Chapters The Janitor of Canterlot Castle
Okay, so ya know how Canterlot has this big freakin' castle? And ya know how it's pretty and all that stuff? Well, it doesn't stay pretty by itself, oh no! It has a workforce of one pony keeping it clean 24/7. Yeah, and that pony is me, Pillows. Yeah... not the best name ever, but you can take that up with my parents in the nut house. (That's where they put crazy ponies, if you didn't know.)
Okay, now imagine this: you're in one of the many hallways of Canterlot castle. In the middle of the hallway is a brown pony with a black mane and a video game controller for a cutie mark. He is mopping the floor and is wearing headphones, looking as bored as can be. Well... that's me. Yeah, the one with the weird name.
So, my life sucks. It's like life saw me, said "Nope!" and then took the world's largest crap all over me until its stomach was completely empty. So it then ate some food and came back two days later and did it again. Yeah, that's the best way to describe it. Sadly, it's also my pickup line. Yeah, not too many dates come my way.
Even though it sounds like I have nothing good in my life, there is one thing I always look forward every Saturday. That is my video game programming lesson with somepony named "Silent Chuck". I don't know his real name; but I do know he's a wanted fugitive in five countries and has had his tongue chopped off. Now you know why he's named Silent Chuck. He's kinda shady, he always wears a fedora and a trench coat, and the only way he communicates with me is via writing-on-paper. No tongue, remember?
So, every Saturday, I take a day off from work. Yes, I work six days a week because I have to pay rent and feed myself. Anyway, every Saturday I go down a dark alley way and into this place called "The Warehouse". I have to use the secret knock, which is three taps on the door, then another tap after five seconds. Oops! Guess it isn't a secret anymore. Silent Chuck is gonna kill me... Anyway, when I enter the dark, musty warehouse, Silent Chuck is there in his usual get up with an old beat-up computer. That's when he teaches me to program video games.
And that's pretty much the positive side of my life. I wanted to start out this story happy, but that's kinda hard. So, the apartment I live in is run down. I'm the only one living there besides this fat slob named Couch Potato. I call him Mr. Butt. Why? Because in the middle of the night, when I'm trying to sleep, all I hear is constant noise from his television. I've asked him to turn it down about fifty times but he just screams "I have rights!" and then slams the door on my face. I pray to Celestia, who is actually my boss, that he will one day get evicted and go to jail. She never answers my prayers.
On top of that, my job sucks! I only get paid two bits an hour, and my rent is one-hundred bits. Yeah, I have to put in at least fifty hours of work per month, while keeping taxes and food paid. I only hope I can get a job as a game programmer.
Oh! I almost forgot. There's this other thing in my life that makes me happy sometimes. I have a serious crush. We are pretty much opposites, but I still have a major crush on her. Octavia. I know right? Probably the only thing we have in common is that we both like classical music. I've yet to even make an impression on her.
Anyway, enough jibber jabber. Let's get this story rolling!
The Janitor of Canterlot Castle
In the wee hours of the morning, I am rudely awakened by my noisy alarm clock. I hit it lightly; the last one broke when I hit it with my hoof. I slowly but surely get out of bed. I realize this is my life and moan. Trying my best to ignore the many dripping sounds coming from the ceiling, I head towards the kitchen to find something for breakfast. "Just my luck!" I say, opening the cabinet "Bran Crunch! The worst cereal in Equestria!" I take out a bowl and pour the cereal in. As I open the fridge, I find that the milk is spoiled and unusable. This will make the cereal taste even worse.
After my disgusting breakfast, I head over to the bathroom to at least try and look decent for work. That's tough. Whenever I wake up my mane is like a haphazardly thrown-together pile of hair. I do my best to comb it, but to no avail. As I head over to the shower to not smell like barf, the water is as cold as ice. Thanks, Freeze, for making my life the worst.
After my chilling shower, I find it is already time to go to work. I only have five minutes to get there before Celestia has my butt in the streets without a job. I run over to the castle as quickly as I can, with about a minute to spare. Celestia is there waiting for me impatiently. "Late again, are we?" she asks. I take it as a rhetorical question. "Anyway, ninjas have infested the basement, again , and I need you to exterminate them. Also, Luna accidentally spilled her coffee in the hallway outside her room. Clean it up, please. Finally, I need you to clean all the stained glass. All this needs to be done by tomorrow or we'll be looking at some serious issues!" she walks off. I swear, I wanna give her a swift kick in the face sometimes.
I head to my "office", I guess you could call it that. All it is is a small closet with all the crap I need to take care of ninjas, coffee stains, and stained glass. And other stuff too, like my uniform and my headphones. Ugh, I hate my uniform. It smells like mothballs, and I occasionally find a cockroach in there. Also, it chafes me. My headphones do give me some comfort at least. I grab all my gear and head to the basement.
Man, I hate going down there. The basement is like the giant maw of a dragon. It's old, smelly, and dark. I find the light switch after a good minute of wandering aimlessly through the darkness. When I flick it on, I see about ten humanoid creatures in black outfits congregated in a circle. They stop whatever they were doing and look at me. That's when they hide. There's only one way to get ninjas, and that is by letting them come to you. How do you do this? Put out some shurikens in the middle of the floor and they come running to admire the steel. Sometimes, they throw them at me, but not too often. I catch them all after a while and start to wonder if I should put them in Celestia's room.
A huge smile comes over my face. It hurts, because I don't smile very much, but it would be very funny and great revenge. Then I think about what would happen. I can't afford to get fired. So, I chuck them out of a castle window and they hurtle one thousand feet off the mountainside castle. "And stay out!" I scream. Now, to do the next chore. Cleaning out Luna's mistake.
Now, let me tell you something. So Luna seems like she's the one who is kind and all that stuff. Wrong! She's very mean to ponies (especially janitors) and is possibly the only pony not smarter than me. Sorry to Luna fans, but in this story she is. Deal with it. So I head to the hallway, and, speak of the devil, there is her royal butt cheek herself. She's just standing there, I guess waiting for me or something. "I have been waiting all day for you to come and clean this coffee stain!" she yells. I think to myself: What, do you think when I clean the stain, it'll pop back into your cup? . I giggle to myself quietly. So, here I am, cleaning up this coffee stain in this rug with Princess Butt Cheek standing over me with an angry look on her face. After I clean up her entire accident, she walks off, possibly getting another cup of coffee to spill it on the rug again.
