Twilight Sparkle frowned in worry as she entered what appeared to be a completely abandoned Sugarcube Corner. The building was mostly devoid of ponies...well, except for Pinkie, but Twilight still had a difficult time catagorizing that mare.
She'd received a message from Spike that someone at the bakery had asked for her and she couldn't-
She stopped quickly as she caught sight of the bakery's only other patron, the town's resident changeling. He was sitting at a table in the corner, his face buried in a pile of cookies while a hoof rested on a glass of what looked like strawberry milk.
Figuring that unless Pinkie needed something(doubtful, as the earth pony would be certain to let Twilight know that in the most obnoxious way possible), the pony in trouble was actually the changeling. Steeling herself, she approached the table, nodding in greeting to the pink baker as Pinkie gave a simple wave.
'His funk has Pinkie feeling down, it must be serious.'
Sitting at the table and nodding in thanks as Pinkie zipped by, leaving a plate of her own cookies and a glass of chocolate milk, the alicorn braced herself.
"What's wrong?"
"I suck," was Max's muffled response, the cookies not exactly the best at transmitting his words.
"I'm afraid I need a bit more information than that."
"I can't even get drunk, not on booze or salt. I'm depressed and can't handle it like an adult."
"Max, intoxication is not the proper answer to whatever's bothering you," the purple alicorn said, her frown deepening just a little. The changeling was usually fairly logical, so why-
"Look, Sparky. I get it, you're a smart pone and know scientifically what booze does to someone. In fact I know that alcohol is technically poisonous. But ya know what? It's tradition!
Puffing himself up and striking a hoof to his temple in that odd salute he used, he stared proudly into the distance.
"Getting piss-drunk is the time-honored tradition of humans, depressed or not, since the dawn of time! All of the other stuff I do, and I can't manage to follow this one simple rule..."
"This is ridiculous," Twilight muttered, rubbing a hoof along her temple. "You're a grown stallion, you always find a way to cheer ponies up if they're..."
"I think that's one of several compounding issues, Twi," Pinkie said, making her jump.
"Pinkie, don't you have to manage the counter?"
"I can take breaks if we're not busy, and 'abandoned like an unwanted puppy' is about as not-busy as we get," the baker said, shrugging. "Seriously, Twilight. It's been several months, almost a year since we found out about Max and ponies are still freaking out. By now everyone knows he talks to you, everyone knows you're running experiments to learn about his species, and everyone knows we all talk to him. Hay, I think half the town knows where he lives."
"I'm a bad human and a bad changeling," Max whined, still promptly returning his face to the cookies.
"No, you're just a weird changeling," Pinkie corrected. "And weird's not bad. I mean, I can't think of anypony or anyone who Discord would be willing to lend a bit of his power to, even for a day. Did you know Shy asked him and he said she wouldn't use it irresponsibly enough?"
"Wait, Discord trusts him with..." the alicorn trailed off, a hundred horrific scenarios flashing before her.
"Yea, Max said something about wanting to know what happened when an unstoppable force struck an immovable object, so he set the crusaders after some changeling queen with a few protective enchantments so she could't actually hurt them."
Twilight stared at Pinkie, unsure if she wanted to know what had happened. She remembered it had been quite about a month ago, but...it was the crusaders. They'd never been hurt before.
"It turns out both of those can be true, and sustain themselves. The queen redirected them to another hive, one that was causing problems for her. The Crusaders are now honorary drones of that first hive, welcome whenever they're in the area."
"The Cutie Mark Crusaders are honorary members of a changeling queen's hive?" the princess boggled.
"Any Pony in their club actually," Pinkie corrected.
Twilight gaped, staring ahead in shock. Celestia had asked her if she knew anything about a new incidence of drones allying with ponies following the delivery of several lost foals to the local guard barracks. Changelings returning them was the only answer the princess had come up with, but she couldn't for the life of her figure out why.
"You know what you two need? A project," Pinkie suddenly declared. "You two need to do something fun to get yourselves moving again. Like a prank. Dash and I always use that to perk ourselves up!"
"You use irritating others to make yourself feel better?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.
Max lifted his head from his cookies again, looking at Twilight with a searching gaze before nodding.
"I'm kinda' irritated at ponydom in general right now so don't care about the target but you, Twinkles...I know for a fact that you have a few individuals you'd like to take a shot at."
"What? No I don't! I don't think I've had a problem with a single pony in ponyville!"
Pinkie coughed into her hoof while grinning broadly, ignoring Twilight's glare.
