Seven Year Twitch

by Scarheart

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 5604

Celestia finds out she won't have her own My Little Pony Episode. She snaps.

Seven years. For seven years she was neglected. In that time, she was underpowered, defeated by a nag in the moon, defeated by an evil bug roach, a victim to tentacle vines, defeated again by the same evil bug roach as before, as well as many other slights and insults in between.

All she wanted was one episode of her own, one to show her glorious personality in all of its radiant glory. Unfortunately, it was not to be. Her impressive record as the longest living and serving monarch (now diarch, lots of love to dear, dear Little Luna), brokering peace and prosperity the likes of which no other nation could hold a candle to! Or a sun, for that matter.

Time to do something about that.

Cover Source

Published 2017-04-24 18:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-04-24 18:40:01 UTC

Where is My Episode?

Edited byTuxOKC.

Princess Celestia, Lady of the Sun, the White Alicorn of the Day and all around nice lady sat upon her throne, with a radiant, expectant look upon her perfect visage. The sun bled through the stained glass windows, her shimmering mane of the colors of morning glinting in the light. Before her was a list, one presented to her from a land far away. It had just been placed in her hooves. Having come from a place called Vancouver, British Columbia in a magical place known as Canada, it was a list the beautiful alicorn had waited for since the announcement last year. It had been brought before her by African Swallow (not European Swallow, alas). As everypony knew, African Swallows were capable of transdimensional travel (which went well with their migratory habits). Seeing them was always a treat, bringing about more wonder and excitement than the old Wells Fargo deliveries back in the wagon days.

Taking her precious list, Celestia stepped from her throne and trotted off through a side door, her gilded hooves echoing through the vastness of her now empty throne room. In time, she made her way to her private office where she ordered her usual tea and a (very large) slice of chocolate cake. As she waited for her tea and cake, the alicorn settled herself into her comfortable office chair. Above her, perched on the top of the chair was Philomena, her longtime pet and friend. The phoenix was preening herself, pausing to glance with little interest at the scroll before resuming the realignment of her fiery feathers.

As much as Celestia wanted to tear the seal open and read the scroll, she needed her tea first. Her nerves needed to be settled and she wanted to make sure she was calm when she read the words she anticipated to be written upon the parchment. This had to be the year! Six seasons, so many stories, she had to be on there! Would this be the season she would at last be able to show her magnificence in all its immortal glory? She fidgeted in her seat, wriggling her rump and shifting her tail to make herself more comfortable. Her wings adjusted and readjusted, waiting for her tea to arrive.

There was a knock and the door opened. A servant pushed the door open, nosing along a cart on wheels. “Tea, Your Highness?” she asked with a smile.

“Yes, please and thank you,” smiled Celestia. “Just put it on my desk. I’ll serve myself.”

“Yes, ma’am,” the pony replied. Pushing the cart up to the desk, she removed the tea tray from the cart with practiced ease. A slice of cake was upon it, along with a tea pot and a tea cup. There was the usual side of honey Celestia sometimes liked to add to her tea. Everything was served with efficiency.

Serving herself, Celestia forced herself to remain calm and collected. The yearning to tear off the seal and read the contents within was great. She resisted, using the same breathing exercises she had once taught to her adopted niece. Once she felt she was calm, Celestia sipped her tea, holding her cup in her magical grip. Then she broke the seal and let out the scroll. Her starving eyes began searching, pouring over the words. There were twenty-six titles. Beneath the titles were names.

Where was hers?

Holding the list closer to her muzzle so it almost touched, she re-read it. No, nothing was there. Her name did not appear. Despair filled her heart as she looked again. And again. Quaffing the remnants of her tea from her cup, she eyed the slice of cake begging to be devoured.

It was gone in one gulp, a victim of the Great White Mare. All that was left were a few small crumbs and a memory of what had once existed. There was nothing left to mourn.

Celestia took another look at the list, hoping against all hope her name might appear somewhere on the parchment. Alas, her searching eyes came up empty. There had to be a mistake. There had to be! It was silly, but Celestia checked the back of the paper, scrutinizing every inch of the list.