Now, for my last task of the day which will take all day and lead into tomorrow: cleaning the stained glass. When I enter the hall, Princess Celestia is in there doing something. I never know what she's up to, but I can only guess that she's plotting to take over the world or something like that with the Elements of Harmony. Anyway, I do what I'm supposed to, cleaning the windows. I turn on my music as I listen to Octavia play her cello. It soothes me, and I notice I start to clean to the music. I guess Princess Celestia noticed, and thought it was a distraction. So guess what? She took away my music and then she started to listen to it. Like I said, sometimes she's a butt like her sister.
When my day has ended, I clock out. Yeah, noticed how I never said anything about lunch? I don't get a lunch break. So by the time I get home, not only am I exhausted from cleaning out coffee mistakes, but am so hungry, I could eat a horse. Wait, cannibalism is illegal. So, I settle with some more delicious Bran Crunch. Yum. After that, I set my alarm again and go to bed in my moldy, uncomfortable bed. The next day, I'll do it all again and I'll probably have to clean out another coffee stain.
Aw well.
Author's Note: Hey guys! Tell me what you think about this story. If you like it, tell me why, and vice versa. I love to hear feedback!
-Freeze
The Janitor of Canterlot Castle
Silent Lessons with Silent Chuck
As yet another grueling day has ended, I head over to my bed eager to get some sleep. I'm really hungry, but I could give a crap about Bran Crunch again. Today wasn't too bad, at least. I only had one run-in with Princess Butt Cheek, which was in the hallway. She surprisingly was able to get the cup to her mouth this time! I was also able to finish cleaning the stained glass. Luckily, Princess Celestia wasn't there to take away my classical music. So, it was overall a fairly good day.
I lay down in my rock of a bed. As my eye lids start to meet 'n greet the other part of my eye, I hear a loud noise. "Couch Potato..." I whisper. I know I can't do anything about it, because then he'll just scream "I HAVE RIGHTS!!!" and slam the door on me. Thankfully, I was able to buy a pair of high-quality ear muffs. I've been saving up for those just for this moment. I put them on and.... complete silence. I gently fall into a deep sleep.
The same as other mornings, I am awoken by my noisy alarm clock. I do my usual morning routine as I would before I go to work. Right when I am about to try and make my hair look nice, I notice: IT'S SATURDAY!!!!
I head down the street and into the dark alleyway. I tap the door three times and again after five seconds. Silent Chuck slips a note underneath the door saying "McPlooty!" Why McPlooty? That's what he calls me. I have no idea why he does, but that's what he always slips under the door. It's like his version of "Come in!"
I walk into the musty Warehouse filled with cobwebs from head to toe. About a million cardboard boxes are everywhere. "The Warehouse" was a warehouse at some point, until the company went bankrupt or something like that. In the middle of the room is an old computer on top of a cardboard box. Next to it is Silent Chuck, in his Fedora and trench coat. Many of you maybe asking, "What does Silent Chuck look like?" and stuff like that. To be honest, I have no idea. I don't know if he's a unicorn, pegasus, or earth pony. I don't know his cutie mark, his mane color. I do know he has gray fur. I don't know the color of his eyes, as he also wears huge sunglasses.
I sit down in front of the computer. Silent Chuck slips me a note explaining some basic programming for the game we've been working on. I'm not going to explain what it says, because you may not know it. (Also, the author of this story doesn't know any coding) So, I do as the note says following every step. During this entire process, he slips me about three other notes, telling me about mistakes and tips. I do wish he never got his tongue cut off.
I finish the last line of code, and Silent Chuck slips me yet another note. "Alright! Great! We're all finished with the coding for the game! Now, we need to work on graphic... " I forgot about graphics. I know that's usually the designer's job, but Silent Chuck is teaching me both skills. "SC, I don't wanna! You know I can't draw worth a crap!" I say like a two-year old child. I can only assume he looks at me stubbornly and he slips me another note: "Pillows, do the graphics! I mean, I'm not asking you to do 3D graphics or anything, just pixels! " I cross my front legs and look away. Yeah, I can be really stubborn sometimes.
"How 'bout this? If you can beat me in a Kafoodle fight, I'll do the graphics. " Challenge accepted. What's a Kafoodle fight? Again, Silent Chuck makes up a lot of stuff. Not just words, but so much stuff as well. So a Kafoodle fight is a one-on-one fight with another pony. You get to choose from two weapons: a potato or a candy cane. Potato is used for long range while a candy cane is used for close combat. The pony who wins is the one who doesn't get hit by the candy cane or potato in one minute.
I choose the candy cane. This isn't your average candy cane. This is possibly the world's longest candy cane. I examine it, making sure it is clean and safe to use. It is always important to examine your candy cane before fighting. One guy lost his eye and ear in one of these fights using an unsafe candy cane. I'll spare you the details. I see that Silent Chuck chose the potato. You have to be a master to use a potato, as you only get one and you have to retrieve it if you miss. SC nods at me, telling me to start the countdown. "3,2,1...GO!!!" I yell. We charge at each other.
He throws the potato at me. I dodge it successfully. And he does the same when I try to strike him. Using his... Silent Chuck powers, I guess, he jumps over me and retrieves his potato. I try to strike again, but he yet again dodges. He then uses a move that can be very effective, but it also costs you: he slices his potato eight times, and throws the slices at me all at once. He's screwed. I dodge all of them. I charge with my candy cane over to him, but he puts a hoof out and stops me. He points at my mane. There's a potato wedge in it. "CRAP!!!" I say.
Well, that's what this day has been like so far. I know it may seem boring for you guys, but I find it really fun. Hey, it's the only happy thing in my life. Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to go draw horrible graphics.
Author's Note: The next chapter won't be for a while, so hang tight, guys!
-Freeze
The Janitor of Canterlot Castle
I feel as if I've rushed you into this story too quickly. You may be asking, "Why are you're parents insane?" or "What is your education?" or "Do you have any Peptobismal?". No, I don't have any Pepto.
