Discord was a potted plant.
A fairly garish potted plant, with chartreuse leaves and purple and hot pink flowers in a bright blue pot. Just for the moment, of course; being a potted plant was fairly boring, so he wasn't going to stay that way for long. But ponies tended to ignore potted plants, even garish ones, so this shape made the perfect way to eavesdrop. And eavesdropping, well... Gossip was a premium source of potential chaos.
The particular conversation he was overhearing sounded very promising. BonBon was talking to Daisy. The pair had their market carts next to each other, and some ponies did seem to quite appreciate being able to buy chocolates and flowers in one go. Talking about business had turned to talking about blossoming romances around town. Romance was definitely a juicy gossip topic, and it was all Discord could do to keep his flowers from salivating at the thought of what he might overhear.
"Well, you never know, but I don't see that one going anywhere. I mean Pokey is pretty hopeless, and he said he was giving them to Rarity!" BonBon put a hoof to her mouth as if to cover her giggle.
"Shoot for the moon, they say." Daisy grinned. "But you're right, Pokey is pretty hopeless. He could hardly talk to me when buying the flowers. Although like you said, you never know. I mean, I used to think that Fluttershy would never actually talk to me either, and she's practically outgoing these days."
"Definitely a success story there. I'd have said you were crazy if you told me she'd be going off and saving the world with alicorns, just a few years ago. And she's so gorgeous too. You know she used to be a model? Definitely a catch for some fine young stallion there."
Daisy frowned faintly, and her tail flicked. "Maybe. But I heard tell..."
"Ooo? What did you hear?"
"That she took Discord as a date to the last Grand Galloping Gala, and the two of them nearly destroyed the palace with this weird green goo. And not only that, somepony told me that Discord actually banished a pony—like, not just banished from Equestria, but sent into some crazy world of chaos—for daring to ask Fluttershy to dance."
"Yikes!" BonBon's eyes were wide.
"I know, right? A stallion would have to be insane to try an date Fluttershy after that. She's going to be an old maid with no company but her animals. Nopony is ever going to date her with Discord hanging around. She'll never have a special somepony."
What! Discord would have glared, but he had flowers, not eyes. Fluttershy, an old maid, alone forever? Never! He popped back into his normal form in the middle of the Ponyville Farmer's Market. "That's complete and utter nonsense!" he declared, "And I know nonsense!"
Daisy fainted as Discord appeared next to her. BonBon gasped. All the other ponies going about their daily business stared as Discord took a dramatic stance, one arm in the air, and declaimed, "Fluttershy is the kindest, most beautiful, most wonderful pony in the world! She will absolutely have a special somepony. I, Discord, promise that I would absolutely never banish a pony merely for dating her! What lies! What absolute calumny! In fact, I promise that I will find her a special somepony! Fluttershy will have her perfect soul mate before the day is done!"
He threw his arms wide dramatically, then vanished, leaving a stunned crowd of ponies behind.
A short time later Discord floated amid the primordial chaos and pondered his course of action. His exclamation had been spontaneous, but like all his sudden whims, he meant it with every fiber of his being. How to go about it, though? He could snap his fingers and make reality change, but to make Fluttershy truly happy would require something perfect. But his magic only made what he envisioned happen, and ponies were strange and irrational creatures, even by his standards! He could hardly envision what sort of stallion dear Fluttershy would like. What exactly did a pony want in a mate? That was a question he knew nothing about. All this business of mates and love and reproduction was pony nonsense that he'd never been the least bit interested in learning about.
Well, if it was pony nonsense, perhaps he should ask some pony about it. Ah, what a brilliant idea! He could ask Fluttershy! But no, no, then it wouldn't be a surprise. And wouldn't that be wonderful, to surprise the darling pegasus with her perfect match? He needed to ask some other pony. He thought about that for a while as random objects, colors, and scents floated by him. What pony should he ask? Well, didn't he have two newly made friends? Yes, they would do admirably. With a thought chaos vanished around him, replaced by reality.
It was a quite small reality, given that he was inside The Great And Powerful Trixie's show wagon. She and Starlight Glimmer were both there, which made things terribly convenient, but given the confined space Discord had appeared only a few inches tall. "Trixie! Starlight! So nice to see two of my best and closest friends!" he said as he popped into existence directly on top of Trixie's muzzle.
