Anon's misadventures in Equestria

by NonnyTheAnonFilly

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Princess Luna, Anon, Second Person, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Sex, Main 6
Length: 8414

As Anon, your life in Equestria isn't easy. These ponies always manage to either cause trouble for yourself or drive you insane with their antics. As the days pass by, you try to find ways to survive against their countless assaults

Art credit goes to the respective artist.

The days pass by nonchalantly and every single one seems the same. You as the only human in this weird world, wake up, get annoyed by these ponies, do whatever jobs you can to get by and finish by sleeping when its night. Normally you would think it'd be easy getting a job and even easier doing them.

How wrong you were. Whether it be due to the stalking yellow pone following you sometime or the annoying book pone asking for study sessions, you feel enough is enough from these ponies and decide payback is due mostly since you got to have something fun to do, otherwise you'll risk being driven insane.

Published 2017-04-18 00:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-07-24 19:24:05 UTC

Twilight's lesson

Waking up from the morning sun, you yawn and give an almighty stretch. Getting up from the bed and silently cursing Celestia's sun, you head to the bathroom to do your usual morning routine.

You are Anon and you are the only human in this land of ponies known as Equestria. Its been a few months since you were vanished into a flash of light while browsing some tropes on your favorite website. At first, everypony was wary and scared of you, but calmed down after you proved you were harmless (Mostly. Still keep your meat diet a secret).

Having used the toilet, you flush and begin to talk a shower. After cleaning yourself, you hop out and begin with a shave that you desperately need as the stubble has started growing out.

You emerge from the bathroom a few minutes later, cleaned and face smooth of any fuzz. You do a moonwalk to the kitchen for the lulz and spin in front of the refrigerator before stopping and giving a yell.

“Oh!”

Opening it up, you grab some eggs and your trusty frying pan. Ignoring how it works (by magic most likely), you turn the burners on the stove on and crack the eggs open into the pan.

What you would give for a link of sausage and some strips of bacon. Alas, that's an impossible dream as the ponies here in Ponyville won't like the idea of something consuming meat most likely, so you have kept it on the down low.

Snapping out that thought, you lay the easy-over eggs onto a plate and pull some potatoes out. Slicing them into pieces, you drop them into the pan and stir them around. A few minutes later the potatoes are done and you smile.

Using your ever-trusty spatula, you pile the nicely roasted potatoes onto the plate and sit down at the table. Seeing something amiss, you chuckle and grab a glass from your cabinet and open the refrigerator up.

Pouring some good ol' apple juice, you set it down beside your plate and grab a fork as well as the salt shaker. Nothing quiet like salted-fried sliced potatoes!

Sitting down after checking the stove is off, you raise the fork and prepare to chow down.

*Knock knock knock*

Setting the utensils down, you get up and open the door up with a look of annoyance at being interrupted from breakfast.

Standing there is none other than book horse, who sports a large smile. “Good morning, Anonymous.” She says with a cheerful smile which has you wince.

“Hey, Purple Smart. The names Anon.” You correct her and chuckle seeing her ears fold back for a second.

“Right. I came by to ask you if you could help me out with studying? Specifically about your race.” She asks with a grin.

Blinking and making a show of scratching your chin, you shrug. “Sure, why not? Ain't doing anything else anyway (At least anything important anyway).”

She happily clops her front hooves together. “Great! Meet me at my place in three hours. Bye for now, Anon!” She replies with a wave and trots away.

“Yeah, see you later, Autismo.” You halfheartedly wave back and return back to your breakfast.

You finish it off and wished it was warmer, but can't get what you always want. Seeing that you have time to kill, you begin to clean the dishes up and clean around the house, picking up any clothes you have lying around, dusting all your shelves and tables off and using chemical-free cleaning sprays (Which you don't want to know how they know about chemicals, yet their science level is almost nil) to spray everything down.

With a smile and wiping your head clean, you nod and admire your work. The place is now spic-and-spam cleaned. So much so in fact that you even see sparkles pop up sometime like it was a freaking cartoon, complete with proverbial little ping noises! You would question that, but you don't want another headache forming. Just another day in Equestria you suppose.

Checking the time, you decide to head to Twilight's place thirty minutes early. You arrive at her treebary and walk inside after opening the door, not bothering to knock and instantly rear back.

“Twilight!! What the fuck, man?!” You shout in disgust seeing her lay on her couch with a picture of you in her hoof, the other rubbing against her winking clit.

“A-Anon!! Get out!” She shrieks and tries to use magic against you. Its harmlessly absorbed into your skin and you instead back up and quickly shut the door.

“… Okay, should I even try to think about why the princess of Autism was rubbing herself to a picture of me?” You question yourself. Finding no answer, you opt to slug yourself in the gut to try and forget what you saw as the face would have hurt bad.

“This will be Nightmare Fuel for sure. Wonder if they have brain bleach here?” Leaning against the side of her treehouse (What a puntastic name), you wait for her to finish and just manage to suppress the urge to shiver and vomit in disgust.

She emerges a few seconds later and you take note of her slightly messed up mane. The smell reaches your nostrils next and its carrying a hint of musk, making you frown ever so slightly.

“Nice job, really nailed the mane, Purple Smart.” You mutter sarcastically.

