Chapters In Rainfall, Irrevocable Secrets
First Verse, First Phrase
Provided one has enough finches, and wants to wake up at dawn, one does not need an alarm clock. Generally, this was Fluttershy’s first thought each morning.
The sun rose slowly – a little more golden than the rest of the day, as it was surrounded by a golden aura of unicorn horn magic from the goddess of the sun. This gold light bathed Fluttershy’s room as she rose to the sound of finches praising Celestia for another day, her own soft yellow coat and wings washed out against the background of her bedroom. She yawned, stretched her front legs, then her wings, then her back legs, and trotted to her window.
As Fluttershy took account of herself for the morning, she knew that today was the day. Generally this was Fluttershy’s second thought each day. The number of days required to make a statement about what Fluttershy’s second thought “generally” was is enough to show how many days were not the day, yet same as it ever was, Fluttershy was committed that it would be the day.
Because today was the day, Fluttershy wasted no time grooming herself for the morning. While most grown pegasai had all the clouds they could want necessary for proper grooming available in their unique cloud homes, Fluttershy was obliged to scoop some appropriate clouds from the sky in order to maintain herself; otherwise, there would be no reason to have a home so near to a particularly-scary source of wild clouds.
Because today was the day, Fluttershy fed her animals as quickly as possible. Carnivores first, so the terrible feeling of dealing with dead animals was cleared by the joy brought to the other residents of Fluttershy’s cottage by breakfast. The ferrets smiled, appreciatively. Fluttershy sighed and figured the ordeal was worth the appreciation. Herbivores came next, ending with her close friend and nurse to her veterinary practices, Angel the bunny. Fluttershy would then turn to rush other chores, but Angel’s position in the feeding order was last for a reason: the small white rabbit knew his job as a nurse was to take care of his doctor. Angel took the carrot, and after a first bite, jabbed Fluttershy with the remainder of his carrot and pointed her to the kitchen.
Because today was the day, Fluttershy ate only as much breakfast as she needed. A small bowl of oats would see her through to her destination. She quickly maneuvered the dishes into the sink for Angel, who gave her a clipboard before setting to pumping the water into the sink for his morning tasks.
Because today was the day, Fluttershy could only check briefly on any veterinary patients staying overnight. Most were under strict orders to rest, so few ever stirred as she made sure they were breathing at a normal pace. She rubbed and prodded sore spots, with a softness that could only come from combining years of study and practice with a body designed to walk on clouds. With her patients checked, she headed towards the door.
Because today was the day, she did not have time to find out why Angel was trying to bar her from leaving in a hurry. Besides, she knew in her heart why he would. It was because yesterday was the day. And yesterday, yesterday was the day, and yesterday was the day then, and so forth through more yesterdays than the little bunny cared to remember. Angel still faithfully tried; it was his job as a nurse was to take care of his doctor, or to at least try. Angel watched as Fluttershy walked past, and hoped that today was, finally, the day.
Because today was the day, Fluttershy galloped into town. Her eyes were upward, scanning the small, white clouds that made their way into Ponyville overnight, waiting for the moment that the first one would suddenly disappear.
Because today was the day, her heart leapt when it did disappear, the cause of which only delineated by a rainbow blur moving quickly to the next cloud. The lead pony of Ponyville’s weather control team was attempting to break another record for clearing the morning clouds so she could begin her morning nap.
Because today was the day, Fluttershy called out to the pegasus that caused the rainbow blur.
“…!” She exclaimed with a loud, cheerful voice.
No, there was none. No voice. No exclamation. No cheerful greeting that would start the day. No glad conversation that would spark the spending of the day together. No long day that would turn into a soft, cool night, and as the air whipped around them they placed their wings over each other, and held each other close for warmth, and then they looked into each others eyes, and the most beautiful being Fluttershy knew of saw deep into her heart, and so the revelation was already made so it was finally so blissfully easy just to say those three words she longed to say.
“…” No, she could not even mutter the words to herself. Not even squeak. Her body underwent its normal reaction to the stress of the thought of social interaction. Her legs clamped together, her wings shut. Today was not the day.
So Fluttershy set out about the day that was not the day. The first order of business was to find some foliage to hide behind so that she would not be seen. It was instinct more than desire; her mind listened hopefully for the voice of her oldest friend calling out to stop her. Maybe she needed some cheering for another competition. Maybe she wanted to reminisce about flight school. Maybe she wanted to say the same three words and was having all the same problems getting them out and just the sight of her yellow coat would give her the courage to speak out.
Of course not, though. Rainbow Dash was brave.
