Rainbow Dash and the Shameless Self-Insert

Chapters

Emergency Procedure, Step 1: Panic!
The Yellowbelly Thing
Proper Literature Appreciation.
The Jig Is Up

Emergency Procedure, Step 1: Panic!

It was a sunny day in Horseytown. But then how could it not be, with an awesome Weather Patrol pony like Rainbow Flash in charge? The fastest pony in Equestria was just done with her morning routine of cloud punching, sky swerving, and (naturally) flying upstream of a downpour, before a cry demanded her attention in a most urgent fashion. And of course it was urgent; it was Rainbow Flash. When something demanded her involvement, it could be nothing but urgent. Except maybe critical, or pressing, perhaps. Imperative, that was starting to go into a grey area mostly dealt with by the fire brigade and possibly the librarian.

But the cry was urgent, and urgent cries were her department. “Help! Help me, somepony, please!”

Rainbow Flash’s ears twitched. She froze in mid-air and cupped her hooves to her ears to track the source of the sound. It didn’t take long for her to figure it out: high pitch, vague echo, no fading due to distance, but definitely from farther away. “What’s that? Little filly stuck down a well again? Have no fear, Rainbow Flash is here!”

The cyan-coated mare with the flashy rainbow mane wasted no time diving into the well from which the cries had come, and she instantly came out with the filly safe and sound. She gently set her down, and when she looked up, she was greeted by a mass of colour and smiles. All around, Horseytown’s residents had already crowded to cheer on their hero.

“Rainbow Flash! Rainbow Flash!”

She flew up and revelled in their praise. She waved down at the crowds, she spun, she even did a little victory dance. Finally, after five years of hard work on the Weather Patrol and prepping for Wonderbolt acceptance, after almost a year of serving as one of the Guardians of Peace with her friends getting all the glory, she was being treated like a celebrity.

And she was determined to enjoy it for as long as she could.

“Who do you love?!” She called out.

“Rainbow Flash! Rainbow Flash!”

The cheers and jubilations drowned out the discordant sounds of Flash’s friends, who were standing at the back of the crowd. Guardians of Peace in the land, exemplars of friendship and understanding, they were, of course, thrilled to finally see Rainbow Flash be treated like they had been so often.

Give or take a few remarks, that is.

“Do you think maybe Rainbow is taking this a little too far?” Shady Tinkle asked.

“Well, she did save that filly from the well,” Flutterby replied. “And she stopped the retirement home from collapsing, and she diverted that storm all on her own last week-”

“I agree,” Applesauce added. “Rainbow Flash is taking too many risks, and she’s too darn cocky for her own good. We should do somethin’ about that.”

“Like what?” Index Radians asked.

“Well, you’re the one who can see the future. What do you think we should do?”

“Talk to her?”

“Besides that.”

“Tell her she’s doing a good job and we all appreciate her?”

“Besides that.”

Index gave it some thought. This was always a risk, because Index tended to get a long face from thinking too hard. “Interrupt her in the middle of her doing her job of rescue duties and abuse my powers of prophecy to prevent any harm from coming to us, but still let her chance certain death while we do nothing to actually prevent disasters from happening?”

“Excellent idea!” Shady said. “We should go ask Extinct for some outfits, make sure Rainbow doesn’t know it’s us.”

“Yeah, Rainbow loves a good prank. I’m sure it’ll go down just fine,” Applesauce noted.

Rainbow Dash grumbled. This part still didn’t sit right with her. She had a good ending, a decent enough opener with all the rescuing, but she could never quite get Rainbow Flash’s friends to sound believable when they decided to turn on her.

She let her grumble grow, nurtured it and, carefully, allowed it to mature into a beautiful groan, that she let out as she threw herself back on her cloud bed. Her novel was a mess, and she knew it. An awesome mess, but a mess nonetheless. And the mess, she had to confess, was not up to her standards. If she wanted to publish, if she wanted her little vanity project done, it would have to be done right. She just wasn’t entirely sure what ‘right’ exactly was when it came to the written word.

She shivered. Ponies would just laugh at her if she published it like this. That is, most ponies would. A few other ponies in particular would likely want to hurt her. Not that she meant any harm in portraying those fictional characters the way she did; it was all for the sake of the story. Still, they would probably get offended if they ever found out. Maybe another editing round was in order, at the very least to change the names. Rainbow Flash was an awesome name for a main character, but the others needed work. Still, that was just a minor patch. She needed to fix the big problem at hoof first: setting up the conflict.

Asking Twilight for advice on the matter was completely out of the question, for obvious reasons. So was asking Applejack, for the very same reasons. Actually, asking anypony for help on this story of hers was a bad idea.

To even call it a story would be exaggerating. Rainbow Dash had considered it an epic, a heroic tale of awesomeness when she’d started out. Now, as was often the case with her projects, she wasn’t sure if she’d even call it fit for the public eye.

The overall plot was much like her own life story: a mare who aspires to be a hero, a Wonderbolt, gets caught up in a prophecy that has absolutely nothing to do with her ambition but she does her part, despite the difficulties it lands her in. She encounters some obstacles on her way, conquers them, eventually becomes Wonderbolt captain. A mare named Rainbow Flash, which was totally different from Rainbow Dash.

The biggest problem right now was how to best fill up her plot. She’d gone not for a single story, but several smaller ones that would, she hoped, form a cohesive whole and take place in the same universe. She was sure there was a fancy term for that sort of thing, but every time she asked Twilight, the alicorn would sneeze, or spout some kind of gibberish. Rainbow Dash, while always on alert for her friends, drew the line at illness, and she wasn’t about to get infected with anything. There’s loyalty and self-sacrifice, and then there’s just plain dumb, she would say.

