The Morning After The Pie Fight
The air was slightly cool as the sun rose over the brick and concrete buildings of downtown Canterville, as best as it could through the pockets of clouds, casting long but rapidly diminishing shadows over the streets. The grass and soon-to-bud flowers of early Spring were coated with a tiny layer of dew destined to evaporate within an hour or so. Soon enough, the streets would be clogged with cars and the cracked sidewalks with people on their way to somewhere, hoping to not trip amidst the crowd.
About an hour before first light, the city’s bus system had started its daily routine for the benefit of early-shift labourers. Things had long since settled into a predictable rhythm. Today, however, the few dozen blue-collar workers looked askance at the new passenger joining them. Several men, beer-gutted with permanent five-o-clock shadows, were tempted to make passes and lewd comments at this noticeably busty yellow-skinned teenage girl with waist-length pink hair, obviously less than half their age – young enough to be daughter of any one of them – but the frumpy women on the bus, used to such treatment over many decades, saw the young girl’s visible discomfort despite her silence and, without a word uttered aloud, forced the men into an agreement that no one would bother her. Dishonouring that meant a fight.
The young girl pulled the stop request cord shortly before the bus arrived at the 7th and Harmony Street stop. As the bus slowed and the girl made her way to the door, trying her best to ignore the several men ogling her like a piece of meat (something she had regretfully come to expect since that growth spurt nearly three years ago), the driver – a grizzled middle-aged lump with perpetual stubble wearing the standard issue blue uniform and probably would have had a cigar had they not been banned on public transport decades ago – turned to face her.
“You sure ya wanna get off here?” he asked in a gruff but concerned voice. “This ain’t exactly the best part of town.”
The girl, one hand tugging at her light pink jacket and the other keeping a tight grip on her small pastel purse, briefly made eye contact for a split second, then immediately resumed looking at her feet as she nodded silently. With that, the driver opened the door and she stepped off.
After watching the bus drive away, the girl looked around. She was in the middle of the city at a time most folks would just be waking up. The sidewalks at this hour were practically devoid of people, which was absolutely fine by her.
Absentmindedly, the girl ran her right hand through her long pink hair by her ear… and found food. Specifically, it was a remnant of pie. She sighed wistfully, realizing that even a thorough shower had not been quite enough to erase the insanity of the previous evening.
She made her way two blocks north, which also happened to be two blocks farther from her school which was not meeting due to the faculty setting an in-service day – the reason she and her friends had chosen the previous night for a shindig. Along the way, the girl passed a few office buildings and former office buildings and hotels turned condominium, as well as a religious edifice clearly older than anything else around it. Walking over the occasional heating grate, she basked in their warmth, then immediately shivered upon leaving their balm. The thin pastel pink jacket she wore clearly not enough for this morning.
Finally, she reached her destination: a five-storey brick building built early in the previous century taking up half of one of downtown’s squarish blocks (the other half was a two-tier parking garage, separated from the building by an alley used mostly by delivery trucks). Much of its ground floor was taken up by small businesses, most of which had yet to open for the day, the convenience store on the closer corner being the exception. The middle of the building’s façade contained an uncharacteristically ornate recessed arch leading to a set of large double doors – the main entrance to the apartments on the upper floors.
She looked up at the top floor of the building, to the leftmost pair of windows. Much to her surprise, the lights were on. She took this as her cue to enter.
Inside, she saw the dozens of mailboxes along the left wall. Immediately in front of her, the elevator and a staircase. She pressed the up button on the elevator, but the pained grinding creaking sound convinced her she might be better off taking the stairs yet again. She did so slowly, as she had long since learned the hard way how painful bouncing around without a good sports bra could be.
Four flights later, slightly winded, the girl turned to her right, walking past peeling wallpaper, dim orange lights, and nearly a dozen identical dark brown doors, until arriving at the last door on the left. She attempted to knock on it, but all that came out was a series of light taps that no reasonable person could hear. She tried again, marginally louder, but received no answer. Finally, she steeled her guts as best she could and tried the doorknob – she knew the tenant had a habit of not locking the door sometimes. Luckily, it opened, and she entered.
