Anon's a jerk!

by thatotherotherguy

Rating: mature
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Random, Violence, Princess Celestia, Dark, Death, Human, Gore, Anon, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Spike, Comedy, Non-consensual, Sex
Length: 2970

You are Anon, jerk of Equestria, master dildo thrower and public nuisance #1. Here's one of your adventures!

Follow your own adventure as the biggest jerk of equestria. There's not going to have booze or hookers because that's a one shot but you get to throw a dildo and save Spike from Tartarus... So there's that!

Warning: May cause blindness, irritation, delirium and other fun secondary effects. I am not responsible for any clinical symptoms you may develop.

This is a submission to the 'make Spike suffer contest' of the Barcast group.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/212308/the-barcast/thread/321290/the-barcast-writing-contest-1-make-spike-suffer

Lightly edited by my non-brony brother. HA! that's what you get for making badly thought promises! Thanks though!

The cover was made by me with Paint and some picture of a guy getting arrested.

As english is my second langage, i'll greatly appreciate any help provided and will do whatever i can to improve the grammar.

Published 2017-06-29 15:40:11 UTC
Last updated 2017-06-29 15:40:11 UTC

The one where Spike dies (horribly)

"Slap!" The giant horse dong in your hand makes a ripple on the butt of the princess pony laying on your bed.

You are Anonymous, human extraordinaire. After a freak incident involving a vacuum cleaner, lightning and your dick, you appeared in a world of technicolor ponies. As a proud member of your species, you initiated first contact with panic, violence and, somehow, ended in blowing up half of ponyville office by microwaving a toaster.

You were then put in the care of princess Twilight Sparkle. Apparently, Celestia, sole non-puppet princess of Equestria, judged that you were too irresponsible to be send to prison… or live on your own… or handle kitchen wares…

Boy, they really hold it against you for blowing up them toasters and microwaves. How could you have possibly known microwaving a toaster could cause a power outage in half the kingdom? It’s not like you wanted to kill those patients on life support… They were, probably, going to die anyway...

But, who cares? You ended up freeloading a room in a motherfucking castle. Mommy told you that you would end up somewhere! YOU ARE a special snowflake after all! To be fair, though, she thought you would end up in prison.

But all of this is unimportant right now. You are just about to get some with purple smart and it’s going to be good. Purple pone was way too easy to trick into having sex with you. You just needed to ask her if she wanted to learn how human mate. From this point on it was easy to, litteraly, make her bend over for any of your dark fantasies!

To support your point, you give three hard slap with the schlong on her derriere. That will teach her to be a bad librarian!

"Slap!" The dildo hit her ass a first time bouncing satisfactorily.

"Slap!" The dildo hit her butt a second time making her squeal in anticipation.

"Slap!" The dildo hit a last time ending your Triple slap butt breaker combo™. This is a home run and you're getting to fourth base with this. You almost shed a tear to the thought of your ancestors perfecting this technique through generations of fathers to sons teachings. If only they could see you now...

"Oh Celestia! YES! HARDER! I want you to give this BAD filly a GOOD lesson!" Shout Twillight Sparkle between her moans.

Yeah, apparently, she likes it hard… And to call you by her teacher’s name when you do preliminaries. This isn't weird at all. You did shout the name of Mr. Thompson once or twice when cumming. It just happens right? Plus, you can’t really hold it against her. The sun butt is, after all, a temple, a monument to all behinds, the one ass to rule them all! How else could such an ass of a dictator rule a country for a thousand year if not with the help of her legendary derriere? Godly powers? Bullshit, it wouldn't stop the illuminati ponies and the reptillian unicorns from taking over. Unless they already are in control...

"Celestia give it to me I want to learn what it feels like," Moan the alicorn. Interrupting your thought of pony conspiracy.

"With pleasure," you tell her with a frisky tone. But, instead of ramming it inside, you start teasing her crescent with the tip of the horsecock.

"Noooooo, please… stop teasing me…" whine the purple mess between pants.

You stop your ministrations grin and unbuckle your belt. "As you wish your-."