Trixie let out a startled squeak and shook her head, sending Discord flying. He let out a "whee!" of delight and landed in Starlight's teacup, still full of tea, with a loud splash. Starlight yelped in surprise, but then smiled when Discord donned a pair of sunglasses and laid back in the tea as if it were a hot tub.
"You seem very... cheerful," said Starlight, with a somewhat wary smile.
Trixie narrowed her eyes. "Yes. Trixie does not recall you ever saying we were your best and closest friends before. Let Trixie guess, you are here to ask for a favor."
"Such suspicion! Can't a spirit of chaos just drop by to visit friends?"
"So that's why you came, just dropping by for a visit?"
"Well..." Discord snapped his fingers, popping a towel into existence and climbed out of the teacup onto the folding table that sat between the two mares. He started to towel himself off. "Actually I do need one teensy little favor."
Starlight chuckled. "I see."
"What sort of favor?" asked Trixie suspiciously.
"When ponies go to pair off into cute little lovey-dovey couples, what do they look for? What does a pony want in a mate?"
Starlight and Trixie both stared at Discord, confused. Finally Trixie said, "The Great and Powerful Trixie wants a pony who admires her. There is no point spending one's time with a pony that doesn't."
Starlight nodded. "Yes, partnership often begins with admiration."
"Excellent!" Discord threw the towel into the air, where it vanished. "Thank you very much, ladies." Then he vanished as well.
"Wait! It begins with admiration, but there's more! Discord!" Starlight called out after him, but he was already on the other side of reality.
"Admiration, hmm? I know just the perfect stallion! Now, what was his name?" Discord scratched his head. It had been something about candy. Butterscotch? Humbug? Fudge? Oh, of course! Caramel! Perfect! He grinned in triumph as he vanished once more, the grin lingering behind like the Cheshire Cat's.
Discord popped into existence at Fluttershy's cottage. "Fluttershy! Oh Fluttershy! I have a surprise for you!"
Fluttershy's head poked out the door. "Discord?"
"I have the solution to all your stallion problems!" He snapped his fingers and a startled Caramel appeared in a puff of dramatic smoke. Caramel immediately began coughing as the smoke cleared.
"Caramel? My stallion problems?" Fluttershy looked confused.
Caramel's head snapped up, and he squeaked out, "Fluttershy?"
"Uhm. Hello."
"Oh my gosh, it's actually you, in person! I... I'm such a fan, you have no idea!"
"Oh. I, uhm, know. I did get your letters. I'm sorry I didn't write back."
"No, I totally understand! You probably get absolutely flooded with fan mail."
"Well, uhm, mostly with your fan mail. You write... a lot."
"Who wouldn't? There's so much to say!"
Discord beamed at the pair. Things were going absolutely perfectly. Caramel definitely admired Fluttershy. Once again he'd proven his superior ability!
"I, uhm, I'm very sorry Caramel, I'm not sure why Discord brought you here, but you do know I don't model any more, yes?"
"Oh yes, but you're still a celebrity! I have clippings of every single news story you've ever appeared in." Fluttershy took a step backwards, her ears going flat. Discord frowned faintly. Didn't that mean that a pony was unhappy about something? What was there to be unhappy about? Caramel, meanwhile, rattled on cheerfully. "You have such a varied skill set. All this saving the world stuff, and everything you do for animals, and the singing too! But I will admit it was the modeling that first caught my eye. I'm jealous, you know. Why if I looked half as good as you do in a dress I swear I would take up modeling myself. And your amazing poses! How do you do it? Teach me your ways!"
Fluttershy looked faintly puzzled. "You want to model?"
"Oh my goodness yes! I would just die for a chance to be in the spotlight." Caramel danced in place with excitement at the idea. "So glamorous!"
"Well... I don't really have any fashion connections any more, except Rarity. But I could put you in touch with her? I know she does sometimes use male models."
"Eee!" The stallion actually squealed like a little filly. "Would you? That would absolutely make my day, week, month and year!"
"Oh my. Of course. Uhm. I have your address, why I don't I have her write you?"
