The Unicorn's Frappucino

by FanOfMostEverything

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Moonlight Raven, Sunshine Smiles, Main 6
Length: 2193

Reader beware. A fouler, more vile concoction you nary shall find than that which lies within!

Mysterious shops that aren't there the next day are common in many worlds that have at least some magic to them. They appear in a variety of forms, from shady booths in exotic bazaars to squirrely hucksters with infinite-capacity trenchcoats to cosplay supply tables at convention vendor halls. But the classic, poorly lit store overstocked with mysterious trinkets is a timeless symbol of the plot device salesman's art, and Equestria is no different. Canterlot alone has eight of them, none of which maintain a single address for more than a week at a time and all of which reinforced by wards that protect them from angry customers looking for refunds.

None of that is going to stop the pair of angry orange hind legs approaching the front door of one at rapid velocity. After all, you have to buy something to count as a customer.

Inspired by the Time Action Glory Challenge's "April Tomfoolery" prompt and the pictured Starbucks menu item, which really did exist at one point in time.
Rated Teen for very mild innuendo and much less mild bodily processes.

Published 2017-04-24 01:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-04-24 01:00:01 UTC

Things Not Meant for the Pancreata of Mortal Mares

The door of the poorly lit store nearly flew off its hinges, showering the amulets, unguents, and other assorted oddments with unfiltered sunlight. A few began to smoke.

Fortunately, Princess Twilight Sparkle stomped in, flanked on each side by two of her friends, one in the air, one on the ground. The sixth member of the group lay on Twilight's back. "Sunshine Smiles," said Twilight, "you are under arrest for magical assault!"

"'Kay." The assembled Bearers blinked and took in the unicorn at the sales counter. Based on her raven locks, moon-pale coat, and blase demeanor, the only way she could be Sunshine Smiles would be if her parents had both a highly refined sense of irony and legal blindness. She looked up from her magazine. "Welcome to Sunshine Smile's Spells and Sparkles, home to trinkets, tricks, and treats of all kinds," she said, reciting the slogan as though describing a particularly unpleasant disease. "Should I tell Sunshine to get out here or are you just going to rainbow laser the place?"

"Please, get her." Twilight glanced to her left. "Rarity, go with her. No offense, miss, but I don't want to have to order a marehunt."

The salesmare shrugged as Rarity walked up to her. "Whatever." She turned around to face a small passage behind the counter and said, "Hey, Sunshine."

A far more chipper unicorn, pink and blonde, zipped out of the back with a frost-coated glass tumbler in her magic. "I'm here, Moonlight, you don't have to shout!" she said far more loudly than her coworker. "What's u—" She noticed the others in the room. Her smile shivered but didn't fall. "Well, hi there, Your Highness! What brings you to Spells and Sparkles?"

Twilight glared at her. "I think you know." She knelt, letting Pinkie Pie slide off of her back. Or what remained of Pinkie Pie.

For the first time in Pinkie's life, she could've been mistaken for her twin. Her body wasn't grey so much as colorless, her coat lightly achromatic and her limp curtain of a mane a darker shade of nothing. Each flank was marked with three strings, and if one squinted, one might make out the three circles of slightly different absence-of-hue that marked the balloons they connected to. Even her eyes, which went from barely to halfway open as she stumbled for balance, were devoid of color. She steadied herself, looked at nothing in particular, and said, "A flake of mica can be as thin as a single sheet of silicon dioxide molecules."

"So..." Sunshine's gaze darted about the gathered mares. "You're here for something to give your friend some pep in her step?"

"No." Twilight took a step closer. "We're here to take back the pep you took out of it."

"Yeah!" said Rainbow Dash, smacking her forehooves together. "So fix Pinkie and we'll beat your face in!"

"Um, I think you meant or we'll beat her face in," said Fluttershy."

"I know what I said!"

"The first primitive balloons were made from pig bladders," added Pinkie.

Sunshine looked from side to side. "Wh-what makes you think I did it?"

Rarity rolled her eyes as she went back into position. "It would really help your case if you weren't sweating as you said that, dear."

"Talked t' lots o' folks," said Applejack. "Canterlot shindig, you led Pinkie into a side room, you came out, somepony had t' go in an' find 'er. Plenty o' witnesses."

"We want our friend back," said Twilight. "We can't keep Pinkie like this. Like a mare who... who likes sitting quietly and reading the encyclopedia." She fidgeted and licked her lips. "That would be wrong."

"The mitochondrion is the powerhouse of the cell."

A fly flew behind Twilight. Any other explanation for why her tail flicked is high treason.