Now there was an idea: sick friends. Would that make for a good story? Why Rainbow Flash could be so stubborn about not being near sick friends? Or did she do that already? She really couldn’t keep track of these things. She wasn’t much of a writer.

She pushed the thought aside. The superhero thing first, that was the problematic one. She just needed to think of a good reasoning for Flash’s friends to do what Dash’s friends did. Even though, even after Twilight’s coronation – which involved a lot more fanfare than anything Rainbow Dash had gotten for her heroism, and which Twilight had basically earned for fixing a mistake she shouldn’t have made in the first place – and Applejack’s encounters with the Flim Flam Brothers – which revealed a distinct lack of humility in the Apple family – she couldn’t quite wrap her head around why her friends had done that Mare Do Well thing in the first place. Something about humility, but without the added remark on how that applies to ponies aiming for a career in show flying, or on why Rarity was exempt from expressing that same humility in her work, or Twilight, for that matter. They weren’t very good at explaining that sort of thing. Or maybe Rainbow just wasn’t very good at listening, possibly because she could go faster than the speed of sound. She snickered at the thought, then sighed.

Not that she blamed them, of course: Rainbow Dash was an athlete, and a professional. If she was going to mess up because of her behaviour, she expected nothing less than some helpful advice. She just couldn’t see what the connection was between her behaviour and the implied future failures. It’s not like she could magically stop a truck or plug a leaking dam, or dodge debris with her Pinkie Sense. Even at full attention, she couldn’t do any of that. But her friends sure thought she could. They must have been right; there’s no way Rainbow Dash was less awesome than what her friends thought she was.

She grumbled again as she looked at the clock. Almost time for the run over Palomino Hill and the check-up on Fluttershy’s beaver dam, then off to clear the mist over Canterlot Road, then check the water reservoir, because Twilight had tossed it again while fighting a flock of phoenixes.

A thought occurred to her then, as she put away her things in her saddlebag. Wrench, duct tape, some paperwork in case the inspectors from Cloudsdale showed up. They rarely did, but better safe than sorry, especially with the recent changeling craze. It wouldn’t do to get caught without her I.D. card, or without her official permissions from the mayor.

Maybe I should stop writing about Rainbow Flash. Maybe I should just make Shady Tinkle the main character. I mean, she never does anything wrong, just like Twilight.

Probably better.

She flew off to work.

“Okay, final round-up: water reservoir?” Rainbow Dash asked, a dozen fit and properly certified pegasi in tow.

“We filled that to the brim,” Flitter replied,” and it’s ready for inspection by the Canterlot City Fire Brigade tomorrow.”

“Good. The beaver dam is okay, we cleared the weather over Ponyville Park, and if the check-up is clear...”

Thunderlane came flying next to them. “The race track is all dried up now, all the gusts have been diverted, so the cart race in two days is still good to go.”

Rainbow nodded. “Good, make sure no clouds get close. We don’t want Ponyville to get a bad reputation just because the race tracks are slippery.”

“And the request from the Writer’s Guild?” Flitter asked.

Rainbow Dash stopped. “I took care of that on my own before we got started.”

“Oh. Okay. I guess we’re done for now, then?”

“Yup,” Rainbow replied. “Nothing’s coming towards town right now, so that’s all. You can relax. Good job, everypony.”

“Err, just one thing, Rainbow Dash,” Thunderlane said, pointing to a dark cloud in town. “Are you sure the writers asked for a thundercloud?”

She scrunched her nose at the question. Always the same thing with the Writer’s Guild: they didn’t like their weather to be unnatural, so every few weeks they’d ask for a private rain shower. Something about adding atmosphere to the writing process when they all got together, and the sentence ‘It was a sunny day in Ponyville’ being shunned with the same zeal most ponies reserved for shunning rabies.

She never understood writers, or other writers, she mentally corrected herself. Writers had to act smart, be smart, and use big words, in a smart way. And so doing, they somehow managed to be a bunch that was at the same time very silly and yet no fun at all. But, regardless, she was trying her hoof at their craft, and while she didn’t understand them very well, she did have an official duty towards them, so do it she did. If they wanted their days dark and stormy, and if the mayor approved, it wasn’t Rainbow’s place to deny them.

“Positive,” Rainbow Dash said. “They’re doing some kind of project today, something about ravens.”

“Oh, they’re doing gothic lit today? Yeesh, well, I’m sure they’ll appreciate the effort, then,” said Flitter.

“Let’s hope so. Dismissed, everypony. Enjoy the rest of your day, if you hear me shouting about anything, you know what to do.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” they all said with a curt salute.

Rainbow flew off with a smile. Work had just flown by today. Which was to be expected, because so had she.

Once she got back home, she flopped on her bed and grabbed for her novel, determined to fix it up at last.

Only, her novel wasn’t there anymore.

“Huh?”

This was a strange experience for Rainbow Dash, but not a new one. She’d left her novel on her bed. It was no longer on her bed. Clearly she was either remembering wrong, or a little bit of wind had knocked the thing away.

She looked under her bed, next to it, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, on the roof, in the meadows underneath her house. Nothing.

Finally, she checked her saddlebags. Wrenches, duct tape, paper. The paper with her permission and orders from the mayor, and some sheets with scribblings on it.

“Oh, no...”

Those pieces of paper wasn’t supposed to be in her bag. Those things had no business being in her bags. “No, no...” She grabbed the sheets with her notes on them. She’d slid those in between the pages of her full story, she recognised the remarks, but the book itself wasn’t there. Even upending her bags, nothing.

She must have packed it without noticing. And she’d probably lost it the same way. She slapped herself in the forehead. All those years of hearing her mom yacking on about it, and she still couldn’t fly carefully enough to stop her books from spilling out.