"Creak!" The door, suddenly, opens letting a purple lizzard in.

"Hey twilight can you tell me I’m worth something? I feel really insecure right now." Whine Spike while walking in on you.

At that moment, many things happen. Spike, seeing what you two are doing, opens his mouth to scream, twilight tries to pull the blanket to hide herself and you... You throw the dildo at Spike...

...

Now, let’s be clear. You are not the type of guy who throws dicks at everyone like some sort of gay redneck. You do know and respect the proper etiquette of dildo throwing. You never point them at people if you don’t plan on using them. You take the batteries out when not in use AND always act as if they're in them. You also try to keep them away from children (Cutie mark crusader sex workers still send shivers through your spine). But, MOSTLY, you know when it is and is not proper of doing it.

If it had been voluntary you would never have had done it. Sadly, reflexes just don’t work that way. And all the time your father took to teach you how to throw dongs so you wouldn’t “grow up to be a pussy faggot” has given you good reflexes. Without them, your aim would have probably been off and spike would have ended up with the horsecock in his eye socket and a cool pirate eyepatch.

Now, a dildo in the eye might seem bad. Screw that, it hurts like a bitch and you know it from experience. However, this is nothing compared to the eyesore that happens next.

The scene you watch seem to go in slow motion as you see the dildo pierce the air in a perfect throw. It travels in the air like a majestic fucking eagle having a stroke mid-flight. Spike, unknowing of the imminent danger he is in, is still screaming when the schlong touch his tongue. With horrible fascination, you watch as the dick continue to penetrate Spike mouth smearing his face with his sister/mother/master love juices. The force behind the throw is such that the plastic cock travel to the bottom of his stomach only leaving the balls of the phallic toy come out of his throat hanging on his freakish snake tongue. 'Wow, Spike can really suck,' you think looking at this sight.

The time seems to freeze.

You look at spike.

You turn at twilight.

You both look at spike.

You could hear a fly fart in the room.

"Gurgl"

Spike begins to choke and his eyes start tearing.

"Gurglegrl"

He begins flailing his arms. He's trying to remove the foreign object from his mouth. Unfortunately, his arms are too small to reach as far as his mouth and grab the horsedick. You take a second to ponder if that’s the way T. rexes became extinct.

"Gurglegrlgrlu"

He starts walking back desperately.

In an instance of lucidity, you jump off the bed, trying to get to him in time to take the appendage out of his throat.

However, for some unexplicable reasons, the sight of your flapping hard lil'anon makes him walk back even faster. He gets out of the room and step in the crystal spiral staircase just outside of the room.

Apparently, the powerful forces that had created this castle layout hadn’t thought about safe dildo choking regulations when designing rooms and stairs settings.

And so, as agreed by the laws of physics and cartoon humor, Spike falls back in the stairs.

You watch as he horrifically fall and start rolling in the stairs. You start running after him.

'At least his scales will protect him… right?' you think.

"Crack!"

...

That was definitely his spine.

He finally reaches the bottom of the staircase. His posture suggesting that he had his spine fractured in two or that he is very flexible. Who knows? Spike is at that age when young dragons try experimenting with their bodies. Probably? It’s not like you know anything about dragons sexual development... For all you know, dragon chicks get tits after puberty. But eh?Maybe, maybe he spent enough time trying to blow himself to, actually, do it!

Not that you would know if it’s possible to do it or what cum tastes like…

You approach the corpse, no the definitely only sleeping Spike and-

"Prprbrlprr"

You suddenly remember your strange friend. The one who collected Barbie heads and stole his sisters underwears. The one who always wanted to play doctor. The one who told you dead people shit themselves when they die. You didn’t believe him at the time but you surely do now.

All the fecal matter from Spike's intestines comes out of his anus and splatter on his face, in his mouth and covering his glassy eyes.

The smell is as horrible as the sight to say the least.

Talk about a boner killer.

"Is he fine?" Shouts Twilight from your room at the top of the spiral staircase.

You look at the body.

"Yeah, he’s fine!" You shout back.

You turn heels, get back in your room and resume fucking your princess ass.

