, my body heals faster than most others do. And depending on the session that week, Azure will use her magic to hide any bruising that has not yet healed. That, and as you both know already, my immortality keeps me alive."
After the sisters had gotten the answers they sought from Octavia, they turned to each other again and silently spoke as if through telepathy before staring back at Octavia and returned to the subject of interest: Octavia’s addiction to hurting herself.
“During these ‘sessions’ as you call them, how do you feel during and after?” Luna questioned her next.
“Alive…” Octavia told her, “...and great afterward. I promised Azure that I would tell you both the entire truth and that means I will hide nothing from you, so please don’t think of me as a monster,” she begged then lifted her head up and licked her lips as she felt her lower lip trembling, declining her will to allow her to speak.
“We would never, Octavia. You should know this by now. My sister and I have endured our own vices,” Celestia spoke to her reassuringly after seeing the hesitation on Octavia’s face, like that of a colt who had just gotten caught trying to take a cookie from the cookie jar.
Even with those words ringing inside her head like a masterpiece played by a quartet, Octavia was still very nervous to say anything. But where her mind began to shut down and force her to revert back into a silent, lonely filly, Azure’s voice pulled her through the shadows and put her back up on the pedestal.
“I’ve come to enjoy my sessions...a lot. So much so that over the recent ten years I have become an addict. The sheer feeling of pain inflicted upon me and how it reminds me that I am still very much alive excites me. And every time I feel the sharp edge of that blade drag across my face or my hooves or thighs, turns me on…
...And feeling her warmth against my own when the pain is rolling through my body, lulls me into a state of ecstasy that I only ever want more of. And when I am given that much-needed dose, I can’t help but keep asking and asking and asking some more until finally...I succumb to the stimuli and pass out into an ecstasy-induced coma for the next several hours.”
The Cellist took a moment to catch her breath, and she closed her eyes as her mind began to reminisce on her most recent session with Azure and as she did, a smile crept along her face until it seemed to be one of sheer pleasure.
“Every cut and bruise make me beg for more. Every feeling of hooves around my throat makes me gasp and yearn to be choked out. Every lashing I take against my flanks and thighs makes me scream and writhe with pleasure…” She stopped for a moment when she heard the sound of glass breaking and looked down. She had dropped her hoof down against her teacup and broke it.
In breaking her glass, she saw tiny fragments that had dug themselves into her forearm and saw that they were now stained with crimson. That focus excited her and she felt her breaths become slow labored huffs. But before she could get too far into her own erotic wants, she saw the two princesses eyeing her down. That was when it finally hit her. Octavia had not realized that she went off on a tangent much less that she had a crazed, yet euphoria-like expression plastered on her face or that she had actually begun to think she was at her abode and in her bedroom with Azure, beginning one of their play sessions. Not until she saw both Celestia and Luna staring at her. She bit her lip hard enough that she tasted blood and wrapped her hooves around herself and looked away from the two of them.
“Well then, Octavia,” was all Celestia could muster to say in response to the mare’s unchained and unadulterated truth. She then looked over to Luna.
Luna, unlike her sister who didn’t know what to think, frowned after hearing everything that Octavia had to say. She placed one hoof on the table and closed her eyes so that she could think of how to respond to Octavia.
“Do you regret meeting Azure?” she finally asked Octavia.
“No,” the trembling mare whimpered in short response as she looked back at Luna with watery eyes.
“Do you regret falling in love with her?” Luna asked next.
Octavia shook her head and sniffled, blinking twice. “No.”
“What of your fascination with these sessions. Do you regret those?” Celestia spoke up.
“Not at all,” Octavia managed to say in-between her silent sobs and trembling hooves.
Celestia looked at her sister knowingly what was going to be asked next and readied herself. For the past ten years, she and Luna have discussed how they would handle this very day and no matter how many times they spoke of it, neither of them really knew how to handle it.
“Do you regret asking for it?” Luna finally asked Octavia, leaving the question as bland and open as possible.
“No…” Octavia quickly answered back before she rested her hooves down on top of the table. She was now on the verge of tears and both sisters saw this but still, she did not care as those floodgates broke open. “...Yes! I regret it, I do. But without it, I wouldn’t be here still!” she cried out. “I wouldn’t have found Azure either!”
“Octavia—” Celestia was silenced by Luna’s hoof against her mouth.
She got the hint and nodded once, then Luna removed her hoof and they sat there and listened closely as Octavia finally had the mental breakdown they both had waited for, for a long, long time.
The sisters watched in silence as Octavia broke down and the quiet room was soon filled with her loud sobs and her endless apologies. Celestia watched stoically even if deep down she felt Octavia’s pain and wanted to join her in crying, but she stayed strong and looked to Luna and saw the Princess of the Night was fighting back her own tears.
For Luna, the Princess of the Night, she felt the musician’s pain because she had made it her solemn duty to watch over Octavia as she slept every night. And for every horror she got to see, she made sure Octavia had a week’s worth of sweet dreams afterward. Even if it meant that she would spend that week in pure agony when she slept through the day.
Without speaking to her sister and foregoing proper etiquette, Celestia stood up then climbed up onto the table and in two steps now sat to Octavia’s left. Luna followed suit next and sat to the sobbing mare’s right side. Both sisters gave each other a sad smile then as one, closed their eyes and wrapped a wing around Octavia; encasing her in a feathery comfort bubble as they laid their heads against her own.
And after one-hundred and fifty years, Octavia had finally admitted the very truth that she lied to herself about every day…
...She regretted not dying when her time had come and her clock had run out of sand because she had fallen in love with somepony who understood her…
...But what Octavia did regret—would always regret—would always be having fallen in love in the first place.