Anyway, my life began in the world's most crappiest way: I was born in a toilet. My mom was giving birth while taking a crap. So that sucked. So, my mom or dad can't be left alone at all. Why? Because like I said, they're in the nut house. They somehow were able to have me, and then I was taken by the scruff of my neck by an orderly to a foster home. So, I pretty much stayed there my entire life. I went to school there, ate there, pooped there; everything. The place was like my house, moldy and very bad smelling. The people who were supposed to take care of you were as evil and stupid as Luna. There was not a single thing positive about that place.
Finally, after many years of staying at that dump, I was old enough to move out. I didn't hesitate at all; seeing as I made no friends or had any fun there at all. I still had a blank flank. Yes, imagine a young colt with no cutie mark. People pointed at me and sometimes snickered. Besides that point, I was thinking that the outside world would be so much happier. I was wrong.
My first night in the outside world was the worst. I had to sleep on a cold hard bench that night because I didn't have any money. The next day, thankful that I didn't die of hypothermia, I head out to look for a job. Now, the only education I ever got was at the foster home, and that place didn't have stellar education. So, they only taught ponies until high school. So that means no fancy job for me.
I set off looking for a job. My first job was at the Wheat Hut. It basically sells fatty, fried food to people like Couch Potato. I got fired within two days because I got really mad at the manager and spilled fry oil all over her. Yeah... well, I got my paycheck which was at least enough to buy a house to sleep in. I still live in it.
I knew that I needed to get yet another job, so then I find that Canterlot Castle needs a janitor. They got stuck with me. Apparently the old janitor died or something like that, so they needed a new one. When I got there, the place was already infested with ninjas from head to toe and the rugs had like a million coffee stains on them and Celestia couldn't concentrate on trying to conquer to whole world! So, after nine straight days of work, I was able to clean the castle and restore it to it's normal order. I guess Celestia thought I was like a god or something, so she gave me a medal. I sold it.
Anyway, I still have a blank flank and I'm just taking the day off. I'm bored as crap, so I decide to go somewhere and use the money I got from selling that medal. I find this place called the arcade. I head inside and I was amazed. Flashing lights! Loud noises! Kids whining at their parents because they don't want to go! I run over to the nearest machine to give me game tokens. I grab all that I can and run over to the nearest arcade game. It was called Pony Man. Basically its this game where you control Pony Man. The goal is to eat all the hay on the screen in this maze thing. Also, you have to avoid parasprites. Luckily, if you eat a tuba, you can eat the parasprites or something like that.
After many hours of playing the game, I was able to get a high score. "YES! Number one! I got it, I got it!" somepony then came over to me and said "That's not the only thing you got." he pointed to my rump. On there was a video game controller. My cutie mark. This was the first (and probably last) time I had ever felt so happy and smiled to hard. I may smile occasionally, but not like I did there. I smiled so hard that doctors had to put my jaw back on.
So, feeling pretty content, I head back to my house and just lay in my bed. I think about how wonderful today had been and I slowly start drifting into sleep. I am woken up by a loud noise. I look at my alarm clock. It's about five hours until it rings. I try to see if Couch Potato is watching TV. No, he went to bed or died. I then notice that someone is knocking on my door. I open it, and standing there is a pony in a fedora, sun glasses, and a trench coat. I invite him inside.
This is when I meet Silent Chuck. When I met him, he did have his tongue chopped off. So, he wrote me notes. He said that he saw that I beat his high score at Pony Man. He promised to himself that if anypony was able to beat him, he would give them game programming lessons. I agreed. On the outside I was like: "Yeah, cool, whatever." But on the inside, I was like: "AW YEAH! YES! YES! YES! I'M GONNA BE ABLE TO MAKE VIDEO GAMES!"
And after many days of lessons at the Warehouse and many days of work, we are where we are now. Me trying my best to make graphics because I lost a Kafoodle fight. Silent Chuck looks at his watch and writes me a note saying: "I have to go home, see ya next Saturday." he starts to walk towards the door when his trench coat get stuck on a box. It come off. I can't believe who it is.
Authors Note: ... and that's why he's called Cliff Hanger! I don't know when the next chapter will be. I was rushed on this chapter as it is because I'm very busy at the moment. So hang tight!
The Janitor of Canterlot Castle
I was in disbelief. For this entire year the only things I knew about Silent Chuck was that he was a wanted fugitive and that he didn't have a tongue. But this.... THIS doesn't add up at all. I've heard the pony talk before; I've seen the pony before. And she has been right under my nose this entire time. Yes, that's right, Silent Chuck is Silent Chuckette, I guess you could say.
I couldn't manage a single word. My brain was running at a million miles per hour; thinking of about a million questions. Okay, I think you've suffered enough. After a good couple seconds of eerie silence, I manage a word. "O...Oc...Octavia?" Yes, that's right, Octavia. The pony perfectly capable of speaking and is not a wanted fugitive. She is a simple, fancy, cello player living in the nicer parts of Canterlot. Even though the trench coat had only fallen off; I recognized her cutie mark immediantly.
After another awkward silence, she bows her head and takes off her disguise. Her eyes are closed and she looks disappointed. "I... I don't understand." I manage. I mean, out of all ponies, the one that I admire from afar was my mentor. Also, how come she knew about programming? And... and how did she get killer ninja moves? "I mean.... it just doesn't add up!" I add.
After yet another silence which I am starting to hate, she starts to speak in a quiet, depressed voice. "Now you know my true identity, Pillows. So please, I must ask you, I must beg
She was obviously hysterical and not making much sense. "So what if ponies see you playing video games? They aren't going to think less of you." She looked at me again with those same sad eyes. "But.... but I know they will. I mean, l...look at you." That hit me hard. I guess she thinks that video games make ponies seem like they're worthless. I think to myself. I knew I had to do something to help Octavia get over her fear of video game playing in public. "Octavia, I know they won't think lesser of you. I mean, you're the best cellist in Equestria! So why would anypony care if you play video games?" She just ignored me and kept sobbing. "Well then, if you won't conquer your fear, then I'll help you do it!" I say triumphantly. "Bu...but you can't make m..me do it." "Oh yes I can! I can put the next ninja infestation in your house!" It looked like Octavia just pooed herself.
