'May The Best Friend Win!'
Having just gotten settled in her new underground home in good ol' Ponyville, and only just managing to convince her somewhat hyperactive (understatement of all time) sister that she was more than capable of handling her own affairs regarding friendship, Maud Pie and her new chum Starlight Glimmer were just hanging out. The novelty of standing around flying kites all day had long since passed, and now the bored pair were strolling through the streets of the charming provincial town, discussing what they could do next.
"We could go to my teacher Twilight's castle for a bit..." suggested Starlight, turning to her eternally deadpan friend. "There's always something going on there, and oh... have you met Spike yet?"
"That structure is composed of a common mineral which is unworthy of further study..." Maud fired back, without even bothering to turn her head. "...And I am familiar with 'Spike'. He's a small dragon, not like the large creature that almost gobbled me up back at Ghastly Gorge. Our most recent encounter was when I helped him find a common rock under Equestria's crust with Rarity..."
"E-Er, okay. I guess we can cross that one off the list." Starlight chuckled nervously, not quite used to dealing with Maud's emotionless factual recollections yet. " Have you got any ideas, yourself? It feels like we've been walking in circles for ages..."
"Walking is good. It helps exercise the rock-crushing muscles." Maud replied, still staring dead ahead. " If you want any suggestions of activities to engage in, aside from eyeing igneous, marveling metamorphic and seeing sedimentary stones, there's nothing I can think of right now. Besides finding Pinkie again, and telling her we're ready for that 'Welcome To Ponyville' party she's been planning since my graduation..."
Almost instantly, Maud found herself with a hoof placed firmly in her mouth belonging to her sweaty companion. "N-No thanks..." Starlight stuttered, glancing around as if she felt they were being watched. "As much as I love your sister, I've seen enough of her recently to last an entire lifetime. Besides, we only just got rid of those loud cowbells..."
"Oh, okay." Maud responded flatly. "Nopony understands more than me that a little Pinkie can go a long way, so don't feel too guilty. Anyway, I've just had another idea. Would you like to hear... a joke?"
"Well, certainly!" Starlight beamed, feeling she could do with a good laugh. "It's not a 'knock knock' gag is it? I'm terrible at those..."
"Nothing so complicated..." Maud told the unicorn. " In fact, most of my jokes are based around my favourite topic. Can you guess what that is?"
"Hmm. Could it be... rocks?" Starlight rolled her eyes, her optimism for the upcoming joke being in any way funny plummeting with every second.
"Well done. I knew it was a good idea remaining here. We know each other so well already..." Maud replied in a voice which could either be interpreted as sincere or sarcastic, it was almost impossible to tell. "Anyway, on with the joke. What is Boulder's favourite ice lolly?"
"Uh, Who's Boulder again?"
"My pet rock, remember?"
"O-Oh yes. The one who 'rescued' us from that cavern, Maud."
"That's right, Starlight. Now, what's his favourite..."
"Yes, yes. I heard you first time. I'm just a little confused by the question. You mean to tell me... your pet rock eats ice lollies?!"
"No, of course not. That's part of the joke."
"Oh, I see, Maud. Ha ha ha. For a minute there, I thought you were implying..."
"He prefers ice cream, Starlight. Especially Rocky Road."
"M-Maud... what? I-I d-don't..."
"That was also a joke. I have more than one, since I do stand-up regularly. Boulder doesn't actually eat anything, because he's a mineral composite, you see. He can absorb a little bit of moisture, but that's about it."
" R-Right. Very interesting. Shall we move on?"
"No, not yet, Starlight. You haven't guessed the punchline yet."
"W-What?! Um, okay. Is it... strawberry? Raspberry? Orange?"
"Not even close. Anyway, how are any of those answers remotely funny?"
"I-I really don't know, Maud. I'm trying my best. How about..."
"Aha!! Trixies finally found you!"
All of a sudden, a midnight blue mare bedecked in a starry magician's outfit came storming over the hill, and she did not look best pleased. She gasped and wheezed while approaching the pair, almost as if she'd been running for a while. Composing herself quickly as she straightening out her hat, she regarded the two ponies in front of her with barely disguised annoyance, reserving a special glare for a completely unmoved Maud.
