Study Reveals: Human Baby Flurry Heart is Stupid

by Justice3442

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Shining Armor, Sunset Shimmer, Dean Cadance, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Flurry Heart
Length: 4154

Sunset Shimmer and Equestria’s own Princess of Friendship Twilight Sparkle have spent hours, literally hours, researching earth baby intelligence and have come to some startling conclusions regarding human Flurry Heart.

Sunset Shimmer and Equestria’s own Princess of Friendship Twilight Sparkle have spent hours, literally hours, researching earth baby intelligence and have come to some startling conclusions regarding human Flurry Heart.

Cover art cropped from a piece by Calli-pi-zho.

Published 2017-04-25 04:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-04-25 04:20:01 UTC

You know it's sciencey because they put on lab coats!

Study Reveals: Human Baby Flurry Heart is Stupid

White lab coats buttoned around their chests and clipboards at the ready, Sunset Shimmer and Princess Twilight Sparkle sat perched on stools on one side of a lab table wearing faces that seemed weighed down with all the heft of the world. Across from the women sat a white-skinned man with dark blue hair with a couple light blue streaks in it and a woman with full pink lips, light pink skin, and cascading pink- yellow-magenta hair. In her arms, the woman held a small baby in a pale pink onesie that had pink-magenta hair with light blue streaks in it. While the baby giggled happily in her mother’s arms, her parents sat and stared at the women across with them like they were waiting for an executioner's ax to drop on their necks.

“Thank you two for coming on such short notice,” Sunset said.

“Uh… Sure…” Shining Armor replied. “I mean… We needed to pick up Flurry Heart anyways, so it wasn’t really a big deal... um…” Shining Armor took another moment to look over the girls. “Or is it?”

Sunset frowned heavily. “It kind of is.”

Shining’s eyes went wide. “Something bad happened to Twily? Uh… My Twily?” He looked squarely at Twilight. “No offense.”

Twilight held up a hand. “None taken. Twilight Sparkle Two is fine.”

Sunset couldn’t help but roll her eyes.

Shining and Cadance visible relaxed.

“Probably fine,” Sunset stressed.

Eyebrows suddenly rose on the other side of the table.

Twilight sighed. “She set up a trip to Equestria today, but when you asked her to babysit and she said yes, Sunset immediately contacted me.”

Cadance chuckled. “Well, taking Flurry across dimensions certainly is something that her parents should discuss.”

Sunset nodded. “Especially since there is a very high chance that Flurry Heart will turn into an adorable destroyer of cities on the other side.”

“What?!” Cadance and Shining replied.

Sunset waved her hand about. “Story for another time!”

“Okay… So Twily…?” Shining began.

“She’s on the other side of the portal,” Twilight said. “She’s absolutely fine!”

-oo~On the other side of the portal~oo-

“Microscope!” With a ‘zap!’ an amethyst-colored blast that reflected in her glasses, the piece of wood in front of Earth’s Twilight suddenly changed to a microscope. Giddily, she turned her focus to another piece of wood. “Petri Dish!” With another ‘zap!’ and blast, the piece of wood turned into a petri dish. She changed focus to yet another piece of wood. “Crucible!”

‘Zap!’

“This is the best day of my life!” exclaimed the excited unicorn. “Magic is the best thing ever!” she shrilled.

“I know, right?!” agreed a light blue unicorn pony. She motioned to herself proudly with a forehoof. “And you’re lucky to have such a grrrrrreat and powerful teacher, such as myself.”

“Two great and powerful teachers!” Starlight interrupted as she walked over with a tray of teacakes and set them in front of Twilight and Trixie. She smirked at Trixie. “Besides, I’m the one who taught you.”

Trixie smiled and rolled her eyes. “Well, I still have the best hair.”

Twilight grinned earnestly at Trixie. “Well, you’re still way more knowledgeable than me! I can’t tell you how much fun I’ve had hanging out with two such accomplished magic users!”

Trixie beamed. “Hey, Starlight—”

“No!” Starlight answered. “We can’t trade out our Twilight for this one!”

Trixie frowned. “But… Maybe with a fake wing spell, we can…”

“No.”

