Armor

by garatheauthor

Rating: teen
Tags: Anthro, Twilight Velvet, Coco Pommel, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Shining Armor, Sunburst, Crossover
Length: 3214

The adventures of Equestria's greatest secret agent.

In the world of Equestrian espionage one name comes to the forefront, Shining Armor. He is charismatic, lethal, dedicated, and above all else an utmost professional.

Any pony who claims these things has obviously never worked with the stallion.

These are the adventures of Equestria's greatest secret agent.

A My Little Pony crossover with the TV show Archer.
Special thanks to Autumn Bramble for editing this story and putting together the cover image.

Published 2017-05-12 19:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-05-12 19:40:01 UTC

Episode 1 - Bird Hunt

Twilight Velvet’s gaze was affixed upon the city of Manehatten. While the sprawling city view from her penthouse should have been impressive, she wasn’t overly fond of it. However, looking at the sea of drab colours was far less of a headache then addressing the failure who currently shared a room with her.

“So are you just going to stand there?” her son asked.

Velvet turned around and looked at Shining Armor. He was in a rather sorry state with his left eye swollen shut and a glass of ice-heavy scotch pressed against it.

“You really screwed up on this one Shining,” Velvet said.

Armor briefly pulled the glass away from his eye and took a healthy sip from it. “Oh come on, it wasn’t nearly that bad.”

“Because last time I checked you failed to apprehend the target.”

“Well, alright but…”

“And said target is now in an unreachable position.”

“Ok, but…”

“AND now the gryphon kingdoms are going to bringing this issue before an international tribunal. Where said target will act as a key witness.”

“At least I’m alive and well, mother.”

“Thank the gods for small miracles,” she muttered dismissively.

“What was that?”

Velvet cleared her throat. “I said, why don’t you tell me what happened.”

“You already know what happened.”

Velvet smiled softly. “Shining you know that I love you but….”

“Debatable”

Velvet sneered. “But, unless you give me a good reason not to. I will castrate you to stop your side of the genepool from procreating.”

Armor’s one good eye blinked. “Well…”

A couple hundred kilometres south of Manehatten was the small seaside township of Gallopogas. It was a blip on the radar for most of Equestria but the area hosted a healthy cabin culture. So, on a pleasant summer day like this the region’s population swelled as investment bankers, yuppies, and other members of the upper crust flooded in.

In the centre of town along the waterfront was a cobblestone market. At this time of day, the place was loaded with brightly coloured stalls peddling fresh fruits, vegetables, and seafoods, to a massive gathering of ponies.

To the east of the market were a series of docks, housing pristine white sail boats which floated atop crystal blue waters. The smell of salt water mingled with the open market to give it a nice inviting scent. The rest of the market was bordered by heritage buildings occupied with fine boutiques, restaurants, and cafes.

The café that Armor exited was one of the better ones, claiming to have the best latte on the Celestial Sea. Though in Armor’s personal opinion? He found a lot of hyperbole in that.

He looked like an investment banker, wearing a grey two-piece suit. A look which was only added to by his black earpiece and speciality coffee.

“I look like a complete and utter tool,” he muttered to himself.

“I’m sure it’s not that bad,” the voice in his ear responded.

This was the voice of his handler, Sunburst.

“Yes, because you’re the pinnacle of fashion,” Armor said.

A mare gave him a confused glance as he walked past. She then rolled her eyes upon realizing he was just a douchebag with an earpiece.

“Hey, I have a perfectly good sense of fashion,” Sunburst said.

“The confidence is nice buddy, but no you don’t.”

Sunburst sighed loudly. “Alright, can we just focus on the mission?”

Armor nodded. “Yeah sure. So, who am I after?”

“Didn’t you read the brief?”

“Ehhhhhh.”

“You’re unbelievable.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty great.”

Sunburst sighed again. “Your target is Baron Gilbert the 4th of Greater Lower Griefsaxonborg.”

Armor snorted. “Who the hell names their kid Gilbert? That’s such an old person name.”

“Focus!”

“Sorry, sorry, go on. What does mother want with Gilbert?” He made sure to put emphasis on the name.

Since the latte was such a flop Armor decided to pop open the lid and make it Irish with the help of his flask. This marginally improve the situation.

