Defenders of the Equiverse
Author's Note
My first attempt at a crack fic. Enjoy.
Defenders of the Equiverse
Equestria. Tirek the Terrible stormed towards the last standing Princess and her friends. Victory was his at last, and with it all the magic of Equis. "Such power!" He exclaimed, "Soon I shall rule all the universe! I... Am... Invincible!!!"
Of course, as the Evil Overlord List warns us, saying those three words is basically an invitation to instant defeat. Before the Centaur even knew what was happening, a Rainbow of Light appeared and washed over him, sapping away all of the powers Tirek had stolen, shrinking him down to his normal weakling self in mere moments. "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" He screamed in a perfect cliched reaction. But it was all for nought. Tirek, overgrown demon centaur thing, terror of ponies everywhere, was defeated.
As their Deus Ex Machina Rainbow Powers faded away, six ponied stood atop a hill, looking down on their vanquished enemy as the magics he had stolen fled back to their rightful owners.
"Ah'm sure glad that worked!" Applejack mused.
"Oh indeed!" Rarity agreed. "I don't know if I could do that again."
"Boo-Yaa!!" Rainbow Dash cheered, pumping her forehooves in the air.
The others began to agree, when suddenly Pinkie Pie began to twitch. "Oh no! Twirly ears, itchy back left hoof, rumbly tummy like that time I ate too many Pop Rocks and Mentos ('The Freshmaker!') and downed a whole two liter of Diet Coke! Girls, we've got trouble!"
"Trouble!? We just beat him!" Rainbow Dash argued.
"Not yet!" Pinkie insisted. "Get ready, this is gonna be bad...!"
XXXXX
Planet Doom. Prince Lothor turned away from his monitor and laughed in Hagar's face. "You've failed again Witch! When my Father the King learns that your Mighty Champion Tirek couldn't even handle these ridiculous equines he'll have your head!" Lothor continued to laugh aloud. "Oh, this is rich! We can't even hold our own against absurd little ponies! Oh, what has happened to the greatness of Planet Doom!?"
"Not so, O Prince." Hagar said. "Tirek is not defeated yet... He just needs a little boost..."
The witch cackled an evil laugh as she gathered power in her staff and send it surging across space, towards Equis and the fallen centaur. Terrible magics poured into Tirek, who roared as he grew, and grew, and grew, larger than before, larger than an Ursa Minor, or even an Ursa Major. The planet Equis now faced it's greatest threat ever... Ro-beast Tirek.
XXXXX
Equestria. Princess Twilight stared up at the enormous centaur. "Girls, it's time." She said. Her eyes narrowed. "Let's. Form. Volpony..."
What happened next can be difficult to properly describe, at least without reducing our potential audience by giving this tale a 'mature' rating. In short, the bodies of the six ponies began to morph into new forms, which then combined with each other (Seriously, weren't you listening!? I said WITHOUT a mature rating! It's not sexual pervs.) to create a large humanoid entity.
Applejack and Pinkie Pie pulled in their legs and flipped upside down, their heads making Volpony's feet, their bodies it's lower legs, and their tails it's upper legs. "Form legs and feet!" They chorused together.
The horns vanished from Rarity and Twilight's heads as the morphed, tucking in their legs and tails, contorting their bodies, and joining to create Volpony's torso and head, Rarity the lower body and Twilight the upper. (NOT. SEXUAL.) Twilight's wings, vastly expanded to match the size of Volpony, spread from it's back. "Form upper and lower torso and head!"
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy became Volpony's arms, their wings disappearing from their own bodies and joining Twilight's wings on Volpony's back, their tails creating the upper arms, and their bodies, legs drawn up, the lower. "Form left and right arms!" They said in unison.
Lyra Heartstrings popped up out of nowhere, a huge smile plastered across her muzzle. "And I'll form the hands!" Lyra's body melted and split in two, each half flying up and attaching to the ends of Volpony's arms, becoming as promised it's hands.
The components of Volpony quickly self-assembled, making a humanoid construct as big as Ro-beast Tirec. The newly formed Volpony momentarily struck a bad-ass pose as Tirec looked on, incredulous. "When did I end up in an anime?" He wondered to himself.
Seven pony voices spoke as one: "Form Blazing Horns!" They said, and slamming the hands together, magically created a huge sword forged from Twilight, Rarity, and Lyra's horns.
Volpony and Tirec faced each other from across a wide valley. Nopony was sure how this battle would end, but one thing was clear: It. Was going. To be. Epic...
XXXXX
Unemployment Office. Modesto County, California, Human Earth. One Week Later.
Civil Service drone Tony Lowe looked out across the crowded room and sighed. This should have been a light, easy day. Middle of the month, middle of the week. He had came to work happy for a change. And then the doors opened, admitting thousands upon thousands of, well, he wasn't sure exactly what they were. Some kind of colorful talking horse things, all seeking benefits. The lines stretched across the room, out the door, and as far as he could see through the windows. Tony turned his attention back to the first horse-thing in his line just as she finished her long, loooong answer to his first question.
"...And that's when the network cancelled our show." Pinkie Pie explained. "Something about a shark, I didn't really get it." She smiled. "But that's okay because you guys give us money right!?"
Tony sighed again. Yes, indeed, a very long day...