“... Temporary Twilight trade?”

“No!”

Trixie put on sullen expression and looked away.

Spike walked up to the group. “Uh… girls? We kind of have a situation here.”

“Sorry, Spike,” Twilight replied. “Can it wait? We’re in the middle of a -squee- magic lesson!”

“Uh, I’m not your Spike. Your Spike won’t stop staring at his claws and freaking out about it.”

“Seriously! What do you do with all these things?!” shouted the Spike who was usually a dog from elsewhere in the castle. “And how do you clean yourself?! I’ve been trying to reach my crotch since I got here!”

“Dude!” Spike shouted back. “Your tongue is like three feet long!” Spike muttered to himself, "Celestia help us if he figures out he can breathe fire."

“Whaaaaaat?!” There was a pause. “Whoakay! Thwats wone poblem solffed!”

Spike cringed.

Starlight gave Spike a slightly abashed grin. “I’ll help you out, Spike…”

The two walked off.

Trixie watched them leave then smiled at Twilight. “Twilight… How would you like to learn some advanced magic?”

“... I want that more than I have ever wanted anything ever!” Twilight answered.

Trixie grinned mischievously as her horn glowed lilac. A hard-bound book with a lock and a small note that read, “Do not open!” with a skull and crossbones doodle at the bottom floated onto the table in front of the two mares. Trixie unceremoniously tossed the note away with a glow of her horn, produced a few tiny picks from her hair, and shoved them in the lock. With a small amount of fiddling, it unlocked. “Ta-da!”

Twilight giggled in mirth and clapped her forehooves together

“Hey! What’s going on over there?!”

Trixie sighed heavily. “Oh here we go, Starlight’s boring side emerges at last.”

Starlight stormed over, scowling at Trixie.

Twilight’s ears wilted slightly. “Sorry, Starlight… Trixie just wanted to show me some advanced magic…”

“From that book?!” Starlight said pointing at the book. “I don’t think so,” Starlight said as she took up the book in an electric glow, locked it, and reshelved it.

Trixie let out a tired and slightly disappointed sigh.

“Oh, it’s such a good thing I’m here to supervise,” Starlight said. “That book is barely above child’s play…” she floated down an even larger book that was chained up with a note that said, ‘DO NOT OPEN, EVER!’ with many skulls and crossbones doodled on it. “Now THIS book! This book is where all the good stuff is!”

Trixie let out a guffaw. “I really should learn not to doubt you, Starlight.”

Starlight shot Trixie a knowing glance. “You really do.”

Twilight stared at the book, the note and chains still present, with wide, almost hungry eyes. “I am so deliriously happy right now…”

-ooo-

“She’s probably fine,” Sunset stressed again.

Cadance and Shining looked at Sunset then back towards Twilight. “Okay,” began Shining, “so if the problem isn’t with Twily, then…?”

Twilight swallowed. “Look, there’s no easy to way to say this but…” Twilight looked down pensively at Flurry Heart.

Cadance and Shining Armor’s faces both turned pale, though the change was nearly unnoticeable with Shining. “Is something wrong with Flurry?!” Cadance said.

Twilight threw up her palms in front of her. “Physically, she’s fine.”

Face full of worry, Cadance took a moment to look down at Flurry. Her baby simply smiled up at her mom and burbled incoherently. Slowly she looked back up at the two young women in the room. “But mentally…?”

“Or spiritually?” Shining Armor added.

Everypony in the room paused and looked at Shining, except Flurry who amused herself by making a farting noise with her mouth.

“Shining, honey,” Cadance began, “how would the girls know if they’re anything spiritually wrong with Flurry Heart?”

Shining Armor shrugged. “I don’t know, but they both know science and magic…” He motioned to the women across the table from him. “I mean… Look at those lab coats. They just seem so knowledgeable.”

Sunset nodded. “That we do.”

Twilight sighed. “As far as I know there’s nothing spiritually wrong with Flurry Heart.”

“So… mentally, then,” Cadance repeated.

