The Dirtiest Mares in Ponyville

Everypony in Ponyville knows who they are, and everypony gives them their space. Bakers hide their cupcakes when they come around the corner, and mothers hide their daughters. Parents preemptively cover their foals ears. They’re Maud, Starlight, and Trixie and they’re the dirtiest mares in town.

Here the come now. Maud Pie is first. She’s the muscle. A short, stocky earth pony of tough western stock. Gray fur and cool sapphire eyes. A blue coverall can’t hide the power that flows under her skin. She can break boulders with her hooves, and she can stare down a statue. Nothing gets under her skin. And sure, she’s strong, but she’s not dumb. In Equestria, rocks are power. They’re money, they’re dragon food, and most importantly they’re magic. And Maud knows her rocks. She has a doctorate in geology and contacts in the Canterlot Geological Survey, the most powerful law enforcement agency in Equestria.

Next is Trixie Lulamoon. A stone cold fox with a rap sheet as long as your tail. Haughty violet eyes look down her long, slim snout, evaluating the world around her and finding it sadly lacking. Slim but curvy, she has haunches that will stop you in your tracks, and she knows it. She doesn’t mind if you stare, but you’d better check and make sure your wallet’s still there afterwards. She was a small time con-artist, before HRH Twilight Sparkle exposed her as a fraud. She had a few rough years after that, but she’s back in the game, and she has something to prove. Not bright, exactly, but cunning, watchful, and dangerous.

Following them is Starlight Glimmer. Tall, purple and proud. Former tyrant. Allegedly reformed. A strong contender for the greatest wizard of the age — she nearly defeated Princess Twilight, and many ponies say she didn’t so much lose as decide the battle wasn’t worth fighting. She’s set aside her subversive politics, and renounced her former moral flexibility, but it’s anypony’s guess if she’s sincere, or just biding her time. And while she’s almost twice the age of the other two mares, she’s every bit as gorgeous as they are. Her hide is silky and glossy, and her haunches heavy and over-ripe. She has an air of experience, a reputation for hedonistic depravity of the most unspeakable kind, and a vocabulary that could shock a sailor or confound a scholar.

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Today, Maud, Trixie and Starlight were at Ponyville swap meet on a mission of mercy. One of Maud’s CGS buddies given her a tip that a sample of a certain proscribed substance had been stolen from a secret Principality research lab. A substance that, if it became available to the general population, could wreak havoc on the very fabric of society. Some of this sample was believed to be in the possession of a traveling alchemist named Tweak Mission. The contact had confirmed that they didn’t care how they obtained the sample or what they did with it, as long as it was safely and discretely disposed of.

So. They were going to steal it. And then they were going to have an amazingly good time.

As they walked past the alchemist’s market stall, Trixie broke off from the trio and stopped to have a look through Tweak’s wares. She lifted bottles of potions or powders one at a time, examining them with the cold, evaluating eye of a pony who knew her chemicals.

Tweak Mission was a handsome but frail-looking unicorn with thick glasses and a magician’s hat rather like Trixie’s own. He had a ring of alchemical symbols for a cutie mark. Not being a local, he wasn’t alarmed by seeing Trixie browsing his stall. In fact he seemed very happy to see her. “Can I help you find anything, miss?” he said to Trixie’s plot.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie is looking for something that will help her put on an exceptional performance,” she said, narrowing her eyes and waggling her eyebrows suggestively.

“How exceptional of a performance are we talking here,” said Tweak, giving Trixie’s plot a conspiratorial look.

Trixie thrust her hoof into the air, knocking her cloak aside and, not coincidentally, giving Tweak a better view of her backside. “Trixie needs to give a powerful, penetrating performance. A dominating performance. A hard, thick, pulsing performance, dripping with…”

“Keep it down!” hissed Tweak. “I get the idea! Who sent you here?”

Trixie laughed. “A great magician never reveals her tricks. But I was told to tell you that the ‘cockerel rises at midnight’.”

Tweak scowled, and looked around the market. Nopony was looking at them. “Listen, I’ve got what you’re looking for, but we’ve got to be discrete, okay? It’s in my wagon. I’m going into my wagon right now. Meet me around the back in five minutes, and I’ll let to in to see it, okay?”

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Tweak pulled a box out from under the bed in his wagon, and undid the combination lock with his magic. Inside was a small flask, sealed with a cork and full of a gloppy, vicious white fluid. He levitated it up next to him, keeping his slight body between Trixie and the flask.

“It’s not much to look at, is it?” said Trixie, wrinkling up her snout in a sneer of disgust.

“It’s the real deal. Five thousands bits, and it’s yours.”

“Trixie doesn’t have that much on hoof,” she said, eyes darting to the corners of the room. “Anyway, how does Trixie know this is the real potion? Why don’t you take some, and prove it.”

“Are you for real?” said Tweak.

“Oh. Right.”

“Anyway, there are only two doses in here. Trust me, this is the real thing. Fresh from a top secret Principality eugenics laboratory. And if you can’t pay, I’m sure I can find somepony else who will. So cough up the bits or get out of here. Unless…” said Tweak, eyes flicking suggestively over Trixie’s body, “You wanted to arrange some other form of payment.”

“Ugh, no!” said Trixie, rearing back, insulted. “Trixie’s body is worth far more than five thousands bits! Starlight, Maud, would you come out already?”

The air behind Tweak rippled, and suddenly the other two mares were standing there. Maud flashed a badge “Maud Pie. Canterlot Geological Survey. This is a sting.”

“Gah!” said Tweak. He tried to bolt for the door, but coils of purple and blue magic whipped around him, holding him in place.

“I’m innocent! This is a gross miscarriage of justice! Come back with a warrant!” babbled Tweak, struggling against his bonds as Starlight effortlessly lifted the potion out of his magical grasp.

“We’re not exactly here in an official capacity, actually,” said Starlight.

“How did you even get in here?” said Tweak.

“Trixie has lived in this model of wagon for over a decade. The door locks are a joke!”

Starlight held the flask over for Maud to examine. She gave a single shake of her head, and Starlight threw it against the wall, where the fluid stuck, inching slowly down towards Tweak’s bed.

“No!” Squealed Trixie. “We were going to use that!”

Starlight picked Tweak up and dragged him over towards her, holding him nose to nose, several inches off the floor. “Where’s the real stuff?”

“I don’t know what you're talking about,” said Tweak.

Starlight narrowed her eyes. Tweak’s face turned red. He let out a high pitched gasp.

“Under the pillow! Under the pillow! Combination 18-42-3!!!”

Trixie whisked a much smaller box out from Tweak’s bed, and undid the lock. She held up a vial, full of a thin, opaque white fluid. “Oh. Okay. Trixie gets it,” she said.

“That’s the stuff,” agreed Maud.

Starlight took the vial, and made it vanish. “All right, girls. We’re done here.”

“But… but what about me?” whined Tweak. “I’m out five thousand bits!”

“Take it as a lesson learned,” said Maud, as she walked out the door. “Crime doesn’t pay.”