Foal Free Press - Letters to the Editor 5/3/17
The views expressed in the following letter to the editor do not in any way represent the views of The Foal Free Press, its editors, staff, readers, or any other pony be they real or imagined. We apologize in advance.
Respectively,
Featherweight, Editor
-=-=-=-=-
Dear Concerned Ponies of Ponyville,
Ladies and gentlecolts, today I stand before you with perhaps the most shocking revelation ever revealed in the history of Ponyville. Now I think we would all agree that Pinkie Pie is not an evil changeling. Ponies say a lot of things about Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie is autistic. Pinkie Pie is insane. Pinkie Pie practices gypsy witchcraft. Pinkie Pie is the personification of the dreaded old ones, blessed be those who slumber beneath the waves.
Ponies say many of these things about Pinkie Pie, ad there’s no way to absolutely prove beyond all shadow of a doubt that some, or all, or perhaps none of these facts may in fact be facts. But nopony would ever suggest that Pinkie Pie is evil. Nor can it be reasonably proven that Pinkie Pie is not in fact a changeling.
Now I’m not saying that all changelings are evil. After all, Pinkie Pie is obviously not evil, and nopony can prove that Pinkie Pie is NOT a changeling. And we have all been assured by the bureaucrats in the Canterlot government that the changelings following King Thorax are in fact our friends and are probably not perverted insectile parasites who want to sex up ponies and turn them into tacos. Nopony has ever publically accused King Thorax of turning ponies into tacos. I should also note that no evidence has yet to surface proving that Starlight Glimmer ever ate tacos that were made of ponies who were turned into tacos by King Thorax.
But I didn’t come here today to discuss the possibility that Princess Twilight Sparkle’s personal student, Starlight Glimmer could possibly be a cannibal, even though there is no evidence to prove that she is not, in fact a cannibal. No, I came here to warn you of the dastardly, evil changeling spy who now lives on the edge of Ponyville plotting our rock-based doom. I am referring of course to the evil changeling spy, Maud Pie.
Now I’m sure you’ve all heard the rumor by now that Pinkie Pie is, in fact, a changeling. Well, my good ponies, allow me to lay this rumor to rest. Of course Pinkie Pie is a changeling! How stupid do you have to be? She’s not even trying to hide it! Earlier today she turned her head into a balloon and floated over the town hall! She grows stronger by the power of friendship. Hello! Changeling!
But obviously Pinkie Pie isn’t evil. No pony who ever wants extra sprinkles on their cupcakes would ever suggest that Pinkie Pie is evil. But then again, everypony knows that Rarity isn’t an evil pony who makes her dresses out of dalmatian fur. Even though Fluttershy could easily supply her with as many as one hundred dalmatians explicitly for dress making purposes. And yet, even though nopony has ever accused Rarity of making dresses out of puppies, we all know beyond any shadow of a doubt that her sister, Sweetie Belle is, in fact, demonstrably the worst pony ever, possibly the devil, and the death of all good things in Equestria.
So if Rarity is a good pony, but her sister is unspeakably evil, then obviously it stands to reason that even though Pinkie Pie herself is not an evil changeling, her sister Maudalina Daisy Pie is the spawn of Chrysalis incarnate! I’m not just saying this because Maud Pie is a creepy pony who lives in a cave on the outskirt of Ponyville and talks to rocks, mind you. Nor am I suggesting that all changelings are evil cannibal bug-ponies who want to turn us into tacos and eat our brains. After all everypony here knows that Pinkie Pie is a changeling, and obviously she’s not evil. And we have the word of Princess Twilight Sparkle, who probably wasn’t replaced by Queen Chrysalis, that Thorax is a good changeling and not just dressing up in a funny-cute bug disguise to lure us back to the changeling hive to be turned into tacos and eaten by evil changelings.
No, my good ponies, we need to examine the evidence! First, Maud Pie lives in a cave. Do you know who else lives in caves? I’ll tell you who, evil changelings! That’s who! And not only that, but she talks to rocks. And do you know who can turn into rocks? Evil changelings! This, ladies and gentlecolts is a simple fact. Evil changelings can turn into rocks. Who knows how many of the “rocks” in Maud Pie’s insidious lair are actually evil changelings? I can tell you this much: I don’t know how many evil changeling cannibals are disguised as rocks in Maud’s army of evil. Let that sink in for a moment. I don’t know, and neither do you, and that fact alone should terrify us all.
So here’s what we do know, my friends. We know Pinkie Pie is a changeling. No right thinking pony would dispute this as known fact. And if Pinkie Pie is a changeling then we know Maud must be a changeling, because that’s just how that works. We just found out in class, just yesterday, how that works. And that, my good ponies is how that works. We know that there’s no way to prove Maud is not leading an evil army of changelings disguised as rocks. And we know beyond a shadow of any reasonable doubt that evil changelings might turn ponies into tacos and eat their brains.
“But Button Mash, maybe they're all nice changelings, like Thorax,” you might say. “Princess Twilight, who is almost certainly not an evil doppleganger sent to lure us to our doom, has assured us that changelings just want to be our friends.”
But if Maud isn’t evil then how do you explain Trixie?
Sincerely,
Button Mash
