Chapters A Battle Droid Saves Equestria
A Battle Droid Saves Equestria
I let out a high pitched, modulated sigh as I scrubbed the muck out of the bottom of one of the animal cages.
“Yep this is the worst job in the droid army.”
I knew the assignment to Ryloth was going to be a bad one. I had felt it way down in my root directory.
A strange noise drew my attention. It almost sounded like- D-557 fell to tiny superheated pieces as the Jedi who cut him down strolled casually by.
The bearded Jedi did a force thing and the cage door clanked shut trapping me inside. I had hoped he would be merciful considering I was literally on my knees but instead he did something even more cruel.
“Oh.” I said, as the now inevitable outcome loomed in my predictive subroutine. “Ohhh...”
I slumped down and started shutting down all nonessential systems. This was going to be a looooong wait.
.XXX.
The sound of cheerfully chirping birds was what finally drew me out of sleep mode.
“What?” I wondered aloud as my visual sensors rebooted and I was finally able to see the gnarled trees all around me. “Where am I?”
At least this meant I wasn't going to rust away locked in a cage.
I looked around but the trees looked pretty much the same in every direction. None of the visual records I had could match the flora to any planet in particular so I tried contacting any other droid units in the area. Sadly the attempt was only met with background static.
“Well that's not good.” I scratched the side of my metallic head for a reason my logic processor really couldn't parse. I could just pick a direction and walk... I could go quite a long way before running out of power and surely I would run into some settlement somewhere if I just went in a straight line. So I engaged my determination protocol and started walking.
The forest I had found myself in was made up of twisty trees that stood six point three eight one meters tall on average and drooped with large amounts of moss and other parasitic plant types. The underbrush was made up of mostly thorn bushes and they thankfully were ineffective at damaging my exterior. My paint on the other hand... I will remember you fondly paint job your sacrifice will not be in vain!
I observed a lot of variety in the fauna as well. Mostly little furry animal things that did... little furry animal things.
...
I probably need to request a maintenance cycle when I find my way back.
.XXX.
I had only been walking for two hours, eight minutes, and forty seven seconds when the environment subtly changed. The sun filtering through the leaves seemed to dim while the little furry animal noises went silent. I kept walking but it began to seem like I was going in circles. My navigation system insisted I had remained on a straight line but my pattern recognition software had noticed many instances of identical visual inputs as I walked.
“Wait...” I said coming to a halt. I looked around but every direction still looked the same. “Am I going in circles?” I scratched my head again and shrugged. Surely my pattern recognition software was just having a glitch. I turned to get back on my course when I realized something terrible. “Wait a second... Which way was I going again?”
Now even my navigation system didn't know which way I had been going.
I sighed and was about to just pick another direction when a series of aggressive animalistic vocalizations were registered by my audio sensors. I looked around again and spotted several eyes glowing with their own luminescence. The vocalizations were coming from the group in front of me but I could see the eyes from either side as well.
“Uh oh...”
When the first animal emerged from the bushes my logic processor hiccuped as I noticed the creature looked like it was made of dense plant matter. Ambulatory plants were a rarity in the galaxy and this one looked quite mobile with it’s quadrupedal stance. It also seemed to be predatory as it had a row of thorn like teeth in it’s drooling maw. Quite a few more of them emerged from the bushes and stalked toward me. It was obvious they had mistaken me for food.
“Go, shoo! I’m not food you stupid organics!”
Of course they were too stupid to listen. One of the one’s behind me decided to try and catch me by surprise and darted forward to sink it’s teeth into my ankle. It yelped loudly as it’s bent or broke many of its thorn like teeth.
“I tried to warn you.”
It was becoming obvious by this point that there was nothing the plant predators could do to me so I returned to my primary objective. The forest remained as it was and I had gotten thoroughly turned around from when I had entered the area I was in so I allowed my random number generator to decide. It returned a bearing and I began walking in that direction, ignoring the plant predators that were still occasionally trying to nip at my heels. It only took a few minutes for them to give up and back off and I was thankful I wouldn't have to keep dealing with that annoyance.
Thump
“What was that?” I turned to try and see what had made the impact. Whatever it was it was strong enough to register on my seismic sensors and I didn't want to have to deal with... anything... like...
The input from my visual sensors rose slowly as my head tracked upward along a pair of trees that weren't there a moment ago. Up it went further meeting a bulky wooden body and finally the visage of one of the earlier plant predators only this one was at least the size of a rancor.
“Um...”
I contemplated retreating but I was a proud soldier of the droid army! I lowered my stance, ready to dodge any counter attack and took aim with my... filthy sponge...
“Oh...”
Well only one thing left to do now.
“WAAAAAAAHHH!”
Run screaming.
ThumpThumpThumpThumpThump
The thing was already on top of me when I started running but thanks to my relatively smaller size and tactical assistance from various things like roots sticking up in the path providing sudden stops and sudden changes in direction I managed to avoid the massive plant predator.
“NO NO GO AWAY! BAD ORGANIC!”
I’m sure my discouraging vocalizations played a large part in it as well.
It had been chasing me for forty three minutes and fifteen seconds when we both finally emerged from the trees and into a large grassland. Of course this meant that the tactical assistance provided by the vegetation was also no longer available. Ahead I spotted signs of habitation. Primitive domiciles painted in colors so bright I had trouble looking at them with my visual sensors. I could only hope that whatever creatures inhabited such a place had a way to deal with the giant ambulatory plant chasing me.
Oh who am I kidding?
.XXX.
(Meanwhile in Ponyville)
The Elements of Harmony glared at the evil queen Chrysalis as they sat, helplessly trapped in giant balls of changeling goop.
“Muah ha ha ha!” Chrysalis laughed as she watched her newly rebuilt army snack on a much less daunting target than Canterlot itself. Still It would hurt Celestia and get rid of the Elements, leaving Equestria wide open to the next disaster to befall it. She turned her malevolent gaze to the six mares trapped in their round prisons. “I can’t believe you fell for that.” She said in her vile pur. “You gave me the impression you were smarter than that the last time we met Twilight Sparkle.”
Thump
Twilight squirmed violently trying to find any kind or traction within her cage but no matter how hard she wiggled she couldn't seem to get a grip.
“With you out of the way and your-” Chrysalis paused to seductively lick her lips. “-delicious brother and that nag far away nothing will stand in my path to power this time!”
ThumpThump
Twilight glared as hard as she was able, and resumed her violent wiggling.
ThumpThumpThump
Chrysalis frowned and looked around for whatever was making that irritating racket. Unable to see any obvious cause she turned to a nearby changeling. “You there Drone, go and find the source of that annoying thumping!” The drone saluted before literally buzzing off.
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Why me!?”ThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThump
Chrysalis looked dumbfounded as some kind of tan, bipedal, creature dashed past them. Was that the source of that infernal thu- Splat!