"You know, I don't think anyone's used this one yet..." Max mumbled, an idea forming in his mind. "It started as a sociology experiment or something back home. Brought attention to how quickly people could panic while ignoring the facts if the information is delivered in a negative way. I think...Twilight, how would you like to make a presentation to those groups that threw your work out?"
"What? You don't really believe I hold it against them, do you?" Twilight objected. "I mean, sure they threw out hours of work without even contemplating the possibility of the breakthrough I'd just written out, not to mention the fact that the information finally puts Slinger's Spell Residue theorem to rest once and for all. Then there was all the practical data they just threw away just because it didn't conform with their way of thinking! I mean it isn't like I spent four days working on those theories and publications, nonstop mind you, or that I was able to ascertain a way to create a warding spell that could keep not only Pinkie Pie, but Discord himself out!"
As the purple unicorn took a few deep breaths to calm herself she realized she'd gone on what her friends were beginning to refer to as a tirade. Pinkie and Max were both grinning widely at her now, more certain than ever that they could get her to participate.
"No, I'm not doing it. Princess Celestia would have a fit!"
"A fit of laughter maybe. Do you know how many times that mare's pranked others? It's her own way of exacting revenge," Max dismissed. "If it really bothers you, tell her about it before the presentation and invite her to watch."
"Fine. I'll ask Princess Celestia. But she's not going to entertain this joke. She's going to stop this."
<-(0)->
"I can't believe she didn't stop this..."
Max chuckled as he walked alongside the mare through the halls of one of Canterlot's more prestigious magical universities in his usual pegasus form. It was here that Twilight's last paper was...stonewalled implied it reached anyone, actually. He was fairly certain it was burned in the envelope. So it was here that the mare's revenge would be enacted, preferably in such a way that involved some unicorn bigwig running to the papers or better yet the crown, with the information.
"Remember. You're selling them an idea. You need to speak with conviction, tell them that this is a real threat."
The alicorn sighed, turning to the changeling.
"How did you manage to get yourself involved in the presentation?"
"Well, Discord is teaching Spike a few charms for the trip to the Badlands just in case. Pinkie wouldn't be able to maintain a calm look for the entirety of the prank, I don't think; not with all of the little things involved. And Dash would fall asleep."
"You think that trip will be safe?"
"It's as safe as we can make it with how little we know of dragons. Personally I find it kind of insulting just how little you guys have on them. It's not like a culture on the other side of the world, and at least I knew a few things about Japan, China, and the Koreas. Equestria has almost nothing on a bunch of giant, fire-breathing lizards that live on their border."
Max paused, looking both ways before ducking into a nearby closet and coming back out as, to the alicorn's surprise, a gorgeous, white haired and blonde-maned female Pegasus with a spotlight as a cutie mark.
"There, now I'm ready. Voice check, one two three?"
"Why...?"
"Oh come on Twilight, everypony knows a good presentation needs a lovely assistant," he, er, she retorted, batting her eyelashes.
The real mare sighed.
"So who's helping me with my presentation?"
"White, you can call me White Fan."
"There's a joke in there that I don't have the context for," Twilight muttered angrily as she stepped into the large classroom. Setting her horrible, evil, and most disturbingly of all misrepresentative papers on the podium, she watched as the changeling began setting up the rest of the charts and graphs. Each one had been painful to the alicorn and she'd had to get Rarity and Spike to help with the wording to make certain it was all as clear as mud.
As Max, or rather, White Fan put up the last poster the door opened and admitted the first of their victims.
'Alpha Enzymes, forgive me for abusing the sciences in this way.'
Celestia sat down amongst the stallions and mares of science and magic gathered for the presentation while wearing a simple illusion that made her look like an older version of her favorite unicorn disguise. It had been a little difficult for her student to seek out this sort of meeting after so recently being rejected by these ponies, but as the changeling she was working with had said 'Everyone loves a crisis.' In addition, the meeting was sounding more like an attack on the hard sciences than anything else. Thus most had jumped at the chance to hear about this horrible substance, if for nothing more than to ridicule those who studied chemical compounds and may have had a hoof in its creation.
On cue, one of the only stallions with enough clout to be invited to this presentation who studied the physical sciences walked in the door and sat down beside her. It took a considerable portion of willpower not to chuckle at his expression.
Apparently Beaker Breaker had picked up on the general attitude and was seeing further budget cuts in his future. Well, it was her duty to look after her little ponies, and it wouldn't do for one of the only stallions knowledgeable enough in the subject to give away the joke.
"Cheer up, Beaker," she whispered to him. "This is going to be a good day for the hard sciences."
The scientist blinked in confusion before looking at her and noticing her smirk.
