Faster than a Laser Bullet, Louder than an Atom Bomb
“Run!” Rainbow Dash screamed as she grabbed Fluttershy, pulling her off the ground after slamming her foot into the face of one of the caribou soldiers, knocking him off of her. Fluttershy shed tears of terror as she vainly tried use what was left of her torn sun dress to cover her breasts, the material left not even being enough to cover one of them, as she stumbled along.
“GAH! IN MEDIAS RES!” Pinkie cried as she dodged another one of the magic-sapping chains the soldiers tried to lasso her with.
“Everypony, to the palace! Quickly!” Rarity called waving for the other fleeing citizens to follow her.
“I can’t believe this! I come over for some stupid dragon-pony relations meeting, and this happens!?” Ember shouted indignantly as fired another magical blast from her scepter, blasting apart some Caribou soldiers with an explosion. Nearby, Spike was using his larger form and greater strength granted to him by some of the Caribou’s corrupting magic to tear a soldier in half, doing his best to keep the corrupting thoughts from taking over his mind as he did.
“Discord, put me down! I have to help them!” Twilight ordered.
“Look, just trust me, ok!? We’ll help them all, but you need to work with me here!” he cried as he carried her over his shoulder to Crystal Palace.
A few of the soldiers managed to wrap some chains around Spike, restraining his right arm and looping around his neck, the magic draining effects managing to weaken him as he began to collapse to the ground.
“Spike!” Ember cried as she rushed over to him, only to have the wind knocked out of her as he smacked her away with his tail.
“R-Run…” he groaned out as he fell to the ground, motionless.
“NO, SPIKE!” she shrieked as she got up and started to rush towards him.
“Spike…” he muttered, as the caribou released him from their chains. “Spike…” he said again as he began to rise. Ember smiled in relief, only for her expression to turn to fear as she saw him grow bigger, his eyes focused on her with a primal lust and his member fully erect.
“N-No…” she muttered, frozen in fear and disbelief.
“SPIKE WANT!” he roared as he lunged at her, too full of shock and fear to move. Then suddenly, she felt something wrap around her waist before a bright flash overwhelmed her senses.
“Snap out of it and run!” Starlight Glimmer chastised, grabbing the young Dragon Lord by the arm and pulling her inside the palace.
“Hold the door!” Applejack cried, carrying Scootaloo under one arm and Sweetie Belle under the other. Right behind her was Big Mac, cradling Apple Bloom in his arms. Applejack got inside and set the fillies down.
“Applejack!” Big Mac called. She turned around, only to be surprised by Apple Bloom being tossed into her arms. Her brother grabbed both doors of the palace gates. “Sorry,” he muttered before using his strength to swing them both closed.
“Big Mac, no!” she cried as she rushed forwards and tried to hold them open. “Don’t do this! You can still-!” she pleaded, onto to be cut off as the stallion kicked her in the stomach, causing her to stumble back out of breath.
Her brother continued to push the gates closed, and was almost done when a chain wrapped around his neck. He gagged for a few moments, struggling against it, before going almost completely limp. “... ‘Taint fair,” he muttered.
“Big Mac?” Applejack asked, concerned.
The chain then slid off of him and he raised his head, a deranged and lascivious smile on his face. “‘’Taint fair yer keepin’ that pussy to yerself,” he said as he grabbed the gates hard enough to crack them. “FAMILY’S SUPPOSED TA SHARE!” he bellowed as he began to pull the gates open, only for a blast of violet magic to send him flying. Twilight then used her magic to slam the gates shut before summoning a draw bar to lock it closed. Almost immediately after came the banging of several caribou soldiers and corrupted stallions banging against the gates to try and smash them open.
“Big Mac… no…” Applejack muttered, crying as she held her sobbing sister in her arms. Rarity and Sweetie Belle were both sobbing openly as they hugged each other.
“Scoots, are you ok?” Rainbow Dash asked the obviously traumatized filly, who tightly hugged her back.
“No…” she whispered as she gripped her idol for dear life.
“...Me neither,” she replied, hugging her back.
“Spike… Damn it,” Ember muttered, gritting her teeth and trying desperately to not show she was crying.