The momentary embarrassment was nothing, though, compared to what was to follow.

“Oh, no. It’s gone. I dropped my novel. I...” Her face drained of blood. “I dropped it in Ponyville. Somepony’s gonna read my novel!”

Author's Note

Just a quick fic, this one, to fill in the gaps from the long, long, looong work on Warrior Meet.

Something light and fluffy. And no, not a Mare Do Well fixfic. The idea is that Rainbow is writing fixfics of her own life, and trying to not just learn a lesson, but teach lessons as well. You'll get the idea next chapter if it's not clear yet here.

As always, story itself is finished, at least so far. Probably going to do some more editing in between updates, but right now it stands at about a 7k word count and a four-chapter length. Haven't decided on an update frequency yet.

The Yellowbelly Thing

She paced about the room, trying not to panic.

"Okay, Rainbow Dash, think, think."

Rainbow quickly abandoned thinking, having been taught since a young age that thinking was for smart ponies. And, not being a smart pony – current predicament further illustrating that fact – she did what she always did when she was in trouble: move.

Before she knew it, she was at the beaver dam, the first place where her book might have fallen.

Once she got there, Rainbow moved in a blur, lifting up brushes and checking trees for signs of any errant dialogues or prologues. So far, all she could see was regular 'logues, piled up to hold back some water. She dearly hoped the beavers hadn't eaten any of her work. "Gotta find it, gotta find it..."

"Find what, Rainbow Dash?"

"Yaah!" Rainbow made a straight vertical lift-off, before turning and hanging in mid-air to face her friend. "Fluttershy, hi!"

"Umm, hello, Rainbow Dash. Is there a problem? Mister Paddle told me the Weather Patrol already covered this area."

Rainbow shook her head. "Uh, no problem, no, we're done for the day."

"Oh, good. Then, um, why are you here? Are you looking for something?"

Rainbow Dash stayed in the air, mostly on reflex. She rubbed the back of her head, avoiding Fluttershy's gaze. "Eheh. You know that novel I was working on?"

"You mean the one about a mare who becomes Wonderbolt Captain?"

"Yup."

"The mare who just happens to be called Rainbow Dash?"

Rainbow groaned. "It's Rainbow Flash. Big difference."

Fluttershy snickered. "Of course it is. What about it?"

Given how rare the sound of Fluttershy snickering was, Rainbow wasn't sure if she should be happy for her friend or annoyed. "I accidentally packed it this morning, and I, err... I lost it somewhere."

"Oh, and you think it fell out somewhere around here?"

"Yeah. I don't suppose your beaver buddies found anything?"

Fluttershy trotted off to talk to what Rainbow assumed was the forebeaver of the operation. That forebeaver then called his workbeavers, and at some point she was pretty sure the union beavers were discussing wages and social security as it relates to daily wood consumption.

Then again, Rainbow Dash wasn't an expert on beavers like Fluttershy was, so she may have misunderstood the matter.

"The beavers haven't seen any novels falling around here."

"You're sure?"

"They're very sure. Paper is a delicacy to them, and they wouldn't let it go to waste."

Rainbow Dash thought that over for a second. Then she thought for another second, because thinking logically was one of the few things she did slowly. "Then how do you know they wouldn't lie just to keep it to themselves?"

Fluttershy smiled. "Oh, they wouldn't lie to me; they know to mind their manners when it comes to ponies."

Rainbow took that as meaning 'The beavers know I have a bear standing by at all times, and that, unlike them, he's not a fussy eater.'

"Okay, thanks anyway."

Fluttershy shrugged. "I can help you find it, if you like. I wouldn't mind reading what you have so far if I do find it."

That sounded like a great idea at first. Then Rainbow Dash realised what exactly Fluttershy might end up reading. "Err..."

"Okay, everypony!" Rainbow Flash called out. "We have two weeks to prepare for hurricane duty, and if we want Horseytown to get the record, we all need to get our level up!"

The crowd cheered, and Rainbow smiled. Truly, the flyers of Horseytown were united under the great Rainbow Flash, much like their ancestors had been under hers. Commander Hurricane would have been proud. The pegasi dispersed quickly, and went to work on training under her watchful eye. It was a sight Rainbow relished from up high: wing push-ups in front of her, rhythmic trotting to the right of that, at her two o'clock, weighted vest training on her five and six, advanced stretches at seven, and from her nine to eleven o'clock Shady Tinkle had set up a small lab to take notes on everypony. It was a smoothly run operation, whole clock around.

Of course, there's always a few hiccups when working with large groups of ponies. In this case, the hiccup was two little ponies approaching her: a blackish grey filly and a greyish white colt.

Sootie and Tremble. They weren't related, but they might as well have been, for all the time they spent together. Tremble was the fastest kid in town, almost at the same level Rainbow Flash had been at that age. He was sharp both in mind and wings, and dedicated to his practice. Tremble wasn't the sort of kid you encouraged to compete; he was the kind you encouraged to slow down so the others wouldn't feel bad about losing to him. His only major weakness was that, unlike Rainbow Flash, he actually would slow down for his competitors.

Sootie, on the other hoof, was less accomplished in the fields of athletics, though not for lack for trying. She practised her flying over the roofs of Horseytown, but due to some oddity in her wing development, she couldn't get off the ground yet. As a result, Sootie usually ended up down somepony's chimney. Still, that girl was a tornado on wheels once she got her rollerblades on, and the lack of vertical action did nothing to curb her taste in stunts. Besides, she always wore a helmet for stunts, which was more than Rainbow could say for some of the speedsters in other towns.