Three hours later…

You are standing in a dark room in the basement. The walls are covered in sigils, glyphs and runes. Spike is laying on his back in the middle of a pentagram at the center of the room.

Your sense of smell is overwhelmed by the smell of sour snake shit as you only washed the dragon by hosing him quickly.

Your purple pastel pony princess pace in the pentagram pledging prayers to pagan patriarchs promising the pandemonium for them to pity and pour power… pour power… potato?... Fuck you almost got it…

You walk to Twilight.

"Isn’t necromancy illegal?" You ask her.

-"Oh, this is not necromancy," she respond.

You let out a sigh of relief.

"You had me I thought-" You begin.

"Necromancy is the art of making golems out of corpses using their already existing arcanics channels. Right now, I am making a demonic ritual to summon a demon from tartarus. It’s more a trade really. We will see what he wants and trade Spike’s soul for it." She explains.

...You look at her...

"This is legal?!" You shout.

"I wouldn’t say legal, the legislation never took a stance on the use of dark magics on non-ponies. Many great generals even used the dark arts to fight off griffins and minotaurs invaders from our territories. Technically speaking, I can do anything involving black magic if the target is not a pony." She continues.

Nice knowing the rules are made by xenophobics ponies. You almost feel at home knowing somepony can simply decide to second amendment your face with black magic. At least, nopony hates you, right? You then remember the toasters and the lawsuits. You are so fucked.

The sigils start glowing a deep red.

"Anon, hurry! get inside the pentagram." Shout the princess.

You do as she say and the moment you step your second foot in the circle the walls are ripped apart. You can only see fire and darkness all around you. You can feel your heart pounding as you hear pony sinners getting tortured, their cries for mercy forever imprinting in your memory.

In front of you both stand a gigantic demon. He is as big as the friendship castle. His mouth shows at least three rows of teeth. You stop breathing as you feel his eyes stop on you two.

"HOW DARE YOU COME IN MY DOMAIN?!" He asks frotting at the mouth.

You can feel your pants getting wet.

"Oh, hello M. Arzraël we just want to make a trade for my little slave soul." Pony princess chimes in politely.

"ARE YOU READY TO PAY THE TOLL?" The demon boom.

"-Concerning that, what is the exchange rate for Equestrian-Tartarus currencies if I may ask?" gently say Twilight.

"666 FOR ONE" He respond making the ground under your feet shake.

"Oh…, well I guess we don’t have enough to buy Spike back. We will need to accept that he will have to burn in the fires of hell for all eternity starting now. Let’s go Anon-…" Starts Twilight.

"WAIT! I MAY HAVE AN OFFER." interrupt Arzraël.

"We are listening." You say.

"ALL THIS TALK ABOUT FIRE AND AGONY HAS MADE ME INCREDIBLY HORNY. ME AND MY WIFE-" Starts telling Arzraël.

"My wife and I," corrects Twilight.

You proceed to slap the alicorn head for interrupting the all powerful demon who will, one day, bring the apocalypse on the mortal world.

"AS I WAS SAYING, MY WIFE AND I ARE IN A TOUGH SPOT IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. I GET A LOT OF STRESS FROM THIS JOB BUT NO STRESS RELIEF AT HOME IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN."

You feel bad for him.

"Are you saying-…" You begin.

"YES, DELIVER ME A VIRGIN ASS TO SODOMIZE AND I WILL BRING YOUR FRIEND BACK."

You, suddenly feel less bad for him. You turn to Twilight and see her expectantly looking at you. Fuck off, you had your toll with bible camp. You, instead, look at the demon.

"How do we know you can bring him back? Show us you can do it and we will pay you." You tell him.

"YOU JUST WANT ME TO RESURRECT THIS PIECE OF SHIT AND GET AWAY WITHOUT PAYING. I AM NO FOOL MORTAL HOW DARE YOU THINK YOU CAN OUTSMART ME?!"

"How about this, we will throw his body in your pit of abominable horror so you can resurrect him, this way we can’t get away with him." You tell him.

"DEAL!" the demon victouriously shout.

