Author's Note

Because I felt like it.

Fuck Ponies

My name is Anon. I’ve lived in Equestria for the better part of a decade, but for some odd reason, I never did like the ponies. It’s not that I despise ponies or anything, they’re just not my kind of people. They might look mostly human save for their fur, ears, hooves and the odd horn or set of wings, but there was always something off about them to me. They’re cheery, naive, and energetic, which are words that have been used to describe me on my good days, but I just can’t deal with them. Ponies are evil in their own little ways and despite me pointing that out on multiple occasions, no one ever seems to get it.

For example, there was one time where I was helping this mare named Pinkie Pie. Pinkie must be the most pony-like pony that there’s ever been. She’s happy and smiley most of the time, but one day, she asked me to help her with some baking, even though I told her that I didn’t know the first thing about it. I was your average factory worker back in the states, and I was single for the longest time, so most of my food came in the form of take-out or frozen meals, so how could I possibly know the first thing about baking?

Still, Pinkie asked me to help, and since I’m a generally nice guy, I agreed. She took me to Sugarcube Corner, the place where she lived and worked, and the Cakes allowed us to have free run of the kitchen since the baking was done for the day. When we came in, Pinkie told me that we would be baking cupcakes with a little extra inside of them as a prank, and I was happy to help since I figured that it would be funny to see what she did. Pinkie had me mix and stir batter, but that was pretty much the extent of my involvement of the process, so I was wondering why she’d even had me help in the first place.

Pinkie placed her cupcakes in the oven after adding her special ingredient and even tried some of it for herself. She offered me a drop of her hot sauce, but I’d never been particularly fond of spicy things, so I turned her down, but when her hair turned flat and she became depressed I decided to give it a go. Of course the sauce was far too hot for any sane person to enjoy it, but it made Pinkie’s hair poof back up and she drank the rest of the bottle.

Since we had some time before the cupcakes would even be close to being done, Pinkie offered to do me a favor since I’d helped her, despite my assurances that I just wanted to see the prank in action. Pinkie wouldn’t take no for an answer, and since she was terribly cute, I couldn’t really say no to a free blowjob, now could I? Pinkie took me up so my room and removed my pants, only using her teeth somehow. She even undid my belt and everything with an ease I thought was a little creepy, but again, I wasn’t complaining. When my dick was waving about in the air like a flagpole, Pinkie popped it into her mouth and started giving me some of the best head I’d ever had in my life.

And then the burning started.

My poor cock was on fire so I pulled out of Pinkie’s mouth and barely managed to cover myself before sprinting to her bathroom to run water on my inflamed member, but that wasn’t what upset me. Pinkie’s cackling was what bothered me. After ten or so minutes, the burning wasn’t as bad, so I tracked Pinkie down and gave her a stern talking to for being so mean to my penis. She offered to let me go further than she had before, but at that moment, I wasn’t having any of her nonsense, just in case she was crazy enough to put hot sauce in her honey hole just to mess with me some more.

Two days later, I took Pinkie up on her offer and learned that she was that crazy. I thought I’d gotten an STD from her fifteen seconds into penetrating her for the first time, but at this point, I was just upset that I’d fallen for her sexual evil twice, so I did what came naturally and buried my dying dick in her ass. The burning for me stopped after a few seconds, but Pinkie’s bottom was alight and she practically crushed my penis when I put it in. After thirty minutes of tears and anguish, Pinkie Pie made me leave her house, so I went home to laugh about turning the tables on her. An hour after I had gotten settled down and started working on some whittling to fill the time, Pinkie showed up with five of her friends and none of them looked happy to see me.

I was stripped and stuck to a pole in the middle of town with magic no one knew how to dispel for two days. I pressed charges for the event, but nothing ever came of it, despite the fact that my name was ruined in the town of Ponyville for the six months I remained there. Of course I moved away from the town that had seen me put on display in the cruelest of ways for retaliating against Pinkie, but I never forgot about that little occurrence.
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After I moved from Ponyville, I went to Canterlot because I’d been there before to meet the Princesses since I was the only human anyone knew of in Equestria. Princess Luna and I had hit it off pretty well when we met and she offered to get me a job if I ever needed one. The day I moved into Canterlot, I scheduled an audience with my favorite princess and called in that favor. Princess Luna was happy to set me up with a job as a guard and I was happy that I would get to spend more time around her. She really was a leader worth following, if the general state of Equestria was anything to go by, so I figured that leaving my career as a masseuse behind was my best bet. Things went well up until some other human came into the picture. I never learned her name, but when she came around, Princess Luna had less and less time for me, and since she was my only friend in Canterlot, things got lonely very quickly.