Both had the messy mane that characterised junior speedsters (though Tremble clearly had a better grasp on the basics of style, as well as on his manebrush, than Sootie did). Both had the familiar taut bodies, the hints of ribs showing when they breathed. Both were in awesome shape for their age, ready for any talent scout with an open spot in their roster.

Both were apparently worried about something.

"Umm, Rainbow Flash?"

"What's the matter, Sootie?"

"Err, I don't think I can help very much," Sootie said.

"Yeah, me neither," Tremble added.

"What? Why not?"

"Well, I can't fly like the rest of the pegasi," the girl remarked.

"And I can't fly as well as they can," said the boy. "We're too little."

"Don't be silly, Tremble. We're doing this as a team effort. You just do your best."

The grey colt pouted. "But my best isn't gonna be good enough! I'm never going to hit ten wingpower!"

Rainbow rolled her eyes and sighed. "No, and you're not supposed to. You're right: you're only a little pony. But you're good at flying, aren't you? You can still fly circles around any kid from around here."

He shrugged and looked away. "I guess."

"And you like flying, don't you?"

"Uhuh."

She nudged his chest. "There you go. Don't quit just because you think you can't measure up to grownups, Tremble. Your brother is an ace, but so are you. And aces push themselves. They do the work, and they get better."

Tremble grumbled. Sootie grimaced. Rainbow noticed.

"Of course, if you really want to quit, I can't make you keep going. Your parents wouldn't want me to, and your brother wouldn't want you to get injured. But if you're going to quit, do it for a good reason. Do it because you think you're going to get hurt, or because you might cause an accident for somepony else." She leaned in, knowing full well what buttons to push with the kid. "Do you think you're that clumsy, Tremble?"

He scoffed. "No, of course not."

She backed up with a nod and an approving smile. "Good, I don't think so either. I think you're good enough to take part in this. So if all you're worried about is how you'll look compared to the rest, maybe you should consider comparing yourself to other kids, and not the grownups. You two are the only foals who haven't left yet, and you, Tremble, are not weak." She looked to Sooty then. "Of course, if you can't fly at all, I understand that you don't want to stick around."

Sooty grumbled. "I don't want to be the only pegasus around who can't fly."

Rainbow Flash smiled. Of course, that's why Tremble was here: he was braver than her. Sooty would never want to disappoint her idol. Neither did Tremble, but Tremble was more like his brother Donnerung in that regard: level-headed, always thinking two moves ahead, considering the consequences.

Rainbow hated that smart-flank for that.

"Look, Sooty, I get that you feel bad about not being able to fly yet-"

Sooty cringed.

"But just because you can't fly right now doesn't mean you can't help. And Tremble, if you want to quit just because Sooty's quitting, that's not good enough. There's being a good friend and there's being too kind for your own good."

Now Tremble cringed. He couldn't look Sootie in the face, even.

Rainbow let out a heavy and dramatic sigh. "Look, both of you: if you want to quit, fine. Quit. You're not grownups, it's not fair to put that burden on you yet. But if you want me to say it's okay for you to quit, forget it. It's not, for either of you. Tremble, you're the strongest flyer in your class, you're the only one who's ready for competition. And Sootie..." She caught her breath then. "Sootie, I know how much you like flying, and how much you want to join in. Really, I get it. And if you stick around, you're gonna be surrounded by ponies who can fly while you can't. But what are you planning to do when you leave? Just sit around all day and mope or try to actually learn how to fly? Because, if you really wanna jumpstart your wingpower, leaving is not a smart way of doing it."

The filly winced. "Well... I hadn't thought that far ahead yet."

"Didn't think so. Look, if you want my advice: go find Tinkle, ask her what needs doing. There's lots of ponies doing training, they might need help. Stick with Tremble here, or ask Thorn. I mean, he's a dragon, and he can't fly either, but he's still helping."

"You really think they'd let us?"

"You're pegasi, aren't you? If you want to help, there's plenty you can do. Tremble, you can fly fine enough for hurricane duty. Sootie, there's always somepony who needs help, and hey, who knows, you might learn a thing or two when you watch other ponies training. You might figure out how to get off the ground if you pay attention."

The two scrunched their noses, shared a glance, then nodded and replied in stereo. "Thanks, Rainbow Flash."

"That's what I'm here for, kids."

The two turned and trotted off, one towards the herd of adults doing their reps, the other towards the unicorn and dragon keeping track of said reps.

Rainbow Flash smiled. Those two wouldn't forgive themselves if they quit now. Opportunity like this, the chance to help set the record for wingpower on Horseytown, what pegasus wouldn't want to try?

She furrowed her brow and flew up, scanning the meadows.

What pegasus indeed.

Flutterby wasn't here.

Rainbow looked left, right, up, down. Two green mares, some purple ones, blue, reddish... no yellow.

Apparently, that kind of pegasus.

"Okay, Flutterby, what's the problem?" She asked while knocking on the door. Knowing Flutters, the yellowbelly was probably waiting for this very visit. The Weather Patrol hadn't reported any animal-related emergencies, and the mayor hadn't noticed anything, and none of the local vets had sent any patients for rehab, so whatever was keeping Flutterby from practice, it wasn't anything related to her job. If it had been, a simple note would have sufficed.

Flutterby slowly opened the door, coughing with the same hushed, whispery air to her voice that she did everything with. Everything except singing, for some bizarre reason. "Oh, umm, hi, Rainbow Flash. I think I'm coming down with something, might be the pony pox."

Rainbow Flash recoiled when she saw the spots on her friend's face. The prospect of getting sick was always a hard limit for Rainbow, ever since the agony of spending two weeks at home coughing and running a fever. At least she got licorice then. Her father had said she took after Commander Hurricane in that regard; loving the essence of black root so much. She shook her head to stop that train of thought. "Uhuh. You got sick just before the first day of hurricane training."

