Man Cannot Live On Tea Alone

by PropMaster

Rating: teen
Tags: Rarity, Other, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Comedy
Length: 6606

Jake finds himself roped into a high tea with Princess Celestia and a group of snobby nobles. The lunch is boring, the tea is boring, and the nobles are boring. Jake must brave a conversation with Rarity before he can escape and get some damn coffee.

Jake, a new arrival to Equestria, finds himself roped into a high tea with Princess Celestia and a group of snobby nobles. The lunch is boring, the tea is boring, and the nobles are boring. Celestia gives Jake an out, and he takes it, braving a final conversation with one 'Lady Rarity' in the hopes that he can escape the whole boring affair and get a cup of goddamn coffee.

Inspired by the amazing cover art, by SunBusting.

Rated T for snarky language and witty banter.
The sequel to this story is now available.

Published 2017-04-26 04:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-04-26 04:50:01 UTC

My Kingdom For A Dark Roast

I woke up in my room in Canterlot Castle as the sun broke through the curtains by my bedside, the warm rays reaching across my face. I grunted and stretched languidly, my arms touching the headboard and my toes reaching to hit the baseboard. I glanced up towards the bedside table and squinted at the small mechanical alarm clock, observing the blurry hands, before I reached up and rubbed at my eyes. I gave the clock a second look, and successfully determined that it was too early. I also knew that there was no possibility of rolling over and going back to sleep. Princess Celestia had moved me to this room a week ago, and while it was certainly more well-appointed then the small quarters I had initially been housed in, the underlying objective had been to get me onto the Eastern side of the castle, where the sun hit earliest. Princess Celestia did not appreciate my insistence on sleeping in. She was a mare of action, the Patron Saint of Early Risers.

I'd called her that, once, to her face. She'd moved me to this room the very next day. For a "saint", she wasn't all that forgiving. Frankly, she probably could stand to act less pleased with herself and her petty maneuvering. She delighted in it, though, and at least I wasn't so petty that I couldn't admit when I'd been bested. So, I had made peace with the sun hitting my face every morning, and had resolved to try to get up at a reasonable hour.

I still felt like a bunch of earth ponies were stomping on my head, but that could be handled with a shower and some coffee.

I rose and, after a shower in my room's adjoining bathroom, pulled on my black pants and a simple, white button-up shirt with long sleeves and cuffs. There was a certain level of decorum that was expected of castle staff and guests, and I erred on the side of caution and always wore something nice enough to be dressy, but not so dressy as to be uncomfortable. After all, I was currently almost constantly in the company of Princess Celestia as I acclimated to life in Equestria, which meant that my day could vary wildly; from meetings with foreign dignitaries to quiet meals with the Princesses and a few attendants.

I was new to Equestria. I'd arrived two months ago, the victim of an unfortunate summoning accident involving a student at Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. Somebody had gotten too big for their magical pony britches and had messed up a spell, and I'd ended up pulled from my home to Equestria.

It had been a lot to take in, at first, but I'd been offered the guidance of Princess Celestia, who had taken responsibility for her student's mistake. Celestia had given me a space to live in and had placed the staff of Canterlot Castle at my disposal, while she had worked with the erstwhile student and the heads of her school to find a solution to the magical problem. None had been immediately forthcoming. Apparently, magic was complicated. Go figure, huh? It was something of a science, I'd learned, and the spell needed to be reproducible in order to duplicate the initial effect and hopefully find a way to make a counter-spell. The ponies at Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns had been concerned that in the process of reproducing the spell, they could accidentally bring another person into Equestria. I didn't want to take a chance of stranding another person in a new world, so I'd asked them to find another way. They'd ensured me that there were other things they could do, theory-crafting their way through the problem, but it would take longer. Much longer, unfortunately. Apparently the student responsible for my summoning was already writing a thesis on the whole ordeal.

So I found myself a permanent guest of Canterlot Castle, and a temporary immigrant to Equestria.