"Yo.. you wouldn't!" she looked at me in disbelief. "Oh, yes I would! I know where you live!" Maybe I did that a little too harshly.... and a little bit too much like a creeper. Why? Because she started to cry again. "Octavia! Snap out of it! It's not that big of a deal! Just please work with me! Next time I'm here, we can go to the arcade and play all the video games we want! Without a disguise." I really didn't know anything else to say. I've pretty much been repeating the same thing in hopes she'll work with me. She bows her head again. "Fi...fine. I guess you do owe me something, what with all the lessons I've given you." Thank Celestia, she's sane again.
"That's another thing, where'd you learn programming?" I asked. "Oh, well, when video games came out, I bought a book called "Programming for Dum-Dums." Then I learned everything there is to know. And then, of course, I made the alter ego, Silent Chuck, to hide the fact I play video games. And then I met you and then here we are today." she said softly. After a few more hours of minor question involving personal matters, we had agreed to meet each other here next Saturday to go to the arcade.
"Bye Octavia! See ya next week!" I said as I walked down the alley. I get to my apartment to find that its already eleven forty-seven! I usually go to bed at nine since I have work in the morning! I quickly get into bed, dawn my earmuffs, and try to go to sleep. But I can't. I keep thinking of how Silent Chuck was Octavia, and all about next week when we go to the arcade. Then I realized: "Wait, are we going on a date?"
Author's Note: Sorry this chapter was a lot shorter than most. I really only wanted it to reveal who SC was, and that was it. Next chapter should be coming your way tomorrow or next week. Either way, stay tuned! :D
The Janitor of Canterlot Castle
Yet another grueling week passes by as fast as the Thunderbolts. It was filled with the usual coffee stains and ninjas; the only other thing was I had to unclog the Golden Toilet of Unforgettable Amazing Awesomeness That Has A Really Long Name In Celestia's Bathroom. So yeah. Great week if you love labor that causes bad back aches and muscle cramps.
Anyway, I do my usual morning crap, squeal cause its Saturday and head out the door to the Warehouse. I check my watch to make sure it was the correct time. I do the usual secret knock and the door opens. Standing there is Octavia, but in her Silent Chuck outfit. I slam my hoof into my face. Ouch. "Octavia, I thought we agreed you would come to the arcade without your alias' outfit!" She blushed and turned her head. "Take it off." I command. I takes a few more minutes of persuading and arguing, but she becomes regular Octavia again with her collar or whatever that thing is.
As we start to walk to the arcade, I notice that Octavia is walking a ways away from me. I then realize she is making it look like we are not together on this mission. I defy what she wants and walk right up next to her. She doesn't notice me, so I say "Boo." She jumps. "Don't do that!" she yells angrily "I'm nervous enough as it is!" I ignore her and keep walking beside her, even if she tries to walk away from me.
After what seems like forever, we finally reach Le Arcade du Fancy McPantsiness. At least, that's what I called it. In reality, it was called Fatty George's Fat Filled Pizza Shack and Arcade. But doesn't what I call it sound better? Anyway, I walk in as casually as can be and deposit a few coins into the machine to get some tokens. I look around for Octavia and she is doing her best to not be noticed by any of her fans. I hand her half of the tokens and we walk over to Pony Man.
I deposit my token and she does the same as she gulps and looks around nervously. The game starts. Now, I'm gonna be honest. I'm not gonna say she was able to beat me by using some hidden power up to kill me and everything else in the maze. I'm not gonna say she was able to get all the points you can get in one round before I could even move. What I will say is that she was so nervous that she was shaking her fore hoof very much. Thus making the controller go all crazy and making her lose at every corner. I was able to beat her in thirty seconds flat.
"Octavia! Just relax! Don't you remember what I told you at the Warehouse? Just be calm and play like you had that disguise on." I don't know what the heck is wrong with that pony, but it takes a crap ton of persuading just to get her to calm the fudge down. I mean, dear Celestia! Anyway, this seemed to calm her down, as she was starting to get more points. By the third round, she had gotten 500000000 points. I was amazed.
We were having the time of our lives. Or at least, I was. This is possibly the most fun I've had in my entire life. Anyway, after a few more rounds, we got bored of it and went to other games. A fan of Octavia had spotted her, and she didn't even care! I was very happy about this. After a few hours of playing, we went to go and eat some fatty pizza. I decided to be a gentleman and buy the meal. I mean, it was only one bit for the entire pizza.
"I must say, this is the most fun I've had in ages!" said Octavia chomping down on her pizza slice. I smiled and continued eating. I was very content right now; I mean, I was able to go on a date with a popular cellist, eat pizza that tasted kinda crappy, and when I smiled during all of this, it didn't hurt. On the outside I just had a small smile on my face but on the inside, it was like New Years all up in there.
Very soon, it was getting late and we decided it would be best to go home. I said goodbye to Octavia but she didn't do the same. I looked around and she was right next to me. "I thought you were going home." I said, very confused. "Well.... I was kinda wondering... if I could possibly come to your house?" My heart must have got a pogo stick or something, because it wound up inside my mouth. "Uh... um. dee... dah." She looked a little depressed "Oh, I understand if I can't come." she gave me big puppy eyes. Could anyone say no to that? So I said yes. Score 1 for Pillows the low life.
Author's Note: I'm really sorry guys. This chapter probably isn't really good. I agree with you. I think I have hit writer's block or just need a little break from writing. I just didn't want to keep you guys waiting for the next chapter. That being said, I don't know when the next one will be. Anyway, see ya around!
-Freeze
The Janitor of Canterlot Castle
I flicked on the moldy switch and the light slowly, but surely, flickered on to reveal the Celestia forsaken place known as my home. Octavia walks in and she appears like she is trying her best not to touch the floor of the apartment. I even thought I heard her say "I wish I were a pegasus right now." under her breath. After finally settling down and getting used to the many insects happily crawling around my floor she says "It's.... lovely?"
"Eh, I know it isn't a mansion, but it's home crappy home." I jump onto my sofa and pat on the cushion next to me. Octavia looks at me and asks "Is it safe to sit on?" I respond "I'm not dead, am I?" She slowly sits her rump on the couch and takes a sigh of relief that she didn't get attacked by rabid raccoons in the process. I find the remote in its usual place, the arm, and flick on my old television. Unlike Couch Potato, I don't turn my volume all the way up.
The television turns on and its on the news. I try my best to find a channel that has something not as boring as a freakin' rock. Guess what? Not a single thing fun on. After a few more boring minutes of trying to find a program that had at least the fun of watching paint dry, my TV said "Screw you, buddy!" and totally crapped out on me. Octavia looked shocked. "Don't worry, I barely use the thing anyway."
