You DO have apple seeds, right? ...
Applejack inspects the signage on the storefront: ‘Green Cheese and Apple Seeds’. This must be the place, she thinks to herself.
It was the perfect time for the farm pony to pay a visit to her family in Appleoosa, what with all her friends seemingly involved in other activities at the present time, and with her younger sister and her friends under Rarity’s supervision in Manehattan. And it wasn’t just for pleasure that she was visiting; she had been looking to expand her selection of apples on the farm, and it was Braeburn’s suggestion that she seek out this locale.
She opens the door and enters the establishment. Immediately, she notices a guitar-strumming pony in a back corner, smiling to himself as he plays to nopony in particular. She looks around the shelves, all with displays of replicas of various apples. Sure is a lot of variety here, she thinks to herself, satisfied that she will leave with a good selection of exotic seeds for planting.
A display counter runs across the far side of the store, with a sole proprietor smiling at the potential customer from behind the counter. His coat’s color matches that of Granny Smith, though his mane is dark green and mulleted.
“Welcome to Green Cheese and Apple Seeds,” the proprietor warmly greets AJ. “How may I be of assistance to you on such a glorious day?”
“Well ‘Howdy’ to you too, good sir. Ah help run Sweet Apple Acres in Ponyville, and Ah’ve been lookin’ to expand mah variety of apples on the farm. Mah cousin told me to check out your store, so Ah took the train in, found your place of business, and would now like to buy some of your fine apple seeds.”
“… You don’t mind the guitar, do you?”
“What?” Applejack stumbles over a response to the vendor’s question. “Uh, no, Ah don’t mind the guitar playin’.”
“Because I can tell him to stop if it bothers you.”
“Ah don’t mind the guitar playin’ at all,” AJ insists.
“Just say the word, and out he goes.”
“He’s fine!” Noticing her unexpected shouting, Applejack takes a breath, lowers her voice, and continues, “Now then, some apple seeds mah good pony.”
“Certainly, ma’am. What would you like?” the vendor asks pleasantly.
“Well, how about some Empire apple seeds?”
“Oh, I’m afraid we’re fresh out of empire seeds.”
“OK then, how’re you on Honeycrisp?”
“Not at the present time, we get a fresh supply every Monday morning.”
“Just mah luck, Ah guess. Well then, a pound of Ozark Gold, my good pony.”
“The last of our Ozark Golds got infected and had to be disposed of.”
“Huh. Sonya?”
“Sorry ma’am.”
“Elstar?”
“Normally say yes; today, the delivery wagon broke down.”
“Ah see,” Applejack replies as she begins to question Braeburn’s recommendation. “Topaz? Teser?”
The vendor shakes his head.
“York Imperial?”
“No.”
“Any Crimson Gold, perhaps.” Only more shaking of the head.
“How about cider-specific apples? Styre, Winesap, Redstreak, Hangdown, Foxwhelp, Ellis Bitter, Woodcock, Baldwin, Brown Snout, Stoke Red, Roxbury Russet, Newtown Pippin, Dabinett …”
“Oh, we have Dabinett.”
“Well then!” Applejack states in triumph. “Set me up with some Dabinett seeds, then.”
“They’re a bit tiny.”
“That just means they’re more concentrated for a more robust taste,” Applejack cheerfully explains.
“Well, they’re really tiny.”
“No matter, mah good pony. Just load up a bag and Ah’ll be on mah way.”
“I just think they might be too tiny for you.”
“I don’t care how flankin’ tiny they are, just get me some dang seeds!”
“Yes ma’am!” the vendor ducks down behind the counter to inspect his wares. “Ooooh!”
Applejack sighs. “What is it?”
“The dog’s got into them.”
AJ’s eye twitches involuntarily. “Has he?”
“She, ma’am.”
“You got a dog.”
“Yes ma’am.”
“A dog who eats apple seeds.”
“Yes ma’am.”