"I know it's terrible, but I'm really sick. I just woke up this morning covered in spots."

Rainbow licked her hoof and pressed it against one of the spots, then rubbed vigorously. "There. Problem solved." She looked down to see red ink on her hoof. "Pony pox don't give you spots; they give you bumps. Your skin turns red, Flutters, fur doesn't change colour like that. Now what is going on? Why are you shirking your duty?"

Flutterby fluttered up and threw her arms up. "Oh, I just can't fly, Rainbow Flash. I'll never get to ten wingpower in time!"

Rainbow looked at her friend, then at the fair distance between Flutters and the ground, then at Flutterby's wings. All three seemed to be perfectly normal. "And?"

"And, I'd be humiliated! Don't you remember what happened at Flight Camp? Everyone was so mean to me."

Rainbow Flash did remember what happened at Flight Camp, actually. The ponies there were gruff, rough, borderline abusive. The other kids weren't very nice, either.

And it worked. Flight Camp worked that way for a good reason. It got Flutterby flying, for one thing.

"Yes, I remember that. And I get that it wasn't a good experience. But are you really going to just quit? We're going for the record! I need every pony I can get!"

"I can't, Rainbow Flash, I just can't. It's too humiliating. Ponies will laugh at me."

Rainbow sighed. "Fine. Okay, I need to get back to training."

"What?"

Rainbow Flash turned her back on her friend. "You stay home while we train. I mean, lots of ponies are staying home, because they have jobs and all. Just go ask the mayor, get a note, you'll be fine. We'll just have to manage without you. I'm sure you have important stuff to do."

"Well, actually..."

"I mean, if you think you're too weak, if you think you'll cause an accident, stay home. Seriously, don't go anywhere near the training site, I can't afford any accidents or anyone getting sick for real."

"Umm, no, I don't think I'd cause an accident... I'm just..."

The door already slammed shut. Rainbow Flash was never one to wait.

Flutterby let out a heavy sigh. "Fine. You win."

This was not exactly a flattering image of the yellow-bellied (and really, yellow-bodied) pegasus. Of course, it was a functional one, to make a nice comparison with the kids, but... would Fluttershy see that? "You know what, Fluttershy? I think it'd be better if I kept looking on my own."

"Oh, okay. I understand. I wouldn't want to slow you down, with, you know, me not flying very well and all."

Rainbow felt the blood drain from her face. Oh, if that story fell into the wrong hooves...

"Gotta go!"

Author's Note

A bit of a repetition from earlier fics, this, but focused on Rainbow's perspective this time. Not an author tract, by any means. Well, Rainbow might be using it as an author tract... assuming she doesn't mistake it for a colon disease. Again, it's Rainbow trying to draw lessons from her own life, as well as make up stuff inspired by it.

Kinda like a real writer, I imagine...

Anyway, what else? Oh, right, the kids. I'm sure the term 'Sootie' is offensive to someone, somewhere, so I kept it in as more implied reasons Rainbow wants to find her story.

Proper Literature Appreciation.

"Gotta find it gotta find it gotta find it..."

Rainbow Dash landed near the water reservoir where she and her crew had filled up the tank again. If her novel had landed here, there may have been some water damage, but better that than to let anyone read it. She had to be sure, though, and she had to get it before-

"Hey, Rainbow."

"Gah!" For the second time that day, Rainbow Dash made a perfect vertical take-off, this time followed by a rigid four-point landing. If Spitfire had seen it, she'd have been impressed. Laughing her tail off, most likely, but impressed, nonetheless.

"Hey, Twilight. What's going on?"

"Oh, nothing, just checking the water reservoir again. What are you doing here?"

Rainbow gritted her teeth. "I uh... you know that novel I've been working on?"

"The one about a mare who becomes Wonderbolt Captain and just happens to be named Rainbow Dash?"

That got Rainbow's nose curling. "It's Rainbow Flash, Twilight, not Rainbow Dash. Big difference. But yeah, that one."

"What about it?"

Rainbow groaned. "I accidentally packed it in my bag this morning and I lost it somewhere over Ponyville. So now I'm retracing my steps. Or my flaps, I guess."

Twilight smiled, her ears perking up. "Oh, well, I'll be sure to keep an eye out for it." She looked up at Rainbow and gasped. "Wait, am I in it?"

Rainbow Dash had to stop herself from gasping in turn. That attitude of acting before thinking was really turning out to be a pain today. "Err..."

"Or is it somepony who just has a name that sounds like mine?" Twilight asked coyly.

Rainbow Dash looked away. She realised what risk she was taking now, and it didn't sit well with her, not one bit. "Kinda?"

Twilight, now unfortunately enthused by the prospect, squeed. "So what do I do in the story? You know, just in case I find it. Do I have a likeable character?"

"Umm..."

"Tinkle, this isn't funny!" Rainbow Flash exclaimed, wriggling against the restraints.

The lavender alicorn smirked. "I know it's not, that's why I'm doing it. Since you can't seem to grasp the learning material using any basic methods, the advanced ones are in order. And that includes assuming proper unicorn literature appreciation position."

Rainbow grunted. Proper unicorn literature appreciation position, as it turned out, was hind hooves bound to a gravitationally enhanced pair of boots, waistline locked into a desk not unlike a baby's high chair, and elbows and wings locked against her sides. Last but not least, a mechanical arm driven by unicorn magic held her head down, so she couldn't look away from the pages.

Rainbow Flash had often wondered about Tinkle's strange fascination for bondage, hypnosis and mind control, even latex. Primarily, she'd never figured out if such interests were a typical unicorn thing or if that was just Tinkle. Knowing this was what unicorns once considered a normal school routine for their young, today was proving a very enlightening experience indeed.