Her name was not on it. No matter what angle she held it at, no matter the methods she knew to seek out invisible ink (she thought it was a prank, bless her), the poor mare was forced to accept the truth: her name was nowhere on the paper.

“I have ruled for a thousand years by myself,” she muttered under her breath. An ear twitched as she stared with hardening eyes at the paper. Oh, how it was offensive! How she had been slighted! Again! Another year and nothing for all of her efforts! Oh, of course she could not begrudge the others who were on the list: they were expected. They were the heart of the story that had been told for the past seven years. “Yet they could not set aside time for me.”

Now, Celestia was not a mare who wanted the limelight, nor was she the sort to call out attention to herself unless circumstances called for it. However, she was a bit miffed her little sister Luna had been lavished attention, having her name placed upon the list several times over the years. It was a wonderful thing, to be sure, but Celestia had hoped her name would appear once. Just once!

Was it too much to ask for? Did nopony want to hear one of her stories? Did nopony want to know what it was like to rule a nation of ponies, even if it was just for a day? Why was it Flurry Heart, bless her, was given twenty-two minutes as a central figure? She was a foal. All she had to do was look adorable and do adorable (albeit destructive) things! Celestia had seen the repair bills of the child’s unbridled magic. The Royal coffers were deep enough to cover most expenses, but the mental trauma an alicorn foal caused was unfathomable.

Thank goodness Twilight was more than capable as an aunt!

Celestia sighed. “I’m jealous,” she said to herself. Looking out the window of her office, she sighed and refilled her teacup. “After all these years, I think I have become jealous.”

A thoughtful sip followed. Pony Magazine’s Mare of the Year thirty plus years since the magazine’s inception (a unanimous decision until Luna returned from the moon) wondered if she had become obsolete. Had she been replaced as an alicorn of importance? Or had she been taken for granted? Did those people not get the fruit baskets with the lovely little cards painstaking efforts had been taken to write? What about the vouchers for a visit to Canterlot?

Setting down her tea, Celestia’s lower lip began to tremble. Was it so hard to ask? Was this how her sister felt a thousand years ago? Did this have something to do with Mama Lauren leaving? Things might have been different if she had stayed around. Celestia took in a deep breath and made a mental note to pay Mother a visit this summer. Perhaps she needed a vacation. Yes, a vacation would set things right. After all, there were five alicorns in the world now! Starlight Glimmer was probably going to become one and without the help of M. A. Larson.

Maybe even by the end of this season. Another princess?

Starlight Glimmer an alicorn?

A shudder went through her body. When was there going to be an alicorn stallion? In a few thousand years Celestia felt she would become an old maid and nopony was going to want her. She’d retire to some forgotten tower and become a crazy cat mare.

“No. No! I mustn’t think such thoughts!” she chided herself with a huff. “I’ve spent hundreds of years practicing what I have always preached. Love and friendship, tolerance and understanding.”

An unwanted thought came unbidden to her mind. What about the griffon kingdom? They haven’t had a king since you did nothing to keep a monster from taking their greatest treasure. Did you do anything to help them recover? Nope. Just sat on your rump. I hear they’re still eating rocks over there. Have you done anything in the form of aid for the griffons? Or are you still trying to convince yourself it’s all just terrible writing?

“But it is terrible writing,” she told herself, flicking an ear. “I’ll not listen to you! You do this every year and I can’t and I won’t let you have your way!”

Keep telling yourself that. Let’s face it: you’re a has-been, a once was. You’re washed up, girl, because your role is to be just a mentor and a punching bag. How does it feel to be used as a trigger for other characters to rise up and save the day? When was the last time you saved the day, you overhyped old nag? The voice sneered.

“And who are you to say such things?” Celestia demanded, though she knew the answer. Dealing with herself could be a chore sometimes. “I am a victim here. It’s not my fault my character is not deemed interesting enough to warrant her own episode. I’m glad my little ponies are given attention. I’m happy for them. Honest!”