“Its Twilight.” She gives her trademark face of annoyance and you crack a smile.

“Don't worry, I'll remember it someday, Book Horse.” You say with a shit-eating grin.

She groans in her typical way and trots inside. You suppress the urge to laugh and follow after her.

Leading you to a sofa where a table sits in front of it with pencils (Thank goodness you showed them how to make pencils) and blank scrolls scattered around, she takes a seat and you follow suit on the opposite sofa.

Lifting a blank scroll up, she begins the study session, “So Anon, what are your notes on human intercourse? Is there a specific pattern?” and you facepalm in annoyance.

“Seriously, why?” You mutter.

“Its for a good reason!” She replies back.

You don't even try arguing, knowing it'll only end in a headache.

“Okay. You want to know? We fuck like crazy. There you go.”

She gives her typical Twilight look in response to your smartass answer and you almost smile widely in response.

“That's not the answer I want to hear. Now, what are your thoughts on intercourse with a pony?” She asks with a tilt of her pencil.

“Would you stop saying that? Intercourse I mean.” You scratch your chin (not your male parts as that's rude… sometimes) and think for a few moments. “I'd rather not do so since I'm not a horse fucker.” You end with a shrug.

“But we're not whorses-”

“Yes, ponies. I fuckin' know. Like saying a pug isn't a dog just because it doesn't look like a husky,” You tell her. “Ah, whatever.” You wonder if maybe that was the right analogy to describe and compare. Confound this land making you think weird!

She stares dumbly at you. “Ponies we are, Anon, not whorses,” and shows she didn't understand what you said.

“But a pony is just a smaller horse!” You shout exasperated.

“But a whorse is a pony that does things for bits!” She shouts back.

“Not whorse you fuckin moron! Horse! H, o, r, s, e. Horse!” You spell out to her.

“Oh! Horse, not whorse. Well, yeah. We are related to them,” She chuckles uneasily.

You can't even make a show of groaning. “Whatever. Where were we?” You inquire.

“Asking about if you would have intercourse with a pony?”

“Nah, won't happen.”

“Even if-”

“Nope. Bad enough I have to deal with Fetishy most mornings. I don't need you pestering me too about sex.”

“But its for science! We could learn a lot from anything your race does that we don't.”

“Look Autismo, just go grab a stallion from off the street and get yourself laid bad. Fucks sake, god knows you could use a good dickin.”

“A-Anon! I don't need a good rutting! I just want to know what its like to have sexual intercourse with a human.”

“For the last time, Sperg Lord, no. I ain't a horse… er, pony fucker.”

“Besides,” you add and interrupt her. “We humans have an old saying. 'Never stick your dick in crazy' is how it goes and your craziness is OVER NINE THOUSAND!!!” You yell the last part and pretend to break something by closing your fist tightly.

Twilight stares at you unamused and you sign. “Let me guess; human thin-”

“Human thing,” you finish for her.

Silence reigns in the air. You take advantage and give a yawn, leaning back and kicking your feet out. They land on the small table with a thump and it knocks a few scrolls to the floor. Twilight glares at you and you whistle innocently.

“So Anon-”

“So Anon,” You respond back to her quickly. She looks at you confused and you keep your face blank.

“What I was going to say-”

“What I was going to say,” You again speak at the same time as her and this time she catches on what you're doing. Oh boy, does she think she can outlast you at THIS??? Ha! You love a good challenge!

With a glare that could melt metal, she again speaks. “I want to know-”

“I want to know,”

“Are humans always this dense?”

“Are humans always this dense?”

“Anon, stop this!!”

“Anon, stop this!!” You shout in a girly tone that matches hers. Hmm, that's not good. Maybe you should look into why you sound like that sometime. For some reason even your screams at times sound girlish (Mareish?). You know you're not gay as you love the pussy! … Human women pussy anyway.

“I'm warning you!”

“I'm warning you!” By this point you can't stop the grin that's plastered across your face.

“I'm Anon and I'm an annoying jerk!”

“You're Twilight and you're an annoying pony.”

“I like to suck and gurgle on stallion cocks-” She freezes up and realization kicks in hearing what you said. She smirks and plans to further this. You on the other hand knew what she was about to say. With a laugh you press stop on the device in your pocket and the noise catches her ears.

“What was that, Anon?” She asks you with a head tilt.

You pull out the device and hold it out. Its a small, pocketable tape recorder that just got finished recording everything that was said just now.

“This? Its called a tape recorder. Its something I had on my person before I came to this land of ponies,” You explain to her. “It allows for the capturing of sound, voices and music provided you have an empty tape.”

It cost you a pretty penny too. Must be from all the new cellphones, tablets, iPods, smartphones, ect. That have been popping up in your world lately before you vanished. Stuff like this has became rare and most want too much cash for it. Thankfully you landed yours slightly used at a yard sale and man do you not regret it in the slightest now.

“Really? That's fascinating!” She exclaims and smiles brightly. You have a plan to wipe that disgusting smile away from her muzzle.

Pressing play, it begins to play back from when you started copying her. She stares amazed until it ends with her voice saying she likes to suck stallion cocks. Its then replaced by a face of horror and anger.