“Well according to information from the Equestrian Bureau of Investigation and the Canterlot Domestic Intelligence Agency the Baron has been bankrolling a few radical gryphon independence groups. Apparently, he’s not too thrilled with the amount of interference Celestia’s been having in their domestic affairs.”

“Alright and what does he look like?”

“A gryphon.”

Armor took a sip of coffee. “Could you possibly provide a bit more detail than that Sunburst?”

“You know I’m not good at describing what ponies look like. There were photos in the brief.”

“Well I obviously didn’t read the brief. Do you have it in front of you?”

“Of course.”

“Could you possibly open it up? You know, maybe give me a few more details.”

Armor could hear rustling on the other side of the call.

“Alright, well he uh… has reddish fur?”

“Reddish?”

“Well It’s more of a dark mahogany.”

“Like mahogany the wood?”

“No, no, that would be more brownish. Look, Armor he’s a gryphon and you are in a small town of like 2000 ponies. Just nab the first gryphon you see. It’s most likely going to be him.”

“Ok, first off, there are way more than 2000 ponies in this town. Secondly, that is racial profiling Sunburst and that is not ok. Third, what if he’s wearing a disguise?”

There was a prolonged silence before Starburst responded. “I mean even with a disguise he’s still a gryphon.”

“What if he’s wearing an equine disguise.”

“How would that even work?”

“I mean, pretty well. Give him a fake muzzle and some heavy clothing and you could claim deformed pegasus.”

“There is no way that a fake muzzle is actually a thing.”

“Yes, it is. Believe it or not, other species are actually pretty good at this whole espionage thing.”

Armor took another sip of his coffee, looking down at the cup.

“By Celestia this was not worth 5 bits,” he mumbled.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

With Armor’s attention focused on his beverage he only had himself to blame as he collided with a passing pegasus. His cup crumbled, splashing the duo with hot coffee and scotch. Armor stumbled backwards and waved his arms, flinging as much liquid off of himself as possible.

The pegasus had meanwhile fallen backwards onto their ass.

“Holy shit, are you ok?” Armor asked.

The pegasus looked up and Armor gaped in horror. The impact had bent the pegasus’ muzzle horrifically to the side. His mahogany red muzzle.

“Hey, wait a second,” Armor muttered.

Velvet sat behind her desk with a hand resting upon a glass of scotch. Once Armor shut his mouth she picked it up and downed it in a single fluid motion.

“So,” she began, “you’re telling me that the target literally walked into you.”

Armor nodded. “Mhmmm.”

“And even though he fell at your feet you somehow still managed to let him escape?”

He paused for a moment. “Yeah that sounds about right.”

“HOW,” Velvet began before a knock at the door cut her off. Her anger rapidly faded as she forced a tight diplomatic smile. “Come in.”

The door opened a smidge and in walked Twilight Velvet’s assistant, Coco Pommel.

Coco smiled softly. “Miss Velvet your daughter is on the phone. She’s wondering if you’re still able to make dinner at 7.”

“Of course, let her know that I’ll phone back after I’m done here.”

Coco nodded and ducked out, closing the door behind herself.

Once she was gone Velvet turned her attention back to Armor.

“You know, Twilight got tenure recently,” Velvet said.

Armor cocked an eyebrow. “Oh?”

Velvet nodded her head. “I couldn’t be prouder of her. It’s nice to know that one of my children is capable of achieving something.”

Armor snorted. “Hello, best spy in the world.”

“Who managed to lose a target that literally fell into their arms.”

Armor’s expression darkened as he broke eye contact.

“Can you please stop comparing me and Twilight?”

“Can you please stop disappointing me?”

A silence fell between them.

“What’s your opinion on Sunburst?” Velvet asked.

“He is a complete and utter dork.”

Velvet nodded. “Good to hear.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m thinking about setting him and Twilight up on a blind date.”

Armor coughed. “Wait, what, why?”

“Well, I mean, your sister isn’t getting any younger and I’d be interested in seeing some grandchildren.”

“Oh come on I’m sure….”

“Legitimate ones.”

“Oh.”

“Anywho, go on with your story.”

He nodded and opened his mouth.

The gryphon rose and lunged at Armor, wrapping his arms around him as they tumbled to the ground. As Armor fell he hammered his elbow into the gryphon’s ribs, making him to squawk in pain. They hit the ground and rolled, coming to a stop side by side. The faux snout was torn off in the chaos and had gone flying, revealing a dull yellow beak underneath. There was a fiery rage in the gryphon’s eyes. Armor’s attention was focused on this until a fist filled his vision as it hammered into his face, dazing him.