Twilight struggled to get her wits about her. The invasion of the Caribou had started with the conquering of the Crystal Empire, but they had only received news about that three days ago. They never thought the caribou could move so quickly, sweeping over the land. They thought they’d have time to muster up a counter-attack, maybe even gather allies like the dragons, which was why Ember was here. Even worse, she clearly saw Canterlot being sacked in the distance and though she didn’t want to lose hope, she had to prepare for the very real possibility that they could in fact defeat and enslave Celestia and Luna. Twilight was broken out of her thoughts as she heard a groan of pain, turning to see Discord falling over and clutching his head, much to her horror.
“No… please no,” he groaned, trying desperately to fight off the corruption that was no doubt seeping into his mind after he had a sizable portion of his magic stolen from him before Twilight rescued him. He looked up and glared at Twilight. “Hit… me,” he managed to say.
“Wh-What?” she asked, both scared and confused.
“Hit me!” he ordered. A second later Rainbow Dash gave him a hard punch across the face, sending him to the floor. “Not that hard you idiot, you almost knocked me out!”
“What do you expect!? There’s no way I’m gonna let you go running around trying to rape anypony!” the pegasus shot back.
“Ugh, whatever,” he sighed, extending his paw and trying to summon up his magic. He strained as a few sparks lit before finally a crystal dagger appeared in his grasp. “Good, still got enough magic for that,” he muttered. “Everypony, out of my way!” he ordered as he made his way to the center of the room, everypony parting a way for him, before he got to his knees and began to carve something into the floor.
“What are you doing!?” Rarity cried, aghast at him defacing the brilliant crystal structure.
“Calling for help,” he answered without stopping to work.
“‘Help’!? If you knew somepony that could help, why didn’t you call them sooner!?” Rainbow Dash demanded.
“One, I couldn’t. Two, I… really didn’t want to.”
“W-Why?” Fluttershy stuttered.
“Let’s just say he and I aren’t on good terms.” After a few minutes he had finished. On the floor was a carved runic symbol, a pentagram inside a circle and with the symbols of an unknown language carved into the edges of it. In the center was an insignia that looked something like a candelabra. Just then a crack rang out in the hall, everypony turning in horror to see that the draw bar had cracked from the force of those trying to get it.
Starlight Glimmer used her magic to brace the door shut, but even she could only hold it back for so long. “Everypony, we need time!” she cried. All the unicorns added the their magic to the spell, while the earth ponies and pegasi used their bodies to brace the door.
“Twilight, I need you here,” Discord said, stopping her before she joined to help.
“Wh-What? Um, ok, what do you need?” she asked.
“Your blood.”
“What!?”
“Just come here, it’s not like I need to kill you! I need the blood of a holy being, and I’m hoping that as an alicorn you’ll make the cut,” he explained. Twilight gulped nervously for a moment before walking over, and then without any warning Discord grabbed her hand and stabbed it with the dagger. She cried in shock and pain as he held her bleeding hand over the rune.
“J-Just what e-exactly d-did you do to anger this pony?” she asked, trying to distract herself from the pain.
“A long, long time ago, before Equestria was even a thought, this world had many more immortals on it. One of them was a savior who brought back the inhabitants of the world from extinction... and I pissed him off really, really bad. So bad that I basically kept my head down for a few centuries just to make sure he was gone. When I came back, I erased any of the knowledge of how to call him back… but I also made sure to remember it myself in case… well, in case him coming back was somehow not the worst case scenario for me.”
Twilight’s blood had finally filled every nook and cranny of the rune he withdrew the blade from her hand, causing her to wince in pain before she used her magic to begin repairing it. Discord clasped the dagger in both hands… er, in talon and paw, and closed his eyes. Then he began to chant.