She is about to respond but you have already gotten up from the sofa and stuffed the tape back into your pockets. Walking to the door, you freeze when it closes on you by a glow of purple magic.

“Anon…” Twilight says with calmness and slight anger. “Where do you think you're going with that?”

You smirk, glad she can only see your back. “To go home and listen to your oh so sexy voice and maybe have a little 'alone' time?” You lie and almost bust out laughing, blowing your cover.

She, against all odds falls for it and her cheeks turn red. “O-Oh. Does that mean you'll…?”

“Yep. This will let me man up and prepare myself. See you later, my little book pony,” You silently gag to yourself and open the now magic-free door.

Closing it behind you, you stand there still for a few seconds completely statue still. A few ponies wonder if maybe you're sick or something. You shock them by suddenly jumping into the air and fist pumping!

“I-I-I can't believe that worked! She fell for it! Oh lordy lord will this be a fun day!!” You head to the market stall to buy a few things, a spring in your step as a few ponies cast a curious gaze at you.

You wonder what'll happen if you play the tape back to Celestia. No doubt she'll disapprove of her student. You can see it now, her face of dejection and Sperg Lord's of shame. It brings such a huge smile to your face that The Joker himself would be proud.

With a tired sign you walk into your house and head to the kitchen. Removing a bottle of hard cider you bought from Applejack a while back, you head into your living room and collapse onto your worn sofa, cracking the bottle open and enjoying the crisp sound that escapes. Raising the bottle to your mouth, you take several large chugs and set the bottle down as you wipe your mouth dry.

A grin forms on your face. You haven't been to Canterlot yet but a few ponies are already questioning Purple Smart's ways. The faces you got from Rarity and Rainbow Dash were priceless! Their cheeks were so red even apples were duller in color. Applejack shook her head slowly hearing it and thought it was a lie until you played the tape back to her. A subtle blush spread across her face and though you aren't sure, you thought she mumbled something like “I'll… yours all day.” You shrugged and passed it off.

Pinkie Pie on the other hand didn't care one way or the other. She kept that same infuriating smile on her face and giggled at everything that was said. You wonder if maybe her parent's dropped her on her head as a baby and that's why she seems… retarded? Nah, too strong. Maybe just weird and crazy. Yeah, wrazy describes her best (Trademarked. If only you were still on Earth!).

You don't dare try and play it to Yellow Quiet. She might take that chance and think its okay to stick your dick in her mouth or something. There was that one time she showed up wearing a priest's collar and asked if stories was your fetish. You wondered where she got it from. You told the then 'Flutterpriest' to head home and take the collar off since she looked weird with it.

Ridley sits back from his laptop and signs. “Great, now I'm making references to other writers. What is my life?” Picking up his bottle of lemon tea, he takes a swig and resumes typing away.

It wouldn't be the boldest thing she's done since some of her other past fetish guesses…

You shudder thinking how she even got some weird abominations to be part of them. The bad OC pony thing or whatever was really horrifying. Black and red is SUCH an overused color scheme! Black and green or black and purple are all the rage now. Hell, one of your weird human friends back on Earth used to dress in nothing but blacks and greens. Man do you miss your friends. Ponies are okay, but they aren't humans. You will never see another human for the rest of your life.

A single, totally manly tear drips down your cheek and plops onto the wooden floor. You grab the bottle and raise it up, “Cheers,” you say to yourself and proceed to down the rest of its contents.

Author's Note

Chapters will be shorter than my other story, but they should also happen to come out sooner as well, barring I ain't busy doing other things. Not much else to say besides the fact you took time to read this story!

Fluttershy gets the boot

Pulling the covers over your eyes, you try to shut out the sun's rays as it lights up your room. Muttering a few 'happy' words about the sun, you reluctantly get up from your bed and head to the bathroom.

Its yet another typical day in the peaceful (craziness is the word you use for the stuff you have to put up with) land of Equestria. As the only human here, you were an oddity as even your name of Anonymous Unknown doesn't fit the theme of names here. You could give two fucks about that tho' as you like your name.

Now walking down your steps after your morning ritual (using bathroom, showering, shaving, dressing) you head to your kitchen. There's not much there besides your fridge, cupboards, stove. Pretty much your regular kitchen on Earth.

Grabbing two slices of bread you drop them into the toaster and stand by it. Maybe its the day you can catch toast as it pops up finally! … Yeah, this land has you getting happy about catching toast since your mind has to do something to not go crazy!

As the toast is being… toasted, you eye it sternly like a hawk. Just as it almost dings there comes the sound of knocking on your front door. You turn your head and the toaster dings, signifying your chance has escaped.

You growl and head to the door. There's only one pony who comes here every morning. Opening the door up, you see (surprise, surprise) the bane of your life here.

Pinching your nose in frustration, you close your eyes and manage not to sign. “Fluttershy, what the hell do you want?”

“O-oh, umm… is wearing boots your f-fetish, Anon?” She asks in her timid voice. It would be cute if she didn't come here EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING.

You open your eyes and notice she's wearing yellow boots with a black bottom (Rubber?) on the bottom of her boots. “You make me miss catching my toast… for this?”

