“Su– Sunset? Are– are you home?”
The stars are twinkling, and at this hour in December, it’s freezing. You spent the day crying under last night’s blankets, never rising to slip off your pyjamas or even to eat a meal. Hope was slipping from you like a foal on ice. Still, you cling to the thought that your best friend is here for you. On moments like these, her magic always makes it okay.
“Who is it?” Sunset groggily mumbles from inside.
“It’s me. I… I needed to talk to you…” You trail off, the weight of your situation pressing down on your words. There’s an audible crash on the other side of her door, and you hear her curse in Old Equestrian. You giggle – you’re the only human around who knows what “proncsfluv” means. But your laughter evaporates as you remember how broken and useless you feel. You retreat to your usual void a moment later, until she interrupts you from your repressive trance.
“It’s freezing out here! What’s up?” Sunset waves you inside, rubbing away the sleep from her eyes but smiling at your presence. You waddle inside, closing the door behind you. Just seeing her bright face is enough to put your mind at ease.
“It’s.. been one of those days.” Usually, you’re an eloquent writer. But on days like today, you’d be outspoken by a talking dog – never mind that Spike did beat you in a spelling bee once upon a time. But poetry doesn’t matter: as long as Sunset understands, you’re going to be okay. Sunset always understands.
“Shhh.” Sunset wraps her arms around you lovingly, and you accept her hug. Surrounded by her warm touch, you let loose the realities of the day, and sob into her arms. She holds you tighter, stroking your head and nuzzling your face. Inches away from your ear, her voice creeps down to a whisper. “You’re with me. You’re alright. Shhh.” She keeps you close in your time of need, never letting go before you. Involuntarily, you take a deep breath, exhaling your world’s tensions. For the first time in days, you smile genuinely. Being with Sunset after your recent turmoil was like having an extravagant feast after nearly dying of starvation. For just a moment, immersed in her gentle embrace, you forget the void that brought you here to begin with.
Next to your friend, you lost track of time. Eventually, you break the gesture, ready for a cathartic discussion. After breaking off the hug, she sits next to you on her well-worn couch (as if the prolonged hug wasn’t enough) Just being with her in the comfortable atmosphere of her apartment would be enough to put you at ease, never mind the tingly feeling you get from her body heat. Still, she offers to hold your hand for support. Always craving love from those who accept you for who you truly are, you accept, of course. Never mind the physical contact. Never mind that she was delighted to see you after nine in the evening. When she found you in the hole you dug so deep for yourself, simply having a friend who accepted you at all would have been enough. Dayenu.
You inhale and begin to tell your story. It was scarcely different than last time, but Sunset has always been patient. You squeeze her hand and let the words flow.
“I saw a message about me on MyStable last night, telling me I should have offed myself that night. They… they said I should have taken you with me, too. That I was an abomination that didn’t deserve to live. That the world would be better off without the two of us in it. I moved to Canterlot High, and everybody told me the students were so nice here. My parents insisted they were better than my old school – here I’d be able to meet the friends of my dreams. As far as I can see, I’ve only found one, Sunset.
“It hit me. What if you hadn’t been there for me that night? Would I be gone? Would I be missed? And… would I really mind all that much? Even if I had failed, I think I would’ve tried again sometime later. I’m a useless mess of a person, and I can’t help but wonder… what if the other kids are right? Maybe people like you and I really are just freaks of nature.
“I know my mum says I’m pretty. She says you’re pretty, too. But… I’m pretty for a trans person, anyway. I mean, even if we were pretty, what would it matter? Ever since I was outed, it’s not like anyone would want to date me, or even befriend me. Maybe I passed when I came here, but that didn’t last long. My old school was careless with their files; as much as I’d like to, I can’t erase history, to start all over again. What does it matter if you’re pretty if you’re not happy?
“That night – the night I was outed here – it was one of the most traumatic of my life. The flashbacks of a life posing as a boy. The jeers of self-absorbed high schoolers. It still bothers me. I dozed off in bed this afternoon, only to be jolted awake again with a nightmare of what had happened. But… through it all, you were there, Sunset.
“It’s a miracle you found me. But if you hadn’t talked me down – told me your secret, too – I don’t think I would’ve lasted the night. Part of me wants to be grateful that you saved my life. That you’ve continued to save my life every day since. But the rest of me is spiteful that I have to remain here. If you hadn’t intervened, I could’ve gone quickly. Peacefully.
“I just… don’t see the point anymore. I used to be a talented writer, a lover of history, a musician… I even liked mathematics. All of that has disappeared. Poof. It’s gone. Nothing matters to me anymore. I’ll never be a real girl, and it looks like I’m going to die trying. I appreciate what you’ve been doing for me, but… it’s quixotic, Sunset. I’ll never improve. I’ve been on a downward spiral for years, and your, um, friendship magic won’t last forever.
“I… I love you, Sunset. I don’t want to hurt you. I promised you that night I would never do it, and I stand by that. I keep my promises, especially my promises to you. I just… don’t know if I’m sticking around for anything more than that promise.