“Um, Sunset? I-it’s, um, Fluttershy,” she said, eyes on her feet. “I, uh, hope you don’t mind that I’m here early, but you left your cellphone at the party last night, so I thought I’d…”
As she looked up, she saw something that made her momentarily lose the ability to speak.
Sunset Shimmer stood on her navy blue sofa, clad in nothing but a white bra and panty set, arms extended toward the ceiling, an empty mason jar in her left hand and its top in her right.
After staring in disbelief for a moment, Fluttershy attempted to gather her thoughts. “Uh, Sunset? Are you… okay?”
Slowly, trying to move as little of her body as possible, Sunset Shimmer turned her head slightly to face her friend. Thanks to the uncharacteristic brightness of the room, Fluttershy could tell Sunset’s eyes were quite bloodshot.
“Fluttershy. Hey. Yeah. Doing just great. Thanks,” Sunset said with an unusually blithe tone.
“You don’t look like you’re doing okay,” said Fluttershy, reaching out her arm to Sunset but thinking better of it.
“No, no. Everything is good. Or at least it will be once I get this… friggin’ arthropod into my jar~” Sunset said as she turned back to face whatever it was that had caught her attention.
Suddenly, Sunset moved with all the dexterity of a panda, combining the two parts of the jar and, after losing her balance, landing on her back on the sofa, which was soft enough to break her fall. Fluttershy approached her and saw the sofa was also soft enough to not break the jar, which now contained a large brown spider with light-coloured stripes. She inferred from her studies that the captive was most likely a nursery web spider: scary-looking but ultimately harmless. Sunset gazed at the trapped arachnid and let her mouth form a wide smile that seemed at odds with her half-lidded eyes.
“Now I got you~” Sunset cooed at the spider as she made sure the jar was screwed shut. “Not getting away this time~”
Fluttershy gave Sunset a look that could best be described as a cross between quizzical and worried. “Uh, Sunset? What do you plan to do with Miss Spider?” she asked.
Sunset gave, or at least attempted to give, Fluttershy a look implying she had just asked the dumbest question of the day.
“Isn’t it obvious?” asked Sunset, her tone indicating it was. “I’m going to draw out its ichor, its essence, and use it.”
Of all the answers Fluttershy expected to hear, this wasn’t it. “W-what?!”
“Yeah~” drawled Sunset. “You see, I l—”
Sunset suddenly stopped speaking and glared at the trapped arachnid. “What? Naw, man! For the last time, I’m not eating Fluttershy. Not while I have use for her, anyway. ‘Sides, why would I? She’s just too damn sweet, man. Plus you’d be surprised how fast she can run when she’s scared. Ya dig?”
Fluttershy faked a smile as nervous sweatdrops formed on her forehead. “Eh heh…”
“Sorry about that, Fluttershy,” Sunset said. “Where was I? Oh yeah. Spider (he is our hero, heh-heh). You see, I discovered last night that spider pheromones have, like, special healing properties. If I tap this mamma-jamma for all it’s worth, and stick its juices into my brain…”
“W-with what?” Fluttershy wondered aloud, concern rapidly building in her voice.
Sunset moved toward her tiny kitchen, almost as if floating through a dream, reached into one of her drawers, and pulled out a syringe still wrapped in plastic.
“Sunset, where did you get that??” Fluttershy asked, panic rising.
Sunset chuckled. “This? Oh, needle exchange place down the block for the druggies – this is the ghetto part of town after all. Wasn’t hard to bum a clean one off the nurse lady things.”
“But what do you expect to happen if you inject spider into your brain?” asked Fluttershy in disbelief at the words coming out of both their mouths.
“Like I said,” Sunset replied as she moved back to the sofa in a roundabout path, leaving the jar of spider on her counter, and flopped down contentedly, “As you lay prostrate before me…”
Fluttershy looked around in disbelief once she realized she was not at all the prostrate one in the conversation.
Sunset continued. “Spider pheromones have special properties. If my hypothesis is correct, then the mixing of the pheromones with my own neurotransmitters should act as a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor and fix my fucked up brain. Forever. And then I will be normal like everyone wants and everything will be happiness and sunshine. Whee.” She finished with a tired chuckle.