I checked myself in the mirror and ran my fingers through my short, dark hair, before shrugging to my reflection. There wasn't exactly a lot to work with, so I ensured that I wasn't a mess and that my shirt didn't have wrinkles before heading out the door and into the hallway. Sapphire Spirit, my daytime guard, was standing outside my door, her golden armor gleaming with the high polish I'd come to associate with the fastidious nature of the castle and those that lived and worked in it. She turned to look up at me, her face set in a neutral position that I'd learned was colloquially known as "guard face". It projected an air of stern, competent vigilance, and brooked no fools or tourists.

Sapphire Spirit was a tad on the small side for a guard, though she was above average for a mare, and her coat appeared white and her mane blue beneath her armor. I knew it was an enchantment, but I'd never seen her with her armor off. The only thing that was 'hers' was her eye color, a light amber. I cast a smile at Sapphire and nodded to her, "Corporal Spirit, good morning."

She returned my nod. "Good morning. You're expected for breakfast in the Starswirl Lounge, in the East Wing."

"Not running late, am I?" I asked, as I began walking down the hall. I'd gotten a decent idea of the layout of the castle over time, and I knew the way.

"Only by a few minutes. Any longer and I would have knocked," Sapphire said.

"I appreciate that," I said, and I meant it. I knew that Sapphire was a mare who appreciated punctuality, but balanced it with realistic expectations. I respected Sapphire's leniency in the mornings, as she knew I was working on adjusting to an earlier schedule. I had a feeling that Celestia had chosen Sapphire for this job precisely because she was a patient mare.

Sapphire, being a pegasus pony like many of the Royal Guard, shifted her wings slightly as she moved alongside me, moving her armor and adjusting it a bit. Her back reached just a bit below my waist and the top of her ears met my shoulder. The ponies of Equestria were small, though if they reared up on their hind legs they could look me in the eye, which had luckily only happened once. I'd gotten Raven Inkwell, Celestia's personal assistant, miffed when I'd stolen the last muffin at breakfast a few days back.

Tiny pastel ponies could be intimidating. Who knew?

Sapphire and I walked through the castle, keeping to the edge of the halls as the staff bustled about. This was not a exactly a residence, but a government center, primarily. It was always busy, day and night, full of ponies doing important work. I wasn't certain how Celestia found time to work me into her schedule every day, but she did it. She had kept me by her side on a fairly consistent basis, giving me small jobs. I'd taken notes on petitioners during days where she held court, had assisted with lectures at the school, and generally been made useful. I hadn't been assigned a position, officially, though I served as something equivalent to a page. Raven Inkwell was technically my boss, though she hadn't ever given me any work or assignments. Celestia had handled much of that personally.

Celestia had explained her plan to me, and I thought it was very clever. "The ponies of Canterlot thrive on intrigue and rumor. You wouldn't be afforded respect as an oddity, nor would you be instantly accepted if I set you loose. By keeping you close, but not discussing your position in my court, you are in a position where ponies have to assume that you are important. Also, by keeping you at my side with no extra guards, it communicates that you are safe. It means less anxiety for ponies that meet you in situations where you are alone, and allows you the acceptance you would need to live in Equestria as a happy member of society, for as long as you are with us."

I appreciated her sense of strategy. Celestia had helped me acclimate to Equestria, and I felt indebted to her in some respect, so I did as she asked, mostly. My resistance to her early rising schedule was a battle I'd fought, and was losing. At this point, I only offered up token resistance. I was a free man! No monarch ruled me! Though, as far as monarchs went, Celestia seemed to be a paragon of the species. She reminded me of a Queen we had back home.

Sapphire Spirit drew up to a halt in front of the doors to the Starswirl Lounge, standing before two other Royal Guards who flanked the door into the room. They gave me a familiar nod, stoic as always, and I stopped before them. "Gentlemen. How long has Celestia been taking breakfast?" I asked.

The two guards glanced at one another, and one spoke up. "About six minutes."

"Hmm. Interesting. Anything to report?" I asked, stalling. Sapphire Spirit cast me a dirty look from beneath her helmet, and I smirked at her. Token resistance, just to stick it to Princess Celestia. I thought I was clever.

The guards looked surprised, and they looked at Sapphire Spirit, hoping to glean something from my escort as to my strange question. Sapphire turned to me and frowned. "Sir, I know you've got some kind of... thing going between Princess Celestia and yourself about your morning schedule, but if you don't get into that lounge in about ten seconds, I am going to kick you through that door and you can figure out how to explain the hoofprints on your ass to the Princess."