Fluttershy nods slowly and you finally sign. Reaching near your doorway, you pull out one of your steel-toe boots and slip it on your left foot (Yeah, you are a leftie. You're rare like that).

“No, Butter Hushness. Boots are not my fetish,” you pick her up by the scruff of her neck to eye level. Turning her around, you release her and lift your leg, punt-kicking her into the sky. You allow a small smile to form as she soon becomes a dot. It turns to confusion as you see and hear (somehow) a twinkle.

Backing up and closing the door, you blink and stand there. Not wanting to ask the dreaded why (Seriously this place will make even the most hardcore form a migraine) you head to the kitchen and silently weep over the fact that your toast catching will have to wait another day.

Giving a wave to the two ponies, you head back to Sugarcube corner for another delivery to make. Its not something you enjoy since it forces you to be near these ponies but the pay is decent since it allows ADHD pony to spend more time baking and thus, more sugary bites to be made and therefore consumed.

Arriving, you grab another package and head to Twilight's tree-house-thing, knocking three times. The purple pone soon opens up and you exchange small talk for a bit before handing her package over. She thanks you and hooves a couple bits over for your trouble.

Pocketing it, you whistle as you wave goodbye and head back to your work. Something weird is nagging at the back of your mind. You feel like you did something with a tape recorder and humiliated Twilight for some reason. Try as you might you don't remember though. You make a mental note to ask Book Horse about it sometime.

Work goes by pretty swell except for two things. One, you tripped over a mare that was walking and somehow her face ended up where your crotch is. You hastily rose to your feet and spent the next two minutes being chased by a mare through town that suddenly got the urge to put your dick in her mouth after you told her to suck your dick since she yelled at you (Hey, you take no shit from anyone, not least of which a pony. That's just how you roll!).

The other thing that happened was you had to rescue a filly that was stuck in the bottom of a well. Yeah, it was cliched as hell. Anyway, since none of the ponies were using common sense, you leaned inside and grabbed the filly, lifting her out. There were the usual thank yous and stuff, but you waved them away. You don't care for attention or want it.

You snap out your thoughts and get your last package for today. You read the name and sign. “Oh joy, I get to meet Flutters,” You mutter joylessly.

One short and dreadful walk later you arrive at her cottage. Smiling as you really hate this pony, you instead give three rather hard kicks to her door rather than knocks.

“Hope I damaged this bitch's door,” You snicker. The door opens up and you see Fluttershy staring at you.

“Package for you,” Dropping it down inside her home on a table as you walked inside, you hear the door closing behind yourself.

“That's a-a nice thing… to do, A-Anon.” She stutters out and blushes as she lays her large eyes on you. You though, you feel creeped out by that. Something has always bothered you about these ponies and its their eyes. Sure, some… okay, just about all of them were cute, but still! Eyes should not be that large! It feels something like… like they could do a Ghost Rider to you and stare into your soul. You for one don't want anything to know what you did back on Earth. Some things are best left forgotten.

“Whatever, Butter Squeak,” You sign and sit down on her sofa. A small rest will do since you've been walking nonstop all day. You check the time and see its around 4 PM. You muse over the fact either today's orders were short or you are used to walking now and got it done faster. Eh, you vote for the latter…

“W-Would you c-care for some tea?” Fluttershy asks though its more like quietly squeaks out to you. You think it over and shrug.

“Sure, why not,” You agree and see her happily scamper off to the kitchen.

Yawning and scratching your chin, you stretch and lean backwards on the sofa. Your eyes begin drooping and you find it hard to stay awake.

Fluttershy trots back in the room with a platter of two tea cups nestled on her back. She carefully sets it down on the table and smiles softly to you.

“I didn't know what kind of tea you wanted, so I made some sweet tea. I-Is that alright, Anon?” She nervously glances to you.

“Eh, I prefer lemon tea, but sweet is second on my list,” Lifting your mug up, you are surprised at the sweet, but flavorful taste that swirls in your mouth. “Say, this is rather good. What'd you add in it to give it that kick?”

“U-um, some special juice I made and blended in the tea. D-drink it all, Anon. You deserve it.”

“That I will! Mmm!” Quickly downing the rest, you have her pour you another cup and empty it just as quick. There's a weird taste to it, but its so good you can't stop!

But of course, you were too tired to remember how this land loves to fuck with you. Fluttershy proves it a few seconds later.

“Is drinking mare juices your fetish, Anon?”

“…” You were in the middle of about to take a sip, raised mug and all.

The mug falls from your grasp and tea spills into your lap. Rather -hot- tea you may add. So you do the one thing anyone would do. You scream like a bitch and hop up, trying to pry your pants off.

“AHH, shit! Damnit, fuck!!” You manage to rip your pants off finally and sign at the cool air that brushes against your groin. Wait, air?

Looking down, you see lil' Anon just hanging around, exposed for everything to see. You glance at your ripped pants and see that you tugged -too- hard and your black boxers are in that same heap. Next you glace at Fluttershy and her entire muzzle is pure red.

“…”

“…”

“… Fluttershy?”

“Y-Yes?”

“I'm gonna FUCKIN' KILL YOU!!”

You lunge for her and end up tripping over her table since a wave of dizziness hit you. She squeaks in fear and tried to get away, but you ended up falling into her in a rather peculiar way. As in your groin near her muzzle.