Fluttershy said nothing, but pulled out her own cellphone and immediately queued up one of the numbers she had on speed-dial. She bit her bottom lip nervously as she waited for her target to pick up, which eventually happened on the third ring.
“Rarity? It’s me,” Fluttershy said, uncharacteristically bluntly. “I-I’m at Sunset’s apartment. I think you need to come over here right now. There’s something… off about her.” She cocked her head. “…Hm? Yes, she’s out of bed. No, she isn’t holding a knife. …B-but I still think you should… Busy with what? What could you be doing right now that…?”
Fluttershy went silent as whatever she heard caused her cheeks to flush a deep rose. “Oh… my… You’re so bold. D-do you really think a glamour shoot will…? Well, you know her better than… I-I’m sure she’ll love them. …N-no thanks I’ve heard enough sorry gotta go!” she sputtered as she hung up.
Left without her first resort, Fluttershy looked to the table. On it was the television listings from the local newspaper, The Canterville Courier. A red pen had been used to mark a particular entry: a local public channel had shown an all-night B-movie marathon, including a flick entitled Queen of the Spiders. Currently, the television showed only colour bars.
“Sunset,” Fluttershy asked, “Um, how much sleep have you had?”
Sunset Shimmer lolled her head to face her friend, an exhausted but still wild grin on her face. “Oh, judging by the trajectory of the moon, the sun, the stars, intersecting with the little specks of dust floating around this apartment,” she lazily waved her right arm, “I would say approximately… none. Why?”
“D-do you realize you’re wearing nothing but your underwear?”
Sunset looked down at herself, confused. “Well, yeah. I was covered in pie because you all threw pies at me. Kinda had to strip, and I was way too damn exhausted to bother changing into my PJ’s, which are dirty anyway. Then I realized that, when you get right down to it, I’m a pony. We don’t normally wear clothes. It’s a bad idea to totally abandon my roots, y’know? So I took that nice bouquet of flowers you gave me… and ate it.”
Fluttershy blinked. “Uh, you do know most of those flowers aren’t meant to be eaten, right? Especially the jimsonweed.”
Sunset ignored Fluttershy but beckoned her closer. “Do you see these things?” she indicated her breasts, barely held in by the white brassiere as she used her hands to jiggle them. “They’re so big. Ponies don’t have breasts. We have teats. And we’ve evolved as a society to use shit like baby bottles just like you humanoids. Weird, huh? No pony ever compares teat size; that’s just stupid. Hips, on the other hoof, oh yeah that’s a thing. Back in Equestria, I wasn’t anything special in the looks department no matter how I carried myself. Not like my old roommate, who was a friggin’ princess. I’m better looking than Twilight but that’s not hard to pull off. Imagine what it’s like coming to this place as a teenager and having people tell me for the first time I’m pretty. You dig?”
Her face a sad frown, Fluttershy nodded. “Mm-hmm.”
Sunset’s glassed-over eyes attempted to focus on her friend as she felt a desire to empathize. “Oh, yeah. Yours are even bigger than mine. You probably have perverts always after you. Bummer. Must suck.”
“It does,” said Fluttershy, sounding like she was about to cry.
Sunset nodded. “Well it’s good you’ve got me around, then. Once I become the Spider Queen after its ichor has melted my brain, I can use my magic spider powers to protect my friends. Or try to take over the world again. I forget which one I was going for.”
“Um,” Fluttershy wondered aloud, “How did you get this idea?”
“Well,” Sunset said flightily, “After I ate the flowers I felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders, then smushed down into a tinier ball than it already is and thrown into my trash can, but it bounced off the rim and landed on the floor and shattered a tiny hole in space-time. And through that hole came an iridescent slick black tentacle. It threw a pie at me. But the pie was antimatter so it dissipated once it came into contact with the world. Threat eliminated, I decided to watch some movies. Not much else I could do that late at night with only an aerial. During Queen Of The Spiders, what else should appear on the wall but an actual spider here in my apartment. I knew it had to be a sign from the Great Worm Spirit that the movie was actually secretly a documentary by the underground government telling me how to… my brain, but it’s been a bastard to catch, always taunting me… until now~.”
