Birds and Bees

by Twilightclopple

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy
Length: 1790

When Spike comes to Twilight with some awkward questions, the purple unicorn is stumped.

The world's most bookish unicorn knows it all, but does she have all the answers too when Spike starts… asking questions?

A/N: Events follow Spike's sleepover in Childsplay, but doesn't directly relate, i.e, you'll still get this story without reading the last, don't worry.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-09 14:24:01 UTC

"YOU DID WHAT?"

     "Spike, pass me the broom, would you?"

     Twilight threw a glance over her shoulder before thrusting her head to the floorboards like a bloodhound, eyes narrowed as she closely scanned the layer of dirt that was sprinkled over her typically-pristine library. The unicorn's countenance paralled that of an interrogator grilling his victim, those pesky crumbs.

      The little dragon, at the mention of his name, lifted his head lazily from its resting place atop his claws. "Huh? S-sure, broom, yeah."

     Clambering down from the throne he'd constructed from books, Spike made to hand Twilight what she'd asked for, dragging his feet as he did so. The unicorn took the broom, her expression changing to one of suspicion as she turned her attention to her assistant, trying to read him like one of the many books she'd made home with.

     He turned away, positively sleepwalking back to his seat. With a less-than-graceful leap, Spike resumed his place, nose wrinkled in thought, head supported in claws.

     Dismissing his peculiar behavior, the mare refocused herself on her messy floor, enveloping the broom in violet magical aura. She began to sweep it acorss the floor half-heartedly, mind stuck on her slouched assistant rather than the tedious task.

Small talk. Make some small talk, Twilight. "Haha, I've got a whole lot of floor to sweep, you know how it is after a party..." She chuckled at nothing, waiting for Spike to contribute.

     "Ha, yeah."

Well, that was less than satisfactory. "Fluttershy brought brownies, they sure do make a mess." She paused again, waiting for Spike to swoop in and snatch her from the pathetic pitfall that was this conversation.

     "Haha."

     Twilight could bite her tongue no longer. "Uh, Spike, are you alright? You seem rather... aloof." She asked, dropping the duster and adopting an even more surveying expression.

     Spike looked up. "Hmm? Oh yeah, nah, I'm fine..."

     Twilight couldn't have been less convinced if Luna had just declared her favorite midday snack to be bricks.

     "Do you have something on your mind?"

     "I guess, sort of..." Came the absent reply.

      The unicorn trotted up to him, sitting on her haunches as she looked at her distant assistant quizzically. "Do you want to talk about it?"

     Spike crinkled his brows. Twilight was a good listener, always ready to lend an ear. She was well-read, well-rounded, and well-sorted, and he could bet his hat on her offering a thoughtful bit of insight, as she always did. If all else in the great plane of the cosmos was ever-traveling, this was one fixed, undeniable point in space and time; Twilight Sparkle was an excellent confidant.

     Spike opened his mouth, hesitantly ready to speak.

Good job, Twilight, always be there for your best friends. Listen to what he's got to say, and remember to always give Spike your complete and undivided-

    "Twilight, where do babies come from?"

-support.

     "That," She began, struggling to remain professional, "is a very good question. Can I just ask," the unicorn paused, swallowing, "What brings that to your mind?"

     Spike sat up a little straighter, placing his claws on either side of him on top of his book tower. "I tried to do what you would do, so I did a little research, and I found a little bit on it, but not much. It's funny," he paused, shrugging his shoulders, "you have all kinds of books, but hardly anything on babies."

     Twilight felt a bead of sweat pop on her forehead. No, that's because the rest of them are in my bedside stand. She reprimanded herself inwardly; the unicorn had long since determined that no one must ever know.

     Something clicked in her sharp brain. "Hold on, why would you start doing research all of a sudden?"

     Spike shrugged again, unaware of the invisible line of taboo he was about to breach. "Just some stuff that happened with the CMC, I don't really-"

Oh sweet Celestia, I always knew this day would come, Twilight thought frantically, her face growing a lovely shade of magenta intense enough to make Pinkie jealous. Guess I just hoped I'd be dead by then.

     "Oh... that's... I see. Well, I can certainly answer that question. W-what brings the thought to mind right now, though?" Twilight dared to ask, fueled rather by curiosity than professionalism as she took a heaping gulp of water to wash down the mental scarring the unicorn had just experienced.

     Spike swung his foot, tapping against the book stack. "Well, I guess I was just thinking of how good it felt with Scootaloo on top of me-"

     The clueless dragon spluttered under the shower spray of water he'd just received from the now choking Twilight.

     "You-hack-did-hurrggh-WHAT?" She demanded between wheezes, pounding herself in the chest with a free hoof. Spike's eyes went wide with shock and genuine confusion.

     "Scootaloo was on top of me, and- Are you okay, Twi?" Spike asked with concern.