Unnoticed, Philomena took one look at her longtime friend and noped her way out a window.

Mare, you’re talking to yourself. You do this every year at the beginning of each season when you get the list of episodes. Sure, you get some appearances, but only as something to keep the episode going and to give the lead character some guidance.

“It’s been better this season already!” Celestia insisted as she poured another cup of tea. “I almost had the first episode to myself!”

Almost only works in horseshoes and hoof grenades, Celly.

Celestia sighed and eyed the list laying on her desk. It was just a message, something to remind her she was a glorified background character. She was a mother figure, a guide, a fountain of wisdom to whom her ponies could turn. Why, she was like a mother to Twilight, having spent years teaching that filly the ins and outs of magic and its uses! Would it be too much to ask for an episode where she told a story about Twilight as a filly in Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns?

I’d have a word with the producer, the voice suggested with mild interest. You have the power. You’re a goddess, for crying out loud! What harm would it be to drop by in pony and have a word with the humans who do the show?

“Of course!” Celestia stood, spilling her tea. She paid it no mind as she strode for the door. Her horn flared with her aura. The doors swung open. “Why didn’t I think of this before?”

You did do this before, sighed her inner voice. You’re not taking this opportunity to turn evil like I want. Can’t you take this as an opportunity to turn to the Dark Side?

A manic grin had begun to form on her lovely, perfect muzzle. She ignored the startled double takes of her castle staff as she trotted past them. Her mind was swirling with what she wanted to do. It had to be done. She hummed the Imperial March as she went.

“Sarge,” a rookie guard told a veteran guard in the wake of her passing, “I’m scared.”

Watching her departing form, the veteran chewed on the inside of his cheek. “We’re all scared, son. It’s Season Four all over again. I’ll inform the Captain of the Watch.”

The younger guard was quaking in his armor. “Is she going to make the order?”

The veteran paused, looking at the rookie. “Maybe. Maybe not. She could just go herself so there would be no witnesses. Go to your post and pray we don’t have that debacle all over again.” He turned and watched as his princess’ tail disappeared around a corner. “May Princess Luna talk some sense into her.” He sighed, “She really needs to stop listening to that voice in her head.”

“Hrmph?” Luna asked as her sister prodded her with a hoof. “Go away, sister. We need Our rest.” She pulled her blankets over her head and turned her back to her insistent sister.

“I need you to mind the kingdom for a day,” Celestia said, prodding her sister with a gilded hoof, “or three. I might have to do some convincing.”

“What are you talking about,” came her sister’s muffled voice. She was trying to bury her head beneath her pillows. “Leave Us alone! We must sleep!”

Not taking ‘no’ for an answer, Celestia flipped her sister’s bed.

“Gah!” cried Luna in a mess of sheets, blankets, feathers, numerous plushies (a veritable horde), and pillows (lots and lots of pillows) tumbled everywhere. Now, Celestia was not a cruel mare, holding the tipped bed in the air as she shook it to make sure its contents had all spilled out on the floor. “Sister, you are insane!” Luna was on her back, legs sprawled at awkward angles.

In a low voice, almost at the level of a menacing growl, Celestia narrowed her eyes and said, “My name is not on the list.” She shoved the accursed parchment into her sister’s face.

Pulling a Flurry Heart plushie from her face, Luna stared up, heaving a great ‘here we go again’ sigh. “We don’t need another Season Four incident,” she warned like the soothsayer to Caesar. “Beware the Bane of Hasbro!”

“It won’t be like Season Four,” Celestia reassured her sister, tossing the bed to the corner of the room. It landed with a resounding crash. Something made of glass shattered, along with some ceramics. Luna’s figurine collection suffered the brunt of the damage. No matter, it could be fixed. Everything could be fixed. Even her pride. “I promise.” Her grin was manic.

“I don’t believe you.” Luna scrambled to her hooves. She was a full head shorter, but still managed to glare down at her sister with a great deal of irritation. “Of all the things in the world, of all matters of true concern to us and our kingdom, you choose, of all things, to be slighted by a program designed to entertain foals from another world. Why?”

