On the Dave

Have you ever woken up in a completely unfathomable situation, have no idea what happened, and then proceeded to derail the whole thing? I have, more than once. But either way, you’re probably not interested in me boring you guys to death with philosophical crap, so I’ll get to it this time.

The name’s Dave. I was just that typical 22 year old straight out of university- an overt idealist and a slight cynic, yet still managing to have the basics of a job, family, and life. There was also something about my childhood not being ideal, but that’s a story for later on.

You see, there was this big party thrown by one of my friends over at his house (supposedly the party of the century), when we all managed to graduate university together. It was as typical as it could get with a group of horny friends – alcohol, loud music, video games, you name it. It was quite vague to me, but getting wasted and screaming were still in my memory. Maybe the cops got called over because of the noise, I can’t remember. Either way, the results were the same: fatigue, upset stomach, along with the swimming head with that trademark stabbing headache.

At least the bed was comfortable and I didn’t soil my pants.

Wait a second, bed?

I frowned at that. I was pretty sure I was either in a couch or on the ground from last night. No way in hell my friends would drag me into a bed, we didn’t sneak out on this one. Well, maybe my mom would, but she wasn’t here for that either way. Did I get abducted and had my kidneys stolen? Oh right, you need to be in a bathtub full of ice for that to be true. I pressed that out and tried to go one step at a time.

“That must have been one hell of a night,” I muttered to myself, flinching slightly at my voice.

Was that my voice? It definitely didn’t sound like it. Its higher pitch made it more reminiscent of a young lady instead. There was still evidence of a sore voice, but at this rate, it sounded more like a mild voice crack than having your throat taken out by a night of alcohol and yelling.

Peeling open my eyes, I immediately snapped them shut once they opened. It was too bright, but then again, what can you expect from the results of a hangover? I tried again, more slowly this time, until it was comfortable opening up all the way. My vision was a little fuzzy, but quickly cleared out. I was surprised at how clear my vision was now, given how I needed glasses to attain such for the most of my life.

I was in what appeared to be a hospital room – the empty medical cart at my side, the bed and the smell of antiseptic backed up my expectations. Did I get injured that bad last night? Did I eat something that messed up my voice? Why was I asking myself stupid questions instead of actually doing something?

Then I saw it inbetween my eyes, a blob of snow white. It appeared to move with my breathing, taking up the space where my nose used to be. I brought up a hand to check it out, only to find out that it has been replaced with a similarly colored stump as I unintentionally booped myself. I paused.

Well, that one was new. I tried to move around a bit, but everything felt wrong, especially my legs. Oh, did I mention that my toes were also gone? That was going to leave some trouble for when I try to walk later- I can only assume that whatever happened to my arms happened to my legs. Something about this reminded me of something, yet I couldn’t place a precise definition on it. I stuffed the thought at the back of my head, when I heard a series of clip-clop approach the door to my room.

“Oh, she’s awake,” the voice said. Some guy, probably the- wait a minute, did he refer to me as ‘she’? “Call me about it later.”

Propping myself up on the bed, I swear I heard my jaw hit the floor. Who I presumed to be the doctor was a pony, but not a pony from where I know, because good god, its eyes were huge. Plus, it had a horn poking out of his head, its coat and hair a shade too off from what I was used to see. He also appeared to have a doctor’s coat and this mark on his flank-

Something clicked in my head. Was I in…

Oh hell no.

Yes, I was a Brony. Probably the less interesting ones out there if I were to say, as I kept it to myself, because god forbid my friends for getting one more knack to annoy me with. I’d say I’ve seen my fair share of fucked up stuff, but this one by far takes the cake. Daydreaming about an imaginary world was one thing, but actually waking up in one without any prior warning? That was a big nope for me.

“You.. you talking to me?” I asked, gingerly pointing a hoof to myself. I tried not to seem surprised at my voice.

He seemed taken aback, “Yes, I am.”

Absentmindedly with my other hoof under the sheets, I reached inbetween my legs, confirming what the doctor just said as correct. I had a vagina now.

