Waking up from the morning sun, you yawn and give an almighty stretch. Getting up from the bed and silently cursing Celestia's sun, you head to the bathroom to do your usual morning routine.

You are Anon and you are the only human in this land of ponies known as Equestria. Its been a few months since you were vanished into a flash of light while browsing some tropes on your favorite website. At first, everypony was wary and scared of you, but calmed down after you proved you were harmless (Mostly. Still keep your meat diet a secret).

Having used the toilet, you flush and begin to talk a shower. After cleaning yourself, you hop out and begin with a shave that you desperately need as the stubble has started growing out.

You emerge from the bathroom a few minutes later, cleaned and face smooth of any fuzz. You do a moonwalk to the kitchen for the lulz and spin in front of the refrigerator before stopping and giving a yell.

“Oh!”

Opening it up, you grab some eggs and your trusty frying pan. Ignoring how it works (by magic most likely), you turn the burners on the stove on and crack the eggs open into the pan.

What you would give for a link of sausage and some strips of bacon. Alas, that's an impossible dream as the ponies here in Ponyville won't like the idea of something consuming meat most likely, so you have kept it on the down low.

Snapping out that thought, you lay the easy-over eggs onto a plate and pull some potatoes out. Slicing them into pieces, you drop them into the pan and stir them around. A few minutes later the potatoes are done and you smile.

Using your ever-trusty spatula, you pile the nicely roasted potatoes onto the plate and sit down at the table. Seeing something amiss, you chuckle and grab a glass from your cabinet and open the refrigerator up.

Pouring some good ol' apple juice, you set it down beside your plate and grab a fork as well as the salt shaker. Nothing quiet like salted-fried sliced potatoes!

Sitting down after checking the stove is off, you raise the fork and prepare to chow down.

*Knock knock knock*

Setting the utensils down, you get up and open the door up with a look of annoyance at being interrupted from breakfast.

Standing there is none other than book horse, who sports a large smile. “Good morning, Anonymous.” She says with a cheerful smile which has you wince.

“Hey, Purple Smart. The names Anon.” You correct her and chuckle seeing her ears fold back for a second.

“Right. I came by to ask you if you could help me out with studying? Specifically about your race.” She asks with a grin.

Blinking and making a show of scratching your chin, you shrug. “Sure, why not? Ain't doing anything else anyway (At least anything important anyway).”

She happily clops her front hooves together. “Great! Meet me at my place in three hours. Bye for now, Anon!” She replies with a wave and trots away.

“Yeah, see you later, Autismo.” You halfheartedly wave back and return back to your breakfast.

You finish it off and wished it was warmer, but can't get what you always want. Seeing that you have time to kill, you begin to clean the dishes up and clean around the house, picking up any clothes you have lying around, dusting all your shelves and tables off and using chemical-free cleaning sprays (Which you don't want to know how they know about chemicals, yet their science level is almost nil) to spray everything down.

With a smile and wiping your head clean, you nod and admire your work. The place is now spic-and-spam cleaned. So much so in fact that you even see sparkles pop up sometime like it was a freaking cartoon, complete with proverbial little ping noises! You would question that, but you don't want another headache forming. Just another day in Equestria you suppose.

Checking the time, you decide to head to Twilight's place thirty minutes early. You arrive at her treebary and walk inside after opening the door, not bothering to knock and instantly rear back.

“Twilight!! What the fuck, man?!” You shout in disgust seeing her lay on her couch with a picture of you in her hoof, the other rubbing against her winking clit.

“A-Anon!! Get out!” She shrieks and tries to use magic against you. Its harmlessly absorbed into your skin and you instead back up and quickly shut the door.

“… Okay, should I even try to think about why the princess of Autism was rubbing herself to a picture of me?” You question yourself. Finding no answer, you opt to slug yourself in the gut to try and forget what you saw as the face would have hurt bad.

“This will be Nightmare Fuel for sure. Wonder if they have brain bleach here?” Leaning against the side of her treehouse (What a puntastic name), you wait for her to finish and just manage to suppress the urge to shiver and vomit in disgust.

She emerges a few seconds later and you take note of her slightly messed up mane. The smell reaches your nostrils next and its carrying a hint of musk, making you frown ever so slightly.

“Nice job, really nailed the mane, Purple Smart.” You mutter sarcastically.

“Its Twilight.” She gives her trademark face of annoyance and you crack a smile.

“Don't worry, I'll remember it someday, Book Horse.” You say with a shit-eating grin.

She groans in her typical way and trots inside. You suppress the urge to laugh and follow after her.

Leading you to a sofa where a table sits in front of it with pencils (Thank goodness you showed them how to make pencils) and blank scrolls scattered around, she takes a seat and you follow suit on the opposite sofa.

Lifting a blank scroll up, she begins the study session, “So Anon, what are your notes on human intercourse? Is there a specific pattern?” and you facepalm in annoyance.

“Seriously, why?” You mutter.

“Its for a good reason!” She replies back.

You don't even try arguing, knowing it'll only end in a headache.

“Okay. You want to know? We fuck like crazy. There you go.”

She gives her typical Twilight look in response to your smartass answer and you almost smile widely in response.

“That's not the answer I want to hear. Now, what are your thoughts on intercourse with a pony?” She asks with a tilt of her pencil.

“Would you stop saying that? Intercourse I mean.” You scratch your chin (not your male parts as that's rude… sometimes) and think for a few moments. “I'd rather not do so since I'm not a horse fucker.” You end with a shrug.

“But we're not whorses-”

“Yes, ponies. I fuckin' know. Like saying a pug isn't a dog just because it doesn't look like a husky,” You tell her. “Ah, whatever.” You wonder if maybe that was the right analogy to describe and compare. Confound this land making you think weird!

She stares dumbly at you. “Ponies we are, Anon, not whorses,” and shows she didn't understand what you said.

“But a pony is just a smaller horse!” You shout exasperated.

“But a whorse is a pony that does things for bits!” She shouts back.

“Not whorse you fuckin moron! Horse! H, o, r, s, e. Horse!” You spell out to her.

“Oh! Horse, not whorse. Well, yeah. We are related to them,” She chuckles uneasily.

You can't even make a show of groaning. “Whatever. Where were we?” You inquire.

“Asking about if you would have intercourse with a pony?”

“Nah, won't happen.”

“Even if-”

“Nope. Bad enough I have to deal with Fetishy most mornings. I don't need you pestering me too about sex.”

“But its for science! We could learn a lot from anything your race does that we don't.”

“Look Autismo, just go grab a stallion from off the street and get yourself laid bad. Fucks sake, god knows you could use a good dickin.”

“A-Anon! I don't need a good rutting! I just want to know what its like to have sexual intercourse with a human.”

“For the last time, Sperg Lord, no. I ain't a horse… er, pony fucker.”

“Besides,” you add and interrupt her. “We humans have an old saying. 'Never stick your dick in crazy' is how it goes and your craziness is OVER NINE THOUSAND!!!” You yell the last part and pretend to break something by closing your fist tightly.

Twilight stares at you unamused and you sign. “Let me guess; human thin-”

“Human thing,” you finish for her.

Silence reigns in the air. You take advantage and give a yawn, leaning back and kicking your feet out. They land on the small table with a thump and it knocks a few scrolls to the floor. Twilight glares at you and you whistle innocently.

“So Anon-”

“So Anon,” You respond back to her quickly. She looks at you confused and you keep your face blank.

“What I was going to say-”

“What I was going to say,” You again speak at the same time as her and this time she catches on what you're doing. Oh boy, does she think she can outlast you at THIS??? Ha! You love a good challenge!

With a glare that could melt metal, she again speaks. “I want to know-”

“I want to know,”

“Are humans always this dense?”

“Are humans always this dense?”

“Anon, stop this!!”

“Anon, stop this!!” You shout in a girly tone that matches hers. Hmm, that's not good. Maybe you should look into why you sound like that sometime. For some reason even your screams at times sound girlish (Mareish?). You know you're not gay as you love the pussy! … Human women pussy anyway.

“I'm warning you!”

“I'm warning you!” By this point you can't stop the grin that's plastered across your face.

“I'm Anon and I'm an annoying jerk!”

“You're Twilight and you're an annoying pony.”

“I like to suck and gurgle on stallion cocks-” She freezes up and realization kicks in hearing what you said. She smirks and plans to further this. You on the other hand knew what she was about to say. With a laugh you press stop on the device in your pocket and the noise catches her ears.

“What was that, Anon?” She asks you with a head tilt.

You pull out the device and hold it out. Its a small, pocketable tape recorder that just got finished recording everything that was said just now.

“This? Its called a tape recorder. Its something I had on my person before I came to this land of ponies,” You explain to her. “It allows for the capturing of sound, voices and music provided you have an empty tape.”

It cost you a pretty penny too. Must be from all the new cellphones, tablets, iPods, smartphones, ect. That have been popping up in your world lately before you vanished. Stuff like this has became rare and most want too much cash for it. Thankfully you landed yours slightly used at a yard sale and man do you not regret it in the slightest now.

“Really? That's fascinating!” She exclaims and smiles brightly. You have a plan to wipe that disgusting smile away from her muzzle.

Pressing play, it begins to play back from when you started copying her. She stares amazed until it ends with her voice saying she likes to suck stallion cocks. Its then replaced by a face of horror and anger.

She is about to respond but you have already gotten up from the sofa and stuffed the tape back into your pockets. Walking to the door, you freeze when it closes on you by a glow of purple magic.

“Anon…” Twilight says with calmness and slight anger. “Where do you think you're going with that?”

You smirk, glad she can only see your back. “To go home and listen to your oh so sexy voice and maybe have a little 'alone' time?” You lie and almost bust out laughing, blowing your cover.

She, against all odds falls for it and her cheeks turn red. “O-Oh. Does that mean you'll…?”

“Yep. This will let me man up and prepare myself. See you later, my little book pony,” You silently gag to yourself and open the now magic-free door.

Closing it behind you, you stand there still for a few seconds completely statue still. A few ponies wonder if maybe you're sick or something. You shock them by suddenly jumping into the air and fist pumping!

“I-I-I can't believe that worked! She fell for it! Oh lordy lord will this be a fun day!!” You head to the market stall to buy a few things, a spring in your step as a few ponies cast a curious gaze at you.

You wonder what'll happen if you play the tape back to Celestia. No doubt she'll disapprove of her student. You can see it now, her face of dejection and Sperg Lord's of shame. It brings such a huge smile to your face that The Joker himself would be proud.

With a tired sign you walk into your house and head to the kitchen. Removing a bottle of hard cider you bought from Applejack a while back, you head into your living room and collapse onto your worn sofa, cracking the bottle open and enjoying the crisp sound that escapes. Raising the bottle to your mouth, you take several large chugs and set the bottle down as you wipe your mouth dry.

A grin forms on your face. You haven't been to Canterlot yet but a few ponies are already questioning Purple Smart's ways. The faces you got from Rarity and Rainbow Dash were priceless! Their cheeks were so red even apples were duller in color. Applejack shook her head slowly hearing it and thought it was a lie until you played the tape back to her. A subtle blush spread across her face and though you aren't sure, you thought she mumbled something like “I'll… yours all day.” You shrugged and passed it off.

Pinkie Pie on the other hand didn't care one way or the other. She kept that same infuriating smile on her face and giggled at everything that was said. You wonder if maybe her parent's dropped her on her head as a baby and that's why she seems… retarded? Nah, too strong. Maybe just weird and crazy. Yeah, wrazy describes her best (Trademarked. If only you were still on Earth!).

You don't dare try and play it to Yellow Quiet. She might take that chance and think its okay to stick your dick in her mouth or something. There was that one time she showed up wearing a priest's collar and asked if stories was your fetish. You wondered where she got it from. You told the then 'Flutterpriest' to head home and take the collar off since she looked weird with it.

Ridley sits back from his laptop and signs. “Great, now I'm making references to other writers. What is my life?” Picking up his bottle of lemon tea, he takes a swig and resumes typing away.

It wouldn't be the boldest thing she's done since some of her other past fetish guesses…

You shudder thinking how she even got some weird abominations to be part of them. The bad OC pony thing or whatever was really horrifying. Black and red is SUCH an overused color scheme! Black and green or black and purple are all the rage now. Hell, one of your weird human friends back on Earth used to dress in nothing but blacks and greens. Man do you miss your friends. Ponies are okay, but they aren't humans. You will never see another human for the rest of your life.

A single, totally manly tear drips down your cheek and plops onto the wooden floor. You grab the bottle and raise it up, “Cheers,” you say to yourself and proceed to down the rest of its contents.

Author's Note

Chapters will be shorter than my other story, but they should also happen to come out sooner as well, barring I ain't busy doing other things. Not much else to say besides the fact you took time to read this story!