I blanched, casting a surprised look at the aggressive little pegasus, and closed the distance to the door. I cast a glance over my shoulder at Sapphire as I entered the Starswirl Lounge. "I'd assumed that Celestia assigned you to me for your patience. I obviously misjudged your character, Corporal."

Sapphire smirked once, victorious, before her face once again assumed its stern state, and the door closed between the two of us.

The Starswirl Lounge was a comfortable room situated in the East Wing of the castle, which was also known as the Solar Wing. Celestia made her home in the Solar Wing, and the rooms and hallways bore her touch, expressed through the decor. Tastefully cheery banners, windows to let in lots of light, warm fireplaces, and fluffy rugs and carpets. Celestia was a mare that appreciated comfort as one of the few allowances she could get in her part of the castle, and the Starswirl Lounge reflected this. The Princess herself lay atop a pile of pillows, next to a low table situated near the fireplace. A serving tray filled with vegetarian breakfast foods sat on one end, and a tea tray with a simple tea set and kettle sat on the other. Raven Inkwell sat a few feet away at a desk, quill floating in the grasp of her sparkling pink magic field. Celestia spared me a glance over her shoulder and smiled warmly, turning back to gaze at the fireplace as she addressed me. "Good morning, Jake."

"Princess," I said casually, walking over to a overstuffed cushion nearest the breakfast tray and sprawling onto it with a sigh. Raven shot me a dirty look, glancing at the clock on the wall pointedly, and I returned it with a practiced shit-eating grin. I was determined not to let Celestia know how much the early morning had taken it out of me, so I maintained my chipper attitude, reached for a small plate, and began helping myself to a hearty serving of eggs and toast. I gazed wistfully around the room, hoping for a kettle of coffee, but there was only tea.

Celestia sipped at some tea, the saucer balanced on one forehoof and the small cup held in her magic. She spoke up after I'd served myself. "I trust you slept well?"

"Oh, yes, thank you," I said after swallowing, "I really appreciate the new quarters. The sun really comes through the eastern windows, and it lights the place up. Especially my face."

Celestia's placid expression turned into a sly smirk. "Oh? That sounds like a lovely way to wake up."

I suppressed a growl, and stuffed some toast into my mouth before replying. "You know, I was just thinking to myself how few truly good monarchs exist on my world. I'd been counting you as a fine example of a benevolent monarch, but I'm reconsidering."

Celestia laughed, rolling her eyes. "Oh my! Has my diabolical plan been discovered?"

I snorted, "Not subtle. You should be ashamed."

"You're just upset because you've been outmaneuvered," Celestia said, one long wing reaching out to prod me on the forehead. I tilted my head back and mock-snapped at her, smirking despite myself. Celestia pulled her long primaries away from me, giggling.

"All right. You've beaten me on this one. I mean, I didn't expect you to throw around your royal muscle and reorganize my living arrangement just so you could hit me with your sunbeams at butt-'o-clock in the morning," I said, reaching for a cup and pouring some tea for myself. It wasn't coffee, but it would have to do. Maybe I could get Sapphire Spirit to escort me to Doughnut Joe's for some coffee, later. God, I loved that place. Canterlot was obsessed with tea, but give me a cup of coffee any day.

Celestia smiled, sitting up and pressing one hoof to her chest primly. "Many an opponent has underestimated me because I am a pretty pony princess. They do so at their peril."

I rolled my eyes. "I think they underestimate you because you're an old lady, and nobody expects grandma to be capable of such treachery."

Celestia scoffed, casting me a mock-hurt pout. "A-are you saying... I am ugly? An... old nag?"

Her big, rose-colored eyes watered, her lower lip protruded in a pout, and her ears lay flat. I felt like I'd kicked a puppy. A big, white, treacherous puppy. I reached out and put a hand on her cheek, patting it condescendingly. "Nice try, Princess, but I have younger family members. I know crocodile tears when I see 'em." Even as I said it, I felt a twinge of real hurt. Just when I'd thought I was getting better, getting over the homesick feeling, I'd say something and I'd remember a new aspect of my life that I missed. I forced my grin a little bit wider, gritting my teeth.

