Nickering Knickers!

by GroaningGreyAgony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Starlight Glimmer, Trixie, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Sassy Saddles, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1010

Pants! PAANNNTTTS!

Pants are taking over Ponyville! PANTS!

This story is an entry in Racc's Crack Storm!

Published 2020-04-02 01:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-04-02 01:40:01 UTC

The Warring Trousers

“PANTS!” Trixie shouted as she burst through the door of the castle laboratory. Startled, Starlight Glimmer added a centiliter too much of Geltbaum’s reagent to a beaker, causing a cloud of orange smoke to floof up into her face. She inhaled in surprise, and the magical smoke caused twin lilies to grow from her nostrils.

Starlight blinked behind her safety goggles, then sneezed the flowers away. She whirled to face Trixie. “Pants?” she demanded.

“PANTS!” shouted Trixie again. And indeed, she was wearing a pair, or pair of pairs, of pants. Her forepants were sequined in red and silver sparkling stripes, and her rearpants were decorated with chevrons of alternating black and violet.

“And… very nice pants they are, Trixie,” said Starlight. “I’m sure that Rarity was glad to finally get them off her clearance rack. But I’m doing a tricky distillation here, so–”

Trixie gritted her teeth and shook her head. She dragged Starlight to a nearby window and opened the panes. They gazed down at a scene of chaos that seemed excessive even for Ponyville. Confused, whinnying ponies all over town, as far as could be seen, were all dressed in gaudy and varied…

“PANTS!” exclaimed Trixie again, shaking Starlight’s shoulder urgently.

“Astonishing! So many pants! What happened…?” Starlight finally saw Trixie's frustrated expression. “Oh, dear. Trixie, are you able at present to say any other word than ‘pants?’”

Trixie shook her head, sadly but intently. “Pants,” she explained.

“Okay, then,” said Starlight. “One ‘pants’ for yes, two for no. I’ll query you on the way. Let’s go!”

By the time the two unicorns reached the middle of town, Starlight had learned from rather more than twenty yes-no questions that Sassy Saddles, on visit from Canterlot, had been displaying newly-arrived designs from overseas to a fascinated crowd outside Carousel Boutique. The trouble had started when, in a spirit of fun, she’d tried to model a particularly outré pair of Saddle Arabian pantaloons, of purple and orange silk.

But then, a nickering noise like an evil laugh had risen from the pants, and beams of magic had shot into the crowd, enpanting anyone they touched. Rarity had fallen quickly, stunned by the hideous color clashes, and Trixie had been struck a glancing blow, but fled before the spell had entirely entranced and enslaved her.

“…and then you came to get me,” said Starlight, as she and Trixie threaded their way through the streets, amid dazed ponies decked out in bright, flashy and stunning trousers. “But if it’s just an illusory effect, you should only have to ignore it to go make it go away…”

“Pants-pants,” panted Trixie.

“Oh, you’re right! These pants are too loud to be ignored!” Starlight mused over the problem. “We’ll have to try another way. If only Twilight were here–”

“Pants-pants!” Trixie snorted and rolled her eyes.

“...I was about to say, if she were here, she would certainly defer to us and our combined trouser-combating expertise! But together we'll show those evil pants they haven't a leg to stand on!”

“Pants!” affirmed Trixie.

They found an opening in the confused crowd, and dived through a breech in the breeches. At the center stood Sassy, entirely under the sway of her nickering knee-length knickers as they caught more citizens up in their sinister web, forming a protective circle around her. She spotted Trixie and Starlight approaching. “Ah, another pair of late-bloomers!” she cried. “Capture them, my dear chaps! Teach them the difference between friends and denim-ies!”

“Argh,” winced Starlight. “It's like an evil jeanie! We'd better take this down quickly.” She prepared herself to face the overalls rush as the pants-zombies advanced. “Paaaants... paaaaanntts...” they moaned and drooled as they closed in.

Trixie blasted away a dozen attackers with a magic surge, but a bebritched pony came at her from behind! She heard his corduroys chuffing in time and pantsed him, deflecting him into a bush. She congratulated herself quietly; it was best not to get too khaki.

Starlight shoved away more of the encroaching pants-zombies with her magic, then spotted a nearby hydrant. “Let’s hose them down!” she cried. The gush of water blasted most of the chinoed chargers away, but Sassy, buoyed by the evil energy of the knickers, proved resistant to leader-hosing. “PANTS!” she cried, launching a beam of enpantment straight at Starlight!

“PAAAANTS-PAAAAANTS!” yelled Trixie, shoving Starlight out of the way of the beam and taking the blast herself. Smaller pants appeared on each of her legs as her pants grew extra pairs of pants. “PANTS-PANTS-PANTS-PANTS!” Trixie wailed in horror, tripping over the obnoxious fashion disaster. She rallied and tried to pull the evil pants off of Sassy’s flanks, but the waist of the pants only grew tighter the harder she pulled!

“Hah!” cried Sassy in evil tones. “Think you can just unfasten them? That'll never fly!”

Trixie only buttoned down and tried harder. “Pants,” she growled ferociously, belting out another blast of energy.

Meanwhile, Starlight teleported swiftly behind Sassy. But instead of pulling at the pants, her magic shot out in a knife edged beam! “Time for us to cut you some slacks!” she cried, as the beam sliced through the fabric, tearing and widening the tail hole in the rear seam of the pants, which stopped nickering and started to scream.

At that moment, Trixie pulled again with all her strength, and the troublesome trousers were pulled free! With a shriek of disenpantment, the bristly britches collapsed and the spell was broken.

After all the ponies involved had been debriefed, Sassy had been calmed and sent to the spa, and the knackered knickers had been secured in an anti-magical garment bag and locked in a chest of drawers for later study, Starlight and Trixie relaxed together over a cup of coffee.

“Great work, Starlight!” said Trixie. “But what made you so sure that attack would work on Sassy’s pants?”

“Well, it’s possible to be too subtle, sometimes,” said Starlight. “When it came down to it, we just had to give her shorts rift.”