On the outside, I looked as solid and calm as Chuck Pony Norris fighting a whole armada of Changelings. On the inside, it was more like this:
"Oh craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap! What the heck am I gonna do?!?!? I don't wanna bore the heckles out of Octavia! Quick, Pillows, think of something; say something!"
"So Octavia, ya like Bran Crunch?" And then my brain said: What the heck was that? You're possibly the world's biggest retard! "Hey, you're the one who makes me the retard, retard. That shut it up. I was afraid to look at Octavia, dreading she would slap me or something. Hey, she went all crazy when I found out who Silent Chuck was, so I don't know what to expect. All she did was giggle. A great sigh of relief.
After a while, we decide just to chat for a bit and then we call it a night. As I head to my bed and but my ear muffs on, I see that Octavia is still here, looking over me. "It's so late and I don't want to be caught out at this time." She just smiles with the biggest of grin at me. My heart was beating so fast I thought I was having a heart attack. I slid over and she crawls inside. Now I think my heart has popped and I'm internally bleeding.
I wake up the next morning extremely happy. I made certain to wake up before her and shut off my alarm. I then do my usual morning routine as I get ready to go to work. During all of this, I keep checking to see if she has woken up yet. Soon, it comes time to go to work, and I decide I must wake up Octavia.
"Octavia. Octavia. Octavia! OCTAVIA!" I yell as I push on her with my fore hooves. She slowly opens her eyes and yawns as she says "Good morning." Now, to be honest, the greatest cellist in all of Equestria looks like she put her hair through a taffy machine. "Hey, you can get ready and all that stuff here, but I gotta go to work right now! Bye!" I say as I walk out the door.
Yet another grueling day trudges on past. I return home to find my usual surroundings. No wait. Something seems different. It smells different, it tastes different, it hears different, it sees different! The whole place looks brand new, and there isn't a single blemish anywhere. My eyes set upon Octavia as she jumps up and says "Surprise!" I think my jaw hit the floor. "You did all of this?" She smiles and nods.
Everything is spotless. Not a thing of mold in sight. The bathroom is impeccable and actually works! The kitchen is stocked with more than just Brand Crunch and everything works! The bed doesn't smell of mold, and actually works! She even went out and bought a new TV that gets a trillion channels. "Octavia, I don't know how to repay you; heck, I don't know what to say!"
"Don't. I don't want anything in return." At this point she had come into my personal bubble. And that's when it happened. Her lips touched my lips. It was wonderful. My entire body was filled with a warmness that was indescribable. When she was finished, all she did was say "Good night, Pillows." and walked out the door. I was still standing there. My lips were longing for more. My heart had surely stopped. My brain had gone on vacation. I was about the same as a vegetable at that moment.
Even though my brain was gone, it left a note saying: "I think you got a girlfriend."
Author's Note: Do you think this chapter was better than my previous ones? I would love for you guys to rate them!
-Freeze
The Janitor of Canterlot Castle
Magical Apartments Mean Magical Chores
That night, I slept. But not like every night; that night I slept with a sense of security that I wouldn't wake up to a moldy smell and find cockroaches trying to eat my skin. It's happened.
Of course, my apartment never looked so sterile to where you could eat off the floor. When I bought it, it was just how I had kept it all these years. Moldy, smelly, in disrepair. Despite me living is such crappy conditions for so long, I have always tried to be as clean as possible. Heck, I even tried walking on my hind legs so that I could eat with my clean fore hooves. And guess what? All that got me was a trip to the hospital and a bad headache in the morning.
Going back to the present, seeing as no one seems to have time to go for a trip down memory lane (well except old ponies) we'll start with me waking up. I was expecting my annoying alarm clock to wake me up but in its place was a high-tech alarm clark called Technee. Nearly scared the living crap out of me. I was in dream land, dreaming about wonderous things when, all of a sudden, I hear the loudest freakin' digital alarm sound ever. I literally fell out of bed. "How do I turn the darn thing off!" I scream. I finally find an instruction manual in the night stand drawer. "Turn off the alarm!"
"Good morning, Pillows. It is currently 4:05 a.m. The forecast for today will be Sunny, with cloud cover coming in late afternoon.
After my breakfast, I rush over to the bathroom to see what its like. Only one word describes it: ":D" I don't know how else to put it. When you flush the toilet, it splashes your butt with water. When you do brush your teeth, you can press a button to get a cup that fills with mouthwash. The shower has too many buttons, but I was able to figure them all out in a timely manner.
After all of these amazing experiences, I find that have a whole whopping hour until I have to go to work. So then I sit down on the couch, and I don't even look at TV. I just keep thinking about how she did all this. What, was she Extreme Makeover: Amazing Edition? How did she do all this in one single day? Heck, how did she afford all of this? Well, she is a world famous cellist. True, true. But still, its amazing how she was able to accomplish this feat.
My eyes set upon a DVD case on my new coffee table. The cover reads: "Extreme Makeover: Pillows Edition" Eh, I was close. I slap the disc into my player and it amazed me. The thing was only two minutes long! Two minutes of renovation? Or two minutes of senseless talking about the renovation that no pony cares about. I hit 'play' and standing there is Octavia. She says to the camera: "Today, Pillows, we are giving your apartment some touch ups! And we have someone very special here who is going to help us. Do you have a few words?" The camera comes upon an alicorn.
My heart skips a beat and I pause the video. "WHAT WAS MY BOSS DOING IN MY CRAPPY APARTMENT?!?!" I was freaking out as to what the heck she was going to say about me. I press the 'play' button as if it were a venomous snake and Princess Celestia says: "Though Pillows is late sometimes, and does some things I am not happy with at work, he keeps my castle sparkling clean. So that is why, Pillows, Octavia and I have decided that you deserve a little present." She does some of her weird magic crap and there is a bright shining light that envelops the entire screen. Afterwards, my apartment looks like it is currently.
The alicorn looks at the camera yet again. "Pillows, this is your gift for being such a good janitor. Don't worry about anything with your home, I have made it self-cleaning and self-restocking. I still expect you to be at work tomorrow." the video ends there. "Well she's a buzz kill." I say. I mean, dear her! She gives me the biggest present in all of present history and she says "You need to be at work tomorrow." I then decide its best to just try to forget about all this magic apartment crap and go to work a few minutes early.