"That would be amazing!" He stopped and looked around, suddenly blinking in surprise. "Wait. Where am I? And how did I get here?"
"You're just outside of Ponyville. Discord brought you here." Fluttershy shot him a glare, which Discord didn't understand at all. He'd been fixing her stallion problem, why was she upset?
Caramel looked up at Discord. "Well, thank you very much, Discord. This is one of the best days of my life! But I kind of need to get home now. I don't suppose you could send me back?"
"You're not staying? You and Fluttershy aren't... I don't know, going to kiss or whatever it is that ponies do when they find their special somepony?"
"Oh wow. Mr. Discord, I appreciate you bringing me here to meet my idol, however that happened, but if you're trying to set us up, my door doesn't swing that way at all."
"Your door. How random of you," said Discord, flatly, refusing to admit he had no idea what Caramel was talking about.
"Discord. Put him back where you found him. Now." Fluttershy's ears were flat again, and Discord knew that tone of voice. He heaved a sigh and snapped his fingers, sending Caramel home.
"There. He's back, all safe and sound."
"Good. Now would you care to explain what this is all about?"
The tone was back again, and Discord had a feeling that any explanation was not going to go well. "You know, on further consideration, I don't think I would! Toodles! I'll be back later!" Discord vanished.
Well, that had not gone at all according to plan. Discord wrapped himself idly in loops around one of the higher spires of Canterlot Palace while he contemplated his next move. Obviously Starlight and Trixie had given him awful advice, but then neither of them had special someponies, so how would they know? He had definitely asked the wrong ponies.
Ah, that was an easily solved problem! Rainbow Dash and Applejack had been dating for months now. Surely a pair of ponies in a relationship would understand how relationships worked. He would just ask them. Easy as pie. He instantly vanished once more, blissfully unaware that pie is actually a relatively difficult dish for the novice baker to perfect.
"Rainbow, my dear, dear friend. How nice to see you!"
Rainbow Dash looked up from where she was napping on a tree branch in Sweet Apple Acres' orchard. Applejack was nowhere to be seen. "Discord? What do you want?"
Discord knew Rainbow Dash well enough to go straight for her most vulnerable spot: her ego. "Why I was hoping that the fastest, most talented, and most attached pony I know could give me some advice."
"You want advice on speed? Gotta say that with those mis-matched wings I don't think you could get the fine control you gotta have. It's all about how you hold the primaries, see? And man, one of your wings doesn't even have primaries!"
"Ha ha ha, yes, obviously. No, I require advice from a pony in a relationship. Just what, exactly, do ponies want from their 'special somepony'?" He made a disgusted face as he used the ridiculously twee pony term.
Dash gave him an odd look. "Why do you want to know? You thinking of asking somepony out?"
"Perish the thought. No. Definitely not. But I have my reasons."
"Heh. If you say so. I guess I just looked for a pony that was as awesome as I was. Awesomeness is definitely key."
"Awesomeness. Got it. Right. So long, and thanks for all the fish!" Discord left a scattering of colorful candy sardines behind him as he once more vanished in a flash of light.
When he reappeared at Fluttershy's, he found her busy making dinner for all her critters. Sundown was annoyingly close, so he rather hoped that this time things would go according to plan. He had sworn that he would find her perfect mate before the day was done, after all. "Sorry to interrupt, Fluttershy, my dear, but I have a question for you."
"Oh. I'm a little bit busy now, Discord. I'm sorry."
"I just need to know one little thing. What pony do you think is the most 'awesome' pony?"
Fluttershy looked confused. "Awesome? I don't know. I suppose Rainbow Dash...?"
"Oh ho! I didn't think you were into mares, my dear! But in that case..."
Discord snapped his fingers, and Rainbow Dash, looking a bit groggy from her nap, appeared from thin air.
"There you are. Now, kiss." He was suddenly standing between the two, one mis-matched arm somehow around each, pushing them towards each other.
Rainbow Dash braced her hooves, trying to scrambled backwards. "Hey! What do you think you're doing?!"
Fluttershy tried to hide behind her hair, blushing furiously. "Discord! I'm not into mares!"
"And I already have a marefriend!" said Dash, outraged.