Celestia started to laugh, but caught the pain that suddenly hit my face, and stopped. She nodded, suddenly serious. I shook my head, breathing in slowly. "Never mind. What's on the agenda for today?"

Celestia looked towards Raven, who was looking at me with concern. The two mares shared a look, and I felt a surge of gratitude towards both of them. They did have plans, obviously, but they were considering moving the schedule around to give me time to talk or vent. I held up a hand before either of them could start to lie about how the morning was open, "Don't. I'm okay. I'd like to do some work. Not working just makes it worse, if anything. If I'm busy, I can work through things while keeping occupied. I prefer it that way."

Celestia smiled at me, and nodded to Raven. Raven shrugged, "Okay, well... we've got another twenty minutes or so for breakfast, but eat light. We're having a luncheon with some Canterlot ponies a bit before noon. A bunch of movers and shakers. A lot of them are hoping for some one-on-one time with you, Princess, probably to push project proposals or get your thoughts on some political initiative or other."

I sighed. "Cool. Lunch with the brown-nosed nobility. That's my second-favourite activity, next to taking a bullet to the face."

Celestia grimaced. "So gruesome, Jake. Must you?"

I chuckled, "Hey, I've gotta get my shots in somehow. After this, we're gonna be all yes-your-majesty, no-your-majesty, five-by-five-your-majesty."

Celestia smirked, "I know this isn't your favorite part, but I'm not the only attraction at this luncheon, this time."

I raised an eyebrow, looking between Celestia and Raven. Raven nodded at me. "We also let slip that you would be in attendance. We... nearly doubled the number of petitioners. I have a feeling that a lot of them are going to be there simply because they're going to try to ascertain where you rank on the social ladder."

I stared at Raven, before cursing loudly. "Are you fuckin' kidding me? I don't have a rank on the social ladder. I don't want to be on the social ladder at all! I purposefully avoided the social ladder back home, for christssakes!"

Raven held up a hoof in a mollifying gesture, frowning at my outburst, "Jake, you've been an unknown element for too long. Celestia and I discussed this, and we agreed that this would be an opportunity for you to branch out of your comfort zone and make some connections."

I shook my head, crossing my arms over my chest. "There's totally no way in hell that you could ever convince me to go to this stupid luncheon now."

Princess Celestia cocked her head, a slow smile spreading across her face. "Absolutely no way...?"

I eyed her, frowning. "What? What's that expression supposed to mean?"

I sat at Princess Celestia's left hoof, wearing a tailored tuxedo, my hair slicked back and shining. We were seated at the head of the ballroom at a long table made to seat the Princess and her retinue, and round tables filled the rest of the space. All around us were seated dozens and dozens of well-dressed ponies; the upper crust of Canterlot society, the "movers and shakers". Raven sat at Princess Celestia's right hoof, wearing her collar and cravat, her hair impeccably done up in her signature large bun. I leaned over, eyeing Princess Celestia, and muttered quietly, "So. I gotta talk to these ponies, and you move me to a room in the west wing? With... west-facing windows?"

Celestia nodded, giving a smile to the ponies who were chattering away around us. The setting was some sort of high tea, with lots of little treats and snacks being wheeled around by castle staff, and beautiful tea sets filling each table. I shifted uncomfortably, pulling on my shirt collar. They castle tailors had done their best, but I was a bit of a unique specimen, and they hadn't had much time to get a tuxedo together for me. The result was less-than-stellar, but looked passable. The food, at least, looked incredible, and good food was something I could get behind. I wistfully stared around the tables, hoping to spot the familiar dark brew and rich aroma of coffee, but with no luck. Disappointed, I snagged a tiny sandwich as a snack cart was pushed by and gave it an experimental bite. Cucumber and cream cheese? I scowled, and desperately wished for turkey and swiss... not that that was happening here. The ponies had done an admirable job of accommodating some of my more carnivorous needs, as the castle was used to dealing with dignitaries with different diets from the ponies, but the staff that served me dishes with meat always looked a little green around the gills. I'd done them a favor and always dismissed them before digging in. It was the least I could do. I sighed, and muttered, "My kingdom for a pastrami on rye and a cuppa joe."