I do my usual self-schedule; clock-in and go to my closet. I guess the Princess was too busy taking over the world, so she left a note on my uniform. I got angry quickly. The list was impossible to do in three days! Here's what it said:
Dear Pillows,
I have gone away to do some 'personal business' and I need you to take over a few of my simple non-magical duties for me. As well as some of your duties. Princess Luna is too ignorant to do my chores. Here it is:
Clean out the public bathroom. It's infested with ninjas and a pony had a large bout of magical explosive diarrhea.
There are a lot of coffee stains on the rugs in the hall between the kitchen and Luna's Room. Clean them.
Take inventory of my supplies. My supply closet is in my bedroom. Touch a single thing in there and you're fired.
Go to the post office and send the letters to the leaders of foreign countries.
Luna was somehow able to break her toilet again. It's on fire and needs to be replaced. Actually, do this chore first.
That's all that I have for you. I expect all of this to be done in three days, which is when I get back.
-Princess Celestia.
Dear my boss! That's way too much to do in only a few days! The one's I'm most concerned about are numbers one, two, three, four, and five. Wait, that's all of them. But yeah! I've made my point. Here's why these will all take so long.
Number one will be hard because the public bathrooms get filthy way too easily, and ninjas seem to infest the place a lot more often and in larger numbers. And magical explosive diarrhea is literally explosive . Some ponies' butts have flown off from it! This means there's gonna be a huge black spot all over the stall, and a lot of cleaning. Number two is hard because that alicorn spills coffee way too many times on that rug. Number three I'm expecting to be hard because I've heard Celestia's supply closet is extremely hugely gigantic. Number four is hard because mailing letters to foreign leaders requires you to put all the letters in the proper slot. And she has a lot of letters. And number five is difficult because I'll have to lug a toilet to Luna's room from Celestia's supply closet.
So, don't expect anything really exciting next chapter.
The Janitor of Canterlot Castle
Oh Celestia. I wasn't gonna like this one bit. I decided the best thing to do first was to get the flaming crapper out of Luna's bedroom first. How somepony is capable of setting a porcelain bowl on fire I will never know, and don't want to find out.
I knock on her door and hear her annoying voice say "COME IN!". After that, I hear the spilling of coffee on a carpet. I wasn't prepared for what was inside. Her entire room was one giant coffee stain; her bed was soggy, her curtains were soggy, her everything was soggy. I just stood there with my mouth open. "I CAN CLEAN IT UP!" she screamed, hopelessly dabbing at her dresser with a cloth.
I just ignore her stupidity and head into her bathroom with the fire extinguisher. Let me say right now, this fire must be like the eternal flame or something. It has been burning at full strength for over twenty four hours. After I extinguish the eternal porce-flame, I notice her bathroom. It too is a giant coffee stain. "How much coffee does this idiot try to drink in one day?" I think to myself. I then put the new toilet into its rightful place, and polish it off with a dirty rag, making small smudge marks on the seat. Sit your butt on that, stupid. I head out the bathroom, and Luna has made the smallest dent in her dresser.
That only took about forty minutes. Good, I'm shooting for time to get this done early. I then move my attention to the ninja-infested, poop-exploded restroom. I'm trying to get the dirty jobs out of the way, if you can't tell. As I walk in, I see sleek tile floors, pungent stalls, and slightly dirty sinks. In the center of the restroom, as usual, are the ninjas. Again, I wasn't prepared for this. The ninjas had crapped all over the place, as well as peeing on it, too. They cleaned out their bowls and bladder everywhere except the toilets. Little pieces of crap. The situation was even worse when I counted about fifty ninjas. Of course, when I walked in, they had scurried all over the place. "Time to get to work."
I throw a single shuriken on the floor and about ten dive for it. I grab my net and scoop all but one of them up. The one I didn't get got the star, but I grabbed him with my teeth anyway. He was struggling, and even cut me with the shuriken on my cheek in the process. Got to fix that later. I throw them out the window, and then tend to my cheek. The wound is pretty deep, but I wash it with soap and water anyway, and put a bandage over it. Now to deal with the other retards. Now, I didn't tell you this, but they also love sushi. But, sushi is rare, seeing as ponies are herbivores and fish are sentient like us. Luckily, I know a guy who knows a girl who knows her husband who knows his uncle who knows this guy's grandpa who knows this guy's cannibal who knows this guy's lumberjack who got me a big bag of sushi. In the process, and I quote, he called me a "Stinkin' little, good fer nothin' carnivore." The twenty bits shut him up.
So, I throw about five pieces in the middle of the room, they scurry towards it, and I catch them then throw them out the window. I repeat this until they're all gone. One of my friends, whose name is Gremlin, asked me where all the ninjas come from. I just told them they spawn from little demon rats that live in the sewers and basements. To be honest? I have no idea. They just sorta pop up everywhere in the castle.
Anyway, I got to the stall with the turd-covered walls. It reeked like my old teacher at the orphanage. There was poo everywhere you could think; in the toilet, out of the toilet, on the toiler paper, on the ceiling, anywhere that poop could land on. I began to scrub it with a large cloth and a mask on. The stink was still too bad for me, and I was tearing the whole way through the process. Finally, after four whole hours, FOUR WHOLE HOURS OF SCRUBBING DOO DOO OFF OF EVERYTHING, I was finished. That toilet probably looked brand new and was there for another pony to crap all over. I look at the clock on the wall, and see I have about an hour left until I go home. Might as well get started on those coffee stains in Luna's hallway.
So I do that. Nothing much happens, really, except that Luna gets some coffee and spills it right on the spot I just cleaned. Sometimes I think she does it on purpose.
After that one hour of vigorously scrubbing out Luna's oopsies, I hear the quitin' bell and clock out. I go home, to my wonderful apartment, and eat some more Ponytarts before going to bed. I just went straight to bed; I was that tired. Day one of my mission is complete.
As per usual, my alarm clock woke me up, and I got ready for work and such. Nothing amazing happens during the mornings, so why bother really describing them?