“I send for thee, O great one! For the glory of the Metal, I send for thee! In the name of thy Apostle Halford, I beseech thee! With this sacrifice of the mostly holy of bloods, I beg thee! REND ASUNDER EVIL, AND BRING UNHOLY PAIN AND SUFFERING UPON THOSE THAT BLIGHT THE LAND! CRUSH THE WICKED BETWEEN THE HAMMER AND ANVIL OF THY FURY AND HATRED, YE WHO PATROL HELL!” He then raised the dagger up, prepared to stab the rune. “COME FORTH, PAINKILLER!” he shouted as he thrust the dagger into the center of the rune. As soon as he did he leaped for the edge of the room. “COVER YOUR EARS AND CLOSE YOUR EYES!” he warned before following his own advice.
Twilight barely had time to do as she was told before a massive explosion knocked her into the wall. As she struggled to regain her senses she saw everypony sprawled out on the ground. The rune was gone, as was the ceiling. Much to her horror, the gate had also been blown open, though thankfully the caribou and corrupted stallions were in the same daze as everypony else. Twilight got up, summoning her magic and preparing to fight them off.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? I DIDN’T SAY STOP!” Discord chastised.
Before Twilight could comprehend what could happened she was forced to the floor. She managed to move her hands to her ears, unable to hear her own screams of pain over the sound of the explosion from above. It was so bright that even closing her eyes as tightly as she could it felt like she was staring into the sun.
After several seconds of this the light and sound finally subsided, and taking several more for her senses to recover, she looked up and saw there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. She thought for a moment she saw a speck of something high up, but before she could get a good look the skies began to darken. Storm clouds formed out of nowhere and thunder rumbled, lightning crackling inside. Strangely the storm clouds seemed to be bubbling, as if they were boiling, and soon lighting struck the ground. The bolt seemed to hang there for a moment before dispersing. Another bolt struck the ground and she realized, much to her shock, that the lightning bolt was actually made of metal, staying for a few moment before rusting to nothing. As she was still processing this a streak of fire slammed into the ground outside, faster even than the lightning bolts. An inferno raged on the ground for a few seconds before dissipating, revealing a figure.
The being stood at a massive height of ten feet, and was a gloriously shiny chrome. At first the mares thought it was wearing armor due to its appearance, but a closer examination showed that it was a being of pure metal. Its muscles, especially its abdominals, were chiseled and defined, and yet its more lean body structure seemed to show it was more built for speed than strength. Its head resembled a cross between a heavy knight’s helm and a biker’s helmet, with only two narrow slits where its eyes would’ve been, several smaller vertical slits near the bottom where its nose would’ve been, and its mouth was still visible and curled into a frightening scowl. Its legs looked more robotic than organic, and no flesh was visible in the holes where mechanical joints showed. The soles of its “boots” were spiked to such a degree that they looked like a stomp would pierce the sturdiest of armor. From its back spread a pair of wings, with blades looking like feathers, and despite their metallic appearance they seemed just as pliable as real feathers. Steam constantly emanated from its body, as if it had just been cooled after being forged, and yet it didn’t show any signs of stopping. Finally, on both of its shoulders was the same strange insignia that Discord had carved before.
Even stranger was the… thing it rode in on. The bottom was a frame of metal, also chrome except for an equally shiny red fuel tank, and exhaust ports that shot out white-hot flames whenever the being revved it. The top however resembled a vicious dragon, with lime green scales around the face and darkening to a blue green for the body, which actually resembled more of a rattlesnake and even had a chrome rattle at the end. Its maw was open wide, possessing large fangs, and two rhinoceros-like horns on the end of its snout. A dark green mane flowed in a non-existent wind a foot or two from the back of tis head, and two chrome handlebars with black grips came out as horns. Two wide, orange eyes with reptilian slits bored hatefully at whatever it saw, and in place of wheels it had two enormous buzzsaw blades. To top it all off, it seemed the intimidating looking vehicle was actually alive if the occasional flicks and rattles of its tail along with the fact that its eyes actually turned to focus on different things was to go by.
Everyone, even the caribou, were to shocked to do anything, so no one stopped Discord as he stepped out of the palace and stopped in front of it.
“Discord. Of all the creatures that would call for me, you were the last one I expected to do so,” it said in a voice that none of them could describe. It somehow seemed to be both a deep growl and a high pitched screech of metal on metal, a tone that was somehow both loud and booming and yet somehow also subtle and terrifying, but one thing for sure was that it was definitely male. “Didn’t I warn you before about what would happen if I ever saw you again?”
