The Dybbuk, The Pony, and the Illumineighti
Twas a day like any other in Ponyville. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and Fluttershy was tending to her animals. Her bear, Angel Bunny, that wolverine she hid in her backyard, and every other animal she owned—be it legally or through connections that even Celestia dared not speak about.
Still, Fluttershy loved each and everyone of them with every bit of her small being.
That was, until she met something terrible.
It was a few days ago. Fluttershy was still doing the aforementioned thing—only she had some orange juice with her because… breakfast or something.
However, after serving Angel Bunny some carrots because the Bunny Illuminati mandated it, she felt like she was being watched. She looked down to see Angel take a bite out of a carrot. After a few seconds of chewing, his facial expression changing a handful of times, he nodded in approval.
Fluttershy let out a sigh of relief as the feeling vanished… and was quickly replaced by another terrible feeling—this one far worse and far more menacing.
“Oh no,” she said. A chill ran up and down her spine as a single thought swam through her mind. “Did I forget to pay the Freemasons?”
A low growl came from behind her, one that made Angel hightail it back into Fluttershy’s cottage.
To Fluttershy, this meant one of two things: the Freemasons had sent their attack dogs, or the author had remembered that stories require a plot to be considered a story.
Slowly, the butter-colored mare turned around. To her amazement, she saw not a robed dog, but a normal dog, one that looked like any other dog to her. It was about the same size as her, had a nice white coat, and its head was upside-down.
“Oh, dear,” Fluttershy said as she noticed the less-than-normal detail about the canine that stood in front of her. If she were to be honest with herself, it wasn't the scariest thing she'd ever seen… but she was still pretty sure her orange juice had just turned into lemonade.
The doggo, meanwhile, looked up at the mare that stood before it curiously. That or it was looking down, even it didn't know. Irregardless, the dog walked towards her, ignoring the fact that the author had just defiled a paragraph in which the center of attention was a word that would make any English teacher cry.
Because screw the English language.
“Oh, um… would you like some orange juice?” Fluttershy gestured to the pitcher of OJ that rested on her windowsill with her head.
The upside-down doggo stopped, clearly enticed by the idea of having a drink after having been sent here by that guy who wrote those Batman movies with that guy from that one Terminator movie.
However, before it could act like a real doggo, Angel knocked over the pitcher, because he's a jerk face.
“Grrr…” The doggo wasn't amused by Angel's insolence and set its gaze on him. “Woof.”
Fluttershy watched Angel stagger backwards and fall back into the cottage with a faint thud. She turned her gaze back to the peculiar canine and frowned. “That wasn't very nice,” she said sternly.
The doggo simply growled in response.
Fluttershy felt her heart heart skip a beat as the sound of the freak-of-nature’s growling echoed in her head. That's when a lightbulb that had just been turned on joined the growling. She rolled onto her back and narrowed her eyes; staring directly into the dog’s soulless eyes.
The doggo also narrowed its eyes and stared back.
Fluttershy quickly felt a sense of fear fill her—as though her deus ex machina/stare/whatever the heck it is was being sent back at her thanks to an invisible mirror.
That or maybe she'd finally realized a dog with an upside-down head was a few feet away from her. Same thing though, right?
Regardless, Fluttershy was a kind pony who wouldn't harm a fly! She took a few steps back, no doubt stepping on a couple of ants (because screw ants), and laughed nervously. “Um… well, if you'd like, mister doggy, I have some treats in my house,” she said from behind her mane.
“·ʎqɯnſ sı əɯɐu ʎW"
The color from Fluttershy's entire body (let alone her face) vanished in the blink of an eye as the doggo's deep, demonic voice assaulted her ears. Although it wasn't out of the ordinary for her to come across an animal that had an intimidating voice, this was… different.
This canine didn't have the voice of something that might've had a good heart. It sounded like every ounce of its being was nothing but malice and hatred. The last time she'd ever felt something like this was when she saw King Sombra—and even this made him pale in comparison. (Camera gives a quick look at a very pale Sombra, then returns to our “regular” scene)
However, before Fluttershy could say for sure that the mad king of the Crystal Empire had competition, Jumby-Doggo leaped towards her. Quickly, Fluttershy ducked out of the way, the salivating jowls of her attacker narrowly missing her throat.
“You… brute!” The terrified mare said as she scrambled back up to her hooves.
Jumby-Doggo licked its lips and responded to Fluttershy's comment like any dybbuk possessed animal would and ran towards her with a crazed look in its eyes, an absurd amount of saliva dripping from its mouth, which created a trail worthy of a small river of rabid hunger as it, eventually, reached its target.
Or rather, where its target had once been. In its blind hunger induced rage, the demonic doggo from another world hadn't realized its long overdue brunch had fled to her cottage.
Still, a wooden door was no match for it. After all, paltry wooden door was no match for the powers of an almighty dybbuk-possessed canine! So, with an arrogant strut, Jumby-Doggo walked back before it charged at the door and crashed through it with ease.
