Chapters The Cute One 2: Growing Pains
Sweetie Belle is a Grown Pony
“Spike! What do you think you’re doing?” Twilight scolded her #1 assistant sternly.
“I’m checking out Sweetie Belle’s flank? What?” The young dragon shrugged. “I’m a guy, I check out a hot mare's flanks. Guy’s do that.”
“B- but...that’s Sweetie Belle!” Twilight stammered in shock.
“So?” Spike rolled his eyes in irritation. “Rarity totally friend-zoned me, and that means her sister is no longer off limits. That’s the Wonderbolt code, you can ask Rainbow Dash, I don’t make up these rules.”
“But Spike, you're an adult dragon!” The Princess of friendship argued.
“Yeah, I totally could’ve been Dragon Lord.” Spike chuckled to himself. “What's your point?”
“That’s Sweetie Belle, Spike!” Twilight hissed in an exaggerated stage whisper. “She’s just a little filly!”
“No, I’m pretty sure Sweetie Bell is a grown pony.”
-=-=-=-=-
“I’m glad you all could make it girls.” Twilight smiled at her friends, gathered around the Cutie Map. “I called you here because there is… apparently… an issue concerning the Cutie Mark Crusaders…”
“It’s about time!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed vehemently. “We’ve been dancing around this for WAY too long now. Is Scootaloo an orphan or does she just have really terrible ponies for parents. Either way, my folks are up for fostering her.”
“Ah’m with Rainbow, on this one.” Apple Jack clopped her hoof on the table. “We didn’t wanna say anything to embarrass the poor filly, but the endless ‘sleep-over’ excuse was wearin’ thin. Mah only question is does she have parents to call Foal Protection Services on?”
“No, no, no!” Twilight shook her head vehemently. “I called you here because I’m trying to figure out if the CMC are legally adults!”
“Hmmm, that would simplify the problem.” Pinkie Pie nodded thoughtfully. “If they’re adults then we could just get Scoots an apartment…”
“Doesn't Scootaloo already have a nice house?” Fluttershy asked quietly.
“THIS ISN’T ABOUT SCOOTALOO!” Twilight screamed in frustration.
“It’s not?” Rarity asked innocently enough.
“Well… I mean it’s kinda about all the CMC…” Twilight stammered. “It’s not like I’m trying to single out any one, specific Crusader…”
“It’s Sweetie Belle.” Spike remarked dryly. “She’s talking about Sweetie Belle.”
“Of course the Crusaders ain’t adult ponies! For Celestia’s sake, y’all, they’re just little fillies!” Applejack scowled. “Ah’m not even 100% sure we should count Spike as a legal adult…”
“Totally could’ve ruled the Dragonlands.” Spike held up a single palm in the direction of AJ’s face.
“As I was sayin’,” AJ continued, glaring at Spike, “I don’t agree with it, but that’s dragon law, even if 90% of all dragons are functionally retarded. But mah sister is NOT an adult pony and neither is Sweetie Belle.”
“Well, darling, if they’re not adults, then why are they giving career counseling to ponies all over Ponyville?” Rarity interjected.
“That doesn’t make our sisters adults, Rarity!” Applejack argued. “It just makes the ponies of Ponyville danged idjits!”
“So, nopony said anything about Scootaloo…” Rainbow Dash ventured cautiously. “Does that mean she might be an adult? I always assumed they were all about the same age, but Scoots could just be really short…”
“Applejack, darling, I know it’s hard to accept, but our baby sisters are young mares now.” Rarity gestured with dramatic flourish. “They are making their way in the wide world! Why just yesterday I visited the girls in their office…”
“You mean their treehouse?” AJ arched a skeptical eyebrow.
“Or maybe Scootaloo’s apartment…” Pinkie jumped in.
“Scootaloo has a lovely house,” Fluttershy said quietly. “Although perhaps somepony really should look in to see whether or not she has parents who care for her…”
“Hey, all I’m saying is that I’m about the same chronological age as Sweetie Belle.” Spike held his palms innocently aloft. “I’m not a foal-phile, I’m just noticing a filly my own age.”
“But you’re a legally adult dragon, Spike!” Twilight fumed frantically. “You were almost the Dragon Lord, and if you’re not an adult then we’re all guilty of foal endangerment!”
“Really, this is very interesting, but… maybe we should look into the situation with Scootaloo’s parents… if that’s okay?” Fluttershy continued to reason uselessly.
“Wait! Spikey Wikey was showing an interest in Sweetie Belle?!?!?” Rarity shouted in shock.
“Well, if you’re gonna keep him in the friendzone, then your sister is fair game.” Pinkie Pie shrugged merrily.
“It’s true. That’s in the Wonderbolt Code,” Rainbow agreed, “Right after Bolts before Colts.”