“Just three days at the most,” Celestia said, beaming the smile of the clinically insane.

Luna assumed a flat expression. “You’re not listening.”

“I won’t take the Royal Guard with me this time.” Celestia began pacing in Luna’s room. “I’ll take a box of chocolates or forty, put on my best dress, and gold? Maybe I can bribe the Canadians with gold! No, no. Canadians are nice. Oh, flowers! I should take flowers! They’re always nice. Some of them even end their sentences with an ‘eh’. It’s lovely to hear!” She giggled again, tittering behind a hoof.

“Celestia. Sister. Celly,” Luna blew an exasperated breath through her lips, flapping them with great fanfare, “You’ve been listening to your darker self again. You don’t need your own episode. You are already an Icon. Ponies look up to you. An episode would only tarnish your reputation, the one you spent a thousand years cultivating!”

The white mare stopped in her tracks. “How many episodes have you had?” Celestia asked her sister in earnest, tilting her head to one side.

Luna stomped a hoof, shaking her head and sputtering, “That’s not important, sister! You need to stop doing this to yourself! Every year when you get the list of episodes for the upcoming season, you do this! This needs to stop! It is most unbecoming of you!”

“Yes,” Celestia agreed with a sage nod, “This must end!” She began to laugh like a cheap dime novel villain, flaring her wings out. Throwing her head back, she laughed louder, harder, flapped her wings. The laughter made an abrupt stop. Wide, saucer eyes pinned down Luna. She advanced upon her sister with a twitch in her smile. “Can I borrow your old Nightmare Moon gear? It doesn’t fit you anymore.”

“What? No!”

Not listening, Celestia trotted over towards the large wardrobe against the wall. Part of the shattered bed was pushed up against it. Brushing it aside, she flung the wardrobe open and began rummaging. It did not take long. With a wink of magic, the armor was on. “Found it! It still fits! I’ll bring it right back, I promise! No longer than three days!” Finding and looking into a full length mirror, she added, “I should wear a dark robe over this. Oooh!”

Her inner voice facehoofed.

Luna rubbed the bridge of her nose and tried one last time, “Celestia, please, do not go through with this foolishness.”

Too late. There was a flash of light and Celestia was no longer in her room.

“Not good,” moaned Luna as she trotted to her door. “Not good at all.” Opening the door, she sought out and found a guard. “You! Get the Captain of the Watch. Tell him Equestria is now in a New Season Emergency! Be quick!” She then teleported away, off to enact the protocols put in place when a saner, more reasonable Celestia was made aware of past events like this.

DHX Media Vancouver, Vancouver, British Columbia

With a loud pop and a flash of white light, Celestia appeared in the middle of a busy intersection. She wore her sister’s evil armor quite well, having discarded her normal regalia for the time being. Over that were the dark robes. She looked very spooky. Orienting herself, she looked this way and that, finding a car stopping in front of her. The woman driving was gaping. In the passenger seat was a little girl, who was bouncing up and down in excitement and pointing at Celestia. Other cars in the street stopped, tires screeched and there were a lot of humans staring at her. Pedestrians, she noted as she hurried out of the street. She would have flown, but the robes kept her wings at her sides. How inconvenient!

Being a nice princess, Celestia waved at the little girl and smiled before putting on her Van Damme face and trotting towards the main entrance to DHX Media. Several boxes of chocolates floated after her. She could have gone to Hasbro Studios in Los Angeles, but the list had come from here. The African Swallow had smelled of Canada and real maple syrup.

Was having a serious face and several boxes of delectable chocolates sending mixed messages? Perhaps. Then again, Celestia was determined to get an answer, be it through diplomacy or an outright beatdown. Enough was enough!

The glass doors made the type of dramatic entrance she wanted not as ideal as she would have liked, but Celestia was wearing her sister’s old Nightmare Moon get up and felt pretty good about it. It was comfortable to wear, she discovered. Smiling at the people who had stopped and stared at her sudden appearance, Celestia adjusted her wings and stood before the doors leading into the heart of DHX Media. She opened a box of chocolates and popped a couple of dark chocolate caramels into her mouth for courage.

