"Aren't you excited, Anon!" Pinkie Pie screams, leaping beside you as you pass through the entry gates of the concert grounds.
"I'm so excited I could just shit. But I wont, because portapotties are disgusting," you say, hands in your pockets.
The sun is shining over Ponyville on this beautiful spring day. And to celebrate the sunshine, some musicians decided to put together a benefit concert at the stage where Countess Coleratura played last year. You had nothing better to do and your little pink friend gave you the ticket for free, so why the fuck not?
Oh, easy. Because you fucking hate everything. You have a headache. You're sore. You had a shitty day and worst of all, you're stressed. Not because anything particularly stressful is happening, but more because your mind is an anxious fuck about every little thing.
"But Shake and Bake is one of my favorite events of the year! Just try and relax, Nonny. You could use an easy day."
"You aren't wrong about that."
Then, you hear it. And you swear you were shot in the skull. Fucking reggae music. More like... rae-gay. Yeah, that's a good one.
"Are you serious, Pinkie? Reggae?"
"Yeah!" Pinkie says, leaping towards the crowd. I'll see you in the party piiiit!"
And with that, you're ditched by your only friend at an event you don't want to be at, listening to music you hate, with a bad headache. You rub your temples and decide that maybe it would be better to find a spot where the speakers aren't so loud.
So, you put one foot in front of the other and make your way to the the back, where none of the other ponies are. There's a few stalls here and there, each selling different food and beverages. Then, your attention is drawn to a small stall that seems to be made on top of a park bench. A hand painted cardboard sign reads "All Natural Essentials and Organic Treats." In fact, it's written on the side of the cardboard that still has it's advertisements on it. It looks sketchy as fuck. Like, you're going to get stabbed levels of sketch.
Then, the band's accordion solo begins.
You know what? Fuck it. The stabbing in your brain is substantially worse than whatever pain the sweet embrace of death may bring you. Hell, you might even get to go to human heaven.
Walking over to the makeshift stall, you take a moment to look at the mare sitting patiently, watching the show. She has a striking emerald fur as vivid as the growing grass itself. She appears as if she's in some sort of daze, with a gentle hint of a smile, as if she was trapped in some sort of happy memory. But wait. Wait just one second.
Are those dreads? On a fucking pony? That's... weird.
As you approach, her attention moves to you. Her smile doesn't falter, nor do her eyes seem to let go of that pleasant thought. Actually. On a closer look. She looks like she just pulled an all nighter. You haven't seen eyes that fucking red before since you came in Twilight's eye.
"Blessings," says the mare as you approach. "Would you like to check out my wares?"
"Uh, sure. What do you have?" you ask rhetorically, as you look down to see what's there anyway.
"I have all sorts of radical things that can revive your spiritual energy and help you find your balance with the world."
She has a few hats and some rope. And one of the ropes is becoming undone at the end. They don't even look good. Whoever thought that red, yellow, and green are good colors together should have their toes amputated.
"How is a fucking hat going to balance my spiritual energy."
"Woah, man," she says, her smile slowly fading. "You're really, like, harshing my mellow. The hats make you look cool and stay warm. The rope feels nice. And for everything else, I have brownies."
"Brownies?" you ask in disbelief, leaning back from the booth.
Of course. Now it all makes sense. How did you not see it before? She's not tired. She's high as fuck. What you have on your hands is one hell of a high horse. In fact, now that smell is beginning to make sense. That putrid smell isn't the smell of sweaty ponies, the smell of a rotting carcass is coming from her dreads.
"Are those brownies what I think they are?" you ask.
"Delicious?" she asks. "Because if you mean delicious, then the answer is yes."
Yeah, those are pot brownies. That's for sure. Who would have thought there was some THC in Equestria? You know what. Fuck it. Today can't get any worse. And you've never heard of random drug testing before, so let's try it.
"How much are they?" you ask.
The mare sits up straight and shakes her head violently.
"Woah, man. I can't just sell you some brownies. We need to, like, make sure your aura is ready. We have to meditate to make sure your chakras are properly-"
"I have 5 bits."
"I'll get you two."
She grabs two baggies, each with a similarly sized chocolatey treat and hands them to you. Without a second thought, you stuff the entirety of one into you mouth.
Jesus Christ these taste terrible. It tastes like they took these brownies, baked them in her grandmother's vagina for correct moistness, then left them behind a wall for three weeks so it could begin to grow just enough mold that would give you a really bad time, but not actually kill you. You choke it down as hard as quickly as you can.
"Dude. Righteous," the mare says. "Those are gonna hit you fast."
"I hope so," you say, trying to choke down the aftertaste. You quickly unpack the other and down it.
"Are you sure you don't want to... like, pace yourself?" the mare asks.
"Psh. Come on, this is Pony Pot. How hard would it really hit a human?" you say, walking back to the crowd of ponies after tossing five bits on the table.
Ten Minutes Later...