“Yall see, this is what comes of over-thinkin’ things! Spike ain’t no adult, consarned it, and neither is mah sister, and neither are her friends!” Applejack slammed her hoof angrily against the friendship map.
“But if Apple Bloom’s not an adult, then aren’t there laws about foals working in a brewery?” Pinkie scrunched, her face in thought.
“There’re exemptions in foal labor laws that cover family farms, Pinkie and you know it!” AJ glowered at her friend.
“It’s true.” The pink anomaly grinned back. “That’s why we had the family quarry zoned as farmland. Granny Pie was really one sharp tack when it came to foal exploitation.”
“So either the CMC are adult ponies, or we are all terrible ponies,” Twilight Sparkle sighed heavily, “And the only reason we aren’t in all in jail is because Equestrian law is so vague as to be complicit.”
“Also because we’re the elements of harmony.” Rainbow Dash added. “I can’t tell you how many times that’s got me out of trouble for flying drunk.”
“If Scootaloo doesn’t have parents, then how does she pay for that nice house she lives in?” Fluttershy wondered out loud. “I really think we should look into this.”
“Okay, all in favor of declaring the CMC legally adult ponies, and ourselves, by extension, to not be horrible monsters who exploit and endanger school aged foals?” Twilight continued, ignoring the yellow pegasus altogether.
“Sure, why not?”
“Nay.”
“Of course, darling”
“Are you sure we shouldn’t look into Scootaloo’s parents?”
“Yepperoony!”
“Aye. The aye’s have it.” Twilight nodded. “By the decision of the council of friendship, Sweetie Belle is legally an adult and Spike the Dragon is not a pervert. Applejack may, at her leisure write a dissenting opinion explaining why she thinks Spike should be prosecuted as a sexual predator.”
“But that’s not what I… ya know what? Never mind, I gots farmin’ to get back to.” Applejack simply walked away in disgust.
The Cute One 2: Growing Pains
Scootaloo is Probably an Orphan
“Apple Bloom, Ah got somethin’ real important Ah gotta ask ya, and Ah need ya t’ be honest with me.” Applejack’s gentle smile nearly oozed with sincerity.
“Look, sis Ah already told ya, them weren’t mah stallion magazines, Ah was just holdin’ em for a friend!” Applebloom scowled at her older sister.
“Ah recon they belonged to that little rapscallion, Scootaloo!” Granny Smith shouted across the dinner table. “That’s what comes a not havin’ a proper upbringin’!”
“Granny! It ain’t Scootaloo’s fault!” Applejack scolded her elder. “Ain’t like she got no family to teach her right… or maybe she does but they ain’t done right by her… that’s what I’m tryin’ to figure out! Now look, this is about Scootaloo, but Ah ain’t worried about them...”
“Them weren’t Scootaloo’s wiener-mags neither!” Apple Bloom declared angrily.
“Of course,” Granny Smith face hoofed profoundly, “Sweetie Belle! Ah should have known after that last ‘Friendship Council’ nonsense y’all done told us about!”
“They were mine, okay?!?!” Big Macintosh pounded the table. “Apple Bloom was just looking out for me! But I can’t just stand by while my sister and her friends take the fall for my wrong-doing.”
“Big Mac! How could ya expose Apple Bloom to that smut?” Granny Smith glared angrily at her grandson like a bird that was angry.
“I know how old fashioned you and Applejack are! I didn’t want you to find out…” The big red stallion hid his face in shame.
“Find out what? That y’all was queer as a three bit coin?” Granny Smith cackled. “Ah think that ship done sailed when Apple Bloom met her new big sister at the last Social.”
“Ya’ll oughta know by now that we ain’t gonna make no judgements like that.” Applejack’s anger was subdued by quiet hurt.
“See, Ah told ya, Big Brother!” Apple Bloom smiled warmly. “It’s just like AJ and Rainbow makin’ out in the barn! Everypony already knows all about it, we just don’t give a darn!”
“Y’all shut your dirty mouth, little filly!” Applejack snapped at her sister. “An’ ever’pony’d do best to keep their yap shut about whatever it is that ever’pony supposedly knows!”
-=-=-=-=-
“Spike was checking out my flank?” Sweetie Belle squealed in delight.
“I’m sorry to have to tell you like this, dear, I know how terribly awkward and embarrassing it must be for you.” Rarity smiled at her sister.
“This is great!” The filly threw her marsh-mellow hooves in the air in celebration.
“It is?” Rarity’s purple locks bounced wildly as she spun to face her sister.
“Of course!” Sweetie pranced in excitement. “Equestrian adoption law is pretty vague, but I'm pretty sure that Spike is either Princess Twilight’s son or her little brother, but either way he’s a prince, and that means if I marry him I’ll be a for-real princess!”
“Oh, ho ho, yes, you’ll be a for real princess when you grow up and marry Spike.” Rarity chuckled at her sister’s adorable antics.
