Toaster Waffles Are Magic

by TheMajorTechie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Random
Length: 1874

This story contains 0% Toaster Waffles, and 100% randomness. Thanks for 100 followers!

I don't know why this exists.

I blame myself for this.

...

There is likely nothing in particular within this mess of loosely-related horse words that would interest you.

Please leave.

Contains VERY HIGH levels of Random Tag abuse.

:pinkiehappy: Thanks for 100 followers! :pinkiehappy:

Published 2017-05-28 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-06-27 02:36:44 UTC

NOW there are toaster waffles.

"WHAT IS YOUR OFFERING?" the absurdly large mechanical waffle boomed over the three, "SACRIFICE, OR DIE!"

Twilight rummaged in the pockets of her clothing, which surprisingly kept every object she had placed within them from before she returned to Equestria. Loose papers fluttered to the ground, followed by spare change gifted by Sunset for the vending machine, until finally...

"A stick." the Waffle Transformer deadpanned, "That is your offering."

"Yup."

"Very well then," the waffle replied in an almost motherly tone, "Sacrifice accepted."

Spike and Thorax were quick to simultaneously facepalm-- facepaw. Twilight, on the other hand...

The ~~grill~~ girl flicked her hair back with a hand, turning back towards the portal. After all, the entire purpose of her visit was to confirm that Changelings would become cats in the "Human World", so what point was there in staying after the experiment was complete?

Booming dubstep.

That is the answer.

Author's Note

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA'S FUZZY PLOT IS THIS?!"

Twilight shrieked as she set hoof into her castle. Except... it wasn't exactly a castle anymore, but rather a large, BLT-shaped railgun mounted on an absurdly large golden statue of Twilight's head.

Also, the mare had yet to account for the fact that there were numerous ponies currently worshiping the conglomerate of weirdness.

Spike, who had been kneeling beside Celestia in worship of the ponies' newfound god, was the first to speak. "Twilight!" he shouted, running towards his adoptive mother with open arms, "You're back!"

Twilight glared at the railgun mounted atop the statue, then back at Spike. Statue, Spike. Statue, Spike. Statue, Celestia's glamorous plot, Spike.

"Back from... where?" she asked, nudging Spike gently aside to get a closer look at the monstrosity that sat before her.

"The dead!" Spike droned, waving his claws in the air for effect, "You've been dead for the past half a year!"

"What."

Spike turned to Celestia, who had already managed to sneak up on her former student and her assumed child. "It's true," she began, patting Spike on the head, "After you sacrificed your life to save the planet from certain doom during your battle with the Illegitimate Space-Goo child of FlackMarakaBakaSchlark, we recognized you as our one and only savior."

Twilight shook her head. "I don't understand!" She cried, "I know I've been alive all my life, and just this morning, I had a hamburger for breakfast!"

"A hamburger."

"Yes, Spike, a big, meaty, juicy hamburger." Twilight replied, rubbing her still-full belly with satisfaction.

Spike rolled his eyes. "And where did you get this hamburger from, anyways? I didn't expect my own adoptive, bookhorse mother to be the kind of mare that liked hamburgers."

:pinkiecrazy:SUDDENLY, NINJAS!:pinkiecrazy:

"Spike, why am I suddenly a ninja?"

Spike shrugged, turning about in attempt to find the direction Twilight was standing in.

"I have no idea," he replied, "and where are you, anyways?"

Twilight snickered from the ceiling.

"Oh well," Spike continued as he began to stroll away, "I guess you'll have to hear some other time of what's going on with the changelings."

"CHANGELINGS?!" Twilight cried as she dropped (rather ungracefully) from the ceiling, "I thought that they were reformed already!"

Spike turned to face Twilight, who was still faceplanted on the floor. "Yeah," he replied, "But Thorax decided to take a look through the portal and... um, cats happened."

Twilight snorted. "Cats?"

Spike help up a single photo of a Thorax-colored sentient cat.

"Yeah. Okay."

"Soooooo... what now?" Spike asked.

Twilight shrugged.

Spike shrugged as well, followed by pretty much every pony within a five mile radius of Twilight, for all ponies must follow in the hoofsteps of their Lord and Savior, Twilight Sparkle.

Naturally, Twilight facehoofed... followed once again by the mass populace. Because that's what sheeple do when they find a new deity. In her frustration, the mare screamed.

The following text is a textual representation of the text that would've been the actions that had occurred moments after a single purple bookhorse utilized her voice in a loud sense, resulting in her followers pursuing their goddess' level of godliness by repeating the action.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--"

"WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP?!" Twilight shouted back in frustration.

The chapter in which 'Techie is most definitely surely bored out of his mind and has little motivation to continue other than a slow weekend

Once everypony had calmed the crap down, Twilight began to make her way towards the portal room, accompanied by Spike, as per usual.

"So, Changelings turn into cats in the Portal Realm?" she asked, taking another look at the cat photo Spike had provided.

"Yup." Spike replied, "I saw Thorax there myself, when I had to take him through on the basis of diplomatic relations with interdimensional species."

Twilight frowned. "So, you were a dog, showing a cat around, in a world where stray animals are scooped up and put in the pound?"

Spike shrugged. "Hey," he replied, "At least I found out that I can still breathe fire as a dog... and it's not like we were captured or anything by the scary man wearing a dirty apron..."

"What."

"What?"

"What?!"

"Exactly."

Twilight promptly slapped Spike with a hoof as the two entered the portal room. Spike didn't mind, as a slap to the face from a goddess must be a good sign for times to come.

Either that, or the universe decided to play extra-stupid that day...

Nopony shall know...

Spike eyed the portal nervously, and unfortunately, this nervousness was immediately noticed by Elder Goddess Twilight, sees all, knows all, does all, and rap--.

Suddenly, Pinkie appears from a portal, and whacks the author with a newspaper. Something about "Keeping it Family Friendly".

"So... you want to go back through with me?" He asked, pointing a claw at the swirly depths of the mirror, "Like, go through the portal with you, a-and face the scary apron guy?"

Twilight raised a brow, teleporting a very confused Thorax into the room.

"I'm guessing that that's a yes."

Twilight nodded, stepping into the portal with Thorax and Spike in tow, the latter of which was currently screaming in terror about a dog catcher who resembled a butcher. That is, the same guy who had been looking for Spike and Thorax ever since Spike burnt down the pound.

A strong wind blew through Twilight's hair as she exited the portal, a cat and dog both hanging under her arms in her grasp. The girl looked down, first towards Spike, then towards Thorax, who strangely had a blue bow tied around his neck.

SUDDENLY, A LARGE SHADOW APPEARED OVER GODDESS TWILIGHT, AND THEN THE WORLD WENT BLACK.

Author's Note

*Sweating profusely*

:trollestia: Gee-whiz, is it just me, or is it getting hard to not have any regrets in writing this? :trollestia:

SUDDENLY, VINYL!

Twilight's nose twitched as it detected faint levels of smoke. It proceeded to alert the girl it was attached to of this new occurrence with a sneeze.

In reaction to the aforementioned sneeze, Twilight's hand jerked in surprise, smacking her own face. Said face proceeded to recoil in reaction to a hand suddenly invading its personal privacy.

Yes, Spike was narrating the event of Twilight sneezing from barbecue smoke the entire time.

Also, the booming dubstep was growing louder.

And louder.

And louder.

Did Twilight like it? No. Did she like it with a goat? No. Would she like it in a boat? Nope. Was she dealing with Sam-I-Am? Most certainly not.

However, she was currently dealing with a certain girl with a transforming DJ car. That is, Vinyl Scratch. Or perhaps it was her secret vampire clone. Nopony could really tell, anyways. She was in her car, after all.

The car also happened to swerve right past Twilight, blowing her panties off. Except... she wasn't wearing panties in the first place. 'Cause y'know, have you seen how short that miniskirt is?!

As the mind-bendingly melodic muse of music sped away in her transforming ton of tremendous titanium, Twilight no longer found herself longing to remain in the world of bald apes.

She proceeded to leave, giving nothing to the world around her but a flick of her hair.

And maybe dog barf from Spike. And a hairball from Thorax.

YOU THERE, OMNIPRESENT CHILD!

HEY YOU THERE!

“Who, me?” you ask, staring slack-jawed at the disturbingly derpy voice emanating from the screen.

Yes, you! C’mon, I know an omnipresent child when I see one!

You silently shift in your chair, visibly confused by the whole exchange. “Um... okay?” you finally reply, looking back towards the screen.

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You promptly faint from the beautiful rainbow god-rays that have just fried your eyeballs to a crisp.

Author's Note

Now y’all gonna need some funky glasses! :trollestia:

World Ending Disaster #101.01134

The above title’s number, if entered into a calculator, will spell “hello.lol” on-screen. :trollestia:

SUDDENLY, A GIANT METEORITE HIT EQUESTRIA, AND THINGS WENT BOOM!

CELESTIA’S CAKE WENT BOOM!

TWILIGHT’S MIND WENT BOOM!

SPIKE’S ICE CREAM WENT BOOM!

The resulting rift in space and time created by the collision ended up spitting out a few billion clones of a stickman Darth Vader, which ended up flooding the world with badly drawn stick figures wearing crudely made paper helmets.

Twilight screamed.

Author's Note

And with that, the insanity draws to a close.

Please wait as your locally hosted universe resets.

Darkness.

Twilight saw absolutely nothing around her as she and her two passengers zoomed through the YaHoO! Highway of Eternal Semi-Doom.

Also, apparently she was a bus now. A magic school bus, to be exact, and Spike was a flower pot.

Don't even get me started on what Thorax turned into.

Either way, apparently the weirdness that occurred moments prior to entering the portal just so happened to crash the universe.

Through her brightly glowing eye-headlights, Twilight spotted a single object, one of which may likely be one of her only chances to escape the strange pocket universe she had entered...

Before Twilight could possibly do anything, Thorax enveloped and dissolved the pancake with his pool noodle ear tentacles.

Just the sheer pitch of Twilight's resulting scream/honk was enough to shatter the fabric of spacetime that they resided on, and so through the newly torn rift, the three majestically escaped on their water scooters.

Applejack didn't know what hit her.

It was either the bus, the flowerpot, or the strange pool-noodle-tentacled slime monster. Or all three.

Either way, she was quite sure that the bus riding a water scooter had certainly given her quite the fright. Same went for the other two scooter-faring wackadoodles.

Twilight groaned as she reverted from her newly discovered bus form, slowly blinking with dazed (and still slightly glowing) eyes.

"What happened?" she murmured, sitting herself up in the rubble of the barn she had collided with moments prior.

Spike and Thorax said nothing, for they were still horrid conglomerates of flowerpot and dragon, as well as slime monster and changeling-thingy.

As for the Apple Horse, Big Mac and Applebloom already rushed the mare away, attaching her to an IV rack filled with cider.