Celestia caught the remark and raised an eyebrow, before noting the cucumber sandwich on my plate. She chuckled, and gestured towards a cart filled with desserts. A pony approached quickly, pushing a cart laden down with small squares of a dozen different types of cakes. I looked over the desserts and spotted a coffee cake, and snagged it, biting into it bitterly. This, I feared, was as close as I would get to my beloved bean water today. Celestia helped herself to two pieces of cake, and I smirked at her. Celestia was... well, "human" was the wrong word, but it fit. I'd noticed that she ate more when she was nervous, though I had no idea why she'd be nervous. She thrived in social settings. Her eyes darted towards me, and it struck me that she wasn't nervous for herself. She was nervous for me.

Celestia finished her cake and took a sip of tea, before standing and raising her voice. The ballroom went silent as she spoke, all eyes on her. "Friends, thank you very much for attending this luncheon with us. I know that many of you would like a chance to speak with us, so while tea is being served, please feel free to come up and visit. We don't bite," she said with a confident laugh, eliciting chuckles of approval from the crowd. With her piece said, she sat back down.

I raised an eyebrow at her, and leaned in once more. "Really? Using the royal 'we'? Isn't that way out of date?"

Celestia's smile grew a bit wider, and she murmured back, "Oh, I wasn't. I was speaking for both of us."

My eyes widened, and I glanced over as two noble ponies approached, one taking a seat across from Celestia and the other seating himself across from me. I gave Celestia a dirty look, not even bothering to hide it, and leaned back in my chair a bit, sizing up the pony seated across from me. He was a white unicorn, with a blue mane that was parted in the middle and a monocle perched over one eye, and he wore an expensive looking coat and vest. He smiled at me confidently, and offered a hoof. "Greetings, old chap! I am Sir Fancy Pants."

I couldn't help it. I laughed. I'd planned on playing things a little more standoffish, but this pony's name was Fancy Pants. I tried to recover, coughing into my fist, and Fancy Pants's smile became a bit of a smirk. "You are new to Equestria, if pony naming conventions still give you such amusement. Fascinating! Where are you from, sir...?"

I managed to pull myself together, and I took the still-outstretched hoof, shaking it. "Jake. Just Jake. And don't call me sir, I work for a living."

Fancy Pants' brow raised a fraction. "Just Jake? That is a remarkably pony-like name, for a...?"

I decided not to fall into his leading questions. I could play nicey nice, but I liked being the mysterious guest of Princess Celestia. "Sorry, Mister Pants, but Jake is my name. No last name."

Fancy Pants cast me a wink, and I immediately knew that he'd been messing with me. "Not to worry, old bean! I was simply giving you a hard time for your little chuckle about my name earlier. I believe we are now even?"

Okay. I hadn't expected to actually meet anybody I liked. I gave him a nod. "Absolutely, Mister Pants."

"And if I am not calling you 'sir', I'll have to insist you call me Fancy Pants. Mister Pants makes me sound so old!"

"Sure, sure," I said, smirking, "So, Fancy Pants, what brings you to tea with the Princess?"

Fancy Pants explained, picking up a cake from a passing cart as he talked, "I actually came to ask Princess Celestia about getting funding for a community project."

"So... you came and talked to me instead?" I asked.

Fancy Pants shrugged, taking a small bite of cake. "What can I say? I'm a fan of mystery, and judging by the way you've avoided answering any questions about yourself or your origins, I think you are as well."

I smirked. "You got me. I'm having fun playing mysterious visitor from a far-off land."

Fancy Pants chuckled and raised his plate of cake to me in salute. "Indeed! Well, I wouldn't want to ruin your fun, and if I'm going to get a chance to speak with Celestia, I'm afraid I'll need to cut our conversation short. Do forgive me, Jake?"

I offered my hand across the table to Fancy Pants. "Already forgiven, Fancy Pants."

Fancy Pants shook my outstretched hand, and offered me a business card in a glow of blue magic as he stood up. I raised an eyebrow at the gesture, but took it, giving him a nod. As Fancy Pants returned to his table, Raven's voice was suddenly in my ear, a quiet whisper. "Put his card on the table in front of you."

