The we-all-hate-you agent visits Starlight!

by Sense of Humor

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Other, Starlight Glimmer, Random, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2397

A so-called agents tells Starlight that everyone hates her.

Starlight never knew or even suspected in her life that she was a hated character, never in a million years. Luckily for her, a specific green reptilian creature arrives to explain things to her. The conversation goes just about as well as you'd expect.

Published 2017-06-12 16:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-06-12 16:30:06 UTC

Here, have a seat! Any tea, my dear?

“...hmm...sawks. Okay.”

Starlight sighed curiously as she squinted to read the label of the package again, interested by the look of these ‘socks’ from the front cover told her. The packaging displayed pony hooves dressed in these socks, though it looked as simple to wear as gloves and weren't anything special; the real thing was just your average wool tubes of turquoise fabric with white lines in it. Her magic aura began to open the bag with ease and soon she was holding all four socks towards the window for her to better see them. Nothing special beheld her eyes, just like before. Just regular socks.

She looked back towards the packaging and then found herself staring at the socks again. The unicorn had no idea what Pinkie was ranting on about earlier in the day, but nothing seemed horrific about these particular socks. Starlight rolled her eyes and chided herself for thinking any differently, before using her magic to slip on the wool tubes without trouble. They fit snugly from her hooves to her knees, not too loose and not too tight around her either...just perfect and a bit warm too. An odd combination, since they came from YakYakistan’s cold mountains, but she wasn't complaining.

The mare trotted down the stairs when she grew comfortable in her socks, a little too much to take them off right away. Besides, she couldn't miss the opportunity to walk around the castle in socks; an experience that could be prove to be positively different from walking regularly on crystal floors. Just as she'd hoped, moving across the floors and hallways was like walking on one big rug that was stupid soft and sank slightly with each step she took. Perhaps now she could see why Pinkie was eager to have her get these babies on--she was going to be addicted to them by the end of the day, if things felt this good.

"Twilight?" The unicorn wandered into the kitchen, possibly out of hunger more than it being a possible place that Twilight was in. She wasn't there, but this didn't matter much; when was the last time she ever saw Twilight in a kitchen in the morning? That mare was no cook. She somehow managed to burn orange juice when she was making breakfast for a sickly Spike once. Then twice.

Starlight trotted out of the kitchen with the bounce in her step heightened in order to test out the comfortability of her socks-- which were unbelievably comfortable even now. "Twilight? You in the library? Spike?" She called once more, nearing the library in time to catch a soft sound coming from past the doors. It was difficult to make out even when she opened the doors and wandered inside... but only because most of her focus was on the darkness of the room.

"Huh? Why are all the windows shut?" The room was barely recognizable in the dark; chairs and furniture were blurred by the obsidian atmosphere like a painting sprayed with ink. No one in the castle normally left it this dark, since no one really touched the windows to begin with. Still, it didn't confuse her to the point of suspicion or anything and she quickly assumed that Twilight meant to do that. "I guess I'll just bring a few of these up..." Her magical aura began to lift the window's curtains to let in sunlight, starting with the first two on her left.

A startled yelp made her bellow a startled yelp herself, but the first yelp turned into a small cough. "Oh. Wait. That sunblock concoction I devised earlier is still in effect! For how long, is beyond me...hmmm. D'oh! Where are my manners today?" The somewhat strangely accented voice spoke in a highly sophisticated manner, seeming to come from a sofa with it's back turned to her. The mare's eyes widened when a wiry, scaley hand appeared from the side of the sofa and beckoned to her with one of three clawed fingers. "Do come and seat yourself, Starlight! I can assure you with utmost seriousness that I do not bite...well, currently I don't."

Starlight's mind created a traffic jam for itself just by listening to what she had heard and what she had seen; what creature had three fingers and could talk? None of Equestria's bestiary books had anything like what had invited her. Plus, things got creepier when she added 'it knows my name' to the list. Looking at the back of the sofa with worried apprehension, the unicorn decided that she wasn't going to get any answers just standing there. She slowly stalked in a wide circle to the side of the sofa before finally reaching the sofa opposite to this creature's.

