Lost and Listless

I leaned against Nurse Redheart as we walked to the shower, my legs wobbling but, for the first time since I arrived, remaining upright.  I did not often leave my bed. It embarrassed me to no end that along with everything else, something as basic as walking had been lost from my memory.  We’d practiced several times the first day this was discovered, not long after the tubes had been removed and I’d been trusted to eat and drink on my own.

She’d shown me where the bathroom was, and I’d just collapsed in a heap. For some reason, four legs had felt like too many. After checking to make sure I was alright, the nurse had been kind to help me up and show me with the patience of a mother, how the leg motions were done.

I’d still needed help with balance, so I was given a bell in case I ever needed an escort. But after that discovery, I tried to hold it as much as possible.  So it was only maybe twice a day usually that I needed somepony to walk me.

We were still cordial; her with her kind little nothings, me with my smiles and nods.  But that evening we were bathed in an atmosphere of silence as she helped me reach the toilet, and then from there to the tub. It was clear I was not a normal patient at this point, and it started to alienate her.

She must have had the hopes that I’d rejoin my family soon, that I could settle down and put this behind me. Sometimes she’d talk at me, wondering cheerfully how my mother had washed my mane, what shampoos I was used to. I had striking looks for a mare; a muzzle that was almost boyish, she told me one day. My family must have been special.

We settled into a routine that went on for two weeks at that point, since I’d woken up. I sat on the cold tile and looked in the mirror while Nurse Redheart ran my bath, careful to have the water hot but not scalding. She’d lead me carefully in, holding my hooves  while I balanced against her soft body. Before I settled in, I raised my hooves so that she could take off the sweater, and put it in a bin for cleaning. There was always another sweater waiting when I was done. Donated, I think.

I sighed softly to myself, ears drooping in pleasure as I settled into the steaming water. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see her sadness while I took a rag and the soap, and started to wash my face and neck. Sometimes she would use a file to help me with my horn. I think it troubled her that I had one, and didn’t use it. Today though, I felt her kneading soap into my hair and back, something heavy and minty that immediately made me feel refreshed as I inhaled it.

“I thought you’d like this,” Redheart laughed softly. I must have been smiling. Unwiling to open my eyes, I swivel one ear to face her.  She had my attention. I heard a little hum of delight - but she said nothing more.

In the tub, I waited patiently for those hooves in my mane to complete their mission. I had done something wrong, I knew - the silence was a deafening reminder that I had overstayed my welcome, that I, the pony, was inches from bringing an oblivion of sadness into the Ponyville General Hospital if I didn’t show some sign of recovery.

I considered the facts I had found out about myself. I had boyish-looks, and I was a unicorn. My fur, mane, and tail were growing in, and I saw that it was a cream color, with white markings on my nose and hooves. My mane, while bristly, appeared to be either cerulean or teal, I couldn’t tell. My eyes were blue. I was scrawny, but no longer underweight. Just small, and packed with wiry muscle. I was also a mare, which was something to keep in mind as well, if I was going to give myself a name.  I wondered how old I was. I wasn’t a foal, that was for sure. Or a filly. But mare covered a wide range of ages…

My thoughts trailed to the names on the cards. While they had stopped a while ago, I’d saved all of them in a tote bag the doctor had given me. There were a few letters as well.  One was from a Pinkie Pie, another was from a Twilight Sparkle. But I had a drawing from a filly named Dinky I liked. There was also cards from Roseluck, Lily, the Cake-family, Holly Go-Lightly, Brights Brightly, Minty, and so many others I’d yet to memorize and had actually stopped looking at, because thinking about the ponies I had affected, who knew I was here and were probably all just as disappointed in me - I had developed an aversion to thinking about all that, the ripples in the stream.

But there was Nurse Redheart, with a pink mane and a red heart imposed over a medical cross. There was Doctor Lifeline, who had a green heart-monitor for a cutie-mark. I didn’t have a cutiemark myself, but there was apparently a trend for names to suit identities. Maybe it was on purpose, maybe it wasn’t.

I thought about my colors, and if they were themselves a hint at my true self. Greens made me think of life and energy, vibrance. Creams were mellow and earthy. Maybe I was named after a plant, then?

Abruptly, a splash of water sent me off tangent. I sputtered and opened my eyes, only to have my face smothered with a towel, and then my mane. Somewhere, a drain was pulled, and the water was sent away. I blinked at the nurse, who had taken another towel, and with a small smile, began rubbing my back.

“There, there,” She told me soothingly. “I’m sorry for surprising you, you must have been thinking hard about something, but we’re done now.” A thought occurred to her, and her ears perked. “Did you remember something, Jane?”

I worked my tongue over my mouth, and around my teeth. This was it. I’d had something, didn’t I?” My heart raced. I opened my lips.

“Name,” I whispered. Plant, plant, plant, plant! “Harvest.”

Redheart stared at me. This might have been the first time I’d spoken.  She smiled. “Oh, did you want to send Golden Harvest a letter?”

Drat! That’s where that name had come from. I gave a quiet nod. Might as well.

Redheart seemed more cheerful than before, hugging me after she had pulled me out of the tub. “Now, don’t be shy,” She said. “This is progress. We all take babysteps to get to where we have to be.”

My chest lightened in relief at her pleasure. I let her dry me off, and show me a trick to drying off my rear.

“I would be happy to get you a pen and paper,” Redheart continued. “But, tomorrow you’re going to be allowed visitors, and there are several ponies who want to talk to you.”

I stiffened at that. Should I do something? My expression might have been enough for her to respond, giving me a gentle nudge with her hoof.  “Don’t worry,” She said. “You don’t have to present yourself in any way other than as you are. Just be honest with them as you’ve been with us. They’re just ponies who want your best interests at heart.”

I wondered what those interests were, since they didn’t know me, but then Redheart said something else. “I heard they’re going to be using telepathy spells, so you don’t have to stress over being misunderstood. You won’t have to talk if you don’t want to.”

I found myself grinning, and the nurse was happy to return the gesture as she led me to bed, and handed me another sweater. This one was grey, and had a cat’s face stitched on the front. I liked it immediately.

Dusk glimmered through the windows, casting the room into gentle shadows, as the final splashes of daylight faded in orange and pinks on the horizon.I sighed as I crawled into bed, once again ignoring Redheart’s suggestion to mingle with other patients. I think she knew why I didn’t want to see anypony, and it wasn’t much of an issue. While we were in the bathroom, somepony must have come in and changed the sheets. They smelled like detergent.

The nurse waved and smiled, before turning out the light. I enjoyed going to bed early, if only so that I had time to think whenever I woke up in the middle of the night. I took practiced, deep breaths as I wiggled into the sheets and got comfortable.

I hoped there would be answers. In the absence of anypony around, the sense of loss bloomed within me, leaving me to think and consider my life so far. Sometimes this was effective, but more often than not it was tiring, and aided in my sleep.