Getting to the meat of this sandwich we call a story, I arrived at work an hour early, as there wasn't a single thing on television. Damn infomercials. I clocked in, dawned my uniform, and went back to the hallway between Luna's bedroom and the kitchen. I have now dubbed it "The Coffee Hallway", as there are too many coffee stains to count. I turned the corner into the Coffee Hallway, and I dropped my bucket and sponge. By some retarded miracle, Luna was able to stain the entire carpet over night. No way in hell I'm cleaning all that.
I went to Celestia's supply closet to get another rug. I did as the letter instructed, and didn't touch a single thing in her bedroom but the floor and the door to the closet. I decided that I might as well take inventory now, since I'm here. I opened the door to closet, and it was actually smaller than the rumors suggested. It was literally just as small as my "office". There was a simple slot in the far wall, about as big as my head. There was a touch pad next to it, that looked all futuristic.
The touch pad had only a couple options to choose from: Take Inventory and Get an Item. I touched 'Take Inventory' with my front hoof, and a loading screen popped up. In a matter of mere seconds, it reached 100%, and an automated voice, much like my alarm clock, spoke from some unknown source "Inventory complete. No items are needed presently." This is some pretty cool technology going on right here! Either that, or its magical. I could care less.
After I took inventory, I hit "Get an Item". The same automated voice came on. "What item would you like to receive?" A tile in the ceiling slid open, and a microphone supported by a metal pole came down in front of my face. "Uh... hallway carpet?" I said hesitantly. The same exact carpet from the Coffee Hallway appeared in the slot. I simply grabbed it, and put it on my back.
I trotted back into the Coffee Hallway, and stopped when I saw Luna with some coffee in her magical aurora. I hid behind the corner, as I was curious to see what she does with it. She was about to reach her room, when she tripped over air. Air, I tell you! She lost her concentration, and the coffee spilled on the already soiled rug. She looked down and said "Mr. Slippers! Why thou trippest me?" All of a sudden, a striped purple cat materialized out of thin air. Hey, that cat seems familiar... "Why thou comest from thy Alice in Wonderland book? I shall never know the answer, I presume..." The cat jumped on to her back, and he looked in my direction. His tail then wrapped around his ears, and he took them off like a hat, while having a giant, yellow smile. I whispered to myself "I don't wanna know." And began to work on replacing the carpet in the Coffee Hallway.
Since that was finished, I simply had to mail the letters to other leaders of countries. I found the letters sitting on a desk in my office, and I put them in a saddle bag she left out for me as well. I then exited the castle, going to the post office.
There's only one small post office in all of Canterlot, and many citizens have been demanding that either the post office gets bigger, or another one be constructed in its place. Sadly, the complaints that Celestia has been getting all get torn up by ninjas in the castle's mail room. Now it makes sense why she never wanted my to get rid of those ninjas!
I arrived at the post office, and began to place the letters into their proper spots. I waved at the post pony as I left the building, because I think he was an orphan like me many years ago. Anywho, I begin to walk back to the castle. By now, it's already five o'clock, and the sun is beginning to set. I make it back to castle safely, and realize I finished all those chores in only a matter of two days. I decide I should check the Coffee Hallway to make sure Luna hasn't spilled anymore coffee, and she hasn't. The door to her room is slightly ajar.
I know I shouldn't, but I peek inside. Luna is sitting on her balcony, watching the last brilliant rays of the sun as they set. She is petting the odd cat I saw earlier today, sitting in silence. I begin to leave when she says "You know, 'tis rude to linger in thy doorways. Please come sittest by me."
Well, I officially feel awkward. I walk in and sit by the alicorn, watching the sun as well. Somewhere on this earth, there is another alicorn controlling that sun with her awesome magic. And that's how I end my day, I sit next to Luna, watching the sun set.
The Janitor of Canterlot Castle
It was two in the morning on a Saturday when I was rudely awoken by a knock at my door. While, of course, I didn't have work that day, I still want to enjoy my days off rested and relaxed. I groggily got out of my bed and rubbed my eyes, making my way to the door while yawning as well. There was another knock, and I replied "Yeah, yeah! I'm comin'!" You can't expect to wake ponies up at two a.m. and they dash to the door.
I open the door, and standing there wide awake is Octavia, and for some reason, she has a smile on her face. "What?" I ask impatiently.
"Well Pillows, I do realize its early, but this is the only time suitable for me that I can talk to you. See, I have a big concert tonight at the Royal Canterlot Concert Hall, performing with a famous orchestra from all around Equestria. I have here..." She pulls out a concert ticket from her saddle bag. "A balcony seat for you tonight at seven. And after that, perhaps we could go grab some supper?"
She hands me the ticket. "Thank you, this is all very nice, but why this early? You know I barely get enough sleep as it is." I walk over to the kitchen and get myself some coffee.
"Well, I'm rehearsing all throughout the day starting at eight. I know that's usually when you wake up on Saturdays, so I needed to get to you early. Oh, and you will be there, right?" I nod my head while taking a sip of coffee. It's not like I have to go save the world, or anything. "Great! See you at seven." I smile back and wave goodbye.
Seeing as I was wide awake, I just went about my morning needs by feeding myself breakfast, taking a shower, and finally finding something formal to wear. Luckily, after Celestia remodeled the apartment, she added a fully-stocked, magical closet. It had just about anything for just about anything. Need a fancy tux? It's in there. Need something casual? Look around and its there. Looking for a hot dog costume? It's not there. Hot dogs don't exist. We're herbivores.
After finishing all these small tasks, it's only about six a.m. So, I just kinda do what I want to around the apartment, mostly just trying to kill time for tonight's concert. It doesn't work, sadly, as I got bored after twenty minutes.
I decided it was best to leave the apartment and do something in Canterlot for a change. See, I really don't do much outside of work, my apartment, and video game programming lessons. I've always just been a hermit my entire life, and I blame it mostly on my childhood in the foster house. Their motto was practically "Going outside is for chumps." Well, that's me exaggerating. Their real motto was "Going outside is for dummies."
Anywho, I made my way down the street and over into the richer part of Canterlot. Where I live, there's much more crime (about two crimes committed per month) and everything isn't as nice. I enter the commercial district of the rich area, and all I see is gleaming store fronts, clean roads, and snobbish ponies with their heads held high. Some scoff at me, as I am without clothes and have an exposed game controller cutie mark. Most higher class ponies are quite weird when it comes to wearing clothes. But you'd think they'd try to hide their... um... parts .