I jerked in my seat and whipped my head around, almost nose-to-muzzle with Raven. She nodded to the card. "Fancy Pants is very influential. If he gave you his business card, he's telling everypony here that you've impressed him. By leaving it out on the table, you're showing everypony that you appreciate his interest. If you put it away, it's like saying that you don't want to be associated with him."

I nodded and set the business card out on the table in front of me, next to my tea cup. Raven smiled and returned to her seat beside Princess Celestia. It only took a moment for another pony to fill the seat across from me. She was a light orange mare with a green mane, wearing a poofy dress. She smiled at me. I decided to humor her and smiled back. Maybe these nobles weren't so bad.

"So, I hear you eat meat?" she asked, fanning herself with one hoof and looking somewhere between fascinated and horrified.

I suppressed a groan.

I tried not to let my head hit the table, knowing it would be incredibly bad manners, but I was about fed up. For the last thirty minutes, I'd been inundated with inane questions from boring ponies who were obviously more curious about Fancy Pants' business card sitting before me. A few had offered me their own cards, and I had summarily tucked them away in my jacket pocket. As the latest boorish noblepony trotted away, and the latest card found its home inside my pocket, Celestia leaned over to me. "Jake, come now. You can't be disagreeable the whole time."

"You underestimate my ability to be disagreeable. I haven't yet begun to be disagreeable! I can do disagreeable, but you might have to call in a few guards to get me to stop being disagreeable," I said, as the word 'disagreeable' began to lose all meaning. Maybe I was losing it a bit, but I was pretty sure I'd rather get thrown around by some Royal Guards than take on one more dumb noble with delusions of self-importance.

Celestia frowned, considering my state, and her eyes cast across the room. Finally, she seemed to decide something, and smiled. "Fine. You can go."

I nearly hugged the Princess, but I restrained myself. As I stood up, she held up a hoof. "But."

Ah, and the other shoe dropped. "But?"

"You can go after you visit the mare at the back table. She is a white unicorn, wearing a sun hat with a rose in it."

I looked across the ballroom, grimacing, and spotted the unicorn in question. She was seated at one of the furthest tables from the front, and she was conspicuously set apart. There were seats open to her left and right, and the nobles at her table had clustered together near the next table over, chatting and ignoring her. I glanced at Celestia and frowned. "I talk to her, and then I can go and, say, get some coffee?"

"Yes," she said simply, before turning to greet her next noble visitor. I noted that Celestia had four or five business cards lying on the table in front of her.

I squared my shoulders, determined to get this over with as quickly as possible, and walked across the room. I could hear the ballroom grow a bit quieter, and could feel the eyes of the noble ponies on me as I walked towards the table. I resisted the urge to glance over my shoulder and kept my cool, despite the sweat that I could feel breaking out on the back of my neck. I'd never cared much for scrutiny.

The white unicorn at the back table watched me with interest, and quickly realized that I was approaching her. She glanced around and one gloved hoof reached up, touching the curl of her royal purple mane and checking to see that it was in place. She was tastefully underdressed, wearing a simple white sun dress, beige gloves, and a string of pearls around her neck. I focused on her eyes, which were wide and a deep blue color, accented with blue eye shadow. Her eyes were strikingly beautiful. I reached up to my jacket's breast pocket and found the handkerchief tucked there, and used it to dab at my forehead before tucking it away. I reached the back table and mustered a smile that I hoped was something relaxed, but knew probably looked strained. "May I join you?"

The mare blinked, almost startled, but recovered and smiled a graceful, practiced smile with an ease that I wished I possessed. "Of course! Please, do sit down."

I suppressed a sigh of relief and I sat down next to her, shifting my chair slightly so I could face her. She reached down and took a sip of tea, using the motion to subtly run an eye over me. One manicured eyebrow arched ever so slightly, and I realized that she was also waiting on me to say something. I recovered quickly. "Thank you. What's your name, miss?"

She smiled and set the teacup down, before offering a hoof. "Miss Rarity. And you are Jake, yes?"