It did not, however, make the required learning any easier.

"Okay, then, the first Wonderbolt squad was formed when?"

"About a thousand years ago?" Rainbow said.

Tinkle grunted. "Right after Princess Luna's banishment is the correct answer, Rainbow. That's the answer the Wonderbolts are expecting."

"How would you know?"

"It's in the history books!"

"Yeah, the new ones. I had history in school, Princess Luna wasn't covered in any of my classes. How do you know the Wonderbolts are even using the new books?" Rainbow tried to get her head up, but the claw holding her down wouldn't budge.

"Well, umm... I'm sure Princess Celestia had them updated. Now, next question: when was the first crisis that made our Princesses realise they needed a separate aerial unit?"

"Err... tribal wars?"

"The fall of the Crystal Empire, Rainbow! Come on, don't tell me you can't even remember the most basic of historic facts! You can't be that dumb."

Rainbow hissed under her breath. The chair holding her creaked as her whole body tensed against its hold.

Shady Tinkle recoiled. "Oh, I-I'm sorry, Rainbow, I didn't mean to... it just slipped, honest."

Rainbow took a deep breath to steady her pounding heart. Her ears twitched, and there was a dull ache in her lungs that she hoped would go away, lest she start crying. "Get me out of this thing."

"But you need to study."

Rainbow snorted. "Get me out, please? I can't... I can't breathe, Tinkle. I can't think. This is useless."

A nod and some gestures with the horn later, and Rainbow was free.

"Thanks. I can take it from here."

"But Rainbow, you're not ready."

"No. And I probably won't be. But at least I tried." She let her head hang. "This whole studying thing, I can't do it. I couldn't do it in High School, I couldn't do it in Slightly Higher School, I couldn't do it in Ground-Level School. And Flight School... I've had failure knock on my door often enough to recognise the sound." She winced in pain and wriggled her wings as she strode past. "And it's knocking again now. If the best studying method known to unicorns can't get me to learn even simple stuff like Crystal Empire history... even if it is history that only got rewritten, what, last spring?"

"At least two seasons ago, yes."

"Well, if even that doesn't work on me, then nothing will. Thanks anyway, I'm gonna go fly around some more, and go study at home. Maybe the words will stop dancing once I've had some exercise."

Likeable character? A pony who's got an unhealthy interest in tying her friends up and trying to control their lives?

Oh, geez. That was just one episode, too.

"No!" Rainbow cried out. "D'I mean, err, you really shouldn't read it, it's not finished yet. It's not fit for publishing yet, and I don't want you to hurt your head reading something that, umm, unfinished," Rainbow said, already hovering over the ground.

A look of genuine awe passed over Twilight's face then. "Wow, publishing? You're thinking about publishing already? Gosh, Rainbow, you are brave. I've had all the opportunities to write my own work, but I'd never work up the courage to publish it. I'll head back to the castle and look up my detection spell. Simple scroll detection can't be that hard."

Rainbow Dash smiled sheepishly. "Thanks. I appreciate the help, but umm, if you do find it, please don't read it? It's pretty bad, first draft and all."

"I understand," Twilight said with a nod. "If I find it, I'll respect your privacy. And if you need any help with writing more of it, you know you can always ask me."

"Yeah. I know. It's been getting harder and harder to work on it, too."

"Well, if you need somepony to pin you down until you get it done, you know you can ask me, too," She said, winking. "Us unicorns have some very good ways of getting the academic stuff done. And hey, alicorns are even better, right?"

Rainbow felt the blood drain from her face. Good thing Rarity wasn't around, because at this rate she'd get dragged into some kind of spa treatment, most likely. "Gotta go."

Without another word, she was off.

Twilight pondered aloud as her friend flew off towards town. "Hmm. Maybe Rainbow Dash isn't the best pony to subject to unicorn literature. She wouldn't last two seconds in those restraints."

Rainbow scoured the streets around the Writer's Guild, desperately looking for her manuscript. Thankfully, she'd gotten there when the rainclouds were on their mandatory refractory period, so only her hooves were getting wet. When nothing turned up, she finally decided to bite the proverbial bullet and go in.

"Has anypony seen my novel?" she asked the room. "I, umm, I misplaced it. Somepony might have brought it here by mistake."

As one, the mass of nerdlings, eggheads, and myopics turned to her. One pointdexter of a mare, a dark and gloomy type who was either very happy with the dark clouds around the premises or never happy at all, it was hard to tell, looked up from her papers and shrugged. "Maybe; we've had a few editing requests today. What's your story about?" Just as she said it, she drew a red line through a part of the text she was reading. Then another one. And another one. Then she flipped the page and, scrunching her nose, drew a diagonal line through the whole page. Whoever had been writing that one wasn't getting good marks, from the looks of it.

"Err, it's about the Wonderbolts?"

The raven-haired mare smiled. "Oh, so it's children's fiction. Well, we have gotten a couple of those. Ponies bring all sorts of stuff here for editing. What's your demographic?"

Rainbow furrowed her brow, thinking. "Umm..."

At this point, the mare realised she was dealing with a neophyte, and started speaking more slowly. "Okay, what's your plot about? Your storyline? Any specific details?"

Strange how, after months of working on it, it only now dawned on Rainbow Dash that what she'd been writing was a little bit on the corny side. "It's about a mare who becomes Captain of the Wonderbolts. You know, moving up the ranks."

The mare looked to her colleagues, then shook her head. "No, we haven't gotten any wish fulfillment fiction lately. We'd remember getting that under our noses."

"Great. Then it's really lost."

"Possibly. But trust me, if it is, it's for the best. You're better off without that kind of thing lying around."