Moving on. I headed down the bright cobblestone street, stopping to view the merchandise in the stores every once and a while. I can only window shop, as everything here is far over my budget of five bits.
I do get hungry soon, and settle on some ice cream from a street vendor. So, after that, I'm broke. It did fill me up, thankfully, so I headed on my way. I checked my watch to see how much longer until the concert, and I was in luck; only an hour. So, I started to make my way to the concert hall over by the castle. It's not too far of a walk, so I enjoy the crisp night air.
But I have a very odd feeling. I feel as if I'm being watched; followed even. I quicken my pace up a little, but it doesn't help at all. I check my watch again, and its fifty minutes till the concert. I keep up a quick pace, and the concert hall is in sight! I had no worries of making it, just the mysterious feeling of being watched.
As I get about fifty feet away from the hall, I hear a rustling from a nearby bush, and a gang of tough-looking earthies come out, only three strong. They begin to walk towards me slowly, and then the biggest one speaks. "Hey there, buddy. Think ya got any money to spare?" He pulls out a silver dagger, stained with blood.
I gulp. "N-no. I d-d-don't."
"Then how does a dumbass janitor like you afford to go to a concert?" says one of the "gentlecolts" from the back. I don't even know how it knows I'm a janitor. Oh wait. I clean even during public events. No rest for Pillows.
"M-my gi-r-rl-fri-end ga-ave me tick-ets. C-can I pl-ease j-j-ust g-go?" My heart is beating into my throat. I think I was about to throw it up from all the fear.
"Too bad, squirt. 'Cause tonight, you're getting mugged." says the earthie holding the silver dagger, as if I didn't know that already.. And for some odd reason, I got the weirdest idea. It was just a spur of the moment sort of thing, and was extremely stupid and brave.
"No, you're getting mugged!" I say cheerfully, as if I were an idiot who didn't understand how life works. The pony looks at me with an open jaw, and his dagger drops to the floor. The other two ponies behind him are in the same state of shock.
After a while, the leader breaks the silence. "HOW THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN WORK?!?!!? C'mon, fellas! Let's scram! This ponies too tough for the likes of us!" The dart back into the bushes, and I never hear or see them again.
I look up to the sky, for some reason, and say "I guess the internet is good for things other than annoying memes that are way too overused." Then I took an arrow to the knee because a guard thought I was a mugger for some reason.
I check my watch one last time, and that odd little incident was enough to kill fifteen minutes, but that doesn't matter, as I'm about to see the world's greatest concert. I walk through the doors and the loveliness begins.
I wake up in the morning feelin' like a piece of shit. My memory of last night is unclear, I have a killer headache, I'm nauseous, and I am extremely thirsty. My mane smells like ten million sweaty fat nerds who live in their mom's basement, because I threw up on my pillow last night, apparently. I look over to my right and laying next to me is Octavia sleeping, and something that looks like a used... oh sweet Celestia. No, I'm not gonna say it. Think of the children! It's too... odd for the younger people. Let your parents give you "the Talk" when you're older.
I check the time, and I'm already extremely late for work. Eh, I'm probably already fired anyways, so I take my sweet time getting ready and such. Octavia is still sleeping by the time I am ready to leave, so I slip out the door quietly.
I get to the castle to find that it isn't in ruins, and isn't lined with dirt because of me being gone for one day and a few hours. I check everywhere; the place is ninja-free, everything's cleaned, and even the Coffee Hallway is free of coffee stains. I'm baffled at how immaculate the castle is.
After a good thirty minutes of wandering around the castle aimlessly, I spot Celestia as I'm coming around the corner, who has returned from her trip. She doesn't seem mad or anything of the sorts. She's just in the stained glass hallway, chatting it up with some pony. Odd, he seems to be wearing the same uniform as I am. He also has my equipment and his own music player. He even has a name tag! His name is "Bed Sheets".
This makes me pretty angry. Obviously I was fired, I'm fine with that. That would leave me to fulfill my dreams of becoming a game designer. But the part that pisses me off is how quickly Celestia found a replacement for me. Do they always have replacements waiting to fill in for other janitors when they get fired? I'm blinded by fury, and begin to walk in there, and interrupt their conversation.
"Ah, Pillows! How's my f-" she says happily, but I cut her off.
"How long have you had a replacement waiting for me, huh? Is my slave labor not enough? Is that it? Do I always have to be on time to work every single day of my terrible life? Okay, the answer to that is yes, but I have a life even if it is kinda terrible! I-"
And then she cuts me off. "Pillows, you're not fired. Luna and I have realized that you have been working your flank off here, and that you don't get enough time off. So, we hired another janitor to help out. This is Bed Sheets." The other pony, who is an entirely white unicorn, waves shyly at me. "He will be working at the castle every Wednesday through Saturday to cover for you. On top of that, you're now the manager of janitorial services here at the castle, and we're even giving you a fifteen bit raise."
That all happened quickly. I'm speechless, as it takes my brain a while to process what just happened. I just didn't know what to say right then and there, so I did the only thing I could think of. I hugged the princess. I mean... I just... EHHHHH. She was a bit shocked at first, but soon returned the hug and stepped back.
"Okay then, Pillows. Why don't you go take the day off, and Bed Sheets will finish up here. After all, you have that hangover to take care of as well as a sleeping Octavia." She walks away. Damn goddesses who see all and know all. But I don't really care, after all, I can finally afford nicer things now! Maybe! Or not! I don't really care, because I'm just so happy. I don't feel so unhappy inside anymore, I feel so much happier. But then I throw up from the hangover, so it kinda spoils the moment.
I return to my apartment to find that Octavia had just woken up, and she is quite exhausted from the concert. She explains to me all about what happened last night. Apparently, I drank a whole lot of wine while I was there, and got really drunk. So, she took me home, and we did the thing that I won't talk about for the children, and then this is the current point in time that I am right now. These past two days have probably been my best, seeing as nothing amazing happens in my life. It just goes to show, that even though life can be a big, fat bitch to you, it will occasionally take pity on your soul and give you some good things in life. Now I just have Monday to look forward to, seeing as it'll be my first day being the Manager of Janitorial Services. Who knows what sort of crap that will bring with the new janitor?
In the end, it's never truly easy for the Janitor of Canterlot Castle.
