Admiral Trampoline Super Biscuit Shouldn't Write Shipfics, Volume I

by Admiral Biscuit

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Flim and Flam, Pinkie Pie, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Zecora, Nightmare Moon, Romance
Length: 1020

Equestria, where the friendship is magic and the romance is probably also even more magical. Well, usually. Sometimes, not so much.

This story is a sequel to Admiral Trampoline Super Biscuit Shouldn't Write Shipfics, Volume I

Once upon a time in a universe far, far away, two or three or five or some nonzero quantity of magic diminutive horses came together and fell in love and then unfortunately produced offspring who chronicled the way in which their parents met.

This is their story.

Trigger Warning: An EFNW collaborative project with Super Biscuit and Admiral Trampoline. We're not sorry.

Published 2017-05-15 07:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-05-15 07:00:01 UTC

Pinkamena and Flim & Flam are Stuck on a Balcony All Night

Once upon a time, in the beautiful magical land of Equestria, there was a Grand Galloping Gayla at the palace and everypony was invited.

Like, literally everpony.

To be fair, Discord had once been invited to the GGG™ , and he hadn't gotten kicked out even after the Smooze showed up, and that was really a low bar to set.

Most of the noble ponies showed up anyways, since it was the social event of the year. Twilight and her friends came to the Gayla, and Applejack was there too.

Also, Flim and Flam had somehow gotten in. Probably because there wasn't anypony at the door taking tickets, or else they'd managed to swindle somepony else out of a ticket. Or maybe Raven hadn't been paying attention when she mailed out the tickets. Really, it doesn't matter how they got there, now does it?

Anyways, the two of them were there, wearing fancy new straw boater hats and well-pressed barbershop duet vests. Their manes were slicked back, and Flam had freshly waxed his mustache.

They were there to con ponies and chew bubblegum, and they were all out of bubblegum.

Out in the main hall, Pinkie Pie was laying waste to the buffet table, Rarity was slow dancing with Applejack, Fluttershy was in a shadowy corner making out with Tree Hugger, Rainbow Dash was snogging Crackle, and Twilight was banned from dancing by Royal Order, so she was just kinda standing around looking adorkable.

Well, the drinks were flowing freely, as they are wont to do at these types of parties, and by midnight, Flim and Flam had managed to con a princedom out of Blueblood and were ready to go home for the night. To their misfortune, they mistook the balcony exit for the normal exit, and found themselves outside, looking over the edge of Mount Canter to the Ponyville Valley far, far below.

Ordinarily, a harmless error; but on this day, the door was broken and wouldn't open from the outside.

The two of them began banging the door in order to attract attention to their predicament; to their misfortune, inside the ballroom, Beauty Brass and the sousaphone pony (that one that was in Discord's Glass of Water song) had begun their four hour rendition of Philip Glass's 1000 Dirgibles on the Roof.

Tragically, when the next pony came out on the balcony, neither of them noticed in time, and the doors slammed shut once again, and now Pinkie Pie was also trapped out on the balcony.

Hours passed. Hours which felt like days, and each of those days felt like a week. Flim and Flam stayed by themselves, kinda poking at the door with their magic every now and then, but it stayed stuck. Pinkie Pie slowly came off her sugar high, and her mane began to deflate and straighten out and pretty soon the three of them were staring at each other awkwardly across the width of the balcony.

Well, a situation like that's either gonna wind up with one of the brothers going over the edge, or a surprise romance, and since neither of the brothers wanted to die, when Pinkie finally pulled a butcher's knife out of her hammerspace and started licking it, they both swallowed down a bit of fear and boldly marched across the balcony.

"I'm bored," Pinkie whispered, and licked down the blade again.

Flim stumbled on his hooves, and Flam cleared his throat. "Um, would you like a mustache ride?"

The rest of the night simply flew by, until the three ponies were finally discovered in flagrente delecto by Scruffy, the janitor pony.

THE END

Author's Note

Pinkamena and Flim & Flam are Stuck on a Balcony All Night

Pinkamena and Flim & Flam are Stuck on a Balcony All Night

It was a long night and a hard night, like something else that is long and hard: That one test a bad horse took in his quest to get a pony pHd. Oh and also a penis. Not yours though.

Okay so anyway on the night of the gran-- oh wait wrong story let's try this again okay so anyway this one time at band camp I mean sorry Camp Everfree oh wait this doesn't have an Equestria Girls tag. Shoot. Okay okay I can do this. Once upon upon a time in the magical land of Ooo. No no no no no NO! This isn't a crossover for fucks sake!

Author's Note: My apologies. Super Trampoline and I are both quite tired [EDIT: only Super Trampoline. The Admiral is fine.] And maybe slightly tipsy. But you didn't hear that from me.

Okay alright so Pinkamena Diane Pie had just visited Puget Sound which actually--and I just learned this about ten minutes ago--is near Seaddle, Washington, and Seaddle is the foaling place of grunge music which is really angsty, so she was feeling really really emo. Like emo enough to make a joke about Kurt Cobain's suicide, but too drunk to figure out what that joke would be. Probably involving Coltney Love. So she was really down to snort cocaine and cut herself. Jeez kids, if you're depressed, don't self harm. Just drink bleach and get it over with. If you're lucky you'll end up in Equestia.

Okay so Flim and Flam were themselves just getting back from jail, having been jailed for selling shotguns to depressed musicians. And they ran into Pinkamena Diane Pie on a balcony of the Casa Rosada while Eva Peron was dying of cancer. Jeez people seem to die pretty often 'round these parts. They could really use a dose of Flim and Flam's Miracle Tonic!

Pinkie Pie was really turned on by the sight of blood, so she stabbed them both. Thirty seven thousand, eight hundred ninety three times in the throat with a rusty screwdriver drink. Like literally not the orange juice and vodka drink, but shards of glacé from the drink and as they bled out they had a three way.

THE END

Author's Note

Seriously, kids, don't drink bleach.