It's nothing, really, just a dirty fork ...
Upon being shown to her table, Rarity takes a minute to observe and appreciate the décor. “Take it all in, girls, you won’t find anything like this in Ponyville!”
Sweetie Belle looks around the tables filled with diners in an attempt to gain a similar sense of appreciation, while Apple Bloom just tilts her head in various directions, unsure as to exactly what it is about some restaurant that’s so special. Scootaloo simply yawns in boredom.
“Yes, I suppose Rainbow Dash would have a similar reaction,” Rarity dourly admits. “Just take a seat, everypony.”
“We’re sorry, Rarity,” Apple Bloom says as they all seat themselves, “but Ah’d rather be at Hayburgers or Five Mares or somethin’. A fancy place like this just ain’t me.” Scootaloo quickly adds a ‘Here, here!’ before Sweetie Belle turns and glares at her friends.
“Hey, my sis is treatin’ us to a fine-dining experience. How about a little appreciation for that?”
Feeling guilty, the other two nod in agreement. “Sweetie Belle’s right,” Scootaloo acknowledges. “This is really nice of you to take us to a place like this.”
Rarity’s face brightens. “Oh, it’s nothing. Besides, after some of the storefronts we passed by during our walking tour of Manehattan, it’s relaxing to be able to simply settle down and sup on quality food. I do apologize for subjecting you to some of those places.”
“Don’t be sorry about that,” Scootaloo declares. “We found a lot of incredible stores in Manehattan.”
“Not sure if ‘incredible’ is the word Ah’d use,” Apple Bloom adds. “Maybe ‘peculiar’?”
“I think the proper term is ‘eccentric’,” Sweetie Belle concludes.
“Well in any case, we’ll have plenty of time to discuss during dinner,” Rarity cheerfully states. “Now take your time perusing the menu; this place got three hooves, you know.”
Apple Bloom looks up from her menu. “Wait a minute. Pinkie Pie told us that places with three hoof ratings were terrible.”
“Yes, well not every food critic is Zesty Gourmand. I can assure you that numerous ponies have given this place high ratings.”
Moments later, a unicorn waiter sporting a thin moustache arrives levitating a notepad and pencil. “Good evening, ladies, and welcome to the Gilded Lily. May I start you all with any appetizers or drinks?”
“We’re still deciding,” Rarity answers. “If you could just bring us all a round of lemon teas, that would be wonderful. Oh … and I seem to have a bit of a dirty fork, could you please get me another?”
The waiter pauses. “I beg your pardon, madam?”
“Oh, it’s really nothing, just a little dirty, this fork. If I could just have another.”
The notepad and pencil quickly fall to the floor as the waiter focuses on Rarity’s cutlery. He levitates the fork towards him for a closer inspection.
“Mon dieu! I must apologize for this, madam!”
“No, that’s quite all right,” Rarity calmly informs the nervous waiter. “Nothing to get all worked up over. If I could just get another fork.”
“Oh, absolutely, madam. In fact, I must fetch the headwaiter at once!” The fork falls back to the table as the waiter turns and frantically trots away.
“Wow,” Sweetie Belle marvels, “they sure care about cleanliness here.”
“All part of a quality restaurant, my dear. Now then …” Rarity turns to Sweetie Belle. “Any particular place that left an impression in your mind?”
“Well, there was that self-defense class we passed by. You know, where all the students were holding bananas while that weird drill instructor taunted them?”
“Hey, under-ripe bananas are stiff and pointy,” Scootaloo states. “Seems to me like such a class is perfectly normal.”
Sweetie Belle muses. “But bananas? Wouldn’t it be more practical to learn what to do if somepony attacks you with a pointed stick or something?” Apple Bloom quickly scolds her friend.
“Pointed sticks??? What, produce don’t do enough damage to ya? How ‘bout Ah come after you with a basket of ripe tomatoes and we’ll see how you fare!”
“Girls, please,” Rarity quietly implores the twosome. “This is not the place to have an argument! Now knock it off!”
Both young lasses look down in regret. “Ah’m sorry, Sweetie Belle. Ah’m just real passionate about fruit. Runs in the family, Ah guess.”
“It’s OK,” Sweetie Belle replies with a smile.
“Still,” Scootaloo admits, “that did look like a cool self-defense class.”
“I don’t know,” Rarity ponders. “Frankly, I think OSHA’s gonna be all over that school before too long. Did any of you notice that 16-ton weight hanging by a single rope over the class? I’m telling you, somepony’s going to be seriously hurt in there if they’re not careful. And I don’t know why I saw a caged tiger in the back.”
Sweetie Belle opens her mouth to respond, but at that moment the waiter returns, accompanied by a tuxedo-clad earth pony that Rarity assumes to be the headwaiter. “Excuse me miss,” the latter inquires, “but if I may …”
The headwaiter picks up Rarity’s fork and inspects it closely. “Disgusting,” he mutters before quickly turning to the waiter. “Gaston, find out who washed this fork, and fire him at once!”