“Not this shit again. I'm tired of this fucking land and its bullshit!” Lifting yourself up, you glare down at the trembling Butter Ball.

“Let me get this straight: you made me drink… your cum? All for a damn fetish guess?” You calmly ask her.

She nods meekly in return.

You stare and blink twice. “Fluttershy, hell is too good for you. When I'm done, you'll be begging me to stop.”

“Oh m-my… I didn't know you liked that stuff, Anon.”

“Ugh, you stupid bitch! I mean you'll wish Satan himself was your master from the punishments I will do! I'll make you cry out in pain!!”

“A-Anon, that sounds simply… divine.”

“Wat?”

Is this bitch -actually- getting turned on by your words? Glancing down at her marehood, you see it already moist and glistening.

…

Holy shit! Who knew Fluttershy was such a masochist?! Shrugging that creepy thought off, you growl and get ready to wreck this bitch's shit (Shit, now that could be taken the wrong way).

As you run forward, you again feel dizzy and end up tripping, falling onto your back. You feel your eyelids grow heavy and wonder if maybe Fluttershy may have also drugged your tea as you shouldn't be so dizzy or tired.

“Fuckin'… bitch drugging… me. Screw you so many… times over, Flutterbitch…”

"That I will, A-Anon."

"Fuck you..." You mutter and darkness overcomes you.

You wake up a few hours later. Groaning and mumbling more 'happy' words about this land, you find yourself still in Fluttershy's home. You lift yourself up and take note that you're still pantsless. There's also a weird slimy feeling over your groin.

“… This is my life. Missing catching toast, having a shitty job, getting pestered and then molested by a pony. Yay for me. … And I didn't even get to enjoy the good part.”

Looking around, you see the yellow pone asleep on her sofa. Feeling anger wash over, you rudely lift her up.

“A-Anon? Wh-what are you doing?” She both sleepily and fearfully asks.

“Something that should have been done a long time ago.”

Stepping outside, you rear your left leg back and she braces for the punt coming up.

Suddenly you wake up with a start, breathing heavily. Looking around, you see you're back in your room at your house. There's the tattered clothes on your floor and the empty snack wrappers. Its sloppy, but its your room alright.

“Whew, it was all just a dream. I wasn't molested or anything.”

“I know. That was a wonderful time. Wouldn't you agree, Anon?” A voice whispers next to you.

Dreading the voice, you slowly turn and see Fluttershy cuddled up next to you, hoof wrapped around your stomach. Naturally, you breath in slowly and do what you think anyone would do in this situation.

You scream, grab Yellow Molester, open your window and punt-kick her out!

“Never come back again, you beap piece of beap excuse for a beap pony! Beap you, beap this land and beap her royal fatness that scarfs cakes down and watches over you, Sun-butt!”

Slamming your window shut, you don't notice the gleam that resonates from the castle far off into the distance or a certain sun princess giggling at your antics. She glances at the fourth-wall and winks.

“Censorship and dreaming. Always an easy spell combo to cast~.”

Author's Note

Woo, a chapter apiece for both my stories? Yeah, don't expect it to mean it'll come out fast again. Its still the usual two-week thing or less, not sure as it changes for my free time.

Again, I want to say I didn't have a clue what I typed or what I was even thinking, so I hope you enjoyed or even hated it!

Pinkie Pie's 4th wall- “Hey! I'm part of the title!!”

The sun rises gracefully through the sky as princess Celestia preforms her royal duties from within her comfy bed inside her luxurious room that lies in her castle which looms over the city of Canterlot at its base.

You though, you don't share that same feeling. Groaning as you slowly wake up, you tumble out of your hard wooden bed that's a few sizes small and mutter words of 'joy' from your now aching nose.

You are Anon and you are-

“The world's first hoo-man thingy that came to Equestria!” Shouts something that lands on your back.

Knowing who just interrupted you, you lift your head so you can speak.

“Pinkie, how many times must I tell you not to interrupt my thoughts?”

“Gee, I lost count. It was something like…” Pinkie holds her fore hooves out to think and count while another set of fore hooves join. “Ten!”

“Yes, ten times. Now please get the fuck off me so I can lament about my life in this world of ponies!”

“Okie-dokie!” With that said, she hops off your back and you take the chance to stand up and stretch your limbs, being rewarded with satisfying cracks from your spine.

*SNAP!*

Uh oh, that didn't sound good. You're suddenly bent at a weird angle as you were leaning backwards, yet there isn't any pain to be felt.

“I don't understand this damn place. Sometimes you feel pain, other times there isn't anything to be felt.” You wonder how this world works as you're certain you should be writhing in agony right now.

“That doesn't look so good, Nonny.” Pinkie 'helpfully' states upon seeing your unnatural bent body.

“Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. Now I gotta find a way to fix this-!”

*SNAP!!*

A loud popping sound reverberates throughout your small two floor home from Pinkie suddenly launching herself through the air into your back, causing you to feel immense pain briefly and yell, “ARGH!! I'm ruined! My back is destroyed- hey... I'm fixed.”

Somehow and defying the laws of physics, Pinkie Pie has fixed your spine and you look upon her with wonder.