"I don't know if you've been paying attention, miss, but this..."
The stallion paused, casting a focused stare at the boards as his eyes widened. The models Twilight had set up were ridiculously complicated, showing not just the quark structures but all of the thaumic connections the compound was capable of which only served to muddle the true nature of the compound further.
"Isn’t thm-"
Celestia clamped his muzzle shut as a cough escaped her, the closest she'd come to accidentally laughing in a long while.
"It is, but how many do you think would recognize it in its displayed form?" She asked quietly. "Also, as much as I hate to admit it, ponies are remarkably easy to rile up about things. It's almost not fair, targeting them like this."
"So she's... oh wow, and with- what did they do? Who convinced her?"
"A few friends. If I had to guess, I'd say the assistant is the changeling she's been working with," she whispered conspiratorially. "Max wouldn't let an opportunity like this pass him by, and I don't see any of her Pegasus friends as being able to pull off that look.”
As The last individual filed in and the door closed, Twilight stepped up to the podium and cleared her throat.
“Mares And gentlecolts, we are in extreme danger.”
It took all her centuries of practice to stop herself from giggling.
<-(0)->
“Every day countless individuals are exposed to this solvent, and as far as we’ve found, only a few select individuals have consumed this liquid and survived. Among them, the princesses, Discord, and according to a pony who has spoken to them, several changeling queens. Those of us not blessed with such powerful resistances have no chance.”
White Fan extended a wing, drawing the attention of an extremely small list, based on a time table of about two thousand years, of creatures that ‘survived’. In reality it was all immortals in general, but the ponies didn’t need to know that.
“As you can see this is a paltry number, and most of the individuals on this list are extremely powerful.”
“We need a solution, and so I have brought one. I am seeking your support in banning this substance from our country. No longer will this factory run-off be found in our drinks. No longer will foals play in it. With your help, we can make Equestria a safer place, free from the horror that is dihydrogen monoxide. Thank you for your time.”
Twilight stepped away from the podium and several of the unicorns began yelling, some at their comrades while others yelled at a specific unicorn scientist. He looked a little rattled from the accusations but otherwise was silent, the pink-maned mare beside him speaking reassuringly and likely the only thing keeping him from an all-out panic attack.
A few approached the clip board and wrote down their names, adding long and important titles as well just in case anyone questioned them.
'Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, Dash is going to die when she hears about this!'
‘Magic, magic, magic, magic...they’re all magic-based scientists. Where are the chemists? The physicists, the astronomers. Where is the horn that was blowing? They have passed like rain on the mountain.’
Chuckling to himself, Max found himself the center of another group of scientists, most asking about the presentation but a few asking for his residence.
Because some things never changed.
<-(0)->
‘Dirty old men,’ the changeling grumbled as he and Twilight made their way out of the research institute. He’d since found a spare room to ditch the show-mare form in and was back to his grey Pegasus form that he liked so much, following an emotionally torn princess of books from the scene of their crime.
“Don’t worry, that niggling feeling of wrongness is just your conscience getting strangled by your terrible deeds.”
“I have done a horrible thing today,” she muttered. “It felt good too, and that’s what makes me feel so bad. I felt good about misrepresenting facts.”
“No, you felt good about slapping those jerks off their high horse. And when the full report is released, we get to show the rest just how underdeveloped the hard sciences really are. This is basic chemistry, Twilight. This isn’t something you need a degree to know, or an extremely complicated substance. It’s the most common molecule on the planet and if the smartest individuals on the planet can’t see that, something’s very wrong with their priorities.”
"Sometimes ponies need a little embarrassment to help the lesson sink in," a voice called, bringing their attention to none other than the Princess of the Sun.
"Pr-Celestia, I was hoping...I thought you would put an end to that. Before it ever got this far," Twilight sighed, slowing her pace as the larger alicorn approached.
"No, I believe that this is a good lesson, both for you and for those ponies. When one begins to forgo certain branches of knowledge, sometimes we weaken our overall understanding of the tree as a whole. Those connections, the ones that muddled the actual molecule so much, it was the thaumic connections in its various states, correct?"
"It was. Spike mentioned it was too simple, so Max and I began looking for any way to increase the complexity. He mentioned the thaumic bindings, and when I was trying to decide on which form to use Spike asked why we didn't just use them all. Max loved the idea, and after that-"
"The rest, as they say, is history," the stallion laughed. "A pleasure to meet a living piece of history, as well. You're looking beautiful for, what, three thousand? Of course, that's not saying much when most things of that age are dirt."