“Oh, there’s no need to be so rash—”
Ignoring Rarity’s pleas, the headwaiter continues. “Never mind that, can’t take any chances: Sack the entire cleaning staff!!!” Gaston nods and rushes towards the kitchen.
“Really now, there’s no reason to take such drastic action.”
“Oh it’s nothing at all,” the headwaiter assures Rarity in a calmer tone. “We here at the Gilded Lily just want to be certain that your experience here is everything you wish it to be.”
“Oh, the experience so far has been just wonderful,” Rarity assures the headwaiter. She chuckles as she continues, “I mean, it’s just a dirty fork.”
“I know,” the headwaiter responds solemnly, “and again I must deeply apologize for that … but I understand that no apology can make up for you being given a dirty … filthy … smelly piece of cutlery!”
“It wasn’t smelly—”
“It was smelly, and disgusting and obscene. I hate it with all my …” The headwaiter takes a breath and composes himself. “I shall fetch the manager at once.”
“No really, there’s no need to …” Rarity’s plea falls upon deaf ears as the headwaiter, head hung low, mopes away from the table. “Well,” she says, turning to the CMCs, “That was unexpected.”
“Um, Rarity?” Sweetie Belle asks. “Should I say anything about the dirty knife I got?”
“I think discretion might be for the best at the moment, dearie.”
After a few seconds’ pause, Scootaloo speaks up. “I still don’t know why we couldn’t spend more time at that art store. I got some of the most awesome pictures ever!”
“Scootaloo, dear, didn’t you think your selection had a slight fixation of interest?”
“I don’t understand.”
Apple Bloom opts for a more blunt approach: “Scootaloo, every picture you got was of Rainbow Dash! Heck, some of them pictures have multiple Rainbow Dashes in them.”
“I know! Awesome, right? I can’t wait to show her these! Look …”
Scootaloo reaches for a handbag and pulls out numerous drawings. “Besides, these pictures have all the Elements of Harmony! See, here’s one of Rarity and Rainbow Dash. This one’s Fluttershy ‘n Dash. Twilight Pinkie ‘n Dash, Dash Pinkie AJ ‘n Dash, Dash Rar’ Dash Dash AJ ‘n Dash, Dash Dash Dash Shy ‘n Dash, Dash Dash Dash Dash Dash Dash Dash Pinkie Dash Dash ‘n Dash, and Princess Luna sitting atop Princess Celestia’s shoulders with a large trenchcoat covering the both of them as Starlight Glimmer stares at them and Dash.”
Sweetie Belle looks over Scootaloo’s foreleg. “You got any pictures that don’t contain Rainbow Dash?”
“Well, this one has Dash Pinkie AJ and Dash, that’s not got much Dash in it.”
“But what about a picture that doesn’t have any Dash?”
“Well what about this one,” Scootaloo suggests, “with Fluttershy, AJ, Dash ‘n Twilight?”
“That one’s got Dash in it.”
“Not as much as Dash Pinkie AJ ‘n Dash, though.”
Apple Bloom interjects: “Can we at least agree that it was good that we left before those reindeer started singin’?” Scootaloo scowls at AB as a well-dressed unicorn approaches the table.
“Good evening, ladies,” the unicorn warmly states. “I am the manager of the Gilded Lily, and I’ve only just heard. May I sit down?”
A confused Rarity stumbles over a response. “Er … uh, certainly, please.”
“Thank you.” The manager rests his legs and turns to Rarity. “I want to apologize, on behalf on this establishment and all who work here, for tonight’s horrible incident.”
“It was just a lousy fork.”
“Not now, Scootaloo.”
“Oh, you’re good, fine ponies,” the manager continues over Rarity’s shushing, “but I can see the truth. You only see a little dirt, but I see it for what it really is … a mountain, a vast bowl of pus!”
“Really, now—”
“It imbues my very soul! I … I cannot make excuses for this. I’ve meant to spend more time at the restaurant, but … what with my arthritic grandmare needing care.” The manager begins to tear up as he continues. “And Blue Pepper, the dishwasher, can barely move her hooves now. And we’re still mourning the loss of Petey, our beloved parrot. But … but we’re all good ponies … kind ponies … and together we were coming out of that darkened tunnel. There was HOPE!” He grabs the fork. “For this … for THIS …”
The manager drops his head to the table, sobbing uncontrollably, as a large pegasus with a chef’s hat barrels through the aisle. He looks Rarity in the eyes, fire burning from within.
“YOU SCREWHEAD!!! YOU VICIOUS, HEARTLESS SCREWHEAD! LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO HIM! HE’S WORKED HIS HOOVES TO THE BONES TO MAKE THIS PLACE WHAT IT IS, AND YOU COME HERE WITH YOUR PETTY CONCERNS AND YOU GRIND HIM INTO THE GROUND! THIS FINE, HONORABLE STALLION WHOSE FLANK YOU ARE NOT FIT TO KISS!”