“I’m sorry,” Twilight said solemnly. “But the facts are that Flurry Heart showed almost no degree of situational awareness while we had her, couldn’t distinguish Sunset Shimmer from me, and spent an alarming amount of time simply sucking her thumb.” Twilight pointed at Flurry Heart. “She’s even doing it now!”

Flurry Heart momentarily took her thumb out of her mouth to coo happily at the attention she was receiving.

Cadance and Shining’s foreheads creased. Slowly they turned to look at the other as if checking that the other’s thoughts mirrored their own. This fact confirmed through facial expression, they turned back to the girls on the other side of the table.

“Flurry Heart is a baby,” Cadance stressed to Twilight.

“Well… obviously,” Twilight replied.

Shining looked down at his child. “Flurry Heart?”

Flurry turned and smiled at her father as she let out a few happy coos.

Shining looked up at the girls. “Girls, lab coats or no, I think Flurry’s mental state is fine for a baby her age.”

Cadance nodded in agreement.

Twilight let out a heavy sigh.

“Told you,” Sunset said.

Relieved looks began to take shape on Cadance and Shining’s faces.

“I knew this would be hard for them to accept,” Twilight said, “but they really are just dismissing our findings right out of hoof… hand!”

Sunset shrugged. “Some people just aren’t ready to face the truth, Twilight.”

Relieved looks that soon gave way to annoyance.

Twilight stood up and held her hands in front of her defensively. “We know this is hard to accept, but we brought evidence.”

Cadance and Shining Armor’s immediately became tense again as Flurry Heart burbled inquisitively.

Twilight walked around a lab table to the door of the lab and opened it. “Please come in,” she said to someone on the other side.

Twilight held open the door as another Cadance and Shining Armor walked in, this pair wearing incredibly fancy clothes that sparkled like crystals in the sunlit room. The new Cadance also held a Flurry Heart in a baby’s onesie.

The Cadance and Shining at the table’s eyes widened slightly as the two Flurrys locked eyes. Immediately both began giggling excitedly and reaching out for the other.

“Please be seated,” Twilight said as she motioned to a couple empty stools at the table with Sunset and the others. “And Flurry, this is important, Auntie Twilight needs you to be a quiet girl for a just a little bit, alright?”

Much to the already seated Cadance and Shining Armor’s surprise, the new Flurry Heart, if somewhat begrudgingly, ceased reaching out for her other-dimensional twin.

Sunset motioned to the look-alikes as they took seats. “This is Princess Cadance, Prince Shining Armor, and their daughter Princess Flurry Heart from Equestria.” She frowned slightly. “We actually only needed Princess Flurry Heart for this, but as soon as we talked to Cadance and Shining Armor about babysitting for a few hours, they started a bout of hysterical crying… It was touching and pathetic all at once.”

“Hello! It’s a pleasure to meet you!” Princess Cadance said happily as she reached a hand over the table. She turned towards Twilight and Sunset. “Like this, right?”

The two girls smiled back and nodded.

Cadance took the hand and shook it, a slightly mystified expression on her face.

Prince Shining Armor also smiled and extended his hand. “Pleasure to meet you, other me, other wife of other me.”

“Uh, sure!” Shining Armor said as he took the hand. “Always nice to see familiar faces.” He turned and winked at Princess Cadance. “Especially such a beautiful one.”

Both Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadance blushed slightly and each batted a hand in the air like they were feebly trying to swat away a compliment. “Oh, you…” they said simultaneously.

Cadance giggled slightly as she and her husband swapped the hands they were shaking.

“Hey! I know this is sudden and all,” Prince Shining Armor began. “But maybe we can meet up for a playdate?”

Cadance gasped. “That’s a great idea!”

Princess Cadance beamed as Princess Flurry Heart began to coo enthusiastically. “I know, right! I bet both Flurrys would love it!”

Cadance began to shake with giddy excitement. “And we dress them like they're twins!”

Shining Smiled to himself. “Glad I thought of it.”

Cadance smirked at her husband. “But you didn’t.”

Prince Shining Armor grinned. “Oh, but didn’t he?”

The two couples immediately broke into a bout of laughter as their babies burbled in delight.

Twilight gave the two couples a serious look. “Sorry, but this is really important.”