Her horn lit up, opened the door, and she crossed over the threshold. A crowd soon formed in front of the building, staring through the glass windows. Smartphones were taking pictures and videos.

Imagine the surprise of the receptionist when she saw a regal-looking alicorn princess looming over her with a twitching smile on the end of her muzzle.

Celestia had brought the list with her. It had the name of the person who had written the list at the bottom. Holding it up, she pointed a silver and black hoof at the name. “Where is he?” she asked in a voice that could not decide to be polite or forceful. Was it possible to do both?

“Oh, no, not again!” complained the receptionist.

“Is Jim Miller in?” Celestia gave her a warm, loving smile, “Could you please be a dear and tell him Princess Celestia is here? I should like to have menacing words with him.” She left an unopened box of chocolates on the desk. “Payment for services.”

As the receptionist complied with her request, Celestia hummed and helped herself to more chocolates. They were really good! Bon Bon had outdone herself. Lyra had thrown a fit when Celestia told her she couldn’t come to Earth. ”I’m afraid this is a business trip, my dear little pony. I can’t have you bothering the humans when I’m trying to get things done.”

She sniffed the air. It was a typical human business. There was the lingering smell of coffee left on the burner for too long, somepony forgot to put on deodorant, and her ears picked up conversations being held within earshot. Celestia smiled at the receptionist, who returned a nervous one of her own. Her eyes were wide as she spoke to someone on the other line. Celestia turned both ears to the receiver and focused. She recognized his voice.

The receptionist hung up the phone. “He says he’ll see you, Princess Celestia. You’re not going to do the whole Season Four thing, are you?”

The princess smiled from beneath her robe. “Wouldn’t dream of it. I’m a pony who learns from her mistakes. Thank you. Enjoy the chocolates. I know the way.” She trotted off.

She went past offices, giving out cheerful greetings. Those greetings were returned with startled gasps, spilled coffee (with an accompanying curse), a smartphone snapping pictures (Celestia posed for a moment with a smile). Chocolates were doled out. Celestia was determined to leave a good impression this time.

Speaking of impressions, she came to a section of wall bearing an embarrassing reminder of her last visit years ago. It had been preserved and made into a little shrine. The imprint made her frown and remember that dark day. It was the lowest point in recent memory, not including everything that had happened in Equestria since then. The culmination of the Season Four incident was a deep impression of her rump in the wall. Nothing had changed. No effort had been made to repair the damage. Above it, in bold letters, was the phrase, ‘Celestia Was Here!’. Next to it was a photograph of the staff standing next to the impression of the royal pony butt in said wall.

Dark times. Celestia had forgotten about that. Her magic had backfired badly and she had not been in the right frame of mind.

Celestia hurried on, popping more caramels into her mouth. Seeing her destination, she stopped at a door bearing a nameplate. “Big” Jim Miller, it read. She knocked three times and opened the door. Boxes of chocolate menaced like Star Destroyers behind her.

“Hello, Jim. Where is my episode?” Celestia asked, putting herself before his desk. She stretched her neck out and loomed over the poor man. She noticed a half full cup of coffee on the desk. Taking a hoof, she tipped it over. “Where is my episode?” she repeated, shaking the list. The crinkling of paper was loud and obnoxious. It was time to be serious.

Behind the desk was a large human wearing glasses. He had a bald head and a ‘here we go again’ expression. “I don’t have a say in the matter!” Jim told her, throwing his hands in the air. “We do this every year! Why do you do this to me? You’ve disrupted the office. Again!”

“Oh, pooh,” Celestia poohed, “It can all be fixed with a little chocolate. Everything can be fixed with chocolate. Especially caramels!” An eye twitched as an unnatural grin exploded across her muzzle. “Everything!”