Rarity turns to her young guests, her calm exterior belying her frantic nerves. She then turns to the crazed chef. “You know, it is getting rather late, and I need to have these fillies in bed before too long, so—”
“PONIES LIKE YOU JUST MAKE ME MAD … MAD … MAD!!! …” The chef reaches up and pulls out a meat cleaver from under his hat, eyeing Rarity with abject hatred.
“Run!”
The three youngsters quickly heed Rarity’s command and scamper towards the entrance, with Rarity following close behind.
“IT’S THE EEEEEEEEND …”
Voices of several ponies screaming can be heard from behind, but Rarity focuses her attention on following the CMCs straight out the door. Upon passing through the entrance, they all bolt down the street as fast as their legs will take them, darting past any bystanders along the sidewalks. After galloping down several blocks, the foursome slows down to catch their collective breath.
“Good thing you didn’t say anything about the dirty knife,” Sweetie Belle eventually reassures her agitated big sister.
“You know, maybe something simpler and quainter like Hayburger would be a better option for the time … now what in Equestria is THAT???”
Rarity perceives the marching of hooves coming from down the street. A banner appears from over the horizon, depicting Rainbow Dash in a majestic fashion. Numerous signs soon join the banner as a herd of reindeer, all clad in prosthetic cyan wings and sporting faux rainbow tails, wail at the top of their lungs:
“LOVELY DAAAAAAASH, WONDERFUL DAAAAAAASH … LOVELY DAAAAAASH, WONDERFUL DAAAAAASH!!! …”
Rarity’s mouth opens as she stares at the sight now passing in front of her and the CMCs. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle share the elder filly’s look of shock, while Scootaloo’s eyes widen to the size of dinner plates. As the dozen or so reindeer finally pass by, Scootaloo bolts down the street towards them, shouting “WAIT FOR ME!!!” along the way.
“Scootaloo, come back!” Rarity calls out … but the sound of Sweetie Belle screaming in fear causes her to quickly turn around. A belligerent grey pegasus flies up to them from down the street, carrying three wide sticks of explosives in his mouth. He dumps the sticks on the ground and begins to shout at the threesome.
“ALL RIGHT NOW, I SAW YOU THREE STARING IN ON MY CLASS, WHAT WITH YOUR THOUGHTS OF GETTING THE JUMP ON ME WITH YOUR KUMQUATS AND YOUR GUAVAS! YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA TAKE ME ALIVE??? WELL I GOT THREE STICKS OF TRINITROTOLUENE WITH ALL YOUR NAMES ON IT! I’M WARNING YOU … RIGHT, I WARNED YOU …”
*BAMF*
In a blinding flash, a mulleted green earth pony instantly appears directly above the crazed instructors head; he immediately crashes down atop the unfortunate pegasus, knocking the latter out in the process. The earth pony shakes his head and looks around, trying to regain his bearings.
Aghast, Rarity screams “Wha … where in Tartarus did you come from!!!”
“Beats me, lady. One minute I’m explaining to some apple seed buyer that we’re temporarily low on supply, next thing I know she’s bucking me so hard that … where am I, anyway?”
Before Rarity can answer, an excited Apple Bloom rushes up to converse with the stranger.
“You sell apple seeds? That is such a coincidence! Mah sister went to Appleoosa to get some new apple seeds! So what did yah sell her, huh? Did she get any Adams Pearmain? What about Junami? Or Catshead? Irish Peach? Kanzi, Melba, Red Prince, Wolf River, Court Pendu Plat … wait, come back!”
Upon seeing the green pony scramble away from the apple-oriented youngster, Apple Bloom races down the street after him, shouting out various names of apple cultivars along the way.
“Apple Bloom!” Rarity screams out … but seeing that her yelling has no impact on the young earth pony, Rarity turns back to the crumpled body of the pegasus now lying before her. “My dear, are you all right?”
The defense instructor struggles to lift his head up as he utters in a confused state, “… aaand I’d like to conclude by putting my forehoof up muh nose ...” His head then collapses back to the ground.
Rarity turns to Sweetie Belle, then looks down one direction of the street to see Scootaloo chase after the reindeer parade, then towards the other direction of the street to observe Apple Bloom continue to pester the confused store owner, then down to the unconscious instructor, and finally back to Sweetie Belle.
“This is the silliest fanfic I’ve ever been in.”
“You wanna stop it?” her sister innocently asks.
“… all right.”
Author's Note
Thank you for reading this fanfic. I didn’t know if it would be a good idea to try to cram in references to 5 different sketches from Monty Python, including a call back to my last fic, but overall I thought it turned out—
Rarity hits the coyote over the head with a rubber chicken, then walks several paces away, handing the chicken back to an armor-clad Cheese Sandwich without saying a word.