A round of sighs sounded out from the people at the table.

“Of course, Twilight,” Cadance said.

Twilight looked at Princess Flurry Heart. “Flurry Heart? Where’s Twilight?”

Princess Flurry Heart giggled and pointed to Twilight.

“Okay, now where’s Sunset Shimmer?”

Smiling, Flurry Heart moved her index finger to point at Sunset.

“There, you see?” Twilight said as she looked up at Cadance and Shining.

“Okay, now point to mommy!” Sunset said enthusiastically.

Princess Flurry Heart paused and looked across the room, then looked up at the Cadance whose arms she laid in. Even on her young face, it was clear she was at a bit of a loss.

“Now point to daddy!” Sunset said, smile starting to spread across her face.

“Ga…goo…” Flurry Heart replied with a pensive look as she slowly covered her face with her arms.

Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor wrapped their arms across their child and glared at Sunset.

Sunset chuckled. “Sorry! I just wasn’t sure what she would do…”

“Sunset!” Twilight chastised. “Get serious.”

“Right, right… Game face on…” Sunset said as her smile dropped. She looked at Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor. “Can you give us the room again, please? This is some pretty heavy stuff we have to talk about.”

The royal pair nodded and stood up. Prince Shining Armor carrying Princess Flurry Heart, the two made their way to the door.

“It was nice meeting you!” Princess Cadance called out. “Just get in contact with Sunset about possible play dates! She should be able to coordinate with Twilight to get ahold of us.”

“That sounds awesome!” Shining exclaimed.

“Uh, yeah, of course…” Cadance replied with a wave.

Prince Shining Armor lifted his arm to wave behind him. “Also good luck with your less intelligent version of our baby!”

Cadance and Shining winced.

“Shining!” Princess Cadance chastised.

“What?” PrinceShining Armor replied, the couple’s voices getting further and further. “Would you rather I said their baby was stupid?”

“Well, no… but I mean… they must feel bad enough as it is!”

Her cheeks slightly rosy, Twilight walked over and shut the door.

Cadance let out a heavy sigh. “While I can accept that maybe Equestrian Flurry Heart is smarter than our Flurry Heart—”

“By an alarming degree!” Sunset interrupted.

Twilight nodded her head up and down.

Cadance glared at the women in lab coats and continued, “Just… How much research did you girls actually do?! You’ve only had Flurry for half a day!”

“I know this isn’t quite a comprehensive study given the time we had, but I wanted to do all the research I could before you came for Flurry Heart so you could do something about this sooner rather than later,” Twilight replied. “Sunset was able to download and show me several documentaries, at least.”

Cadance and Shining exchanged concerned glances again. “What documentaries?” Shining asked.

“The Boss Baby,”Twilight answered, “Baby Geniuses… Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2…”

Cadance and Shining’s faces immediately tightened into scowls which they directed at Sunset.

Sunset held a fist in front of her mouth. A fist that wasn’t quite concealing a smile.

Cadance shifted her annoyed glance back to Twilight. “Those are movies, Twilight,” Cadance informed. “Not documentaries.”

Twilight frowned and turned towards Sunset. “You told me all three were based on sound, scientific fact!”

“Of-teehee-of course!” Sunset replied, her lips clearly dissenting against the poker face she was trying to contain. “This is all real, super serious science! I’m-pffft-I’m serio…hehehehahahaBWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Something clearly snapped behind Twilight’s eyes and she stood up. “You… you… You unbelievable jerk!” Twilight said as she began swatting at Sunset.

Still laughing, Sunset put her hands up in front of her face. “But you were so into this! HAHAHAHA! I couldn’t help myself!”

Twilight threw her hands in the air. “I was feverously taking notes on earth babies for those movies! Notes I thought were of real scientific value!”

“So-sorry! Hehehe…!” Sunset said as she wiped tears away from her hand. “We were watching Flurry Heart play and Twilight was suddenly all, ‘I think something is wrong with Flurry Heart’, and then I started freaking out and asking if we needed to call you two or take Flurry to a hospital. But Twilight here was all… Hahahaha… ‘No! I don’t think she’s in danger, but I think she might be stupid!’ And then she started talking about Flurry Heart back in Equestria and before I could even get a word in, Twilight was all ‘We have to research this! Cadance and Shining Armor HAVE to know the facts!’”