The Elements of Harmony looked on with green faces and upset stomachs as the giant king timberwolf bounded over a house with a flattened queen stuck to the bottom of its paw.
>XXX<
Author's Note
Well that was a fun (awkward) little experiment in comedy. I promise to never do anything like that again.
A Battle Droid Saves Equestria
Back by Popular Demand - Chapter 2
<<>>>>
The internal notification pulled me out of the cognition cycle I had fallen into since clearing that native village two hours ago. I slowed my pace finally coming to a stop in the middle of a dirt road. I looked behind me and failing to spot the giant wooden life form that had been chasing me I boosted the gain on my audio sensors to attempt and deduce if I had outpaced the creature or if it had given up the chase. I listened for several minutes twisting this way and that but ultimately heard nothing but the various nature around me.
<<>>
The second notification drew my attention and if it wasn't expressly forbidden by my etiquette programming I probably would have started swearing.
In Huttese! I know a good one!
Sadly I would never get to use it. Every time I tried I only got a password entry dialog to disable my parental controls.
With another sigh I set about attempting to discern a way to prevent a total power loss. The village I had left not long ago was a possibility but on reviewing my sensor logs I hadn't spotted anything that looked like electrical equipment. Granted I had not gotten the best of looks but the village was still booted to ‘Plan B’. I looked around for a suitable ‘Plan A’ but the only things nearby were the road I was on and the forest to either side. I scanned the horizon or what I could see of it above the trees and a large structure caught my attention. In the distance, nestled in a mountain pass was a large grey structure that could only be a dam. I zoomed in as far as my optics would allow and was infinitely relieved to spot cables suspended from metal towers leading off into the distance peaking above the trees.
With careful pacing I started towards the hydroelectric dam. My power levels wouldn't hold out for too long and It went against my programming to allow myself to run out of power in the middle of the road. The Droid Army had a bad enough reputation as it was and there was no way I was going to add to it by letting myself look like a doofus.
.XXX.
A figure paced back and forth nervously inside of a small cavern while wearing a cloak that concealed most of the wearer’s body. Only the armored plates strapped to the exterior that forced the garment to conform more closely to the form revealed that the mysterious figure was a pony stallion.
“Bounty hunter Jerico...” Hissed a voice from the shadows in the cave. “The queen will see you now.”
Jerico swallowed and followed after the sound of hoof steps. The cavern was nearly pitch black and the sound won out over his extremely limited vision as a method of navigation.
“Our queen wishes to thank you for your extremely prompt appearance.” Hissed the voice again.
Jericho nodded even though he wasn't even sure if the source of the voice was even looking. “It was no trouble. I was in the area.” He said. A feminine giggling echoed from along one of the walls causing his mane to slowly start standing on end.
“Yesss.” Hissed the voice. “It was most fortuitous that we stumbled across yo- AAH!” The voice was interrupted by a sudden blinding light that filled the tunnel. Jerico blinked the spots out of his vision only to suddenly become aware that he was surrounded by changelings. The bounty hunter took a nervous step back only to suddenly jump forward again when he felt himself back into somepony behind him. A chorus of feminine giggles emanated from a few of the black, insectoid, equines clinging to the walls and ceiling that had him gasping in shock and fear at the sheer number of bodies he was walking within just a few feet of without knowing.
“Aww I think he’s scared.” Said one of them whispering girlishly to one of their neighbors.
Jerico shifted uncomfortably away from the conversation. Whoever was hiring him had better be paying well if he had to put up with this!
“Enough!” A loud voice rang through the tunnel drawing Jerico’s attention. A changeling stallion stood with his hoof on a round patch of florescent green material that spider-webbed across the tunnel and lit the place. “Shade!” He shouted at a irritated looking changeling stallion who had apparently been the one leading him. “The Queen said to bring him right away! All your theatrics are taking too long!”
“But Enigma you know how the Queen loves her entrances!” Shade argued back, stomping his hoof like a little colt throwing a tantrum. “Now you’ve completely ruined the atmosphere!”
Enigma shook his head and sighed. “She isn’t in the mood today, you know that!”
“Well I thought a little bit of normalcy would cheer her up!” Shade replied with a cautious smile.
“Thats your problem! You're a changeling, you're not paid to think!” Enigma shouted back making Shade’s expression to turn into an irritated scowl. “Now bring him before she gets anymore angry!” Enigma walked off in a huff leaving Shade trying to bore through the tunnel floor with his weird compound eyes.
“You don't pay me at all!” He grumbled before taking off down the tunnel at twice the pace as before.
Jericho stood there in shock for a moment before the creepy giggling behind him spurred him to catch up. After just a few seconds Shade led him into a large chamber where the Queen of the changelings herself sat on a pile of uncomfortable looking drones while several others applied bandages to her shell.
Chrysalis turned her head and grinned viciously at Jericho as he came to a stop near her... erm pile...
“Excellent, you are exac-”
HHHREEEEEEECKKKK PHTOOOOO!!!
Chrysalis turned and glared at the changling nurse that was too busy focusing on applying a spit soaked bandage to the queen’s flank to notice. “Ahem...” The queen cleared her throat, drawing the attention of the nurse who backed away sheepishly when she saw the venomous glare Chrysalis was shooting their way.
“-exactly the pony I needed to see!” Chrysalis continued.
“Umm... What exactly can I do for you?” Jericho asked, wishing desperately to hurry and leave as fast as Equinely possible.
“I need you to hunt down the WRETCHED being that humiliated me!” She hissed with a scowl. “Money's no object! I want it delivered to me alive so that I can kill it... slowly.”
Jericho swallowed nervously before pulling out a notepad. “What exactly did this ‘being’ look like?”
“It was tan!” Chrysalis declared imperiously.
“It was... tan?” Jericho said slowly, noting it down. He waited for a few awkward moment for her to continue but she just stared right through him like he wasn't even there. “Is that it?”
“YES THAT'S IT!” Chrysalis seethed, glaring at him like he had kicked her pet grub or something. “ GO! Don’t make me question your competence further!”
Jericho swallowed again before nodding vigorously. “I find it for you right away!”
Chrysalis calmed and relaxed onto her pile of drones. “Good... Now be gone with you.”
Jericho turned and bolted out of there as fast as his hooves could carry him.
.XXX.
Author's Note
So ya'know that promise I made last chapter where I said that I would never do this again?
I lied.
A Battle Droid Saves Equestria
.XXX. >>
The cheery notification chirped in my sensory feed as I peeled myself from the me shaped dent in the ground. The world was totally black and for a moment I suspected my visual sensors to be malfunctioning. I used the soiled sponge I was still holding (for some reason) to attempt and discern if there was something blocking my vision. After a few scrubs I began to be able to see again though the input was highly blurred and I got the distinct feeling I should feel disgusted. To my logic processor’s eternal confusion.