“Right then … you do actually have apple seeds, right?”
“Oh, well of course we do. This is an apple seed shop. We got—”
“No no, don’t tell me, at this point Ah’m keen to guess.”
“Is the guitarist bothering you, ma’am?”
“For the last time, the guitarist isn’t botherin’ me! OK then … Green Cheese?”
“Yes?”
“Oh!” Applejack replies, caught off-guard by the positive response. “OK then, Ah’ll have some of those seeds.”
“… some of which seeds?”
“Some Green Cheese apple seeds.”
The vendor gives Applejack a puzzled look for a moment, before exclaiming “OH! I thought you were addressing me.”
“… Come again?”
“That’s my name, ‘Green Cheese’. Just like in the sign.”
Applejack facehoofs, then ponders other possible cultivars. “White Transparent?”
“Eh, not as such.”
“… SweeTango?”
“No.”
“Twenty Ounce?”
“No.”
“Pink Pearl?”
“No.”
“Allington Pippin?”
“No.”
“Beacon?”
“No.”
“Bismarck?”
“No.”
“Carter’s Blue, Hollow Log, Lemon Square, Knobbed Russet, Laxton’s Epicure, Greasy Jack, Marriage Maker, Winter Banana, Prairie Spy, Duck’s Bill, Merton Worcester, Ashmead’s Kernel, Burr Knot Monks?”
“Not today, ma’am.”
“Ooohkay,” Applejack says to herself, her patience all but run out. “Let’s try somethin’ a bit simpler. Do you got any Red Delicious apple seeds?”
Green Cheese shrugs and shakes his head. “To be honest, we don’t get much call for Red Delicious apple seeds around here.”
An incredulous Applejack replies, “Not much call??? Red Delicious are the most popular apples in all of Equestria!!!”
“Well not around here, ma’am!”
Applejack shakes her head. “OK then, please tell me: exactly what is the most popular apple in Appleoosa?”
“Cornish tiger.”
“Ah see,” Applejack responds with little sincerity.
“Oh yes, Cornish tiger seeds are staggeringly popular ‘round these parts.”
“Are they?”
“It’s our number one best seller.”
“All right then,” Applejack muses. “ ‘Have you got any?’, Ah ask, expectin’ the answer ‘no’.”
“I’ll have a look, ma’am.” Green Cheese surveys his side of the counter. “Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.”
Applejack processes Green Cheese’s latest rejection for many seconds. “… It ain’t much of an apple seed store, now is it?”
“Finest in Appleoosa, ma’am.”
“Please explain the rationale behind that declaration,” Applejack insists.
“Well it’s so clean.”
“It’s certainly uncontaminated by apples!”
“You haven’t asked me about Zestar seeds yet.”
Applejack pauses. “Is it worth it?”
“It might be?”
“Do you got any … hold on a sec.”
Applejack walks over to the guitarist, seizes the guitar, and promptly smashes it on the floor into dozens of splintered pieces and bits of string.
“Told ‘ya,” Green Cheese says as the hapless, guitarless pony lowers his head and slinks out of the establishment.
“Do you got any Zestar seeds?” Applejack inquires.
“No.”
“No, of course not, ‘twas an act of purest optimism to ask the question in the first place.” Applejack walks around the bare counter display and stands adjacent to the proprietor. “Tell me, Green Cheese, do you got any apple seeds here at all?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Applejack forces out a smile as she continues. “OK, Ah’m gonna ask you this one more time, and if you say ‘no’, Ah’m gonna buck you so hard you’ll wake up in another fanfic.” Her eyes darken before she asks. “Do? You? Have? Any? Apple? Seeds?”
“No.”
*POW*
Inspecting the charred floor where a green-toned pony had just recently stood, Applejack nods to herself in satisfaction. She adjusts her hat and turns to you:
“What a senseless waste of 1,200 words!”
Author's Note
For anyone curious about the source material:
