April Fourths!

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Tank, Rarity, Romance, Random
Length: 1910

It's not even a real holiday. Rainbow Dash only wishes a certain somepony knew this.

It's not even a real holiday. Rainbow Dash only wishes a certain somepony knew this.

Published 2017-05-14 05:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2017-05-14 05:40:02 UTC

Three Days (Fabulously) Late

Rainbow Dash yawned. The only thing heavier than her wings were the mare's eyelids. Nevertheless—one aching feather-flap after another—she glided her way home. The setting sun made a petite shadow that swept over the misty pale blue rooftops of Cloudsdale below her. Her home was just around the corner. She knew it. It was the only thing giving her the strength to finish her exhausting flight.

Two weeks.

Two solid weeks, Rainbow Dash had been stuck at Wonderbolt Academy. Granted, she enjoyed every minute of it, but fourteen straight days of being mercilessly grilled by Spitfire had its... lasting effects. No doubt there would be days to come when Rainbow would look back upon the most recent tricks she performed and awesome memories she gained with more than a modicum of pride, but—for the time being—she had exceeded all definitions of “pooped.”

“Hmmmmm...” She grinned stupidly into the air. “...Captain Spitfart.” The fact that she giggled at that only reinforced just how murderously tired she was.

Then—the mare's heart skipped a beat. Rainbow Dash saw the wispy summits of her house and zeroed in on it. Her wings angled down, and the weight of her body—or at least the weight of her saddlebags—did the rest. Soon, she oozed into a calm descent, with barely a ruffle of feathers to announce her glorious return.

Visions of a soft, fluffy bed danced in Rainbow's mind. But she had to make one last stop: the mailbox. There was no doubt that Fluttershy looked after Tank while Rainbow was gone, but such a kind mare had a way of... forgetting about less animal-related tasks... despite her good nature. As always, Rainbow was more than prepared to pick up after her foalhood friend's slack.

Rainbow landed—her body a bit more wobbly than she had anticipated. She allowed herself to tilt forward. Her cheek made contact with the side of the mailbox and she nuzzled it—absentmindedly—like a kitten. There may or may not have been a purring sound.

Seconds snapped like firecrackers between Rainbow's exhausted synapses, and she awoke with a start... and a dumb grin. Bed would be soon. Bed would be soooooooooon...

Not giving the moment a second thought, Rainbow clenched the lid of the mailbox in her teeth. She pulled.

And the lid did not open.

“Mrmmfff...?”

Rainbow blinked.

Tiredly.

She pulled again.

Once more, the lid refused to budge.

“Hrnnngh...”

Rainbow awakened her leg muscles and they groaned in protest. Nevertheless, the limbs locked, coiled, and tugged—

POW!

The mailbox exploded, and a vomitous layer of shiny blue glitter bathed Rainbow Dash's face from ear to chin.

“Mpffft... pffftt... fwoogle...?” Rainbow blinked. Her tiny, stabbing eyelashes sliced through the curtain of shiny, allowing her a makeshift visor through which to see. Immediately, she found herself peering into the interior of the mailbox. Taped against the ceiling of the narrow tube—and girlishly perfumed in nose-tickling lilac—was a gorgeous scrap of gold-embossed stationary.

And upon this rectangle of paper were the eloquently written words: “April Fourths, Darling!”

Rainbow didn't know what to think. She was too tired to.

“Mrmmffff... grkktlt... eggs...”

She limped past the mailbox, rubbing her fuzzy-glittered muzzle between each step. She got most of the shiny bits off by the time she reached the front door, yanked the key from under the welcome mat, and slid it into the keyhole.

At last, she entered the front foyer of her house. Familiar smells and echoes cocooned her with Cloudsdalian comfort.

“Taaaaaaaaaaaaaank?” Rainbow smiled. Delirious. She tossed her saddlebags to the floor like a spent dialysis machine and padded into the kitchen. “How's my most awesome tortoise, huh?” She looked around, ruby eyes peering. “I hope Fluttershy didn't feed you too much fattening griffon lettuce—holy fudge pops!” Rainbow suddenly shrieked, hovering in mid-air as her body recoiled from the sight in front of her.