So the next order was… was…
In all her haste, Fluttershy realized that she hadn’t even stopped to worry what day it was.
Whatever day it was, it dragged by, weighted down by the knowledge that it was not the day. Weighted down by the majority of a lifetime of waiting for the day. Whether it was another work day, or spa day with Rarity, or the day of one of Pinkie Pie’s parties, or a day that would bring back some other power-hungry godlike being bent on some form of disharmony, to Fluttershy it would be just another day that was not the day.
But Fluttershy would listen to the mockingbirds at night and know that tomorrow would be the day. Only mockingbirds who have not found their mate sing at night: the sad song of a mockingbird who has yet to say whatever combination of chirps and whistles correlated to the words Fluttershy longed to say. Mockingbirds are monogamous. To them, those words are forever.
Fluttershy sighed at the thought of a forever with Rainbow Dash.
Fluttershy sighed at the thought of a day with Rainbow Dash.
Fluttershy sighed at the thought of a night with Rainbow Dash.
Fluttershy sighed at the thought of a moment with Rainbow Dash.
Just a moment. Just a touch.
And so, as she crept into bed, Fluttershy stared at her wall. She kept pictures of all her friends there, certainly, for she wouldn’t want any guest to suddenly determine her favorite and ruin the day that would be the day. Only one was at her eye level when she was on her bed. Only one pony’s image filled her eyes as she drifted off – or at least filled her vision, as her eyes were usually occupied by tears. It was only this image that would hear the words that would generally be the last thought of the day for Fluttershy. She would hum, quivering from her crying, the forever-song of the mockingbirds, and use what little courage she could muster to tell the picture the words on her heart.
She would not tell the image she loved it, nor its subject. She would not bid it goodnight. She would be honest with it, with herself. Honesty was, after all, an Element of Harmony.
In the darkness, Fluttershy would tell the image of the pony she loved, “I’d give up forever to touch you.”
In Rainfall, Irrevocable Secrets
First Verse, Second Phrase
Provided one has enough finches, and wants to wake up at dawn, one does not need an alarm clock. Generally, this was Fluttershy’s first thought each morning.
The sun rose slowly – a little more golden than the rest of the day, as it was surrounded by a golden aura of unicorn horn magic from the goddess of the sun. This gold light bathed Fluttershy’s room as she rose to the sound of finches praising Celestia for another day, her own soft yellow coat and wings washed out against the background of her bedroom. She yawned, stretched her front legs, then her wings, then her back legs, and trotted to her window.
As Fluttershy took account of herself for the morning, she knew that today was the day. Generally this was Fluttershy’s second thought each day. The number of days required to make a statement about what Fluttershy’s second thought “generally” was is enough to show how many days were not the day, yet same as it ever was, Fluttershy was committed that it would be the day.
Because today was the day, Fluttershy wasted no time grooming herself for the morning. Because today was the day, she fed her animals as quickly as possible. Because today was the day, she ate only as much breakfast as she needed. Because today was the day, she could only check on any patients staying overnight. Because today was the day, she did not have time to find out why Angel was trying to bar her from leaving in a hurry. Because today was the day, Fluttershy galloped into town. Because today was the day, her heart leapt when the first cloud to disappear did so, delineated by a rainbow blur. Because today was the day, Fluttershy called out to the pegasus that caused the rainbow blur.
“Hey Fluttershy, come to help me clear the clouds?” Rainbow Dash called, chuckling at the thought of the timid pet expert attempting something as violent as kicking the fluffy balls of vapor.
Fluttershy jumped higher than the nearby trees, wings beating madly in excitement. Rainbow Dash saw her! With this burst of joy, she was able to actually say what she had meant to call out: “Hi, Rainbow Dash!”
The sound of her own voice frightened her into realization of the situation. Rainbow Dash saw her. She probably thought Fluttershy was stalking her, or was really challenging her to clear the clouds together, or was using a clever opening line to get her to loosen up so they could get closer and closer and then go home and when two ponies love each other very much and eleven months later the stork and-
Fluttershy found herself back in the state of legs locked, wings closed. Not the best situation when you are in the air. Being just above the trees means you’ve got about two and a quarter seconds before you hit the ground. Fortunately, there was a cloud catching her in two seconds flat.
“Whoa there, ‘Shy,” Rainbow scolded, holding the catching loud in her hooves, “don’t go falling for me”
Fluttershy smiled. Let Rainbow Dash think it for the clever pun and not for the truth behind it. “Sorry,” Fluttershy mumbled, “…a-and thanks for catching me.”