"Oh, right. I forgot about that little detail. Ah... sorry?" Discord didn't need Fluttershy's glare to tell him to return Dash where he'd gotten her.
When she was gone, Fluttershy said, "And just what was that supposed to be about? You're acting kind of strange today, Discord." She paused, then added, "Well, as far as I can tell, anyway."
"It's supposed to be a surprise. If I explain it will ruin everything. Gotta run, T. T. F. N.!" Discord coiled his tail, bounced on it, and vanished at the top of the bounce, taking himself out of reality and into his own relaxing little dimension. He scowled as he floated there. This was not going according to plan at all! He'd gotten astonishingly bad advice twice in a row! How was he supposed to find Fluttershy's perfect mate when ponies kept being so completely unhelpful?
Well, no doubt he'd be asking the wrong ponies. I mean really, asking advice from Rainbow Dash? Absurd! Completely ridiculous! Really, if he wanted advice, he should probably ask the pony who would lecture him for hours at the drop of a hat. No doubt she had read five million books about finding one's special somepony and would be able to tell him exactly who to pick for dear, sweet Fluttershy so she could be happy forever.
The Castle of Harmony was becoming familiar territory for Discord. The regular gaming nights with Spike and Big Mac were there, for one thing. And Book Horse was there as well. She was always rather fun to mess with, when he could spare a moment. Dangerous to mess with as well, but that was part of the fun!
She was in the library, of course, reading something. Discord appeared as an illustration when she turned the next page, even though the book she was reading didn't have pictures.
HELLO TWILIGHT, said the caption under him.
Twilight stared for a moment, then laughed. "Hello Discord. What brings you here today?"
He peeled himself up off of the page and floated in front of her, still a flat, inked drawing. "I had a question to ask the Princess of Books."
"I'm the Princess of Friendship, not of books," said Twilight with that adorable little grimace she got when a fact was incorrect.
Discord laughed. "Are you certain?"
Twilight scowled just a little. "Very. Anyway, you said you had a question?"
"Yes! Tell me, what is it that makes two ponies into—ugh—special someponies? How does one know who should be a pony's perfect mate?"
"Well, there are many factors that go into finding a match, but I believe having things in common is where it starts. A relationship requires a foundation of some form of common ground."
"Things in common. Aha! That explains why things keep going wrong. But I have an absolutely marvelous idea now. Thanks, Princess Books. Cheerio!"
"Discord! What are you up to? What 'things' are going wrong? You know there's more than just..." Twilight trailed off. Discord had already vanished. "Horseapples. I hope he doesn't cause too much damage with whatever mad scheme he's up to now."
Discord had taken himself back to the primordial chaos, but this time as he hovered in space he pulled a thick phone book out of thin air. Despite Equestria not having phones, the book nevertheless listed ponies just the way one would expect. But instead of having phone numbers, it had little black and white drawings of cutie marks. He was currently perusing the white pages section, for when Twilight had said "things in common" Discord had immediately had an idea.
"Let's see, Valedictorians, Valentines, ah, here it is, Veterinarians! Ooo, and there's one with a butterfly, even! Perfect."
An instant later he was in the examination room of a Canterlot Veterinarian. The vet himself, a skinny stallion with a cutie mark of a puppy chasing a butterfly, was looking at a small dog sitting on the examining table. A middle aged mare, presumably the owner of the dog, stood next to him.
"Greetings! I'm Discord, and I'll be your loooove connection tonight. Just two quick questions before you meet your special somepony."
The dog started barking frantically. Its owner let out a shriek and snatched the animal up, while the vet backed slowly away from the draconequus. Discord snapped his fingers and a muzzle appeared over the barking dog's face, silencing it.
"Much better. Now, those questions. First, Mr. Barkwell, are you currently single?"
"Who are you? What is going on?"
Discord was suddenly wearing a police officer's uniform. He pulled down his mirrored shades and said, "Please, just answer the question."
"I... uhm... yes?"
"Excellent!" The police uniform vanished, and Discord instead now had huge, dewy eyes, shining in the light. "And do you just adore cute little critters? Do you? Do you?"
"I... what? Of course I do, but I don't understand..."
"Perfect! Time to meet your soul mate!" And with another snap of his fingers, Discord and the vet were both gone, leaving the still muzzled dog and its startled owner behind.