"I see my, ah, reputation precedes me?" I took the dainty hoof and tried my best to recall the bit of courtly instruction Raven had tried to impart upon me. My brain defaulted to something familiar, unfortunately, and I found myself kissing the back of Rarity's gloved hoof.

Rarity looked surprised by the courtly kiss, and some color found its way to her cheeks, but she recovered quickly and nodded. "Oh, yes. I have heard quite a bit about you, darling."

I realized I was still holding her outstretched hoof, and I let it go, returning my hands to my lap quickly. I needed to get a grip, and fast, otherwise I'd end up looking like an idiot... not that it was far from the truth, but nobody needed to know that! I was Celestia's mysterious guest! I fumbled for something suave to say, but what escaped my mouth was a tad on the side of cheesy. "Only good things, I hope?"

Rarity giggled, smiling. "Only intriguing things, I'm afraid."

"Oh. Well, then," I said, chuckling, "I guess you have me at a disadvantage, Miss Rarity."

Rarity nodded, considering my words briefly before responding. "Hmm. Perhaps I do, Mister Jake. How shall we amend this disparity?"

I smirked, deciding to be a bit playful. "Tell me a secret, and all will be forgiven," I said, winking.

I'd meant it as a joke, but Rarity glanced around, before gesturing me to lean closer with a wave of her hoof. I held up a hand, "Oh, no, I was—"

Rarity smirked, "No, really, I insist." The nobles nearby were practically leaning in at this point, their conversations mostly forgotten. They'd been eavesdropping before, but the pretense was gone, now.

I leaned in, and Rarity placed one hoof on my shoulder, bringing herself close. She whispered, her voice so quiet I could barely hear it, "I am bored out of my mind and I hate the pretense of this whole affair."

I leaned away from her as she settled back into her seat, grinning at me with a wicked grin, and I found myself grinning too. "Well then," I ventured, "that certainly is something I can appreciate."

"I thought you might," Rarity said with a soft laugh, before taking another sip of tea.

I decided that I'd found another pony I could appreciate among the crowd of nobles. I cast a long look over the room, my eyes landing on the group of silent nobles staring at Rarity and I, and I shot them a glare. They all jumped as one, and turned away hurriedly and made small talk about the weather, turning their backs to us. I looked back to Rarity, smirking, but I saw something in her eyes as she looked at the nobles with their backs to us. Longing? It was there and gone in a flash, her blue eyes finding my own. "So, what brings you to tea with the Princess?" I asked, trying to hold up my end of the conversation.

"I actually came to see you," she admitted, glancing down into her tea cup.

"Oh? Interested in the mysterious gentleman living in the castle?" I asked.

"Somewhat," she said, looking back up into my eyes. "I was curious, I will admit. You are an oddity, somepony new, and Celestia has kept you close ever since you arrived... but I already know why."

I raised an eyebrow. "You already know why?"

"Yes. My friend, Princess Twilight Sparkle, is one of the ponies working on your... how shall we put it? Displacement?" Rarity said.

Ah. That explained it. I'd met Princess Twilight several times, and she'd been a curious character. Obviously newly appointed as a Princess, and a bit more bookish than worldly. She'd been a chatterbox, speaking mostly in magical theory that I barely grasped, but at the time I was just happy to have somebody speaking with me. "So, the mystery is revealed. I'm pleased to say that you've got a leg up on the rest of these snooty nobles."

Rarity giggled, "Well, yes, but it wouldn't do to simply spill your secrets to gain favor with the elite. No, that's such a... low thing to do. Using another pony's misfortune to bring yourself higher? I'd rather..." she searched for an appropriate metaphor, "... rather go naked to the Grand Galloping Gala."

I squinted at her. "Aren't you ponies mostly naked all the time, anyway?"

Rarity smirked, blushing slightly. "It's the context that counts, darling."

I nodded, "Sure, that makes sense. So, then, if you're not here to climb the social ladder, why stick around?"

"Well, I'd heard that you'd been having a patch of rough days from Twilight... I hope I'm not being too personal?" she asked, looking at me earnestly.

"No," I said, after a moment, "no, it's okay. I'm still working on it."

