Pinkie Pie Has THE BOMB

by Dreadnought

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Random
Length: 1715

Pinkie Pie has a thermonuclear weapon.

Featured on 18 June 2017!
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Pinkie Pie has a thermonuclear weapon and she's not afraid to use it.:pinkiehappy:
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Not related to any other stories I've written.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all related content is owned by Hasbro. CYA.

Published 2017-06-18 15:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-06-18 15:40:06 UTC

MAD

Boom!

“Wow!”

Whir! Szzz.

“Pretty!”

Crak! Crak! Crak!

“Ooo.”

Whii! Bam!

“Ah.”

The ponies of Ponyville sat entranced by the most spectacular fireworks show they’d ever seen, far surpassing anything done in the small town before. It easily rivaled the New Year’s celebration in Manehattan, the glitzy spectacles at grand casino openings in Las Pegasus, or even the elegant displays, for those lucky enough to have been invited, of the Grand Galloping Gala in Canterlot. Kamuros left long beautiful patterns that branched across the sky, competing for attention with spiraling fireworks and loud explosions as rockets streaked overhead and shimmering strobes filled the night sky with a thousand twinkling new stars. Surely everypony would remember this night for the rest of their lives.

Pinkie Pie merrily bounced among the crowds. Everywhere she looked ponies, young and old, sat on blankets staring up at the magnificent fireworks show overheat. To her left, Big Mac shared an intimate moment with Sugar Belle, wrapping his foreleg around her. To her right, Gabby the griffon hung out with her fellow Cutie Mark Crusaders. Ahead Princess Celestia, the alicorn who moved the sun across the sky, watched in quiet amazement at the show. Even her sister Maud Pie looked up, her face displaying a genuine smile. Pinkie Pie was extremely happy because everypony else was happy, their smiles filling her heart with so much joy it nearly exploded.

Pinkie Pie remembered the high expectations set when Mayor Mare announced her as the pony of ceremonies for the annual Ponyville Days festival. Being the resident party pony put a lot of pressure upon her and she was bound and determined to deliver the best celebration ever. And so far, things had gone off without a hitch. The day had started off at dawn, when she held a free, all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast for the whole town. Next came a parade down the main street of Ponyville, showcasing large decorated floats, silly rodeo clowns (Troubleshoes included), rocking marching bands and precision military color guards. Lunch featured a carrot dog eating contest and a pie eating contest, the latter using delicious apple pies supplied by her dear friend and possible cousin Applejack. Pinkie Pie had reached out to Discord, who used his magic to add some fun to the event. An early afternoon drizzle of chocolate milk was followed by a blizzard of vanilla ice cream, complete with a blast of hot fudge, whipped cream, nuts and a cherry on top. The Lord of Chaos even froze one of the town’s ponds for use as a summer ice-skating rink. Meanwhile a dance competition provided entertainment, where Tender Taps narrowly beat Scootaloo. And thrilling carnival rides and ample arcade games offered hours of fun for everypony. Dinner was catered by her friends Saffron Masala and Coriander Cumin of Canterlot’s Tasty Treat, serving their unique and delicious dishes for all to enjoy. An evening concert featured Coloratura, Sapphire Shores, Filly Joel, the Ponytones, and a special performance by the Rainbooms. All this led up to the grand finale, a super amazing fireworks show that would blow everypony away.

Pinkie Pie made her way to the front where the fireworks were located. She had received help from Cheese Sandwich with wiring so once she threw the switch, the fireworks were launched automatically – all except one. She reserved a very special firework for herself, ready to set it off when the show reached its climax. She looked down on the large firework and reflected on how she had acquired it....

From glitzy Las Pegasus in the west to historic Fillydelphia in the east, from the parched lands of Appleloosa in the south to the frozen lands of the Crystal Empire in the north, Pinkie Pie had travelled Equestria looking for the very best fireworks. She had visited everyplace imaginable, from stores and vendors to factories and warehouses to white markets, grey markets, and black markets. It was in the latter, located off a narrow back alley in Manehattan that Pinkie Pie had found the ultimate firework.

“Are you looking for something?” asked the owner. The gray pony wore an olive drab shirt and had a black eyepatch over his right eye.

“Well, I was looking at your fireworks –”

“I gaurantee we have the best in the city.”

“Yes, but I was looking for something bigger.”

“Bigger?”

“Yeah, with a really big bang.”

“These are the largest fireworks made anywhere in Equestria.”

“Ah,” whined Pinkie Pie. “It’s just that I’m in charge of the Ponyville Days festival and I was looking for something that would blow everypony away. You sure you don’t have anything bigger?”

“Well, I do have some things in back. Maybe they could work for you.”