This gave the gryphon a window to scramble to his feet and run. Though his skull was throbbing Armor did the same, pursuing his target. The gryphon had an early lead, and was frantically weaving his way through throngs of ponies.

“STOP THAT GRYPHON!” he hollered.

This did nothing but create crowds of panicked ponies. Who instead of helping got in his way as they ran around like idiots.

The chase brought Armor back to the market as the gryphon dove into the mass of midday shoppers. The crowd screamed and cussed as they were knocked about by the chase.

The gryphon paused for a moment at a stand selling various types of uniquely coloured fish on beds of ice. He picked up a salmon and chucked it at Armor.

Armor ducked out of the way, ripping the lid off of a nearby barrel. He used it as a shield to deflect the oncoming barrage as the gryphon bombarded him with every type of fish possible. When this slowed he briefly peered over his shield. The gryphon had stopped his assault in order to haul a massive swordfish out of the ice.

“Oh shit,” Armor loudly stated.

The gryphon drew back and tossed the thing like it was a javelin. It arched through the air and the speared tip of the fish connected with the wood, piercing it deeply. The pointed edge of the fish hovered inches away from Armor’s left eye.

Armor blinked. “Thank you Celestia.”

He could hear the gryphon begin to run. So, he tossed his shield aside and continued the chase.

The gryphon made his way out of the market, exiting on a side filled with upscale shops. A classy hotel bordered these and faced the waterfront. The gryphon saw this and turned, racing towards it at a full sprint. He bounded up the hotel’s steps and plowed through the entrance with Armor in hot pursuit.

Velvet sighed and tapped a piece of paper on her desk. It was a receipt with a long list of items on it. The total cost scrawled at the bottom was pretty impressive.

“I’m not going to like this, am I?” she asked.

Shining thought about it for a moment. “Not even a little.”

Armor caught up with the gryphon as they entered the lobby, tackling him to the ground. This caused the first of many causalities as the duo came crashing through an antique side table. The two of them grappled for a moment before the gryphon used the table’s leg as a club and smashed it against Armor’s side, forcing him to roll away.

The gryphon got to his feet and stumbled to the reception desk. Upon it was a priceless late Lunar period vase. He tossed it at Armor.

Armor knocked it off to the side where it smashed harmlessly on the ground. He then bolted to his feet and swung at his opponent. The gryphon easily dodged this and responded with a swift jab to Armor’s already wounded face. Armor stumbled back as it landed, clutching at a freshly bloodied nose.

The gryphon took advantage of this and charged Armor. He gripped his shirt, shoving him forcefully back. Armor stumbled and fell onto a coffee table which crumpled under his weight.

There was a flagpole resting against a nearby wall. The gryphon grabbed this and snapped it in half, creating a jagged looking spear. He let out a war cry and charged. As the gryphon was about to impale him Armour kicked out, hitting him right in the knee. This caused the gryphon to lose both his footing and spear as he flew past, crashing into a nearby chair.

Armor groaned and grabbed at the rich silken drapes, using them to pull himself up. They tore in the process.

He watched as the gryphon got to his feet and began to stumble towards the staircase leading towards the second floor. His own legs felt weak under him but Armor persisted, keeping up with his target.

The staircase of the building went up half a story before curving back to the second floor. Upon that half story landing was a massive trophy case. Inside were a plethora of expensive looking trophies, treasures, knick-knacks, and jewels.

The gryphon decided that an appropriate way to stop his pursuer would be to tip over this exhibit and send the whole thing hurdling down the stairs. It smashed upon each step, sending a cascade of broken glass flying in every direction. It slid down the stairs, spilling its expensive and now mangled contents everywhere.

However, this distraction only lasted for a few brief seconds before the now completely wrecked case came to the standstill at the bottom. Armor sprinted past this and made his way up the steps.

The second story of the hotel was a luxurious looking corridor with pristine white walls and gold trimmed red carpeting. Every door was flanked by wood and glass tables with flower filled vases atop them. The gryphon had managed to knock over every single one of these in an effort to either create the biggest mess or worst obstacle possible.

