A Secret Only By Circumstance
A large red stallion sat in a barn and thought.
Big Mac never told anypony. It wasn’t that he didn’t want them to know, it just never came up in conversation. Mac was always a big pony but a small talker, a trait he picked up from his father. And in all the times he had spoken to his friends, his family, anypony at all, none had ever asked him his position on the subject. It just wasn’t an appropriate question, in most cases. Because of this, it remained unknown to those he was close with. A secret not by nature, but by circumstance.
It wasn't that he’d mind telling anypony about it. He knew that absolutely nothing could change how his family felt about him, least of all something as minuscule as this. It wasn’t a big deal, really. Why someponies got in such a tizzy about it, Big Mac never understood. Everypony’s got their business, he thought, and they should be entitled to it. That was a common train of thought in the Apple family household. And with that he knew that no quarrel, no real trouble would come of his secret getting out that couldn’t be solved with a tray of apple fitters and good talk.
Mac allowed his mind to wander. If he did end up telling them, he decided, that’s what Granny Smith would end up doing. Baking up some apple fritters and talking for a good long while. Big Mac loved to converse with Granny Smith, most likely more than anypony else. She did most of the ‘conversing’, mind you, but Mac listened. He always listened. And in a situation such as this, it was doubtless that Granny would have a few words of ancient wisdom for the stallion. She was always full of knowledge, a direct result of her being the oldest living resident of Ponyville. She always knew just what to say whenever anypony, Apple family or not, needed help. And, as per the ritual, the baking of apple fritters was always included. Yes, Big Mac thought, Granny Smith certainly wouldn’t mind.
AppleJack was another story. Now, it wasn’t that he didn’t love his younger sister, because he did, and it wasn’t that the two didn’t get along, because they did. While Big Mac had inherited the silent, thoughtful nature of his father, and abandoned the looks, Applejack had done the opposite with their mother. But despite looking nearly exactly like her, Applejacks sensitivities were far from the soft understanding of their mother. That wasn’t to say that she was pig-headed, or uncaring, or even intolerant- ask most anypony in Ponyville, and they’ll tell you straight just how dependable, hardworking and honest the filly is. But that honesty could sometimes be a burden. While most could put on a front in order to save face or feelings when thrust into an awkward situation, AppleJack couldn’t. It wasn’t that Big Mac even expected for her to get upset. In all honesty, she was likely to be happy for him. But it still scared Big Mac, the off chance of upsetting her. She always went to the apple trees in a huff, bucking out her frustrations and worries. As unlikely as it was to happen, Big Mac knew that she handled change worse than anypony he knew, and had seen her buck herself into a frenzy on more than one occasion. No, he decided, he did not want to be the cause of that. Still, he realized that she would eventually come around, and probably be happy for him.
Apple Bloom was the youngest of the remaining Apples, and would certainly be the most confused. She was just a filly, not even old enough to be interested in colts. She hadn’t gotten a cutie mark yet, a fact that Mac had to admit worried him slightly. He saw her and her friends, the ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders’, as they dubbed themselves, get into all manner of trouble over finding their cutie marks. Almost gave Big Mac a heart attack, every time he needed to patch up a wounded Apple Bloom after a night of crusading. Their young, Big Mac permitted, and they’ll learn. But one thing he didn’t want to permit was any more talk about ‘love’ for the young filly. The closest experience she had ever felt to a real relationship was when she and her friends had used a love serum on himself and the neighborhood school teacher, in order to spice up Hearts and Hooves Day. The school teacher was a mare, and ironically the potion had worked like a charm. Big Mac had to laugh about the whole thing, once it was over. If only she knew, he mused, but she’s young, and telling her now would just confuse her about what love really is. Fillies these days are so impressionable, and the last thing he wanted to do was add to that. He decided that, for Apple Bloom’s sake, it was better for her not to know.
He had done nothing to actively hide the fact from anypony. And how could he, when in reality nothing was going on? He was much too busy with the farm to handle a relationship, not that he minded. He loved the farm, loved working with his hooves, loved sweating in the summer heat after a long day’s work. He loved being with his family, and his friends, and had yet to desire the company of any outsider, at least not in any romantic sort of way.
Though he knew his family would understand, and any friends worth having wouldn’t mind, his thoughts couldn’t help but stray to the past. It was a silly thing to worry about, whether or not they would mind it. After all, they had been dead, dead since he was little. Their approval meant nothing now, their thoughts, opinions, all meaningless in the grand stretch of things. Yet he couldn’t help but wonder. His mother most likely would support him. In all the short time they had spent together, Big Mac couldn’t once remember her getting angry with him. His father was always the one to discipline, and his mother was always the one to sneak him dinner when he had been sent to bed without it. He can still remember her, reading a story to him every night after dinner in that old rickety rocking chair Granny Smith always uses, pointing out all the different stars in the sky, and, before she got too sick to use the stairs, carrying him up to his room when he fell asleep in her hooves. No, Big Mac decided, his mother wouldn’t mind.