“No probs. So what are you doing hurrying into town this early?”
“W-was I hurrying? I’m sorry.”
“Sorry? What for?”
“I was just-” Fluttershy hid behind her own hair. She had come so far, and was so close, but the feeling of being caught was overwhelming. She needed to move forward, but being too obvious now might ruin her hopes. “I was just wondering if we could spend some time together today.”
“Oh? Doing what?” Rainbow asked. Rainbow asked, with a hint of anticipation. Fluttershy felt a little more confident.
“I… I was wondering… that is, if you wanted to… maybe… we could have tea at my cottage… and… talk about old times?”
The words “old times” hung in Rainbow Dash’s mind. If Fluttershy had said “Come talk about old times at my cottage and have tea,” Rainbow would have kindly reminded Fluttershy that she was not the sit-around-and-have-tea type. When she wasn’t busy napping, she felt a need to move. Yet, the way Fluttershy hid behind her hair and the mention of old times together struck a cord with the cyan pegasus, and she was right back in flight school ready to do anything for the timid filly – even if it meant making the impossible happen. Certainly sitting in one place enjoying tea would be hard, but this was the pony who took a legendary flying maneuver and made it so common that her friends asked her to use it for demolition work.
“I’d love to,” Rainbow Dash finally answered, “but I’ve got a good bit of a workday ahead of me. We’ve got a major downpour that I’m supervising, and it will take the whole team make sure that it produces the maximum precipitation without turning into a dangerous thunderstorm. I should be done late this afternoon, so I will be by right after that.”
Fluttershy smiled wide. For the first time in her life, she struggled to keep her voice down to a normal volume. “Great! I will see you then!” She hopped off the cloud, but hovered over the ground to release excitement through her wings. Rainbow dashed away, waving. Fluttershy waved back. “Do well with your downpour!” she called. In the back of Rainbow Dash’s head, she noted the last time she heard Fluttershy yell that loud was when she preformed the Sonic Rainboom.
Scratch that, it was the time at the Gala when she was trying to get the animals to love her.
Tea is a very interesting drink. The slow, gradual eating preferences of ponies leant itself to the preparation of bran and grass mash for pleasure, eventually refining itself to what would be considered a high-society beverage. Ponies began to enjoy the delicacy of a warm tea, and built a culture around the kind conversations and sophisticated manners of a proper tea time.
Rainbow Dash was in it for the sugar cubes, though. One or two in the tea, one or two on her plate, one or two tucked in a saddlebag for later, and an afternoon tea became enjoyable for Equestria’s fastest flyer.
Fluttershy stuck to her word: she indeed talked to Rainbow Dash about old times over the din of the hearty downpour. They reminded each other of a few of their favorite moments together in flight school, and of stories they had on separate occasions. They smiled at their old games and made each other laugh with quotes from adolescent movies. Fluttershy reveled in hearing of Rainbow Dash’s boredom with higher math courses and pranks she played on Gilda, just glad to know a little more about her. She had a mission, though, and so the point came to steer the mare into the desired conversation.
“So, Rainbow Crash,” Fluttershy segued from a story of how she earned the infamous nickname, “Why did you stick up for me all those times?”
Rainbow Dash smirked. “I guess you could say that I had a soft spot for you. Flying came so naturally to me, and you could barely avoid tripping over your mane. I thought it was unfair of the bullies to tease you when you were trying your hardest, so I decided to give them a taste of their own medicine.”
“Well, it was always appreciated.”
“So, Klutzershy,” Rainbow Dash shot back, “Why did you always come to me for help? Why not a teacher or something?”
Fluttershy blushed. This was going so well. “I… I suppose I… I liked being rescued.” She took a sip of tea to allow those words to hang on their minds for a moment. “I knew you were brave, and such a good flyer, but… I could see that you got picked on too. It was funny, the bullies picked on me for being so old for our class, and you for being so young, as if they couldn’t decide. I… I guess I just thought… that you’d help me by showing them that… and you did…” she held onto that last word – knowing that the next thing she said could be the beginning of the fulfillment of all she had been waiting for since those days, she wanted it to be perfect. “…and I thought, we… could compliment each other, that despite our differences we could share each others feelings, because… I know that… you’d feel me… somehow.”
Rainbow Dash smiled. “I know what you mean. No matter what has happened in the past few years with the other Elements of Harmony, we share that connection. You’re the best friend I’ve had in my life.”
Rainbow reached over and hugged Fluttershy, and the yellow pegasus breathed easy for the first time since her guest arrived. Finally, everything was going right.