“No. I didn’t forget. I believe it was ‘I’ll make you wish for death before I give it to you’,” he replied, shaking in terror as he tried not to avert his gaze. “Fine. I don’t care. Just so long as you kill all these bastards, too.”
“No!” somepony cried out in horror. Fluttershy got up ran towards, them stopping between the two with her arms spread, a terrified look on her face. “Please no. Please,” she begged.
The being stared at her for moment, no one making a move.
“Well, I’ll be damned,” he said. “Looks like it’s your lucky day.” He then turned to face the caribou soldiers and mages. “And it looks like it’s your last day.”
“You dare!? Learn your place!” one of the caribou soldiers shouted before lassoing his magic chain around the being’s neck.
“... Really?” he asked with an uninterested tone before grabbing the chain. A moment later the soldier exploded into bits, as if he was shot point blank with a cannon. Several ponies screamed in shock. The being then revved his vehicle, and the next moment the front buzzsaw wheel was sawing one of the caribou mages in half down the middle. A second later, another soldier suffered that same fate. The caribou were being slaughtered left and right faster than any of them could even process what was happening to them, the only indication of what was happening being brief flashes of the vehicle forcing its way through each victim and the lines of fire on the ground showing where it had been.
One of the mages dove from where he was standing, only for his foot to be sawn off. He screamed in pain as he fell to the ground, dropping his staff. He turned to find the stallions and the dragon were clutching their heads and falling to the ground, the spell he and his fellow mages cast wearing off as they died. In desperation he reached for his staff, only for a spike metal boot to smash it.
“Wh-What!?” he stuttered, looking up to see the metal being. He turned back to see that every one of his comrades had been slaughtered. “H-How!? So quickly!?” Before he could react the metal being wrapped one of their own magic chains around the mage’s torso, leaving his arms free, before the tail of the creature he rode coiled around it. The being mounted creature and revved it up. “No…” muttered. In terror he got to his knees and limped away as fast as he could. “No no no no no no no no-!” he begged before the being sped off, taking the mage with him. The force pulling him was so great and so sudden that one of his arms came flying off his body. Everypony watched him dragged away, screaming in pain and terror, before they were both out of sight in seconds, the flaming trail headed towards Canterlot.
“Discord… who was that?” Twilight asked, overcome by a mixture of awe and terror.
“The Chromium Savior, he who rides the Metal Monster. The Painkiller,” he answered grimly.
Celestia panted heavily as she parried another of King Dainn’s blows, her great sword clashing against his axe. She groaned as the soldier who had managed to wrap his chain around her waist yanked on it again, fighting to keep her balance as she pulled against it. Another one tried to lasso her from behind just as he had done before but she dodged to the side, pulling against the chain already on her and making the soldier holding it stumble a few steps before managing to regain his balance.
A muffled scream of agony and rage briefly caught her attention. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Luna, having already been subdued, her arms held out to the sides by two magic chains as two of the caribou soldier raped her both from the front and behind, all of her armor except her gauntlets and greaves torn off. A muzzle muffled her screams, the soldiers gagging her with it after she bit the cock of one of the fiends who stuck it down her throat. Despite her humiliation and pain her eyes still were defiant, and the expression conveyed to her sister was clear: “Don’t you dare give up.”
“Jealous?” Dainn asked, catching Celestia’s attention. “Don’t worry. I’ll give you plenty of attention as I claim what’s mine. How about I take you right over your balcony for all those worthless mares to see?”
“You underestimate the strength of Equestria. We will not submit so easily,” she spat back.
“KNOW YOUR PLACE, BITCH!” he roared as he lunged forwards and swung his axe again, Celestia barely managing to raise her own weapon in time, both blades grinding against each other as they locked. “YOU FEMALES EXIST TO SERVE MALES! IT’S THE REASON YOU EXIST! ONCE I BREAK YOU, I’LL SHOW THE WHOLE WORLD WHERE SLUTS LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE: LYING AT OUR FEET AND BEGGING FOR OUR DICKS!”
