No Ugly Vampires

by totallynotabrony

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Comedy, Fleur de Lis, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1245

Hayseed Turniptruck will do anything to win the affection of the beautiful Rarity. He's gotten desperate. Girls like vampires, right? Unfortunately, he fails to consider a very important part of vampirism.

Hayseed Turniptruck will do anything to win the affection of the beautiful Rarity. He's gotten desperate. Girls like vampires, right?

Unfortunately, he fails to consider a very important part of vampirism.

Published 2017-05-02 13:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2017-05-02 13:10:02 UTC

They Suck

"Pleeeease turn me into a vampire," Hayseed Turniptruck begged.

"No," said Fleur dis Lee. "Go away."

Hayseed had cornered her at a curbside café. Fleur stayed under the umbrella sunshades over the tables. On the table in front of her was a fashion magazine and a glass of what might be tomato juice. Or it might not.

"But I'm doing it for love!" Hayseed continued.

"Good for you," Fleur grumbled in a tone of voice that had lost patience minutes ago but was still attempting to avoid a public scene even though that opportunity had also been lost minutes ago. The other café patrons were staring. Some were snickering. Some were finding it decidedly less amusing. There was even a monocle popped.

"Come on, we've known each other for a long time," Hayseed pressed. "You'd do this for me, your best friend."

"You're not my best friend. You're not even a friend," Fleur shot back. "You're just some local farmer who forgot that I stopped ordering vegetables and showed up at my house one day with a delivery and saw me drinking blood instead of vegetable juice and now you won't cease bothering me about vampire affairs."

"That's what I said. We've been through a lot together."

Fleur's lips curled, exposing her fangs, but she kept her jaw clamped shut. She ducked her head to avoid Hayseed seeing and getting any ideas.

He fidgeted, tapping his hooves on the pavement. Clack clack clack clack... It looked like he'd gotten shod recently, and probably with the heavy-duty iron shoes that most farmers preferred. They tracked all kinds of dirt all over Canterlot's nice clean sidewalks. Getting away from ponies like him was why Fleur had moved to the fanciest of Equestria's fancy cities. It was why she never stopped looking for more - more money, more pomp and circumstance, more of life's finest things.

The tapping was driving her insane. Fleur snapped her head up. "What would you even do as a vampire? Don't you have to be out in the sun all day pulling weeds or whatever?"

"I don't have to," he said. "I just do it 'cause I like it. But I'd give it up for Rarity."

"Rarity...from Ponyville?" Fleur had met her once.

Hayseed beamed. "She's the best, the turnip of my eye."

"Does she enjoy being compared to a turnip?"

"Who doesn't?"

Fleur shook her head. "You just don't get it, do you? You're...I don't even know what demographic you are. Farmpony? Earthy Equestrian? One does not simply come on to a sophisticated mare and expect her to be into that."

"Oh yeah, I know." Hayseed's head bobbed, his ball cap flopping. "And that's exactly why I need your help! Mares like trashy romance novels, see? That's the kind of thing they want, or think they want."

"How dare you!"

Hayseed pointed a hoof at her. "What was the last book you read?"

Fleur sputtered. "I'm not answering that!"

Hayseed smirked, but went on. "So I thought to myself, all I gotta do is figure out how to be all edgy or something, just like one of them stallions in the harlequin books. Don't ask how many I had to check out of the library for research."

"I couldn't care less."

He ignored her jab. "Anyway, what's the edgiest guy in those stories? It's the dark, supernatural monsters tamed by the love of a mare. So that's what I gotta be. I gotta be a vampire so Rarity will like me."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"Well, what do you suggest I do instead?" Hayseed asked. He gestured around the café. "All these folks here are happy and rich and successful, and they're all vampires."

Suddenly, it wasn't just Fleur staring at him, it was every single pony in the place, waiters and kitchen staff included. Monocles popping like popcorn.

"No they aren't, that's preposterous," Fleur quickly interjected, but she could already hear low murmurs behind her.

"Come on, are you just going to tell me to my face that I'm not good enough to be a vampire?" said Hayseed. "I work hard; I won the blue ribbon in mixed vegetables at the Canterlot Fair three years running. I'm dedicated; I've read seventy two romance novels so far to find out what mares like. I just need to be a vampire to get me that last little bit - to really be somepony."

"That's not how it works," said Fleur. "You don't get to be a vampire to be somepony. You get to be a vampire because you already are somepony."

"Oh." Hayseed sat back. His eyes flicked to the side. A couple of the customers and waiters had come closer. "Okay, if all I need to do is be somepony first, I'll try harder."

"You don't understand." Fleur shook her head. "Being a vampire is permanent. You have to take into consideration everything forever. That's a long time to be stuck with somepony you might not like come the next century."

"I'll still like Rarity next century."

"Yes, but she doesn't like you now!"

"And that just circles back around to what I've been asking for! Being a vampire would solve all my problems!"

Fleur opened her mouth, paused, but then said it anyway. "You're too ugly."

"Huh?"

"Why do you think all those romance novel stallions got laid? Why do you think Rarity doesn't like you now? It's because they were all the pinacle of handsome, and you look like you've been sleeping under a ton of dirt!"

"Well, I have, but-"

"And vampires don't make new vampires who are ugly! Why would you give an ugly pony eternal life? To be stuck with them forever?"

Hayseed put a clove of garlic on the table and glanced pointedly at the waiter creeping up behind him. He turned back to Fleur. "Isn't that the point?"

"That's what I just said," Fleur huffed.

"I mean, together forever. Eternal love."

"But Rarity doesn't love you! And if the single reason she does is because you're a vampire, then hopefully you realize that before you make her one, too."

"I hadn't even considered that." Hayseed put his hoof to his chin. "You think she'd like that? Being a vampire?"

"You're not making Rarity a vampire! I'm not making you a vampire! You're the only one who wants a relationship between the two of you. She doesn't like you because you're ugly, and she doesn't care at all if you have any other redeeming qualities."

Hayseed stared at her for several seconds, his mouth open. He shook his head. "She doesn't?"

"No! I know ponies like that. The two of you aren't going to work."

He blinked several times. "Well, what am I supposed to do now?!"

"Why are you asking me?"

"Well, you sure seem to know a lot about relationships. If me and Rarity aren't going to work out, then who am I supposed to court?"

"Do I look like an expert? Why is it my problem?" Fleur protested.

"Well, you've helped me so much already, and I really appreciate it. But how am I supposed to find somepony else? Rarity was all I ever wanted."

"I'm sure you'll figure it out," said Fleur. "Surely there's somepony who will at least talk to you."

"But I don't even know how to talk to mares."

"You're doing it right now."

He laughed. "You don't count. You're my best friend."