Any sane person right now would probably lose their shit, start screaming, curl up into a ball and cry, attempting to rationalize what just happened to cause them to end up like this. Something told me that I was completely screwed, yet my mind refused to budge at the moment, being stuck in a state of neutral purgatory as millions of undocumented thoughts flew through my head. Reaching down between my legs again made me realise that I still had some cover for my modesty, which was mildly relieving.

The doctor looked at me with some worry, “Miss, are you alright?”

I ignored his statement and kept up the dumb expression on my face as a thought suddenly stuck itself into my mind. I could feel my pupils shrink at the thought.

“OH FUCK!” he visibly flinched at the outburst.

“Miss?”

What he probably didn’t expect was the banzai charge I performed onto the hospital cart as I tried to get out of bed.

…

“Ah, damnit! Let me go!” I wailed, flailing around and trying to get free from the doctor’s magic. He decidedly ignored me as he called off the nurse to get something to ‘calm me down’ (I can only assume that it was going to be sedatives), while his assistant came over to help with the restraining.

Goddamnit, I was so stupid. Why did I arrange to go to that party one day before my job interview? I would always attend for my friends, yet I didn’t anticipate about the consequences of alcohol beforehand. My employer would probably cut me out big time at that. Yes, my priorities are probably completely wrong. I’m pretty sure I never said anything about being smart. Maybe if this was a normal hospital I probably wouldn’t have freaked out, or at least not in such the fashion. Either way, I wasn’t a fan of schedule hiccups, even more so when I just get whisked off to ponyland as a girl, with the nearest exit being god knows where. Or was I on acid? Doesn’t matter- shoot first, talk later.

Oh, and it was probably during my freakout when I realised that I was a Pegasus. It confused me at first about the sensation of protrusions coming out my back, but the sound of flapping and that stray feather confirmed that I had wings. Sure, I have always aspired to fly for a long time, but right now it was a massive annoyance, with the wings randomly jutting out and killing my balance. I would probably be a lot happier if I got them on my own terms, I’ll give you that.

“Miss, I need you to calm down,” the doctor said with as much calm as he could as he and his assistant were trying to hold me down.

“Calm? Calm! I’ll be calm until I can find some semblance of normality over here!” I quipped, still kicking around. It was hard to sound serious when your voice sounds like a cartoon character.

The doctor and his assistant looked at each other, seemingly surprised at the remark I made. Oh right- their world, their normal. They probably think that I was just any other pony around. I was never a great person when it came to appropriate responses under disturbing circumstances. Was lunging at hospital carts post-hangover a ‘normal’ response, while claiming to search for normality? Everyone’s probably going to think I’m retarded once they spread the word.

Although to be honest, they’re probably not wrong.

Sometime between their daze towards each other I managed to break free, my left arm at least, and flailed it about as I tried to free my other arm. Did I mention that Earth Ponies were strong? Even without fingers, the assistant managed an impossibly tight grip on my right side, trying to stop me from trying the ever silly quest of determining if I was screwed for my job interview or not (Either way, don’t ask me how I would accomplish that). Needless to say it wasn’t long before the doctor tried to restrain my left side again. I evaded, only to hit my head onto the hospital cart I just lunged at moments before, leaving me in a daze.

Congratulations, I just outplayed myself. I groaned in pain as I slumped back into the assistant’s grip. Hopefully no brain damage, but a brain was something I’ve been lacking for a while now. Can’t damage it if it wasn’t there in the first place, right? Ok, bad joke on my part.

The doctor looked at me in the eyes and shook his head as he completed his part, seeing that I was still being a stubborn ass in trying to free myself.

“I told you to calm down, but you just went on to hurt yourself. Now the nurse is going to bring you something to help you relax, and then we can have a good talk about your situation.”

I only grunted in response as I heard additional hoofsteps approach me. Then there was a quick prick in my left foreleg. I swear that in the corner of my vision, I saw my friends videotaping the ordeal and then proceeding to slap on the ‘Wasted’ effect from GTA 5- Turns out that video game marathons make hindsight 20/20.

“I fucking hate mornings,” I managed before the drugs kicked in.