"How could you have done this to a mare who'd done nothing to you?" said Fluttershy.

"What did you even do?" said Dash.

Sunshine relaxed, her smile taking on a more sinister cast. "It wasn't easy. It was the fruit of years, no, decades of intricate planning. A grand project to subvert even the highest in the realm and—"

"It happened like this," said Moonlight, igniting her horn. A screen appeared with simplified, pointy-limbed representations of a properly pink Pinkie and a Sunshine holding what looked to be the hose of an industrial-sized vacuum cleaner. "Here," she said, offering the hose, "put this in your mouth."

"Uh, why?"

"It'll be fun!"

Projection-Pinkie beamed. "Okay!" In went the hose.

Sunshine turned on the device, which promptly sucked the color out of Pinkie. She then departed as the drained mare stood there.

The actual Sunshine scowled at Moonlight. Well, she was still smiling, but her brow was furrowed. "Moonliiiight, I was gonna awe them with my intelleeeeect."

"Yeah, that wasn't going to happen."

Sunshine couldn't help but giggle and give the other mare a love tap. "Oh, you."

"Defenestration is the act of throwing someone out of a window," said Pinkie.

Twilight cleared her throat. "That explains the how... sort of. But it doesn't explain the why. Why attack a decorated hero of the realm like that? For what purpose? For what gain?"

Sunshine's head whipped around so fast her neck popped. "Why? Why?"

"Yeah," said Applejack, "Why. And none o' that 'grand conspiracy' hooey, missy."

"Oh, I'll tell you why. Do you even know who I am?"

The Bearers traded looks for a moment. Fluttershy hazarded, "Sunshine Smiles?"

"Sunshine Smiles!" said Sunshine Smiles. "The happiest mare in Canterlot!"

Rarity cleared her throat. "No offense meant, Miss Smiles, but that isn't exactly an achievement."

Twilight nodded. "We're not exactly standing in the giggle capital of Equestria. And my friend Minuette would give you a run for your money."

"Minuette? Minuette is a sugar-free lollipop compared to me! She hasn't sacrificed what I have, hasn't made bargains in the dark places of the world for truly neverending cheer." Sunshine narrowed her eyes. "But then I learned about ponies happier than me, destined to be happier than me. I couldn't let that stand."

Twilight gasped. "Party ponies."

"Precisely! Ponies so happy that their sheer joy could twist the fabric of reality! I needed that power for myself, to fulfill my true destiny as the exemplar of all positivity, the smile as bright as the sun itself!" Sunshine took the tumbler she'd entered with back in her magic. Frost began sliding off of the warming surface. "And you're all too late, for I am about to triumph!" Condensation cleared enough of the vessel to reveal the loud swirls of pink and blue within. "In this glass is the very essence of the greatest party pony in all of Equestria! The condensed synthesis of living joy and Elemental Laughter! And soon it will be mine! This unique blend of ice, milk, syrup, and magic that I call... the Frappucino!"

Fluttershy bit her lip. "So... Does anypony want to tell her about Sunbutts or should we just stop her?"

Sunshine paused. "What?"

"Y'know, Sunbutts?" said Applejack. "Huge coffee chain?"

"All over Equestria?" added Dash.

Rarity rolled her eyes. "Tacitly sponsored by the Crown?"

"That's just a rumor," said Twilight.

"Darling, there's one on every corner and yet they can get away with calling themselves Sunbutts. The fact that the founder hasn't been tried for lèse-majesté is sponsorship enough."

"The point is that they also make frappucinos," Fluttershy said. "So, uh, you may need a new name for yours."

Sunshine was silent for a moment. Finally, with a dismissiveness that clashed with her still-present smile, she said, "Oh, whatever," and tipped back her glass.

The Bearers tensed. "Get her!" cried Twilight, igniting her horn.

"No."

Everypony but Sunshine paused. She kept waiting for the gelid, molasses-slow glop to start sliding down her throat. Twilight turned to the speaker. "Pinkie?"

Pinkie stared at Sunshine with all the focus she'd lacked until that point. "Let her."

"Are you sure?"

"Let her."

"Well..." Twilight looked around at her other friends. None of them seemed to have a clue either. She shrugged her wings. "You heard her, girls."

"Ha! You see?" A straw floated out of the back room in Sunshine's magic. She triumphantly stabbed it into her creation. "Even the party pony acknowledges my destiny! Now watch as I claim my birthright!" She began to suck.

After several seconds of everypony standing around, Applejack looked to Moonlight. "So, uh, how d'you fit into all o' this?"