Rainbow winced. "Really?"

"Sure. I mean, who wants to read about some Hairy Stew that everypony loves and is super awesome at everything?" a burgundy stallion said. "You're a first-timer, right? You should never publish your first work; it always sucks."

That remark shocked her more than any lightningbolt ever had. "Oh. Really? It's that bad? Like, always?"

"Yup. Lavender unicorn syndrome, too many 'said'-isms, a lot of ponies don't even know what the colour lavender is, can you believe that?" declared a unicorn mare, who happened to have the exact same colour of coat as a certain aromatic plant that favours arid environments, but shall remain nameless for the time being.

"Uhuh. So you haven't seen my novel, then? You're absolutely sure nopony brought it in? I kinda want it back for editing. Or, you know, to get rid of it."

The stallion nodded. "Positive. And hey, don't worry about it: writing is serious business. Nothing but the best is good enough. You can't be expected to get good at it just overnight. If you ever need any help from ponies who know their stuff, just ask. The Guild is always ready to help, especially when it's somepony famous like the great Rainbow Dash. If anypony brings it in, we'll be sure to get it to you first."

So they did know it was her. Great, now the whole town knew she'd written a novel. And someone would find it, eventually, most likely read it, too. And her friends would hear about it. And, unlike the story, she'd never hear the end of it.

"Okay, thanks anyway."

With a dejected sigh, she took off, homeward. All that effort she'd put into her first story, and it sucked. No matter what she might do, it would suck. If the Writer's Guild said so, it had to be true. She wasn't even a real writer. Her novel was lost. And everyone would hate her for it.

"I guess I deserved that."

Author's Note

Proper unicorn literature appreciation position is directly copied from an episode of Powerpuff Girls Z. How they managed to get that passed on a kid's show, I'll never- oh, right, Japan, never mind. And yes, the inspiration for it in this story was indeed the Vogons. Twilight's concession to respecting Rainbow's privacy seemed like it made the most sense, considering. Plus, more tension if Rainbow can't be sure of whether Twilight'll stay true to her word. There have been some incidents, after all...

The Writer's Guild... I guess you can argue it's a bit of an author tract there, but not with me as the author, not exactly. Those arguments, I've heard before, and I think people should be aware such criticisms and critics exist. How you decide to deal with them, that's up to the individual. Not gonna preach to those pews.

I had figured I'd split up the scenes there, but it would have broken the pattern of 'real scene-novel-real' and besides that, it's a short enough story as is.

So where is Rainbow's novel? Who's got it, who's going to read it, and how will they respond? Next chapter is the last one.

The Jig Is Up

Rainbow Dash was home. And she was lost in a spiral of self-pity. It was so strange, the facts kept replaying in her head, like someone had to remind her of what had happened. Like her whole life had suddenly been interrupted by a commercial break, and the powers that be needed to be brought up to speed in case their attention spans didn't last past five minutes. Which was something Rainbow Dash could relate to, at least. She pouted her lips as more bad memories surfaced; of getting told off by her teachers, of being sick, of feeling humiliated. It didn't matter how awesome she was, it never did. Something would always make it all come crashing down, and that something had happened today.

Her story, the culmination of her hard work, not to mention a collection of the biggest insults anypony might ever deliver to her friends, was lost.

Fluttershy hadn't found it, Twilight hadn't found it, the Writer's Guild hadn't found it. The Weather Patrol ponies or Pinkie Pie would have given it right back by now if they had it. Which could mean only one thing: whoever had found it still had it, was reading it right now, and would probably let everypony in town know.

She was doomed. Maybe now would be a good time to consider a long stay in the Wonderbolts barracks.

A bell rang downclouds.

She flew down in a daze, hardly noticing the white unicorn stallion waiting for her.

"Hey, Rainbow Dash," he said.

"Hey," she replied. She recognised him from somewhere, but she couldn't tell where, exactly. The voice was definitely familiar, and his brown mane and tail made her think he was related to Featherweight, but she quickly decided he couldn't be, not with those broad hooves. No, this was somepony from down the Wet South, swamp country, not the Northern Slopes goatish build Featherweight had. His cutie mark was, from the looks of it, something related to either plants or cooking. She recognised the purplish blue flowers on his flanks, but it wasn't something she used a lot, so the name eluded her.

She quickly stopped caring when he slid out a bundle of paper out of his saddlebag.

"Err, I found this on the main road today. It's yours, right?"

Rainbow Dash gasped. She took the book and quickly flipped through it. Page one, two, three... hurricane duty, the theoretical exam, the changeling scare, the whole thing, still in one piece. The ring binder had held. She had her story back. And it wasn't one of her friends who'd brought it back.

She quickly dashed back up into her home to give the thing a longer look. Finding that, no, the book hadn't spontaneously lost pages in the few seconds she'd stopped looking at it – because in Ponyville, you learned not to trust anything – she let out a sigh of relief.

Thank the stars. Nopony read it.

Wait. Somepony did read it.

Did he?

Oh, no.

With a quick flap of the wings, she was back in front of the stallion, motioning for him to stop. "Wait!"

He smiled. "Hello again, Rainbow. Everything okay? I didn't show up at a bad time, did I?"

"No, no! Umm, reflex action, you know," Rainbow stammered. "Nothing to worry about." Shoot, she knew this guy, she was sure of it. But from where?

"And that was your story, right?" he asked.

She nodded feverishly. "Yeah, it was. Where did you say you found it?"

"Main road, near the park. Found it this morning, just lying there."

She could have stuck her head in the ground right then and there to hide from the shame. With her usual Wonderbolt level of intelligence, apparently she'd thought to check all the places she'd gone to without checking the paths she'd taken to those places. Oh, if her mother ever learned of this... "And you waited this long to bring it back?" Please tell me no one read it, please tell me no one read it.