I made a friend in the guard, however, in the form of the Guard Captain Shining Armor. He was a pretty pleasant guy when we weren’t in uniform, but we both knew that the moment those helmets went on, he was my boss. I didn’t ask him for any preferential treatment when I switched from the Night Guard to the Day Guard, but it’s not like he would have given it to me anyway. We were both fond of rules and regulations, so it just wasn’t a problem we faced.

Still, there were mutterings of Shining Armor showing me favoritism, so my popularity in the guard hit rock bottom mere days after I joined the Day Guard. It wasn’t all that bad, but I was of a social person, so the relative isolation started taking its toll on me, but when I brought it up to Shining, all he could do was fire me. He never explained why, but he kicked me out of the guard, so I had to find another job in Canterlot, but at that point, word around town had spread that Anon, the male human, was a good for nothing suck up. It shouldn’t have mattered in a place full of suck ups, but it did. With little money and no friends, I had to leave Canterlot too, in time, though this time, there was nowhere for me to go.
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I took a train to a place called Appaloosa since it seemed like a good place to start over again, but finding work there was hard. I eventually became a farm hard for a fellow named Braeburn, and he was a nice enough guy. He was cheerful like the rest of the ponies, but for some odd reason, I thought the guy was attracted to me when I first met him. I didn’t think that it was a big issue, so I took the work he gave me and did it to the best of my abilities. I couldn’t buck trees like a pony, but I could climb things that ponies just couldn’t and get into places that Pegasi couldn’t reach, which meant that I was valuable around the farm. IT was the nicest feeling I’d had in awhile and through my work on the farm, I gained recognition for being one of the hardest working people in town.

Things went well for a few months, but then, out of the blue, Pinkie and her friends showed up on Braeburn's farm one day. He’d mentioned that his cousin was coming over to visit for a little while, and I’d been excited to meet her up until I actually did. I’m not proud to say that I broke down and cried when I saw her, but I had gotten some trauma from what they had done to me in Ponyville and there was never anyone for me to talk to about it. Applejack held no pity for me and I didn’t get off of the floor for hours, well after she and her friends had left. Braeburn left me alone until nightfall when he came to hear my side of what happened between me and Pinkie.

I told him everything, like how Pinkie had picked me up off of the street and asked me to bake with her, that she had given me a hot sauce blowjob, and that she’d even put it in her most private of places. Braeburn was aghast at the story, but he believed me since it matched up with the story Applejack had told him. Braeburn was the only pony who had ever taken the time to listen to me, so when he came in for a kiss, I couldn’t bring myself to deny him. I wasn’t gay or even bi, but I didn’t want to lose someone so important, so I let him do whatever he wanted with me for months. I eventually came to like being gay and even started to love Braeburn, but when Applejack came back for a second visit and told him to get rid of me, he did so without hesitation.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take being cast out of home after home for doing nothing other than trying to be accepted, so I left Appaloosa behind and went to Manehatten, trading a quiet life in the country for the hustle and bustle of the big city. At this point, no one could call me cheerful or social anymore. I was a shell of my former self. It was a good fit for the underbelly of the city, which is where I eventually fell when my money ran out. I ran Manganese Salt for a fellow named Double Deal for awhile until I got busted, but when I explained that I used the salt myself for cooking, the police stupidly let me go and I had to give the salt back to Double so I wouldn’t get busted again. Oddly enough, he understood my hesitation to deal drugs, so he had me start doing something far worse.

My morals had went down the drain when Braeburn broke up with me, so breaking legs, arms and hands was nothing to me. Salt addicts who couldn’t pay eventually got to meet me and and my sheleighly, but one day, while I was walking to a new client’s apartment, I caught sight of the cunts who had ruined my life in the first place, and I for the first time in months, I felt something.

Pure, unfiltered hatred.

I tracked Applejack and Pinkie Pie during their stay in Manehatten, never straying too far from wherever they were. I asked Double if he would give me a hook-up since I had been his best grifter and an even better payment collector, so he gave me his strongest salts without asking another question. With my plan in mind and a fuckton of powerful salt in my pockets, I told Double that I would be back once I was done doing what I needed to do and went back to Ponyville to settle an old score.
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I had enough money from dealing and cracking skulls to stay at the inn in town for a full month, but I wouldn’t even need that much time. I spent the better part of two weeks learning each of the girls’ routines and hiding salt around their homes, but that wasn’t it. That wasn’t it at all. During the nights, I started slipping salts into whatever food I thought would cover the taste, and during the day, I stalked whoever I’d visited the night before.