“Woah, I think it’s getting late, though, Fluttershy. It was nice talking. Thanks for the tea. I’ve got to get home.”
That was not what Fluttershy had in mind. It was all she could do to barely mumble a stock farewell as Rainbow fluffed her feathers to prepare for the flight and, waving again, smiling happily, flew towards her home.
Fluttershy watched her fly away. In his hutch, Angel sighed heavily, having witnessed the whole evening, silently hoping for the outcome that would bring a welcome revival to Fluttershy’s spirits. Instead, he found himself hopping out to pat her leg.
Then something came over her. Fluttershy knew that this was, by far, the best chance she had ever had to tell Rainbow Dash how she had felt for all this time. She could not let it pass.
“Angel, please make sure everyone is taken care of in this downpour. I will be back.” With that, Fluttershy flew off. Angel saw her resolved, and once more wished deep in his heart that things would turn out well for his friend.
In Rainfall, Irrevocable Secrets
First Verse Remainder and Chorus
Rainbow Dash’s cloud house still hung under the rainclouds, being reinforced with pegasus magic. She could keep the house higher, but she wanted to experience the weather with her friends, and with Ponyville in general so that she could know firsthoof how she was doing as a weather pony. Aloofness of a weather controller was often a complaint, especially in earth-pony cities, and Rainbow Dash was appreciated for living under her own weather. She also loved rain. It may have been hard to fly in, but the sensation of water pouring down over her gave her a powerful sense of connection with the universe. So she stayed a few moments more outside her home, reveling in the elements.
Not far behind, another figure approached. Knowing the limits of her friend, Rainbow Dash was shocked to see that she flew this high to see her, let alone in a downpour.
“Fluttershy? What are you doing? It must be terrible out here for a pony like you.”
“Not as terrible as not telling you what I’ve been meaning to say!”
It was, uniquely, Rainbow’s turn to mumble, “What?” in pure disbelief of her friend’s actions. Whether Fluttershy heard her over the rain or not, she kept on.
“Rainbow, you’re the best friend I have ever had too. You’re the only pony I know who lifts me up, who believes in me.”
“Fluttershy, this is crazy! I mean, we’re friends, but I’m sure there are plenty of ponies who treat you just as well! I mean, I even tried to convince Twilight not to take you along when we went to fight the dragon you scared off! I’m happy to be close to you, and it was a great evening, but you need to get home out of this weather before you get seriously hurt!”
Fluttershy breathed in deeply. Now or never. “Dying would be noting compared to what I go through! For years, all I have wanted to do is be with you! I love you, Rainbow Dash! You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be! I can’t go another day without you knowing!”
Rainbow Dash sunk a few feet, wings frozen with the rest of her in disbelief. She found herself in a heap on the clouds in front of her house. Fluttershy limped up to her, feathers soaking, mane falling below her hooves in the weight of the precipitation.
“Please, Rainbow. I… I know this is awkward… and I’m sorry if this was a bad time… but I need you to hear this, and…” She began to cry, cry so moved that it was noticeable even against the rain. “…and I don’t want to go home right now.”
Rainbow Dash said the only thing that could come to her mind. “You – you love me? Love me?”
Fluttershy turned away, but silently nodded.
“Fluttershy… I had no idea… I don’t know what to say. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me…” Rainbow Dash suddenly realized just how long they had stood outside in her expertly-crafted downpour. “Would you, would you like to come in, have a bit of hay or something?”
“All I can taste,” Fluttershy said, using the words she had crafted for this moment after years of hoping, “is this moment, and all I can breathe is your life.”
It was too much for Rainbow Dash. She flew a few feet up and banged her head against her hooves. “Ugh! Why here, why now?! Fluttershy, can’t you just go home and rest and we can talk about this when it’s not a torrential rain?”
“Rainbow, I am sorry. I guess I could, I suppose I can last, ‘cause sooner or later it’s over, it’s just…” She finally looked up, “I’ve missed you. I’ve been so close to you all this time, but still I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you every day for all these years and… and I just don’t want to miss you tonight.”
“Fluttershy,” Rainbow floated down to her friend’s level and hugged her softly. “Fluttershy, I meant what I said. You’re the closest friend I’ve ever had. You’ve brought me happiness. You brought me Tank! You’ve believed in me when nopony else did, even when I wouldn’t do the same. But why now? Why haven’t you ever mentioned that you like mares?”
“It… it just never came up… and, well… I don’t want my friends to feel differently about me all of a sudden… and outside that… I know you all would support me… but I am not sure about anypony else… and I don’t want the world to see me… I don’t want to go to a Ponyville pride parade or anything… I just want to live my life… but… I can’t go on without letting you know… how deeply I do love you.”