Her face took on a bug eyed expression almost immediately.

The creature was probably inch or two shorter than her, with a bodily shape similar to that of a small chimpanzee albeit with smaller legs. Its body was completely dotted with snake/alligator hybrid scales despite having two huge batlike ears that gave it the impression of a demon mammal or something. Intelligently, two huge red eyes gazed into her own with black slits for pupils and a cat-like grin offered a glimpse of needle teeth. If it weren't for the neatly ironed business shirt, pants & snazzy glasses, he would've looked downright terrifying. Heck, Starlight still felt a sense of fear slithering into her.

"Ah, Starlight Glimmer! Just as lovely as I've been told you are! Well, compared with the other equines I've acquainted myself with on the way here. You are a hospitable species, you know. I've been met with nothing but generosity in my time here...love the socks; they're quite fashionable!" He somehow managed to lean forward enough to grasp one of her front hooves and shake it in a very civilised manner. She fought the urge to whimper from the icky feeling of his hand and waaay too sharp claws against her socks. "You seem a bit perplexed by me, I'm afraid. Is it, perhaps, my tie that disturbs you? I tried to choose something both to my liking and somewhat that would match the glasses."

Her eyes flickered to the tie she never noticed before and then back up. "I...uh...N-No. Its not the...uh...It's..." Against her better judgement, she shook her head and closed her eyes. "I'm sorry--whats happening here? Who are you, exactly?"

"Me? I'm quite sorry to tell you that I have no name, other than the title given to my particular job. " One of his hands flicked and a business card appeared. It was soon shoved into her hoof for closer inspection. "I am popularily known as the We-all-hate-you-Agent from PimpSlap agencies. You may call me...er...Ted, if you so desire."

Starlight blinked and felt the urge to sit in the opposite sofa, so that she wouldn't drop on the spot. "We-all-hate-you-Agent? PimpSlap Agencies? Ted?"

He nodded, pausing moment to puff from that expensive looking pipe of his. "Precisely! We are an agency dating back to Dark Age times, if my memory serves me right and we are still going strong even under the presidency of the orange one." Ted shuddered momentarily, as if something actually scared him before he focused again. "To put it simply, we explain to various characters from a money making franchise that they have grown old, their jokes are getting sour, their breath is too bad, etc. Then, unless they manage to clean up their act following a week's time, I get the pleasure of eating them!"

Silence blared into the huge room afterwards, dancing around a bright smile and a disgusted frown.

"Ha Ha! I got you there, didn't I? But seriously, they are kicked off their franchise if they don't do anything. Write them out of the show and all, you know."

"Wait. Really?" Starlight rubbed her chin curiously. This revelation might actually explain a lot. Characters she met at random from other franchises disappeared at random for no reason and things just seemed to carry on without them. "So...You're the cause for certain people leaving their businesses?"

"There are other agents, but yes!" Ted confirmed.

"So, you were responsible for Brandy and Mr.Whiskers?"

"Positively."

" Spiderwick Chronicles?"

"That's right."

"The Care Bears movie and it's sequels?"

"They fought long and hard, but eventually lost to us."

"Han Solo's death?"

"That was actually a franchise decision."

"Why isnt Teen Titans Go off the air?"

The little green businessman frowned to himself. "We're working on it, trust me. They've got loopholes."

Starlight practically ignored that last line as her mind raced with more questions concerning his knowledge of the franchises and how he ended the career of some characters within them. However, one question bloodied fought it's way to the top of her list and she stared at Ted a little closer. "So, if you do all that...why are you here?"

"Right! The reason I'm here is to give your fair warning a week in advance, so that you can make the proper ramifications to save your job. " He explained brightly, needlike teeth gleaming in the sunlight.

"Save my job...? Wait...WHAT?!" He voice reached a shrill high by the end of her rambling. "You mean I'm gonna be written of my show?!"

"Well, it's not entirely your show, but yes! " He held up a clipboard she hadn't even noticed before, holding a thick stack of papers in its metal grasp. "We have quite the record on you!"

Her ears drooped. "You...do?"