Rarity leaned over and rested one hoof gently on my knee, a supportive gesture. "Well, I know what it feels like to feel out of place. It is something I struggle with, here in Canterlot."

I remembered how Rarity had been seated alone, and the gaggle of nobles with their backs to her. I glanced over my shoulder at the nearby nobles, who were wrapped up in some banal discussion about somepony's mane style, and then back to Rarity. "Miss Rarity, if you don't mind my saying so, you seem more suited to Canterlot than the majority of these snooty ponies."

Rarity giggled, "That's awfully kind of you to say, Mister Jake—"

"Just Jake, please," I interjected.

"—Jake, then. You are awfully kind, but the difference between myself and the peerage is a question not of values, but of blood and birth."

I rolled my eyes. "That sounds like some hoity-toity bullshit."

Rarity looks briefly taken aback by my harsh words, and then grinned wickedly. "Ah, I see you've met Mister Hoity-Toity."

My eyes widened, and I snorted a laugh, one hand going to my mouth to try and cover my outburst. I finally managed to murmur, "Your pony names are too great."

Rarity laughed, leaning back into her chair, relaxing a bit. "I must say, Jake, you are a refreshingly direct gentleman."

I grinned at her. "And you are a pleasant surprise after this crowd, Miss Rarity."

She tisked and shook her head. "No, no. Simply Rarity. No Miss. If I can call you by your first name, then you are more than welcome to drop the pretense of any title, or lack thereof."

I laughed. "If anybody deserves to have a title, Lady Rarity, it is you."

Rarity gave me a gentle and good-natured shove on the shoulder with one hoof, blushing. "Flatterer!"

"Guilty as charged," I replied, looking across the room to Princess Celestia. She was smiling at me. I gave her a nod.

Rarity followed my gaze, and then eyed me. "Princess Celestia put you up to this, didn't she?"

"What?" I turned to look back at her. She didn't look upset, merely curious. I considered my answer for a moment, before I spoke. "I... was about to leave. I was getting irritated, and Celestia convinced me to go and talk to you, and if I did, I could go."

Rarity laughed, beaming across the ballroom at Princess Celestia. "She is a meddler."

I chuckled, "You have no idea."

"Oh, trust me, I do," Rarity said, smiling at me, "I've spent the last few years around Twilight Sparkle, you see, so I know a thing or two about our dear monarchs. She is a sly one, that Celestia."

I grin, in familiar territory. "Do you know how she convinced me to come to this stupid luncheon?"

Rarity leaned in, eyes wide and ears forward. I grinned. "She bribed me with a west-facing room, so she couldn't wake me up early in the morning with her damn sunlight streaming into my face!"

Rarity laughed, a very genuine laugh with her head thrown back and her sides shaking with mirth, and I laughed too. We composed ourselves, giggling. The whole ballroom was silent, all eyes on us, but I did not care. I stood up, suddenly, and offered an elbow to Rarity. "Lady Rarity, I think we should go and continue this conversation somewhere else."

Rarity grinned, standing up, and waggled her eyebrows at me saucily. "Your place, or mine?"

"As long as your place is Doughnut Joe's, because that's where my place is," I replied, winking at her innuendo.

Rarity beamed, delighted. "Oh! I love Doughnut Joe's! Such charming decor, and the coffee is to die for!"

My eyes widened. "You like coffee?"

"Celestia, yes. I couldn't work late nights in the boutique without the stuff," Rarity said.

I grin. "Okay, stop. You're too perfect."

"Really, darling!" Rarity said, taking my elbow. It was a tad awkward, due to the height difference, but she balanced on the tips of her hooves and managed to make it look graceful, "And while we're there, we must discuss the tailoring on your suit. Please, please tell me it was a rush job!"

"It was a rush job," I replied automatically.

She rolled her eyes exaggeratedly. "Thank goodness. If you thought I hadn't noticed how uncomfortable you are, think again. After coffee, you will be accompanying me to my boutique here in Canterlot, and I will be retailoring your clothes."

I just don't know how I'd lost control of the situation, but I decided to roll with it. "Of course, Lady Rarity."

And the two of us strolled from the ballroom.

Author's Note

The sequel to this story is now available.