“Why not tell your friends though?”
“Because… I don’t think that they’d understand. I’m sure they’d be understanding, but I don’t think that they’d understand. I’ve been afraid they would assume things about the time we spent together. So I promised myself I wouldn’t let that possibility get in the way of my closest friends”
“But all of a sudden you can break that promise now?”
“I knew this day would come when I made that promise. It was a promise meant to be broken, like everything else.” Like my own heart, she couldn’t bear to admit.
“So, what do you want from me?”
“Well…” What was it Fluttershy wanted? She knew she didn’t want to force her friend into a relationship that would tie her down, or be something she didn’t want. And as the night wore on and her coat and mane got more and more soaked, she was starting to realize that the night would not hold the ending she wanted. But she pressed on – why? “When… when everything’s made to be broken… I… just want… you to know… who I am.” She looked up, crying harder than she could remember. “I’m a mother-bucking fillyfooler. And I love you.”
Rainbow couldn’t remember hearing Fluttershy swear, or use such a derogatory epithet, especially against a group that she apparently was a part of. But there was only one thing the Element of Loyalty could do in this situation.
“Fluttershy, I love you, but not in the way you need me to. Not in the way you love me. I’m not attracted to mares. I will never stop loving you as my dearest friend, and I will do everything I can to make sure that you don’t have to go through the pain you feel because of me. But I can’t love you like you love me.”
Fluttershy wept. She cried until she couldn’t produce tears anymore. Then she collapsed into a shaking heap in front of Rainbow Dash, and took all the energy she had been using to keep her composure and redirected it into a squeaking wail that Rainbow knew, had it come from one of their other friends, would be heard in Canterlot. She screamed with every ounce of her being, until finally, her scream, unbroken, became the volume of her normal scream, and faded into inaudibility. Her mouth was still locked in the scream, until, out of tears to cry of a voice to wail with, she sputtered and coughed, and passed out for a moment, having screamed until she could not breathe.
The flight back to her cottage, draped over Rainbow Dash’s shoulders, barely registered in her consciousness. Having come to, she flapped her wings, opened the door, walked up the stairs, and got into bed, her oldest friend and unrequited love supporting most of her weight the entire time. Rainbow hugged her, noticeably holding back, and quietly left, crying herself.
Angel left his hutch and hopped into Fluttershy’s bed with her. No words were said, but even the simple bunny could read what had happened to the poor pegasus. Curling into a ball just under her front hooves, Angel nuzzled her to sleep, and wished upon every star of Luna’s mane that his friend, despite loosing everything she wanted, would at least find a closure she needed.
In Rainfall, Irrevocable Secrets
Provided one has enough finches, and wants to wake up at dawn, one does not need an alarm clock. Generally, this was Fluttershy’s first thought each morning.
Such a rhythm of life does not work well when dark clouds cover the sky.
Darkness blanketed Fluttershy’s room as she stirred, her dark yellow coat and wings washed in the rain she had soaked her bed with the night before. She opened her eyes, remembered everything that had happened, and tried to resume crying from where her tears gave out the night before.
Angel woke to this, having slept very lightly to wait for Fluttershy to stir. He tried to comfort her, watching her shake in the hopes of mourning her pain away.
Nothing came. No tears, no wails, not even a whimper. In her heart, she had prepared for this day, and despite the pain of it all happening the last night, there would be no more crying for Fluttershy.
Angel nuzzled comfortingly despite the pegasus’s inability to cry. “It’s okay, Angel,” she reassured her faithful nurse. “I’m not crying anymore, and you can’t fight the tears that ain’t comin’.” She winked halfheartedly at the rabbit and rose to start her day.
Fluttershy spent a good deal of time in her shower. She maintained a few clean clouds for rainy days. She contemplated the oddity of wanting to take a long shower after being drenched, but it worked to make her feel marginally better. She let the clean water of the shower wash over her, and smiled softly as she hung her head. She spent a great deal of time against a brushing post, having no unicorn magic to manipulate a hairbrush, and no digits to grasp such an object as it was designed for. On this day, though, the brushing was slower, and took even longer than normal. When she finally walked down the stairs, she looked about. Angel was doing what he could to get a few of the animals fed, but smiled halfheartedly at the pegasus built to do the heavy lifting.
