"Cold. It's nothing more than the absence of heat. Well, not exactly because there's always heat in everything and so that means nothing can ever really be cold, but then why is it so cold in here? It's not supposed to be cold. Is this a dream? Did I die in my dream or am I actually dead?? Okay, I t-think I hear the wind outside so I'm assuming I'm actually awake now, but I'll never know until I open my eyes right?"
The yellow pegasus shivered in the dark beneath the covers, her eyes shut, but her mind filled with unnatural thoughts. She had her anxiety as always, but this was much different, in ways that made her very scared. A loud sound coming from downstairs sent a shock through her body, causing her to jolt upwards, shivering as her heart rate increased. She hid beneath her covers, curling up into a small ball. She was always scared of nearly everything, but mostly since she was scared of pain. Whether it be mental, physical, or emotional, she hated to experience any kind of pain. The pain of loss, failure, and guilt were the ones she hated most. Those were the ones that hit her hard, but she never showed it to anypony. Even her "best friends" were only there for the happy moments. There was really nopony besides Angel that she could talk to about her problems, but oh well.
She decided to open her eyes, looking at her window, where small droplets of water started to form. They started at the top as they slid their way down. Fluttershy would sometimes guess which one was going to make it to the bottom first, and she guessed right every time. This time though she didn't want to guess, because for the first time she could be wrong. Why would she risk losing part of her self-esteem over something so useless. She didn't even have to....
Suddenly her whole room illuminated for a split-second, like someone had taken a picture, and it was soon followed by a thunderous clap so loud it nearly caused shock waves. Fluttershy was in full panic as she hit the ground and knocked over a lamp. She was breathing heavily, nearly coughing, as her eyes readjusted to the darkness. It was more of a natural reaction to bright lights and loud sounds rather than pure fear, but she didn't deny that she wasn't scared. She was absolutely terrified. Lightning had struck very close to her cottage, too close. This was just too much. There was nowhere safe anymore. She felt herself shaking as she tried to stand up and get back in her bed, but she couldn't stay here. She had to go downstairs and make sure her animals were okay. She stood up slowly and pulled her messed up mane out of her face. She opened the door very quietly as she crawled out. Silence greeted her along with darkness as she descended down the stairs.
"H-Hello? Angel?" This seemed like that one scene in a horror movie where a jump scare out of nowhere would change the atmosphere completely, but Fluttershy gained a bit of bravery and walked on. Just in case, she went to her kitchen and grabbed a spoon with her mouth, prepared for anything that might be lurking in the darkness. She peeked around the corner, and slowly made her way to the living room. She saw the shadows of her animal friends sleeping peacefully, but she heard soft steps very close to her. Right as she turned around, another bright flash illuminated the room, showing the huge shadow of a dragon with its wings outspread and a weapon in its mouth. After the thunderous boom, Fluttershy couldn't take it anymore. She felt her wings start to flap as she stepped away from where she saw the dragon, and she let out a scream. She needed to fly.
Her eyes darted around the room as she hovered above the floor. She would come back later, but for now, she needed to fly off this crazy anxiety. Another lightning bolt and thunder clap later, she broke into full flight leaving a broken door behind. She had no idea what was going on as the atmosphere shifted around her. The rain pounded upon her as she tried to rise above the clouds. Her mane was soaked and her coat was drenched in cold water. She wasn't prepared at all to handle this situation, but at the same time, she wasn't really prepared for any situation. She fought her way through the torrent as the storm got worse. Winds blew her in different directions, but she remained focused. No other pegasus would fly in this kind of weather, because once their wings got too wet, they would just fall. Fluttershy didn't want to fall. She needed to escape.
Nopony understood how she felt or why she felt this way. They all had their confidence from all their talents and jobs, and they had no reason to feel scared. She would always stay behind and give her worthless ideas that nopony paid any attention to. Sad is the life of one who is considered the kindest but is seldom given the chance to express it. They're all kind so why does it make any difference if she's the element of it. Every damn mission was another nightmare, because she was the only one who had doubts that they would succeed. She was terrified that someday it just wouldn't work out and so she had to be prepared. She never was prepared, because a new situation would just pop up in her head, that of unspeakable consequences.
She had tried to talk to Twilight about this problem, but apparently even such a scholar couldn't explain what was happening. She only pretended to not understand because she didn't care enough to go in depth and bother to ask what's wrong. She's not concerned about the problem of others, except if her solving it will give her praise and rewards. She's already a princess, so why do anything else when you're basically above anything else. Fluttershy hated this about Twilight. She'd never tell her, because at the same time deep inside she wouldn't want to lose the only things besides her animals that she considers her friends. This was all she had.
The storm raged on as Fluttershy had trouble managing her thoughts and her flight at the same time. Everypony says that the best thinking place is the shower, even if that means heavy rain showering upon you. Where is she going? She didn't want to go away forever, but why stay anyway. It's not like she benefits much to the society besides being a symbolic element of harmony going places to solve problems that basically anypony could solve if they took enough time to try and figure it out. This pointless system angered her, making her feel even more useless than before. It also scared her that she was so easily convinced for so long that this was how it's supposed to be.