“Thanks Pinkie! You're a true friend.”

“Yay! Nonny called me a true friend!” She hops into the air as fireworks go off behind her. You hope they don't catch anything on fire.

“Yeah, yeah. I'm going to take a shower now.” Lifting a hand in a wave, you head to your bathroom.

Staring over at the pink pone from your side of the table, you are still dripping wet as a frown is seen across your face while a plate of eggs and sliced potatoes lie in front of you.

“Nonny, you're letting your food go cold. Eat up!”

“… Pinks, you leveled my bathroom.”

Water can been seen pooling around your feet from the water trailing down your steps from your bathroom.

“It was an accident. How was I supposed to know you would freak out from me going inside while you were showering and cause my Pinkie Sense to freak out and bounce me around?” She giggles at the end which prompts an eye twitch on your face.

“Water is pooling around my feet right now. My goddamn feet! I can fix plumbing stuff somewhat, but not something like that!” You shout exasperated to the bane of your life.

“Cheer up, Nonny. Everyone didn't come here to read about you getting mad!”

“That's another thing. Stop with that shit you keep doing! That 4th-wall thing or whatever nonsense!

“But they're right there! Can't you see them!?” Pinkie points both her fore-hooves directly at the screen from which the story is being read.

You see nothing except air… and the water steadily rising.

“Pinks, there's nothing there. I'm not sure if you have brain damage, but I'm starting to wonder if you really do from this nonsense you sprout.”

Having finished your breakfast, you write a quick note to Twilight Sparkle and send it away from your candle that burns with a green flame.

“Be thankful you have a friend that can fix this mess for once.”

Your other eye now twitches as Pinkie wasn't listening and is now seen happily giggling while she splashes around in the water. Before you can say anything, there's a familiar purple flash and the Queen of Autism is standing beside you.

“… Pinkie?” She asks trying to guess what the problem is this time, annoyed.

“Pinkie.” You answer with a nod.

Twilight lets out her trademarked groan as her horn lights in a translucent purple aura and she casts a reverse time spell only around your home. You make a note of how weird it is seeing water flow upwards to your bathroom rather than downwards. But you digress as the time keeps reversing and eventually you tell her to stop right before Pinkie busted your bathroom.

“Purple Smart, I owe you one.”

“Its Twilight.” She deadpans. “Anyway, no need for that, Anon. I know Pinkie can be a bit of a hoof-full.”

“Still…” You feel bad she helped you out as you can see that spell left her slightly worn out. Your gaze wanders to the pink bundle of joy that was the cause of the issue, eyeing her sternly.

“If you're that insistent, come by my house later. I could use your help with organizing a few books I recently got!”

You slowly turn your head away from Pinkie and casts its gaze on Twilight, an unamused look across your face.

“… You didn't go overboard again like last time, did you?”

Purple Pone giggles uneasily as she takes a step back.

“May~… be? Gottago! Kbye!!”

She teleports away in a flash back to wherever she came from.

“Damnit, Twilight.” You pinch the bridge of your nose in frustration.

“Aww! No more water. I wanted to swim!” Pinkie complains.

“… Goddamnit.” You mutter, pinching your nose harder.

“Thanks! Come again!” You say to the pony who grabs their bag of cupcakes you placed on the counter and trots away. “… When I'm not working.” You mutter at the end.

“Nonny! No spongy references.” Pinkie says quickly as she poked her head out from the kitchen.

“I wasn't. Its how I really feel,” You shrug, not knowing the hell she meant by that. Spongy? The fuck?

Glancing around, you see Sugarcube corner fairly empty at this point and check the time.

“One hour left. One more and then I can relax from this madness.”

Another pony trots on in and orders a triple fudge sundae that you jot down and hand to Pinkie as she zooms by. A minute later she returns with the item on a tray surrounded by various other overly sweet treats. Taking the rather cold dessert, you set it down on the counter.

“Here you go, a triple fudge sundae. 8 bits please.” You say in a bored tone.

Pulling out a pouch from somewhere (seriously, how the hell do they do that? Hammerspace? Nah, probably magic. Always fuckin' magic), the pony sets 8 bits down and thanks you, happily trotting away with the diabetic dessert.

“Stupid horses.” You mutter.

“Pardon me?” The pony asks as she turns around.

“I said you forgot your spoon.” You say as you lift up a spoon.

She grabs it out of your hand with her magic, “Thanks!” and sits down at one of the various tables to enjoy her dessert.

“Nonny! What did I just say about the jokes!?” Pinkie chides you as she glared.

You resist the urge to slam your face down on the counter. Mostly due to the fact you'll have to pay for damages and you can't afford that. These ponies be lowering their job wages and shit for aliens. Fuckin' greedy animals.

“Pinkie, I'm not doing any damn jokes. Stop thinking I am.”

“Yeah huh! You copied the bald octopus almost word-for-word!”

Having typed that and glancing over his words, Ridley X groans.

“Great, third chapter in and I make a terrible reference to a kids cartoon in a story about a kids cartoon. The things I do for other people's enjoyment…”

Chuckling lightly, he takes a swig of peach tea and resumes his typing.

“Octo- Pinkie,” You begin to say exasperated. “for the last damn time, I'm not making any jokes, I don't even know what the hell you're talking about!”