When Discord reappeared in her house, Fluttershy was having dinner. She jumped, but hardly let out a squeak, she was fairly used to Discord's coming and going by this point. "Oh. Hello Discord. And... you've brought a guest? I'm afraid I didn't make dinner for two. Or three. I wasn't expecting company."
"Ah, that can be easily fixed!" Discord snapped his fingers and suddenly the simple place setting at the kitchen table became a pair of the sort of place settings one might find at a fancy restaurant, including candles and heart-shaped placemats. "There. A romantic dinner for two. Fluttershy, this is Dr. Barkwell. Dr. Barkwell, this is Fluttershy. You're both single, you both have things in common, and I've set the mood just perfectly, so now I'll be on my way!"
"Wait!" Fluttershy managed to shout it before Discord vanished again.
"Yes, my dear, sweet, Fluttershy?"
"Discord, it's very... sweet that you're trying to find me a coltfriend. Uhm, I think that's what you're trying to do? But you can't just bring random strangers and drop them here."
"But why ever not? A special somepony is someone you have things in common with, yes? You two have things in common. It should be perfect. You even both have butterflies on your little butts of destiny. Obviously you're destined to be together."
"It doesn't work like that, Discord."
"Uhm. Excuse me. I'd like to go home, please?" Dr. Barkwell was wide-eyed and looked more than a little traumatized.
"Oh fine, fine, be that way if you must." Discord said with an exaggerated pout. He snapped his fingers and the stallion vanished.
"Discord... you really don't need to set me up with anypony, I'm fine."
"Don't worry, Fluttershy. I won't let you end up all alone with your animals. I, Discord, promise that you will have your special somepony before the day is done!" He glanced out the window, where the sun had just set and added, "The day ends at midnight, really, doesn't it? Of course it does. But time's a-wasting! Arrivederci!"
Fluttershy, once more alone in her house, put her hoof over her face with a sigh.
Sitting on the branch of a tree somewhere in the Everfree, Discord muttered to himself. "I should have known better than the ask the Princess of Nerdery about romance! That was a complete disaster!" A second version of himself split off from him and patted his shoulder consolingly.
"It's not your fault these ponies don't know how their own species goes about mating."
"No, it's not at all, you're so right."
"Obviously your only mistake was asking ponies who are clueless about romance. I mean Rainbow Dash, really? She hasn't got a romantic bone in her body."
"Oh yes. And Twilight Sparkle is even worse! But there is one pony who seems to be an expert on the subject. I can't believe I didn't think to ask her already!"
"Really? Do tell?" The second Discord gave him a wide-eyed look of fascinated eagerness.
"Yes! Rarity! Who else?"
"That is a wonderful idea, you genius you."
"I am a genius, aren't I?" Discord patted his other self on the back and they merged again. "Now, to ask Rarity, and this time I won't fail, I'll get it exactly right!"
Just for fun, Discord entered Carousel Boutique through the door rather than simply appearing in the middle of the room.
"We're closed!" called out a voice as the bell rang.
"But how shall I ever get the perfect dress for Prom?" said Discord, his face drooping with disappointment.
Rarity poked her head out of a storage room, and gave Discord a skeptical look. "You in a dress? Really?"
"Darling, I look absolutely ravishing in a dress," he said, instantly donning a sparkling red sequined mini-dress and a platinum blonde wig. He posed with one clawed hand on his hip.
Rarity burst into laughter, so Discord counted his absurdity as a success. He banished the dress and said, "In all seriousness, Rarity, my dear, dear friend, I'm here to ask a vitally important question."
"Oh?"
"Yes. You seem to be an expert on romance. Tell me, what is it that a pony looks for in a mate? How do ponies know who is their special somepony? I keep asking, but the answers I get never work out at all!"
"Animal magnetism, darling." Rarity winked at him.
"Say what?"
"Physical attraction. That's the foundation of any good romance. Oh certainly there are other factors. But if the body isn't willing, the heart won't follow. A pony should feel pure physical desire, and the rest can proceed from there."
"Hmm." Discord considered that. The idea of physically desiring a pony seemed strange, but no less unlikely than the other answers he'd gotten. "But how do I know what pony somepony in particular feels this 'animal magnetism' towards?"