Cadance’s eyes narrowed further at Sunset. “So instead of telling her the truth, you decided to egg her on?”

“Hehehe. I know that was kind of mean,” Sunset said.

“‘Kind of?!’” Twilight cried angrily. “I’ve been stressing out for hours about breaking the news to Shining and Cadance!” Twilight said motioning to the pair across the table. “And you… you…”

“Okay, but do you have any clue how hilarious it is to watch someone totally engaged in a movie as horrifically bad as Baby Geniuses, let alone Baby Geniuses 2, knowing that person-pony thinks they’re learning about Earth? Let me tell you, that is some comedy platinum right there!”

“Sunset Shimmer!” Cadance chastised. “This wasn’t funny! You made us think something was wrong with our baby!”

Sunset stopped and turned towards Cadance, taking notice of the quite angry expression on her face. Shining, likewise, was glaring at her. Meanwhile, baby Flurry’s lips began to quiver slightly and it looked like she might start wailing at any moment. “Ah, geez…” Sunset rubbed the back of her head. “Okay, I see now I took this too far. Twilight’s just easy to trick sometimes.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “That sounds like ‘shifting the blame’ to me.”

Sunset raised a palm in front of her. “You’re right.” She turned back to Cadance and Shining. “That’s no excuse for making you two worry about your own daughter. I’m truly sorry I facilitated this going so far instead of hitting the brakes before you two were involved.”

Cadance and Shining’s faces relaxed slightly.

Cadance smiled and nodded. “Okay… Apology accepted.”

“Ditto,” Shining said with a nod.

“And what about me?!” Twilight exclaimed.

Sunset thought for a moment. “… Still funny,” she answered.

“Sunset!” Twilight snapped.

“Seriously!” Sunset said. “I only get to pull this gag on you once. Maybe more than once if I pick the right movies, but I’m never going to have the opportunity to observe someone watching something as mind-boggling stupid as the Baby Geniuses movies with an expression of genuine interest!”

Twilight began to growl.

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

All eyes turned to Shining Armor as he let out a huge belly laugh. “HAHAHAHAHAhahahehehe! Sorry! just pictured Twilight doing that.”

Cadance paused and glanced upwards. Slowly a smile cracked on her lips, a crack that grew into a gaping hole that let out a torrent of laughter that Shining joined in.

Red faced, Twilight glared at the couple then turned to Sunset.

Sunset simply motioned towards Cadance and Shining. “See! They think it’s funny!”

Shining did his best to put something of a lid on his laughter. “I know it’s not quite my sister but…. Hahahaha… Please tell me you recorded some of that!”

“No!” Twilight said a little too hastily. “There are zero recordings of the whole thing start to finish.”

Cadance also tried to put a lid on her laughter. “Hahahahehe… Twilight… That sounds-hehe-oddly specific.”

Sunset snickered. “Twilight wanted to record Flurry’s reaction to the movies for—” Sunset air quoted “—‘scientific reasons’. So we have hours of Flurry watching the movies as Twilight furiously takes notes.”

Cadance gasped. “That sounds hilarious and adorable!”

“Can we have a copy?!” Shining asked excitedly as Flurry Heart waved her hands and feet in front of her excitedly.

Sunset nodded. “Sure! The recording is digital and I already made backups. I’ll email you guys a link.”

“Grrr….Sunsssssset!” Twilight hissed.

“Oh lighten up Twilight! They’re your sorta family! It’s not like I put this one up on MeTube or anything!”

“You only privately shaming me to a select group is only marginally better than publicly shaming me!”

“But look how happy your extradimensional brother and sister-in-law look!”

Twilight turned and sighed. Her extradimensional brother and sister-in-law were already making plans for the evening in between taking turns waggling their fingers over Flurry Heart.

“We should watch that tonight!” Shining said.

“Yes!” Cadance agreed. “And we can have Flurry join us so we can also watch Flurry Heart watch herself!”