My favorite was the time I’d caught Pinkie in a back alley and forced three heavy doses of salt down her throat, making her choke on it as she ingested the evil substance. All I had to do was sit back and watch as it took effect, dehydrating her almost instantly. I couldn’t help but smile, though the muscles in my face were unused to to doing such things after months of remaining in a permanent frown. Pinkie recognized me for exactly who I was before she went on the trip of her life.

I stepped over her twitching body and decided that Applejack was my next target. I knew exactly where she lived, so I camped out in the orchards of Sweet Apple Acres for a night and waited until I could catch her alone. Applejack was bucking trees when I rushed her, but instead of giving her three does like I had Pinkie, I crammed four down her throat and waited for her to dehydrate before cramming in four more. The cunt had cost me the only man I’d ever loved, and the only person who’d loved me in Equestria, so I thought that it was well worth it to watch her slowly stop twitching on the ground. She foamed at the mouth and I watched her terror as the life faded from her eyes.

After that, I felt like my job was done, so I mosied around Ponyville for a few days in a pretty good disguise and listened for any news of what my actions had done. Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Rarity Belle, And Rainbow Dash were all strung out on salts, scouring their houses for their next fix and Pinkie Pie was even worse off. The heavy dose I’d given her had practically wrecked her insides, so she was spending her time trying to clean her system of the drugs in Ponyville hospital.

I decided to visit Twilight Sparkle after three days had passed since Applejack’s death. When I walked into the library, I found her snorting some salt off a book while her pet dragon cried softly in corner. With the biggest grin I’d conjured up in months, I approached her and asked if she’d like some water. She broke down in tears and begged me to help her get off of the stuff, so I told her that I would give her something to drink, and that the only thing I had on me happened to be 'man made'. I could practically see the light bulb go off in Twilight’s head, but she was too feeble to use magic or come at me in anyway, so she had to sit there and take it when I pissed on her face.

I laughed the entire time.

When I’d put the old Johnson back where he belonged, I told her that this was her punishment for humiliating me over something her friend had started and that her and what was left of her friends could all rot in Hell for what they did to me. I explained what had happened with Pinkie for her and left so that she could spread the word. As I was leaving, she told me that her brother was the Captain of The Guard and that he would get me for killing and crippling her friends, so I held up a rock of salt and told her to clean up the mess I’d made if she wanted it.

Maybe I shouldn’t say what all she did for that one rock.
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With my revenge in mind, I headed to Appaloosa. Why not head to Canterlot and take care of Shing and Luna? Well, Luna had just stopped being my friend and Shining had only fired me. Both of those things had hurt, but I was willing to bet that Shining would hear about what I did to his sister sooner or later, so he would suffer plenty from that, and Luna hadn't actually done anything to me, so I was content to let her be. Braeburn, on the other hand, had thrown away our love for no other reason than because his cousin had told him to, so he was going to pay.

Braeburn’s farm wasn’t well monitored, so it was a cinch to sneak in and salt all of his foods. I even put salt in all most of his drinks, and by the end of the week, word around town was that Braeburn was strung out like no other. I showed up on his doorstep after hearing the news, and the guy looked absolutely terrible. He asked me why I’d come and I told him that I’d heard that he could use a hand, but Braeburn refused me, saying that Applejack had told him that I was nothing but trouble. Some time ago, that would have hurt, but now it was little more than a drop in a bucket. I wished him the best of luck in getting off of the salt, but I didn’t stop there. I kept visiting his house while he was away or asleep and salted all of his edibles day after day, no matter what he bought. By the end of the month, Braeburn was no longer the handsome, hardworking man I’d once known, so I took my leave with a bounce to my step and headed back to Manehatten to pick up where I’d left off with Double.
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“...That is your story?” Princess Celestia asked softly.

I gave her a smirk. “It sure is. Kill me now or later, it doesn’t matter to me anymore, Celestia.”

Her eyes hardened and her jaw set forward. “Believe me, I would love to slay you like you did Applejack, but that’s not the way the law works here. You are sentenced to life in Tartarus.”

I laughed at her. "You think someone who does what I have cares about what happens to them?"

Celestia smirked. "You've never been to Tartarus"

"My life IS tartarus."

She shook her heads and gestured for the guards in the court to take me out

I gave her the last smile I would ever give, coated in red as I choked and gagged. She never realized what I did until I was already on my way to the grave.