"My sister and I don't have a lot in common." Moonlight looked at the frantically swallowing Sunshine and gave a hint of a grin. "I like getting a chance to bond with her, even if it's by tampering in Faust's domain."

"Y'all are sisters?"

"Twins."

"Well how 'bout that."

"Ackies!" All eyes turned to Sunshine, who was rubbing her forehead with both forehooves. She still smiled, though the muscles around her mouth looked strained in ways even Pinkie Pie's close friends had never seen. "Brain freeze!"

Dash sighed. "Look, could you hurry it up? You're on track for being the lamest villain we've ever fought."

"How does it taste?" said Moonlight.

Tears ran down Sunshine's cheeks. "Like sour birthday cake and shame."

"You're about halfway done. Tough it out a little longer."

Sunshine sniffled, mouth still upturned. "Okay." She went back to the straw.

As she reached the dregs of the tumbler, the Bearers tensed once more. Once the straw slurped its last, Sunshine set it aside, a genuine aspect returning to her smile. That quickly went manic. "Yes. Yes!" Her body started vibrating, her eyes and horn glowing. "I can feel the energy coursing through me! The joy! The Laughter!"

The entire building shuddered. Sunshine floated off the ground and hung suspended like a chunk of fruit in gelatin, an expression of purest ecstasy on her face. "I see everything! I taste everything! I am everything!" She threw her head back and cackled, phantom wings fluttering at her sides. "The power! The absolute power!

The medium is MINE to command!
TO CONTROL!

And with this power I shall... hurk! Urgg..."

Sunshine landed roughly, her smile finally lost to her growing nausea. Everypony else shook themselves, each feeling herself as though making sure she were still there.

Everypony but one, who approached the thief expectantly.

"I... I..." Sunshine's eyes watered. She looked at the one who stared down at her like a disappointed mother.

"Horses," said Pinkie Pie, "cannot vomit."

Sunshine Smiles conclusively demonstrated that ponies are not horses.

Pinkie stared at the resulting puddle brushing against her hooves. The pink and blue had come together in a purple that was a few shades away from matching any part of Twilight Sparkle.

"Pinkie?" Twilight edged closer. "Please tell me you aren't—"

The puddle collected itself. The pink and blue separated themselves once more, the latter gathering into countless sets of lips that opened in a rosy mass the size of Winona.

Twilight felt an eye twitch. "What."

The mouths opened. Titters, guffaws, chortles, and all other manner of laughter erupted from it with no sign of stopping. "Laughter spawn," Pinkie said, half-shouting to make herself heard. "Minor elemental. Mostly harmless."

"Oh. Okay. So is there a spell to reunite it with you, or—" Twilight cut herself off as Pinkie dipped her head down and began tearing chunks off of the laughter spawn.

"Oh, sick," said a disgusted Dash. Rarity fainted. Fluttershy fled the building. Applejack put her hat between her and the spectacle.

"I'm asking her to sign my copy of At the Hills of Hysteria," said Moonlight. Nopony felt up to arguing with her.

A freshly colorized, poofy-maned Pinkie swallowed the last of the laughter spawn, wiped her muzzle, and gave an appreciative hum. "That's gooood Harmony." She considered Sunshine Smiles, who was still lying on the floor, coughing up bile. "You're lucky, you know."

Sunshine, tears running tracks in her coat, muzzle caked in unpleasant fluids, throat burning with cold, looked up at the one she so wronged. "How?" she croaked.

"You horked it up early. If you'd digested that, you would've become the spawn. All oozy and mutatey and AAAA-glurble-glurble-schplep."

"Oh." Sunshine sniffled. "I... I'm sorry. I really am."

Pinkie leaned in close, squinting at the culprit. "Sorry you did it, or sorry it didn't work like you hoped it would?"

"Both."

"Then I forgive you!" Pinkie drew her up into a hug, heedless of anything getting on her own coat.

Sunshine blinked. "You do?"

"Sure, we do that with anypony who apologizes and means it."

"Oh. Good."

"You're still totally under arrest though."

"Oh."

Author's Note

Sunshine did not retain any metafictional knowledge, just as she did not complete her ascension.

The name and slogan of Sunshine's store, the concept of her running a plot device outlet in the first place, and her nigh-unbreakable good cheer come from Masterweaver's Sharktavia 9: Shark of Inspiration. The rest comes from my own conclusions about the Unicorn Frappucino.

Credit for the title of Moonlight's book goes to dragonjek. It was originally The Shadow over Hinnysmouth, but shoggoths are more appropriate here.