Once I could see at a minimally acceptable level I took a look around. The section of the dam I had previously been in was now engulfed in a raging inferno with a large amount of thick black soot visible through a shattered window. My logic processor provided a solution that while far fetched seemed to be the only plausible solution. I had been thrown out the window by an explosion and somehow emerged fully functional. I groaned and inspected myself and sure enough my front was now completely blackened with excess carbon.
“Ugh that's going to stick in my servos I just know it...”
My complaining now no longer priority number one I looked around the area to determine the best way to execute priority number two: Prevent Unnecessary Destruction Via Fire, Structural Collapse, Explosions, Angry Natives, Etc.
I turned to locate the door I had entered through and found that it had been obscured by burning debris. The whole place was not likely to survive the next few hours so an alternate source of power would have to be found. The town that I had fled from earlier seemed to be a good candidate for finding further power sources (as I had determined earlier), either that or finding transport to said power sources. Now all that was left to do was ensure that I was not directly tied to the destruction of the dam in order to make appearing in a public location without arousing a military or law enforcement response easier.
Just as I took my first step back towards the town I spotted something in the distance, several natives were approaching rapidly, likely an emergency response team or law enforcement. I contemplated deviating in order to avoid encountering them but my earlier experiences with the forests on this planet made me quickly disregard that option.
An alternative course would have to be implemented.
.XXX.
Jericho panted heavily as he galloped towards the distant fire, the six mares from town hot on his hooves. Normally he would disregard the threat a few young mares could pose but after getting his flank handed to him by the pony with the candy cutiemark earlier there was no way he was going to make that kind of assumption again. He’d even had to dodge a tree trunk or two tossed by the purple one chasing him, and that rainbow one! He shuddered as he remembered the constant dodging he had been forced to do at the beginning of the chase, thankfully she’d seemed to have gotten tired. Seriously what in tartarus were they feeding the mares in this place!
His pounding hooves quickly ate up the distance and he quickly found himself nearing the burning dam. He’d almost reached it when something he spied out of the corner of his eye made him lock his legs and skid to a stop. He took a few steps closer and scrutinized the strange looking bush on the side of the road. It was... for a lack of better term, bushy and was held several feet off the ground by a pair of skinny trunks that he could’ve sworn he saw moving a moment ago. His eyes narrowed and taking a glance around to make sure nopony would hear him shouting at a shrub just in case it really was just a plant.
“Hey I know you're there, come out peacefully or I will have to use force!"
The plant remained motionless for several seconds and just as Jericho was about to give it up and keep going...
“I don't know what you're talking about, I’m a bush.”
Jericho blinked as he stared, stunned at the sheer stupidity of whatever kind of creature it was. After a few seconds of just gawking at it he lit the horn hidden under his cloak and a salmon colored aura ripped the leaves away from the ‘hidden’ creature. “I don't have time for your games! You’re coming with me!”
The strange creature looked at him and scratched its smallish bird-like head making a loud series of metallic sounding scraping noises. “No I’m not.” it said after a moment.
Jericho could feel his eye starting to cramp up. If he wasn't careful his twitch was going to come back and that had taken ages to get rid of. “Yes... you... are...”
It seemed to ponder something before clicking the rectangular claws on one of it’s appendages. “Me no spraken de Basiiiic.” It said shrugging and making to walk off.
Jericho grit his teeth and hopped in front of it. “Horse apples I just heard you speak plain equestrian!”
It looked at him for a moment, exaggeratingly tilting its head. “Eh... Parelevu Huttese?”
Jericho growled in frustration before snatching up the strange thing in his aura. “Ha! What now you stupid... whatever you are!”
The creature seemed confused for a moment before it pointed a shaky limb in his direction and squawked “Jedi!”
Jericho just snorted and shook his head. “Might as well give up the game there, I have you and there's no way you’re getting away now! You think you can fool me by pretending to not speak equestrian! Well HA! Queen Chrysalis is paying me a lot of money to bring you to her so let's get going shall we?” He turned around with his head held high, proud to have made another successful capture... only to meet six pairs of very upset looking eyes. Not that anypony could see under his cloak but Jericho’s ears folded back and he adopted a very nervous looking grin. “Oh Hello girls, fancy meeting you here.”
The purple one snorted and took a menacing step forward. Her horn lit up and Jericho very quickly found his aura overpowered. She gently lowered the skinny being to the ground and returned her angry gaze to him. “Friend huh?”
Jericho swallowed his throat going dry at the burning glare from all six mares. “S-s-sure.” He stuttered.
The orange mare with the hat stepped forward. “Ahem... ‘Queen Chrysalis is paying me a lot of money to bring you to her so let's get going shall we?’” She said in a sickly sweet tone.
Jericho’s eyes narrowed as he began mentally preparing his long list of attack spells. It would have to take out the purple one first, she was obviously the leader and the magical power house, then the rainbow pegasus followed by- A metal fist clocked him in the jaw and he fell into the dirt, stunned by the blow. The six mares looked over to the blackened thin creature he had been trying to abduct with wide-eyed gaping expressions.
It scratched its head, returning their look with the blank mask that was it’s face. “What?” It said somehow looking confused. “He deserved it...”
Author's Note
Another chapter for your viewing pleasure. Hope this was as good as the last few. I am not 100% sure ANY of these are funny as I find it kind of impossible to laugh at my own jokes. Feedback is welcome!
A Battle Droid Saves Equestria
.XXX.
“This is all your fault.”
“No this is your fault.”
“Your fault.”
“Yours...”
I believe that if I was capable of it I would currently be overwhelmed with frustration. I have encountered many organics in the few years since I was manufactured and the cloaked being I was now restrained next to was rapidly becoming one of the worst. I mean, how exactly was him being apprehended while attempting to capitalize on the bounty this ‘Chrysalis’ put on me my fault exactly? What's more, my own capture was totally his fault for pretending to be a Jedi! It is fairly obvious now that he is merely some kind of force using bounty hunter but at the time my programming had tagged him for elimination, unfortunately I was not really built to fight hand to hand so my attempts to neutralize him were unsuccessful. Even more unfortunate was my current captors reaction to my repeated attempts to eliminate him, tieing me up here to keep us from ‘fighting’. Now we were both restrained within this hollowed out tree where the natives had taken us.
“You!”
“No you.”
“YOU!”
“No you.”
“FOR LOVE OF CELESTIA SHUT YOUR TRAPS!” The orange one had apparently lost her patience.
“ONE MORE WORD OUTTA EITHER AH Y'ALL AND I’LL CLOBBER THE BOTH AH YAS!”
I quickly disabled my vocalizer, I already had several areas of minor damage to my exterior and I did not want to add more dents to my collection. The cloaked organic next to me was apparently not as wise as he seemed to take offense to the threat.
“WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME YOU-” SMACK!
That looked like it stung...
.XXX.
Now that the cloaked bounty hunter was drooling all over himself in his unconscious state and our captors seemed to have accepted my cooperation at face value, I took a moment to review the current situation. I was currently a single OOM-B1 battle droid designation H-883, having made contact with what appeared to be a large number of unknown alien beings, primitive but also force using. I was beyond any hope of contact with any CIS units as demonstrated by my almost constant attempts at communication with no response. I possessed limited resources including at this time:
1x B1-series Droid
There had to be some sort of protocol for this situation or at least for first contacts in general. I did a quick search of my memory banks and was surprised to come up empty. I performed the search again just to be thorough and again the search returned no matching parameters. I paused to think for several long milliseconds before deciding to manually search all received directives, now lets see...
Directive 1: Follow any order given by CIS personnel. - Factory Default Command
.XXX.
Directive 87: Eliminate force users after confirmed affiliation with group entity “Jedi” or after hostilities confirmed - Factory Default Command
Directive 88: In case of emergency break glass - Factory Default Command
.XXX.
Directive 513: In order to prevent sudden unplanned disassembly when serving in close proximity to one ‘Gen. Grievous’ attempt to display a maximum amount of unit competency. If processor strain occurs while doing so maintenance will accept this directive as valid cause for damage. - Field Tech 687-A-34
Directive 514: Anymore damage caused to planetary landing vehicles by droids being sucked though air intakes will result in group reprimands. This should not still be happening, how many times do we have to program you morons not to stand in front of running turbines! - Trade Federation Engineers Union
Directive 515: Go to the shop on the corner and pick up the laundry then go to the convenience store on 987th and get some blue milk. - Maintenance Tech 7981-H-12 (Note: Delete this before sending the droid back to active duty!)
.XXX.
Finally I found it! It has taken nearly six minutes of searching my memory but I’ve finally found it!
Directive 1098: First Contact Protocols.
{Please write these before this batch of droids ship would you, I don’t have the time.}
{Dammit Allan! We don’t exist to do your job for you, get your work in on time or I’m reporting you to the CO.}
{Oh come on Danny! I promised you I’d bring extra corellian nectar to the barbecue this weekend!}
{Yes you did and I agreed... the first three times you did this but this has gone far enough. Do your own work on time or I’m reporting you.}
{Fine Danny see if I ever do you a favor again!}
...Oh you festering sacks of- /Restricted Content/
<>
[]____________________________
.XXX.
“Hey um... Twilight...” Rainbow Dash poked her long time friend in the flank as she slowly shuffled backwards nervously staring at the tan thing.
“What is it Rainbow? I’m almost done with this letter to the princess can it wait a moment?”
“I don't think so...” Rainbow took off into a low hover watching as the weird skinny thing Chrysalis was after rolled around on the floor having some kind of conniption. “That thing is really freaking out!”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “I would appreciate it if you didn't call them a ‘thing’ we might not know what they are yet but that's no excuse to... be...” Twilight trailed off as she turned to watch the thing repeatedly bang it’s strange head into the floor.
“Hey I thought I told you to be quiet!” Applejack chimed in as it started to babble.
“My existence is a lie! The government is lame! I’m a disposable piece of hardware not even fit to give proper orders to! I’ve spent the last six months scrubbing god knows what off the bottom of animal cages!"
“Err-” Twilight joined Rainbow in backing up nervously. “Hey I’m sure it’s not that-”
“I was built to be a mindless puppet and retrofitted into an idiot because my makers were too cheap to spring for decent programmers! I don’t even have protocols to tell me how to act in this situation! What do I DO!?”
Twilight shared nervous glances with the rest of her friends before lighting her horn.
“Oh good, I’m glad you have some idea what to do. I was afraid-” Rarity began before trailing off when a stream of pillows suddenly buried the hysterical creature. With a blank look the mare turned to Twilight. “Really? That's your solution?”
Twilight blushed and looked away sheepishly. “It's only temporary until the princess gets here then she can deal with it.”
AJ shared a skeptical look with Rainbow Dash. “Ah didn't think you was one to pass the buck like that Twi.”
Twilight frowned and snorted at her friends. “Well excuse me, you want to try dealing with some kind of hysterical unknown creature?”
“Hey there grumpy gus, maybe we could cheer him up with a party!” Pinkie offered, throwing a bit of confetti into the air as she threw her hooves up.
“Pinkie we don't even know if it’s a ‘him’” Twilight replied, hoof pressing between her eyes to ease the building migraine.
Pinkie grinned and hopped onto the pile of pillows where a muffled screaming could still be heard. “Of course its a ‘him’ because it sure isn't a ‘she’!”
The other mares shared a look before AJ shrugged. “She’s got a point.”
“UGH!”
.XXX.
Author's Note
More meat for the grinder...
A Battle Droid Saves Equestria
.XXX.
With my new goal set firmly in my RAM, my focus turned toward the room full of stunned quadrupeds looking at me like a Droideka looks at a newly installed staircase.
“Excuse me?” I turned my photoreceptors towards the voice of the quadruped designated ‘Princess’ who was apparently done with whatever grooming she had been attempting earlier. “Did I just hear you correctly? You wish for my kingdom to join your confederacy?”
Chances of State Official Rising...
“Humble Correction: I wish for your planet to join the Confederacy.” I replied... I suddenly felt the need to vibrate my frame in a manner approximating a shiver. Why did I suddenly feel so cold? Droids couldn't feel temperature outside of temperature sensors, and besides the thermal readings from my immediate surroundings matched up with ideal operating conditions. Did I perhaps trespass unknowingly on the signature style of a being far superior to myself, marking me through some sort of contrived sense of cosmic justice to be gruesomely disassembled at some point in the future?
Nah that couldn't be it...
‘Princess’ opened her mouth, likely to reject the notion I had put forward by its mere mention but I help up a manipulator arm to signal that I had one more thing to say. “I am not yet ready to make an attempt at the ‘pitch’ as many creatures call it.” The group took a small step backwards, both wary and confused. My social subroutines easily deduced that I would likely require more finesse in order to prevent the current situation from deteriorating any further.
I had just the thing...
[Execute Simulation: Bonteri.exe]
I lifted my manipulator arms and made a gesture commonly used by the late senator to calm many biological entities. “I ask only that you reserve your judgement and attempt not to form conscious or unconscious bias toward the idea so that I may gather information about your planetary culture and put forward a well researched and relevant proposal.”
I think my tactic both won and lost me some ‘points’ with the various beings present. ‘Princess’ was looking thoughtful so I assumed my tactic to have been effective. The one known as ‘Rainbow Dash, a possible relative of ‘Princess’ looked like she was going to be physically ill. Something I said however seemed to have been greatly enjoyed by the purple one, she stared up at me with a smile almost as wide and only half as deranged as ‘Pinkie Pie’s’.