     "Don't worry, Spike, I'm fine... Now before I get back to that question of yours, I need you to tell me EXACTLY what happened at your sleepover with the CMC."

     Spike reluctantly withdrew, resuming his feet-swinging at the base of his tome-stool. Twilight had seemed pretty wracked at his words, forcing the dragon to quickly consider if what he had done had indeed been a bad thing. The notion was blown from his mind as he reminded himself of the all-consuming, unforgiving pleasure he's experienced against the little orange filly.

     The idea was absolutely ridiculous. How could something that felt so indescribably amazing possibly be bad?

     Meanwhile, Twilight had been sucking in her breaths like they came through a straw. Did she really want to hear what was sure to come? It was clear by now that Spike lacked the slightest idea of what had unfolded, leaving a pebble of guilt in the unicorn's heart.

     In retrospect, she should probably have been more forward and direct about sexual education with her little dragon from the beginning. I could have avoided this whole mess if I'd given him that book my parents gave me when I was his age... What was it called, again?

    It hardly mattered now, anyway she sliced it. It was Twilight's job as Spike's guardian and honorary big sister to be there for him, guide him through his developing life, and sex, as much as she wanted to lock the issue in a box, burn it, and bury the burned box, was a part of life. It was time for her to put her game face on and be supportive; after all, Twilight had already read everything there possibly was to know about intercourse from a physiological standpoint-

     "... Well, we were playing Dragon Tamers..."

     Twilight's eyebrow cocked involuntarily. The name alone had a kinky ring to it.

     "...Scootaloo tackled me..."

     The unicorn put on an understanding face, while her insides curled into fetal position.

      "...It got all weird, this one part of me started to get really..."

      Professionalism was for the strong, and Twilight was weak, so very, very weak as she bucked it out the window.

      "...moving against me, rubbing on..."

     Her mind may as well have been in a blender.  NOPENOPENOPENOPE-

    "...felt so amazing, then this thing happened, all my muscles like clenched up, and..."

     Twilight continued to wear an understanding expression. -NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE-

     "...and that's exactly what happened! Twilight? Twilight, you okay?"

     Twilight kept up her expression, rewiring her brain in response to what had just transpired between its synapses. With any luck, this'll become a repressed memory.

     "Wha-? Oh yes, I see...Well, ahem, I, uh-" Twilight stuttered, certain that by now she had most definitely blown a mental fuse. At least the events in Spike's recount didn't make it all the way to home plate. The unicorn breathed an inward sigh of relief as the idea registered in her mind as it grinded back to life, thanking Celestia above for small mercies.

     "So, got any great advice for me, Twi?" Spike asked, swinging his feet once more merrily. Twilight smiled a pained smile at his innocence and blissful ignorance, before realizing what she had to now do.

     Her grin dropped like a light, replaced with wide eyes and a frenzied expression. How was she ever going to explain to him what he had just almost done? It would scar him, render him irreparably messed up for the rest of his days! How could she possibly be expected to go in now, explaining exactly how babies are made to a little dragon who had almost found out for himself?

     If obly she could go back in time again, erase this event completely... Or perhaps a memory spell? Where was that spellbook...

     A tinkle wrenched Twilight from her thought, attention forcefully grasped by the creamy yellow mare who had just entered the library, gracefully sauntering over the threshold.

     Fluttershy saw her friends, overlooking Twilight's pallid expression and sporadic eye twitch. "Oh, hello Twilight, hello Spike..." She greeted softly, breaking into a light grin, before continuing. "Angel has a playdate with some of his bunny friends, so I thought I would come by and-"

      An idea attacked Twilight's mind like lightening, her eyes growing wider than dinner plate. The perfect rescue, Fluttershy might as well have been sent from the deities above to dive in and save the unicorn's doomed flank at the last possible nanosecond.

     Twilight hurled across the room, diving to Fluttershy's hooves, drawing a startled squeak from the yellow mare. "Oh Fluttershy, Spike wants to know where babies come from, can you pleaaaaaaase please take him?"Professionalism was no longer an option; dignity, as it seemed, wasn't either.

     Fluttershy blinked once, before spreading into a truly understanding little smile. "Oh, Spike, that's nothing to be ashamed about... I'll take him off your hooves, Twilight, it's no problem..."

    Twilight felt like an inflating balloon of sweet, sweet relief.

    "Oh thank you, thank you, thank you Fluttershy! I can always count on you!"

    Fluttershy smiled again, stooping to allow Spike to hop onto her back, happily clinging to her long pink locks. Twilight sat back, letting her eyes lazily drift closed, feeling as though she had just faced, and conquered, the most harrowing challenge of her life.

Crisis averted.

     As Fluttershy and Spike left, Twilight could just barely hear her friend's gentle voice drift to her, cool, calm, and professional.

     "You see, Spike, when a stallion and a mare, or in your case, two dragons, really love each other..."