“Celestia, I have no words. None. Every year, the same thing!” Jim rubbed his temples. “We get the fruit baskets. We love them, really!” He let out a tired sigh. “It’s Season Four all over again!”

Celestia shook her head, “Oh, no. I’m past Season Four. Way past it. Things are going to change. I am going to make sure those changes take place. I saw the shrine to my rump, Jim. Why is there a shrine to my rear end?”

“Look Celestia, we love you, but that stayed because the higher-ups deemed it hilarious. I’m sorry about your episode, but I don’t have that kind of pull with Hasbro!” The man was not panicking. Trying to keep a stern face, his eyebrows lifted when a box of chocolates was deposited upon his desk. “What is this?”

“Caramels coated in dark chocolate. Bon Bon made them.” Celestia clucked her tongue against the back of her teeth. “My dear little human, just let me make a phone call. Do you mind if I do?”

“Caramels, you say?” Jim asked, brimming with hope.

The alicorn smiled. “Of course!”

“Dial nine first to get an outside line.” Hungry fingers reached for the box.

“Thank you!” It never hurt to be polite. Celestia picked up the reciever with her magic and began to dial a number. The line at the other end rang. A man’s voice answered. “Hello, Brian? Princess Celestia here. Diarch of Equestria, mover of the sun, immortal goddess, remember me?” There was a pause as her ear flicked. “Yes, I thought you would. Remember what we talked about the last time I called you?” She kept her tone sweet and sincere.

Brian began yelling at her from the other end. He was not happy with her.

“Well, as I recall, you told me you would do something about it. One episode, Brian. All I wanted was one episode. Is it so hard to give me an episode focusing on me? I’m hurt, Brian. I thought we had reached an understanding.”

His reply was toned down a little, but he was still, in her opinion, being brash.

Celestia nodded, “Well, I suppose I could see the wisdom in focusing on toy sales. I’m not asking for much, Brian. I sat on that thankless throne alone for a thousand years!” Tears were welling up in her eyes. “I had to deal with countless nobles and dignitaries who either didn’t have enough respect for me to listen to my advice or they threw themselves at my hooves in outright worship! I am the wealthiest mare in Equestria and I don’t have time to enjoy it! I haven’t taken a vacation in ten centuries! Ten. Centuries. Have you any idea how it hurts that all these mortal ponies get all the attention while I’m brushed aside like some unwanted pet, replaced by something younger and more adorable? Do you?”

Brian stumbled over some words. He was trying to mollify.

“One episode, Brian! I just wanted one episode. I’ve been patient. I’ve been nice. Do you know what I received from the African Swallow today? That’s right, a list. Do you know what kind of list it was? Yes, the upcoming episodes for Season Seven for My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I’m tired of being written as a weak ruler. I’m tired of being a launching point for some other pony’s lesson or adventure. Where is my adventure? Where is my character development? I hear some of your writers want to give Starlight Glimmer wings. It’s bad enough it’s implied Sunset Shimmer has wings, but she’s a human and not a part of Equestria anymore! If you want to give Starlight wings, fine. I’m fine with it, really!”

The man on the other end of the line spoke a few words.

“What?”

He repeated himself.

“What do you mean you won’t do anything? You are going to do something. I know people, Brian. I’ll tell you what: why don’t I become the next villain. Get rid of the horsefly and let me be the recurring villain. I want to be a queen. Make me an evil queen! I’ll do it! I can pull off an evil tyrant quite nicely if you’d just let me!” She was pleading now.

Over the line to all within the room was heard a resounding, “No!”

The line then went dead.

Ears drooping, Celestia hung up the phone. “He said no.”

“I’m sorry,” Jim from behind his desk said in sympathy.

Sniffling, Celestia realized it was happening again. “I shall go home, I suppose,” she hiccupped. “I’m sorry for bothering you.”

“Oh, it’s no trouble at all, Celestia.”

“I’ll fix everything again, like before.”

“I know you will. You’ve always been very nice to us.” He smiled at her.

Before leaving, she paused, turning her head over her shoulders. “Do you think I would have made a good evil villainess?”