"I was just passing Ponyville on the first and only leg of my Grand Apology Tour..." Trixie began to relay the story of how she came to be in town without being asked to. "When I thought 'hey, my pal Starlight Glimmer lives nearby, I wonder if she'd fancy coming back to the caravan for a bit, maybe we can practice a few tricks together!' Strangely enough though, nopony had seen you all day, and even Twilight was wondering why you hadn't returned from doing your chores yet. After searching and asking for you everywhere, I finally stumbled on a cross-eyed pegasus eating a pizza who knew exactly where you were. And now that I've finally tracked you down, I discover this... treachery."
"No, I'm Maud." The aforementioned pony responded bluntly to the new arrival. " I'm Starlight's new best friend."
"What was that?" Trixie growled, shocked at the 'cheek' of this interloper. "I don't think I like your tone."
"Oh, I'm sorry." Maud apologised, before continuing. "How about this?" Those last three words there were pronounced at a noticeably higher pitch than usual.
"Right, that does it..." Trixie's snarling snout pressed against the muzzle of the unflappable Maud. "This means war! Prepare for a contest to end all contests. A grande battle royale! The winner gets to keep Starlight as her 'best friend', the loser has to skulk back into the shadows where she belongs. Are you up to the challenge?"
"Okay." If the Earth Pony was intimidated at all by Trixie's posturing, she was doing a very good job of hiding it. "I was kinda bored, anyway."
"W-Well, good. Glad we've reached an understanding." Trixie exclaimed, mollified that her challenger accepted her terms so readily. "Best two out of three wins the hoof of the fair Starlight Glimmer, and she can be the judge, too! Let's go over to the nearest empty field and set everything up, shall we?"
"Whatever."Maud replied, and without further ado she and Trixie trotted on ahead, the tension in the air so thick you could cut it with a knife... from the unicorn's side, anyway.
In the meantime, Starlight was kind of left behind in the lurch, totally nonplussed by Trixie's random appearance and the war declaration that'd just been waged between the two.
"U-Uh... I suppose I'd better join them, then."
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ROUND ONE... MAGIC.
"Let's see you beat this little doozie!" Trixie announced, scanning her surroundings for something she could use. "Aha... that useless rock you've got will do!"
"I don't think Boulder likes being called 'useless', but okay." Maud responded, holding her precious pet in one hoof.
The blue unicorn stopped momentarily in surprise. "Trixie has reached the inescapable conclusion that you're very weird..." said the completely sane mare who constantly spoke of herself in the third pony. "Whatever. Let's get this thing done."
And, with a sudden flash of light from Trixie's horn, Boulder was magically spirited away. After opening her eyes to confirm the spell had actually worked, the unicorn began dancing around in joy at her unexpected success.
"Yes! I am the greatest! I am the most powerful! As well as the most humble and penitent, of course..." she added, somewhat unconvincingly. " I knew all that transportation spell practice would pay off eventually! Top that, Ms Rock Lover!"
"I told you. My name isn't 'Treachery' or 'Ms Rock Lover', it's Maud. Most other ponies don't seem to have any difficulty in remembering it." the Earth Pony reminded her opponent. "...And I have a question: where has Boulder gone? I don't like it when he's out late, there's so many evil pebbles out there ready to lead him down a bad path."
Completely ignoring Maud's brilliant wit, Trixie stopped her jig suddenly to glance around in consternation. "E-Er that's the part of the magic I still need to work on. First of all, I need to remember what I was thinking of last, because the rock'll probably reappear there..."
The answer arrived as soon as Trixie finished speaking, with a sparkle of light in the sky about a hundred yards away, followed by a loud bang and a shrill ouch.
"... You were thinking about my new best friend, Starlight Glimmer?" Maud asked somewhat pointlessly, as by now both competitors had seen where Boulder had touched down.
"Will you stop calling her that!! La la la la la..." Trixie put her hooves in her ears and grimaced, as she made her way over to where Starlight lay dazed on the grass.
"Huh? What? Who? Why? Where?" Starlight looked as if she was aptly named, as she was seeing stars herself. She gently stroked the spot on her temple where Boulder had decided to land.