“When I grow up? You mean like last week?” Sweetie snorted cheerfully.
“Wait… what?” Rarity blinked rapidly.
“I’m a legal adult, remember?” Sweetie smiled victoriously. “That’s why it’s okay when you leave me to watch the shop while you’re away on business while mom and dad are leaving me with you while they’re away on business.”
“Applejack was right,” Rarity sighed, “We’re all terrible ponies.”
-=-=-=-=-
“No, Spike! Just no!” Twilight proclaimed with her full authority. “That is out of the question! Besides, I thought you said you didn’t want the CMC fawning over you?”
“I said I didn’t want to make out with Scootaloo to help her win a bet.” Spike corrected the agitated alicorn. “Sweetie Belle wants to marry me to gain political influence. I can respect that.”
“I forbid it! As Princess of Friendship, I forbid you from marrying Sweetie Belle!” Arcane energies surged as Twilight stamped her hoof against the crystal tile.
“You can’t do that! We’re both legal adults!” Spike matched the princess’s ferocity with his own willpower. “And besides this isn’t a question of friendship, it’s a question of love and/or marriage!”
“Don’t think I won’t call in Cadance, buster! Because I will!” The purple princess fumed. “I will call Cadance and my brother down here so fast it will make your scaly head spin!”
-=-=-=-=-
“You don’t even know if I have parents?” Scootaloo leveled a judgemental glare on her mentor.
“Well, it’s not like it ever came up… I mean, it’s not like I can just ask ‘Hey, Scoots, are you an orphan, or what?’” Rainbow Dash retorted in defense against the accusation.
“You mean that thing you opened the conversation with?” Scootaloo replied evenly. “Have you ever met my parents?”
“Well, no, but you only just met my parents the other day!” Dash argued deftly. “That doesn’t mean you don’t have parents. Maybe they’re just really embarrassing.”
“Did anypony ask any questions when you and Applejack took us all camping for the entire weekend?” Scootaloo countered.
“Well… that doesn’t prove that you don’t have parents, just that they… I dunno… maybe don’t mind if you spend all your time with a bunch of adult ponies who they’ve never met?” The cyan mare became less sure of herself with each passing second.
“And when I got my cutie mark, didn’t it seem strange that nopony related to me was there saying, ‘Hey Scoots, congratulations on finding your purpose in life?’” Scootaloo pointed out what should have been obvious to any casual observer.
“Okay… that was... kinda weird… but you’ve got a house… and… well… but then again you did say you didn’t have anypony to offer you support and guidance...” Rainbow flopped her rump to the floor in defeat. “Okay, so you’re probably an orphan, but could you just say the words? I’d feel a lot more confident in this assumption if you would just outright say you don’t have a family…”
The Cute One 2: Growing Pains
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. The Cute One 2: Growing Pains
Starlight Glimmer Has Weird Hang Ups
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. The Cute One 2: Growing Pains
Rainbow Dash Might Be a Lesbian
“I am NOT a lesbian!” Rainbow Dash glared at the assembled gaming group.
“Geez, can we start the game already.” Spike rolled his eyes. “It’s like every week it’s gotta be some crazy drama.”
“Ee’yup.” Big Macintosh nodded sagely.
“Oh, really?” Discord teased Dash. “Name one stallion…”
“Quibble Pants!” Dash interjected.
“...who wasn’t a cosplaying as a mare at the time.” Discord finished dryly.
“That’s a stupid rule!” Rainbow huffed.
“There’s nothing wrong with being a total lesbian Dashie.” Pinkie tried to console her friend.
“Except I’m NOT a total lesbian!” Rainbow Dash insisted. “I’ll make out with Big Macintosh right now to prove it!”
“Eenope!” Mac said firmly.
“It wouldn’t help anyway, crossdressers don’t count. We’ve already clearly established that as a rule.” Discord smirked, drawing a glare from Big Macintosh.
“Okay, we are going to start the game! No more talking about Dash’s love life. No more jokes about me making out with Scootaloo. Just Ogres and Oubliettes.” Spike put his clawed hoof down.
“Oh, alright.” Discord rolled his eyes.
-=-=-=-=-
“Ah don’t see why Ah gotta clean out the pig sty!” Apple Bloom muttered under her breath.
“Maybe on account ‘a you let your brother take the heat for your dirty magazines!” Applejack sneered at her sister. “We don’t take kindly to dishonesty in this family.”
“It’s not like Ah’m the one who lied! In fact, if anything, you should all thank me for Big Mac NOT bein’ gay. An’ yer welcome, by the way!” The yellow filly growled back. “Besides! Ah’m an adult pony anyway! Why’ve I gotta do stupid farm chores? Me an’ the girls made more bits on our last job than this farm makes all year!”