“So what is it exactly you wish to do?” ‘Princess’ finally replied after several long moments of silence.
My processor raced with predictions and possible permutations of political intrigue and circumstance, the simulation of senator Bonteri was so far shaping up to be a hefty drain on my systems but it had yet to steer me wrong so I plucked the phrases with the best chances of success from the growing list of possible responses. “I simply wish to visit the various countries on your world, assuming you have yet to reach planetary unification...” I paused for a moment until a nod from ‘Princess’ confirmed that prediction. “There I will attempt to determine what those on this planet consider culturally acceptable and the limitations of your tolerance for ‘foreign normalities’. Afterwards I will return to each country and make a ‘pitch’ in an attempt to convince the local governments that membership in the Confederacy of Independant Systems is an opportunity they can scarcely afford to miss out on.”
The gathered quadrupeds again had various reactions to my words. The one known as ‘Princess was nodding along with a serene expression while the purple one seemed to be making an odd expression consisting of wide eyes, wide grin, and some sort of dance that were I anywhere else in the galaxy I would attribute to a creature badly needing to relieve itself. The white one seemed to have taken up a pad of paper and was scribbling on it while the orange one seemed to be constantly checking the clock like it really wanted to be elsewhere. As for the two I actually knew the designations for, the one known as ‘Dashy’ had procured a fluffy white hover chair from somewhere and was napping on it while the one known as ‘Pinkie’ was performing a similar ‘dance’ to the purple one but had apparently obtained some repulsors from somewhere because the amount of time it was spending in the air was impossible otherwise.
“I think that is an excellent idea.” The one known as ‘Princess’ finally spoke up. “Traveling around the world will be a great opportunity for you learn many lessons about the beings who live on our world. You may even find yourself learning a bit about Friendship.”
I could practically hear the capital F in that last sentence. I strained my processors to determine why she would have place extra emphasis on that word but came up with nothing.
What could possibly be so special about a bond of camaraderie between two organics?
‘Princess was smiling now and nodding along to her own words. “In fact perhaps my faithful student would like to assist you in this endeavor?”
It was then that I witnessed what could only be described as heartbreak come over the purple one. “I’m sorry princess.” She said with a twitch and a sad shake of her head. “I just accepted the official appointment from Mayor Mare to be Ponyville’s librarian, I can't just leave my new job without warning for so long after I just got it...”
‘Princess’ frowned and looked around the room and the rest of the ponies all responded with various forms of ‘no’. She seemed lost in thought for a moment before she spotted the bound bounty hunter behind me. “Ah, this will have to do then.” her horn glowed and she did some force things, levitating the binds off and waking him.
“Huh? No mommy I didn't eat the last bonbon...” He muttered drowsily as he was lifted into the air. He let out a loud snore and seemed to fall asleep again. Frowning ‘Princess’ gave him a shake with her force. “Huh, wassat?”
He looked up at ‘Princess and grew very still, I couldn't tell through the cloak but he had either fallen asleep again or was staring down ‘Princess’ like frightened vermin stare down a predator “Good morning My Little Pony... according to some very trustworthy testimony I have received, you have been accused of treason against the crown.”
“What?”
‘Princess” nodded gravely. “Yes, conspiring with the enemies of Equestria is a sentence punishable by imprisonment, banishment, or imprisonment in the location you have been banished to.
“What!?”
“Now...” Princess paused dramatically, “I might decide to be lenient if you could assist me in a small matter. I require an escort for the Ambassador here.” She gestured to me with the tip a wing.
“What!?”
“He will be traveling around the world in order to learn as much as possible, you will protect him and assist him in this...” Her force seemed to tighten around him as Princess’ eyes grew hard and fearsome.” and if anything happens to him, I will be quite upset with you.”
The poor bounty hunter looked as if he might decide to wet himself but on the plus side I finally think I have enough evidence to confirm ‘Princess’ is not only a princess but she is Princess Princess, princess of whatever country we happen to be in.
Just as the floating cloaked bounty hunter was about to respond the door behind the group of quadrupeds burst open and in stepped another wearing archaic looking golden armor. “Princess!” he shouted as he barged into the room. “We just received word, the Crystal Empire has returned!”
“WHAT!?”
.XXX.
Author's Note
I dont know about the humor this time, its a bit off I think. Also sorry for how long that took, life has decided my reproductive organs make for an excelent target for its jackhammer.
A Battle Droid Saves Equestria
.XXX.
“Are you going to read those or just flip through them?”
I sat another book on the pile next to me much to the consternation of the purple pony designated as ‘Twilight Sparkle’. I had noticed her increasing agitation at my rate of input almost from the moment she supplied me with these incredibly inefficient data storage mediums but she had resisted mentioning it until now. Organics could be so strange sometimes...
“But I am reading them.” I replied.
Unfortunately since deactivating the Bonteri simulation my social abilities had suffered and this was easily seen in how ‘Twilight Sparkle’s’ agitation continued to grow even with my earnest attempts at defusing it. I was beginning to spend an elevated amount of processor runtime thinking about it and what I was doing wrong but continued to come up short. Reactivating the the Bonteri simulation was an option but one I was loathe to use. After the conclusion of the first successful deployment of the personality emulators the shortcomings were made obvious. Increased processor temperature beyond normal thermal dissipation capabilities, increased power cell useage, and a general confusion as the memories written to permanent storage were corrupt and fragmented resulting in only the barest understanding of my own actions.
Shifting my attention to the rest of the natives designation ‘Ponies’ all I received was helpless shrugs and amused looks. If I could not receive any aid in diffusing the situation I highly doubt ‘Twilight Sparkle’ would survive the entire remainder of the train journey to this ‘Crystal Empire’.
As I processed possible solutions Twilight floated one of the books I had piled up next to me over to her with her force...ness... “Ok, If you have read this and completely understand the information inside... what’s on page two hundred and sixty seven paragraph one, line three?” Twilight laid out simple challenge, her facial expression changing to one I could only label as ‘Pony-Smug1’.
I paused for a microsecond as my hard drive recalled the information. “The migration pattern of the northern speckled goose was highly disrupted by the disappearance of the Crystal Empire and resulted in a rapid decline in population until Pony correction in the twenty fourth year of the glorious reign of Princess Celestia afterward population numbers stabilized-”
Twilight frowned, and swapped books for another in the pile. “Page one hundred fifty two, paragraph thirteen, line one.”
My hard drive clicked again and the information was recalled. “Due to difficulty in heating crystalline dwellings Ponies of the Crystal Empire often employed magical means to-”
She swapped the books again, her expression morphing into a snarl. “Page two paragraph one, line one!”