His father would mind. This much, he already knew. He was a gruff stallion in life, short of words much like his son. Unlike his son, however, was the ability to holster his anger. Normally quiet and thoughtful, too much work was known to push him over the edge. And if there is anything that pony did too much of, it was work. Day in, day out, Big Mac’s father worked the fields harder than anypony alive. He was the hardest working pony Big Mac ever saw. He did all of it for his family, to try and raise the young ones right, to try and do better than his father had for him. To call Big Macintosh’s father a bad stallion wouldn’t only be wrong, it would be insulting. But he did have a mean bone in his body. On the rare occasions where his silence would be shattered, his words were enough to make a sailor blush. Although he loved his son and his family dearly, he never filtered himself for their sake.
It was no secret that there were ponies he just didn’t like. He made a point of this to Big Mac. He made it clear who those ponies were, and what they did. And he made it clear just what was wrong with those stallions, and just how sick and perverted they were. Big Mac grew up trusting his father’s words, believing in his heart that stallions like that were sick, disturbed creatures to be feared and hated. So it was only natural that Big Macintosh had grown up with plenty of self-hatred and confusion, realizing that he was, in fact, a disgusting, sick, perverted, disturbed creature to be feared and hated.
Big Mac had grown up, however. And if his father were here to see him now, Big Mac is confident that he would be proud of him. Proud of how he looks after his own, how he works the farm and gives the Apple family a good name. After all, if his father were here to see him now, he would be just as ignorant as everypony else about the subject. No need for them to trouble themselves about it, Big Mac assured himself.
And despite his father’s opinion, it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence in Ponyville, the sight of two stallions or two mares walking side by side, sharing a meal, laying about in the grass, simply enjoying each other’s presence. That’s the best kind of relationship, Big Macintosh had always said, the kind where all you need is each other. Not overly physical, not sex driven, just one pony in love with the other for no other reason than that pony being that pony. Someday, I’d like that, Big Macintosh found often.
But what if I want that someday sooner rather than later?, He couldn't stop himself from thinking. If it wasn't such a big deal, why did he keep it to himself? Big Macintosh knew in his heart that he could tell them. He thought about the subject often enough. He knew it was important, to himself at least. He knew they would understand. But it had never really been asked of him. If he ever got in a relationship, he decided, he would tell them. If he decided to go out with somepony, it's natural that his family would want to meet him. Until then, he'd keep it a secret. Yet in the back of Big Mac's mind, a little part of him desperately wanted them to know. It was stupid, and irrational, but he felt it all the same. For the time being, he held his tongue. When the time was right, he would tell them.
So Big Mac had never told anypony, yet. It wasn’t that he was afraid of what they might think. It wasn’t that he was ashamed of himself. It had just never come up in conversation. After all, his business was his business, and he was entitled to it. He knew his family would understand and that Ponyville was nearly the most excepting place in Equestria. He just didn’t want to trouble anypony with what he wished to considered such a trivial thing...
The large red stallion was interrupted from his thoughts by the creaking of the barn doors.
“Big Mac? Is that you?” A feminine voice called out.
“Eyup.” Came the large red stallion’s response.
“What’re you doin’ in here? It’s nearly midnight, sugarcube.”
“Ah know, I was jest… thinking’.”
“You do an awful lot o’ that.”
The orange mare looked at him for a few seconds more. She sighed.
“Sometimes, Ah wish Ah knew what was goin’ on in that big head o’ yours.”
“Not a whole lot, sis. Not a whole lot.”
The orange mare tilted her head a bit, smiled at the large red stallion the way she always did.
“Come in soon, you plow the south fields tomorrow at sunrise.”
The large red stallion nodded, and the orange mare turned towards to the barn doors.
For a brief moment, something sparked in the large red stallions eyes. He lifted his head to her.
“Applejack, wait.”
The orange mare stopped, and without turning around, waited.
The stallion’s tongue all of a sudden felt very, very heavy.
“There’s something Ah gotta tell yall.”
A/N: So this is my first time writing in a while, and I'm still trying to get back into the swing of things. Apologies if this isn't quite up to snuff, as I wrote this ENTIRLEY on a whim at 12 o'clock tonight, and wrapped up at about 2 A.M. Let me know what you think!
Oh, and on the off chance you enjoyed this, I'd like a little help. I plan on making this a series of one/two shot drabbles, and I need you, yes YOU to help me with ideas! Anything out of the ordinary, anything that hasn't been done before, anything that a group of like minded young-adult males obsessing over a television show for 7 year-old girls would find abnormal! Thanks a million
-BlueEricsson