He perked his ears and looked away. "Well, I didn't know it was yours at first. It only had a pseudonym on the cover. I mean, M.D. Bolter? That's pretty generic. I had a quick look, just to see if I recognised it. I didn't let anyone else read it, if that's what you're thinking."

Her heart sank. "Oh, good. And then you read the Rainbow Flash thing, and you figured it was mine, huh? Kid stuff, wish fulfillment fiction?"

The stallion chuckled. "Actually... no. That didn't tell me it was yours, I mean. That only narrowed it down to ponies who are fans of yours. Which, in this town, isn't narrowing it down at all."

Rainbow idly dragged a hoof over the ground. She hadn't had the thing pre-read since the rewrite, she might as well. "So what gave it away? Is it because of how bad it is, then?"

"Hmm? Not at all. I thought it was pretty nice for what it was trying to be."

She squinted, thinking. "For what it was trying to be?"

"A coming-of-age story that parodies all the goodie-four-shoes literature that's out there nowadays. Good idea to use an adult protagonist, by the way. You open up a lot more avenues like that."

Not the response she was expecting, but a good response, regardless. "So you don't think it was bad? You don't think it needs work?"

He shrugged. "About as much as any first draft does. A few style tweaks, but nothing major on the grammar front, not at first glance. It might need to settle on a direction, but, sure, anthologies do sell."

"Gesundheit."

He quirked an eyebrow. "I mean, some ponies prefer reading things in shorter bursts, and having a bunch of short stories makes for easier reading than one big novel. Less of a hassle to keep track of, too. Were you planning to publish it sometime? It looked like you got the layout for it."

She pouted. No one else had read it. No one else could answer the big question. "Is it good enough to publish?"

Again, he shrugged, pondering. "With enough editing, sure. I didn't find anything really wrong with it at concept level, it was entertaining. Maybe make it even more over the top so it's clearly meant to not be taken seriously, and who knows? At the very least, there are a few publishers looking for material like yours. I don't know if you've noticed, but right now the market is monopolised by Daring Do and everyone trying to copy her. Some new boys' literature wouldn't have much trouble getting through the process. If you feel like it, I mean."

Something rattled in her head when she tried to think about that. "Boys' literature? You think I've been writing boys' literature?"

"From what little there was to go on, and skimming it, yes. Your main character acts like a typical coach, there's lots of descriptions when it comes to the action or practical problems, some accurate depictions of motion and the like... that's usually what gets served to boys. Relatively speaking, of course. Plus, you have caricatures of female archetypes. That's always popular."

"But boys aren't gonna want to read that: Rainbow Flash is a mare."

"So was Corna from the Avatar series, and no one cared about that," the unicorn argued. "As long as it's an awesome character, the boy/girl thing doesn't matter that much."

She gulped. "W-what about, you know, Rainbow Flash's being... umm... you think ponies would... to me, I mean?"

He squinted, thinking. "If you want to get fancy about it, you could just call it a hypersigil, I suppose. That's s-i-g-i-l, with 'hyper' in front of it. Trust me, unicorns will lap that up. And really, lots of authors put pieces of themselves in their writings. Half the time, I think A.K. Yearling's living vicariousl-umm, trying to live the life of her character, through her character."

Rainbow's ears twitched. His voice sounded so familiar, like she'd heard it just yesterday. Stopping himself mid-sentence to explain a big word, she remembered that, too. But from where? It was driving her nuts. Her last birthday party, perhaps? He wasn't related to Cheese Sandwich, she was sure of that. Or was he? There was a connection between the two, but it wasn't bloodlines. A friend of Cheese's? No, that wasn't it, either.

"So what gave it away, then? How'd you know it was mine?"

A good dose of pride bled into his smile then. "You mention Captain Hurricane's fondness of licorice, something that was passed down through the generations of her family. Most ponies don't know that. They think because you eat chocolate and gingerbread for Hearts and Hooves, that the Commander liked chocolate, instead. She didn't. Only an actual descendant would know that sort of thing."

She let her head hang and sighed as it finally dawned on her. "Now I remember you. We met at the Hearth's Warming Eve thing. You were the other one with the bloodline, you were-"

"Direct bloodline descendant of Smart Cookie, yes, but with some obvious mixing in that regard." He tapped his horn at that. "Sorry, lots of ponies in town know me, I forget which ones don't."

She shook her head. "That's okay. Umm, thanks for, you know, bringing my story back."

"No problem. If you need any help with finetuning it or spreading it, I have a print shop not too far from Sugarcube Corner. Can't miss it."

"Will do." She turned to leave. "I guess I'll see you around?"

"See you around, Rainbow Dash."

"See you... Wise Cracker."

"Sage."

"What?"

"It's Sage Cracker, like the herb. Sage Cracker, not Wise Cracker. Big difference."

She smirked to herself. "Right. Big difference."

The End

Author's Note

... In my defense, the title should have been a dead giveaway, no?

Let's see... hypersigils are a thing in chaotism, popularised by Grant Morrisson, one of my great examples. Corna is indeed a reference to Korra, and apparently that had a similar history behind it.

As for the ending... the story started off as this one-punchline joke, but without fleshing out, it wouldn't have worked. As it stands, I'm okay with it. It can do with a sequel, but I'm already up to my knees in sequels, so who knows? I kind of want to keep doing original stuff, too. Not to mention hoarding good ideas from pony fics to use in novels...

Anyway, this is the end of this story. It was fun to write, and good practice in making a slightly different version of ponies for the reindeer novel. Hope you got a laugh or two out of it, at least.