“Okey-dokey.” She bounced behind him as they made their way to the back of the store, past uniforms, armor, knives, bows, swords, lances, and cannons. Unlocking the padlock, he swung open a heavy steel door and led Pinkie into a large room. Inside stood barrels of gunpowder, boxes of explosives, and artillery shells. “Ooo.”

“Big enough of a bang for you?” he asked with a wry smile.

Pinkie Pie moved about, looking at all the options. Off in the corner, with weird writing, sat a shipping crate. Taking a look inside, she asked, “What about this?”

“Oh, that’s not for sale. In fact, you didn’t see it.”

“What is it?”

“It’s – uh – a firework from North Kiso.”

“North Kiso?”

“It’s a country far to the east across the ocean. They’re poor because the nations of Equestria don’t want them to have nu – er – fireworks and have imposed sanctions.”

“Does it make a big explosion?”

“It’s bigger than you want. In fact, it will make the biggest blast ever seen in Equestria.”

“I’ll take it!”

“You really don’t want to buy it.”

“Nothing is too good for Ponyville.”

“No.”

“How much would you take?”

“It’s not for sale.”

Pinkie Pie pulled out a large bag of bits. “Is this enough?”

“No. It’s not for sale.”

She pulled out three more bag of bits. “How about now?”

“No, I keep telling you –” Pinkie Pie had placed a dozen more bags of bits before him. “Okay, but you have to swear you didn’t get it from me.”

“I Pinkie Promise!”

Pinkie Pie had kept her promise to not tell anypony about the special firework, not even Cheese Sandwich. She had ensured the firework was kept hidden until it was time for the show. The salespony told her to set it off far, far away from town, but Pinkie wanted everypony to see this super amazing firework, so it was set up just outside of town. Pinkie Pie looked down at the massive firework. On its side was written “One Megaton.” That was silly! Obviously they meant to say “One Megafun.”

Bam! Bam! Crak! Crak! Crak! Szzz. Bam! Crak! Boom! Cra-Cra-Crak!

It was time! Pinkie Pie flipped the switch... Thirty... twenty-nine.... The fireworks overhead were filling the night sky, creating the most dazzling display, building towards a magnificent crescendo! In fact, it was almost blinding in its intensity. Twenty-five... twenty-four.... This firework would put them all to shame, creating a sight that nopony had ever seen before. Nowhere had such a firework ever been set off. Twenty... nineteen.... Everypony would be so happy to see this super amazing firework! They would remember it for the rest of their lives! Fifteen... fourteen.... She had gone way over budget on the festival, and had to pay for a lot of it out of her own savings. But it would be totally worth the thousands of bits she spent on this one, single firework. Ten, nine.... She looked around, all her friends gathered for the big show... Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, the Wonderbolts... Five... four... three... two... one!

For a fraction of a second, everypony was bathed in the glow of a brilliant white light.

The ponies of Canterlot looked out towards the distant horizon in total confusion. Ten o’clock was way too early for Celestia to raise the sun. And since when did she raise it in the south? Within moments a deafening roar swept over the city, shaking buildings and shattering windows.

Canterlot High lay dark and quiet, the students having long since gone home for the evening. Outside the equestrian statue stood silent sentry guarding the building. It began to quiver, then tremor, and finally shake violently. Suddenly the statue exploded as an enormous fireball erupted from it, spreading over the school and the surrounding town.

In the aftermath of the Ponyville disaster, the citizens began asking a myriad of questions. Who was behind it? Why did they do it? What did they want? Quickly all suspicions fell upon Princess Luna. She had twice tried to overthrow her sister, so naturally this was a third attempt. Luna struggled to reassure her subjects that she had nothing to do with it and vowed to find out who was responsible. But they would not listen and so began the Equestrian Revolution. Luna fled to Griffonstone, which did not have an extradition treaty with Equestria. With her overthrow, the citizens declared the Equestrian Empire and asked for a personal union with the Crystal Empire. Reluctantly Princess Cadence, who wished to contain rising revolutionary fervor before it turned violent, arrived and was crowned Empress Cadence.

In the years following the explosion, Ponyville, or what remained of it, was deemed a quarantine zone. Radiation permeated the land, posing a significant health hazard for ponies. Pegasi no longer managed the weather, which began operating on its own rhythms. Meanwhile, the plants and flowers grew back and the animals returned. Ponyville became a wild and natural Eden.

Author's Note

A dark comedy in the vein of Dr. Strangelove. It's amazing what you come up late at night when you're struggling with insomnia. :ajsleepy: I hope you enjoyed the story. Be sure to check out some of my other comedy stories.

BTW, I'm looking for someone to give some quick feedback on a new story. It's a comedy of about 1,000 words. I'm rating it Teen for some language, but also wanted advice on the rating (could go the Mature).

Dreadnought