Jim smiled, got up and came around the desk. “You would have made an amazing evil villainess.” A big hug was given, which she returned.

Celestia fixed everything she had broken because magic was friendship and went home.

Canterlot Castle

Why was the cake gone? It was a silly question to ask. The query was still posed and often by those who were ignorant to the Season Four debacle. Those who were in the know spoke in hushed whispers. Sympathy was needed, for a great mare was once again slighted. She had been neglected yet again, relegated to little more than glorified background status. The cake was gone, taken up by the drove of guards who went out to all the bakeries and bought all baked goods that appealed to a sweet tooth. Bakers were compensated, their wares bought at double their standard prices.

The castle was like a tomb. On any given day, there was a vibrant sense of life within the ancient walls. It abounded with life and activity. Ponies bustled about their business, doing their assigned duties. There was a general sense of purpose on those given days.

As Celestia mourned, so did the castle.

Luna was in her sister’s room, having just arrived. She had woven through the piles of confectionary goodness strewn everywhere. An empty stack of plates was next to Celestia’s bed. The Solar Princess was busy engorging herself on another helpless cake. This one appeared to be a white cake with strawberry frosting. A glass of cold milk floated nearby. Luna was not amused. In fact, the expression upon her face was of the deadpan variety, along with a levelled gaze of supreme disappointment. She noted her sister had shoved the Nightmare Moon armor under the bed, with bits of it poking out here and there. The cloak had been hung over one of the bedposts.

“He said no again?” she asked, not at all sad for Celestia.

Through a mouthful of cake, Celestia replied, “Yesh.”

“And you were surprised when he told you no?”

Again, Celestia nodded, swallowing, and taking another massive bite of cake. “Uh-huh.” With her mouth full and crumbs falling everywhere, she went on, “I shouldn’t have expected a change. I should have been content to just having bit parts here and there.”

“Dear sister,” Luna began, then shook her head. No, a moment like this required absolute honesty. “You did something very stupid and irresponsible. You do this every year. The accursed list shows up, you don’t see your name as being the central figure of one of the twenty-six episodes, and you just become stupid.” Rubbing the bridge of her nose, she added, “It wasn’t this bad last year. I thought you had gotten over it.”

“I thought…” Celestia sniffled, drank a glass of milk, and reached for another cake. “I thought things would be different. They had new writers coming in and it stoked my hopes up. I’m sorry. I just wanted to have my own episode.”

“And when the inevitable rejection came, you decided to inconvenience the whole city by buying every cake from every business. You can’t do this to yourself, sister.” Luna’s eyes went over the mountains of cake awaiting their inevitable doom. “Your personal funds take a hit, your reputation takes a hit, the tabloids are going to have a field day with this. I am appalled at you when you do this. This is unacceptable!”

“Luna,” Celestia paused in her eating to level a stare at her sister. “Not helping.”

“I’m not going to apologize for pointing out the truth to you!”

Celestia resumed eating. “Maybe next season.”

“Sister…”

“Close the door behind you when you leave, Lulu.”

“As you wish.”

“African Swallows are banned from Equestria on pain of having coconuts tied to them.”

“Of course.” Luna rolled her eyes. Celestia would rescind the law as soon as she was done feeling sorry for herself. Maybe.

“And keep the cakes coming! My furnace must be stoked and I will drown my sorrows in cake!” Celestia demanded, wagging a fork at Luna.

Luna opened her mouth to say something, thought better of it, and left without saying anything else. As she closed the door, she could hear her sister begin to rage.

“Hasbro!” Celestia’s voice boomed throughout Canterlot. Pictures fell off walls. Windows shattered. Pegasi were startled out of the skies. “Give me my episode!”

There was a pause, then another thunderous sound of consternation.

“Tartarus burn me! I forgot to ask for alicorn stallions next season!”

Author's Note

Fun fact: I considered having Hasbro replace Celestia with Megatron. I also considered having season 8 start with a funeral. Let that simmer in juices for a sec.

I hope you enjoyed this as much as I had writing it!