"Well, that does tend to vary. I have a... type. I like them tall, white, and handsome." She fluttered her eyelashes at him. "You've got one out of three, at least."
"Oh, this isn't about me at all." Discord made a dismissive gesture and floated onto his back, flipping his tail around. "It's about my dear Fluttershy."
"Well now." Rarity chuckled. "Fluttershy, hmm? I know a little secret about our sweet, shy friend."
"Ooo? Do tell!" Discord leaned close to Rarity.
"Promise you won't let anypony know I told you?"
"I promise."
"Pinkie promise?"
Discord scoffed. "You don't trust me?"
"I trust that Fluttershy would have my hide if she found out I'd told you," said Rarity. "So Pinkie promise, or no juicy gossip for you."
"Oh very well. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." Discord made the required motions.
Rarity grinned. She leaned in and whispered. "I happen to know that Fluttershy practically drools over Big Macintosh Apple."
"Oh ho! Perfect! Absolutely perfect! Thank you, Rarity. You've done me and Fluttershy both an immense service. Farewell!" He gave her a deep, dramatic bow, then vanished once more.
A swift peek through a window opened in reality showed that Big Mac was in his bedroom, about to go to sleep. A snap of his claws brought Big Mac to Fluttershy in an instant. Discord decided that this time he would stay out of it. If Rarity was right, the "animal magnetism" between the two should do the job nicely. So he simply dropped Big Mac next to his sweet Fluttershy and let nature take its course.
Midnight arrived over Ponyville silently, without any particular notice. In Canterlot bells rang a subdued carillon, but in Ponyville there was nothing to mark the changing of the hours. Discord, however, knew exactly what time it was, and he just had to see if his final effort on Fluttershy's behalf had worked. Discreetly he opened a dimensional window into her bedroom and stuck his head through.
He expected to find Fluttershy and Big Macintosh entwined in the bed together, but instead he saw Fluttershy lying alone. He'd failed. The day was definitely over and Fluttershy didn't have a special somepony. He heaved a sigh.
Fluttershy's eyes fluttered open. She blinked drowsily up at Discord, and reached out a hoof towards him. "Discord? Am I still dreaming?" She frowned. "I think it was a dream. It must have been, it couldn't be real."
"Alas, no Fluttershy my dearest. This is cold, cruel reality, where you are lying alone in your bed. I'm sorry I failed you."
She sat up, smiling at him. "Don't be silly, Discord. Well, don't be silly like that, it's not fun at all. You haven't failed me."
"But I didn't find you a special somepony. I asked practically every pony I know for advice on how to do it, and they all led me astray!" Discord oozed in through the window he'd opened, slinking over the edge of reality into Fluttershy's bedroom, to coil in a sad little heap on the floor.
Fluttershy giggled. "Oh Discord. Did you ever consider asking me?"
He blinked up at her. "But then it wouldn't have been a surprise!"
"A special somepony really shouldn't be a surprise gift. That's not how it works. Ponies shouldn't even get pets as surprise gifts, the companionship of another living being is something serious, not something you just give on a whim. I think that's even more true when it comes to a partner you want to live with for the rest of your life. If you'd asked me about it, I would probably have told you that."
"Oh. Well then, Fluttershy, I suppose I should ask you. How does a pony find a special somepony?"
"My mother always said you should be friends first. She said that your special somepony should be your best friend."
"But I thought I was your best friend," Discord said, somewhat petulantly.
Fluttershy reached down her hoof and pulled Discord's face up close to hers. She planted a little kiss on the tip of his nose and said, "Exactly, you silly creature."
Discord blushed bright red. "You can't possibly mean that you... that I... that we..."
"I can, and I do. I don't want a special somepony, Discord. I want a best friend that I can love. And my best friend in all the world is you."
Her other hoof came up and she pulled Discord a little closer, and kissed him gently, sweetly, right on the lips.
Discord had no idea what was going on, but somehow he did know that this was very important, and somehow he also knew that there was only one possible response he could give. He reached out to wrap his mis-matched arms around her and kissed Fluttershy back.
Author's Note
Thanks for coming along for the ride on this one. Hopefully it was fun.
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