Celestia roared in defiance and shoved him away before kicking him in the stomach, causing him to stumble back, off balance and out of breath. Deciding to seize this chance she raised her great sword high and charged, ready to cleave him in half. Unfortunately, she had forgotten about the chain around her waist and with a tug she was pulled off balance, her attack missing as her blade struck the floor. Immediately after, the other soldier who had been trying to restrain her this whole time had managed to lasso her arms with his chain, the effects causing her to lose her strength and drop her sword. She reached to reclaim it, only for the chains to pull her arms away, and she struggled to keep standing with both soldiers pulling at her.
Dainn kick the sword across the room. “Females don’t need to be pretending to be males,” he said before undoing his fly and revealing his erect member. “This is the only sword you need to know how to play with,” he joked as he stepped forwards. Celestia waited for him to get in range before swiftly kicking him right between legs. Dainn stumbled back in pain, whimpering for a moment, before his face contorted into an enraged expression and he lunged at her, dropping his axe as he seized her neck in both hands and lifted her off the ground. Celestia struggled for air as he squeezed tighter. “Just you wait, you cunt. When you wake up I’ll fuck that blaspheming little throat of yours so hard you’ll never speak again,” he seethed as Celestia’s eyes began to roll back into her head.
At that moment, one of the caribou soldiers burst into the throne room. “Your majesty!” he cried in terror.
“Hm?” Dainn asked, his attention diverted away from his prize, and momentarily loosening his grip. Celestia took advantage of this and slammed her knee into his chin, causing him to drop her. Celestia gasped for while trying to fight the chains keeping her from standing back up. “FUCKING SLUT!” Dainn rage and kicked her in the face, the force knocking off her helmet and causing her muzzle to bleed. His gaze then turned to the soldier that had interrupted him. “WHAT IS IT!? HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT ME IN MY MOMENT OF TRIUMPH!?”
“Your majesty, this is an emergency! Something is attack us!” the soldier pleaded.
“THEN DEAL WITH IT!”
“You don’t understand! Within just a few seconds it already killed more than a hundred of our forces! At this rate, it’ll have killed everyone outside and be coming inside the palace in seconds!”
As soon as he finished something rammed into him, lodging itself in his body from his nethers up to his stomach. He had just enough time to cough blood before before it spun and moved upwards, violently cutting him in half before the two sides fell away, revealing the Painkiller and his ride behind him.
“Correction: It’ll be seconds before he’s already dealt with everyone in the palace,” he said as he stepped off the Metal Monster. Chained to the back of the vehicle was a bloodied and burnt torso.
Everyone just stared in shock, especially Celestia and Luna. They had never met this being, but they knew exactly who he was. They knew the stories from when they still fillies, and had always believed him to be real, and now he stood before him. With strength they didn’t know they still had they pulled away from their captors and threw themselves at his feet, not even removing their bindings before they bowed, their heads touching the floor.
All the Caribou were shocked, but none more than King Dainn himself. These stupid females had defied him and his forces tooth and nail no matter how hopeless their situation was, and now here they were submitting to this being with barely any hesitation? He grit his teeth in rage. They should be bowing to him like this, not some shiny walking action figure!
“Who in Tartarus are you supposed to be!?” he demanded.
“Looks like you’ve been through quite a bit. You alright?” he asked the Princesses, ignoring the warlord.
“Nothing we cannot bear, Great One,” Celestia assured him, Luna silently nodding in agreement, neither raising their heads.
Dainn grabbed his axe off the floor. “DON’T YOU IGNORE ME!”
The Painkiller faced him and quickly looked him over. He then raised his hand and without a word fired a lightning bolt. Dainn screamed in pain falling to the ground a clutching his crotch. “Didn’t your mother ever teach you its rude to point?”
Dainn moved his hands and his eyes widened in horror as he saw his jewels and sword were gone, nothing but a red hot cauterized hole in their place. He turned face the Painkiller, shooting daggers. “KILL HIM!” he roared. The soldiers all rushed him, the Painkiller responding by flapping his wings. The force of wind was so great that they all slammed into the walls hard enough that they simply exploded into paste on contact. Dainn watched in horror as the being walked towards him. “Wh-Who are you!? TELL ME!” he squealed.