"E-Er, apologies, bestie..." Trixie helped her up, while making sure she was within earshot of Maud when she said that last word. "As you've no doubt noticed, I'm still a bit rusty when it comes to this particular magic..."
"You're disqualified from the round!" Starlight patted around her head at Boulder's point of impact, wincing as she connected with a growing lump.
"But... that's not fair!! Trixie wants a second opinion!" The unicorn magician protested most strongly on what she saw as blatantly unjust treatment.
"Well, Trixie's not going to get 'a second opinion'! I'm the only judge! And I say... you hit me with a rock, you're disqualified! Hard luck!" Starlight exclaimed, wondering what her reflection was like with now what seemed to be a second mini-horn.
"Oh, nnnooo!!" Trixie collapsed there and then, feeling utterly devastated.
"Yay." Maud said, with the kind of enthusiasm she normally reserved for a root canal.
ROUND ONE TO MAUD.
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ROUND TWO; STRENGTH.
"Oh, this'll be a cinch! All the times I've had to pull my wagon out of the mud after a rainy day, it'll be easy!" Trixie confidently predicted. " In fact, I'm so sure I'm going to beat you now, I'll let you start this time."
"Okay, thank you." Maud nodded, before looking back at her rival. "So, what do I have to do again?"
"Whatever you want..." Trixie said, supremely positive of leveling things up. "It just has to be some incredible feat of awesome physical power. What are you good at, that could be described thus?"
"I can break rocks..." Maud said matter-of-factly. " Crush them, destroy them, obliterate them..."
"Okay, okay... I didn't ask for your life story." Trixie announced, while rolling her eyes.
"Oh, I can give you that too, if you like." Maud cleared her throat, before speaking again. "Once upon a time, there was a filly born on a little rock farm. She had rather strict parents, and three sisters: One was a bit of a wallflower, another was always angry, the last was a bundle of.. "
"Geez, must you take everything so literally?!" Trixie hoofpalmed at this stage, as she gestured to a big heap of rubble nearby. "Tell you what... if you're as good as you say you are, let's see you do something about that."
"Could you be more specific?" Maud pondered seriously. "Do you want me to move it? Study it? See if there's any new friends for Boulder inside..."
"No, no, no!!" If Trixie were Pinkie, they'd be steam coming out of her ears round about now. "I want you to 'crush' it, 'destroy' it, obliter... whatever you just said!!"
"Oh, well seeing as you asked so nicely..." Maud commented, and without further ado set to her assigned task.
Smugly thinking about how she'd called the Earth Pony's bluff, Trixie watched in part fascination and part horror as in a matter of seconds the mound of rubble was reduced... to even smaller rubble. All that remained was chalky residue... and the calm, collected form of Maud Pie herself.
"Done." she announced, plainly enough.
"W-Wow..." was all Trixie could say in response, coughing a little with all the dust that lingered in the air.
"Hey, I'm the one who gives one word answers around here." Maud was trying out more stuff for her stand-up act.
"S-Shut up..." An anxious, irritated Trixie responded, knowing full well she could never hope to top that outstanding feat of brute strength.
They both turned expectantly to Starlight at the same time...
Only to find there was nopony there.
"Where could she have gotten to? She knows how important this is to us." Trixie contemplated, while scratching her head.
"I don't know..." Maud speculated. "Maybe she went to get something to eat."
Phooey! Yuck!There came a sudden noise from behind both equines.
Curious, they spun around simultaneously to see what it was, only to find a freshly appeared heap of rubble there from the remnants of the old mound...
And, at it's epicentre, one very tired, fed-up and distinctly unimpressed Starlight Glimmer, emerging from the middle of it.
"I am 'eating' something alright, the debris of the rocks you just pummeled into submission!" Starlight remarked, spitting out bits of loose stone as she dug herself out. "And let me tell you, it doesn't taste very nice at all."
"Oops, sorry..." was the best apology Maud could muster, while Trixie glanced at her smugly.
"Do I even need to say anything else?" Starlight grimaced, while attempting to pick out the smallest particles from her mane. "Maud, you're disqualified from this round. It's now one-a-piece.