“That’s right, Angel, I’m here to help. There is nothing in the world I love more than helping these animals. It fills me with happiness and-” Angel gave her a look, sympathetic, but clearly conveying that he would be disappointed if this was the way his friend was to deal with her pain. “I’m sorry, Angel. I guess I have to deal with this. I guess you can’t fight the tears that ain’t comin’ or the moment the truth in you lies.”
With that, they started a day as natural as they could make it. Fluttershy finished feeding the animals, and went to check the overnight patients. Having taken a slow day, they were already stirring, so Fluttershy took the time to talk to each of them and find how they had slept. The patients happily noted her seemingly new concern, having brushed off her quick pace as not being a morning pony, and lifted her with their appreciation of waking to the same famous care as they would receive in the afternoons.
With that, Angel prodded Fluttershy into the kitchen. There, they sat down to a full breakfast. Fluttershy tried eating, slowly at first, her body grateful for the fuel after a long, traumatic evening. As her body recovered, though, it only made her feel worse about her situation. How dare her body feel relief when her soul was in misery? She slouched backwards and began to cry again.
Angel cocked his head, an expression of sorrow on his face. Fluttershy sobbed, “How can I go on, Angel? Is this even real? It’s all like a terrible nightmare, or a horrifying movie, and what do you do when everything feels like the movies?” Angel, even if he could respond, did not know what he would say. Instead, he came around the table and took Fluttershy’s hoof, and nuzzled her arm. Fluttershy did not react; her tears would not be stopped anytime soon. Eventually, she leaned forward to finish breakfast, and Angel went back to his.
When the meal was done, Angel retired to the kitchen to wash up. Fluttershy took a few of her dishes to the sink, and, setting them down, lingered a while in the kitchen. Angel, concentrating on work, thought nothing of it; she was doing everything slow today. The rain continued to fall. Angel finished his cleaning, and began to put the dishes away. As he did so, he noticed a knife missing from the knife block. A moment passed as he considered this, then he was suddenly overwhelmed by the worst-case scenario of why a knife would be missing in the kitchen of a devastatingly depressed pegasus. Frightened, he rushed out of the kitchen to find Fluttershy on the couch, knife in mouth, slicing into the back of her forearm’s cannon. Angel rushed forward – his knowledge of medicine reminded him that she was not getting near to any major veins – and tried to get Fluttershy to put back the knife.
The yellow pegasus was barely bleeding, thankfully. She had cut deep enough that it would most likely leave a scar. A surgeon’s control and knowledge guided her as she finished the last cut and volunteered the knife to Angel, who hopped to her arm to examine closely. There, in shallow cuts, rough yet recognizable as Fluttershy’s mouthwriting, was a name:
RAINBOW DASH
She had written backwards from the bottom, and must have realized that her time was short before Angel would intervene: the “ASH” bled slowly and would be recognizable for years, the nursing bunny conjectured, while the rest was just noticeably cut into the skin. Angel carefully took the knife out of Fluttershy’s reach, then slapped her across the face and gave her a disappointed look.
“I… I’m sorry Angel,” Fluttershy cried. “I… I just… I hurt so much… so much on the inside… I just wanted a physical pain… something I knew would go away… I just feel dead… and I wanted to feel… just to feel… anything…” She buried her head in her wounded arm. “When you feel so empty… you bleed just… to know you’re alive.”
Angel didn’t know what to say or do. The best thing he could think of, though was to have Fluttershy get help. So he bounced over to the wall and pointed up at a picture of Twilight Sparkle.
“I guess you’re right, Angel. Twilight Sparkle is desperately alone, but she doesn’t cut herself. I mean… as far as we know. She is a good role model for living with unfulfilled love. I mean, how could her love be returned by an immort-”
Angel cut her off with a well-placed carrot toss across the nose. He then point squarely at Fluttershy and then pointed to a picture of the Books and Branches Library.
“Alright! I admit it! I want to be a tree so I carved the name of the mare I love into myself! That’s where I got the idea. How does it help-”
Another carrot. This time, Angel pantomimed Fluttershy’s walk between pointing to Fluttershy and pointing to the library, then pointed again at Twilight Sparkle and said a few words in Bunny.
“Oh no! I could never tell Twilight… what would she think of me? I couldn’t risk losing another friend.”
Angel hopped in front of the pegasus, and, instead of his usual bombardment, gave her a sad, pleading stare.
“Oh… alright. I’ll head over if it will make you happy. But I won’t promise I’ll tell her. Maybe just talking with someone else will clear my mind.”
Angel sighed in relief. He watched Fluttershy carefully as she put herself into a warm raincoat and checked to make sure her cuts were concealed by its sleeve.