Armor bolted down the hallway, hurdling over each little piles of wood, ceramic, and glass. The gryphon looked over his shoulder and upon seeing Armor closing in, growled loudly. He turned to the side and launched himself into an elegant looking but surprisingly flimsy door. He burst right through, pulling the door right out of its frame. Armor hardly slowed, taking the corner into the room with surprising speed.

Inside was a tight but luxurious looking hotel room. Thankfully this one was facing away from the harbour and as such appeared to be missing a balcony, trapping the gryphon within.

However, like any cornered animal the gryphon lashed out. He reached into his pocket and whipped out a spring-loaded blade. He lunged with it and Armor ducked to the side, extending one of his arms in order to greet the blade with the grey fabric of his suit jacket.

The knife sunk in, tearing an ugly gash. However, it soon became stuck at which point Armour swung his arm abruptly to the side, ripping the blade out of the gryphon’s hand. The blade went flying and embedded itself into a nearby painting.

Armor fluidly stuck a hand into his jacket and withdrew his firearm. It was a slender little device that packed just enough stopping power to kill a target. He levelled the barrel at the gryphon and struck an arrogant little smirk.

The gryphon withdrew, raising his hands above his head.

“What are you going to do? Shoot me?” the gryphon asked.

“I mean I’d honestly prefer not to but it isn’t out of the question,” Armor said.

He then gestured with his gun towards a spot in the corner. “Take a seat.”

The gryphon looked towards the chair and nodded, sinking into it. There was a look of distain drawn onto his face.

Armor took a moment to compose himself before activating his earpiece. “Sunburst I have the target. I need an extraction.”

There was a moment of silence before Sunburst replied. “Alright, just give me a moment and… they’ll be there in about 10 minutes. Are you in a secure location?”

Armor looked through the empty doorframe and into the hallway. “Secure enough?”

“What does that mean?”

“That means…I’ll talk to you later.” Armor said before hanging up.

He turned to face the Gryphon, readjusting his aim on the centre of his forehead.

“Alright, I’m going to ask you a couple of questions.”

The gryphon sneered. “I’m not going to answer any of your questions, you shit coloured unicorn.”

Armor blinked. “I’m white.”

“And I’m half bird.”

“That’s not a lesson in gryphon anatomy that I ever really wanted to know.”

The gryphon smirked and Armor shook his head.

“Alright question one, who’s your contact? Where’s your money going?” Armour asked.

“Money? What money?”

“Wrong answer.”

Armor titled the gun a fraction of an inch to the side and squeezed the trigger, blowing a hole to in the wall next to the gryphon’s ear.

Sound travels fast. So fast that the soundwave from his shot had bounced off of the surrounding walls and returned to his eardrums before he could properly acknowledge the poor decision that was firing a gun in such an enclosed space. An agonizing ringing drilled into his brain. Thankfully, it also appeared to have the same effect on the gryphon who fell out of his chair, clutching at his head

Armor clamped his hands over his ears and repeatedly muttered the word, “MULP”. He did this over and over again as the room swam around him. It took minutes before the deafening ringing died down to a level sustainable for coherent thought.

“OK!” Armor began, “that was a terrible, terrible idea.”

The gryphon groaned and nodded in agreement.

“Alright let’s try this again,” Armor said.

This attempt was cut short by the sound of footsteps out in the hallway.

Armor turned to greet what he thought was his relief team. However, instead of highly trained secret agents, a pair of small town deputies rounded the corner, levelling their guns at Armor.

“FREEZE!” one of them barked.

“DROP YOUR GUN!” the other screamed.

“YOU GOT ARRESTED!” Velvet hollered, whipping her glass at Armor’s head.

He ducked out of the way and watched as it shattered against the far wall.

“I mean yeah but like only for a little while.” Armor said.

“Well it was long enough for Baron Gilbert to get in contact with his embassy and get diplomatic immunity.”

“That sounds pretty bad. Is that bad?”

“That’s incredibly bad. He is now untouchable to us for all intents and purposes.”

“Ok but can we talk about the elephant in the room.”

“Are you referring to your inability to achieve anything?”

Armor snorted and waved a dismissive hand at this.

“No mother, I was talk about how Sunburst wanted me to perform racial profiling. You have to admit that, that’s pretty messed up.”

Velvet sighed and began to rub the space between her eyes in an effort to massage out the rapidly encroaching headache.