Oh my fucking god everything is amazing. Your body doesn't hurt. Everything is happy. And you know what? Isn't it kinda cool how, like, turtles walk super slow on land. But like, when they get in the water, they go ZOOOOM!
"Dude," says a voice, as you feel a tugging at your shirt.
And it feels so good to be out here with all the ponies. The grass under your feet is so soft... It's like you're becoming one with the world.
"Dude."
You look up to the source of the voice, and see the pony from earlier looking down at you. You bite your lip and immediately begin to snicker.
"Dude, are you like, okay?" she asks.
"The high horse is standing above me. High above me," you whisper to yourself.
"I told you it was strong, dude."
"I 'unno what that means, man," you say to her. "This is my firrst timmme."
Her eyes grow wide, then she looks up and around at her surroundings.
"Are you for real?" she asks. "You never got high before? And you just downed two brownies?"
"My body feels like cloud," you say, then begin to giggle.
You then suddenly realize that you've been laying on the ground, and you aren't really sure how long you've been doing that, but man does the ground feel nice. You roll over and breath in the scent of that fresh green grass.
"We have to get you out of public. You'll get picked up and then you're mellow is gonna be so totally wrecked."
She pushes you with a hoof, and you groan in disapproval.
"No want uppie," you mutter.
"Get up. We got to go," she says.
Then, one limb after another, you manage to get yourself back up on two feet. Dude. You're soo tall in this pony world. It's almost like it was -made- for the ponies, who are much smaller than you. Dude. They're such little ponies.
And as she grabs you hand and begins to pull you forward, you begin to realize something. You're... smiling. Holy shit, dude. You're actually smiling. Why the fuck are you smiling? You don't smile. You say mean things to ponies and jerk off at night all alone. Hell, you actually feel like being nice. This being high thing isn't too bad. It feels like a nice little relaxer that could help you chill after a hard we- Holy shit man your hands are sooo big.
"Dude, High Horse."
"Call me Treehugger, man."
"Treehorse."
"That's Flutter's dealer name, man. Call me Treehugger."
"Whatever. Duuude. I really, really like being high.
"That's because you're so high that you don't care about anything," she mutters back to you.
You stop to take a good look at Treehugger, and now you notice how soft her fur looks. The genuine look of care and concern in her eyes. And even if her dreads are weird, she has a certain charm about her that's hard to but into words. She doesn't gussy herself up with make-up like all the other mares do. It's more like... she's all natural. And all natural is good. You think. Probably.
Something about her just feels... safe.
"I care about some things," you say. You aren't sure why you said it, but now it's out there. Your words are out in the world and they aren't coming back. Just like your childhood pet. Don't think about that.
As you look up at your surroundings, you suddenly realize you have no idea how long you've been walking. And all you see is a combination of trees, grass, and a big orange tent.
"Is that your tent?" you ask.
"Yeah, it's where I live," she says.
"Why do you live in a tent?"
"So I can always live around some bomb-ass trees."
"Oh, right. Nature. I get it."
She leads you to the tent, unzips the opening, then urges you inside.
The whole floor of the tent is littered with blankets, pillows and assorted garmets.
"Pretty nice joint you got here," you ask.
"Nah, I use a bubbler for that."
"What?"
"Nevermind," she says. "Just lay down. I've got something nice for you. Just relax."
"Cool," you say. You have absolutely no idea why it's cool, but it seemed like the right thing to do. You lay down on the blankets, wondering why we've developed a social construct to say something is cool-- oh my god these blankets are so soft.
She dips her head into a nearby bag and tosses you a small bag. You recognize it instantly.
"Ohmygod cheesey poofs," you scream, diving at the snacks like it was your latest chance to get laid.
You rip open the bag and empty the pouch into your mouth. It feels as if the world stops. You feel the delicate curves of the cheesy treats roll over your tongue and it feels like you have a muscle spasm. You involuntarily moan as you begin to chew. A tear forms in your eye, knowing you may never taste anything this delicious in your life ever again.
"Alright, just chill here overnight and you'll be groovy in the morning," she says, tossing a bottle of water near your head.
You look to her, a blush forming on her face as you continue to feel the sexual pleasures of artificially flavored cheddar dust in your mouth. You should probably say you're sorry. But that isn't what you say.
"Oh god, is this what they mean by free love?" you ask. "Because this food. I swear. I feel like I'm having sex in my mouth."
The mare beside you bites her lip.
"Because everything is awesome. This is awesome. You are awesome."
"Really?" she asks, her eyes looking away, ears folding down, and a hoof reaching up to touch her dreads.
"Dude," you say, your mouth working faster than your mind. "You're like, so pretty. Anyone, er- anypony, could see that."
Treehugger smiles and moves beside you and lays down.
"You really feel that good?" she asks, looking into your eyes.
"Yeah, man," you say. "This is--"
Then she moves in closer and places her lips on yours. You feel her hoof press against your chest as she presses deeper. The world feels as if it falls away and leaves the two of you alone, and in a place far away from any sort of distraction. Your muscles tense, and then relax.