Twilight stopped as the temperature in the room jumped by over fifty degrees, causing her hair to stand on end as her mentor stepped closer to the now very nervous changeling. The white mare put a hoof on his head and gave a benevolent smile even as her hoof pushed down.
As his head was being pressed between her hoof and the ground, the alicorn leaned in and, never loosing her smile, spoke.
"Most would not find it wise to go about insulting a mare's age, much less a powerful mare that could grind one's squishy and otherwise mortal head into the ground."
"R-right, sorry. My apologies, princess," he chuckled, though Twilight could sense a strain under the voice. "Little high on victory. Pleasure to meet you, though. I also prefer being in-squished."
Celestia let go, sitting down as he checked his head for any damage.
"As do I, whether you believe it or not. I believe this shall be beneficial both to Twilight and the scientists involved, even if they are a bit sore about it. I also am delighted to finally meet the pony who my student seems to spend so many nights with."
Max and Twilight both jerked at the wording, looking to the still-smiling form of Celestia, though the changeling couldn't help but notice the smile would not have been out of place on the face of the changeling queens he'd met.
"Tell me, since you are in town, Twilight, will you be stopping by your parent's home? I am certain they'd be happy to know you were in the area, and would of course be delighted to meet one of your friends."
Max looked to the now-hyperventilating unicorn before scowling at the pony before them.
"This is how you thank me for damage control?"
"No," Celestia answered calmly. "This is how I repay an insult to my age, as well as Twilight's lack of action in correcting her friend, as she knows better."
Author's Note
Celestia laughs at your meager efforts, Hahahaha!
“Do we really need to do this? I’m fairly certain we can just, you know...”
“No. She’s likely already written the letter.”
Twilight was a myriad of emotions as she hesitantly knocked on the door to her parents house. Though if he was completely honest, so was Max.
‘I can’t even make a comment about what this looks like. We both know it, and that’s why we were shoehorned into this. Because Sun-butt thought it would be funny.’
"She's pretty vicious for a mare who smiles all the time."
"That wasn't her happy smile. That was smile number eight. The 'I'm about to make you miserable and there's nothing you can do about it' smile. She usually directs it at Blueblood or somepony else who irritates her. I think I've only been on the receiving end of that one three times before. Mostly I would get smile two, the 'Oh thank goodness, I can get away with a believable excuse' smile."
"So how many of these smiles have you recorded?"
"Forty six, and at least seven of them are so similar to another type of smile that the only way to tell is context."
Max nodded.
"Think I could get a copy?"
The mare shook her head.
"I am under contract, oath, and several spells not to reveal anything like that which I learned during my stay in Canterlot Castle as Celestia's student."
"That's...not normal. What did you do?"
" I may have started studying the princess. In depth. She brought out the oaths and bindings when she found me testing one of her feathers for additional magical properties."
"That actually sounds interesting. I mean, alicorns are supposed to be more magically inclined so I'd assume their feathers would be at least as charged as a pegasus feather."
At the irritated grunt the mare let out he grinned.
"So you don't like theory crafting when you cant talk about something? What about your own feathers? I mean, you can talk all you like about them now that you have alicorn feathers of your own to test."
Twilight opened her mouth before snapping it shut, her eyes glazing over in realization. Before he had to stop her from plucking every feather from her wings, the door swung open to reveal an older unicorn mare in an apron.
"Twilight, dear! What a pleasant surprise, I didn't know you were in Canterlot."
"I was actually doing a presentation, something my friend helped with," the purple alicorn explained, gesturing to Max. "We talked to the Princess, er, Princess Celestia and she reminded me I should stop by."
Twilight's mother giggled.
"Oh dear, what did you do this time?"
"More like what Max did. He wasn't respectful enough and she dropped the usual threats."
Twilight sighed, moving forward and hugging her mother.
"I'm sorry I don't write to you as often as I'd like, things have been crazy."
"You write more often than your brother, dear. I can appreciate that. Just don't be afraid to stop by when you're visiting the city. I know Canterlot Castle has comfy beds, big rooms, and its own library but we enjoy having you."
"I know. It's also nice to just...talk to somepony who isn't either hanging on every word I say or liable to twist it in some way."
"Come on in, I'm just about to start on dinner. You don't have to catch a train, do you?" the mare asked, stepping back and allowing the two entry.
"And this is the friend who got you in trouble?"
"Mom, this is Max," Twilight introduced, stopping just in the door and closing it the moment Max was inside. "He's been helping me with research lately, both in whatever I find catches my eye at the time and on a very...sensitive topic."
Her mom's ears flattened.
"Sensitive?"
"I know that after the wedding you might be a little nervous, it's one of the reasons I don't talk about him. Max is helping me with research on changelings."