“Ok, I’m going… are you sure you’ll be alright?”
Angel nodded.
“Ok… maybe… should I do the evening feeding first?”
Angel shook his head and pointed out the door.
“Oh… ok. Right. I’ll get going.” She left.
Knowing her well, Angel locked the door. Sure enough, there was a thump as Fluttershy tried to reenter the house.
Muffled by the door, Fluttershy sighed one last “Oh… ok.”
Angel watched her head down the path towards Ponyville as long as he could. From her trot and her countenance, he seemed assured that the pegasus would continue to her destination. He sighed and looked about the cottage, holding the feeling in his heart that he did the right thing for strength to go about his and Fluttershy’s chores for the evening.
In Rainfall, Irrevocable Secrets
Twilight Sparkle watched the seemingly endless rain wash down the window that looked over her balcony. Few ponies wanted to go out in the rain, let alone to the underused library, so Twilight found the time to indulge in her favorite rainy-day pastime of watching the rain, drinking tea, and reading a technical book about rain. At Rainbow Dash’s suggestion, she had chosen Cloudsdale’s Cumulus Combine: The Fact-finders Friend for Fabulous Factory Facts (or, as Rainbow had put it, “I dunno what you should read. Maybe something about the weather factory?”) Having toured the facility herself, Twilight took great interest at learning its history, giggling softly whenever she came across a picture of something she had seen firsthoof. She had just gotten to a page regarding the invention of the hailstone layering process when she was interrupted by a knock at the door.
Twilight headed down the stairs, knowing that her cold-blooded dragon was up in their bedroom sleeping under a thick pile of blankets. Not wanting to keep a patron waiting in the rain, opened the door magically. Fluttershy was waiting, and took no time stepping in.
“Hello Fluttershy!” Twilight smiled, happy to see her friend. “Please come in! Take off that soaking raincoat.”
Fluttershy started to do so, but then remembered the main reason for having it on. “Oh... um… Twilight?” she mumbled, “would… I mean, if it’s alright with you… may I keep it on… for a while?”
Twilight thought nothing of the request other than to offer Fluttershy a spot in the warmest part of the interior. “So,” she inquired, “what brings you out here in this weather?”
“Well…” Fluttershy began, in a characteristic stumbling over her own words, “I… wanted to talk to you about something.”
Twilight may have spent most of her life caring more about studying than relationships, but she could tell something was troubling her friend. “Well, don’t worry, I’m here for you. You can tell me.”
Fluttershy relaxed a little. “Well… um… I don’t know how to start… have I ever told you… I like mares?”
Twilight cocked her head. “You mean, you’re attracted to mares… physically? I don’t think you have.”
“Oh… I’m sorry…” Fluttershy shrunk back.
“Have I ever told you I like stallions?”
“Well…” Fluttershy thought seriously about this. “No, I guess you haven’t.”
“Then you’ve got nothing to be sorry about. I can understand wanting to keep your romantic feelings private.” A quiet moment passed. “So, is this about me?”
“Oh, no, not that you aren’t attractive and a wonderful mare and would make a good marefriend, but…”
Twilight tried to help Fluttershy along. “It’s okay, I promise I won’t tell anyone without your consent.”
Fluttershy shivered a bit, hoping Twilight would assume it was from the cold rain. “Well, I’ve had a crush… on Rainbow Dash… for a long time now. It started back when we were in flight school.”
“I see,” Twilight nodded, confirming in her head all the times Rainbow had made a racy comment about a stallion. Fluttershy probably didn’t know, though, judging by the way her friends treated her when it came to more vulgar concepts. “So, have you talked to Rainbow Dash about this?”
Fluttershy nodded and whimpered.
“Is that why you came to see me?”
Fluttershy curled into herself, but nodded again.
“Because she doesn’t like mares like you do.”
A tear rolled down Fluttershy’s cheek in response.
“Oh, Fluttershy, you must feel terrible. I’m so sorry for you.” Twilight gave her friend a close hug.
Fluttershy nuzzled her thankfully, but stood and said, “There’s… a little more to it.”
“Oh?”
Fluttershy unbuttoned her jacket and let it fall off her legs. Twilight glanced at her, realizing this was supposed to be an explanation. When her gaze came to the cuts in her friend’s leg, she gasped. “Oh, Fluttershy, are you okay? Did you do that to yourself?”
Fluttershy looked down for a moment, away from the wound, and nodded slowly.
“Have you told anyone else?”
Fluttershy shut her eyes tight. “I don’t want the world to see me… not like this.”
“Not even any of our friends?”