Shining Armor gasped. “And then we can record that and later show it to her so then we can watch Flurry Heart watching Flurry Heart watching herself!”

“Oh my gosh! YES!” Cadance exclaimed as Flurry Heart let out a joy filled burble.

Twilight sighed. “Well… I guess some good came out of this…”

Sunset frowned heavily. “Sure, but… Maybe there is some real good we can do together before Equestria’s Shining Armor and Cadance leave.”

Twilight tilted her head slightly. “Like what?”

Sunset motioned to Shining and Cadance. “From what I can tell all four of them are a bit overly obsessed with their baby, as adorable as she is. I really think they need to learn to let their child go for just a little more than half a day without freaking out about it and having to be by her side. Otherwise, both Flurry Hearts are going to have some pretty awkward teen years.”

Twilight rubbed her chin. “They do both seem to be a little too attached.”

“A little?!” Sunset cried. “I’m amazed the babies aren’t still physically tethered to their moms at this po—”

‘KAPHOOOOOOM!

Everyone jumped as they heard a cacophonous noise from outside. A noise that Twilight and Sunset immediately recognized as magical in nature. The two exchanged worried glances and rushed towards the window of the lab while Flurry Heart began to cry and Cadance and Shining did their best to calm her down with a snail plushy.

Twilight and Sunset looked outside down at the mirror portal as energies from the portal bathed the Canterlot High Courtyard in unnatural light.

Sunset closed her eyes, crossed her fingers, and began to chant, “Not Midnight Sparkle… Not Midnight Sparkle… Not Midnight Sparkle…”

Twilight also closed her eyes, crossed her fingers, and made her own chant, “Not Starlight, Not Starlight Not Starlight…”

“Sunset Shimmer!” a feminine voice which reverberated with magical power called out. “I have come for my revenge!”

Twilight threw her hands into the air. “YES!” she cried enthusiastically.

Sunset’s shoulders dropped. “Oh boy… Never going to hear the end of this one.”

Twilight tossed a smug smirk in Sunset’s direction. “Well… you deserve—“

“AND I’M NOT ALONE!” the voice added.

The two women immediately turned back towards the window as a purple skinned woman with a long central horn made of crackling electric blue arcs emerged from the portal. Her purple hair with an electric blue streak through it seemed to dance like lightning atop her head as she pulled herself through the portal revealing wings made out of pure electric blue current. “Twilight Sparkle, prepare to be Equalized!”

Sunset smiled widely and pointed at Twilight. “HAH!”

Twilight smacked a palm against her face.

“Equalized into ASHES along with all your little friends on this miserable rock!”

The smile quickly fled from Sunset’s face as Twilight turned to her with a worried expression. “Oh, this isn’t good…” Sunset uttered.

“Well…” Shining began, “… At least things couldn’t get any worse?”

Twilight and Sunset immediately wheeled around and shot Shining disbelieving looks.

“Earth BBBFF!” Twilight moaned. “Why?!”

Shining winced. “Something I said?”

Cadance cradled Flurry Heart in her arms. “You tempted fate, dear…”

“Oh, pashaw!” Shining said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “That’s not a real thing.”

Sunset raised an eyebrow. “What… Like unicorns and magic aren’t real things?”

“Okay, but those are extradimensional things,” Shining replied. “‘Tempting fate’ is more a pessimistic superstition and has no bearing on reali—”

“Twilight Sparkle!” another feminine voice called out. “Today we find out once and for all who is the greatest magician of all time! Of all worlds! Prepare yourself, Twilight, for once again, you face the Grrrrrrreeeeeaaaat and All Powerful Trixie!”

Twilight and Sunset folded their arms across their chest and glared at Shining Armor.

“… I’ll just shut up now,” Shining uttered.

“Well…” Twilight said looking at Sunset. “I guess we better pony up.”

Sunset and Twilight began to walk out of the lab. “Oh, the girls and I have superpowers now, remember?” Sunset said.

“Oh right!” Twilight said. “Just like Superbab—”

“Twilight, if you compare this situation to Baby Geniuses 2, I SWEAR I will feed you to the mega-magic monsters myself!”

The End.