“You mean that ‘job’ where you an’ yer friends set up that pop singer in a herd with three differ’nt mares?” The orange farm pony raised a critical eyebrow.
“It’s a perfectly legal relationship! Sweetie Belle checked!” Apple Bloom countered.
“And how does relationship counsellin’ relate to cutie marks, anyway?” Applejack asked incredulously.
“The same way three apples relates to bein’ a total c-”
-=-=-=-=-
“Okay, so I made out with another unspecified mare…” Rainbow started, only to be cut off.
“She’s talkin’ about Applejack.” Big Macintosh interrupted sedately.
“Woah! Apple-burn!” Discord grinned and shared a quick hoof-bump with his big red compadre. “Who knew you even had it in you. I do believe my awesomeness is rubbing off on you!”
“Anyway, just because I made out with one mare…” Rainbow Dash tried to continue.
“Because we were drunk at last season’s Hearth Warming party, so that, like, totes doesn’t count!” Pinkie announced merrily.
“Dammit Pinkie! You said you wouldn’t say anything about that!” Rainbow scowled at her pink friend. “The point is that doesn’t make me a lesbian! Everypony thought Big Mac was gay because of all the cross-dressing, but he’s totally cuckoo for mares!”
“And while you were all arguing over whether or not Rainbow Dash was gay, the minions of the Squizard have surrounded you and they now have initiative.” Spike rolled his eyes. “You guys don’t do this when Discord’s the DM…”
-=-=-=-=-
Dear Twilly,
You got me! You’ve been hanging out with Pinkie and Rainbow haven’t you? The first three times I read that I thought you were serious. I actually thought that you had used your authority to declare the Cutie Mark Crusaders to be legally adult ponies! Do you have any idea of all the potential legal issues I had to sort out? That's what makes it such a great prank! Because I was all panicked that you had just upended Equestrian common law, not to mention all common sense on a whim to avoid mildly awkward conversations with your respective siblings. It would be like declaring Spike an adult, without being able to fall back on blaming the Dragon Code! Can you imagine how stressful it would be if the kingdom to your south just started making crazy legal decisions every time they had an awkward moment with their siblings? But luckily that’s not the case, and you’re just getting me back for that last minute baby-sitting snafu. See you Tuesday.
Love, Luck, and Polypropylene,
Cadie
-=-=-=-=-
“I have evidence this time!” Button Mash paced before Twilight Sparkle’s Court of Friendship.
“Maud pie is not an evil changeling.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “For the last time, none of the Pie family are changelings. They’re just rock farmers.”
“No! This isn’t about Maud Pie! She’s only a minor threat!” The brown colt insisted forcefully. “This is about the real source of evil!”
“Is it Sweetie Belle?” The Princess of Friendship asked dryly. “Because Sweetie Belle has already taken out a restraining order to stop you from telling ponies that she is, and I quote, ‘a stinky force of vile evil dedicated to murdering puppies’.”
“This isn’t about the puppies. Even though you can’t prove Sweetie Belle doesn’t eat puppies!” Button mash struggled in vain to illuminate his fellow equines. “The CMC are involved in a dastardly plot to infiltrate the ruling class and demasculate all of Equestria.”
“This is about Sweetie Belle marrying Spike isn’t it?” Twilight responded evenly.
“Hey Twilight, me and Trixie were going to hang out with Maud and talk about how much we love not enslaving villages.” Starlight Glimmer pranced past cheerfully.
“Make sure to take your keys.” Twilight waved a hoof absently. “I’m apparently gonna have to lock up tonight, the crazies are out in force.”
“Hey! I’m standing right here!” Button objected uselessly.
-=-=-=-=-
“I’ll prove I’m not a lesbian!” Rainbow flew into the air and gestured dramatically. “I’ll make out with…”
“Eenope!” Big Mac asserted firmly.
“Not it!” Discord laughed.
“Wouldn’t help!” Pinkie Pie giggled.
“...Spike! He’s a guy! I’ll make out with Spike right now!” Rainbow declared triumphantly.
“No.” Spike crossed his arms defiantly. “I’m not going to make out with you just to prove your not a lesbian.”
“It’s no different than carrying stuff for Rarity, which you do because your friends, right?” Rainbow fumed at the dragon. “Come on Spike! You gotta help a Bolt out! That’s the Wonderbolt code!”
“You’re making this up!” Spike argued in annoyance.
“No I’m not, ‘Help a Bolt Out’ is a real rule. Just like last week, when I made out with Fleetfoot to get some annoying fan-colt off her back.” Dash insisted, then suddenly noticed the stares. “That doesn’t make me a lesbian! I was just helping Fleetfoot look more like a lesbian so that guy would leave her alone! Seriously, friends do that!”
“That’s what I keep trying to tell Fluttershy.” Discord agreed wholeheartedly.