Sunset chuckled again as she shifted position on the couch, then adopted a puzzled expression as she looked at her right hand.
“Fuckin’ fingers, man,” Sunset said. “Only sapient beings with these back in Equestria are Minotaurs and Gryphons. Can you imagine what it’d be like to step through a portal and find your whole body morphed? I tell ya what, fingers took some getting used to, but I learned a lot about myself that first month.” Her half-lidded face grinned as wide as possible. Fluttershy blushed so deeply she resembled a pink-haired turnip.
“Sunset,” Fluttershy said with slight assertiveness. “You know, I know a lot about animals.”
In response, Sunset smiled. “Hell yeah you do. You’re like the… whisper… thing.”
Fluttershy nodded. “And I know a few things about entomology (or in this case, more correctly, arachnology). I can, uh, take Miss Spider here and, um, gather its ‘ichor’ for you and, er, use the… lab to synthesize up something that you can use. Does that sound okay?”
Sunset tilted her head backward to look at the jar several feet away. “Heh. You’re upside down. But you’re a spider. Do you even gravity? How do you keep the blood from, like, rushing to your head and messing you up, man? Oh, Fluttershy, you’re upside down too. Sweet. Wait, what?”
Fluttershy had taken the jar of spider and was heading to the door, but stopped at Sunset’s cable-spool table.
“Oh. Sorry, Fluttershy,” Sunset slurred. “Uh… Yeah man. Right now I’m so fuckin’ wasted I may stick my hand with that needle. While that would be a trip, I kinda don’t wanna do that. Might cost me my title as Spider Queen. The minions turn on the Queen once they see the power of Jeebus. Or Humanman, whatever. Something with mammalian appendages. Kinda didn’t watch the end of the film. Fingers and hands are so~… neat. Eh, knock yourself out. But not really ‘cause then I’d have to hide your body and I don’t feel like it right now. Sleepy.”
“Thank you,” Fluttershy said, relieved that Sunset at least seemed willing to listen to reason. “I-I’m leaving your cellphone right here, on this table.”
But her words reached deaf ears. Sunset Shimmer had finally passed out. Her breathing was soft but regular, her bloodshot eyes now closed for however long. Fluttershy briefly wondered if she should remove Sunset’s bra, knowing from personal experience how painful sleeping in one could be, but decided against it six milliseconds later. That would be more of a Rarity duty, she concluded.
“Come on, Miss Nursery Spider,” Fluttershy said to the jar. “Let’s get you outside before Sunset wakes up. I wonder if she’ll remember any of this? Hopefully not.”
Fluttershy gingerly placed the jar in her purse and, after making sure she still had her own cellphone, turned off the television and exited Sunset’s apartment, making sure to lock at least the main knob even if she could do nothing else. The thing that would best help Sunset was rest, and then a lot of water once she woke up.
She took out her cellphone and called Rarity again. Getting no answer, she stammered out a voicemail message asking her to come check on Sunset as soon as possible, and also to please find her a ride home because riding the city bus was scary. Once she ended the call, Fluttershy opened the main door of the building, unscrewed the jar, and let the spider out.
“You’re free now, Miss Spider. I think you’re better off out here than becoming part of a science experiment, yes?”
Her tasks complete, she sat down in the dingy, minimalist lobby of Sunset’s apartment building and waited.
Author's Note
Confused? So am I. Therefore, please Read Me.
Sunset Shimmer: Infernal Queen of the Spiders, stood on the raised platform on one edge of Connemara Square, the traditional peoples’ space with a grand fountain in its centre and flanked on all four sides by grand public buildings, carrying in herself the utmost confidence. She had ditched her usual street clothes for a revealing – in both cleavage and leg – fire-patterned dress not unlike the one she wore during her demonic transformation several months earlier. Around her, dark clouds swirled as the sky turned the colour of marmalade. The flowers, towering over her head due to the groundskeeper using an experimental plant food accelerating growth, wept as Sunset’s very essence caused their petals to shrivel down to a texture much like cellophane.