"Woo hoo!" The ever-modest Trixie shouted, before jabbing her hoof at Maud repeatedly. "I win! You lose! I'm a winner! You're a loser! Hurray!!"
"Boo." Maud remarked, with as much enthusiasm as her success in the last round.
ROUND TWO: TRIXIE WINS.
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ROUND THREE: THE BIG DECIDER. FRIENDSHIP.
"Trixie's the best friend of Starlight Glimmer! Of that there can be no doubt!"
"If you say so, Trixie."
"W-What's that supposed to mean, Maud?"
"I don't know. What do you want it to mean, Trixie?"
"Oh, I get it. You're playing mind games! You just want me to let my guard down! Well, I won't! And I'm about to tell you why I deserve to be Starlight's best friend, far more than you'll ever be."
"Go ahead, I'm not stopping you."
"Well Maud, for starters we saved the world from the evil Changeling threat..."
"That doesn't sound as much fun as flying kites together, Starlight."
"W-Well, what about our day at the spa, then?"
"Fascinating, but we went down the mines."
"U-um, we chased after a teacup that thought it was a dog, Maud..."
"Sharing an ice cream at Sugarcube Corner sounds a lot more relaxing than that, Starlight."
"It does not!"
"It does to me."
"Quiet!!"
The endless bickering between the two participants came to an abrupt end courtesy of a thoroughly fed-up Starlight, who got in between the feuding pair to have her say.
"Listen to the way you're both carrying on! I didn't want to hold this stupid contest in the first place, and now it's descended to the level of a playground squabble!"
"Well, why did you agree to be the judge then? It's a little bit late to back out now..." Trixie inquired innocently.
"I did not 'agree' to be judge!! You elected me to that position yourselves before I could get a word in edgeways, and now look at me!" The aggrieved unicorn motioned down her entire frame... her bandaged head, her dirty coat, her sore ears. "The way you're both carrying on, there isn't going to be much left of me to be friends with afterwards, so before I completely lose my mind can't we just end this stupid thing now?"
"You mean, it'll be a tie?" Maud spoke in her usual monotone way.
"B-But... who gets the trophy?" Trixie asked worriedly. "The ticker tape parade? And..."
"There is no trophy! There is no ticker tape parade! And before you ask, there's no cinnamon nuts, either!!" Starlight said all this through gritted teeth, but the words were clear enough.
"Oh, nuts..." A disappointed Trixie swiftly put her hoof down.
"What there is though, is a unicorn willing to be both of your friends..." At this point Starlight staggered over to the two mares, and weakly put her hooves around the pair. "Forget about this silly 'best friend' label. I think I can learn to appreciate you both equally, and no stupid competition should decide which of you is better. The true value of friendship is how you treat others, or so Twilight taught me in our last lesson..."
Both Maud and Trixie looked at each other in earnest, before turning back to Starlight.
"Well, why didn't you tell us that in the first place, silly?" Trixie smiled, while emitting a slight laugh. "You could've saved us both a lot of trouble, and ended this silly feud much sooner."
"Isn't Twilight like, the 'Princess of Friendship', or something?" Maud pondered out loud. "I suppose, if anypony knows what they're talking about on this subject, it'll be her. Yes, let's give this 'Friendship Trio' thing a try. I'm in."
All three mares had a slight grin on their faces as they joined hooves together, to celebrate their newfound partnership of equals.
"Thanks, ladies..." Starlight nodded to her friends, before continuing. "Now, as the first act of our new friendship, could you both do me a favour?"
"Of course!" Trixie promised.
"I'll try..." Maud remarked.
"Great!" Starlight replied, somewhat dozily. "In that case, could you drop me off at the h-hospital p-please..."
And with that final word, an utterly exhausted Starlight finally collapsed after all the stresses and strains of the day.
Thinking quickly, Trixie turned around to address Maud.
"Hey, you're the strong one here. You carry her... I'll cover for us if Twilight starts asking awkward questions."
"What a shame. I never got to tell her Boulder's favourite ice lolly was lemon and limestone."
"...Huh?"
"...Nothing."
Author's Note
My first time writing Maud, hope I did her justice...
Thanks for reading my little one-shot! 