She wouldn't understand either. Rainbow Dash just views life in a different way, but at least she's happy. She lives life in the present, only making the best of every situation that hits her. Of course, this has gotten her into trouble many times, but throughout the scars, she still holds a smile every time. She takes criticism to the face, and just blows it away like the wind. And she doesn't even brag that much, because she basically lives up to every situation she describes of herself. Viewing it like that almost makes it seem like she has almost no flaws, but she knew that isn't true! Why was she like this? She saw the good in everypony, except herself. It made her feel like trash, like a doormat, like everypony except herself is just a standard that she has to live up to.
The ground under her lit up again as a lightning bolt struck the ground followed by the boom echoing through the sky. The sound froze her wings as she began to descend rapidly. Regaining flight mid-air in a thunderstorm is hard enough for even the most skilled of fliers but for a pegasus that has less flight time than a filly in flight school, the task proved nearly impossible. The wind howled as Fluttershy tried to find a way to slow her descent. Her head was spinning and she nearly lost consciousness, but she focused. She decided to position her wings in a way so that it would catch the wind and not push against it. Riding the current, she at least was able to see where she was, and..
"HOLY CELESTIA!" exclaimed the pegasus upon realizing that she was mere meters off the ground going at speeds beyond any she has ever gone before. She quickly tried to fly upwards but the wind didn't cooperate as she was thrown downwards onto the roof of a building. She rolled over a couple of times before applying pressure with her hooves to slow her down. She breathed heavily as the rain continued to fall and as the wind continued to blow. She was angry at herself, for being in this situation, for always being so scared. She pounded one hoof upon the roof and let out a scream as she took flight once again. She didn't know what to do really, despite making it clear to herself that she was scared and needed to escape. The burst of adrenaline pushed her forward, but now she just didn't know. She battled the wind, finding ways to avoid getting caught in the currents, trying her hardest to use flight techniques that were taught to her a long time ago.
She was never a great flier, because that also used to be one of her fears. Being up so high where one fall could end in death frightened her beyond belief. That rarely ever happened, but there were chances and risks she was never willing to take. She felt sad, because what's a pegasus that rarely makes use of its own wings. It made her feel as if there was something wrong with her, like for some reason, she didn't turn out to be what everypony else would've wanted.
"NO!" She shook her head and grit her teeth, scolding herself for thinking these thoughts. She had to stay strong, at least for now, at least until this ended. This sickening, horrifying experience that existed only in her mind. Existed only to torment her and make her realize that maybe life isn't worth living. Life is just a passing moment that few would even remember. Why go through so much to make it seem like it's something important.
"STOP IT!" Once again she yelled out loud, this time her head pounding in pain. She could feel the stress building up as she closed her eyes and tried to focus. The pain only grew as she screamed in agony, closing her eyes even tighter as her mind swirled around, trying to bring herself back to reality. She was tired, tired of having to live in a way that benefits others but ruins her life. She was the element of unconditional kindness, which broke her, for she couldn't be kind to herself.
Her last thoughts, asking herself why she kept on, faded away, just like the world around her as her body shut down, the wind now deciding her fate. She took one last look at the clouds above her as she fell, just as she had fallen before as a young filly. There was no more fear in this fall though, for this time, she would get peace. As she neared the ground once again, it seemed as if there was no way out this time. No.
"NO!" she screamed as she regained control. She was still scared, very scared, and she DID NOT want to die today. She focused as hard as she could, ignoring the throbbing pain that caused tears to escape her eyes. Her wings came to life, catching the wind and slowing her descent. She wasn't ready to die, and she wouldn't let that happen. She hit the ground, not as fast as she was falling a few seconds ago, but fast enough to hurt her. She tumbled across the field, closing her eyes once again as she lost control of her body. The pain was meaningless by now, only reminding her that she still had her sense of touch. She came to a stop near a tree, as the rain continued to pour down its own sadness onto her.
No. She was also scared of the rain. She summoned the last bits of her energy and got up slowly, crawling towards her safe zone. Every part of her was screaming for rest, but she had to let the fear take over. The rain stopped as she pulled herself under the tree, and she was finally free. She cuddled up next to the tree, her body and mind in immense pain, but her spirit in peace. And so she lay there, finally getting some rest after the events of the morning, but she knew in the back of her mind, that it wasn't over, yet.
Author's Note
Hey guysss, this is my first "story" sort of. It's kind of short, so I recommend reading it slowly to understand the situation. Please give tips on how I can improve, because I'm currently working on another one at the moment. I tried to put in the way that I experience anxiety, but I think some of you might be able to relate. If you think I should add to this one, or just keep working on the other one, comment if you'd like. Thank you for reading!