Well, shit, that went better than expected, it thought as it shook off some of the splinters that had the audacity to defile its fine white coat.
Seriously, Rarity would envy it. It was that damn good.
As Jumby-Doggo finished shaking off the heretical splinters, it looked around the room for its meal/target, which it found cowering behind a nearby couch.
“Eep!” Fluttershy squeaked as Jumby-Doggo ran over towards her. The fiendish canine's eyes looked famished despite the fact the doggo itself looked less like a domesticated pupper and more like a rabid wolfie.
“Are you sure you don't want a cookie, mister… um, dog?”
Jumby-Doggo responded like a gentleman and bit down onto Fluttershy's mane.
Manners, this doggo certainly had them.
“Hey!” Fluttershy screamed as she punched Jumby-Doggo’s snout with the strength of a starved fawn. Eventually, the canine let go of her now half-eaten (and saturated) mane. “At least buy me dinner first…”
Somewhere, a child stated that Jumby wanted to be born now.
No Jumby-Babies would be made today (sorry) as Fluttershy took advantage of the doggo's confusion to dash right past it, turning it into a tornado of canine love and dybbuk evilness.
It didn't take long for the hair monstrosity to become… undizzied (making up words is fun, kids, as is demolishing the fourth wall) and to begin pursuit of its delicious (and sumptuous) meal.
Stop, there's no clop in the story.
“Oh, Celestia, who on Equus sent this thing after me!?” Fluttershy wondered aloud as she ran straight through her trashed front door. An apt metaphor for this story’s structure, but the author cares not for that.
Who would at this point?
Maybe someone with some self-respect. However, that matters not. What does matter is the fact that Fluttershy had completely forgotten about those two limbs known as ‘wings’. Perhaps it was because of her sheer panic.
Perhaps it was lazy writing.
The world (and Fluttershy herself) may never know—especially when the four-legged terror with an upside-down head came running out the wrecked front door after the four-legged beau- er… Element of Kindness. You didn't see that. Hopefully the writer didn't either.
The narrator was promptly sent to the gulag for the shift in perspective and replaced with a homeless man named Billy, who is being paid in tuna and Budweiser.
After that nonsense, Fluttershy resumed her sprint, having just awoken from a nap thanks to the events that had just transpired beyond the now obliterated fourth wall. Yes, even the rubble had been swept away.
We’re pretty sure Celestia ate it all, thinking it was cake. “It was delicious!” Stay out of this narrative, it's not about you.
“Who sent you!?” Fluttershy yelled as she ran in every which direction. She was pretty sure that she saw a great dane and some stoner a few times.
The dybbuk-doggo-Jumby-killmenow didn't reply as the narrator had gotten alcohol poisoning. Shouldn't have given him the Budweiser immediately.
Naturally, Fluttershy did the only sensible thing and ran up against a tree, because the author had just stopped giving the narrator ideas. In fact, at this point, he'd stopped giving the narrator food. He's just staring at a wall. Is he even alive?
Wait, are both of them dead!?
“So, this is how it ends?” Fluttershy wondered aloud. “I die to some… brutish canine?”
The doggo didn't respond as it'd lost all ability to speak because stop questioning this, the story had to be at least eighteen hundred words long.
“Fine, do your worst, you dog!”
The dybbuk-doggo-Jumby-killmenow-holyshitimsomehowstillalive!? flopped to the ground due to the fact that, at this point, the author had given up and was now writing the story while contemplating whether or not to watch videos of budgie's being adorable.
Because birds > his own story.
Jumby-Doggo, however, didn't agree, and attacked him by tearing a hole in the fabric of reality. It opted to rip off one of the author's arms clean off, but the author still didn't give a shit. Infuriated that the author didn't care that he'd just lost a limb, he was brutally murdered and swiftly replaced by Jumby-Doggo, who proceeded to bury him with the rest of the hacks that had, at some one point or another, used the word ‘irregardless’. There was quite a few of them. Jumby-Doggo had to use a mass grave to save on time.
Anyways, Jumby-Doggo grew wings as black as night and flew away to save the world from impurity like a good boy. Fluttershy fainted at the sight because she's a lightweight horse, and no doubt caused Yellowstone to erupt.
Damn equines!
Angel Bunny died three weeks later of a heart attack because he ruined my OJ option. Stupid bunny.
From behind the trees of the Everfree Forest though, a group of bunnies with triangular eyes watched with dastardly grins.
“Should we alert the council?” asked one of the bunnies.
“Of course,” another said.
“Should we leave behind a note?” asked a third bunny.
“Nah, just leave behind a pizza,” replied the second bunny.
The third bunny pulled a pizza box out of thin air because black magic or some shit. “Nobody ever expects the Illuminati!” he cackled as he nailed a piece of cheese pizza to a tree. “Nobody!” Not even the Illuminati do, but that's a story for another day.
Author's Note
This story was written without the help of controlled substances.
It was, however, written with the help of dank memes. And the Illuminati.