Even with the ever-darkening atmosphere, the sun itself appeared to shine out from Sunset’s eyes. She smirked as she addressed the few hundred ~~slaves~~ citizens she had had her arachnid minions gather in the square.
“Members of the Canterville elite! As you lay prostrate before your Spider Queen, know that her glorious brain is finally cured of its many curses! Plus, our mighty overlord, the Great Worm Spirit, has revealed unto us that this universe was created for me! Everything in this world exists because of me! However, I am willing to be a merciful goddess, provided you carry out my every whim! To begin with, every second Saturday will be Free Burrit—”
Before she could finish her speech, Sunset Shimmer, the Spider Queen, Demigoddess of Mental Health and Sanity, was interrupted by an awful racket, a cry emanating from the hellish depths.
“Meow!”
Sunset adopted a look of panic. “Which one of you peons brought a cat?” she demanded.
The people, still cowering in fear of their new overlord, clandestinely looked at each other, wondering who may have sealed their doom. But no one had a cat.
“Meow~!” said the cat, more insistent. The Spider Queen grabbed her head as the infernal feline refused to stifle itself.
Suddenly, the square, the platform, the dais, the people, the flowers growing so incredibly high, all rapidly melted into a puddle of purple goo as the clouds parted to reveal an infinite blackness that quickly swallowed everything. Sunset had no time to react as she found herself hurtled into a cylindrical tunnel, the friction with the driving wind ripping off her dress. At the end of the tunnel she saw a light barrelling towards her, a loud whistle making clear that the freight train was anxious to say hello.
Instead of a sudden stop, she found herself bathed in light that quickly faded to a dull brown. A great warmth enveloped her as she felt something soft linger on her cheek, followed by a sensation brushing across her forehead and a gentle pressure on her right hand.
Eventually the brown nothingness gave way to a lighter but dull eggshell colour, matching her apartment walls. Sunset Shimmer groaned as she reluctantly opened her eyes. She was laying on her couch, covered by her throw blanket.
Sunset smacked her lips a couple of times, realizing quickly her mouth was dry. As she turned her body to instinctively reach out her hand and grab the bottle of water she always kept by her bed, still too out of it to realize she was not in her bed, the blanket slipped, revealing her naked breasts.
Orange, she thought as she stared at her chest, slowly blinking in an attempt to get her brain rebooted. Bulbous.
“Meow!” yowled the alley cat from somewhere on the outdoor fire escape.
“Mn. One of these years I’m gonna figure out who owns you, you silly freeloader,” Sunset croaked to the feline. “Or just toss my boot at you.”
She rubbed her temples as she moved into a sitting position, the blanket now slipping down to her lap. “Ugh, my head hurts,” she said to no one or thing in particular. “What time is it? What the hay happened after Pinkie’s party?”
An errant air current caused her to involuntarily shiver and cover her chest. Upon feeling bare skin, she looked down at her breasts in confusion. “Why am I naked?” she asked. Upon lifting the blanket to see that she was still wearing her white panties, she corrected herself: “Mostly naked?”
As she looked around her living room for hidden cameras – a task she did at least once per fortnight, but this time with more urgency – she noticed a glass and a full pitcher of water sitting on the repurposed cable spool she called a table. Next to that was a note written on pink stationery.
Dear Sunset,
Pardon my forwardness, but I let myself in while you were asleep. At Fluttershy’s request, I have provided you a glass and some water. Please drink it. And, I used your phone to access the Free Encyclopædia article on Jimsonweed. You should probably read it while you recover. Next time you feel like reliving your equine roots, do be mindful about what you eat. Also, I removed your brassiere to keep the straps or underwires from cutting into your lovely skin. I do hope you can forgive my impropriety. Looking forward to seeing you soon, dear.
Take care, my darling.
—R
Sunset smiled as she set the note down and poured some water. “They’re too good to me,” she said before taking the first of many drinks to rehydrate herself.
Author's Note
While I was satisfied with how Spider Queen originally ended, I still felt something was missing. So I've added this little epilogue. I hope you enjoyed it.