Perched on the edge of the kitchen table, a dumb tortoise bore a dumber smile. What was dumbest was the polk-a-dot patchwork color scheme of rampant fabulousity dotting the exterior of the reptile's shell. Each portion sang with a different hue of pastel hoof-polish, and Rainbow could have sworn that her pet tortoise was actually sporting lipstick. And a bow. And maybe a tiara.

Something hung from Tank's neck. A noose? A collar?

Rainbow Dash hesitantly leaned in, squinting.

It was a sign. Gold-embossed words were plastered across it, bearing haunting hoofwriting: “April Fourths, Darling!”

A soft turtle exhale came from Tank's smiling maw. A girlish turtle exhale.

“Brrbrbrbrbrrrrr...” Wincing, Rainbow Dash picked Tank up off the table. Holding him at full forelegs' length, she gingerly levitated into the bathroom and placed him in the middle of a dry shower stall. She then deposited a bucket, a sponge, and a tall bottle of window glass cleaner.

The fabulous Geochelone elegante stared curiously at her like a guilty puppy.

“Y-you know what to do, buddy,” Rainbow said, then yawned her way into her upstairs bedroom.

At last, she was about to sleep. Two weeks' of training and exercise drew her towards the bed and its shamefully fluffy duvet. Rainbow was practically drooling by the time she grabbed the edge of the comforter, flung it loose, and prepared to dive into the warm woolly—

“Gaaaaah!” Rainbow Dash stopped in midair with cartoonish braking noises. “What in the pimply brown buck?!?”

Laying before her was a shiny ocean of lace, silk, crinoline, and petticoats. All lightly perfumed, of course. Only lightly.

Rainbow Dash grimaced hard until her jaw nearly popped loose. A few blinks later, and she spotted a sheet of paper nestled neatly between two sets of frilly fabric. Against her better judgment, she leaned in and squinted at the words scribbled upon:

“Whoops! Silly me! I seem to have replaced all of your bed linens with my underwear! Freshly laundered, of course. Ah well. April Fourths!”

“Grrrrrrrrrrrrr-rrrrrrrrrrrrr!” Rainbow Dash yanked the comforter off the floor and glided downstairs in an angry slump.

At last, she reached the sofa in her living room. Fwoomp! Frowning, Rainbow threw herself onto the furniture, rolled around in the duvet until she was a fuzzy blue burrito... and closed her eyes.

The fuming anger did not last very long... and soon sleep was lulling Rainbow off to dreamland, where she found herself body-slamming several clumps of pale white marshmallows with a cornucopia of cathartic sound effects.

In fact, everything was going swimmingly until Rainbow's nostrils tickled with the smell of rosebuds. Crickets buzzed in her ears, and she could feel a warm breath cascading over her eartips.

“Whoops...” An elegant voice purred. “...silly me...”

“Hmrmfff... chuuuuu...?” Rainbow's eyes squinted open...

...and she gasped to see that her cloud sofa was hovering a mere two feet off the ground of a moon-lit vale. Fireflies fluttered closely around, their pulsating aura casting a romantic sheen over a radiant fashionista perched beside Rainbow's couch with bedroom eyes and a rose stem stuck between her grinning teeth.

“...I seem to have tied several sand bags to the legs of your couch, forcing you to descend slowly all the way from Cloudsdale so that I may bask in your presence.” Rarity's horn glowed, lifting several more roses to Rainbow's muzzle so she could smell. “What ever shall we do?”

“GAAAAAAAAH!” Rainbow Dash flew up in the air, tossing the duvet off of her. “What in Pete's name has gotten into you—?!”

Rarity flung her forelimbs out. “April Four—”

“NO!” Rainbow Dash was one angry mutation away from sporting fangs. “Don't!” She shook her hoof at the unicorn below her. “Don't say it! Don't you dare!”

