Atelophobia

Chapters

Steps Like Clockwork
Chasing Shadows
The Fault of a Mechanical Mind
Her Soul is Vile
Love and Song in Victory's Clarity
She Knows Not That Light Only Blinds
Darkness Be Purged
And When Faith is Shaken
Darkness Defines Light

Steps Like Clockwork

they orbit around Her
four hooves of lavender clad in slippers stitched with stars
as she does her mechanical dance
and continues yet another pattern

revolving around Her

because this is a grand party
this great gala
is a once in a lifetime trip for some
and all she wants
is to glimpse Her
to talk to Her
to see Her
and to bask in Her shadow
and talk talk talk of anything at all
to make Her proud

everything to tell Her
just how amazing a
teacher
ruler
goddess
twilight thought She was
to fashion somepony like her into the hero
that She needed her to be
and that she still watches each sunrise and new dawn
no matter how far away she is
when she can
relishing in the light

and how She was perfect
because
She's beauty
She's grace
She's perfect

Chasing Shadows

she knew
that after nightmare night
that it must be true

She too was a goddess
a night-dark mare
who beneath everything
that made Her dark and different
were redeeming perfections

She was divine
and flawless
ideal in every way
working Her way into twilight's mind
like a nonstop fever

she knew everything about Her
in that one visit
and only anticipated
every perfect result of confessing to the mare of the moon
by dragging darkness into light
because she knew her teacher's sister
because it all made sense
because one confession later
she'd have a future with Luna
everything would be simply perfect

and perfection was what twilight sparkle loved

The Fault of a Mechanical Mind

everything had been perfect
twilight sparkle knew this
and then she went to canterlot
where her dark goddess, who only needed to see light, was waiting

and she asked Her
and assured Her
that She was perfect
and she knew exactly what She was going through
no matter how many times She said that twilight sparkle was wrong
because that couldn't be

it shouldn't have ended
with
Her saying 'no' again and again
and not understanding
that twilight knew

She was lonely
She needed light
She needed to be adored
She needed to be like everypony and Celestia and laugh and smile and talk like they did and do as they did and see everything

it shouldn't have ended with twilight crying on the train back
and sitting in the library for days
because she had known
that her and Luna would have been perfect
she knew everything about Her from that nightmare night
and nothing could go wrong
because Luna was perfect
and twilight sparkle didn't fail

and what had gone wrong?
nothing
twilight was half-perfect, she knew this
and Luna
who only needed light and ponies and everything good
was perfect too

except...
what if
Luna was wrong?
twilight sparkle didn't fail
and if Luna wasn't perfect—horror racked twilight's brain at the thought—then...

Luna was wrong
troubled
isolated
and all the things that twilight's mechanical brain knew
should not be
because
she didn't know how lonely she was
how wrong she had been
until She, Celestia, had her make friends
here
in Ponyville
and twilight knew that Luna
must be exactly the same
because twilight sparkle was almost perfect
and twilight sparkle did not fail
and her mind of everything in order and everything expected and predictable
knew this

knew that she was right
because it was the simplest thing, an easy, nice, conclusion
it made sense
it was normal
it was the thing that most ponies would agree with
it was what happened to her
and what she agreed with
because nopony as alone as that could be happy
and even though most of her friends had
given her hugs
a few gifts
some reassuring looks
and many kind words
they gave her the space to be alone—now that word felt like a curse—
and work out the things that they said
only she could
even though she was sure
that if anypony could help her
clean up this ugly mess
that didn't follow order and seemed far too deep a rabbit hole
instead of neat surface matters
as it should be
it would be her friends

but rarity stayed
she helped dust the books twilight almost forgot about
(and complained the whole time about the nature of dust)
suggested gems for spike
(quartz was simply inadequate for a proper snack)
spruced up the library with a new table cloth just for her
(how it managed to draw twilight's gaze to it all the time, she didn't quite know)
and stopped by with silly romance novels that were so tragic, cheesy, silly, just plain melodramatic that twilight couldn't help but laugh when her and rarity read them

rarity talked about unrequited love and dramas and an old coltfriend here or an old marefriend that did that and complained about a horrible smoothie she had once

twilight sparkle thought it was a little more than 'almost' perfect
but she never quite thought about why
just that she knew now
that Luna may not be perfect like Celestia

Author's Note

The incident with Luna that Twilight mentions is a separate story that I published a while ago, and can be found right here.

Her Soul is Vile

a mirror never lies about
the outside

but everything within is left up to guess
unless you can
read between lines
and match everything
and every little trick
and double meaning in action
weaving a mental image
of a pony's soul
from every little clue
presented to you

this door discards that
it shows you
some of what was on the inside
and haunts you with it
by showing you
your greatest fear fathomable

not a fear of the moment
or monsters under the bed
mere phobias are just second-best
and would never be presented so obviously
when true fear could be used instead

and artless twilight sparkle opens that door
like martyr unaware
and sees that her greatest fear

is not those she loves
dead
or pain
or even gone

or herself unrecognizable

equestria, fallen

no
nothing like that

twilight sparkle
fears
imperfection

on the smallest level
in the very depths of her soul
there is nothing more horrific and painful
than Celestia's disapproval

and if only this could be called selfish
but twilight sparkle
whose eyes cloud over with the kind of magic she knows nothing of
has had everything reflected in her eyes
but nothing shining within them

hollow, except for a spark

Love and Song in Victory's Clarity

doors fling open and she smiles
with a cry if her success
her greatest fear alleviated
and her friends to carry her up again
an adventure under wraps
reduced to one checked box
on just another list
in the mind of twilight sparkle
who finally passed her test

and there She is
all that doubt you can dismiss
with a voice like a song
and Her eyes so blue
visible because She lifts Her hoof
of pure white
to place under twilight's chin
so that their eyes could meet
and She could tell her
of approval
and passed tests

and twilight sparkle feels a click
in a heart like clockwork
and knows
she loves Rarity
Rarity is Perfect
and twilight loves Perfect
in any possible way

and the world around them
six ponies, one dragon
feels like it is singing
with the success of twilight sparkle

She Knows Not That Light Only Blinds

where something like stars dance around them
twilight sparkle and Her, the Sun Goddess
stand and almost float
in something like pure magic

as memories like check boxes on some Grand Plan
float on by
and Celestia talks with the passion of any ballad
of how proud She is
and twilight thinks she might die at those words
if she hasn't already

she worked hard, Celestia says
she used skills, not for herself
(the thought makes twilight cringe)
but for everypony else
she bettered equestria
not herself
twilight sparkle does not like to be selfish
because She says she should not be
and so it is

and twilight sparkle feels her own magic
and something much, much more
transform her
and make her almost-anew
and alter her
and everything twilight cannot fathom
(not that she would ever acknowledge that)
on her blind walk to
what she thinks is destiny
or has to be
where light shines everywhere
and cloaks her
(she feels that it illuminates instead of blinds, after all, it is the dark that blinds, not the light)
because when she looks around
at the ground of ponyville

She is bowing too
and twilight
is (almost) in Her image

Author's Note

[This story was revised for print on 9/6/2020]

Darkness Be Purged

little twilight sparkle
within stone ruins
like jaws
yawning at her sorrow
only wants
in her heart of hearts
to see another dawn

golden sunlight that bleeds around Her
Celestia
who this monster is not
with her black coat
her sharp fangs
her laugh so cruel
and a demon's eyes
but all the stars stand with her

while little twilight sparkle
watches the shards of
the only tool to bring about the Sun's light
shatter

and she can only stare at the mare
who came from the moon
like she was their goddess
and in her horror
note every imperfection of this dark beast before her
and it rips at her heart

And When Faith is Shaken

looking out at a world it's easy to see
why everything is just wrong
and out of place
and pointless

or that destiny and purpose is just some lie
as everything around her crumbles and changes
cotton candy clouds sail across the sky
and she watches them rain chocolate milk on a world that terrifies
the heart, mind, and soul within her little monochrome body
not because the world of checkered hills and three second nights has changed
but because it feels exactly the same

and she could be wrong
and she could fail
and mistakes could happen

the sun might not rise
and her crown only weighed heavier on her head
at not
seeing
pleasing
Her again
and passing every test
like She said she should
saving
the day
her friends
her family
Equestria
being the hero Celestia wanted her to be

and the thought of good not winning
made the world feel even more upside down than it was
where buffalo danced ballet
and applejack lied
and rainbow dash betrayed
pinkie frowned
fluttershy taunted
rarity hoarded
and twilight sparkle felt very wrong
outside of the sun's shadow
where she could be nothing but small
without Her to loom
and order
and smile
and praise
and shine

and approve

Darkness Defines Light

light and shadow
day and night
tyrant who she sees from the world outside the crystal window
that frames the latest landscape
of her latest adventure—that word leaves her with such a sour feeling—that she only wants to leave
because there's a destination that's important
and a journey that she can forgo
since the end is what matters
what makes things perfect
or a failure
and that is all that matters

and opposing this tyrant was her
and her friends
good, brave heroes
acting as they should
under the words of Celestia
to save
to preserve
to shed light upon
and to spread
the magic of friendship

she had to pass this latest test
and unlike lost gods and monsters
this time her foe was a pony
(or so she thought, Celestia had called him a unicorn and she didn't doubt Her)
and a pony with power unseen
and magic that was unreal
and unheard of
as though he stood on a bridge
between mortal and god
black and white
and that should not exist

perfection and imperfection
good and evil
pass or fail
ultimately, twilight knew
everything boiled down
to either or
one or the other
in the end
as Celestia said
you must choose

and twilight was to be
a hero
a spark
an element
a friend
a savior
not because she wanted to
but because
she already was
and She wanted her to be
and twilight wanted to be perfect

sombra was not perfect
could not be perfect
he was a conqueror
a brute
a murderer
he could not be right
if twilight let him win
there would be no perfection
there would be failure

and twilight knew that those who were good
like Her
and her friends
and everypony that wasn't like them:
monsters, murderers, thieves, and all things awful
were right
and that no matter what
because She told her long ago
and twilight knew in her heart and mind
that evil was imperfect
evil was always wrong
and so was sombra