Her lips break away from yours and you hear the gentle 'smack' of the kiss as it ends. She pulls away from you, and you look into her eyes. A blush covers her cheeks as her eyes dart away.
"So, heh. Free love, huh?" she says.
"That... was," you say, trying to recatch your breath. "Amazing."
That's it. It's on. Fuck cheesy puffs. You've made a mountain out of a molehill in your pants. Or, more like, you're going to put your mountain in her molehill. You push your treats aside and move on top of her. Your lips connect to hers once more as you place a hand on her cheek. You quickly begin to tear off your shirt as you feel her push her tongue into your mouth.
You instantly begin to fumble with your pants and she places a hoof on your cheek and pushes away.
"Do you have anything?" she asks.
"Like, protection?" you ask.
"Nah, man. I mean, like diseases."
"Oh, hell no."
"Okay, cool," she says, wiggling her rear on your crotch. "Ready for something really awesome?"
If you were a chronic premature ejaculator with the world's smallest micropenis, then you probably would have just came. But luckily, you aren't. You rip off your pants as quickly as you can, for not being a Chippendale dancer, and look down to properly aim yourself.
Then, you pause to examine her crotch. She has just the slightest tuft of fur to match her red mane down by her privates. You know, wouldn't it be weird if she put that in dreads too?
Wait, Anon. You're getting laid. Stop being crazy high for, like, three seconds.
You place your cock against her winking clit and begin to rub yourself. She instantly gasps in pleasure and her eyes grow wide. Treehugger bites her bottom lip and closes her eyes, leaning her head back. Her little moans ring through the tent and only further your shared bliss.
You feel her juices lubricate your member, and strong shockwaves of pleasure run from the tip of your cock and flow through the rest of your body. You take short, shallow breaths as your body grows warm. You lean towards her and press your dick against her opening.
"Are you ready?" you ask.
"Y-yeah," she pants.
You push yourself in and both of you shamelessly moan at the pulse of each other's body. You wrap your arms underneath her and slowly ease yourself in. She places a hoof to her mouth and covers her mouth, stifling her sensual song.
"Is that okay?" you ask.
"It's so good," she says, trying to catch her breath. "How is it for you?"
"This is the best sex... ever."
"Yeah" she asks, with a smile.
"Yeah."
"C-can you do something for me?" she asks.
"Of course," you say, willing to do anything about now in order to get your dick wet. Er. Well. To continue keeping your dick wet.
"Can you... tell me I'm pretty?" Treehugger asks.
You feel a sudden stab in the center of your chest at her words. You smile and press a hand to her cheek.
"Of course I think you're pretty," you whisper.
A faint smile forms on her lips as she leans in closer to you and plants her lips on yours. You pull yourself to about half hilt, then plunge in deeper once more. Then again, and again. Each thrust sending wave after wave of pulsing pleasure through your rod. You feel the heat of her breath against your lips and sweat begins to form on your skin as you push yourself deeper and deeper.
Treehugger pants openly, holding her hooves on your shoulders and wrapping her lower half around you. Her walls wrap tightly around your dick and only heightens the intensity of the feeling. You feel your body grow light as you see her lewd expressions. you run your hand over her soft fur, feeling the warmth of her body in your hand. You increase your pace.
"I-I don't know how long I'll last," she says panting.
"It's okay. I'm getting close too."
"Together?" she asks.
"Yeah."
You thrust deeper and deeper. You feel the base of your shaft smack against her body, and a pressure builds up in your groin.
"Meld your body with me. Let's become one," she moans.
You take a deep breath and hold it, trying to control your lower muscles to hold back your orgasm for awhile longer. Treehugger's moans grow higher in pitch as she thrusts her body into yours.
"I-I'm coming!" Treehugger screams.
You feel a massive burst of hot come erupt from your cock and shoot deep inside her as her pussy milks you for every last drip you have. You exhale, feeling your body grow weightless and pull her in close to you. You move to your side and keep her close to you, still connected, melded as one.
When you open your eyes, you look to your right, a smile plastered on your face. Then, you witness for yourself a marvel of modern Equestria. Treehigger holds a massive bong in her hooves, places her mouth on the opening, and takes the longest, strongest bong-rip you've ever heard or seen in your life. Then, she she pulls her mouth away, she holds it in her lungs for a moment, then blows out the smoke in perfectly formed circles across the tent.
"Are you hotboxing the tent?" you ask, sitting up. "First thing in the morning?
She smiles and holds her water pipe to you.
"Yeah, dude. Wake and Bake. Wanna join me?" she asks.
You sit up, looking down at your naked form, then back to her. You know what? She took care of you. She helped you enjoy your first pot experience. She's nice. Hell. This is the happiest you've been since you've come to Equestria.
"You know what? Why not," you say, taking the pipe.
And so, that morning was the beginning of something absolutely wonderful. On that day, you learned how to count your blessings, encountered a really wonderful mare, and learned to blow some sick smoke rings.
Author's Note