“But... but...” Rarity's eyes were melancholic kaleidoscopes. “It's such a special occasion! And, besides, I thought you adored a good prank, darling—!”

“It doesn't even make any sense!” Rainbow Dash's voice cracked as she flailed her forelimbs about. “That holiday was three days ago! Heck! It's not even a real national holiday! It's nothing but a twenty-four hour lapse of reason! And I'm not talking about the Pink Filly album!” She snarled. “At least when I'm doing practical jokes, I try to be creative about it and not pen it all on some lame once-a-year sheep's mentality psuedo-sabbath!”

“But Rainbow—”

“But nothing, Rarity! You're being super annoying and super weird and all I want to do is go the frick to sleep!”

“Any day that you're in town is a special occasion!” Rarity cooed. “Don't you see?”

“No, I don't see. And I don't care.” Huffing, Rainbow turned around and flew up back towards Clousdale. “Good night, Rarity.”

“No! Rainbow!” Rarity waved a desperate, dainty hoof. “Please! Don't go!”

“Maybe I can find a good hammock to sleep in—”

“Rainbow! You... you want the truth, don't you?” Rarity called after her. She fidgeted in place, sniffling. “The truth is... I... I-I'm sick.”

Rainbow stopped in midair. She turned around, her eyes locked on her friend below in a pallid loyal stare. “You're sick?”

“Y-Yes, Rainbow...” Rarity bit her bottom lip. Shivers overwhelmed her as she toyed with the end of her mane. “I am sick, Rainbow. So terribly... terribly sick.”

Rainbow tried to summon an angry frown. She merely squirmed in midair, tail flicked nervously. “How b-bad is it?”

“Does it matter?” Rarity pouted, her eyes watering. “You must go and sleep. Me? I just... I just want to spend all the time I can with you, Rainbow Dash. After all...” A tiny whimper. “...there's no telling how much longer we might have left.”

“Wait... n-no... wait!” Rainbow Dash started to descend. “Don't talk like that, Rares. I mean... shoot... what's so important about a little shut-eye? I'm totally here.”

“No. Don't fly down here and speak with me.” Rarity whimpered, hiding her face as she waved a hoof of dismissal. “I know when I'm not wanted. Not needed.”

“Shhhhh... Rarity, please...” Rainbow Dash flapped just a few inches off the ground. “...talk to me. What's the matter?” She gulped, her ears drooping. “What are you sick with?”

“You...” Rarity's shoulders shook as she covered her weeping face. “...you don't want to know.”

“No! I... I totally do!” Rainbow touched down at last, standing in front of Rarity. “Please...”

“Do... do you really want to know?”

“Yes, Rarity.” Rainbow Dash leaned in. “Out with it. What's this illness that you have—” Her eyes crossed...

...for Rarity was kissing her squarely on the lips.

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-mwah!” She parted ways, having stained Rainbow's muzzle with lipstick. Now she stained her gaze with a victorious grin. “The Love Bug!” A squeal of cheer escaped her dainty muzzle as she clapped her powder-white hooves. “Squee! April Fourths, Darling!”

Rainbow Dash blinked. She gnashed her teeth. “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...” Eyes flickered red on yellow. Two points in her forehead started bleeding as sparks cascaded from her jaw...

Hours later...

Applejack and Twilight Sparkle sat side by side on a hill overlooking Ponyville.

Well... perhaps the ashes of Ponyville.

Ponies shrieked and ran for the hills while a blue winged creature with horns and flashing fangs flew all around, using the entirety of Carousel Boutique as a massive club and smashing every other building in town to rubble. The air was ripe with otherworldly demon shrieks as the flames consumed the horizon.

“I...” Twilight Sparkle's eyes watered with tears as she whimpered into the ashes. “I just don't know how all of this happened...”

“Meh...” Applejack calmly sipped at her cider. “I blame Fourths.” Another sip. “April Fourths.”