The Painkiller grabbed him by the face and lifted him into the air. “An ant does not make demands of a god,” he said simply before literally melting the King’s face off, the warlord screeching in pain all the while before falling limp, only a blackened skull remaining off his head. The Painkiller dropped the body before stepping on and crushing the skull.
Celestia and Luna were both stunned, but only now began to rise from the floor.
“Th-Thank you,” Celestia said quietly.
“Just doing what I was called here to do,” he said simply before walking back and mounting the Metal Monster. “You two take a break. I’ll finish the rest.” He then drove the vehicle out through the throne room wall, burning through it as he did, and flying through the air on his ride. A moment later a flaming sonic boom came, but rather than dissipate it seemed to spread all out in all directions. The Princesses felt a wave of intense heat pass them, and yet they were both undamaged.
The two of them continued to stare for a few more moments, completely awestruck, before coming to their senses. Celestia untangled the chains from her body as Luna removed her gag.
“He’s even more amazing than we’d heard,” Luna muttered.
Celestia could only nod back dumbly.
The Painkiller and the Metal Monster quickly raced around the entire planet, the flaming sonic boom following them as they did and spreading to encompass the globe. The many Equestria towns and cities would report that the blast undid any caribou spell and killed the invaders in many different ways, each seemingly unique by location. In Manehattan they were all lit on fire, screaming in pain and panic before succumbing to the flames and turning to ash. In the Crystal Empire their flesh melted as they cried in agony, and within minutes they were nothing but fleshy puddles. In Dodge Junction their blood boiled before they simply exploded. Numerous horrific, and yet satisfying punishments inflicted upon them wherever they were. The ponies would later find that only the caribou females, who had also been enslaved, and the few males who had resisted King Dainn’s rule and were imprisoned survived.
It had been less than an hour since the Painkiller had left Ponyville before he returned in another streak of fire, stopping right in front of Discord, who backed away in fear. “Done and done.”
“Thank you,” Discord replied.
“Still, I am genuinely surprised you called me. You know there were others you could’ve called. Hell, me and the guys were waiting for someone to call one of us down.”
“... What?” Discord asked, realization slowly coming expressing itself on his face.
“Yeah. I know for a fact Eddie is pretty butthurt about not-”
“YOU MEAN YOU KNEW THIS WAS HAPPENING, AND YOU JUST SAT BACK AND WAITED!?” Discord shouted.
For a moment, everything was quiet.
“Did you just interrupt me?” the Painkiller asked threateningly.
Discord realized what he had just done and immediately dropped to the ground. “I’MSORRYIDIDN’TMEANITPLEASEDON’TKILLME!”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
Just then Fluttershy ran up to the darconequus and hugged him protectively, giving the Painkiller a scared yet determined look.
“Un-fucking-believable. You trying to turn over a new leaf.” He revved the Metal Monster a few times. “Keep it up, and in another thousand years you might actually get off my shit list.” The Painkiller then shot into the sky, the clouds instantly parting for miles before he disappeared in another blinding explosion.
Everypony just stared at where the being had left, unsure of what to say or do, until Pinkie Pie raised her arms and dropped to her knees yelling “ALL HAIL THE VIOLENT SAVIOR!”
Author's Note
So, in case you're wondering, I came up with the idea when I was looking up songs to name chapters in my Doom fiction after when eventually I remembered the Painkiller Album, and then the song. Considering the song if basically about a character, and that character is rather clearly defined on the cover, I had the idea of something just completely and overly metal saving the ponies and he seemed like the perfect candidate.
At first I thought it was just silly, but considering there's stuff like John Cena fighting Queen Chrysalis I figured "fuck it, why not?" As for why this is an Anti-Fall of Equestrian fic, it's mostly because out of all the large groups of villains in the both the show and the fandom they seemed like the most acceptable targets.
Anyway, I know this is pretty short and I'm really not used to this quick one-shots with little to no world-building, but I hope I do all the metal-heads in the audience proud and that everyone who likes this kind of thing enjoys it.