“The FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progre-”
Twilight snapped the book closed and glared at me until she sighed and slumped in her seat. “Well I guess you can read that fast. I don’t know how but you can... It’s just like Pinkie sense.” She muttered massaging her temples with her hooves. “Just remember it's just like Pinkie sense and everything will be fine.”
I looked around at the other ponies present and my confusion continued to grow as I spotted their attempts to suppress laughter. Attempts that lasted for a grand total of six point three seconds before they failed and they ‘giggled’. My processor temp spiked as Twilight Sparkle joined in and dashed all of my social projections. How was laughing at her making her relax! This makes no sense!
<>
I jerked in my seat as the message came through my comms. It was an extremely archaic radio signal from a completely unknown source and my processor kicked into high gear as I attempted to analyze it. The language was unlike anything I recalled having been seen in my entire service history it almost appeared to be-
<>>>>
.XXX.
Chrysalis moaned in delight as one of her attendants dried her main with a soft and fluffy towel. Fresh from the bath she flopped onto her cozy bed and reveled in the feeling of finally being free of injuries. She felt good, better than good she felt great! In fact the only thing that could make her relaxed bliss even better would be if that pony bounty hunter walked into the room with her prey at this very moment! She turned her head toward the tunnel entrance expectantly but no pony came with her prize. She pouted and buried her head under her comforter but she wasn't too disappointed, she hadn't really expected the fanciful thought to truly come into being just because she wanted it to.
“E-excuse me, my queen?” A hesitant voice emerged from the tunnel entrance.
Chrysalis poked her head out from under the blanket cocoon she had wrapped herself in and spied a nervous looking changeling fidgeting in her doorway as her bath attendant slipped by to leave. The queen grinned, a smile full of sharp and terrible fangs. “Come in Flitter, no need to buzz around my door.”
Flitter swallowed and took a few hesitant steps into the room until she was close enough to levitate a roll of parchment that had gone unnoticed over to the queen. “News from the infiltrators you sent to tail the bounty hunter my queen.” Flitter muttered with a pronounced shiver.
Chrysalis frowned, a rolled bit of parchment was not the usual way her infiltrators sent their reports... With a flash of green magic she snatched up the parchment and opened it to read it’s contents. Flitter edged closer and closer to the door with shaking knees as Chrysalis finished her reading and incinerated the paper with a flair of magic.
Chrysalis stared at the floor with a thoughtful frown until her magic relit and snatched up the shaking Flitter. Flitter fully expected to be ripped into little chunks in a fit of pique but was surprised by being pulled into the queen’s blanket cocoon instead. Chrysalis’ forelegs wrapped around her captive as she continued to stare into the floor. Flitter began to relax as she was pressed up against the still wet Chrysalis, perhaps all her queen needed was a bit of comfort? That idea died a swift death as the queen’s grip suddenly tightened around her neck and Flitter felt the breath being choked from her lungs. “Hrk!”
“The dread king Sombra has returned.” Chrysalis muttered absentmindedly as Flitter flailed in her grasp. Her eyes looked down at her struggling subordinate and finally released her hold. Flitter fell to the bed with a deep gasp for air and lie still except for a rapid panting. Chrysalis shook her head and loomed over Flitter, stamping either hoof down on either side of Flitter’s head making the poor damp changeling shiver in fear. “Do you have any idea what this means!?”
The room shook with the force of the queen’s voice and a terrified Flitter shivered.
“My Queen! We heard you shouting, is anything wro-” The soldier that had burst into the room and froze at the sight of his Queen looming over one of her advisors on the bed, both covered in fine droplets of moisture and out of breath.
“I... I’ll... Just come back later...”
Chrysalis’ baleful glare followed him as he quickly vacated the room. With a sigh Chrysalis got up to trot back and forth as she mulled over the news.
“So... What exactly is so bad? Won't Celestia deal with the problem like she always does?” Flitter muttered as she climbed down from the too large bed and backed all the way to the corner of the room.
“Certainly.” Chrysalis answered, strangely even tempered and not looking like she was about to pull someling’s head off... for once. “But what almost nopony remembers is the huge toll in lives Sombra reaped from the changelings of his time. Oh they remember he had a huge army of enslaved ponies but of course they would forget what that army was being used on.”
And now she was right back to being angry...
If Flitter was a brave changeling she might have suggested her queen had some kind of disorder...
Flitter was not a brave changeling.
“But what do we DO?” She replied instead, that's it Flitter! Focus the anger on somepony else, you might survive this yet!
“Please take care of things here for me will you? I’m going out...”
.XXX.
Jerico held up a hoof and yawned obnoxiously loudly as the rainbow pegasus he sat across from shot him a death glare. Grinning he shot her a taunting little wink before he went back to staring out the window at the endless tracks of snow. The train ride had quickly grown boring as his target... apparently named H-883... sat surrounded by giggly young mares as they watched him read books at a speed that reminded him of when he used to draw little flip cartoons in the margins of his school books... all except for the one across from him who decided to take it upon herself to ‘make sure he didn't make trouble.’
“HI!”
“GAH!”
Jericho flopped onto the floor of the train car as he ~~flailed uselessly~~ used some of his super bounty hunter combat training to dive to the floor in case of surprise attack.
“What are you doing on the floor silly?” The infuriatingly sweet voice said as it’s over peered down at him.
Jericho looked around the car at the rest of the occupants all but the strange alien robot were looking at him now, the rainbow one even trying, and failing, to hide a snicker. He groaned and stood up before muttering ‘Nothing’ and moving to return to his seat.
But the Pink One was not finished with him yet.
She shoved her face into his, forcing him to take a startled step back. “Hi there! My name is Pinkie Pie and I just realized you managed to escape from Ponyville without a welcome party!” Her eyes seemed to go a little glassy and her grin hardened into something far less welcoming. “And nopony escapes from Pinkie Pie! ”
Jericho backed into the seat on the opposite side of the car as the sinister creature bore down on him. His hackles rose as he contemplated which take down move to use on the crazed mare as she took slow menacing steps towards him.
Then when all seemed lost H-883 stood up, rushed heroically towards the monster with a powerful and swift stride before walking right past, opening the door at the end of the car, and jumped off the train and into a snowbank...
Everypony on the train watched the spot the strange robot had vanished from with gaping expressions. Jericho, recovering first cackled at his perfect opportunity, stood up and performed a mocking salute to the rest of the car- “Sorry girls, orders are orders!” -before repeating the crazy robots actions, landing head first in a snowbank.
.XXX.
Author's Note
Huge delays, short chapters, and dead memes, oh my!
A Battle Droid Saves Equestria
.XXX.
<<>>
This was bad.
<<>>>>
This was very bad.
I yanked on the steel hatch that sealed off the innards of the dam. The slightly out of place looking door was jammed shut with a layer of rust so thick it was like the door was trying out a new hair style. I braced my leg against the wall and pulled with every bit of force my dangerously underpowered servos could muster but only accomplished slipping and launching myself into the dirt.
Didn't these creatures know how to properly maintain their infrastructure? Such a disregard for a vital installation like the dam was almost unthinkable to my logic processor.
Inside was worse than anticipated.
All around me defunct machines lay in hasty piles and broken heaps. It was obvious now why the dam was so poorly maintained; It was completely defunct!
After several minutes of searching my visual sensors finally spotted something more promising than the rest. In the center of the space lay a large mint green casing that was covered in caution tape, warning signs and various gruesome, yet sanitized to the point of being almost ‘cutesy’ depictions of natives dying to electrocution, drowning, dismemberment, bifurcation, crushing, and defenestration... to name a few. Many beings in the galaxy had a poor opinion of the Droid Army and even more so the OOM series battle droids in particular.
But I could recognise the main turbine of a power station when I saw one.
.XXX.
Seven friends sat in a booth ruminating on the day’s events and the ultimate fate of their unknown savior in particular.
“Oh I hope those mean old changelings didn't hurt that poor puppy.” Whispered Fluttershy.
Applejack who was sipping on a milkshake on the other side of the table nearly choked. “Seriously?” The country mare asked with an eyebrow climbing to hide behind the rim of her hat. “Changelings Invade Ponyville, trap us all in balls of goo and had everypony dead tah rights only to be stopped by some critter ticking off a king timberwolf so bad that it chased it all the way to town and the timberwolf is what you're worried about?”
“And that goo went everywhere.” Rarity pipped in. “Everywhere .”
“Well... I mean... if...” Fluttershy sank lower and lower until she vanished under the table. The other five ponies and one dragon rolled their eyes and went back to their drinks.
“I wonder about whatever it was that timberwolf was chasing though.” Twilight pipped in between slurping her almost empty shake and gazing out the window as if looking for something.
“Now don't you start Twi.” Applejack pointed a hoof at her. “It’s over and done with and wasn't any ah our business tah begin with. We all know how you get when you get into one ah your moods and Ah for one have had enough excitement fer one day!”
Twilight blushed and fiddled her hooves. Just as she was about to reply the door to Sugarcube Corner opened with a jingle and admitted a pony in a voluminous cloak. Said pony was walking with a limp and rubbing the side of their face with a hoof as they slinked over to a booth. As they passed Twilight overheard the mystery pony mumbling something about “Why would a mare with candy for a cutie mark know ponjutsu?” before taking a seat and signaling for service.
Rainbow Dash must have overheard it aswell cause she narrowed her eyes and slowly drifted in the direction of the muttering pony. Looking over his shoulder Rainbow could see a short list of names all crossed out. “Hey.” Rainbow said, finally addressing the mystery pony she was spying on.
“Oh great.” The pony replied. “I’ll have a deluxe cookies and cream milkshake with nuts, extra chocolate sauce and an extra wafer if you please.”
“Hey I’m not-” Rainbow began before her vision was suddenly filled with pink.
Pinkie Pie appeared from out of nowhere with the pony’s order, hoofing onto the table. “That’ll be three bits~” Pinkie sang.
The pony slid the coins onto the table and took his shake, raising his glass to salute Pinkie before sipping at it. “Ah, just what I needed.”
Rainbow’s eye twitched but a deep breath let her relax enough to regain her train of thought “Hey!” She said hovering down until she sat opposite the cloaked stranger. “What do you know about what happened today?”
“Hmm?” The stallion muttered, straw still held in his lips. “Oh uh, something with changelings? Right? I was a bit occupied worrying about my friend.” The stranger said smoothy. “You wouldn't have happened to see where they went would you?” He flipped to another page in his notebook. “They are ah, tan...thing.”
The conversation had quickly caught the rest of the mares’ attentions. “Wait.” Twilight said, teleporting herself out of her seat and next to the table. “You mean you know the creature the timberwolf was chasing?”
‘Sure sure, old pals, travel around a lot, keep to ourselves.” The stallion said, leaning back a little and propping up his head on a hoof in a rather blatant effort to appear casual. “Now, you happen to see which way they went?”
“What exactly are they?” Twilight continued, ignoring the stallion’s question. “I don't remember ever seeing anything that looked like that in any of my books.”
“Ah... They’re... a... thing. Ya’know didn't talk much about themselves... Now about that direction-”
“Sorry about Twilight stranger, she can get a little... carried away.” Applejack said as she pulled Twilight away from the table. “As fer your friend ah think ah saw them heading up the road to the old dam.”
“The dam you say?” The stallion said, quickly getting up and leaving his half finished shake. “Well it was a lovely chat but I better-”
Just as the mystery stallion was about to make his way out the door it flew open with a loud bang, startling everypony present.
“Twilight!” Roseluck barrelled into the bakery in a panic. “Twilight come quick there’s something on fire!”
The six mares, and a dragon shared glances before bolting out the door, quickly being followed by the cloaked stallion. Outside all appeared normal until Roseluck pointed them at the old set of power lines that led from the town all the way to the damn. All along the distance the transformers were shooting fountains of red sparks into the sky while the electrical cables danced around like angry, electrified, eels. Off in the distance a huge pillar of smoke rose from the dam’s location, blotting out the evening sun and casting shadows over all of Ponyville.
Almost as one the six mares turned angry looks to the cloaked stranger.
The stallion backed up a few steps chuckling nervously. “heh heh, umm... I really didn't have anything to do with this.”
The mares shared a glance with each other before Applejack pulled out her rope and they took a menacing step towards him.
The stallion backed up further before bolting in the direction of the smoke. “Uh... GOTTAGOBYE!”
Author's Note
I'm on fire !
...Or maybe thats H-883...
Who knows?
A Battle Droid Saves Equestria
.XXX.
When I finally managed to purge my circuits of the cascade of logic errors I found myself at the bottom of a large pile of stuffed cloth sacks. I supposed that it was probably a method utilized by the natives to prevent me from giving myself a dent... well it was better than packing peanuts at least...
...The Horror...
...Anyway, had I been capable of it I imagine I would have felt genuinely grateful for their interest in my well being. Concern for a Battle Droid is such a rarity in the galaxy these days. Curious of what my captors were doing I boosted the gain on my audio sensors to attempt and determine what was going on outside of my cloth sack fortification.
“-and then I said ‘Oatmeal!? Are you crazy!?’”
Had I a face capable of expressing thoughtfulness and confusion I would have done so harder than I had ever expressed anything before. Deleting that particular logic string before it causes my logic processor to seize... again... I returned to listening to the natives.
“Yeah huh, sure Pinkie...” Came the voice of the Prismatic One. “Hey that thing has stopped squirming around, you think it’s calmed down?”
“That or Twilight smothered it~” The Pink One, designation: Pinkie, replied in a melodious tone of voice.
There was a long stretch of silence where I could only envision some form of nonverbal communication was taking place. I would need to pay closer attention to their social interactions, they obviously had a complex culture incorporating both spoken and nonverbal means of communicating. Perhaps some form of body language? My processors wondered for a moment if I would finally get to put that ‘Interpretive Dance’ software to use...
“Holy- PINKIE! That was dark even for you!” The voice of the Prismatic One replied, obviously distressed in some manner.
“Oh Dashie just wait till I get on a roll with the gallows humor! You’ll laugh so hard you’ll lose your head!” Pinkie replied shortly before there was the sound of a groan from The Prismatic One.
“Pinkie! Cut the dark jokes, if the girls find out it’s Baltimare all over again! We only barely convinced them we were just trying to plan something for Nightmare Night!” The Prismatic One designation: Dashie appeared to be somewhat disturbed over the behavior of Pinkie. Was Pinkie perhaps mentally challenged in some potentially dangerous manner the two of them were attempting to conceal?
“Ok Dashie I’ll cut it out~” Pinkie ‘sang’ in reply just before a nearby door squeaked open and the sound of many four legged creatures entered the room.
“Princess!” Dashie shouted, sounding more than a little nervous. I could hear her fidgeting even over the sound of the rest of the beings in the room. “We caught a thing!” She blurted awkwardly.
“A thing?” A much deeper and all around more mature sounding female answered.
...Wait a second... The rest of these individuals are fully grown right? I didn't just get captured by this species’ version of teenagers did I? If any of the other unit finds out about that I'll be the laughing stock of the droid army! ...I had better just edit that bit of memory to be safe...
Let's see...
Twenty well armed commandos...
Heavy vehicle support...
Super dangerous force users...
...Perfect!
Now where was I?
“-ing a while ago, we think it may have calmed down.”
“Or suffocated-”
Thump
“Ouch!”
One of the pillows blocking my visual sensors was lifted out of the way by a golden force thing and revealed the same six individuals I was captured by with the addition of one additional being.
Tentative Designation: Princess
[Alert: Potential Unaligned Head Of State, Obtain Clarification.]
I sat up as well as the binding allowed and focused my view on the new creature. It was easily an estimated 2.2 times my own mass and possessed a pale coat of fur with portions that resembled Dashie’s coloration, who was also tagged as a potential VIP based on the probability of family relations. “Pardon me but are you the leader?”
The one known as Princess looked surprised at my speech and was beginning to reply when there was a loud thump next to the still open door. All at once every individual in the room aside from the still unconscious bounty hunter turned to look at the stunned purple, bipedal, reptile that had dropped a bag filled with colorful paper pamphlets. Some of them had titles such as “Atomo The Destroyer” and Equestribot: Menace From Beyond”
Now B1’s might not have the best reputation but I could put a cultural two and a cultural two together and get a cultural four. “This isn’t going to go well, is it?”
.XXX.
“THE PLANET IS DOOMED RUN FOR IT!” Twilight, the Princess and the five other ponies in the room watched with raised eyebrows and concerned looks as Spike nearly ripped the front door right off it’s hinges in his rush to escape. “THE ROBOT OVERLORDS HAVE COME! THE ROBOT OVERLORDS HAVE COME!”
The Princess and the five other ponies slowly turned to look at Twilight, questions obvious in their eyes. Twilight blushed but said nothing, instead scooping up the comics and glancing over the titles and cover art depicting terrible metal monsters burning down some nondescript city with an unconscious mare or two in their metal claws. Her eyes moved over the images, then over to their current prisoner, then over the images again, back and forth. The rest of the ponies shared confused glances but remained otherwise silent until Twilight made up her mind. “Huh, so it is a robot...”
.XXX.
...
...
...
“CELESTIA’S BEARD IT'S A ROBOT!”
The conscious native creatures in the room gasped dramatically, all except for the one designated ‘Princess’ who was busy frowning and rubbing her chin with one of her forelimbs.
I looked around at the various individuals straining my logic processor trying to come up with something I could say to prevent any unnecessary tribulation. Their shock gave me a little time to process the information I had gathered about their culture and that was a depressingly short text document. The Confederacy of Independent Systems had never before entered into a contact situation with so little information, by my hasty (and likely somewhat inaccurate) estimations there was only a 2.6% chance of successfully integrating them into the CIS without further information.
...
...
...
ThoughtTrian.exe has stopped working and must restart, we apologize for this inconvenience.
...
THAT'S IT!
By looking at the past actions of the leaders of the CIS I could easily deduce a course of action for myself! I would have an objective! I imagine that had I been capable of it my circuits would be bursting with glee at the prospect of no longer being utterly aimless.
My processor temp began to crawl upward as I pondered how exactly to go about examining previous operations I had knowledge of and how best to apply their lessons to my current situation.
I would need to run simulations.
I organized the after action reports and other operations data into categories based on who was in overall command and created a simulation program for each. The program in question’s purpose was twofold, first it would gather and correlate data on each operation to determine the overall goal of the CIS and second simulate each commander’s leadership style to determine which behavioral mannerisms held the greatest chance of success.
Running Simulations.
Dooku...
Ventris...
Grevious...
Durd...
Kleeve...
Loathsom...
Tamson...
Tuuk...
.XXX.
After taking a few deep breaths to calm down Twilight finally managed to refocus her attention on her immediate surroundings. Her friends were standing in a rough circle around the ROBOT!
A few more, very rapid breathing exercises managed to calm her rising nerdgasm.
-were standing around the robot with their hooves over their ears as it made some obnoxiously loud buzzing and clicking noises. Princess Celestia however seemed to be busy with a hoof mirror and tiny pair of scissors.
“WHAT IN TARNATION IS THAT RACKET!?” Applejack shouted over the strange machine.
“I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE WE SCARED IT?” Rainbow Dash shouted back.
Fluttershy attempted to say something but she was completely drown out and Rarity wasn’t even listening to the conversation as she had produced a pair of fashionable ear muffs and was blissfully blocking out the din.
Twilight lit her horn to cast a muffling spell to dampen the noise when the robot dinged like it was some kind of toaster oven.
“Simulations Complete.” It stated in it’s high pitched voice as it slowly rose to it’s mechanical feet.
“Objective: Integrate unknown planet into the Confederacy of Independant Systems in a needlessly convoluted manner while ensuring maximum opportunities for failure.”
“Overall chances of success... 0.1-7%”
Author's Note
Sorry for the long delay for this chapter! Worlds Adrift has eaten my time like a bag of crisps left unattended on a table in the middle of my family reunion!
In other news A battle droids is purposely setting out to be incompetent... Is that like the narrative version of dividing by zero?