You take the dead little fucker in your arms. You really should have taken more than one minute to hose his body as the smell almost make you puke. You throw it at Arzraël who grabs it in one hand. Suddenly, screeching darkness rush on Spikes’ body making it violently twitch. His spine seems to return to its proper place as he contorts in spasms. It finally settle and he seem fine except…

"He’s not moving," Twillight says.

You look at Spike and, indeed, he isn’t.

"GIVE IT A LITTLE TIME, HE’S CONSCIOUS AND ALIVE. HIS SOUL SIMPLY NEED TO READJUST TO HIS BODY FOR HIM TO MOVE. BUT NOW, I THINK IT IS TIME YOU PAY THE PRICE FOR YOUR FRIEND." Booms the demon.

"Well go on" You tell him.

"GET OUT OF THE CIRCLE. I CAN’T DO IT IF YOU ARE INSIDE OF THE PENTAGRAM MORTAL!" Angrily respond Arzraël.

"No need to, you wanted a virgin ass and you got Spike’s right now, enjoy!" You say while laughing.

The demon stare at you with incredulity. Spike seems to have regained the use of his eyes as he is also looking directly at you.

"BWAHAHA, I LIKE YOU ANON, YOU TRICKED ME INTO RESURRECTING AND FUCKING YOUR FRIEND SO YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO TAKE IT IN THE ASS. I WILL TAKE YOUR OFFER AND SPIKE'S BUTT INSTEAD. BUT KNOW THIS, I WILL WATCH YOU AND I WILL WAIT FOR YOU IN MY DOMAIN." Roar the demon in laughter.

The demon takes his dick out, revealing an atrocity that would only turn on the sickest of peoples. His shaft is twisted and adorned with barbs of pulsating flesh. The head of his member his bulbous and covered in slits that leak a vile slime.

You notice his height starts to adjust to accommodate the smaller dragon.

"Mmmhm," Spike is looking desperately at you in hope you will change your mind and take one for the team.

"Don’t worry, your soul isn’t synchronised with your body. You, probably, won’t feel a thing." You say to reassure him.

"ACTUALLY, THE LACK OF SENSATION WHEN DEAD WILL INCREASE HIS SENSATIONS BY A HUNDRED FOLDS." Reveal the demon.

Twilight immediately starts to write down the new information like the nerd she is.

"MAa! maA! mah!" Hopelessly plead Spike.

"TOO LATE!" Happily announce his rapist.

Arzraël begins to thrust inside Spike anus making him squeak in pain. His eyes roll back as the demon increase in rhythm and start digging his claws on his butt. You, actually, feel bad for the dragon but, at the same time, you revel in the fact that you aren’t in his place.

After a good ten minutes of intense butt sex Arzraël finally bury himself to the hilt and let out a ghastly cry. Spike start expanding and gallons of green semen flow out of him as the demon finishes. He is a slimy mess and there is no way you will help him clean up.

Arzraël, finally, throws Spike back in the pentagram and Twilight end the ritual. The walls of the black room reform themselves as you return to the realm of the living.

"Hill me…" Cry Spike.

You turn your attention to the pathetic slob on the ground.

"Spike, reality is harsh, we basically live to eat shit another day. Every second of existence, destiny can decide to turn on you, break your legs, steal your wallet and piss in your mouth." You tell him. "But you know what?" You ask him.

"Hat?" He says.

"Some days, it’s other people turns to have it bad and when it is, I feel so much fun to see them destroyed. No matter how bad my life gets, I only need to remember how much worst it will be for others to get a smile on my face and keep me going. So, Spike, I won’t let you die, I will make sure you live long so that I can enjoy my life laughing at everything bad happening to you. If I can’t have peace, you and everyone else sure won’t. Now, I’m not a bad person, I will never hurt people for the sake of having fun. However, don’t expect me to put myself in a bad place to help you because I will stand aside and enjoy the show get it?" You explain him.

"Agnon"

"What?"

"Her a yerk."

"I know buddy, I know," you patronisingly tell him.

You then proceed to kick him in the nuts.

-The end!💕

Author's Note

Apparently, this is the place where i should put some music