"Oh, um, and by helping you I assume you mean that..."
"Yes. He is one. The princesses are aware, and in fact Princess Celestia just saw him at the castle, knowing full well who she was speaking to. He's a friend."
The unicorn looked at Max with uncertainty before shifting weight from foreleg to foreleg.
"If you're certain, Twilight. I, I'll trust you on this. You know more about this than I do. My only experience was at the wedding."
"He wont hurt anypony, mom, trust me. I think he's gotten more injuries from ponies than he's ever deserved, actually. Everypony knows who he is but..."
"Uncanny valley is what we called it," Max replied, shrugging his wings. "Changelings look close enough to ponies that the differences are more pronounced. It's not as bad if you have a chance to get used to the differences but until then it's shocking. And ponies don't do well with 'shocking'."
"Most of us, anyway. I wont say I'm immune to it, but it takes a bit more to shake me after all I've experienced."
"So the two of you aren't..." the mare asked leadingly.
They both gave her a flat look.
"No"
"Oh thank goodness."
Max's ears folded back.
"Ow?"
"I mean, how would that even work?"
"Quite well, actually. It would be weird if someone who was married for years never conceived, wouldn't it? They'd be expected to get fertility checks, which means doctors, which means-"
Twilight hip-checked the disguised changeling before turning back to her mother.
"Sorry, sometimes he doesn't understand a rhetorical question."
"But it wasn't-"
"So what are you making? Do you need any help? Or maybe you'd like me to pick something up?"
"Yes, um, actually I was going to ask your father to help me with something but if you'd like you can get a few things from the market. I was planning on making some Eggplant lasagna."
"Okay, we'll get right on that. Or, um, could you-"
"Give me a list and I'll get your stuff," Max said, smiling. "It's your family, Sparky. Enjoy it."
<-(0)->
The dinner wasn't overly hostile, but it certainly wasn't what Max would call comfortable. Velvet was settled enough with the idea at this point to have reached the curious stage along the line of reactions ponies went through, but Night Light was still in his suspicious/panicky phase.
Twilight meanwhile was in her usual phase.
"-couldn't survive without a pony population nearby. While other species generate love, apparently they just aren't as unquestioningly emotional as ponies. After all, I made very strong connections over the course of a single day. Granted, these connections were reinforced by the hardships we faced, but griffons for example are much more suspicious of outsiders and it takes much longer to initiate any sort of emotional relationship with a gryphon. In the case of a changeling outsider attempting to survive, it takes too long. Without an already present changeling in the city to ingratiate the new changeling into the good graces of a few of the locals, it takes too long to be worth it. Therefore I've theorized that the biggest changeling populations in non-pony countries would likely have either a noticeable pony population, or would have been deep-seated within a country for years. A family that had been a member of the community is automatically seen in a better light than a pony or griffon that just wandered into town."
"In the case of the latter example, a queen could run a family from the background with each generation of drones maintaining a single persona, giving the illusion of generations passing by. Since they don't need as much physical food as the rest of the communitee they would either be seen as more charitable, or perhaps seen as dependable individuals who plan ahead and have saved enough food for when times are leaner. Either way, the hive further ingratiates itself with the population, earning it more emotion and allowing it to expand even further!"
"That's all well and good, dear, but we're still talking about things...er, creatures that replace ponies," Night added.
"Oh I understand and I've been working on solutions for both sides, but for now I really can't even get into contact with a single queen to try and work something out, much less start talks on a larger scale. The queens are incredibly cautious and what little changeling culture Max has been able to teach me has a high emphasis on secrecy. Max won't do more than give me a single letter of a queen's name as a way to emphasize differences between them. Oh, do you think-"
Max's ears perked as the alicorn's stream of consiousness finally hit a wall, and judging by the sudden flashes of fear and worry, it wasn't a good one. Looking at her and thinking about where she was going, it wasn't difficult to pick out the reason.
"You didn't tell your mother, did you?"
"Tell me what?" Velvet asked, looking between the two. "Dear, is there something happening?"
"Well, um, you see-"
"I'm taking Spike on an expedition. Let him watch dragons from a distance and learn through observation. He's smart, really smart, so i think he could learn a lot more about dragons that way than trying to get in the good graces of a couple of teenagers. A hive has been gracious enough to allow us to bunk with them while we study the dragons in exchange for a supply of emotion I've been saving up. So it's a vacation in a changeling hive on me."
Twilight's parents both looked to her confusion written on their faces for only a moment before Velvet slammed her hooves on the table.
"He's doing what with Spike!?"