“I just don’t think that they’d understand.”
Twilight realized why her friend came to her. She wanted help. Psychology is a basis of the Magic of Friendship, so Twilight knew a great deal about mental illness. Of course, as far as she knew, Fluttershy was a pony in her right mind, but she still checked off a few things from her mental checklist.
“Have you ever cut yourself before?”
Fluttershy shook her head no.
“Have you ever done something, even something small, to hurt yourself?”
Fluttershy winced. “Every once in a while, I try to stop eating… I just think… I don’t deserve food. It’s never lasted a whole two days.”
Twilight nodded. “Did you cut yourself because you feel you deserved the pain?”
“No, I just felt… like it didn’t matter. Like… nothing lasts, so… when everything’s meant to be broken… what does it matter?”
“Have you ever wanted to hurt someone else?”
Fluttershy looked up and gave a firm “No.”
Twilight tried to be soft with her, “Do you hear voices telling you to hurt yourself, or things that make you feel bad about yourself?”
Fluttershy turned back, “You think I’m crazy.”
Twilight rushed forward and hugged her friend tight. “I don’t, Fluttershy. It’s just hard to take this in, so I’m processing it through analysis. It’s how I cope. Please, I promise this is the last question.”
Fluttershy nodded in understanding, not breaking the hug. “No, I don’t hear voices. I don’t know why I thought of this – though when I was talking it out with Angel, I said it may stem from my wanting to be a tree.”
In a moment of relief, they both giggled softly at the pun. Twilight leaned in. “Oh Fluttershy, I know you know cutting yourself is not something you should do. I mean, you’re a doctor. You took an oath to ‘first, do no harm.’ It’s okay to feel sad.”
Fluttershy nuzzled into her unicorn friend. “Thank you, Twilight. I am glad you understand.” She giggled a little. “Although veterinarians usually don’t take the Androcratic Oath.”
Twilight tilted her neck in a pony shrug. “Would you believe I’ve never studied that?”
Fluttershy giggled a little more. “Still, I think I’ll be fine. It is nice to talk to someone about this. All of this, these things I kept to myself… it’s good to let them out. I just want you to know who I am.”
She broke their embrace, but kept her hooves on her friend’s shoulders. “I am glad you told me. Still, you should tell someone else.” Twilight saw the fear building in her friend’s eyes. “Not Rainbow Dash, you’ve admitted to her that you have feelings for her, she’s got enough on her plate. Pinkie Pie is good for keeping secrets, but we know she deals with depression hard too. Plus, she’d throw you a coming out party before you could stop her.”
The two mares giggled. “Yeah,” Fluttershy said, “I’m not quite ready for that much attention yet.”
Twilight nodded. “I would say the same about Rarity and depression, but for one, I think most of it is an act. She just thinks damsels should be distressed. Helping a friend through real depression might help her to feel better. Plus, I don’t think she’d miss that during a spa day.”
Fluttershy winced. “Yeah, I guess I can only wear sweaters for so long.”
Twilight added, “But being out of town, it’s probably a good idea if you told Applejack. At least about the cutting, I don’t know how her country morals would view your sexual preference. So keep the sweater on until you’re ready for that.”
Fluttershy nodded. “There’s… one more friend I would like to tell about it, Twilight, but… I sort of… need your help.”
Twilight looked at her inquisitively. “Oh? Who’s that?”
Fluttershy drew a small circle in the floor with her hoof. “I know… I know now, through you, that Princess Celestia isn’t some omniscient, all-powerful being. But she still is an ancient and wise pony, plus, she is our close friend. I guess… it would make me feel better if we told her, as part of a friendship report.”
Twilight nodded. “She may not be a goddess in the sense of the old views revered her, but she does care deeply for all her subjects, especially us. I think it’s a wonderful idea.”
And so Twilight picked up a quill with her magic, and the two went off to write.
In Rainfall, Irrevocable Secrets
Dear Princess Celestia,
When you love a pony, sometimes it can be hard to tell them. It’s especially hard when your feelings are not returned. Although you can continue your friendship, the time you spent with them can hurt.
It is important, though, to remain calm and carry on. My friend Fluttershy has learned this. Though she took temporary solace in hurting herself, she has learned that there are better ways to deal with one’s pain. So please, remember Fluttershy’s kindness, and have your sun warm her as she starts life with her true self in the open. She asks this kindly of you. As she has said, “I don’t want the world to see me, because I don’t think that they’d understand, but when everything’s meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.” Please, know that Fluttershy is always your loyal subject in all kindness. And I, as always am
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle
