Time Heals All Wounds, Sort Of

by Pozzo

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Dark, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random
Length: 4480

Celestia's had a rather accident-filled 1000 years, as she explains to her sister.

A newly returned Princess Luna is delighted to be able to chat to her sister again. One day, Celestia breaks some rather alarming news about just how much of a toll the last millennia has really had on her body.

A very silly comedy story with lots of violence.

Published 2017-05-18 22:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-05-18 22:50:01 UTC

Time Heals All Wounds, Sort Of.

It went without saying that, now she was back from her 1000 year stay on the moon, Princess Luna had some catching up to do. Not that she was complaining. Conversation was a pleasant change of pace, and her sister-her dear, beautiful sister-had been more than willing to educate the returning princess of all that had transpired in her absence. Which was quite a lot. Not just the usual stuff like history, battles, inventions and so on, but the social cues, as well. Luna was still having trouble with that part. Celestia had been telling her something about an “Indoor voice”, which sounded really rather novel.

It was evening Luna made her way to her sisters chambers for another such lesson, which was always how Luna started her day since returning. She wondered what fascinating things she would learn today? She knocked on the door and announced her presence.

“IT IS I, SISTER-PRINCESS LUNA. SALUTATIONS.” She said, casually. The door opened, revealing the Princess of the Sun, who was frowning.

“Luna, remember yesterday’s lesson? About not using the Royal Voice all the time?”

“AH YES. Er, I mean…yes. My apologies.” Said Luna. “I will remember to reserve it for public appearances.”

“That’s not…quite…oh, we’ll get to that later.” Said Celestia. “Come on in. I have much to discuss.” Luna walked in, hugging her sister affectionately. She was currently quite a bit smaller than Celestia-she was still not at full power, and looked much more like a commoner, or “citizen” as her sister so quaintly called them these days. She could not help but notice how stiff and uncomfortable the hug had been though. Luna may have been gone for a long time, but she was still able to detect a subtle difference in her sister’s attitude. She seemed less regal, less sure of herself. Luna made sure to tell her that immediately.

“Ah, thank you for your concern. Your bluntness in these matters is most welcome. I…sister, much has happened since you were gone. So much change. I have been trying to teach you about Equestia and the ponies within it. But now I must tell you about myself.”

“Thyself? Thou do not appear much changed.” Observed Luna. “The same Celestia I always knew, both physically and mentally.” Celestia smiled and shook her head.

“Ah, but appearances are so often deceiving, are they not? Come, dear sister. I must show you something.” Celestia walked over to a nearby bookshelf. Using her magic, she rearranged the books into what seemed like a very specific order, then again, and then a third time. Just when Luna was about to scold her for wasting time, there was a whirring sort of sound, and the entire bookcase-along with the wall it rested on-swiveled to the side, revealing…

“Zounds! A secret passageway!”

“Luna, nopony has said “zounds” for a century.” Laughed Celestia, as she guided her sister through the brick-wall passage. It was remarkably clean and free of the usual dust and cobwebs that such passage tended to have, leading Luna to believe that it was used at least semi-frequently. Torches lit the way, bathing the alicorn sisters in light. It was all rather foreboding. Luna was not sure she was going to like what was waiting for her at the end of this tunnel. A humble door awaited them. Celestia opened it up with her magic.

“After you.” She said. Luna was not afraid, per se-she had been through far, far worse. But she did hesitate for at least a split second before walking into the room. It was, for the most part empty. A simple, circular chamber of drab flagstone and a few rugs for colour. In the centre was a plinth, upon which stood a jar, filled with an eerie liquid that seemed to glow fluorescent amidst the torchlight. There was a cylindrical object sticking out of it, glowing faintly. Luna walked up to the jar and pressed her face to the glass, trying to make out the contents. Something pink, round and winkled floating serenely inside.

“And now, we have truly met again.” Said Celestia, entering the chamber.

“I...do not understand.” Said Luna, turning around. “Met again? We have been reunited for weeks, now.” Celestia pursed her lips.

“In a sense. But not physically.”

“Thou speak in riddles, sister.” Said Luna, now a little agitated. “Speak plainly.”

“Very well. That jar contains what remains of my physical body. My brain, to be precise.” Luna stared at her sister, before turning around again, looking into the jar, before turning again.

“Is this some modern custom that I do not fully understand? Or merely a bad practical joke?” said the Princess of the Night, in a stiff voice. “I was led to believe that you had something of great import to impart. I see I was mistaken. I shall take my leave now.”

“Luna, you must listen to me-“ began Celestia, moving towards her sister as the blue alicorn made to leave. She stood in front of Luna as if to bar her path, causing Luna to stop.

“You wish to keep me in this place, with your silly pink cabbage in a jar?” asked Luna.

“You know that’s not what’s in there, Luna, you’re not a fool. And if you wish to leave, you may simply go through me.”
“I have no wish to enter into conflict with you Celestia-“

“Oh no, I didn’t mean that way. I meant it literally. Look, I’ll demonstrate.” Luna flinched as Celestia walked towards her, and then felt a very strange chill as her vision was swamped in a bright whiteness. Celestia walked right through her sister as if she was a ghost, emerging at the other side. Luna spun around like she had been struck, eyes wide.

“What manner of magic is this? Art thou a spirit?!” she asked.

“Calm yourself. As I said…this is not my physical body. Think of it as a projection of myself. Like a ghost that can make itself solid. See?” Celestia walked over and hugged her sister, and to Luna it was indeed the solid flesh of a living being. But in the same action, Celestia let herself phase through Luna, her warm touch turning cold and intangible in an instant. She then beckoned towards the jar.

“This is a spell that I am in a perpetual state of casting. The liquid in that jar allows me unreserved supplies of magical energy, and the spell is channeled through the artificial magical conductor you see sticking out of the side-“

“Sister, wait. You mean to tell me…you are simply a brain in a jar, now?”

“Yes. That is the truth of the matter.” Said Celestia, nodding slowly.

“For how long has it been so?”

“Well, probably since around the last time anypony said “zounds!”.

“This…but…why?!” cried Luna, trying her best to keep calm and restrained in light of this rather unexpected development.

“Not why, but rather…how. It was not an overnight process. I have ruled this land alone for a thousand years, and it has taken a heavy physical toll.”

“It would certainly appear so.” Said Luna, dry as sand, as she regarded the brain floating in its jar. “I think you had better elaborate.”

“Indeed. Ah, where to begin….ah yes, you may recall the great battle I told you about, to drive the changeling hordes out of Trottingham? A more bloody battle I have never seen. Hundreds were hurt.”

“How barbaric. I shudder merely thinking of it." said Luna, horrified at the thought of a battle so brutal. "Those poor, brave soldiers.”

“They were well compensated for their sacrifices, I can assure you. Anyway, I can picture it clearly in my mind even now. Towards the end of the battle, I was engaged in a tense magical battle with the odious Queen Chrysalis. I eventually emerged victorious and triggered the eventual rout of her army…but my left foreleg had been infected with some foul magic. After retreated to my tent for the night, I decided that the only course was to amputate it.”

“You cut off your own leg?” asked Luna, shocked at the grisly nature of her sisters tale.

“It was the only course available to me. Luckily, I was able to keep this hidden from the troops until I got back to the castle, where I was able to fashion a convincing prophetic. It’s amazing what a few illusion spells can do for that.”

“But, why keep it hidden?”

“Because…” Celestia sighed as she considered her reasons. “I must be strong, you see, for the ponies that I rule. They have this silly notion in their heads that I’m some sort of sun goddess. If they were to detect weakness, they might lose spirit. So was my thinking. And so it remains. Hence all the secrecy.”

“I follow thy logic. It is actually rather noble, upon reflection. You sacrificed your body for this land, and never let it get you down.” Said Luna, smiling at her sister with a look of deep respect and love. “Please, continue your story.”

“Thank you. Well, my back legs were the next to go.” Said Celestia, almost casually.

“Both at once?”

“Ah, well, there was another battle. With the Dragon Lords, remember I was teaching you about that war last week?”

“Ah yes, you led them into a trap by using yourself as bait. A brilliant tactical maneuver.”

“Ahaha, yes…well, about that. You see, my original plan was just to fight them head on. Alone. I was rather cocksure in those days. You know how it is, I was young. Only a few hundred years old. With the wisdom of age I can now appreciate the flaws in that plan.”

“Dear sister, please tell me you did not attempt to fight several full grown dragons at once by yourself.”

“It’s easy to criticize using hindsight, my beloved younger sister. At any rate, I was doing rather well until I tried to buck their leader in the mouth with my hind-legs.” Luna didn’t even say anything, merely wincing in sympathy. Celestia paused for dramatic effect before continuing. “After that I decided to make a tactical retreat towards my camp. The dragons over committed themselves and, after rejoining the fray after another quick illusion spell, we were ultimately victorious.”

“I see. I am torn between celebrating your valour and admonishing your foolishness.”

“Both are fair observations. After this I decided to take a more back-line approach to battles. It suits me better, I feel. You were always the better at front-line assaults.”

“How kind of you to say. But if you retired from such military endeavors…how did you lose your other leg? And the rest of thyself, come to think of it?”

“Well, my last leg was lost as I helped to rescue some foals at a burning orphanage. Got trapped in the rubble.”

“Oh, how selfless of you, Celestia!” cried Luna, tears forming in the corners of her glistening blue eyes. “Thou art truly deserving of thy subject’s devotion.”

“Nevertheless, I found myself to be completely limbless. While this was excellent news for the ponies I was paying to create prosthetics, it was now rather awkward to move around. The technology just wasn’t there yet, you see. So I began to work on more advanced solutions.” The image of Celestia flicked a few times, as if to highlight the illusion of herself. “This hard-light projection of matter was the result, although I went through a few different ideas.”

“Oh? Did you try putting yourself on wheels first?” asked Luna, with a smile.

“That would have been far too conspicuous for public use, and stayed strictly indoors when I was feeling bored.”

“…Really? I spoke in jest.”

“Well, you make your own fun when you’re a legless alicorn in a castle by herself. ANYWAY.” Said Celestia, coughing suddenly and quickly getting back on track. “This spell made things much easier for me, as it was able to support the weight of my remaining organic matter with considerable ease. Especially as the years went on, and said matter became considerably lighter.”

“Ah yes, what more could possibly have happened to you? Thou seem attract bad luck like a magnet made of black cats.”

“It was not all bad luck, Luna. A few centuries passed where I went unmaimed, and many advancements were made in medicine, both magical and scientific. It became possible, you see, for those with unhealthy organs to request transfers.”

“Egads!” said Luna, causing her sister to giggle and shake her head.

“Oh now you’re just being archaic for the sake of it. And you can’t say that word unless you’re wearing a monocle so that you may drop it in shock.”

“Apologies, my most beloved sister, but my reaction was entirely genuine.” Said Luna, nevertheless looking a bit embarrassed at her outburst. “This is indeed a strange new world…and I feel that I know where this is going.” She added. “Are you to tell me that somewhere out there, there is a pony walking around with one of your organs inside their bodies?”

“Well, no. It was hundreds of years ago. I doubt my kidneys were THAT good.”

“Oh yes. How silly of me. But you know what I meant.”

“Yes, I did decide to donate a few organs. I’m immortal, after all, I can spare a spleen. Of course, I had to do it anonymously, or else everypony in the kingdom would soon have been requesting donorship. The spleen was the first to go, incidentally. Went to one of the nobles in town. Toffee Nose, I think his name was. A bit snobby, but actually very generous in his own way, that one.”

“Well that is supremely generous of you-“

“And my kidneys went soon after, of course, to one of the very orphans from the fire if I recall correctly. Fine young colt, made excellent donuts in his older years. And then old Sir Stoneface needed a new liver, which I was happy to provide to such a loyal guard. Let’s see, who else…”

“I…I do not need you to individually list each organ, Tia, I understand thy point.”

“Oh let me reminisce, I’ve not thought about my internal organs in years. My heart went to…ah yes, of course, Oleander.” Said Celestia, with a wistful sigh. “Now there was a deserving mare if I ever seen one. A most excellent mage, although I did warn her that her taste for Mrs Batters cooking would come back to haunt her.”

“Do not throw stones in glass houses, sister.”

“Yes, yes, very droll.” Said the image of Celestia, rolling her illusionary eyes. Luna snorted, enjoying the satisfaction of a burn well landed.

“Did you donate your stomach to some poor pony, or did you lend it to scientists so that they might discover it’s secrets?”

“You are now being very hurtful, Luna. Perhaps I should say no more.” Luna went to comfort the image of her sister, and then stopped, thinking about it a little more. Then she went to the jar containing Celestia’s brain and hugged it.

“You know I merely jest. I do enjoy being able to talk to you again.” She soon felt the warm touch of her sister’s “hooves” enveloping her torso in a reciprocal hug.

“Thank you, Luna. I am so glad that you’ve taken this in your stride. I was so worried…” said Celestia, her voice trembling by the tiniest fraction, undetectable to anypony who didn’t know her as well as Luna did. The blue alicorn looked hard into the glass, seeing her sister as she was.

“You know that I am rather attuned to the inner self. That is all that matters to me. You had nothing to fear.”

“Yes…you’re quite right, Luna.” Said Celestia, gently.

“But you still didn’t answer my question.”

“Oh, very well, it went to a very small young mare from Cloudsdale. Happy?”

“…what about the rest of your digestive track? I find it hard to imagine you would part with that so freely.”

“Oh, they went to a dog.”

“…Beg your pardon?”

“Well, after hollowing myself out pretty much completely I was left was just my intestines and esophagus, meaning I basically had a long tube that was good for pretty much nothing. No one was in need of either of them, either, which was both surprising and a little annoying, as at this point I had figured I might as well get rid of everything in there. I was walking down the streets one night and came across the poor thing rooting around in the garbage, delirious with hunger. He was only a puppy too-“

“You actually gave them to a dog?!”

“Luna, please, do not interrupt somepony when they are speaking. Anyway, by sheer coincidence, the stitches in my torso-which I had done myself, rather haphazardly as it turned out-suddenly came loose, and soon I had inadvertently solved both of our problems at once.” Luna grimaced as she imagined the scene.

“That seems rather grisly, Tia.”

“Oh, he was adorable, and looked so happy when he was finished. And full. You know me, I just can’t say no to little animals in need. In any case, after this I needed to shove pillow stuffing inside of my torso for a while. I looked alarmingly thin otherwise. My butler was not happy at the amount of pillows I seemed to be going through, I can tell you that."

“Did he…know?” asked Luna, curious.

“I was still keeping this all secret. It was not until after my torso vanished that it became impossible to hide.”

“Well now you need to tell me this.” Said Luna. “Did some foul sorcerer injure you in battle?”

“Hmm? Oh no no no, this one was a result of some mishandled experimentation. I was alone in my room, short after losing my wings-“

“Don’t think you can just slip that one past me, dead sister.” Said Luna, butting in after sensing that Celestia was trying to skip over that particular episode. “Tell me how you lost your wings, please.” The illusory white alicorn sighed.

“Oh very well. I’d taken to disguising myself in public and enjoying the common lifestyle, just as a little break from the stress and loneliness that was unfortunately unavoidable at that time. Not all the time, just once every month or so. It was most educational, and the thrill of being incognito around my subjects, courting exposure and scandal…it was almost visceral. Of course, one night I took it too far. There is an excellent pub in the east end of Canterlot, where the less affluent Canterlot residents stay.”

“I am already dreading how this story turns out.” Said Luna, deadpan. “Please go on.”

“Well, there was a card game going on at the time, and I had just won an impromptu drinking contest with the patrons there, and had gotten rather ahead of myself. I went all in despite having not a single bit on my person at the time. I had a royal flush, you see, and was feeling extremely confident”

“And thou lost?”

“Alas, it turns out that we were playing blackjack. I was still in good enough spirits, and certainly on good quality spirits as well, so I decided to pay the victor with something I could afford to part with: my wings.”

“And he just took them, no questions asked?”

“Yes, in hindsight that is a bit odd, isn’t it? I wonder what he did with them. Hung them on his wall? I certainly never head anything about a pair of very large wings being handed in to the police, and I was very eager to check after I had sobered up in the morning. One of life’s mysteries.”

“You know, your stories are getting less noble and more foolish by the second.” Said Luna, although she was grinning as she spoke. “Did you give your torso away as a Hearth’s Warmings Eve gift?”

“Oh stop it. As I said, it was an accident during an experiment. It was wondering if I could perhaps cast my projection spell on myself to replicate my own body, so I cast it on myself. Unfortunately the spell did not work the way I intended. Such is the nature of experiments-they have a tendency to blow up in your face.”

“Did your torso explode? How gruesome.” Said Luna, causing her sister to laugh.

“It was merely a figure of speech, Luna. It didn’t explode. It simply…vanished, and was replaced by an illusory one. I’ve not idea where it went, assuming it wasn’t simply vaporised. I like to imagine that it showed up somewhere in Equestria.”

“I’m sure someone would have notified you by now if it had.”

“Perhaps. At any rate, at this point I was down to just my head and my wings, all kept together by this wonderful spell I had learned. Unfortunately it had its limits. The more I lost, the more power I needed to cast it. I was very tired a lot of the time, and it would flicker once and a while, so I was staying out of the public eye as I tried to keep it secret. Which proved impossible as far as my staff went. At breakfast, I lost concentration after taking a bite of an especially delicious stack of pancakes, and….well, I rather lost my head. Or rather, everything apart from my head.”

“Oh dear. I imagine that was hard to explain away.”

“I didn’t even try. I was just embarrassed, really, the way my head rolled through the guards legs caused them to lose their composure rather badly. And let me tell you, it’s no fun when undigested bits of food suddenly lands all over the floor when my body disappeared.” Celestia smiled nevertheless at the memory, as though her body vanishing into thin air in front of her guards and staff was some minor amusing detail. “Well, after that, I had to tell them all.”

“You should have told them from the start. A lie as big as that always collapses in the end, Celestia.”

“I know.” Said Celestia, wincing visibly at the word “lie”. “I apologised, and vowed to them all that from that point I would not hide who I was, or what I looked like. How silly I had been, to spend so much effort on that charade! So what if I was only a head-I was the Princess of the Sun, the ruler of Equestria, and my magic was as strong as ever. I gave a speech to that affect-oh they were all very moved. I announced that I was to make a speech, and had one of the guards take me to the Royal Balcony to address the masses.”

“You did? So this is widely known?” asked Luna.

“Er…no, not quite.” Admitted Celestia. “The speech never happened. The guard in charge of moving me to the balcony was a new start, a very nervous young lad. He tried to balance me on the railings, and unfortunately made a mess of it and dropped me.”

“Zounds! Oh sorry, I mean…egads! No, that’s no good either.” Said Luna, scratching her chin with her hoof. “Um…golly?”

“We need to work on your vocabulary, sister. And don’t worry, as you can see I survived this just fine. My skull, on the other hand, did not. They tried to glue it back together, but it just wasn’t the same. Besides, the glue kept melting, and I looked very odd indeed.”

“As oppose to now?” said Luna, nodding her head to the brain in a jar. “Sister, you…how could you be so reckless? After all the parts you had lost over the millennia, and you let some butter-hoofed newbie dangle you over a balcony?”

“He went on to serve with distinction, Luna. We all make mistakes.”

“That’s not the point!” cried Luna, exasperated. “You got your legs bitten off by a dragon because you tried to kick it in the face. You let a puppy eat your entrails, lost your wings in a drunken bet, vaporised your own torso by mistake, and then fell off your own castle balcony. That is seriously unbecoming for a princess.” The image of Celestia looked a little hurt by this, and Luna immediately felt a little bad for her outburst. But she stood her ground, looking her sister in the eye, as it were. The illusion looked suitably chastened.

“Yes…you are of course correct, Luna. I suppose now that I’ve actually talked to somepony about it, all of this does seem rather careless of me.”

“Indeed. We are the rulers of this land, and have a royal duty to act responsibly and to not jeopardize our rule with silly mistakes like these” she said, waving her hoof at her sisters physical remains. I guarantee you that I will not be so foolish in the coming thousand years. “

“I am glad to hear it. Well, it was nice to get that off my metaphorical chest. I for one would love to relax with a nice cup of tea, and perhaps a slice of cake. Care to join me, most responsible of sisters?”

“Yes, let us put this silliness behind us.” Said Luna, turning to leave the old chamber. “I do not intend to spend much time in here again.”

===========================================================================================

Eight days later, Celestia-or rather, the illusion of Celestia-entered the Royal Brain Chamber, and smiled.

“Hello, dear sister. How are we?”

There was no reply from Princess Luna. Celestia walked up to the plinth in the centre of the room and smiled down at it. “Ah, you look well at least. I have to say, I am very impressed at your efficiency. It took me nearly an entire millennia to reach that state, and you did it in barely a week.” Again, there was no reply. Celestia lifted the lid off the jar that now stood beside her own, and took out the contents, holding it up to her face. She wondered how her sister was feeling, having contrived to lose her entire body in the space of seven days. Embarrassed, probably.

“Do not fear; I will teach you the appropriate spells in time. You are clearly a fast learner, so it won’t be too bad.” She said, with an undeniable air of smugness. She couldn’t help but notice that the brain in her hooves was slightly smaller than her own. It was a petty thing to notice, but she enjoyed the fact all the same. She put the brain down back into its jar, and sprinkled something into the water.

“There you go, something to eat while I’m away. I’ll try to have your artificial horn installed by tomorrow. Until then…sleep well, Princess of the Night. At least you have plenty of time to dream.”