Ted's claws tapped against the first page of the stack. "More than 79% of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic's audience has deemed you...oh, shall we say...loathsome! Yes! That's the proper word. Take this comment for example," He pointed at a paragraph of writing printed out in Comic sans. " An anonymous brony fellow said" 'Starlight is your typical Mary Sue-- an insult to the rest of the show. Her back story is filled with many problems that could've been solved had she actually tried talking to her friend instead of whining about it. Not to mention blindly ruining the future several times because of that back story.' "

"I was emotional, geez!" Starlight crossed her forelegs with a growl. "Like nopony would rip apart the fabric of time and reality if their best friend abandoned them."

"Another viewer remarked this on a clip of the season 7 premiere! 'Is Starlight going to graduate from her student position? It's a bit too early to do that, but hey! Whatever gets her off the show quicker!' "

Starlight rolled her eyes, though she seemed to grow a tad more nervous. "Well, I didn't really want to stop being her Student...hence why I stayed. I totally wasn't ready to leave."

" 'Ugh, they're gonna take attention away from the main characters and give it to her! C'mon, couldn't we just have several episodes of Diamond Tiara. Her voice makes my ears bleed, but not as much as Starlight."

"But I've only been in like, less than fifty episodes!" Starlight practically wailed.

"Starlight sucks."

"Well screw you, too! Whoever you are!"

"Anyone else think that Spider-man might steal the gauntlet in Infinity War, when all the Avengers are defeated and then he saves the world?"

"What?"

"Oops. I must've pulled that one from the wrong fandom. " He coughed to compose himself "But, anyways, you now see just a glimpse of the severity of your problem. The other agents actually wished to boot you off with no notice. I find you quite interesting on the contrary, so I was able to give you this week's warning."

Starlight made a face at his words, not are what to think about them. "You find me interesting, how exactly?"

"The move to reform yourself is so inspiring, what with your multiple apologies and your purposely close friendship with your former teacher! Then, there's the constant reminders of your horrible past directly in your face!" Ted offered giddly, leaned towards the bemused pony. "And don't even get me started on your kite fetish!"

"Kite fetish?" Starlight chuckled nervously and rubbed her foreleg with a hoof. "I-I don't have a--"

"SHUT YOUR FAT, PURSING LIPS STARLIGHT! I'M HERE TO RESCUE YOU!"

"Huh?" Starlight and Ted blinked in confusion as a noodle shaped creature with mismatched animal body parts fell from the ceiling and landed ungracefully on the crystal floor. He got up to pose heroically, thus revealing an expensive suit he was wearing. "Discord? Why are you wearing a tuxedo?"

The tuxed out draconequus pointedly ignored her and glared daggers at Ted, who struggled to comprehend what he was looking at. "You think you can come in here, steal my client's reputation and just walk away?"

Ted, not moving his head, blinked and looked around. "Yes?"

"Weeeeeeell, you have another thing coming to you! As her current lawyer in this matter, I will use every inch of my power to make sure she stays within her show!" He scoffed at the tiny clipboard., nostrils flaring. "And if you think that a couple of basic Youtube comments will be enough to boot her off, think again!"

"Er...we have much more evidence than this, actually!" Ted nervously crawled out of his chair. "Yes, lots and lots more evidence!"

Starlight narrowed her eyes, briefly forgetting her confusion about Discord's intentions. "Like what?"

"Please, Starlight. I'll handle this." Discord politely shushed her, before glaring at Ted again. "Like what?"

"Like I would give you anything to use against me! Good day to you!"

The greenish creature sped from the the room shortly after that, the only evidence of him being there was...the positioning of the sofas. Starlight blankly stared at Discord for the longest time and after carefully selecting one out of a thousand questions in her head, she croaked: "Are you really my lawyer in this?"

"Trust me, I may not have done this in Millenia," The draconequus declared. "But I have great skill in law!"

"Uh huh." The unicorn began to slowly stalk towards the door. "Excuse me while I go cry in a corner of my room, again."

Discord snatched her up in heartbeat and grinned abnormally. "No time for that! We have a defense to prepare for!"

Author's Note

I gotta stop doing this writing stuff late at night.