“I… I love you so much, Sunset Shimmer.”
Sunset sat still throughout your schpiel, nodding occasionally or squeezing your hand to affirm her presence. Lost in your memories, you didn’t pay much attention, although you surely would have noticed if she had left your side. As you finish speaking, she leans over for another much-needed hug. “I love you too, girl.” Your lips curl at her affectionate, affirming title for you.
“Have I ever told you how I moved to Canterlot?” Sunset inquires, concern visible in her glassy eyes.
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Alright. I… think we have in common than you realise.” Sunset’s voice is distant, as if she were sitting with you only physically. Nevertheless, you readjust yourself, snuggling up next to her as you patiently wait to hear her story. It’s soothing just hearing her soft voice – although you can’t help but notice that it’s more feminine than your own. Pushing those thoughts aside, you watch her close and listen.
“Several years ago, I still lived back in Equestria. I was lost. Like you at the time, I was presenting as a colt – er, a boy. I was miserable. In Equestria, gender isn’t a big deal like it is here. For the most part, mares can work in all the same positions as stallions, and vice versa. But one thing we lacked was, well, clothes.
“Clothes were formal attire reserved for the upper-class; I could not conceal myself regularly. No matter how hard I might try to work on my voice or mannerisms, the moment anyone would look at me, they would know I wasn’t a real filly. Nothing short of a major magical intervention could change that, and I know that.
“So, for the most part, I just tried to push those thoughts aside. But they were persistent. I had to tell someone, just to let it out. I found a close friend of mine at my old school, Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns: Trixie Lulamoon. I think you’ve met her human counterpart, no?
“I… I told Trixie everything. She didn’t seem upset, or even surprised. I should have known better than to be happy, but my naive little filly eyes only saw a warm friend. I didn’t connect her to CSGU’s Great and Powerful Rumours.
“Before the sun rose the next day, everybody at school knew who – what – I was. The moment I trotted in, everybody jeered. They said things… did things. I never made it to first period that day.
“I ran out of the classes into the Canterlot Castle’s Hall of Ancient Artefacts. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going – I just took the secret passage to the castle and sprinted. Anything to stop those kids. Anything to stop.
“Unfortunately, CSGU was a small school, so minutes after the school day began, word got back to Princess Celestia what had transpired. Well, Trixie’s word got back. She didn’t hear about the rumours or my feelings or the violence. All she heard was that a student ran into the castle after causing a massive scene in a school corridor.
“She stopped me in the Hall, furious. That might have been the day I was expelled – or maybe arrested – if I hadn’t seen that glistening in the distance. Zero tolerance policies and all that nonsense.
“Maybe it was fate that made me see it. Maybe it was Harmony herself. But I saw a mirror. Not like the mirrors that show us in all of our dysphoric ugliness – but a magic mirror that showed me as a real girl. A human girl, but a real one nevertheless. I didn’t really think this through, but I saw what I needed to see, and I jumped.
“I ended up in Canterlot. I was still spiteful against Celestia for years – I once tried to usurp the throne for revenge. I spent years plotting against her for driving me away. I only found out from Princess Twilight later that she had no idea what really happened until after it was too late.
“I mean, I used to wish I was home again. But… I found you, and you needed me here. Now… well, I need you just as much as you needed me back then. I don’t want to go back home to Equestria, because, well, as long as you’re here with me, I am home.”
As Sunset’s speech progress, she began visibly shivering. As she finishes, now you’re the one wrapping your arms around her for comfort. Your jaw drops at her story – you knew that Sunset was “a trans pony from another world”, but you never realised just what that meant. At a loss for words, you whisper to her, “I love you.” Though still distraught, she brightens with your words.
“Sunset… I’m scared. We’re both on borrowed time. What happens when it all crashes down?” You bite your lip and avoid her gaze. “I feel safe here with you, but it’s late, and soon enough I’ll have to leave. But… if I leave, it’ll all revert back… I’ll revert back.” You try to look at Sunset with a forced smile, but your eyes betray your underlying fear and defeat.
“Hm? You’ll be lost if you leave? Well, I suppose if you had to stay the night, I could be okay with that. And I suppose it’s awfully convenient you came in your pyjamas. I guess I could make space in my room.” Sunset giggles – apparently she wants you to stay just as much as you. You laugh with her, if only out of relief that you won’t need to cleanup your emotional train wreck this evening.
Thanks to your impromptu plan, both you and Sunset seem to have forgotten about brushing your teeth or taking your pills that evening. She yawns for dramatic effect and escorts you to her bedroom. Once there, she crawls to the right side of her bed while you hop onto the left – although the sides don’t really matter when you’re both in the centre!
You snuggle up against your best friend, holding her close like a giant teddy bear. She reciprocates, and your breathing slows. You’ll be able to talk to the administration about the other kids… some other time. You’ll sort out your absences from school… tomorrow. But for now, you have better places to be.
You begin to doze off, although she was closer to sleep than you. You whisper one last phrase before surrendering your mind for the evening.
“I love you, Sunset.”
“I love you, too.”