Scrunching her face up and narrowing her eyes, a few tense seconds pass that has you suddenly feel like death himself is staring at you. Seriously, this pink pone is starting to scare the shit out of you!

“Okie-dokie!!” She pronks away with a smile plastered across her face, leaving you to blink twice and clutch a hand over your chest as he sit with your back against the counter.

“… What the hell was that?” You question yourself in disbelief. “Not once has Pinkie made me feel like that. Sure, she can be scary at times, but this felt like she was gazing into my soul and about to pass judgment onto me! Something felt off though. Her gazing… it felt sinister.”

Wiping your forehead, you see its drenched and shake your thoughts away. Standing up, you don't take note of anything strange and dismiss what happened as nonsense. You return back to work as another pony trots inside and a white unicorn with a blue and yellow striped mane leaves.

“2 strawberry cupcakes, please.”

You sign and reach into the display to retrieve his order…

You pretend to wave at the last customer as your shift ends a few hours later.

“Alright Pinkie, its 5:00 PM.” You let her know as your take your apron off since it got a bit busier than usual today and you had to help Pinkie with baking.

“Okie-dokie! See you later, Nonny~!”

Did you hear that right? It sounded like… nah, its your mind playing tricks trying to make you hear silly things that you didn't hear.

Walking out the shop, you take a mighty inhale of the air air and feel rejuvenated. Say what you will about this world and its annoying ponies, but the air is just -so- clean and fresh compared to that nasty shit you got used to breathing in on Earth.

Deciding to go help Purple pone as you promised, you head to her treehouse and knock three times.

“Coming!” Yells the voice of Twilight from the other side.

“Yeah, I hope not.” You chuckle at your dirty joke. The door opens a few seconds later and Twilight beams happily as she gives you a hug.

“Thanks for wanting to help me, Anon.” She smiles as you remove her hooves from around her torso.

Walking inside as she shuts the door, you see crate-upon-crate of books in the center of the room filled to the brim with books with Spike rooting through one of them.

“… That's a lotta books.” You state the obvious.

“I know. I got carried away.” She replies sheepishly with her cheeks flushed.

“This is gonna be a goddamn pain, y'know, Twankle Spankle?”

“Twilight. Its Twilight!” She narrows her eyes slightly at you.

“The name of that terrible book series. Alright, gotcha.” Hiding your shit eating grin, you begin to spend the next hour helping her organize her books.

While you two are taking a break from being almost finished by relaxing on her couch, your eye catches sight of something strange sitting on her coffee table.

“Twilight, what the hell is this thing?” You ask as you lift the rectangular thing up.

“Oh! I was going to ask you about that when we finished.” She replies, her eyes focusing on it in your hands. “I found that yesterday near the outskirts of Ponyville. I couldn't figure it out or what it is as I've never seen anything like it.”

Checking the back, you flip it back over and lift a brow.

“Odd. Its a tape recorder from my world. But why the hell was there a lone tape recorder just lying on the ground?”

Pressing the open tab down, you see there's a tape already inside. “Hmm, there's a tape inside and it seems to have something recorded already on it.”

“Really? How fascinating! Such a small thing can record sounds?”

“Yep. Might as well see what's on it.” Closing the lid, you rewind the tape and press play.

At first, there's only the ruffle of fabric and nothing else. But then you begin to hear voices.

“So Anon-” You hear come from the recording. It was Twilight's voice and you glance at her as she seems confused. Its followed by, “So Anon,” and this time its your voice you hear this time. Opting to hear the rest, you quiet your thoughts.

“What I was going to say-”

“What I was going to say.”

“I want to know-”

“I want to know.”

“Are humans always this dense?”

“Are humans always this dense?”

“Anon, stop this!” Twilight's voice in the recording had a tone of annoyance and hurt to it from those words. Sure, she's an OCD freak, but you wouldn't ever be mean to her like you hear from your voice in the recording.

“Anon, stop this!”

“I'm warning you!”

“I'm warning you!”

“I'm Anon and I'm an annoying jerk!” Twilight's ears fold back hearing her recording say that. She hates that you get her name wrong, but she wouldn't ever call you a jerk.

“You're Twilight and you're an annoying pony.” You focus since it seemed your words finally changed. But why? What's the point of you copying her? You don't ever remember doing this and wouldn't ever do this to her.

“I like to suck and gurgle on stallion cocks-” are the last words said as the tape recording clicks to signify its over.

You can only stare dumbfounded at the device as those last words sink in. You just heard Twilight say she likes to… Lifting your head, you gaze at her as she returns your look with one of open shock, ears lowered, mouth opened, eyes widened, the whole nine yards.

“…”

“…”

Silence reigns in the air for a few minutes. What even can be said? You just heard yourself and Twilight bicker and her saying she likes to suck and gurgle cocks. It makes a shiver run through your body. That recording seemed -and for some reason- felt real, almost like that actually did happen even though both of you wouldn't ever do that to each other.

“… Anon?” Twilight says quietly.

“Yes?”

“T-that isn't true. I don't do s-such a thing.” You see her looking like she's about to cry. Deciding to man up, you wrap your arms around the book pone.

“Its okay, Twi,” you comfort her. “Its gotta a fake. Someone must have copied our voices. I sure as hell know I wouldn't ever tease you like that.”

“I know, Anon. But sti-”

“But nothing. Don't believe that shit as we both know we didn't do that. So lets get back to putting the rest of your books up!” You grin as you stand up and help her up, a grin now on her face.

“Right!”

Deciding to make sure no one ever hears that again, you place the device on the floor and stomp on it till it lies in pieces.

“Rest in pieces.” You say in your best Undertaker voice. Twilight lifts a brow and you shrug. “Human thing. Besides, that thing was evil.”

You head over to the last two crates and finish putting the last of the books up a few minutes later.

“Thanks for your help, Anon. It would have taken me days to catalog and shelve all these books.

“No prob, Nerdy-Pony.” You grin.

“Twilight!” She all but shouts to you which only makes you grin more. She lowers her gaze and scruffs a hoof along the floor. “Also, thanks for… believing in me earlier. About the… thing.”

“Again, no problem, Twi. You're a friend of mine and I know you wouldn't ever do anything of the sort!” Patting her head and scratching behind her ears a couple times, you wave and head out. Glancing at the town clock, you see its already six pm and decide to head home.

Arriving at your house, you climb your steps and enter your home. You see Pinkie Pie is sitting on your sofa, reading one of your hidden "special" magazines you had on you when you got warped here.

“Pinkie! What the fuck are you doing!?” You shout at her and lunge at the party pone. She slips through your hands and sits on your back as you land belly-first across your sofa.

“Silly Nonny, I'm reading one of your books! I got bored waiting on you and went through your dresser for something to read!” She scowls and giggles. “Your only books I found only have pictures filled with strange things shoving parts into other parts. Boring!”

“Yeah, that's 'cause its a porn magazine, you stupid horse!” You growl and flip over, yanking the magazine from her hooves.

“Hey, give that back!” She cries and flails her hooves trying to reach for it. You lift your arms away from her and keep it away from her grasp. She stands up on her hind hooves to reach for it, but wobbles and plants her flank firmly down near your groan. You gasp as she landed a little hard and almost knocked the wind out of you.

Seeing her about to reach for it again, you growl, “no you don't!” and flip over once more, pinning her beneath you as you stuff it inside your jacket.

“No matter what, you annoying ponies always seem to cause me headaches from your shenanigans. Every. Fucking. Day.” You say tiredly. “Like right now you were looking at my special magazine.”

You wait for Pinkie to respond.

“…”

You grow curious as she still hasn't said anything. This is Pinkie we're talking about. Not hearing her talk and drive you insane means something's up. Glancing down, you see her cheeks are flushed a deep red and her eyes widen slightly.

“Pinkie?” You think she might be embarrassed for once on something she did wrong, but when you feel something wet around your groin, you lower your gaze.

Pinned over her? Check. Pinning her fore hooves down with your arms so she could stop trying to resist? Check. Groin touching against her's? Check. Sounding aggressive like a predator? Check! No wonder why she's blushing! You pretty much made it look like you were dominating her. Still, that doesn't display the wetness you felt-- and there it goes again.

Glancing back up, you see her face blushing even redder.

“… Pinkie… Are you seriously getting off to the thought of a weird alien dominating you?” You finally ask in disbelief.

She doesn't respond right away. You consider letting it drop before she meekly nods her head and quietly says, “yes.”

Wat?

“Nope! Fuck this!!” You shout and stand on the floor. “You fucking ponies are weird!”

“But Nonny! Why don't we have fun by you filling my oven with your frosting shot from your party cannon!!” She cries out to you.

Double wat.JPG

“You! Are! Weird!” You all but yell to her. The hell is wrong with this pony!? You're not a horse fucker.

“But we could have so much fun. All the readers care about is sex anyway!” She giggles.

“What readers?”

“Them!” She points a hoof behind her directly towards the camera screen and at the device the story is being read from.

“Pinkie, for the last goddamn time, there isn't anything there.”

“Sure there is!” She gazes at the camera screen and grins wide as she waves.

“Hi there! What's your name?” You see her ask to the air. “Really?!? Oh wow, that's such a neato name! Are you enjoying the story!?” She asks happily. You see her ears lower a bit. “Yeah, I know. Nonny is being a meany-pants so there won't be any of that. But-!”

You walked over and picked her up. “Pinkie, you need to get your head checked as this isn't right. You're talking to thin air.” Before she can respond, you open your door and toss her out.

“And stay outta my porn stash!!” Slamming the door, you decide to call it a day and flop down onto your sofa for a short rest. Yes, a short rest... sounds… lovely.

Glancing at a crystal ball that shows you asleep on your sofa from her throne, princess Celestia has a smirk across her face as she watched what had transpired and raises a hoof to her muzzle, glancing to the fourth-wall camera.

“It is so simple to mess with my favorite human toy. A little spell to make Pinkie Pie see things that aren't there to drive him crazy this time. Let's keep this our little secret though!” She winks and giggles as her smirk widens.

Author's Note

Whew, finally got it done! Due to the thing called real life, it really delayed this chapter. Not much else to say besides again hope you enjoyed those few minutes on this chapter!

Rainbow Dash isn't gay

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